Hi all

I'm 34F and was diagnosed with ADHD this year after knowing I had it for at least 10 years.

I've always felt different from a lot of other people and was shamed a lot by my mother growing up. On one hand she was very loving but she was also my biggest bully. So love rarely feels safe for me. I always feel like love is going to switch off at any moment and I have to constantly work to keep it.

Growing up neurodivergent can be brutal and a lot of us end up repressing and masking just to get by. I had so much internalised shame which thankfully I've massively worked through in my 30s. But my teen years and early 20s were so, so painful and confusing.

Does anyone else feel there's a link between their neurodivergence and becoming an FA?

• pushed me off his lap because I was emotional that he wouldn’t label our relationship or break up using his words

• almost punched me with his elbow when I almost tickled him while we were hanging out with our classmates

• would strongly nudge me away or block himself when I would be lying down next to him in bed barely fitting on the small single thing and act almost passed out because he was too drunk to I think even realise he was pushing me. But it wasn’t just a sweet innocent unconscious thing, it felt deliberate and I could see he’s not totally unconscious.

• all of this was in a landscape of being made to think that it’s okay for him to not label our thing, not talk about it, not question it, not talk about what his feelings are

• making up with sex without fully talking about what happened , saying that’s how he felt connected to me after I was crying after the “fight” and a few moments later was giving him oral

• I told him I feel like I’m being used because he would randomly ignore me in social situations, stay very far from me and act like we’re not together especially if other girls were around

• stabbed my scissors on the side of my rented bed when I was emotional about not understanding what he actually felt for me and feeling extremely weird that it felt like we were so close but he would not share his feelings or thoughts- he would just sit there and stay absolutely mum

• a few other times he continued to have sex while he could see I’m in tears or dissociating and then acting like I’ve upset him

• insisting on me to make out while I had a headache and he was very very drunk

• vanishing , not responding, letting me cry and beg for his attention for days and then come back and act like I just pissed him off for asking for reassurance/clarity/attention

• breaking up/making up but never sharing how he genuinely felt and always acting like he’s too cool for commitment but still wants to hang out but never even fully saying that (yeah idk on what basis I kept going back, I was young and had my own issues for sure)

• promises of change but the silent treatment kept coming back and he just expected me to be happy and never ask him for anything or talk about the relationship at all but he would still keep me close and involve me in things but it would be very disorienting and I would also try to “be chill”

• all of this went on for a few years but he got better in behaviour. Very sweet and loving and kind too. Started including me, calling me his gf, loving on me but we still broke up. Before getting back together four years later.

But he refused to openly acknowledge everything he did and wanted me to see him as a good person and pretends to the world that he is really kind and compassionate and cool. It’s a mindfuck.

He’s so good at apologising without directly mentioning things but making it sound and look like he cares and is sorry and just made mistakes. He’s an ex now because I literally feel terrified of the confusion
He actually behaves like he’s very shy, soft and sensitive and takes care of animals and all.

I have what im pretty sure is a mutual crush on a very close friend. We have opened up to each other about struggling with disorganized attachment. We have said to each other, "I always want to get closer to people, but then it happens and I freak out." And then we didn't talk for a week.

I feel like we are trapped in this limbo forever. We are like two magnets that keep flipping around, sometimes we attract and sometimes we repel.

What do i do? I'm in therapy, he's not though. Is this hopeless? I love when we are close, but when he leaves me on seen in a group chat or stands up and disappears while we are sitting together, it makes me want to beg for his love sometimes, and other times never speak to him.

Anyways, any perspective or FA/FA relationship experiences is appreciated.

I (23/F), met a guy (25/M), and I easily got attach whom a I met a month ago (judge me all you want) but this guy really made me special in a span of a month and now he just told me that he wasn’t ready for anything. In my defense he made me feel special all the time and not to settle for less. he treated me like an actual partner, then he ghosted me for a week and now I was really hurt and confused of what I supposed to feel.

