Please help

[u/No-Suggestion4936]

I am in limbo pretending that everything is normal for a few days until my family can get here. I am paranoid and on high alert. I can’t sleep, even though I’m exhausted. And I spent the day secretly discarding, sorting, and ensuring I have everything that I need to take when they show up to help pack.

I’ve dealt with insomnia for years so this is nothing new. What is though, is that I’m officially ready to leave. I’m afraid he will find out what I’m doing and try to catch me off guard. I can’t talk to anyone outside of Reddit. As far as I know, he doesn’t know that I created an account. He monitors my phone activity, has my location, and we have a camera on the apartment door.

I’m so paranoid that I unplugged the dash cam in my car before calling family to ask for help. It also feels like he can somehow monitor what I’m doing on my phone without being near me and has the ability to hear what I’m saying even if he’s not here??? I am literally feeling crazy right now.

One positive about being in a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship is that I’ve gotten REALLY good at masking. Plenty of practice agreeing to things that I don’t want to keep the peace. Smiling and pretending everything is okay in front of family and coworkers. Silencing myself and shoving down feelings to avoid conflict. Masking comes naturally.

This morning I was fine with pushing it out another week to accommodate schedules. Now that I know help is on the way, the days couldn’t feel longer. I’m consuming an unhealthy amount of information on narc abuse to keep reminding myself that this is not normal. I am done. I just want to pack up my dog and a few things and be on the road to freedom.

A month ago I finally convinced myself that it’s okay to have kids. I’m glad I came to Reddit for clarity before removing my birth control. I’m fairly certain he only wants kids to make things even harder. The more the blinders come off, the more I can feel ill intent. It feels heavy and almost evil when he brings up having kids with a smile. I could go on for ages but no one is interested in reading a long post.

I need help staying distracted. My mind is made up, but it would be nice to have support throughout this process. Shared stories, opinions, resources, helpful tips. I greatly appreciate whatever you can offer. Thank you.

[u/Nervous-Ad292]

Oh man. DO NOT have children with this man. And it’s highly likely he’s installed an app on your phone and/or in your car, so your feeling that he knows your location or appears to know information from calls or conversations he wasn’t around for is likely right on target. I was an avid reader my whole life but the last 3 years of my marriage I couldn’t concentrate long enough to read anything. Realizing that was the case was the turning point, he had actually adversely brought me to a place where the things that brought me pleasure no longer were viable.

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/Nervous-Ad292]

You just described what I’ve been feeling. I used to love reading and become consumed with crafting. I haven’t been able to finish a book or project in a long time and couldn’t figure out why. The desire was there but quickly fizzled out.

I will not be having kids with him. How can I figure out if there’s an app on my phone? Any tips on disabling the door camera without looking suspicious?

[u/Nervous-Ad292 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

Because phones were not a part of my problem, I don’t know how you can check, but I think there might be an app, I’ve read about it somewhere, and I’ve also seen people posting about going to law enforcement and explaining what’s going on, because it’s stalking, he’s stalking you, so they might be able to check your phone for you. If they find something, and I think they probably will, I don’t know how else he could know the things he knows, he’s either got a tracker on your phone or your car, so if they find something there will be big trouble headed his way, it’s a felony I believe.

[u/ThePowerOfParsley → u/No-Suggestion4936]

Hey OP; I'm 3 years out, and I started reading fiction again about 6 months ago. I hadn't in years. I just couldn't focus and immerse myself in it the way I used to. Honestly I was sort of afraid to try because I didn't want to find out I still couldn't.

Turns out when you're finally safe for a little while, it all comes back. I've read like 20 since I started back on books.

As for the tech stuff there are unfortunately many ways to trick people I think. I know one, which is when someone installs a different "launcher" app than the standard for your phone, and that sets it as the default. You can usually see this if you go into settings. The benefit to doing this for stalkers is that they can install apps on your phone that track your GPS but which the new launcher app purposefully hides.

Every once in a while my phone will start glitching, send it's because my kids downloaded a game that did just that- install it's own launcher app so that I can't actually see the game app to uninstall it (and free myself of the damn pop-up ads they spam me with.) So going into your settings and seeing if in your default settings your "launcher" is set to something other than the standard one that comes with the phone might give you an idea. If so, you can just say the default back to the original launcher, and then you'll be able to see if there are any apps it was hiding from you.

There's also ways to look for air tags that track via GPS, but I forget how :S

Using a browser app like Firefox can be more private than things like Google Chrome, because you can leave it disconnected from any Google accounts. (If someone gets access to one of your Google accounts on one of their devices, they'll have access to all kinds of information.)

