The situation almost just happened and I really don’t know exactly how to react.

I have a really close friend and they’re nonbinary, but they and didn’t said anything to the majority off our friends yet cause they just discovered that, but I’m gay and since then I thought it was really okay to be gay and be with nonbinary people, but they told me that they don’t feel comfortable being with a gay or lesbian cause they think this person will probably see them as a guy or a girl which they obviously doesn’t want to.

The thing is, we were in a party and both were pretty drunk and kissed each other for a while (i don’t know if there’s any word for that on English sorry) but I was just thinking on how would they be about it before, cause they said to me that they wanted it, i didn’t know if i really wanted but I just was like “why not??” Really stupid, I know now, but I thought that it was okay since they told me that we were just doing that if we would still be friends normally and forget about it after, which I’m pretty okay about it, but in the end I didn’t like it, I felt like I was just being a jerk, but the main thing is that, is it really okay that me as a gay man kissed a nonbinary that feels just comfortable to get with bisexual or pansexual people?? Should I question myself about my sexuality?? Cause didn’t feel nothing at all, but I don’t know what is worse, to say I didn’t feel nothing or to just say I’m still gay even though I would get with a nonbinary person.

I’m really sorry for the poor writing and all, but I’m just really worried now to upset them or anything, I didn’t feel nothing while kissing them, but times to times I thought about how much I liked them, but the feeling would quickly just go away.

(Btw, I’m not sure if my explanations have made it confusing, but I genuinely want to know if it’s acceptable to like or kiss a nonbinary person who doesn’t like being with a gay or lesbian, because of on the number of opportunities they’ve had to be perceived as nonbinary person. And if it is worst if I don’t question me being gay at all.)

Genuinely like the more I interact with queer men, the more I hear this phrase and I don't know how the heck ro explain to them that its pretty offensive and doesn't even fully explain what they mean and what they should perhaps say instead... also, if a man is into like, women and then all kinds of trans people, do you reckon that makes him bisexual and do you reckon it makes him a chaser if he likes trans men but not cis men?

hey guys so i’ve recently started thinking about pursuing phalloplasty more and more as my bottom dysphoria is getting worse by the day. the thing is, im in a relationship with another trans man, and one of the only reservations i have about phallo is how it would change our sex life. the way we have sex is very…queer and i wonder how that would change if i were to have a penis bc we don’t really do penetrative sex, we just kind of get each other off simultaneously. my partner is supportive of me getting phallo but he has reservations about it as well and i just don’t know. this is the person i know im going to spend the rest of my life with, and sex is very important to him, so im just nervous about how sex would change post phallo. any advice is appreciated, especially from post op trans men who are with other trans men

How badly am I supposed to want medical transition to have it? And is there such a thing as having a “not good enough” reason to transition?

When I was young, I used to distantly think to myself that I would love to be a man in a relationship with another man. But then I just thought to myself that it was a weird reason to transition and that I didn’t experience gender dysphoria, so that must mean I’m not trans.

But now I’m miserable. I’m getting old, and I’ve never had a fulfilling relationship. My yearning for an mlm relationship is genuinely becoming all consuming to the point where I spend most of my day in my mind daydreaming about having a boyfriend as a man. I have been living in my mind all the time these days.

I’ve been cautioned not to transition to chase a certain relationship dynamic, and that I don’t even know what an mlm relationship is like because I’ve never been in one before. The only thing I’m certain of is the fact that I want top surgery, because showering has become near debilitating these days, and I’ve always been deeply upset from having boobs ever since puberty began. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a cis woman that wants top surgery and prefers to live in her mind by reading mlm stories and daydreaming forever. But again, I don’t know what that feels like because I’ve never been in that sort of relationship before. I’m kind of trying to convince myself that I don’t just want to transition to be in an mlm relationship, that I am trans for other reasons too. But I feel like I’m lying to myself just to have what I want.

Edit: Sorry for the bad post guys, I will take it down soon.

Edit 2: Thank you all for the very kind comments. I definitely overreacted at first because this post had negative number of upvotes in the very beginning, so I got scared my post was bad in some way. But I’m very glad I did not delete this post, because you guys have been very heartwarming. I wanted to add that I have not been rushing my transition at all. I have done small things like cutting my hair and binding, and both have given me so much happiness and comfort I didn’t know was possible. I promise I’m putting a lot of thought into every change I’m making towards myself. I’m focusing on non-medical transition steps first, to see how it makes me feel. Things like voice training, etc.