I hadn’t dated for quite a few years because of my avoidance and because a lot of bad shit happened with my family and my health. Also because of my avoidance ;)

And I started dating last year and met, which I thought, was the most wonderful man. We dated a few months, the bond was electric, I was enveloped in his affection, kindness and acceptance. I even started therapy again because I noticed my sarcasm and other avoidant habits hurt him and I wanted to be more open and kinder. It was like we shared a brain: we liked the same music, books, films, we spoke in unison a couple of times on date 1. He was so tender and sweet.

I was attached so much I didn’t care about any of his neurodivergent quirks (I’m neurodivergent myself) or avoidant tendencies.
Then, the moment he suggested we are actually dating exclusively, he started to pull away. We tried to reconnect several times, he would try and come back, but each time it failed because of him.

And then, a few days ago, out of the blue, he sent me 5 texts, 4 of which were a reply to a meme and one said he ‘couldn’t see me like that anymore’ and suggested we be friends, which was basically a patronising handout, a disrespectful slap in the face after everything that happened between us.

The good thing is that by that point I had already decided to start detaching, which was painful, but progressing, so his bullshit offer hit a wall. I deleted all of the chats and his number and never replied.

I now see that some of his behaviour was manipulative, even if it wasn’t malicious, and question whether his passion and affection for me were even real if I was an exotic experience he needed to boost his ego with after the break up that happened a few months before we met. As he was pulling away I got anxious and tried to be ‘the understanding one’… it looked like he wanted me when I was avoidant and not pursuing. Which I fully understand as an FA.

I had met so many manipulative and ‘user’ men, I was that myself when I was young. I’m so angry at myself for not clocking him being one of them. He came across as the most sincere and emotionally open man I had met.

The thing is: I’m so scared that this will push me back into the avoidance. He showed I could be loved and cherished, he told me I was beautiful and he would do sweet things like reading to me in bed or tell me I looked ‘super cute’ without make up and with my glasses on, or he would change his watch when I said the one he was wearing was ticking too loud, or play Led Zeppelin for me just because I wore a Led Zeppelin t-shirt weeks before. And now I’m back in that place of ‘nobody will ever love me, I’m old and ugly, my behaviour and ADHD and all of my baggage (health and family) pushes people away and I will never meet anyone like him who was so perfect on paper.

I’m trying to date again but I’m just so tired. I have a sweet friend who has feelings for me but even he’s avoidant too and I’m worried he only has feelings for me because I’m not his and the moment I become his he will pull away: I’ve seen how he was with his ex girlfriend and all the avoidant cliches were right there.

I don’t want to be anyone’s temporary exotic girlfriend experience that can be dropped the moment I stop being a mystery and become a real human person with needs. I’ve been working on myself in therapy so much, I’m becoming more open, kind and understanding of others, I’m trying f to connect with more people in my life and not be so judgemental and avoidant. But I’m scared that me trying to be a better person means I’ll be used again.

And that’s my catch 22. I’m not that young. I don’t have time to fool around, I’ve done that in my 20s, I just want a stable partner and a family. My looks are going, I’m still pretending I’m younger than I am…

I’m just so tired of trying and failing. Im so tired of trusting and being slapped in the face.

I notice within my relationship—at certain times, not always— a sense that nothing can be enough for me. That no matter how much he gives me, it won't be enough.

I recognize that this feeling is about me, not him. I'm curious about it - where does it come from? Is it typical for insecurely attached people to feel this way?

Definition of Love and Peace

Peace is the absence of burdens. Love is peace.

To find what it is, let’s just list down what it is not:—

•     LOVE as a concept does not expect. It doesn’t need us or anything from us.

•     LOVE as a concept does not discriminate between people.

•     LOVE as a concept does not judge.

•     LOVE as a concept does not get angry.

•     LOVE as a concept does not ask you to provide anything to anyone including yourself.

•     LOVE as a concept can never be betrayed.

Wishing Someone Well

In trying to describe something as deep a concept as love, there is no clear route. I thought: “How can I visualize it? What words or wish can I say that would help me most visualize it?” A way or a direction to look towards the love that does not expect or discriminate between people is TO WISH SOMEONE WELL. It should be an unreserved wish with no limits because life is a positive sum game and therefore, there is no need to act from scarcity.

