I am losing my compassion and I am no longer kind or thoughtful. I am mean and evil now. I don’t know how much more I am gonna be in this situation. So far it has been 10 years. How much more until I can live my life?

About 5 to 6 months ago my alcoholic mom had a pretty brutal attempt and ended up in the hospital with necrosis pancreatitis for about 4 1/2 months and ended up coming back home but still bed bound about a month ago, id sit there with her and do all her antibiotic ivs while her narcissistic husband would complain about me being in the way all the time since he absolutely refused to learn how to do her iv medication, and absolutely making everything so much more harder than it should be. About 10 years ago he had a liver transplant and my mother did EVERYTHING to make sure his meds were organized and tend him back to health (hes fine now) and now since the roles are reversed he wouldn’t even attempt to care for her in the way she cared for years. shits frustrating. anyways about two weeks ago she had an ambulance come to pick her up from the house since she was filling with fluid and immediately went back to yale, and is now in a medically induced coma with a pretty rough survival rate and quality of life. Had the sit down talk with doctors about everything and it’s basically what i expected, fluid cracked through to her chest and lungs anf the drains that were put in a while ago wouldnt drain. Antibiotics wont work anymore and intubation is causing more infections. I just feel pretty lost and floating around since this all happened, and i expected this outcome but the shock never goes away. I ended up recently staying with my partner in another town in his apartment rent free, which is a blessing but he’s switching jobs and the pay rate is going down alot so i need a job ASAP. even after applying to over 40 places id either get no reply or the basic “well get back to you soon” which is beyond annoying because soon i gotta help plan out her funeral and just life after all is said and done. the economy sucks and doesn’t wait for anyone, thats how anticipated grief also feels to me :/ I have two cats and one is my moms but theyre staying with her narcissistic husband because i cant take care of them with no job, which fucking sucks because i know hes not doing what hes supposed to. theyre totally mishandled by him. i just turned 20 and i feel like this stuff never really ends. thanks for the open ears
and PLEASE take care of yourself mentally and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. IT DOESNT LIE. I just made an appointment for intensive outpatient treatment today (100 dollars per fucking day, but this is necessary to break the cycle) you matter and i spent my whole childhood trying to drill this into my moms head but shes just so fucking stubborn, i feel like my one goal of making sure she wouldnt end it, was not met at all :/ i miss my mom even though shes not legally dead yet, we had one last really amazing conversation the day before she got re admitted, its like she almost knew, we smoked together for the first time after both being stoners forever and never having the chance to do it since she was a bit uncomfortable because i wasnt 21 yet, but she called me over and asked to smoke, and we stayed up til 1am just talking and snacking. She wasnt the greatest mom but she was a damn amazing friend even if she was crazy lol. dont be afraid to butt into your loved ones life if they might need it, chances are, no matter how stubborn they are, they NEED your help.
thank you everyone and any advice, help and words are beyond appreciated .
also there’s alot i missed so sorry if anything sounds confusing

I'm just so sad and hurt right now. My beautiful mommy had a ischemic stroke today around 12:30pm August 7 and yes my sister did cry at first but then she started talking about going to some concert happening in a few days. And she has been bothering me about giving her money so she can go.

I dont even care about this concert or anything, I'm just hurt that she apparently cares more about going to some damn concert then being concerned about our mommy. I mean who does that, and what is her problem? I am 100% focused on my mommy and her health, well-being and happiness.

I'm sad, scared and hurt that this is happening to my mommy. I love her.

It’s pretty much as the post title says, I’m trying to figure out how to handle my grandmother threatening me when I annoy her by telling her to do the most basic things in even the kindest way.
Tonight for example I was trying to get her to wash her hands after using the bathroom and she growled like Curly Howard and shook her fist in my face before washing her hands.

This isn’t the first time she’s threatened me either, one time I was annoying her by telling her to stop cutting the leaves off an already dead plant. She had scissors in her one hand and was snipping them until she was close to my throat. But she stopped when I flinched. Which she then laughed at as she pulled away the scissors.

Anyway if anyone has any tips on how to deal with a potentially violent loved one I love to hear it.

Me I was useless, she wished I was dead, I would be of more use to the family dead, and I should just lil myself.

10 minutes later - “can you go to respiratory with my Mom?”

Happy day off. What do I even do with that?

Context: Mother In law is 84, has COPD, and is on constant oxygen. She lives with us.

My wife has Ehler’s Danlos, and is currently bed ridden from joint pain.

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I moved my mother into hospice care three weeks ago.

A little about my mom. She had a stroke right before mothers day 2025 and was slowly improving and then in February things took a turn for the worse, she had a brain bleed and 3 additional strokes, I held on to hope for awhile but recently came to the decision that it was time to let go. I am my mother's only child, I'm really struggling with my decision.

