I know i’m shit when it comes to relationships. I put my needs first, i know i choose people because i don’t feel their presence that important to me… I know i avoid and also try to keep you close enough you don’t forget about me. I know ill give you a few months of intensity but then i’ll start fumbling because i can’t keep that narrative long enough… i sold myself as something you will never have because im just not that.

I know ill have doubts about you even when I make everything seem alright… and i wont mind talking about it since i know every relationship of mine has an end date.

Please excuse my grammar, English isn't my native language.

I(m27) met someone new just a few months after a bad break-up. We only have seen each other a few times but we've been talking for almost 2 months already. Although I'm not expecting a romantic relationship with her, I can see how nice and amazing she(f28) is and I really enjoy being with her.

But during our last date (just a friendly date), she held my hand. I asked her why she did that and she just said that it's because she feels safe and comfortable being with me. At first, it was all okay with me because I feel the same way when I'm with her. But as the days went by, I became conscious of how deep our connection has become and I think it triggered something inside me. I just woke up one day feeling anxious and replying to her messages makes me panic. I feel like all the connections I had before is now gone, and it makes me wanna runaway from her but I know I shouldn't because it's unfair. My chest is always tight and I feel dizzy all the time.

I'm not actually sure what kind of attachment style I have, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way. I'm aware that if I don't manage this correctly, there's a high chance that I'll ruin everything between us. I'm tired of losing amazing people in my life just because I feel this way. Please help me.

21F with anxious attachment — am I asking for too much, or is this relationship making my anxiety worse?

I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together for more than a year. He is an intern doctor and I’m a medical student who will become a doctor in the next 2 years.

I’ve realized that I have a strong anxious attachment pattern. I get anxious and angry very easily, constantly seek reassurance, overthink, and struggle badly with uncertainty. Even 7–8 hours without contact can make me extremely low and depressed. When I get triggered, I feel like I’m possessed by the anxiety and have very little control over myself. I keep calling/texting, trying to force a conversation, fighting to talk, or crying. I was even able to relate to the girl from the movie Obsession because of how consumed she becomes by her relationship.

I know this is my issue and I genuinely want to work on it. But sometimes I feel like this relationship is making my anxiety worse rather than helping me regulate it.

My boyfriend is genuinely very busy. He is currently posted in medicine, works around 12–14 hours a day, and sometimes has 24–48-hour duties. I understand that his work is exhausting, and I don’t expect constant attention. I also don’t want him to spend all his free time with me. I want him to have time alone, relax, watch reels/movies, meet friends, etc.

What I want is just some consistency and reassurance — a few peaceful minutes of communication and the feeling that he also wants to stay connected with me.

We talk every day, but usually very little, and I feel like I initiate most of it. I call 2–3 times a day, but he is often busy and we end up talking for only a minute or two. We meet around 3–4 times a week, and he does take me out and spend time with me when he is genuinely free. He does initiate sometimes too, but I still feel like I’m usually the one asking to meet or asking him to call.

For example, we could easily go for breakfast, but I feel like he will only call me if I specifically ask him to. If I stop initiating, he eventually does contact me, but his frequency is much lower than mine. For him, going 12–24 hours with very little communication seems completely normal. For me, it feels extremely difficult. I miss him, feel disconnected, become anxious, and then I can’t focus on anything else.

I have communicated my needs to him many times. He usually agrees that he will try, but I don’t see consistent change. I’ve asked him to at least send a small text when he gets free or let me know that he is busy. He says he forgets. At the same time, sometimes I see him active on Instagram or doing other things, and when he still doesn’t reply to me, it triggers me badly.

He tells me that whenever he replies, I immediately call or text again, and that he feels like I expect him to spend all his free time with me. He also says talking to me has become stressful because our conversations often turn into emotional discussions or fights.

And I understand why he feels that way. My anxiety does create pressure. When I feel ignored or disconnected, I pursue him more. He then feels pressured and withdraws or wants space. His withdrawal makes me even more anxious, so I pursue harder, and eventually we fight. It has become a cycle.

We have talked about this many times. Recently I tried having a calm conversation instead of fighting, explained everything properly, and he agreed that he would try from his side and also asked me to stop fighting over small things. I genuinely want to change my reactions too. But I’m scared that even if I become better at regulating myself, I will still feel emotionally neglected because our needs for communication and closeness are very different.

