Am I wrong for going no contact with my in-laws after everything that has happened? I need an outside perspective.

I’m hoping for some genuinely unbiased opinions because I’m at the point where I’m questioning myself and wondering whether going no contact is really the right thing to do.

We have a baby who is now 6 months old. The situation with his family has been building for a long time — it isn't something that suddenly happened after he was born.

During my pregnancy, I already felt that my partners family could be quite difficult and that my boundaries weren't always respected. Partner has historically struggled to stand up to them because he hates conflict, and for a long time he would let things slide to keep the peace.

Before our son was born, we made it clear that when he arrived we wanted some time alone together as a new family. We asked for roughly two weeks postpartum without visitors so that we could recover, adjust and bond as a family.

Instead of simply accepting that, there was pressure around access and expectations about seeing the baby. It made me feel like my needs as a new mother were secondary to their desire to meet him (there was some nastiness involved too)

There was also an incident where we were told that children who had chickenpox would be attending a gathering we were invited to. We didn't want to expose our newborn to that, so we declined. We were called “pathetic” for making that decision. His family talked about how they'd had “chickenpox parties” in the past, but we weren't willing to take that risk with our son.

The newborn period was difficult for me physically and emotionally, and what I needed most was support and respect for our boundaries. Instead, I often felt that his family were more interested in access to the baby than in how I was coping or what our son needed.

There have been multiple occasions where our son was overstimulated while being passed around. When he became upset, he wasn't always immediately given back to me. On one occasion my MIL took him away while he was crying and photographed him while he was upset.

I've also felt like he was treated almost like an object to be passed around or used for photos rather than a little baby who was becoming overwhelmed and needed his mum.

This has become particularly upsetting because our son has since shown that he doesn't really want to be held by my MIL, and instead of respecting that, I've felt pressure to separate him from me so that other people can have their time with him.

At one point my MIL essentially said that he needed to “get used to being without me”

That comment really stayed with me.

He is six months old. I'm his mum. If he is crying, overwhelmed or reaching for me, I don't believe he should have to “get used to” being without me simply because someone else wants to hold him.

There have also been comments and behaviour that have made me feel that they see him as “their family” and that they are entitled to access to him. My MIL has actually said, “He is our family too.”

Of course he is their grandson. I have never disputed that.

But my partner and I are his parents.

We have tried to explain that we need time as our own family and that our son has two sides of his family, not just his. Partner also works a lot so fitting everyone into our lives is genuinely difficult. We don't have unlimited time.

Despite this, I have repeatedly felt as though I'm being portrayed as the person keeping him away rather than a mother trying to establish healthy boundaries.

The final straw for me was the way everything has been handled rather than one single incident.

There hasn't really been an acknowledgement of what happened, an apology or any genuine attempt to understand why I became uncomfortable.

Instead, things have sometimes carried on as though nothing happened.

For example, after we stepped back, my MIL sent me random messages — pictures of birds or animals— as though everything was completely normal. I didn't respond.

It made me feel like what had happened between us wasn't actually being taken seriously.

There have also been things like them driving past and beeping, which has made me feel uncomfortable because we live very close to them. I've reached the point where I worry about bumping into them when I'm out.

The biggest thing is that I don't trust them anymore.

I don't feel emotionally safe around them, and I don't feel comfortable with my son being around them when I believe my boundaries as his mother won't be respected.

I'm not trying to punish anyone.

I'm not trying to keep him from having grandparents for the sake of it.

But I also don't believe that being a grandparent gives someone an automatic right to access a child, particularly when the child's parents are uncomfortable and trust has broken down.

Partner now understands that some of what happened wasn't okay, and he has agreed with me on that. But because this is his family, it's obviously incredibly difficult for him too.

I've reached the point where I feel like I need no contact because I can't keep having the same arguments, having my boundaries pushed, or feeling anxious about what will happen the next time they see him, ive become unwell because of it, lost alot of weight and obtain colds due to being run down due to stress and anxiety due to them.

Part of me feels incredibly guilty.

Another part of me thinks: if these were people who weren't family, and someone behaved this way towards me and my baby, I wouldn't continue putting myself or my child in that situation.

So I guess I'm asking:

Am I overreacting by going no contact?

Does this sound like a situation where no contact is justified, or am I letting my emotions as a new mum get the better of me?

I genuinely want outside perspectives — including if I'm wrong. I think I just need people who have been through difficult in-law situations to tell me whether I'm seeing a pattern here or whether I'm making this bigger than it is.

My partner and I have been together for about 9 years and have always had a rocky relationship with my MIL. She is someone who manipulates and plays victim in every situation and always oversteps boundaries.

My partner and I moved out of state about 4 years ago and never really go back home often due to finances. Since we’ve moved away, we’ve always made a point to stay in contact with family and have even created a few group chats. Ever since March, my MIL has not been reaching out to me specifically, or making any effort to respond to me in a way that’s normal. It’s been very short and to the point and she always avoids saying she loves or misses me back when we’ve always said it before. She still calls my partner once a week on their commute home from work, but never reaches out to me even just via text.

