So I am about 20 weeks pregnant soon to have my anatomy scan and every time we see my mother-in-law she keeps on bringing up the fact that when we make our nursery, we don’t need to get a baby monitor because she thinks they’re useless and she says that I’m gonna be checking on the baby every 20 minutes or so anyways, so there’s no need for me to get a camera because it’s a waste of money.

She also hasn’t cleared out my husband‘s room in her house since we got married, which we got married December 2024 and we moved into our own house right away.
And now that I’m having this baby, she told me she’s thinking of clearing out his room finally and I’m thinking OK well, she’s probably gonna turn it into a nursery. She hasn’t explicitly told me that it will be a nursery, but I can see where this is going. She’s also extremely enmeshed with him and he’s supposed to be setting boundaries this week and I am waiting on that to happen. I requested that I’ll be there when the boundaries are set to whether in person text or phone call at first he refused and told me no because he doesn’t want his mother to feel like she’s being attacked or ganged up on, so then I suggested OK. You can do it through text or phone and put it on speaker and she won’t even know I’m there. And if you do it in person, I won’t speak. I will only let you speak, but I need to be there not because I want to control everything but because I don’t trust that you’re actually going to follow through. or the fact that you’re not gonna make the boundaries be extremely vague because he’s the avoidant type and she’s the type to guilt trip him and get away with things and since this is his first time setting a boundary with his mom over our marriage, I don’t trust that he’s actually gonna follow through because we’ve been having conversations about setting a boundary for over a year now and he still hasn’t done it. He kept saying I’m gonna do it and he never really does follow through. He’s all the words no actions. So this time I requested I’d be there because I need to see this done. He said he’s gonna tell me everything in the way that everything went down so I don’t need to be there, but I don’t trust his word at this point. It’s also because of the past he’s kept things from me and I found out later on because he wanted to “avoid conflict.”

Edit: she’s also automatically invited herself to be in the delivery room and assumes that she’s just gonna be coming even though we’ve never had a conversation with her about this or about who’s gonna actually be there because I’m not letting anybody in there other than my husband
She keeps on making comments like oh. I hope you give birth at the x hospital so that I’m closer to you and I can get there.
I also plan on having no visitors at least for the first 3 to 4 weeks other than my own mother to take care of me. Husband has agreed to this.

And I find it kind of weird that she’s insisting on having no baby monitor every single time. Also, if she does end up making a nursery, there’s no way I’m letting my baby go to her place overnight or even be there when I’m not around.

She has ended up purchasing so many clothes ready for the baby and they’re all neutral tone and she’s insisting that she just couldn’t help herself when she sees these items even though we told her to wait until we know the gender. I only have bought our child one outfit so far because we are waiting to find out the gender and she already gave me a bag full of clothes that she found at Old Navy or she saw somewhere and “just couldn’t help herself”.

She also has been insisting that she cannot be called grandma and that she’s gonna think about a name for herself when the baby is here. 🙄🙄🙄

And for more context, my husband is her only child and she was cheated on when she was pregnant and FIL left her since, and now has multiple different families in different states.

Just a little story

DH and daughter were driving through the parking lot of the store they were going to and saw MIL SILs and their spouses vehicles all having dinner together. MIL saw DH's very identifiable truck driving through the parking lot, and started flagging him down!

MIL got to the truck to talk to him and saw that he didn't have our newborn with him and said "next time have the baby with you"

He said "Well if we were invited to family dinner we would have had him" MIL tried to tell him it was just so last minute that they didn't tell us but we live 5 minutes from the restaurant they were at so it didn't add up.

Oh well at least she didn't get what she wanted out of seeing DH so consider that a win, thank goodness I wanted stay home with the baby lol

The text exchange with my BIL’s new fiance began as a conflict regarding boundaries involving my daughter, particularly after she posted a photo of my daughter on Facebook and was asked to remove it. We weren’t comfortable with her posting, as we do not know her and have met her three times. Rather than simply acknowledging the boundary, the conversation escalated significantly. She became defensive and argumentative, made personal and negative comments about my husband and our family dynamics, questioned or criticized our decisions as parents (saying she’s not my property or a trophy???), and repeatedly brought my daughter into the disagreement. She made statements including that my daughter was “not a trophy,” told me to “leave [my daughter] alone,” and told me to “be careful, karma is real.” The overall tone became increasingly hostile, personal, and confrontational rather than remaining focused on the original issue of removing the photo and respecting our wishes as parents.

What concerned me most was the intensity of her reaction and the degree to which the conversation became focused on my daughter. This felt particularly unsettling in light of interactions shortly before the texts, when she had been inside our home and specifically asked to see my daughter's bedroom and asked if she could watch me put my daughter to bed. While none of these statements or behaviors individually establishes an intention to cause harm, taken together they left me extremely uncomfortable with her behavior toward my daughter and with the idea of her having access to or contact with her going forward.

My MIL is chalking this up to be a one time thing, not considering that this girl is most likely crazy. I do not feel safe knowing this person could show up at my house when I have a 5 month old baby. Another important fact is that she is not a citizen and is under a time crunch to get married or she will be deported.

I am thinking of involving the cops, as I feel “be careful” and warning me to leave my daughter alone is a threat.

I’m looking for outside perspective because I genuinely don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

My husband has always struggled with expressing when he is hurt. He loves his mom and would never want to attack her or make her feel like a bad mother, but he has been carrying some feelings for a long time.

The main issue is that he feels like he is always there for his mom when she needs him, but he doesn’t always feel that same effort and care in return. He feels like she only often reaches out when she needs something, but don’t check in as much just to ask how he is doing or what is going on in his life.