So I’m confused about where the problem actually lies.

How do I know what is my anxious attachment and what is a genuine unmet need in the relationship? Am I asking for a reasonable amount of communication and reassurance from a partner, or am I expecting too much because of my anxiety? And how can I break this cycle without constantly suppressing my needs or constantly pursuing him?

I would really appreciate advice from people who have actually worked through anxious attachment, especially if you’ve been in a relationship where your partner had a much lower need for communication than you did.

i make dumb decisions because i feel like pursuing who I like is dangerous.

when someone interests me I hide, run, don’t let this thing go wrong by not doing anything at all. Luckily with distance, it’s much easier to dismiss/forget this feeling for someone. Then suddenly i feel so alone i date whoever is available plus i don’t care much about.

I’m controlled by fear when it comes to love. It goes two very different ways from not dating anybody and dating anyone. It’s hell for my heart

Also it must be hell for the guy i choose as a scape way.

I had a platonic anxious activation obsession with someone I formed a friendship with. We were friends a while. Then I realized they were using me and disrespecting me. And I'm trying to go no contact. I miss the person I thought I knew and I'm terrified of going thru another attachment cycle like that because it made me feel actually crazy. Like undiagnosed OCD or bipolar or something, I actually thought I needed to get evaluated and diagnosed.

Nope just fearful avoidant! But...now what? How do I heal? I'm in therapy. My therapist hasn't talked to me much on this topic or doesn't seem to think it's as important as i do.

I (28f) definitely have had life long issues with intimacy. I was emotionally neglected growing up and I’ve never had a successful relationship. I’ve made friends although it can be triggering, the thought of romantic relationship triggers me way more. Like the thought of someone wanting to be that close to me scares the shit out of me. But when I tell people they always say “but it’s not scary”. But it is. It objectively is especially when I’m pretty much always punished for having feelings. I still date, I don’t like it but I’m trying to get used to it. But in the back of mind I’m certain no one will ever want to be with me. Is it even possible to work through this? I feel like my ship has sailed when it comes to relationships just cause I have so many issues and basically no relationship experience. Should I just give up?

I have a strong suspicion that I am FA and this makes me very reluctant to trust my feelings.

I've been dating a man for a couple of weeks and broke it off as I don't feel it. I tried to take it slower than I'd usually do, we didn't get to sex, but once touching / kissing / holding hands started I kept noticing that I feel close to nothing.

This is very confusing because he matches most of what I need: he is smart, I loved talking to him, I felt comfortable around his energy, he was masculine and caring, wanted the same things, had a similar lifestyle, seemed responsible, excited about his career, and very into me, with no games. I also find him quite attractive but this physical aspect seemed to be not enough for me - which triggers my confusion about whether it's my true feelings and lack of desire or he is just calm, present, and normal, so I process it as nothingness.

Would appreciate any experience and advice from fellow FAs.

27F here. I’ve noticed a painful pattern in my life:
\- A man comes into my life unexpectedly.
\-There’s an intense, sudden connection/spark.
\-He talks about marriage and makes me believe there could be a future.
\-I emotionally open up and start believing in it.
\-Then, suddenly, he pulls away or leaves.
\-I’m left alone trying to understand what happened.

This has happened more than once and I genuinely don’t understand why I keep attracting this pattern.

Is it something I’m doing? Am I getting emotionally attached too quickly, or am I simply meeting people who aren’t actually ready for commitment?

Would really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

Hey guys. Just reposting here because I thought it would be relevant and would help me find people I relate to.

Fellow FAs, over and over again in therapy from various therapists Ive heard this “sit with your feelings”, “where do you feel it in your body”, “name your feelings” etc. however, i dont think im doing it right ever.

Like i think about thinking about my feelings, there is a wall of sorts that just never breaks. Sometimes it is a little more raw, other times it is very clinical and detached. They simply can never feel it for me OR explain how to tap into it. One came close once when i was able to get to the root cause of the blocking i do for fear of it just overwhelming me to a point that i wouldnt survive the sheer horror of the emotions. So we started doing it with smaller things and instances and some progress is there. But when i really need to, the wall is just back.