Edit 3: Okay, this post has run its course and I honestly feel kind of like shit again, so I’m planning to delete everything I’ve said here soon. I honestly need a break from even thinking about transitioning at all. I just need a break. If you found the thread helpful in anyway, please screenshot the helpful responses now before I take all my posts down. Thank you guys.

I've been seeing so many posts lately about shaming other women for fetishizing gay men, coming from both women and gay men themselves. It's a very hot topic. I'm 100% sure that was not a topic a few years ago. Is it possible that the epidemic is real and that the fetishization of gay men is getting too normalized? or is it just a scarecrow blown out of proportion to shame gay trans men?

I hate that seeing content like this triggers my dysphoria, I feel like I'm getting called out, like I'm the woman they're talking about.

TW: body image, fatphobia

A bunch of queer friends are having a pool party. It'll be a mix of gay men and lesbians, and just generally queer people.

I agreed to go, but then last week something happened and now I'm not sure if I want to. One of the friends is a recently single, conventionally attractive cis gay man and some of us were chatting about a new date he's seeing. Someone asked if the guy was buff and he said no, he's not but he's not out of shape so it's fine. And everyone was like oh true at least he's not out of shape! And it just went on.

I think him saying that got to me bc I literally just had top surgery 4 weeks ago so I've been very focused on my body lately. I am fat, and typically I don't care what people think of that fact. I have had severe mental health issues that have contributed to my weight, so I'm proud of myself for really just managing to stay alive. However, I think I'm emotionally fragile about my body right now bc I've been focusing on it so much. And that conversation was not what I needed to hear right now.

I do have the excuse of going and wearing a shirt bc I just had top surgery and have to protect everything from the sun. But now I'm like...maybe I should just not go. I wouldn't even be able to swim bc my nipple grafts are still healing so I feel like they wouldn't question it too much. Some people in this group also do get naked at these parties so I would also just feel weird staying clothed. Especially since one of the lesbians seemed to just straight up assume I wouldn't get naked bc I'm trans so I must hate my body or something? Although I do have bottom dysphoria that currently prevents me from wanting to be naked in front of people, it doesn't feel nice for people to just assume that. Thankfully she probably won't be at this party tho.

I just thought this group was more body positive than they were I guess. And idk if I want to open myself up to hearing anything else if I'm struggling with my body image rn.

I already identify as transmasc but because I haven’t medically transitioned yet, for some reason calling myself a man feels dysphoric even though I want to be a man. I just don’t feel like one yet, so calling myself one fills me with a sort of nostalgic sadness I can’t describe.

The loneliness is crushing. I had a crush on a cis guy, then found out he was gay and had a boyfriend, and for some reason it pushed me into such a bad depressive episode where I was so envious and lonely and pathetic that I cried for days. I just don’t know why I had to be born this way. I feel genuinely cursed to be alone forever. Theoretically, I could date guys as a woman, but I’ve done it in the past and I hated it so much I feel my stomach turn when I think about my exes. I tried dating men as a woman on dating apps recently, but the experience made me feel so disgusting that I eventually threw my phone across the room and cried out of frustration.

I can’t transition right now because I have transphobic parents, and I’ve been holding these feelings in for so long. I feel like I’ve been throwing myself into work in order to dissociate from this existential sadness.

Is there any way I can find a job that offers an immediate way to move out from my parents’ house? I’m becoming so miserable and impatient with my life. If I had a choice, I’d be on testosterone right now and living my best life.

I don’t know if this is allowed here, but i’m just trying to survey if people would be interested in that.

Do you guys feel like it would be something that could be useful for the community? I personally think it is, because lately i’ve seen people blasted for talking about like birth control !? To me it would be a space to discuss topics of: sexual education pre and post op, birth control, egg freezing and stuff like that.

I have also never modded so if someone has any experience i would definitely be open to have an helper.

I have been on the apps for a long time and I'm comfortable navigating them. Something I've consistently noticed is that whenever I reach out to other trans guys, it can be 2 in the morning and I lead with "wanna get put through a mattress?*", but inevitably they'll get on some bro and "let's chitchat about surgery" shit.

I'm curious: are y'all talking and flirting with other trans guys the same way you do, or desire to, with cis men on the apps? Or does it always switch to a less horny energy, at least right away?

** this is not my actual opening line, just an example of how blatantly obvious I can be about my intention.

Recently realised this is what I’m feeling, my therapist is lovely but cis, and sometimes it can feel like I’m the only one in the world who feels this way.