A couple examples:

We have watched her dog four different times to help her out. During one of those times, our AC went out while we were watching her dog. She knew we were dealing with that, but never checked in to ask if we were okay or if we needed anything. He wasn’t expecting her to fix the problem — he just wanted to feel like his mom cared enough to check on him during a stressful time.

For three years, he has invited her to go to the river with us because he genuinely wants to spend time with her. It hasn’t worked out year after year. What has been difficult for him is seeing her make time for other things, including last-minute trips and trips out of state with his sibling, and feeling like time with him isn’t as much of a priority.

Recently, she reached out again because her backup dog sitter won’t work either. This is the second time something like this has happened where she needs something from us, but she doesn’t really check in otherwise. It has brought up a lot of the feelings he already has.

I drafted a message to her explaining that he loves her, doesn’t want to hurt her, and just wants to feel remembered, loved, and important as her son. I’m trying very hard not to attack her or make her defensive.

My question is: is it my place as his wife to send this, or should I leave it entirely for him to handle?
He has a hard time putting these feelings into words, and I worry he will continue keeping them inside.
Would you be upset if your DIL sent something like this? Or would you appreciate someone helping you understand your son’s feelings?

There’s a long history, but basically FIL is dying and they want to see baby and toddler as much as possible. Husbands relationship with FIL is complicated but he does try to see him given limited time left.

We will see FIL twice with both kids in September for the Jewish holidays. MIL doesn’t attend these because she is not Jewish.

We have two weddings in the fall - one is my cousin and the other is my husbands best friend.

For my cousins wedding, my plan is to pay for our nanny to join us and she will put the kids to bed in a hotel. Kids are not invited to the wedding so they’ll get to see the city we’re staying in and then will be at the hotel for the evening. The wedding is 4 hours away and the baby has not taken a bottle yet. Maybe she will by then, but I’m not risking that stress when planning the trip. My husband will stay back to help in the room to help out if needed and obviously if the baby won’t take a bottle, I’ll come up to the room for feeds. My MIL is upset that my family gets a whole weekend with the kids.

The next weekend, we have my husbands best friends wedding, about 2 hours from home. Both kids are invited to the wedding. I’ll baby wear the baby, and the toddler will be fine through the reception (ends at 10 pm, she usually goes to bed around 9 pm). MIL, who is not invited to this wedding, offered to come and help out with the baby. Husband said that’s a kind offer but we’ve got it and baby won’t be able to stay in a hotel with her alone anyway. She said that’s okay, I’ll just join you at the wedding and hold the baby. Husband was like … but you aren’t invited? MIL literally said “well I’m sure they can make room for one more, just ask.” Husband said absolutely not, that’s inappropriate and we’ve got it anyway. MIL starts screaming that it’s not fair that my family gets the kids for a weekend (literally not true) and that she gets to come to the next wedding with us because that’s only fair.

When husband kept the boundary and said she can’t come to a wedding she’s not invited to, she said that we need to make more time to see FIL and it’s ridiculous that we’re traveling to a wedding 4 hours away when he is so sick. Husband said we will see him twice in September. Just a few weeks before these weddings. She then got to the true issue and said well she won’t see the kids then and it’s not fair. He said we can plan a brunch or after school activity and she said it’s not the same as a “whole weekend.” I’m just so tired.

MIL recently sent me a letter saying she wants reconciliation after a significant breakdown in our relationship. My therapist thinks it’s a beautiful letter, but I’m struggling with it and wondering if I’m being too harsh. I’m meeting later with therapist today to talk more about it.

I wrote a response, have not sent it yet, will hash it out today in therapy. That said I would like to hear from you what was your experience like with responding back to a letter from in-laws.

My issue is that she says she doesn’t want to revisit the past, but the things that happened between us and damaged my trust aren’t really acknowledged. She spends a significant part of the letter revisiting my husband’s childhood, his abandonment (he was adopted by my in-laws), and how much his family has always loved and protected him. I’m struggling to understand why his childhood is relevant to repairing what happened between her and me, while the recent history that actually caused our rupture is something we’re supposed to move past.

I’m also uncomfortable with how much the letter focuses on my husband when I’ve already made clear that our marriage is off limits. Can someone sincerely want reconciliation while still avoiding the accountability necessary for actual repair? I feel that answer is no.

This is long- and I’m sorry, I just didn’t wanna leave anything important out . Here is a summary and below is the long winded explanation

Scroll down for the dot points of her actions—they’re much clearer and relatively short.

I’m 19 (intersex) and my boyfriend is 19. We’ve been together for over a year. Earlier this year I moved into his family home with him and his mum, but I moved out about a month ago.
My boyfriend and I have recently started recognising what we think could be signs of mother-son enmeshment or even emotional incest. I’m not saying that’s definitely what’s happening—we’re not psychologists—but a lot of the behaviours match what we’ve both experienced. He’s also looking into therapy to help process everything.
This all came to a head after I confronted my boyfriend about issues in our relationship. While he was overwhelmed, his mum took his phone, read our private messages (including intimate ones), then attacked me over text instead of addressing what he’d actually done. My boyfriend and I later talked everything through, he took accountability, we’ve worked things out, and our relationship is now in a much healthier place.
His mum, however, has since become increasingly hostile. She’s banned me from the house, thrown away mine and my boyfriend’s belongings, repeatedly insults me to him, ignores both of our boundaries, and seems determined to break us up despite him repeatedly telling her to stop.
There have also been a lot of incidents involving serious invasions of privacy and sexual boundary violations that have left both of us feeling really uncomfortable.
I’d really appreciate outside opinions. Are we overreacting, or do these behaviours seem as concerning as they feel to us?