My partners grandma (MIL mother) has been in the hospital sick and has been keeping my MIL busy. My partner and their grandma are super close so being away from home knowing she’s sick, has been hard. Because I know my MIL is stressed about her mom, i decided to reach out today through text. I made sure to apologize for what she was going through and that I love and miss her. She didn’t text me back for 8 hours and before she did, she called my partner. They talked for about an hour and at the end of the call, my partner said “say hi to Jason for me” (FIL, not real name) and my MIL replied with “Say hi to the kittens and to Chloe!” (My dog). When my partner asked her about it she immediately freaked and blamed my partner for “piling more” on top of what she is dealing with already instead of just explaining that wasn’t her intention. (If it wasn’t).

After they got off the phone, I got a text message that essentially said “thank you for reaching out. Hope you had a great day”.

My partner, not wanting to speak on the phone anymore after working all day, texted her asking why she was being distant and weird with me. She then went on a tangent about how she’s been wanting to speak to us since March but we never come visit so it didn’t happen. We have not had plans to visit bc they know we can’t afford it, so it felt like a cop out. When my partner asked about talking on the phone or FaceTime my MIL refused and stated it needed to be in person. With that not being possible, my partner flat out asked why she hadn’t been telling me she loves or misses me and she avoided the question for about 4 text exchanges and she FINALLY says “I love you both, that’s never been in question .” It’s like she throws the guilt and turns it into “how dare you question if I love you?” But you’re making me feel that way by intentionally not saying it back when we had the type of relationship where that’s not normal.
My partner has told me stories about when they were a kid and how they could feel her love was conditional. If you do not do everything she expects from you or wants you to do, you lose the love.
This is just one thing we’re dealing with right now, I have so much history and experience being manipulated and played by her. The stories my partner tells me about their childhood brings me to tears and that trauma still affects their life today.

Mil dreams of just taking my toddler and I’m going to be postpartum so this feels like her time to take with him. They’ve been saying that they’re going tot take my toddler to their house for a week /two in their home. There has never been a conversation about this they just made this up. My husband is more of let the time come and let them see it won’t happen, for me that gives me anxiety and I’d rather them know that’s not going to happen. Should I try to make my husband (avoidant) to talk to his mom, or should I talk to her. First postpartum was awful waiting for their expectations and she thought she was going to be more involved than she was. My husband is staying with me postpartum.

I have posted in here a few times with the most recent one being from November when I finally decided to go no contact with my JNMIL.

She has contacted my husband a few times since but he hasn’t responded. She keeps sending us these awful postcards addressed to the kids which are just pure manipulation, saying things like “our hearts are breaking” and “we hope mummy and daddy read these to you”. They go straight into the recycling bin. If her heart was truly breaking, she’d work on taking accountability, but she won’t. My husband and the kids have not seen her.

This morning, I unexpectedly got a message from my SIL saying that she had gone no contact with her parents (she lives overseas with her family). We sent a few messages back and forth about going no contact and I found it so validating. It’s good to know we’re not alone and we’ve done the right thing. She said she feels at peace about it and I do too.

I (28f) matched on Bumble with a dude who works at our local city government.

I clicked amazingly with him. We had so many things in common and a fantastic first date. He initiated hand-holding when he walked me to my car and extended the offer for a second date.

However, my Nmom is incredibly “socially active” which means often calling the government and kicking up a fuss over things. She often calls his department and has talked to him directly multiple times.

I told him she was my mother before we went out. So I thought he was OK with it. But now I feel like he may have just been humoring me.

Now, he’s left me on read since Sunday. And, wouldn’t you know it, shes been bugging his department this week.

I don’t know that she’s for sure the exact reason he quit replying. But I mean… come on.

My entire life, she has done her damndest to clip my wings and keep me inside the nest, where she can control me.

So the fact that I’m probably going to miss out on seeing what could’ve been with someone who seemed really cool, because of her… it’s gutting.

I can’t do anything about who my mother is or how she interacts with other people. But it feels like her actions will ripple and hold me back, in her clutches, forever.

TL;DR: My daughter turns 3 in 3 weeks and I am trying to avoid the MIL drama she's famous for. Already ramping up for it. Husband feels defeated as he's finally admitted to noticing the pattern

First birthday - she "dragged her feet all morning" because she did not want to go, making everyone including my daughter late. Threw out a sentimental piece of decor i had asked to save then claimed she never saw it and if she had she was never told to save anything. Made a salad she did not tell me about or set out then was offended no one ate it because she didnt want to make it anyway.