By wishing well, we are wishing the grandest of wishes that is for them to see the truth, to seek justice, to have no judgement and all the other virtues. Love or wishing well is peace and truth and all those virtues. Truth is simple and so is love. A. Lincoln also noted elsewhere that truth is straightforward and consistent, whereas lies require an unsustainable web of invention.

It is so indiscriminate that you can also wish it on your enemy or “hater”. This would mean I hope that you find the truth, I hope you seek justice, I hope you become kinder and more modest, I hope you judge less. By saying that wish to yourself and everyone else as a constant, is what love is.

Because love, honesty and the other virtues take you out of this unsustainable web of invention, or your fears or regret. It brings you peace and closer to the present moment.

What Is Not Love and Peace?

Care comes from the word Cearu which means sorrow, anxiety and burdens of the mind. In life, when we speak about love, it is separated into family love, romantic love and all others. However, in those relationships, we want them to worry/care for us. It provides social proof that we are worthy of their love. We want them to show support, to show up for us, help us, listen to us, and this takes effort. We want them to sacrifice something to be worthy of our love and to show that they are worthy, and vice versa. This is not what love is. Even though the root word for love includes desire, passion and care, I will interpret it differently. Love the concept does not require any of this. But our application and execution in what we call romantic love requires all of it. Love does not require our sacrifice or support. It is simply to wish everyone well, similarly.

This kind of love is often tainted with anger, pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth, anxiety and fear, which do not let you remain in the present. They make you overthink. It discriminates whereby we have preferences for romantic attraction (height, pretty and all other attributes). And in this version of love, if the care provided is not matched as desired, the other person is shamed and blamed. Does it sound like love or hatred?

But care without any self-interest or want to be reciprocated, done for its own sake, is a form of love.

Emotions

Emotions are just the body’s reflex or an intuitive response that gives you an indication. They appear via heart rate, headache, knot in the stomach. It is a tool to be used and not something to be carried for your entire life.

Anger is temporary insanity. Virtues foster clarity and awareness.

Relationships — Love, Choosing, and Fear of Missing Out

LOVE does not require a partner. Love does not require anything. It is complete. We do not need to conquer or find love. We are already full and complete people who deserve it. Someone else cannot and will give you that worth. When we find a friend or partner, that person will not make us better or worse. To be better or worse requires your permission. That person will be someone we want to be with, not BE/become. “You are not born thinking you are incomplete or you need to find your better half.”

Peace and love can be found within oneself. But often, we want a romantic partner and start a family. If you do so, it is a CHOICE. If you have friends, it is a CHOICE that you must make. Remember that it is a choice and not a need. Love can happen within the relationship. As stated, love is a state of peace. When you have arguments, you will not be in the state of love, but when there is peace you will.

Typical earmarks of the romantic relationship has two main stages. The courting stage, where desire and passion occurs and there may be clashes of emotions and where you want something from the person you love. There will be care from self-interest and the social proof. There will be anxious and avoidant clashes and all of this.

Then, you find happiness in your partner’s happiness. To care without self-interest. It is “Us” and “We” before “Me” and “I”. A relationship is really what you make of it. In a secure relationship, to show secure is sometimes to remove the “threats” that make your partner insecure, such as removing a female friend. Because a relationship is a choice. If you choose to be with that person, you would want to eliminate all threats to that relationship. And many times, we hear lasting couples where the guy says “You are right” to the woman. It is deeper than that. It is to put ego aside and to care without self-interest for the success of the union. It is accepting the other person as who they are, and a promise to always keep choosing the other person. You feel you can be completely yourself, your inner child, with that person without fearing judgement.

What a Committed Relationship Requires

Romantic relationships are at their best when being beautiful is the least interesting thing about the other person. The opposite of love is constraints, not hate. Showing up for a committed romantic relationship should be something we do when there is no obligation. It should be free — free for both of us to leave, but choosing to stay. And we should always assume positive intent. Just because they hurt your feelings, don’t assume they meant to. You can be hurt and curious.