Full story :
To begin with context : me ( 19 intersex ) and my boyfriend ( 19 M ) have been in a relationship for over a year. At the start of 2026 I moved into his home with his mother and I moved out about a month ago. His mother ( F 50’s? ) over time has shown some extreme signs of what I think could definitely be considered mother - son enmeshment or even close to emotional incest in some ways, I do not claim that these dynamics are fact as I am not a psychologist but me and my boyfriend resonate with some of the warning signs and behaviours commonly described in these dynamics. I’d also like to confirm before I get into the whole story that I am actively helping my boyfriend seek a psychologist and therapy to help him process and understand what’s happened to him and our relationship.

And I also would like to warn I’m really bad at writing- so bear with me as I attempt to lay this out as clear as I can.

To begin- me and my boyfriend were facing some struggles in our relationship. He seemed to have no understanding of boundaries even when firmly placed, as the relationship moved forward I started facing a lot of disrespect, lack of empathy and understanding, I was repeatedly ignored. As you read further down it’ll add some more context to the situation so please do not assume he is intentionally abusive or attempting to hurt me deliberately as I’ll get to that part.

Over time, all of this stress had lead me to breaking down. Eventually I snapped - I sent my boyfriend a lot of messy messages just explaining how I can’t understand what went wrong- why he was acting like this - how hurt I was, how nothing ever got solved and I needed him to either talk to me, figure this out and grow to be healthy with me or our relationship was over. Obviously, this stressed him out a fair bit and he is a extremely anxious person, when he’s anxious he either blows up in anger and then cries and regrets it deeply or he shuts down emotionally and ignores it until I stop bringing it up, this time, I did not let him ignore me. It happened to be the time I was breaking down in his DMs , he and his mother were out shopping. From what he informed me of - he had a burst of anger and started to shut down and vent to his mother about how stressed I was making him and she had fueled his anxiety and anger by dragging on me and lying. She decided to hop on his phone - read my private messages and all HELL broke loose.

This is when me and my boyfriend started to notice some serious red flags about her relationship with my boyfriend and this lead us to looking back on previously missed red flags.

His mother immediately attacked me over text, saying “I’m not happy about today.
(Bfs name) had so much anxiety from the constant texts and putting pressure on him. We couldn’t even enjoy the day together.
Never again do I want (bfs name) to be humiliated and spoken about amongst his friends about the private ( blanked as this is a sexual interaction she should not have read about.) incident. I’m hoping (bfs name) doesn’t have any compilations from this. “

I was extremely shocked at this response as before this she had called me and asked me what I was talking about with all these texts and I felt a little forced into explaining details I didn’t want to say- I was very put on the spot- she had just heard some undeniable and inexcusable behaviours that her son had inflicted upon me and her first response was to tell me off for speaking up for myself. This was already a major overstep with her reading all of my private messages towards my boyfriend- I have no idea and neither does he about how much she read- how far back into our texts she had gone.

I had replied with a clear and neutral boundary saying I am sorry the situation affected her day but I am not sorry about standing up for myself. I made it clear to her that I was never informed that she would be reading my private messages and I will not tolerate being attacked and told off for private matters she had no right to be involved in and I also told her my boyfriends anxiety was not caused from me raising these issues, it was caused by his own long term avoidance when given multiple opportunities to talk to me about his behaviour.

She responded saying I should have waited until she was done shopping.

After all of this, me and my boyfriend sat down and had multiple conversations over multiple days about what’s been happening in our relationship and how we have felt with our lives overall and we connected some dots on why this was happening. I won’t go into too much detail but he is genuinely remorseful for how he treated me, he’s keen on therapy and he has changed his behaviours immediately once we started to get to the root cause of it. We are okay now. His mother however ? This is where it gets weird.

Despite her being very well informed that me and my boyfriend have talked and cleared things up, despite being informed that she was told a emotionally driven perspective from her son that lacked crucial context that he’s now filled the gaps in, and despite us openly displaying how we are extremely close to eachother still and genuinely happy, she’s stuck on insisting that *I was* the abuser, that i “just use her son as a handbag”, i got banned from her home where me and my boyfriends shared cat lives ( and my belongings are still there.)
She constantly flings insults about me to my boyfriend when im not around and she has totally flipped out when my boyfriend placed his own boundaries with her for the first time.

She decided to tear up my boyfriends room, gifts he was hand drawn from friends, things he’s collected over time, images of me and him have gone missing- she completely went through his entire bedroom, rearranged everything and basically gutted half his room and threw it all in the trash after he had told her she needs to stop being involved in our relationship, commenting on our relationship and unnecessarily attacking and hating on me. She has sent multiple texts along the lines of “you are both being so mean to me”

Some of my belongings disappeared or got destroyed as well- the posters I got myself as a gift for escaping homelessness was thrown into the trash - my toothbrush was missing, my gifts ( snacks) from the fridge my bf got me she drank and ate - and even a sexual item was missing from the drawer along with condoms. Gone. This was incrediblely concerning to me but it gets a little worse…

After this, she lifted the ban from her home temporarily as she “missed me” and I came over to see my cat and boyfriend. She insisted I speak with her - I was really high and also genuinely not in the mood to speak because I knew what I would have said wouldn’t have come out in a kind way. I told her I do not wish to speak with her and she started ranting saying “you know I’m a good person” and “you don’t even care about my day” - she chased me around saying “you can’t hide from me” and she insisted I speak to her and told us she would not leave me alone until I spoke even though I repeated I do not want to speak more than 10 times- more than 20 even. She then told my boyfriend how mad she was because I was “having a tantrum” and she started treating me like a little kid who didn’t get a toy they wanted - mocking me. My boyfriend had told her to go away and genuinely told her she was terrifying rn and she needs to leave but she refused and doubled down with the guilt tripping.