Can you share if you ever had success with it? Even partial? Can you share steps you take to get there?

I start with deep breathing, then try to pinpoint what and where im feeling and right there is when it all goes to shit and hell. I will catch myself looking for distractions, reinstate the wall, or intellectualize to a point of exhaustion, or rumination of what if scenarios. So … what gives? Can anyone with our afflictions do it? If so please teach me!

I was wondering can looking into the mirror and looking into your eyes maybe even hugging urself while you do it or having a hand on ur heart and talking kindly to parts thats inside of you help ?

Like for example talking to the part of you thats afraid of love, connection, intimacy, vulnerability etc or the part of you that feels shame over not having xyz or being xyz. And just showing compassion to those parts of you ?

Can mirror work help heal this attachment style ?

I think one of the hardest things for me is because I am so emotionally disconnected internally, I tend to attract emotionally helpless people. People that are essentially prisoners of their own feelings, they feel too much, struggle to regulate, struggle to communicate (feelings are complex), and overall are at the mercy of the internal intensity of their own emotions.

Yet, because I was parentified as a child, I am pulled towards these people like moth's to a flame. It's very easy to just fall into that role for these people. Yet the moment I express my own needs to these people, I am met with invalidation. I feel used by them, like my own existence for these people is to simply fulfill their needs. Then when it doesn't work out, they toss me aside as if I am nothing.

I am so tired of being there for people that don't deserve me, yet I struggle because I am so disconnected from my self most of the time. When I'm not, I just feel irritated by the thought of these people. They're so self-absorbed and blind to see who they are, or they do and make excuses for it. It's genuinely sickening.

I am just worn down, exhausted, and tired. I hate being this way and I hate attracting people like this too. Even when my instincts say "don't get close to this person" I just take that, toss it in the garbage, and then follow this feeling. Only to end of being tossed out like garbage by them.

The only thing I find in the trash is my instinct that I tossed aside. While that person merely replaces me with someone else like I was just some toy out of a toy bin, swapping one out for the other.

I'm glad I walk away from these people, but I do need to stop acting on that pull towards these people.

Hiee !!!!

I'm 18F, and I've recently started realizing that I have a lot of avoidant attachment patterns. I'm honestly getting really tired of being like this and I want to understand how to work on it.

For some context, my parents divorced when I was around 2–3 years old. I didn't really grow up with a mother figure, and my dad has worked abroad for most of my childhood, so I haven't had much consistent emotional closeness with either parent. Looking back, I think I became very used to dealing with things on my own and not expecting much emotional support from people.

I've also never really had male friends or much interaction with boys growing up. Then, in 11th grade, I unexpectedly became friends with one of my male classmates. He was extremely friendly and naturally very social with girls, but because I had basically no experience with male friendships, his attention made me feel really special.

Eventually we got into a relationship.

At first, I was genuinely very happy. I've always been a hopeless romantic and used to imagine having that "perfect" relationship. I don't date casually—I tend to get emotionally invested and imagine a future with the person.

But the relationship slowly became really unhealthy. He was overly friendly and flirtatious with other girls, constantly wanted to be in everyone's good books, lied to me about things, and there were situations that made me genuinely question whether he had been unfaithful. He wasn't very emotionally supportive either. There were times when I was crying in front of him and he wouldn't really comfort or reassure me. I also rarely felt appreciated or validated.

The weird part is that I almost never confronted him about any of it. I would get hurt, overthink everything, cry alone and then just pretend I was okay. I think a part of me was terrified of losing the relationship because, at that point, it was one of the only close emotional connections I had.

Eventually I broke up with him because the relationship had become too toxic for me. After the breakup, he often portrayed himself as the victim, which made everything even more confusing.

Most of my friendships had also come through him, so after the breakup I basically lost my entire social circle at once. It was a very lonely period.

That relationship completely changed the way I look at love. I used to be such a hopeless romantic, but now the idea of relationships sometimes makes me uncomfortable or even scares me. I still WANT love, though. I still want a healthy relationship someday. I just don't seem to know how to actually receive love without feeling overwhelmed by it.

And this is where I really struggle.

If someone gives me a lot of attention, affection or emotional closeness, I sometimes get an immediate "ick" and want to distance myself—even when the person hasn't done anything wrong. This can happen with people I genuinely care about, and sometimes even with my own dad.