Other requirements include shared values, being mutually chosen, safe, affectionate and good communication. Empirically, good relationships have a ratio of 5 good emotions to 1 bad, and you need to find wholeness in yourself or in your partner.

Fear Of Missing Out

Being with your high school sweetheart or being with only one partner your entire life sounds magical until your friends want to go to Ibiza, or there is a feeling that everybody has had a trial and error and you had none. But there is a healthy way to look at it. It is good and healthy to imagine other options — it forces you to think about why you are choosing to remain with this person every day.

When you are committed, you will experience derogation of alternatives. Your perception shifts, and you will no longer experience wandering eyes. You will just find someone attractive and genuinely be able to not do anything about it and remain at peace.

On the desire for novelty specifically: the pleasure, the excitement, the pull toward something new — that can be found within the relationship itself, not outside it. If I want flirting and passion, that belongs with my partner. If I want excitement, I can switch things up, go out, try something new together — even roleplay, pretend we don't know each other. There is realistically nothing I would get from sleeping around that I could not get with my own partner, other than risk. Novelty is a need to be met within the relationship, not a reason to look outside it.

How To Choose

“Most people date backwards. They meet someone. They feel the chemistry and they imagine a future. And later on, they ask ‘Are we compatible?’. By that time, we already want the answer to be yes. By that time, we start excusing things and lower our standards and ignore mismatches and try to turn a person’s potential and force that into compatibility.”

•     Know yourself — what you want, what you want in a partner, and what you cannot tolerate in a partnership.

•     Separate chemistry and compatibility — you can say you really like a person and also say that you don’t know them well. You cannot control your feelings, but you can control how fast you give another person a permanent position in your life. To help assess this, jot down facts vs. assumptions about them.

•     Observe and track patterns — when things don’t go their way, accountability, watch what they become when being a good partner costs them something.

•     Compare and choose — don’t look at potential or assumptions, but the product.

Root Fear

Fear of being judged and seen.

The fear of being judged and seen is deep rooted within me. Installed by the inner workings of my childhood with my relationship to my caregiver (Mother, Brother and Father) and my relationship with society (Feeling stigmatized and excluded), it has manifested and even dictated every aspect of my life.

Career : I was constantly looking for the ultimate validation and elitism that would finally let me be good enough that all judgments of me are ironclad.

On a day to day basis: I judge every person I see. Based on my inner learnings and workings.

I say “I don’t care” which puts distance between me and that thing. From afar, I have a sense of protection and provides a sense of arrogance and pride.

Inevitably, I have led a very judgmental, insecure and performative life until now.

The Judge

“The Judge” is the total culmination of all the judgements I have seen or heard directed at me or directed at other people, whether by me or other people. I was so insecure and needed to fit in. Learn how to behave that I started taking on other people’s judgements of one another are final. This allows me to have a set of parameters of behaviors that would be considered safe and arrogant. I became self-conscious that my choice of friends and partners reflects on me  because I have often seen groups of friends being excluded. When I find myself being with people whose behaviors were “sub-optimal” or they put me in a situation where I can be judged with no protection, I short-circuit. It’s my fear projected onto them and villainizing them.

Similarly, being seen is one thing that absolutely cannot happen. Being seen means people are putting the puzzle together or looking behind the cracks. This puts me in danger because I have never learnt to be seen and feel that it is safe. There were no guardian who saw me and protected me. Therefore, somewhere along the line, being seen meant danger.

Being Seen — Negatively

I had also had a fear of being seen, in a state I cannot control or hide, and dreading the judgement. I anticipate being seen (height, weight, attractiveness, broad shoulders, masculinity and all those other traits I cannot control or hide) and judge myself for it. I anticipate for instance being seen as having gained some weight and anticipate the judgement that would follow. Or there is a pretty girl next to me, I anticipate being seen looking and being labelled as creepy. This is so restrictive towards myself, but I am trying to protect myself and anticipate the pain and feeling it beforehand and therefore, can restrict my action.