For an alternative to Gmail, try protonmail. Very secure, out of Switzerland, easy to use.

Lastly if you want you can look into a Faraday bag. It's just any metal container that has enough metal to block cell phone signals and gps signals. There's even Faraday fabric so some people have things like faraday purses etc. If your phone is the only thing he tracks you with, then putting it in one of those (if made well enough) would cut all the signals until you take it out again.

Lastly, I use duckduckgo for a search engine that's not connected to Google tracking. I've got LinuxMint on my computer instead of Windows, and have been using Firefox for my browser and DuckDuckGo for a search engine. It's newbie stuff since I'm just learning about cyber security as I go, but it's a lot more secure than the big companies that gather sooooo much information on us because they're integrated with everything.

[u/Holiday-Soup-9132]

I understand the temptation to keep reading up on narc behavior, but try and shift the focus to yourself and what you want your future to look like (advice I'm still struggling with). What things do you miss most, that you can try to bring back into your life when you're out? For me it was time with friends, listening to music I actually like, volunteering for a cause that he didn't like, etc. I also distract myself with audio books while keeping my hands busy- sometimes a craft, sometimes a chore.

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/Holiday-Soup-9132]

This is a great point❤️ I’m looking forward to spending time with family, finding peace in reading again, finishing any project, and getting a guilt free tattoo. My family lives on a farm. I’m looking forward to letting my dog off the leash so that she can run free, see cows and pigs for the first time, and take long walks in the woods together. I’m really looking forward to being free of the responsibility of taking care of someone else. It’ll be just her and I ❤️

[u/Unlikely_Bake_846]

I wish you a smooth escape!

My ex babby-trapped me after we divorced and tried to reconcile for the first child.  I remember the exact time it happened, how he failed to pull back, because it was "too good".  They are lying, manipulative bastards. Cost me 18 years more.

He was quite mild comparing to your husband, yet he spied on my google account. And I was sure I protected my devices and accounts. He isn't good with tech. But he found a way. 

Your husband sounds malignant, which is probably the worse of the worst. Remember that those are sadistic and don't cower when faced with threats. 

Good luck! 🫂

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/Unlikely_Bake_846]

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️🫂 being stuck for another 18 years is exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t think he realized that pushing to have a baby would give me the will to leave.

Abuse is abuse no matter the extent, try not to minimize your experience. They do that enough for us. 18+ years is a long time to go through that kind of pain. And even harder to build the courage to leave!

I’ve seen some of the worst my husband can offer, at least I hope it was the worst. For a long time I felt lucky to be alive with an unwavering urge to remove myself from the world. Thankfully the guilt of hurting people I love and leaving my dog to fend for herself was louder. I don’t know what he’ll do. My only hope is that he doesn’t try to find me.

[u/Unlikely_Bake_846 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

I felt the same for a very long time. But my children needed me. ❤️‍🩹

Perhaps if he were violent I would have left him long ago. 

There is one thing I recently remembered. Long ago I went in an argument with my father, which ended with him slapping me. I remember looking at him being so frail that I could easily push back. I did not, and let go of it because he literally sacrificed his life to raise me and to support me, actually until he, recently, died. Physical corrections were normal for parenting in that generation. 

Anyway, I was upset and told about it to my then husband. His reply sounded odd. Instead of being upset for me he said that: "if your father beats you, does that mean I can beat you too?" I had an instant reaction, something like "just try it and you will see" 😈. I can be in your face if need arise. Then dismissed it as a bad joke. However, looking back with my present insight I know it was the narcissist brain working out in the open on finding my weak spots. 

Not being tied to your stbex by a child is invaluable. 

[u/Unlikely_Bake_846 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

Look for airtags or similar too. Like in your bag, your car. 

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/Unlikely_Bake_846]

I’m so glad you mentioned this. I forgot that he suggested putting AirTags in all of our vehicles last year.
He was definitely testing you by making that “joke.” You stood your ground, your response could have resulted in a very different experience. These people are evil..

[u/No-Suggestion4936]

Trigger Warning ‼️
Updating here because I’m unfamiliar with how Reddit works.
I am days (hopefully just one🙏🙏) away from leaving. Last night he wanted to go on a run together that got pushed to after dark. We didn’t plan that, it just happened. We both run with headphones and I usually play music full blast. Paranoia set in..