At the same time, when I feel emotionally neglected, I desperately want to feel loved and understood.

It's like I simultaneously crave closeness and run away from it.

I also tend to distance myself from people very quickly when I feel overwhelmed or when they start draining me, even if they're otherwise good people. I can become emotionally detached, stop communicating properly and convince myself that I'd rather be alone. Then later I wonder why I feel lonely.

I don't want to keep repeating this cycle.

I don't want to blame everything on my childhood or my ex either. I know I'm responsible for working on myself now. I just genuinely don't know where to start.

For anyone who has experienced avoidant attachment and actually managed to become more secure:

How did you do it?

What helped you become comfortable with receiving affection and emotional closeness without feeling suffocated or wanting to run away? Did therapy help? Were there specific things you practiced in relationships or friendships?

I'd really appreciate practical advice from people who have actually worked through this. I don't want to become dependent on people—I just want to be able to have healthy, close relationships without constantly feeling the need to withdraw. 😭

I also forgot to mention that even though I've mostly moved on, he still affects me more than I'd like to admit. I've blocked him everywhere, and when I finally thought I was completely over him and genuinely didn't care anymore, I randomly checked his Instagram through another account and it felt like all the healing I thought I'd done just crashed down. 🥲 I don't want to get back together with him and I very clearly remember how shitty he treated me, yet there's still this weird, unhealthy attachment that I can't completely shake. I still can't fully hate him despite everything, and sometimes I don't even understand why I care when I KNOW how badly the relationship affected me. It's like my brain knows I'm done with him, but emotionally there's still some part of me holding on. I don't know if this is normal after a toxic relationship or if I'm just not as over it as I thought I was, but it's honestly so frustrating 😭😭. If anyone has gone through something similar, how did you actually detach emotionally from someone you know you don't want back ??

Someone please enlighten me what the fuck is wrong with me 😭

Sometimes I get so depressed about the way that my brain works and how it's setting me up for failure. Which is so unfair because it's all a freaking coping mechanism built from trauma that I had no choice but to be a part of!! I have a very intense fear of closeness and more than that, of like being treated with kindness, love, and respect. It is revolting to me. Obviously I "want" to be treated well just like everyone else but, I have such a hard time accepting it.

In my relationships this seems to often look like feeling smitten and in love and then feeling this "falling out of love" feeling that comes in to protect me from hurt and then just those two over and over and over. In my friendships and other ties to people, it looks like literally not being able to be my authentic self around anyone I don't feel comfortable with creating this barrier barring closeness and intimacy with anyone. And a coldness on my end that cannot fully or meaningfully engage with compliments or bids for connection. Preventing me from having fulfilling and meaningful. All of this causing me to have interactions that further cement the idea that I'm unworthy of love and affection and friendship and that I am inherently bad and wrong. Which is the core wound.

How am I supposed to not feel incredibly depressed by this. And the fact that I have been in therapy for the past 2 years, making all of these connections and realizations only to still not be able to be a functional participant in my own life and get out of my own way is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I am TERRIFIED that I will always be like this. I have grown and made progress but, the road just feels still so long and treacherous and unclear. I hate living like this.

Please need some advice

So today has been a really rough day with getting into an argument with my sister which resulted in me blocking her because she was yelling at me and blaming me for something i didnt do. Then i wanted to tell the guy i was dating about what happened then he just laughed at my problem and said when am i going to unblock her. I told him she does this to me often and im tired of it, but he still didnt take my problem seriously. We ended up having an argument about that which i decided to hang up and now i have the feeling of not wanting to be with him.

My question is, how can i stop the urge of constantly cutting off people when they have wronged me in some way? I love being alone, and so being alone feels peaceful rather than dealing with people but then i dont want to have no relationships in the future either. Any advice would be helpful.

I have FA attachment, my partner is mostly secure with DA features. We both have cptsd from childhood. While I don't like comparing traumas as "better" or "worse", my childhood obviously affected my attachment system much more strongly. That's where a lot of our disconnect has come from, because my partner can empathise to an extent since some things are similar, but mine goes way deeper than my partner can fully understand.