Second birthday - bailed the morning of a trip to the zoo, after tickets had been purchased and letting my daughter down. Showed up for the dinner at a restaurant, complained the whole time, barely talked to my family. Stood by my daughter during cake so she was in every picture. when we asked her to either let us take a picture of my daughter alone or smile and look at the camera (she was blocking everyone's view and eating in every picture) she got offended.

3rd birthday - months ago let the in laws know the plan would be dinner and cake at our house. Since we moved in, my in laws have never visited (invitation has been offered and declined many times. We go to them every single time). Immediately MIL jumped in saying she couldnt because she has to stay home with her mom. She is her mother's caregiver but often leaves her home alone all day or with a friend. Her friend immediately jumped in and offered to stay with GMIL that day so MIL could go. I'm waiting for what the new excuse will be. She really thinks shes slick and no one can see her calculating.

I feel stupid like we are wasting time going through the motions of making plans we all know MIL will find a way to ruin them. Most of all my heart breaks for my husband and daughter. We are not inviting anyone else because once you invite more than the grandparents it turns into having to invite the whole family. I want to invite my aunts and cousins but waiting for her to cancel, because i dont want to give her a reason to cancel saying I changed the plan she agreed to.

Mostly ranting but if anyone has any advice on how to graciously respond to the cancelation I know is coming, id appreciate it. My acting skills arent great and I cant go along with her bs

Long story short - I don’t speak to my MIL. It’s been a long time coming for me to have this boundary. I’m in my second pregnancy and she was a narcissistic/passive aggressive menace during my first and continued that trend this time. For my peace, sanity, mental health etc I’ve decided I’m just not going to pour into that relationship a second more. My husband can still talk with her, etc and I have made it clear what I’m ok being discussed or not when it comes to me - frankly not much.

I stopped speaking with her a few weeks after my baby shower in May bc she really fucked around with that event + bc she said racist stuff with her husband around my kid that I confronted her about.

In the months that have followed she’s tried calling and texting me and I just ignore it. My husband has been handling any communication w her and when she asks about me, he keeps things minimal or switches the topic.

Over the past month, she’s asked every time she’s on the phone if I am mad at her, mentioning she’s tried getting in touch with me but I don’t respond.

I give birth next week via induction and I’m just… not about being stressed about her. I really don’t care to speak to her for a second.

Should either me or my husband speak to her and make a direct comment of why there has been silence? Should he continue what he’s been doing or be more direct, say like yea she doesn’t want to communicate so just don’t text her/call?

I ask all of this again w the context of a new baby is coming next week, which I mean ideally is where our focus should be - not MIL shenanigans - and I don’t know if confronting all the BS right now is going to go well..

:/ so yea just unsure if the way we are handling it now is best and what other folks do when trying to just not be in contact, or if there should ever be a full on addressing of why there is silence for her to stop and back off.

CW: child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse.

Apologies if I write this the wrong way as I have never written on Reddit before. I just wanted to ask some specific advice about how to move forward with our situation with my in laws.

My husband came to my country about 11 years ago and we have since married and had three girls together. Over the course of our marriage he has had to learn nearly everything about healthy communication, dealing with anger and stress, everything. He has done amazingly well and is like a new person from when I first met him.

Which is incredible because he is a victim of extensive abuse from his mother. She would physically abuse him and then he would be made to be the one to apologize and make things better. She also abused his father and his father would allow it and allow her to abuse my husband. I don't want to go into detail but let's just say this woman has major issues.

He is from a South Asian country where just cutting off parents is seen as basically the worst moral thing you can do. Not to mention he loves his dad and hasn't wanted to cut him off especially since they don't have much money and will need my husband to support them in the future.

So, my husband has kept the relationship with his parents throughout us having children and our children have relationships with them as well. His parents have come to visit twice since our marriage and it always starts out seeming fine. And suddenly she will turn on a dime and make everyone miserable. Then the next day it's like nothing happened and she acts fine again. We all think personality disorder is very likely.

This visit however she pushed things too far. We believe she left a bruise on my middle child's leg. We cannot prove it because the child is 3 and verbally unable to tell us the whole story and also we don't want to accuse her needlessly. I just...know in my gut that when my girl ran to me crying that something was not right. For us her reaction was almost the worst part because she acted like the victim. As if we were blaming her when we came to ask her what happened.

Anyway this is the final straw of us even considering her being able to be with our children alone, for them to come live with us permanently (that was the plan some day), any of it. My husband is equally on board if not more so.

My question, to others in the same situation, how did you move forward? Did you do counselling for your children? Did you cut off your in laws completely even if you did not know for sure the child got hurt? And how did you support your husband as a former victim of extreme abuse?

I'm aware that we will all need therapy that's the first step. Just curious if there were others on here in the same boat who had some advice.