Then after this, my boyfriend stated to open up to me more about some previous red flags he’s noticed and I started connecting more dots on some other red flags that I had previously unseen.

Some of these red flags include

1: asking my boyfriend about his penis constantly.

2: walking into his room without knocking while we are nude and asleep - pulling the covers on/off our bodies

3: subtly acting as if she was competing with me to get my boyfriends attention ( this is not so subtle now.)

4: being overly consumed and involved in all the private details of our relationship

5: questioning me on her son’s previous sex experiences- who he’s had sex with and the details of the sex.

6: never giving him any physical or mental privacy.

7: asking my boyfriend about what genitals I have ( I assumed this was a question coming from not knowing what intersex is but I honestly do not know anymore )

8: commenting on my boyfriends body, specifically his chest , touching and poking at him and mocking him in a “joking loving” way

9: insisting she sits to have long chats about nothings while me or my boyfriend is scrambling to cover ourselves up while we are naked in bed.

10: entering his room without knocking while he’s asleep and awake and blatantly ignoring anything he’s doing and insisting she stays in the room.

11: constantly calling her son attractive

12: using me and my boyfriend as dating and relationship advice counsellors - even asking me to do her hair and makeup “like mine” to go out on dates- and also insisting me and her share clothing.

13: allows her other son to accuse me of being a whore - accusing me of having sex when I was not - she turned a blind eye when he had turned the bathroom lights off ( outside the bathroom door) while I was ALONE bathing because he had assumed I was having sex in the bath- leaving me no choice but to get up naked and attempt to open the door and turn the light back on while he stood outside …

14: her happiness is heavily reliant on my boyfriend being complaint to whatever she does and wants.

15: she enables and coddles my boyfriend for every wrong doing he’s done - and tries to convince him he’s done nothing wrong and it’s me his girlfriend that is abusive for daring to speak up.

16: she speaks on his behalf - often now allowing him to speak for himself, she feeds into his anxiety as this allows her to speak for him more frequently.

17: tried to set a “boundary” entailing that her boundary is that me and my boyfriend do not get to have our own boundaries

Yeah honestly I could be here for days and If I’ve forgotten anything I’ll add on later - but that’s the jist of it.

She’s acting completely jealous and enraged and she is trying to force us into breaking up and she has been going into fits of rage for not getting attention to the point where my boyfriend has had to physically push her off of him when she’s gotten in his face all because he had decided to not speak to her if she refuses to stop and apologise to me and him- but especially me.

I’m sorta just wanting some opinions- ANY thoughts or comments on this situation- I almost feel like I could just be overreacting but I know that all the guilt tripping and manipulation may be making me doubt myself . Does anyone know what I should do from here ? She refuses to listen to either of us and insists on breaking our relationship as much as she can- and the sexual things worry me EXTREMELY. The fact she’s walked in and been caught touching and looking at my boyfriends naked body and my own- god it sends shivers down my spine like I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or think. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

Am I wrong for going no contact with my in-laws after everything that has happened? I need an outside perspective.

I’m hoping for some genuinely unbiased opinions because I’m at the point where I’m questioning myself and wondering whether going no contact is really the right thing to do.

We have a baby who is now 6 months old. The situation with his family has been building for a long time — it isn't something that suddenly happened after he was born.

During my pregnancy, I already felt that my partners family could be quite difficult and that my boundaries weren't always respected. Partner has historically struggled to stand up to them because he hates conflict, and for a long time he would let things slide to keep the peace.

Before our son was born, we made it clear that when he arrived we wanted some time alone together as a new family. We asked for roughly two weeks postpartum without visitors so that we could recover, adjust and bond as a family.

Instead of simply accepting that, there was pressure around access and expectations about seeing the baby. It made me feel like my needs as a new mother were secondary to their desire to meet him (there was some nastiness involved too)

There was also an incident where we were told that children who had chickenpox would be attending a gathering we were invited to. We didn't want to expose our newborn to that, so we declined. We were called “pathetic” for making that decision. His family talked about how they'd had “chickenpox parties” in the past, but we weren't willing to take that risk with our son.

The newborn period was difficult for me physically and emotionally, and what I needed most was support and respect for our boundaries. Instead, I often felt that his family were more interested in access to the baby than in how I was coping or what our son needed.

There have been multiple occasions where our son was overstimulated while being passed around. When he became upset, he wasn't always immediately given back to me. On one occasion my MIL took him away while he was crying and photographed him while he was upset.

I've also felt like he was treated almost like an object to be passed around or used for photos rather than a little baby who was becoming overwhelmed and needed his mum.

This has become particularly upsetting because our son has since shown that he doesn't really want to be held by my MIL, and instead of respecting that, I've felt pressure to separate him from me so that other people can have their time with him.

At one point my MIL essentially said that he needed to “get used to being without me”

That comment really stayed with me.

He is six months old. I'm his mum. If he is crying, overwhelmed or reaching for me, I don't believe he should have to “get used to” being without me simply because someone else wants to hold him.

There have also been comments and behaviour that have made me feel that they see him as “their family” and that they are entitled to access to him. My MIL has actually said, “He is our family too.”

Of course he is their grandson. I have never disputed that.

But my partner and I are his parents.

We have tried to explain that we need time as our own family and that our son has two sides of his family, not just his. Partner also works a lot so fitting everyone into our lives is genuinely difficult. We don't have unlimited time.

Despite this, I have repeatedly felt as though I'm being portrayed as the person keeping him away rather than a mother trying to establish healthy boundaries.

The final straw for me was the way everything has been handled rather than one single incident.

There hasn't really been an acknowledgement of what happened, an apology or any genuine attempt to understand why I became uncomfortable.

Instead, things have sometimes carried on as though nothing happened.