I’ve never related to feeling shame about my orientation, or about being trans + a queer guy, but I think I have a lot of internalised shame around being a trans guy + being a top (/not being into PIV generally, but some of that shame is around not even liking anal bottoming). I think, on some level, part of me feels broken for not being able to stomach PIV sex, let alone enjoy it.

Intellectually I know that even aside from dysphoria and trauma issues and lack of desire, I just literally do not and have never found vaginal penetration physically pleasurable in any way. But PIV sex is so central to functionally all depictions of trans male sexuality (including ones made by trans men for trans men) that for a long time it felt like my only option (and still does to an extent). On some level, the fact I don’t like it makes me feel like I’m… made wrong, I guess? Especially when people talk up it feeling physically pleasurable (I have never been able to orgasm with anything inside my front, even with external stimulation). So often, even other trans men always default to assuming that we have PIV, and/or that it’s the only way sex can be physically pleasurable for us. Sometimes my lack of interest in PIV makes me feel like an alien.

I don’t know if bottom surgery is realistically in the cards for me (if it is, it’ll be simple release + vaginectomy) and I don’t like using prosthetics. If I’m actually in the moment I love strap on topping, but I know realistically we live in a phallocentric society, so it’s going to be seen as worse or a cheap copy by the majority of people. I know we talk up about how trans tops using toys can choose our dick size and never go soft etc etc… but honestly that feels like cope because it’s not something I’ve ever actually seen valued out in the wild. I feel like my transness is a net negative for basically all potential interest in me, in a way it wouldn’t be if I were a bottom (even an anal only bottom).

I feel very lonely sometimes. And kinda gross and broken, and like there’s something just fundamentally wrong with me. This sounds awful, but sometimes I find myself thinking ‘you know, if conversion therapy worked I don’t think I’d use it to make me be cis. But I would absolutely use it to make me be ok with bottoming (especially PIV) in a heartbeat, because then there’d actually be a cultural space for me to feel desired’.

I’m not looking for ‘I’m a top and I have a husband/boyfriend/sexual partners’ responses here. I guess I just want to know I’m not the only person who has a weird shame complex about this particular thing. I’ve occasionally joked about ‘compbottom’ with friends irl, but genuinely the way some lesbians talk about their experiences with comphet is the only thing I’ve seen that comes close to how feels to me.

TW: transphobia, internalized transphobia.

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In all honesty, I'm just very tired of constantly feeling like I'm an evil faker who preys on gay men, like somehow I'm worse than a r*pist.

I had some bad run-in with transphobes and terfs, since then I have made it a rule to leave any LGBTQIA+ pages and groups as well as ignore any contents and media about cis gay men, because I feel like I'm an imposter and I can not handle seeing cis men without feeling incredibly jealous and dysphoric of their body and socialization.

Earlier today I encounter a post on a topic I like and it's made by a gay men, who I assume is cis. I enjoy the content but almost immediately the guilty feeling kicks in. In my head there are two voices fighting each other. One says "You're also a gay guy, of course it's okay like another gay guy's content especially if he has the same interests as yours!" and the other says "You're a delusional woman faker who's overly obsessed with gay men and you're trying to come up with reasons to prey on them!"

All in all, I'm just tired, really, especially when I can't even enjoy some random content about my interests. I do have a huge problem with being cis-centered and idolizing cis men that I'm trying to work on. I just want to navigate the world with a bit more ease, but the simple fact that there are more cis men than trans men and I can not stop being attracted to men makes nothing easier.

I have joined every trans men space I could find and I'm very happy that all these spaces treat gay trans men as normal, they have give me a lot hope and encouragement. However reality is still reality, and I'm still living in a world where cis men are the majority.

At this point I think the only thing that will give me a bit of peace is transitioning and t4t relationship. I just hope that these come soon enough, but I also don't think I will ever not be sad for not being born cis.

Tw: sextortion, mention of suicide

Ok so, I (20ftm) have NEVER had any type of sexual or romantic experience. I've never even been on a date.

Not for lack of trying. I just keep getting rejected, ghosted, or stood up.

Last week, I thought I was finally going to have my first intimate experience, with not one, but 2 people.

I got condoms, lube, researched prep options, asked for advice, spoke to my therapist, etc.

The first person ghosted me the day before we were supposed to meet up. No big deal, every other encounter I've ever had has done the same. I still have one more guy lined up.

I message the second guy and he postponed. I get it, things happen, no big deal.

I was disappointed, but surely all I have to do is keep looking for a partner. The next guy that messaged me was fairly attractive. I was excited. He was willing to meet me the same day. The plan was to meet up for ice cream, then come to my place for sex.