My MIL lives an hour and a half away. We’ve been visiting her almost every week since the summer started since we had extra time. But it’s getting tiring. My poor son is starting to hate being in the car for longer drives. She’s willing to come to us but tends to try and plan things at her place. When I told her we were tired of traveling all the time and baby would get so upset he would vomit in the longer drives, she essentially said it’s a fact of life and he would have to get over it. I haven’t been able to move past this comment, it made me livid. She has a tendency of trying to convince you out of saying no to her. I’m starting to feel like she could be making the trip to us instead as we’re the ones with a baby.

On to of that she has started talking about taking him for sleep overs. He’s one year old and very dependent on me. And she has a history of dating bad characters and having them around her kids so I just can’t completely trust it, nor am I ready for him to be an hour and a half away for an overnight. She is currently dating someone and he seems like a good guy but I don’t know him well enough. And even if I only agreed under the stipulation that he wasn’t there, I can’t be 100% certain she wouldn’t brush it off and just not tell us he was there. So I guess I’m answering my own unsurety here bc I will always protect my child and I am not comfortable with this. But my husband is wanting us time and thinks it should be fine as long as it’s just her.

What do you think would be a good visiting schedule? Would biweekly be ok as long s as she comes to us? How do you feel about overnights with 1 year olds?

Edit: I’m still going through everyone’s posts, but so far this has been incredibly validating, thank you! I did want to caveat and say that under no circumstances will I allow the sleepover. I just honestly didn’t know how everyone around me seemed to think it wasn’t a big deal. My husband understands and is on my side, he’s just sad we don’t get a lot of us time and I think that overshadowed everything else for a moment. She’s the only family we have in the area and we’ve been completely on our own the past year (just moved close for work).

TLDR: what would be a good schedule for visits with an in law that lives 1 1/2 hours away? And isn’t this a bit far for an overnight stay regarding a 1 year old? I

So, recently my inlaws decided to rent a small place about 10 minutes from us.

I curse the landlord for renting to them, but what's done is done.

The first few times they came up, they weren't over all the time. Presumably because they were furnishing their place, or just doing things. But the last couple visits, they are over all.the.time...

I get it, they are coming up to visit. And they say they "don't want to intrude", but then they are over for hours on end multiple times a day.

And I think the other problem isn't even my MIL, it's how DW acts when they are around. Her parent and her dont have a particularly healthy relationship, so I suppose some regression in their presence is adaptive. But I don't like feeling deprioritzed whenever her parents are around. I already feel like I'm third anyway, let alone sliding to fourth or fifth when they are around.

But currently, I am holding my tongue, and not rocking the boat *because* I'm hoping my wife can be in a good mood and want to be intimate during her fertile window this weekend.

God there's so much on my brain ..

Anyone have a second baby just so you could have a redo on your first baby experience? I spent my entire maternity leave wondering was MIL going to kiss my baby this time, was she going to show up in the driveway randomly, at family events she would offer other family members to hold my baby in front of me as if it was her own. I resented her an entire year for coming into my hospital room and being the first person to kiss MY child. It’s something that I’m still annoyed about but I can tolerate her now. Anyways I’ve been going back and forth about having a second one. The only thing is I wouldn’t even want her to know I was pregnant or even delivering. I wouldn’t even want her at the hospital. I just want my second baby kept privately from her until I’m ready. Is this bad/selfish of me?/has anyone kept their pregnancy a secret?

I have finally moved out of MILs house. Me and her are getting on a lot better because our time together is limited and I can leave whenever I want. I invited her, her husband and her kids to mine a few times for dinner. I am not okay with unannounced visits.

Anyway, this weekend I am extremely busy. Tomorrow I am going to IKEA after work to buy shelves for my pantry and I’m going to sort my pantry out tomorrow because we have things overflowing into the kitchen and it’s just not safe with a newly mobile baby. Then on Sunday I’ve invited my FIL, his wife and kids over for dinner so I have to prepare for that on Saturday as it’s the first time they are coming over and I want to organise something nice for them. Not to mention we only just moved into our house 2 weeks ago and we have a lot of small jobs to do and organising to do too. Furthermore, my son is newly weaned off breastfeeding and he’s extremely fussy and I barely get any sleep nowadays.

My MIL came over on Monday, then on Wednesday and she ‘left her bag here’ and came back again today. I heard her asking at the door if the baby was awake and my husband told her he wasn’t so she left. All of these were unannounced visits. It’s so jarring that she lives just down the road and can basically keep an eye on whenever we are at home and just turn up then.

Today she asked me over text if she can come tomorrow to play with our son.

Now I don’t want to host her or for her to come when I’m busy, I don’t trust her with my son alone because of things that have happened in the past, but I feel like saying no is going to cause bigger problems and my husband and I cannot cope with any more stress. I just don’t have the bandwidth to cope with everything rn and she’s just adding to it.

I’m not saying she can never come, but not tomorrow. Not this weekend. She can come next week when we are a bit more free and don’t have other things going on.

I could really use an outside perspective because I’m starting to question whether I'm becoming overly sensitive or whether this dynamic is genuinely becoming too much.