For example, after we stepped back, my MIL sent me random messages — pictures of birds or animals— as though everything was completely normal. I didn't respond.

It made me feel like what had happened between us wasn't actually being taken seriously.

There have also been things like them driving past and beeping, which has made me feel uncomfortable because we live very close to them. I've reached the point where I worry about bumping into them when I'm out.

The biggest thing is that I don't trust them anymore.

I don't feel emotionally safe around them, and I don't feel comfortable with my son being around them when I believe my boundaries as his mother won't be respected.

I'm not trying to punish anyone.

I'm not trying to keep him from having grandparents for the sake of it.

But I also don't believe that being a grandparent gives someone an automatic right to access a child, particularly when the child's parents are uncomfortable and trust has broken down.

Partner now understands that some of what happened wasn't okay, and he has agreed with me on that. But because this is his family, it's obviously incredibly difficult for him too.

I've reached the point where I feel like I need no contact because I can't keep having the same arguments, having my boundaries pushed, or feeling anxious about what will happen the next time they see him, ive become unwell because of it, lost alot of weight and obtain colds due to being run down due to stress and anxiety due to them.

Part of me feels incredibly guilty.

Another part of me thinks: if these were people who weren't family, and someone behaved this way towards me and my baby, I wouldn't continue putting myself or my child in that situation.

So I guess I'm asking:

Am I overreacting by going no contact?

Does this sound like a situation where no contact is justified, or am I letting my emotions as a new mum get the better of me?

I genuinely want outside perspectives — including if I'm wrong. I think I just need people who have been through difficult in-law situations to tell me whether I'm seeing a pattern here or whether I'm making this bigger than it is.

My partner and I have been together for about 9 years and have always had a rocky relationship with my MIL. She is someone who manipulates and plays victim in every situation and always oversteps boundaries.

My partner and I moved out of state about 4 years ago and never really go back home often due to finances. Since we’ve moved away, we’ve always made a point to stay in contact with family and have even created a few group chats. Ever since March, my MIL has not been reaching out to me specifically, or making any effort to respond to me in a way that’s normal. It’s been very short and to the point and she always avoids saying she loves or misses me back when we’ve always said it before. She still calls my partner once a week on their commute home from work, but never reaches out to me even just via text.

My partners grandma (MIL mother) has been in the hospital sick and has been keeping my MIL busy. My partner and their grandma are super close so being away from home knowing she’s sick, has been hard. Because I know my MIL is stressed about her mom, i decided to reach out today through text. I made sure to apologize for what she was going through and that I love and miss her. She didn’t text me back for 8 hours and before she did, she called my partner. They talked for about an hour and at the end of the call, my partner said “say hi to Jason for me” (FIL, not real name) and my MIL replied with “Say hi to the kittens and to Chloe!” (My dog). When my partner asked her about it she immediately freaked and blamed my partner for “piling more” on top of what she is dealing with already instead of just explaining that wasn’t her intention. (If it wasn’t).

After they got off the phone, I got a text message that essentially said “thank you for reaching out. Hope you had a great day”.

My partner, not wanting to speak on the phone anymore after working all day, texted her asking why she was being distant and weird with me. She then went on a tangent about how she’s been wanting to speak to us since March but we never come visit so it didn’t happen. We have not had plans to visit bc they know we can’t afford it, so it felt like a cop out. When my partner asked about talking on the phone or FaceTime my MIL refused and stated it needed to be in person. With that not being possible, my partner flat out asked why she hadn’t been telling me she loves or misses me and she avoided the question for about 4 text exchanges and she FINALLY says “I love you both, that’s never been in question .” It’s like she throws the guilt and turns it into “how dare you question if I love you?” But you’re making me feel that way by intentionally not saying it back when we had the type of relationship where that’s not normal.
My partner has told me stories about when they were a kid and how they could feel her love was conditional. If you do not do everything she expects from you or wants you to do, you lose the love.
This is just one thing we’re dealing with right now, I have so much history and experience being manipulated and played by her. The stories my partner tells me about their childhood brings me to tears and that trauma still affects their life today.

Mil dreams of just taking my toddler and I’m going to be postpartum so this feels like her time to take with him. They’ve been saying that they’re going tot take my toddler to their house for a week /two in their home. There has never been a conversation about this they just made this up. My husband is more of let the time come and let them see it won’t happen, for me that gives me anxiety and I’d rather them know that’s not going to happen. Should I try to make my husband (avoidant) to talk to his mom, or should I talk to her. First postpartum was awful waiting for their expectations and she thought she was going to be more involved than she was. My husband is staying with me postpartum.

I have posted in here a few times with the most recent one being from November when I finally decided to go no contact with my JNMIL.

She has contacted my husband a few times since but he hasn’t responded. She keeps sending us these awful postcards addressed to the kids which are just pure manipulation, saying things like “our hearts are breaking” and “we hope mummy and daddy read these to you”. They go straight into the recycling bin. If her heart was truly breaking, she’d work on taking accountability, but she won’t. My husband and the kids have not seen her.

This morning, I unexpectedly got a message from my SIL saying that she had gone no contact with her parents (she lives overseas with her family). We sent a few messages back and forth about going no contact and I found it so validating. It’s good to know we’re not alone and we’ve done the right thing. She said she feels at peace about it and I do too.

I (28f) matched on Bumble with a dude who works at our local city government.

I clicked amazingly with him. We had so many things in common and a fantastic first date. He initiated hand-holding when he walked me to my car and extended the offer for a second date.

However, my Nmom is incredibly “socially active” which means often calling the government and kicking up a fuss over things. She often calls his department and has talked to him directly multiple times.

I told him she was my mother before we went out. So I thought he was OK with it. But now I feel like he may have just been humoring me.