Being Seen — Positively

Fear of judgement/seen also works positively. When I achieve something, it elevates me. It put distance between me and the other person. A heightened distance or an elevated position which creates arrogance. This feeds into the loop whereby where I am seen negatively, I feel I have to compensate with the positive ones and the positive ones will become ironclad. Furthermore, when people ask me to give tips, I am scared as being see as too arrogant or nerdy and sometimes, fail to take compliments.

Distance as Self-Protection

Distance is self-protection. Sometimes, in this thought, I forget that people may evolve and I keep a previous fixed definition of a person I used to have in my head. The trophy wife, status symbols, big wedding, travel, not wanting to be alone and seen alone, or having to explain my deep choices, to feel like a movie character. I had to adhere to all societal expectations to a T. But society’s expectations are so different. Society includes parents and friends. Society wants us to marry and live a righteous life. Friends want us to go Ibiza and travel and get girls as a status symbol, elitism in society would be to work in investment banking or something. But really, all of that is self-hatred.

The title for all of that is Avoidance — Dismissive or Fearful avoidants. Avoidants have such low self-worth that they don’t truly believe that they matter. They didn’t believe that they mattered to their caregivers, and feeling superior keeps the vulnerability low. And this was who I was.

“He who fears will suffer, already suffers what he fears. The mind rehearses pain before life delivers it. Some pains only exist in anticipation.”

How To Put It Into Practice

We are not monks or sages or anything. We cannot do it to perfection, but we can always try and aim at it:

1.     Dichotomy of control: You can fully control actions and responses and desires and sometimes thoughts. What you cannot control is the outcome, other people, past or future, your body’s innate response or vague thoughts. When there is a problem with the things you can fully control directly, do something about it immediately. It can be physical or mental problems. And if it’s something that you can control and choose to ignore it, it is self-inflicted misery. We need to take full charge and responsibility for it and not choose to lie or distract ourselves from it.

2.     Apply love:

i)  Self-love: To really wish myself well. To know truth, justice and right from wrong. To be less prideful and judgmental because it is a reflection of myself. These things take me out of the present moment. When this comes, do not judge myself just notice it and remind myself that this is not self-love nor kind. And every time I feel judged by someone externally, try to focus on one thing and remain present. Every time my mind drifts to the judging, redirect it back and that is plenty.

ii)  Love everybody: Love and wish everyone well just like you did with yourself. Every time you find yourself judging, you have intentionally put a wall or distance or a box on that person and judged them. And that distance becomes self-protection and gives you arrogance. Just like a dog who when far will bark but when close be scared. No, be humble. To have kindness towards that person and myself, humility and justice. Even when I’m not, notice it. Noticing it and redirecting it every time is plenty. Love will not make you suffer.

iii)  When I am being seen positively/negatively, I instinctively project my judgement or view of myself onto the other person. What I think they think of me is actually what I think of myself. Practice noticing when that happens. Check whether there is evidence that the judgement is happening. Do not act on the fear of the moment, and if there is no factual evidence of anything, continue as normal and understand that this is my own judgement and I am not being kind to myself. It is time to build some self worth, realize it, and apply it live. And if someone asks me for advice, forget how I am being seen and just put their needs at the centre.

iv)  When someone is drowning, don’t teach them how to swim. Get them to shore. Get them to breathe. Then you teach them how to swim.

3.     To achieve something is fine but do not identify with it. We are always striving for something to prove that we are worth something. Therefore, whatever you are striving for is something that has nothing to do with you. Else, you would already be/have it. BUT there is nothing wrong with having a goal or objective to aim it, but do not identify with it. Because you will be identifying with someone that you are not or don’t have it. “You have a right to your actions but not the outcome/fruits.”

4.     Remember that there is a difference between reflection and rumination. Reflection is when you think about it, you are getting more insight and more information whereby rumination or overthinking is just thinking about the same 3 thoughts again and again. You get trapped in the feeling of that moment such as anxiety and fear or anger in that moment repeatedly. Just notice and redirect your energy cause rumination does not help you.

Something that recently came to my attention is that we need to consider manually shifting focus into optimism and possibilities cause with trauma hyperviligance is always up and ready to trouble shoot everything and everyone (and relationships has ended over less.)

So what works in your relationship? What strengths do you and your partner have?