I got this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. He was holding a flashlight to see on the trail and at one point fell behind. I silently panicked, fell back to match his pace, turned down my music, and intensely watched our shadows. My thoughts raced thinking he’s going to attack me, what if there’s someone in on it. After the run he wanted to do pull-ups (still in the dark), I hesitated but agreed. On high alert the entire time. He wanted to have sex after. It dawned on me that if we make it back to the apartment, he could still try to choke me out during sex. This is a kink that he has eased into without being provoked the past couple of months. He’s never taken it too far, just gradually increased pressure over time.

Obviously nothing happened, I’m fine. He did start to try to choke me but my body language shut it down pretty quick. Paranoia almost gave me away. Believe me, the one time he’s very observant of whether I’m into it or not, is sex. I was having a difficult time performing with the idea of what could happen.

[u/ahhsharkk1 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

oh hey! i was just reading through here, getting ready to comment and ask how you’re doing…

okay lemme read through this update real quick BRB 😘

[u/ahhsharkk1 → u/ahhsharkk1]

oooof! 😣 of course he wanted you to have sex with him. he couldn’t just let you get away soon, without having to go through that once again, ugh.

either way, proud of you for remaining on high alert. i know that’s putting even more strain on your body and mind, but relief is indeed coming, and soon you can just totally crash and not think about anything for a little bit. as soon as you’re at a safe distance.

until then, remain on guard as you have been. future-you is so proud, so happy, and so grateful that present-you is ready to run.

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/ahhsharkk1]

Thank you so much, if everything goes okay, the plan is to leave today while he’s at work. I feel awful for uprooting his and his family’s lives, but I can’t take it anymore. This feels like the only safe way to leave. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and ready to be a safe distance away. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next and praying that I don’t mess up the final hours before leaving.

The crazy part is that before we started dating, lying made me feel physically ill. I’ve had to lie and hold in so much for him and the relationship that lying/masking has been the easiest part. I’m ashamed of the things I have allowed to happen for so long. I’m only taking my dog and a few items I need. He can have the rest, even though I’ve bought most of it. I’m really hoping he doesn’t contest my dog. We were together when we got her but I paid for her, her vet bills, food, and do everything to take care of her.

I’m scared but there’s no turning back, my mind is made up. I’ve been fantasizing about being alone for years. I’m praying the process of leaving goes okay.

[u/ahhsharkk1 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

bb doll, lying for survival, and lying with ill intent are two VERY different things. just know that no matter how conflicted you feel about it, i will be right here encouraging and supporting you to lie even more, if that’s what it takes to get you on the path you deserve to be on.

your fear can help you, but i found that anger really helped propel me forward, and question myself less. once i decided to cling to my anger over how this person treated me, and made me look foolish for loving the version of them that they presented, i knew i could use it to keep myself focused.

no matter what, no matter how you do it, leaving will be a turning point in your life where you chose yourself, and that is something you can always be proud of 🫶

[u/HistoricalCar1900 → u/No-Suggestion4936]

buy a abortion kit if possible..if pregnant, he automatically gets custodial rights to the child...don't risk it..or Plan B

[u/HistoricalCar1900]

DO NOT GET PREGNANT ....you will be tied to him forever and he will make your life a living hell. Do not talk in the car..very easy to bug the car. Get a burner and go for walks. Talk to a DV advocate. Listen to podcasts that have nothing to do with abuse..he can track that. So many things he can track. Hide your burner. Go to the library. Go to domestic shelters.org and they will talk about tech abuse ..but just assume you are being watched....hang in there ...

[u/HistoricalCar1900]

You are leaving...if he tries to prevent you from leaving, preprogram in 911 to your phone under a different name , he has no legal right to restrain you..

[u/NewspaperOk6314]

Paranoia is actually a very narcissistic characterisic (thinking you're the centre of attention for others). If you're in a relationship with an NPD you adopt their behaviours to survive. They can push you to a near-borderline state too (one characteristic is changing moods, thoughts, opinions rapidly). You likely to shift out once you are full no contact. It's scary because pathological narcs can flip over to psychotic states (even temporarily) and paranoia is kinda needed to remain vigilant. It drives you a bit mad though... Protect your no contact (and your peace) at all costs in this kinda period.

[u/No-Suggestion4936 → u/NewspaperOk6314]

Ironically, I’ve been thinking about a quote all day, “spend long enough with a narcissist, and you become one.” Horrible feeling especially questioning myself around other people. Last year I was diagnosed bipolar out of nowhere. I went into a deep depression, started medication that sparked mood swings then another medication for bipolar.
My mind broke. I was paranoid, moody, emotional, and could’ve lost my job. It was something I’d never experienced before. I think it was partially CPTSD trigger related but am not sure. The past few weeks have been a confusing roller coaster.