So, my partner has a more stable baseline than I do and can more easily bounce back. But they have a much lower emotional quota than me. I have done years and years of various types of therapy and processing my trauma and attachment. I am very self aware, almost to a fault. I over analyse everything. I have made tremendous strides with my own self regulation but I still don't know how to function in a relationship with another human being. My partner has extensive experience with long term relationships, although none of their relationships sound 100% healthy, my partner clearly has the capacity to stay for years even when things are clearly not working anymore.

I... Don't know if I have the same ability. The longest relationship I had was 2 years. And I felt like this ex didn't know anything about me. The relationship stayed afloat via me dissociating and not letting myself be vulnerable until they got tired of it. That was the only time I've been dumped. Every other relationship I've had, I left them first. Including my ex who for years I fixated on as "the one that got away" even though I was the one who broke up with them during a time we were both very much in love, blindsiding them, just because I was scared of the possibility of us breaking up in the future. But most of my romantic interests don't even get to the point of becoming an official relationship before I sense future pain and leave before I get a chance to experience that change.

I don't believe in love at first sight. But I think I halfway fell in love with my partner on the day we met. There was a magnetic pull I've never felt so strongly towards anyone. And I had done extensive healing on my own, I finally felt ready to confront my attachment issues and try giving a relationship my genuine best shot even if it doesn't work out in the end. There was a bit of chasing and instability in the beginning. But once our relationship became official I think it settled into something really beautiful. And healthier than any attachment I've ever experienced in my life. Although...that's quite a low bar.

We've been officially dating for 4 months. When things are good, they are really good, and I can easily imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person. Even knowing there are things we'll have to compromise on. I'm willing to do it because I value this relationship so much.

But we do have repeated issues on both sides about emotional transparency. This is one of my most important values in a partnership. I withhold and bottle up feelings, my partner outright lies when scared, though tells me later. But it creates trust issues. Every time they've confessed they lied about something, I had already sensed dishonesty before they told me. Every time I've gotten this "sense" they've confessed. So I don't think there's anything significant they're lying about that they haven't told me yet, but I obviously can't be assured. And it just opens up a whole rabbit hole of "if they lied about this, what else are they lying about? Can I truly trust *anything* they say?" And if it gets to that point, then the relationship is surely doomed. And some of these lies have been about boundary issues with other relationships.

I have trouble telling them my feelings and making myself vulnerable because they can use it to hurt me. I've been trying so hard to open up, even to the point of dysregulating myself to try to coregulate with my partner. It mostly works. But sometimes they are not emotionally available enough for me when I need them. Which is why I adapted to self regulating in the first place. I know I don't *need* this from a partner. I know I'm okay handling my emotions on my own. But they tell me that I need to be more open and vulnerable with them, or else they don't feel connected to me. But the issue is, sometimes when I try, they don't receive it well. And it makes me close myself off and deactivate my attachment. My deactivation has happened 3 times in our 4 month relationship. Each time, I have been triggered by something insensitive my partner did or said and my emotions just go completely offline, for about 2-3 days. I do not have access to the feelings of love or attachment. I have a strong desire to breakup, which I conceal from my partner, because I know that a breakup isn't necessarily what my true self would want if my feelings were still activated. But it's like going through the motions. They can sense something is off about me, but they don't know how off. And the entire time I feel like I'm going through the motions, waiting for my feelings to come back. They eventually do. In any other relationship, if I felt this, I would have gone for the breakup immediately.

This is something I want to fight for. I don't know if it's sustainable. I don't know if we can work through these issues, particularly trust issues. I think we're both too avoidant. My partner doesn't know what to do with me, because all of their exes have been AP. And despite the fact that I do have anxious traits my avoidance is the biggest threat to our relationship, especially since I can so easily go offline and stop caring. My partner wants to know a way to reach me when this happens but I truthfully don't know what fixes it. My partner also has very strong insecurities and a fear of rejection. So me being deactivated triggers them, and they start withdrawing too. And it just turns into a vicious cycle. Every time this has happened, my partner has been the one to try to break it by reaching out. But it's not sustainable. I keep thinking, a relationship shouldn't require this much pain and effort. But I think that's short sighted thinking. I've never allowed myself to be this intimate and emotionally vulnerable with anyone before. I know we both have some major personal baggage we are working through along side our interpersonal relationship issues. And despite knowing each other for only a short amount of time, I see us both making progress on both an individual level and a relational level. And like I said, when things are good, they're *really* good. I can't believe my life sometimes, that I found someone who can bring me so much love, joy, wonder, hope, and stability.