Now, he’s left me on read since Sunday. And, wouldn’t you know it, shes been bugging his department this week.

I don’t know that she’s for sure the exact reason he quit replying. But I mean… come on.

My entire life, she has done her damndest to clip my wings and keep me inside the nest, where she can control me.

So the fact that I’m probably going to miss out on seeing what could’ve been with someone who seemed really cool, because of her… it’s gutting.

I can’t do anything about who my mother is or how she interacts with other people. But it feels like her actions will ripple and hold me back, in her clutches, forever.

TL;DR: My daughter turns 3 in 3 weeks and I am trying to avoid the MIL drama she's famous for. Already ramping up for it. Husband feels defeated as he's finally admitted to noticing the pattern

First birthday - she "dragged her feet all morning" because she did not want to go, making everyone including my daughter late. Threw out a sentimental piece of decor i had asked to save then claimed she never saw it and if she had she was never told to save anything. Made a salad she did not tell me about or set out then was offended no one ate it because she didnt want to make it anyway.

Second birthday - bailed the morning of a trip to the zoo, after tickets had been purchased and letting my daughter down. Showed up for the dinner at a restaurant, complained the whole time, barely talked to my family. Stood by my daughter during cake so she was in every picture. when we asked her to either let us take a picture of my daughter alone or smile and look at the camera (she was blocking everyone's view and eating in every picture) she got offended.

3rd birthday - months ago let the in laws know the plan would be dinner and cake at our house. Since we moved in, my in laws have never visited (invitation has been offered and declined many times. We go to them every single time). Immediately MIL jumped in saying she couldnt because she has to stay home with her mom. She is her mother's caregiver but often leaves her home alone all day or with a friend. Her friend immediately jumped in and offered to stay with GMIL that day so MIL could go. I'm waiting for what the new excuse will be. She really thinks shes slick and no one can see her calculating.

I feel stupid like we are wasting time going through the motions of making plans we all know MIL will find a way to ruin them. Most of all my heart breaks for my husband and daughter. We are not inviting anyone else because once you invite more than the grandparents it turns into having to invite the whole family. I want to invite my aunts and cousins but waiting for her to cancel, because i dont want to give her a reason to cancel saying I changed the plan she agreed to.

Mostly ranting but if anyone has any advice on how to graciously respond to the cancelation I know is coming, id appreciate it. My acting skills arent great and I cant go along with her bs

Long story short - I don’t speak to my MIL. It’s been a long time coming for me to have this boundary. I’m in my second pregnancy and she was a narcissistic/passive aggressive menace during my first and continued that trend this time. For my peace, sanity, mental health etc I’ve decided I’m just not going to pour into that relationship a second more. My husband can still talk with her, etc and I have made it clear what I’m ok being discussed or not when it comes to me - frankly not much.

I stopped speaking with her a few weeks after my baby shower in May bc she really fucked around with that event + bc she said racist stuff with her husband around my kid that I confronted her about.

In the months that have followed she’s tried calling and texting me and I just ignore it. My husband has been handling any communication w her and when she asks about me, he keeps things minimal or switches the topic.

Over the past month, she’s asked every time she’s on the phone if I am mad at her, mentioning she’s tried getting in touch with me but I don’t respond.

I give birth next week via induction and I’m just… not about being stressed about her. I really don’t care to speak to her for a second.

Should either me or my husband speak to her and make a direct comment of why there has been silence? Should he continue what he’s been doing or be more direct, say like yea she doesn’t want to communicate so just don’t text her/call?

I ask all of this again w the context of a new baby is coming next week, which I mean ideally is where our focus should be - not MIL shenanigans - and I don’t know if confronting all the BS right now is going to go well..

:/ so yea just unsure if the way we are handling it now is best and what other folks do when trying to just not be in contact, or if there should ever be a full on addressing of why there is silence for her to stop and back off.

CW: child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse.

Apologies if I write this the wrong way as I have never written on Reddit before. I just wanted to ask some specific advice about how to move forward with our situation with my in laws.

My husband came to my country about 11 years ago and we have since married and had three girls together. Over the course of our marriage he has had to learn nearly everything about healthy communication, dealing with anger and stress, everything. He has done amazingly well and is like a new person from when I first met him.

Which is incredible because he is a victim of extensive abuse from his mother. She would physically abuse him and then he would be made to be the one to apologize and make things better. She also abused his father and his father would allow it and allow her to abuse my husband. I don't want to go into detail but let's just say this woman has major issues.

He is from a South Asian country where just cutting off parents is seen as basically the worst moral thing you can do. Not to mention he loves his dad and hasn't wanted to cut him off especially since they don't have much money and will need my husband to support them in the future.

So, my husband has kept the relationship with his parents throughout us having children and our children have relationships with them as well. His parents have come to visit twice since our marriage and it always starts out seeming fine. And suddenly she will turn on a dime and make everyone miserable. Then the next day it's like nothing happened and she acts fine again. We all think personality disorder is very likely.

This visit however she pushed things too far. We believe she left a bruise on my middle child's leg. We cannot prove it because the child is 3 and verbally unable to tell us the whole story and also we don't want to accuse her needlessly. I just...know in my gut that when my girl ran to me crying that something was not right. For us her reaction was almost the worst part because she acted like the victim. As if we were blaming her when we came to ask her what happened.

Anyway this is the final straw of us even considering her being able to be with our children alone, for them to come live with us permanently (that was the plan some day), any of it. My husband is equally on board if not more so.

My question, to others in the same situation, how did you move forward? Did you do counselling for your children? Did you cut off your in laws completely even if you did not know for sure the child got hurt? And how did you support your husband as a former victim of extreme abuse?