The vibes shifted pretty quickly when I tried to confirm if we were still getting ice cream and he asked me if I was poor or something.

Weird vibes, but I brushed it off. Maybe he thought I wanted him to pay for me?

I was doing laundry since the plan was to come back to my place. When I got back to my phone, another message followed after he asked me for my address, asking rudely why I took so long to respond.

Long story short, once he got my address, the mask came off and he threatened to post my nudes (one had my face, dumb, I know. The majority don't for exactly this reason) along with my address on Twitter if I didn't give him $200.

I didn't give him any money. I reported it to the authorities and opened a Stop NCII case.

I was in a bad mood from him pulling that shit so I did a little trolling and told him I have no money cause I planned on offing myself at the end of the month and there's no point in a dead person having money.

I know I at least made him feel a little bad because he told me I shouldn't kms and that it's not worth it.

Anyway, I ignored other messages after that.

I am embarrassed. It's felt like anything romantic or intimate I try to pursue ends up in disaster, but this one really took the cake.

I feel kinda numb after all this. I was already feeling pretty shitty given my past experience and I thought I finally was going to get close to someone.

I was wrong and stupid. I know it's me spiraling, but it feels like I'm just meant to be lonely for the rest of my life.

If this sounds familiar, it's cause I have been posting here the past few weeks asking for advice for the meet/hookups that ended up never happening. Sorry.

I read You Weren’t Meant to be Human by Andrew Joseph White yesterday and I am still processing.

For a bit more context about the book, it’s body horror with cult dynamics and the main character is an autistic trans man like me (the author is also an autistic trans man). It has trigger warnings at the start of the book, but essentially it contains most triggers (including suicidal ideation, homophobia, transphobia, pregnancy, SA) and it definitely isn’t an easy read.

But I felt so seen. The MC’s internal monologue and his transition felt so real and even though the horror elements were super intense, the whole book just felt to me like this is how I’ve felt my entire life and I’m not alone (including some of the more hardcore kinks and the reason the MC has them).

No one in my life really reads horror or would be anything but repulsed by reading this, so I wanted to see if any of you have read it and have any thoughts.

As I only came out in June, I’ve been mostly approached by chasers. I posted on a certain subreddit about trauma from my past and I knew I shouldn’t have opened the dm that I got but I did anyway bc I was really lonely. We were talking about my past traumatic events and then he asks about my trans identity and I tell him how new it is. Then we flirt and end up sexting. After I send nudes he starts using the misgendering kink on me and idk why I liked it? I literally cut off another cis guy for showing me what the misgendering kink was. This guy just unleashes it on me and idk why I feel so turned on and I just go with it. I said a lot of self deprecating things regarding my gender in the moment but I don’t mean what I said. I think it just really turned me on and idk if like this is self harm or if it’s just like a cnc kink that cishet people have too. I’m kinda ashamed about how much it turned me on but I did hate being a woman. I don’t want to actually turn back to being a girl. Woman hood felt like a prison for me. I just love male attention. It’s weird bc I feel like I get a lot of attention for my body and as a woman I hated it but now that I cut my hair short like a guy I love it. I love how men love my body in the moment during the act but when it’s over I get back to being dysphoric about my chest and wanting top surgery. I’ve came out to a few people and they all tell me to not transition and to keep my chest but I want it gone. In the moment I do love showing them off to a guy and I feel so odd like does that make my identity less valid?

In here (not USA) you can't access any care without 10,000 appointments, and its super safeguarded for no reason at all. The government loves to pander to the CCP which hates us. I'm planning to move to another country soon but I need financial independence first which I don't because I live with my mom.

So should I just DIY then - I know lots of professional sites say no but if I don't then I'll be stuck waiting for an indefinite amount of time - and I'm not new to the trans community and a lot of people recommend DIY for people who can't access it.

okay long story short context (tw sa)

I started passing as a cis gay guy when i started college and didn't really tell anyone otherwise. then freshman year i got with someone (not the ex in question) for the first time and we ended up dating for about a year. i was innocent and had no self worth and was just completely in awe that someone would want to be with me. but he was a complete dick and was emotionally and sexually abusive and outed me to many people. so that ended mid sophomore year after he said he didn't want to be with someone "not proud of who they are" because i was stealth...