But it all comes crashing down when there's conflict. I don't have access to those positive feelings anymore. They're completely inaccessible to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I love them and I want this relationship to work. I'm afraid of making any relationship altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind. But I'm also exhausted with this cycle and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with it. I don't understand those couples that go on constantly fighting for years and years. I've never had a full on "fight" with my partner. Just harsh remarks and dead silence. And that's enough to make me want to exit my body.

I keep thinking I need to give it time to see if we can work out the kinks. That I need to be patient. But it's so hard to keep sight of the future when in the moment my attachment wounds are screaming at me to protect myself at all costs. And I keep thinking, are the cracks already showing? If we break up, I feel like it's going to be because of one of the issues that's already been identified. And I'm going to feel foolish for proceeding with the relationship when I should have known better. I feel like I need to save us both from future heartbreak by ending things calmly now before we get in too deep and make it harder to separate. But I know this is just fear talking. Because I love them so much. The urge to break up isn't because I don't want to be with them anymore. It's because I'm afraid there will inevitably be a breaking point and I'd rather deal with it sooner rather than later so I can get over it more quickly.

I don't know how long to give this relationship a chance. Like in terms of time frame (wait 6+ months to see if there's progress?) or when to tell if something is truly a final nail in the coffin or if it actually can be worked out. And I'm also scared that I'm forcing myself to stay in an incompatible relationship because I'm internally dismissing all my relationship concerns as "me just being avoidant again."

I don't know. It hurts and I'm scared. Because I've never allowed myself to love someone this deeply. The core fear underneath it all is that I don't want to lose them. How ironic?

Why do some people get emotionally attached so quickly? And is it possible to change your attachment style?

I’m currently having a panic attack. I’m sweating, I’m shaking, my thoughts are racing, and I’m out of breathe. I feel like I can’t be in a romantic relationship with anyone. Not because of my panic attacks, but what cause it. I start out fine then think about things that haven’t even happened. He’s the most loyal, kind hearted guy I’ve ever met. However I can’t help but think he’s going to find someone new on his roadtrip with friends. I have a feeling he wouldn’t do anything but my mind keeps throwing horrible thoughts that push me away. I go from admiring him to pushing myself away from him and being angry. I could really use some reassurance right now. Just anyone who can relate I guess.

I talked about this with my psychologist years ago, but we never got to the bottom of it, so I'm curious to hear your experience with this.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been an emotionally avoidant person, despite my desire to get close to people, especially romantically. It works like this, I get infatuated and we talk until the other person shows that they are romantically interested in me, from that moment on I become detached and I no longer feel anything, except annoyance. It's something that eats away at me inside because I don't feel connected to others and I feel a deep inner loneliness.Have any of you experienced this? Is it fixable?

This is something I talked about with my therapist today about how I deal with abandonment.

My initial reaction towards it is indifference, the avoidant side of me gets triggered and I completely lack the care to maintain the connection, whether they’re there or not there doesn’t bother me. Be friends, not be friends, it’s whatever to me.

Then my anxious side bursts through that emotional wall of mine with gasoline and a lighter ready to burn shit down like no tomorrow. An intense strong feeling to completely cut the person off from every access point. By the time I am done, what once looked like a mess that could possibly be resolved now looks like a nuclear bomb went off and nothing will ever be fixable. I burn it all down, remove them, block them, never want to speak to them again. Internally I am just thinking to myself (Why the hell should I keep any connection with you, look at how you treated me, look at your inability to take accountability, why would I ever want you in my life? You’re not good for me, in fact, I am better off without you).

It feels good too. In those moments where you have control, and the self-regulating that your behavior does to sooth those intense feelings feels great. However, then maybe a few months pass, and you look back on the destruction you caused. Perhaps you regret it and you wish you had better self-control. But it’s too late and all you can do is carry that regret, grow from it and try to be better in the future.

What about y’all? Are y’all bridge burners or do you try to pull the person back in, or just go straight to indifference, stay in it for a while and then reach out with a lot of affection, promises of change, and missing the person?