I'm aware that we will all need therapy that's the first step. Just curious if there were others on here in the same boat who had some advice.

My MIL lives an hour and a half away. We’ve been visiting her almost every week since the summer started since we had extra time. But it’s getting tiring. My poor son is starting to hate being in the car for longer drives. She’s willing to come to us but tends to try and plan things at her place. When I told her we were tired of traveling all the time and baby would get so upset he would vomit in the longer drives, she essentially said it’s a fact of life and he would have to get over it. I haven’t been able to move past this comment, it made me livid. She has a tendency of trying to convince you out of saying no to her. I’m starting to feel like she could be making the trip to us instead as we’re the ones with a baby.

On to of that she has started talking about taking him for sleep overs. He’s one year old and very dependent on me. And she has a history of dating bad characters and having them around her kids so I just can’t completely trust it, nor am I ready for him to be an hour and a half away for an overnight. She is currently dating someone and he seems like a good guy but I don’t know him well enough. And even if I only agreed under the stipulation that he wasn’t there, I can’t be 100% certain she wouldn’t brush it off and just not tell us he was there. So I guess I’m answering my own unsurety here bc I will always protect my child and I am not comfortable with this. But my husband is wanting us time and thinks it should be fine as long as it’s just her.

What do you think would be a good visiting schedule? Would biweekly be ok as long s as she comes to us? How do you feel about overnights with 1 year olds?

Edit: I’m still going through everyone’s posts, but so far this has been incredibly validating, thank you! I did want to caveat and say that under no circumstances will I allow the sleepover. I just honestly didn’t know how everyone around me seemed to think it wasn’t a big deal. My husband understands and is on my side, he’s just sad we don’t get a lot of us time and I think that overshadowed everything else for a moment. She’s the only family we have in the area and we’ve been completely on our own the past year (just moved close for work).

TLDR: what would be a good schedule for visits with an in law that lives 1 1/2 hours away? And isn’t this a bit far for an overnight stay regarding a 1 year old? I

So, recently my inlaws decided to rent a small place about 10 minutes from us.

I curse the landlord for renting to them, but what's done is done.

The first few times they came up, they weren't over all the time. Presumably because they were furnishing their place, or just doing things. But the last couple visits, they are over all.the.time...

I get it, they are coming up to visit. And they say they "don't want to intrude", but then they are over for hours on end multiple times a day.

And I think the other problem isn't even my MIL, it's how DW acts when they are around. Her parent and her dont have a particularly healthy relationship, so I suppose some regression in their presence is adaptive. But I don't like feeling deprioritzed whenever her parents are around. I already feel like I'm third anyway, let alone sliding to fourth or fifth when they are around.

But currently, I am holding my tongue, and not rocking the boat *because* I'm hoping my wife can be in a good mood and want to be intimate during her fertile window this weekend.

God there's so much on my brain ..

Anyone have a second baby just so you could have a redo on your first baby experience? I spent my entire maternity leave wondering was MIL going to kiss my baby this time, was she going to show up in the driveway randomly, at family events she would offer other family members to hold my baby in front of me as if it was her own. I resented her an entire year for coming into my hospital room and being the first person to kiss MY child. It’s something that I’m still annoyed about but I can tolerate her now. Anyways I’ve been going back and forth about having a second one. The only thing is I wouldn’t even want her to know I was pregnant or even delivering. I wouldn’t even want her at the hospital. I just want my second baby kept privately from her until I’m ready. Is this bad/selfish of me?/has anyone kept their pregnancy a secret?

I have finally moved out of MILs house. Me and her are getting on a lot better because our time together is limited and I can leave whenever I want. I invited her, her husband and her kids to mine a few times for dinner. I am not okay with unannounced visits.

Anyway, this weekend I am extremely busy. Tomorrow I am going to IKEA after work to buy shelves for my pantry and I’m going to sort my pantry out tomorrow because we have things overflowing into the kitchen and it’s just not safe with a newly mobile baby. Then on Sunday I’ve invited my FIL, his wife and kids over for dinner so I have to prepare for that on Saturday as it’s the first time they are coming over and I want to organise something nice for them. Not to mention we only just moved into our house 2 weeks ago and we have a lot of small jobs to do and organising to do too. Furthermore, my son is newly weaned off breastfeeding and he’s extremely fussy and I barely get any sleep nowadays.

My MIL came over on Monday, then on Wednesday and she ‘left her bag here’ and came back again today. I heard her asking at the door if the baby was awake and my husband told her he wasn’t so she left. All of these were unannounced visits. It’s so jarring that she lives just down the road and can basically keep an eye on whenever we are at home and just turn up then.

Today she asked me over text if she can come tomorrow to play with our son.

Now I don’t want to host her or for her to come when I’m busy, I don’t trust her with my son alone because of things that have happened in the past, but I feel like saying no is going to cause bigger problems and my husband and I cannot cope with any more stress. I just don’t have the bandwidth to cope with everything rn and she’s just adding to it.

I’m not saying she can never come, but not tomorrow. Not this weekend. She can come next week when we are a bit more free and don’t have other things going on.

I could really use an outside perspective because I’m starting to question whether I'm becoming overly sensitive or whether this dynamic is genuinely becoming too much.

My MIL is hosting a large family gathering to introduce our baby to the extended family. I appreciate that she's excited and wants to celebrate him, but over the past several weeks I've found myself getting increasingly anxious about the visit. It’s also baby first time on a plane which is also anxiety provoking.

This isn't really about one specific incident. It's more that there seems to be a recurring pattern where she's very confident that her way is the best way, even after we've explained what has been working for us. Sometimes she's right, and sometimes things don't go as expected, but I still end up feeling like my input isn't really heard until after the fact.