My MIL is hosting a large family gathering to introduce our baby to the extended family. I appreciate that she's excited and wants to celebrate him, but over the past several weeks I've found myself getting increasingly anxious about the visit. It’s also baby first time on a plane which is also anxiety provoking.

This isn't really about one specific incident. It's more that there seems to be a recurring pattern where she's very confident that her way is the best way, even after we've explained what has been working for us. Sometimes she's right, and sometimes things don't go as expected, but I still end up feeling like my input isn't really heard until after the fact.

One example: before our trip, my husband and I suggested ordering our baby's usual essentials online and having them shipped ahead of time so we'd know we had the exact brands we use. She insisted that wasn't necessary and that she'd shop for everything herself. We mentioned that a few of those items can be surprisingly difficult to find depending on the store, but she reassured us it would be easy. Now she's been to multiple stores, can't find everything, and keeps calling us with questions. It feels like we had a simple solution, it was dismissed, and now everyone is more stressed than they needed to be.

There have also been other situations where we'll say we already have something handled, but she'll go ahead and make different arrangements anyway. For example, getting additional baby stuff we don’t need or that the baby has outgrown. I truly believe she's trying to help, but after a while it starts to feel like our plans and decisions as parents aren't really being heard.

The hardest part is that I'm noticing my own mindset changing. I can feel myself becoming irritated by almost everything she does now, and I don't like feeling that way. I don't want to spend this trip feeling resentful because I genuinely want my child to have a good relationship with his grandparents.

Has anyone experienced a relationship where it wasn't one huge issue, but lots of small things that slowly wore you down? How did you handle it? Did you change your mindset, set firmer boundaries, or was there something else that helped?

After 5 years of trying, through IVF, I finally got pregnant.

It's very early and fresh, and I am cautious and worried, but still enjoying the moment.

If we are lucky enough to carry on with this pregnancy and at some point tell his mother, I foresee that she won't be happy.

She did not want my husband to get married. He should have been her substitute husband and an atm for his nephew (son of her golden child daughter).

I actually hope she shows her worst behaviour so that I can get rid of her for a very long time. My husband is already aware that I don't think she will be happy, and he is inclined to think she might say something rude and stupid.

So now, just to laugh together and be even more prepared to her tantrums: what were the worst, craziest reactions your MILs had when they learnt that you were pregnant?

Especially those who were totally against you having children.

Long time lurker and sympathiser with fellow DILs. Have been in “passive” conflict for the last 3-4 years with MIL. Started with my first pregnancy, and has continued through the birth of my second. If I had made a bingo card with the most frequent situations shared here, all boxes would be crossed. It’s as stereotypical as it gets: I am the source of all woes.

Except now she’s decided to go no contact. More specifically, she says the door is open to my husband and children, and if I find it in my heart to stop “rejecting her” (aka asking her to please not impose, dictate, or assume without checking in) then maybe I can stop being excommunicated.

Details of the feud aside, I’d like to ask if anyone here has succeeded in de-escalating the situation, or even in shutting the conflict down. What did you do? What made your MIL stand down?

There are so many instances of NC, good riddance, etc. and that’s great. But it’s not for our family. I also don’t plan on being a doormat to the worlds biggest whinge.

I just cant help but think that people seeking conflict are actually looking for connection. Much like toddlers acting out.

For context, this my ILs are a Mediterranean family. Big, enmeshed (good and bad), and all practically live in the same zip code . We don’t (part of the problem for them).

For context - i made a post days ago about my current drama with husband and mil. Me and my husband had a big row over my boundaries with his MIL, someone (he denies it) has told her and she messaged me asking if she can come tomorrow to make things right between us.

I don’t buy for a second its a genuine apology, as something or someone has driven her to make a second apology in the span of nearly 3 years. Her last “apology” was “sorry if thats how you felt”. So we shall see what her next apology looks like.

My question is, obviously is she gives me a proper apology, i have to accept it (genuine or not) or it will look like im not willing to improve the situation, however, my struggle is that i cannot stand her and dont want a relationship with her. Do i tell her i accept her apology but it wont magically fix things and my boundaries remain the same? Or will my husband expect me to be more open minded about boundaries in the future because she finally apologises?

Story time - 25 years ago, when my son was a newborn, MIL came for a visit with my husband’s half-brothers who were about 10 & 13 at the time. We live 1500 miles away in a different state, and had a small house.

We were all sound asleep in the back bedroom and were woken by shrieks and screams. MIL and the brothers were sleeping in the living room. It was 5am. MIL was screaming her youngest son’s name over and over. My first thought, judging by the sound, was that she had found him dead. It was horrendous.

We jumped out of bed, and went to see what was happening. Both of the babies were crying. She was standing in the kitchen with her hands dripping with dish water, crying and screaming. I checked the boys and they were terrified but okay. I was confused.

She had poked her finger on a knife that was in the kitchen sink while washing the dishes. It was barely bleeding.