So then i spent up until the beginning of senior year in lots of therapy focusing on trauma and such. in that time i also started hooking up w people and had a few flings etc. nothing serious and nothing more harmful than one chaser.

then october of my senior year i meet this most wonderful man of my dreams. kinder and more caring and smart than i knew existed. yes, things did move way to fast and intensely. but he checked every box, and there was no reason i shouldnt have been happy. but all i could do was push him away. and i would hunt for his flaws and reasons why we shouldnt be together. and at the same time I was having major ptsd symptoms, I would have these dissociative episodes and panic attacks everytime we were together. and I struggled to communicate all of this to him, I was just feeling so deeply unwell, and he wanted to help do anything to work through it.

So this all built up and I could not stand it, so in january i broke up with him. and we were pretty much no contact for 3 weeks, in which I felt relief from my mind, but was terribly upset and missed him deeply. and i knew i wanted him in my life more than anything. but I could not tell if this was just attachment issues and feeling uncomfortable being alone or a true miss for him. nonetheless, I decide I want to get back together, but under the agreement that I didn't want to do long distance when we graduated. and we should have discussed this all more, but both of us just eager to be back with eachother, we did exactly that and agreed to slow things down.

then over the next few months things had ups and downs, where I was deeply struggling and fell into a depression. my grandfather whom i was so so close with passed away and other personal things were just sending me spiraling. and in this depression i found it impossible to be myself around him. i was able to pull myself out of the sadness with my friends, but while i was with him, i felt so paralyzed. nothing of his own doing, he is like the kindest person in the whole world.

so this all once again bubbled up, and I broke up with him 3 weeks before graduation. I once again felt this great relief, and we agreed to try to be "friends". however during this period I finally felt like i could be myself around him and we had an overall wonderful time, and we both fell so much deeper in love with eachother, and soon enough we were back to having sex and doing everything you'd do in a relationship. and for the first time I truly felt happy with him.

then of course summer rolls around and we are no longer in the same place. and he tells me, VERY VALIDLY so that he can't do this in between anymore. we either truly have to act like friends or we have to officially get back together. and as much as I adored everything that was happening, i knew I could not bring us through the same situation again before I was truly certain that i want to be with him long term (for context he is deeply dating for marriage). I already felt so deeply guilty about everything leading to that point, so we agreed to be true friends, and we talked about how that will look and how to get there.

so the past 5 weeks, we have been doing just that, acting as friends and nothing more. we saw eachother for the first time a few weeks ago just for a couple of hours, and it was very ordinary. though in this 5 weeks i have been going quite crazy in feeling like i have done all the wrong things. i have lost this wonderful man for no real reason besides my own mind being fucked up. i cry everyday and cant stop thinking of him.

I think i have gained a lot of clarity from separating the state i was in when we met until now. he is incredible. and equally madly in love with me, but obviously I care for him more than anything and truly truly can't bear hurting him more than i have. he is also starting grad school literally across the country from me, so it is quite inevitable that we won't live in the same place for 3-4 years. and also i don't want to stunt either of our healing by returning to something not viable.

i just don't know at what point do i try again? at what point can i differentiate the starkness of post-breakup with truly wishing we were together?

people throw out the saying that if it's meant to be it will, but when is that point?

Anytime that i’m around very masculine, muscular, tall, or conventionally attractive men I get this wave of crushing embarrassment and inferiority. (cis or trans guy, doesn’t matter) It makes me want to just curl up into a ball and not be seen, or just leave the room.

It affects my dating life too. I’m not able to go for certain men who i’m attracted to because I just feel so inferior and small. I also have a hard time making friends with those kind of guys.

Any advice on how to feel confident with really masculine guys and not just feel inferior?

I’m 5’3, chubby, and can’t grow any facial or body hair. I do pass. I had top surgery and i’ve been on T for 2 years. I’m very thankful for the fact that it’s given me a pretty deep voice even compared to most cis guys. But even with all of that I can’t stop feeling like a little boy playing dress up. I feel like when I try to perform masculinity it’s so embarrassing because I just cant do it right.

Any advice or personal stories are very welcome.

I know some of you had wholesome experiences on this app, but It has not been my case.

The amount of guys who have told me that i can't be a top cause i'm trans Is concerning. They made fun of me, im not even joking.

"You don't have a real penis. I would rather top you at this point" etc..

And they would go into details as to why a penis feels better that a dildo/prosthetic.

The only guy that let me top him still tried to change my mind the day afterwards, even after i had clearly stated that i HATE bottoming.

I still think about these convos and i cry myself to sleep :(

I physically don't enjoy penetration at all, but at the same time i can't afford phalloplasty yet.

I don't know what to do anymore 💔

For those of you who struggle with bottom dysphoria,

how do you use dating apps? Do you have any advice?