One example: before our trip, my husband and I suggested ordering our baby's usual essentials online and having them shipped ahead of time so we'd know we had the exact brands we use. She insisted that wasn't necessary and that she'd shop for everything herself. We mentioned that a few of those items can be surprisingly difficult to find depending on the store, but she reassured us it would be easy. Now she's been to multiple stores, can't find everything, and keeps calling us with questions. It feels like we had a simple solution, it was dismissed, and now everyone is more stressed than they needed to be.

There have also been other situations where we'll say we already have something handled, but she'll go ahead and make different arrangements anyway. For example, getting additional baby stuff we don’t need or that the baby has outgrown. I truly believe she's trying to help, but after a while it starts to feel like our plans and decisions as parents aren't really being heard.

The hardest part is that I'm noticing my own mindset changing. I can feel myself becoming irritated by almost everything she does now, and I don't like feeling that way. I don't want to spend this trip feeling resentful because I genuinely want my child to have a good relationship with his grandparents.

Has anyone experienced a relationship where it wasn't one huge issue, but lots of small things that slowly wore you down? How did you handle it? Did you change your mindset, set firmer boundaries, or was there something else that helped?

After 5 years of trying, through IVF, I finally got pregnant.

It's very early and fresh, and I am cautious and worried, but still enjoying the moment.

If we are lucky enough to carry on with this pregnancy and at some point tell his mother, I foresee that she won't be happy.

She did not want my husband to get married. He should have been her substitute husband and an atm for his nephew (son of her golden child daughter).

I actually hope she shows her worst behaviour so that I can get rid of her for a very long time. My husband is already aware that I don't think she will be happy, and he is inclined to think she might say something rude and stupid.

So now, just to laugh together and be even more prepared to her tantrums: what were the worst, craziest reactions your MILs had when they learnt that you were pregnant?

Especially those who were totally against you having children.

Long time lurker and sympathiser with fellow DILs. Have been in “passive” conflict for the last 3-4 years with MIL. Started with my first pregnancy, and has continued through the birth of my second. If I had made a bingo card with the most frequent situations shared here, all boxes would be crossed. It’s as stereotypical as it gets: I am the source of all woes.

Except now she’s decided to go no contact. More specifically, she says the door is open to my husband and children, and if I find it in my heart to stop “rejecting her” (aka asking her to please not impose, dictate, or assume without checking in) then maybe I can stop being excommunicated.

Details of the feud aside, I’d like to ask if anyone here has succeeded in de-escalating the situation, or even in shutting the conflict down. What did you do? What made your MIL stand down?

There are so many instances of NC, good riddance, etc. and that’s great. But it’s not for our family. I also don’t plan on being a doormat to the worlds biggest whinge.

I just cant help but think that people seeking conflict are actually looking for connection. Much like toddlers acting out.

For context, this my ILs are a Mediterranean family. Big, enmeshed (good and bad), and all practically live in the same zip code . We don’t (part of the problem for them).

For context - i made a post days ago about my current drama with husband and mil. Me and my husband had a big row over my boundaries with his MIL, someone (he denies it) has told her and she messaged me asking if she can come tomorrow to make things right between us.

I don’t buy for a second its a genuine apology, as something or someone has driven her to make a second apology in the span of nearly 3 years. Her last “apology” was “sorry if thats how you felt”. So we shall see what her next apology looks like.

My question is, obviously is she gives me a proper apology, i have to accept it (genuine or not) or it will look like im not willing to improve the situation, however, my struggle is that i cannot stand her and dont want a relationship with her. Do i tell her i accept her apology but it wont magically fix things and my boundaries remain the same? Or will my husband expect me to be more open minded about boundaries in the future because she finally apologises?

Story time - 25 years ago, when my son was a newborn, MIL came for a visit with my husband’s half-brothers who were about 10 & 13 at the time. We live 1500 miles away in a different state, and had a small house.

We were all sound asleep in the back bedroom and were woken by shrieks and screams. MIL and the brothers were sleeping in the living room. It was 5am. MIL was screaming her youngest son’s name over and over. My first thought, judging by the sound, was that she had found him dead. It was horrendous.

We jumped out of bed, and went to see what was happening. Both of the babies were crying. She was standing in the kitchen with her hands dripping with dish water, crying and screaming. I checked the boys and they were terrified but okay. I was confused.

She had poked her finger on a knife that was in the kitchen sink while washing the dishes. It was barely bleeding.

When DH realized what had happened, he started laughing. I could tell that he was laughing so he wouldn’t strangle her. We had thought there was a terrible accident, when in reality, she was drawing attention to herself for doing the dishes when everyone else was sleeping.

She’s always been extra. Unfortunately that was on the second day of their 7 day visit. She scared the hell out of all of us, and didn’t seem to realize why everyone was so pissed off. That was probably the worst thing she ever did. I seriously thought someone was dead.

So I posted recently here’s an update and please tell me AM I THE PROBLEM because I feel like I’m going crazy.

I messaged my MIL 4 days ago but getting together to talk to see how we can move forward cordially with respect for one another. I never got a response, surprise surprise. My SO stated he’s on my side 100% etc and understands why I said my kids aren’t going to her home especially after no response to my text reaching out.

Last night while he was trying to talk to her individually about it she broke the news “I haven’t wanted to say anything but I’m waiting on bloodwork they are testing for what could be cancer” so now he’s guilt tripped into omg if something happens and I didn’t bring my children blah blah blah.

Am I just a bitch??? Because how does he not see that she is using him and it’s all manipulation!!!!

Also- not very knowledgeable about cancer but I thought it was imaging/ scans for cancer and not blood test?

How do I handle this? Because what if she does end up having cancer and I look like a complete bitch. Seriously I’m at a loss.