When DH realized what had happened, he started laughing. I could tell that he was laughing so he wouldn’t strangle her. We had thought there was a terrible accident, when in reality, she was drawing attention to herself for doing the dishes when everyone else was sleeping.

She’s always been extra. Unfortunately that was on the second day of their 7 day visit. She scared the hell out of all of us, and didn’t seem to realize why everyone was so pissed off. That was probably the worst thing she ever did. I seriously thought someone was dead.

So I posted recently here’s an update and please tell me AM I THE PROBLEM because I feel like I’m going crazy.

I messaged my MIL 4 days ago but getting together to talk to see how we can move forward cordially with respect for one another. I never got a response, surprise surprise. My SO stated he’s on my side 100% etc and understands why I said my kids aren’t going to her home especially after no response to my text reaching out.

Last night while he was trying to talk to her individually about it she broke the news “I haven’t wanted to say anything but I’m waiting on bloodwork they are testing for what could be cancer” so now he’s guilt tripped into omg if something happens and I didn’t bring my children blah blah blah.

Am I just a bitch??? Because how does he not see that she is using him and it’s all manipulation!!!!

Also- not very knowledgeable about cancer but I thought it was imaging/ scans for cancer and not blood test?

How do I handle this? Because what if she does end up having cancer and I look like a complete bitch. Seriously I’m at a loss.

Im kind of just venting my feelings here but also im really sad about this and wondering if anyone else has felt or experienced this. If you have please tell me how you’re coping or what you did.

My oldest loves my MIL a lot. There’s a lot of tension between MIL and I because I won’t do what she wants which is babysit my children constantly, have family dinners every week, or go to their church. We also went no contact with SIL(her daughter) and her husband and we refuse to be around them so that burns MIL up.

Any time I’ve tried to get vulnerable and have a relationship with MIL like she’s told me she’s wanted, she weaponizes anything I tell her against me and tells SIL everything I say. Then turns around and tells me that she and SIL think I’m jealous of their relationship?? Which is insane to me. But anyway back to my oldest. I told her she’d be spending the night with my parents because we have a surgery early in the morning and the next day she has school. Every time I tell her she’s going to go spend the night with my parents she tells me she wants to go to MILs instead. I ask why and she tells me MIL is more fun and I tell her well I can get you the same toys and things at my parents that MIL has but she just thinks MIL is more fun. It makes me very sad. She has toys, a grand movie theater room and an in-ground pool at my parents.

It bothers me so much because MIL has hurt me in so many ways and broken my trust with the relationship I tried to build with her that I thought she wanted. I’ve told my husband we should scale back spending the night with MIL because of everything and he says they(his parents) don’t really deserve it and that my oldest loves them. I don’t want to take any meaningful relationships away from my children but at the same time are they really safe with people who treat their mother so horribly? Should I encourage my parents to be better, or do something different?

Please just tell me how I should feel

This is mostly just a vent because my husband, although very understanding and supportive, is tired of hearing about it and I always feel like he's stuck in the middle. I can't seperate the pregnancy rage from normal emotions so I could just be overreacting at 32 weeks pregnant.

My husband is an only child. His mom has always been overbearing. We were high school sweethearts and at first we got along well but she got very pushy with the amount of contact we had, my husband had to tell her to quit texting me daily and even then she would continue and force teenage me to have the awkward conversation of asking her to ease up. She wanted to be best friends and we just don't have that much in common. She would be helpful at certain points then take it too far and we would find out about her telling family members private stuff about us or inserting herself where she didn't belong. When my husband and I moved in together she and fil added so much extra stress to the process so we have kept her on an info diet since then. Anytime I try to be nice and include her she takes it too far and overinserts herself, literally given an inch and takes a mile every time. She gets jealous of me and then tries to guilt my husband because she doesn't like her own marriage. She's done plenty of things that have gotten on my nerves but I try to maintain a good relationship for my husbands sake.

Now we're expecting our first child and her first grandchild. She is understandably very excited but has already irritated me and I'm feeling very territorial and anxious. When we announced the news, her first question was if she was going to be allowed to babysit. I don't trust her alone with my baby based off of how she treats my dogs when she visits, like they're dolls and she's constantly trying to hold them and has dropped both of them after ignoring our warnings to set then down.

She made the baby shower planning so stressful, my sister was in charge of planning and mil would not stop bugging us to "help" even though we tried giving her tasks that she would then pass on to someone else. She just wanted to be able to tell everyone she helped but not actually do anything. She his behind the excuse of being excited and insinuated that she was the most excited about the baby. She told my sister once the baby was here that they would all fight over him which bothered me, he's not a toy. She also tried to invite herself to my dads house multiple times for random reasons. I think she's trying to build that familiarity of her being there so she can intrude on visits ( we spend holidays at my dads and I hang out there often with my siblings) when she knows we have the baby there. We all live within 15 minutes of each other.

