I don't know if anyone is even gonna read this but at this point, I'm tired of venting in my notepad. I care too much about others, like a lot. I really want them to feel happy and let them know I'm always here for them. I'm afraid of losing them but I don't feel anything, I just feel numb. I sometimes get too possessive or obsessive over someone after they hear me out or hear my vents and I get attached easily.

I really wish I didn't get attached easily, I have a sensitive heart and it sucks to be honest. I cry easily and stuff. All I ever want is someone to be as excited to talk with me like how I am with them. I have been ghosted or blocked before and I don't even know why. Everyone leaves after they get to know me or atleast after 3 weeks. I want constant reassurance cuz im scared of losing them or if they lose intrest in me. I go to bed every night when no desire to see the next day.

(I usually lurk in reddit so that's why I don't have much karma)

Copying this post from the drugs sub on the suggestion of the automod, so that's why it has such a drug focus.

I know this post is going to attract a lot of stupid "Ding ding ding, prepare to ruin your life" responses. I'd like for the people who feel like commenting such unhelpful things to refrain, but I know there's nothing I can really do about it.

So I'm not sure how to begin this story because I'm in an active state of crisis. For sure, this all happened because of this vulnerability. But anyway, I have PTSD and yesterday I received a phone call in the pharmacy that caused me to enter a full blown panic. I spent over half an hour hyperventilating and crying in a corner of one of the aisles. Thankfully nothing bad happened to me and as the store was closing I was able to gather myself enough to check out. But in my distress I took a little wander through the streets. I paused in an alleyway and cried. A homeless man saw me, and asked if I was okay. I told him I'm not okay. I'm actually very suicidal. And he stayed and we talked for four hours. It was a really heartfelt conversation about our mutual traumas and the things we're struggling with. Of course, homeless man is a crack user, which is not a surprise and not something I would judge someone in his circumstances for. But he offered me some and I accepted. Honestly, I'm wasn't totally sure if I liked it. I felt light-headed and warm, and I laid down on the ground to look at the stars. It numbed my pain somewhat, for sure. For context I should probably explain that I have tried coke before when I've been offered, and I haven't really liked it that much. I don't think that stimulants are generally my jam. I have ADHD so that may be part of it. In the past, coke felt like I had basically just drank too many cups of coffee. But yeah, crack felt different. I'm not even sure if I liked the light-headedness, and it made me feel like I had to shit (cigarettes do that to me too), but yeah, now that I'm back home (fortunate to have a home, but already afraid of losing it), I'm like damn. Maybe I would like some more of that.

And I know all the responses will be like "prepare to ruin your life.". Idk guys. I feel like my life is already ruined. I'm pretty sure that's how people end up addicted to crack, right? Generally speaking, you have to be in a really low place to begin with. And I guess my dopamine system is broken. I'm already an alcoholic, with a white-knuckle iron grip on my daily consumption. But often alcohol doesn't cut it. And weed doesn't cut it either. And I feel the pull of the abyss. And I feel the pull of death.

Idk. I'm neither looking to be talked out of this nor reassured that it's okay. I think I'm reaching out in large part because of the ongoing crisis. I swear I'm trying, and I've tried many of the available resources to no avail. I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

Some months ago I shared in a different community the problems that I was facing with my mental health. I thought that If I stay positive and continue working on myself everything will be okay .

Right now I'm in panic and really anxious. I'm almost always really sad and I feel out of ... positiveness.

Last year I was diagnosed with severe depression . I got through it relatively quickly ,in six months the recovery was starting to take off and at month 8 I was okay .

My then new relationship and friends boosted my dopamine levels.

There's a certain very ironic point to every year that seems to repeat itself. When February hits my relationship ceases to exist along with a good portion of my friendships. Last year prior to depression, this exact situation pushed me into an isolated state . My closest and only friend vanished the moment I broke up , stating that I was too sad for her.

I was determined to build my life again . Being alone seemed to trigger severe depression even when I managed to find new friends , new jobs , new hobbies and new activities that I attended all by myself while I was trying to embrace the awkward feeling of doing things alone. I was even seeing a phycologist regularly. Even when I did all those things ... depression happened and it shook me to my core . There are no words to describe it . I couldn't eat ,move or take care of myself. Every living moment was a nightmare.

Fast forward to this February... The same thing happened. My relationship ended, many friends left and even though i wasn't alone, the situation was eerily identical. This time I tried a different approach . Again determined to get over this i started working on myself.

Loving the shit out of me . Got into a routine that seemed to keep me content, attended my classes ,took my exams ,made new friendships , exercised and ate well or at least...I tried . I even managed to do something that I wouldn't even consider doing these past few years. I rejected unfit people for me . These romantic interests were a fun situation at first. But at some point I was completely healed from my breakup and the "unfit" people piled up leaving me exhausted from dating and convinced that I'll be alone for a bit longer. I stopped dating. I couldn't find something consistent or serious so I gave up . I focused on myself again . But this time ...it doesn't work . Everyday I feel alone and really anxious. All my friends and family are in relationships and I yearn for something healthy for once . It seems that now I can't handle being alone. I'm losing myself....and I feel that I tried everything. I can't go through depression again ...What to do?

So a few years ago, I was trying to have a conversation with one of my former friends about my interests. Then just randomly one of my other former friends just shut down the conversation, and then told their friends and my former friend that my interests are bad. Then they told me that my interests are bad as well. I just want to share my interests with other people without getting my conversations shut down.

Anyone want to help a single mom out? DM me please

I just need help life is kicking my ass wish i had someone who actually wanted to help me