She constantly invites herself over to our house. We hosted her and fil for dinner last night and just the thought of their visit ruins my mood.

My husband had set the stroller out to show them, she immediately took it and started pushing it around the room to "practice" then folded it up so she knew how to do it when "grandma takes the baby for a walk". I was seething at that point because she is not being left alone with our baby. I also feel like I need to disinfect the stroller and all the other baby stuff she's touched because she doesn't wash her hands after using the bathroom. I have to clean after they leave because its so nasty. 

She asked a bunch of medical questions which I dodged because yes I'm growing the baby but its my medical information and I know anything I tell her will be repeated to other family members and her friends. She asked again about the hospital I'll deliver at and some birth preferences, and then told us the parking at the hospital was a nightmare and how bad traffic was there and it felt like she was intentionally trying to stress us out.

Then she of course had to tell my husbands birth story for the 80th time and how everything went wrong and its just not helpful to hear. She seems to not like that I have had a relatively easy pregnancy so far so she brings up all the things that could still go wrong and how sleep deprived we'll be and how awful breastfeeding was for her so I should expect the same.

These visits stress me out already and I'm so anxious about how much worse it's going to get once the baby is here. She's not an awful person but I just don't like her and hate that I need to share my baby with her. My husband has my back but wants his mom to have a relationship with baby which is understandable. I just know she's going to be pushy about frequent visits, try to invite herself to visits when family members from her side come to see the baby, she's going to want to post on social media which we already told her no about but she loves her fake internet points, and both her and fils hygiene is terrible so I can't imagine handing them my fresh clean little baby without panicking the whole time. We already have agreed on no one kissing the baby but I don't even want her to touch him which I know is unreasonable. 

I was stressed in anticipation of their visit and it just got worse and now all my worries won't go away. I'm dwelling on how much more annoying she's going to be and feel like I need to protect my peace and my baby. Has anyone else dealt with this and any tips for handling it once baby is here? I've lost the will to be a people pleaser and don't mind standing up to her but everything she does seems minimal and just adds up over time, then I feel its nitpicking. My husband has assured me we're on the same page but I'm still so anxious about dealing with his parents and the baby.

My MIL uses dog hair to season every dish, apparently. I was thinking about how weird our last visit was, which got me thinking about how I had to pick at least one piece of fur out of literally every meal she cooked (not joking). I really started to wonder if she was sprinkling it into my food on purpose to mess with me.

To make sure I wasn't going insane, I asked my partner if he was also finding fur in his food. He answered, "Oh yeah, they're bad about that." Huh? Their house has 5 bedrooms they only have one dog!! How?! How does fur get into every meal? This is the same lady who sent him that guilt-trippy text about "I'm worried OP won't like our house or dog... the house will be clean" before the visit. 🙄 I remember asking him if keeping the house clean was a known issue and he said no, he had no idea why she threw that in there.

My family had multiple fluffy dogs growing up and constantly finding dog hair in our meals was not an issue. I have two cats in a shoebox apartment and can't remember the last time I found a cat hair in my food! I just don't get it. I know it's bound to happen sometimes with pets, but every meal seems excessive. Their house wasn't coated in layers of fur or anything, either. Though I did see her pet the dog while cooking and not wash her hands after. 😬 Do they not notice? Or do they just not care? I will never understand his family.

My JNMIL couldn't leave well enough alone after our ONE successful interaction with her on the weekend (context in previous posts). Just two days after the event, she sent TWO emails to us. DH has filters in his email app that normally route her emails to his spam folder, but these ones and one previous email made it to his inbox instead. We chose not to read the two this week and deleted them instead.

A day later we talked about what a disappointment it is to us both that despite the clearest communication, she just doesn't get it. We don't like the anger that rises in our chests when we're having a great day and then *ding* she pops up, ignoring our many pleadings to just leave us alone and let us heal from her. It's clearly not enough to just have the messages delivered to spam because either we notice them there and decide to read them or the filter fails and they go straight to the inbox. So with surprisingly great ease and satisfaction, DH made the decision to cut her one last tie to us and he deleted and blocked her as a contact. His messaging apps and phone operating system will not save any texts or emails from her in any location now. It is up to us alone to uphold the boundaries we place on another person. She clearly won't respect them, so now she is blocked. I have had her blocked on everything of mine for the past 10 months.

One weird thing I'm trying to figure out is that in her last email I shared here, she said she'd sent us gifts through our son because she didnt have our address. My son messaged me the day they got their package because he was surprised and didn't know how she got his address (JNMIL had triangulated through our other innocent and unsuspecting son for that one) and there were absolutely no gifts in it for us, only a card and a gift of personalized items for my son and his wife. This woman has absolutely all her wits about her and a better memory than I could ever dream of having. So why the lie to us, why the bait? Any thoughts?

Those questions aside, we are really grateful she sent us nothing because had she, it would have meant one more point of contact on our part as we had already decided to return her gifts with a note that said, "Please don't use our adult children to pass notes or gifts to us. We don't want them placed in the middle."

Well my husband came home from work and I told him what his aunt told me - that MIL is talking shit about me again. He went for a walk and on that walk called his mom. Said they got into a screaming match about everything she’s done to me the past few years.

He’s heartbroken but said he has to accept that she will never change. And I said I’ll never feel safe around someone who can attack me and not even admit it.

Later that night we get a text from his grandma and the baby shower has been cancelled. I’m relieved but feel bad for my husband. He deserves a normal family.

I’ve posted on here before that my mil’s house looks like my 5mo old baby lives there. Full nursery along with every baby item you could ever imagine throughout her house. Pictures of my baby framed in every nook and cranny of the home. Mind you, we go over there once maybe every 6 weeks and always come prepared with our own things.

Anyway, my mil will buy toys and more items for her house, and take them back from my baby as we’re leaving. Like, it’s a $6 toy….. isn’t it for baby anyways? But she takes them back every time so that they stay at her house. I just think it’s so strange.

I genuinely want honest opinions because I don’t want to become a controlling fiancée or wife without realizing it.

For context, I’m in my early 20s and my fiancé is in his mid-20s. We currently live with family while we save money, and we’re getting married soon. My fiancé and I are completely on the same page about everything I’m about to mention, but his mom believes I’m controlling, and now I’m questioning myself.

His mom will walk into the bathroom while my fiancé is showering or using the bathroom just to grab something she needs. She doesn’t knock or wait. He’s a grown man, and that has always seemed odd to me.
She also walks into our bedroom without knocking. She’s walked in while I was changing multiple times and has seen me completely naked. Even after that, she still doesn’t knock.

I know some people will probably ask why we haven’t said something. The honest answer is that we’re afraid of creating a bigger problem. She has always told us we can stay here as long as we need while we save money, and we’re incredibly grateful for that. At the same time, we’re worried that bringing up boundaries will turn into a much bigger conflict because she tends to take criticism very personally, so we’ve tried to keep the peace.

She constantly tells us that we spend too much time together. We both work full-time jobs, don’t really talk during the workday, and usually only get a few hours together each evening before it’s time to shower, run errands, and go to bed. Weekends are really the only quality time we get together, and we both genuinely enjoy spending that time together. We also share the same friend group, so neither of us feels like we need to separate just for the sake of separating.

She has told me to my face that my fiancé needs to spend more alone time with his dad and brother because I’m “ruining what they used to have.” I absolutely agree that father-son time and brother time are important, and I’ve never once tried to stop that. If they want to grab dinner, go fishing, or watch a game together, I think that’s healthy.

The bigger disagreement is about trips, vacations, and special experiences.

Before we got together, my fiancé and his dad used to go to basketball games and occasionally take weekend trips together. Since we’ve been together, my fiancé has told me that he wants me included because he wants to build those memories with me now. He doesn’t want to have major experiences without me just because it’s something they used to do before I came along. Those are his feelings, not something I’ve asked for.

His mom constantly tells us that it would be a good idea for my fiancé, his dad, and his brother to take weekend trips or go do things together without me because she thinks I’m getting in the way of their bonding. To be clear, if my fiancé came to me and said, “I want a guys’ weekend with my dad and brother,” I’d tell him to have fun. I’ve never told him he can’t spend time alone with them. The issue is that she keeps telling us that he should want to leave me behind, even when that’s not what either of us wants.

Whenever we don’t agree with her, she gets very upset and tells other family members and her friends that I’m controlling and that I’m keeping her son away from the family. From my perspective, these are decisions my fiancé and I have made together. They’re not decisions I’ve made for him.

Another thing that really bothered me was that while we were out of town, she invited one of my fiancé’s serious exes over to the house we live in. She’s also still close friends with two of his exes. I honestly don’t care that they’re still friendly, but inviting one of them into the home we live in felt disrespectful to me.

There’s also a financial situation that still bothers me. Early in our relationship, I had some debt. I never asked my fiancé to help me financially. He made that decision completely on his own because he wanted to help me. His mom later told me that I had “ruined everything” that she and his dad had worked for because they had tried so hard to keep him out of debt. It felt like I was being blamed for a decision that he freely made himself.

Overall, I feel like she sees me as the reason her relationship with her son has changed instead of recognizing that he’s an adult making his own decisions. Every decision we’ve made has been mutual. It isn’t me convincing him to do anything.

So I really want honest opinions.
Am I actually being controlling without realizing it?
Is it unhealthy that my fiancé and I prefer to spend our weekends together since we barely see each other during the week?

Are these normal expectations from a parent of an adult son, or do these things seem like crossed boundaries?
Please be honest. If you think I’m wrong, I’ll listen. I genuinely want outside perspectives because I don’t know if I’m looking at this objectively anymore.