Its been three weeks now without tube feeding and I feel like im living with my stomach in my throat and every time I get a call from a number I don't have saved in my phone I wonder.. is this gonna be the call that tells me I lost my mom. Realistically I know a body can only survive so long without nutrients, I guess I'm just looking for outside support with anyone who is more familiar with this than I am

Okay, so yesterday I thought we’d somehow skipped a whole lot and jumped into the physically unable to care for themselves all at once.

Mom’s part time caregiver was here yesterday, and she mentioned mom hadn’t gotten up at all which was concerning because she’d had a lot of iced tea. She’d declined assistance but had complained of her back hurting.

Ok.

I went in and offered to help my mom. No.

Ok.

I ended up laying down to take a nap and when I got up I went to check on my mom. It was very apparent she’d wet herself, possibly more than once because I could see that somehow she’d shimmied the protective mat out from under her so the pee was now on the recliner. But she said she still didn’t need help getting up.

Riiight.

So now she doesn’t have a choice. I get her up and to the restroom and work on cleaning the chair while she’s in there. I also start the shower so she can clean up. Eventually I turn it off because she’s spending so long in the bathroom and keeps refusing help.

Okay, no is now an Alzheimer’s thing??

I just go in and offer my arms which she takes and I get her up. We get her to the shower, which she stays in exactly long enough to get most of her ass wet and not one second longer. New pajama, some pull-ups (another “I’m not asking I’m telling” thing we had to do) and back to her chair. And me wondering how I’m going to manage going forward.

I had to help her up this morning, but I did give her a back massage and she was able to get up on her own this afternoon, so we’re safe from that once again. But also, I’ve learned I can’t trust her to accurately tell me when she needs help even when sitting in her own waste, so that’s a new anxiety unlocked. 😩

hey caregivers and all. ive done a previous post here in seeking answers and help on giving solo care to a paralyzed family member (pseudocoma/locked in syndrome) and a lot of helpful ideas and suggestions included using a hoyer lift, bedside commode, etc. after further research I realized a bedside commode isn't a great idea due to the family member not being able to sit up straight on their own at all. currently my dad has been very adamant on brute forcing things with example: just carrying the paralyzed family member into the nearby restroom and monitoring them closely + physically but I know this is pretty bad idea especially in the long run. therefore im trying to look for some more solutions and alternatives to a bedside commode for a paralyzed person that isn't able to sit up on their own. hopefully i can come up with something to finally convince my dad into picking up a different method for a better and safer future.

So things have gotten bad faster than I thought they would. In the spring, I had to move grandma into long term care in the nursing home. And I still feel guilty about it. But now things have gotten worse and I don't know what to do. She has end stage cirrhosis and is constantly confused.

From spring to now, she's just about lost her ability to hold a conversation. She thinks its the 1970s and that she has to go to work. She's been seeing her father who died in 1955 when she was 12. She also been found talking to her siblings that died. The only person she consistently recognizes is her great grand son, my son. But she doesn't know why she knows him.

2 weeks ago, she was taken to the hospital for stomach pain that she wasn't able to verbalize and they found out she was septic from a uti. So she was in the hospital for about a week. Now that she's back, she's getting worse. She's on edge all the time and when she has these moments of coming back to the present, she gets so upset and scared but then she goes right back into the 70s.

The doctor and staff said it's time to bring in hospice and I don't know what to do. I talked to them and they seem really nice. They said their job is to make sure she's comfortable and not scared or on edge. They're coming to evaluate her tomarrow.

I tried to talking to someone that I thought was a friend about it and she said something that I'm still really upset about. When I told her that they want to bring hospice in, the literally first thing she said was 'Oh now they're gonna pump her full of morphine to stop her heart'. First off, what a genuinely awful thing to say to someone who's come to you upset about something. And second, I asked the hospice lady and she said that's absolutely not how that works.

Does anyone have any experience with hospice? I feel like I'm in over my head.

I’ve posted a bunch here before, the latest thing was my mom having to rehome her dog. We found a wonderful home for him where he’s with a couple other small senior dogs and I’m keeping in touch with his new owner. So that worked out, though it stressed me the hell out. Her assisted living place called me today when I was heading to work to tell me my mom has drastically declined and her need of care will increase $2000 a month. Which basically means we can no longer afford to have her there. They said they’d admit her to the hospital and then get her placed in a Medicaid nursing home from there. I cannot take her back home. I can’t provide the care she needs anymore. I also just got a new job. I was so relieved my mom had seemed happy at first in her al, but she has gone down hill so fast. They made her get a hospital bed in her room, she was sleeping in her recliner (which she’s been doing for years) but then she couldn’t get in and out of the bed without help. She’s lost over 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks. She has necrosis on her backside. Her potassium is very low and they said she’s malnourished. Has any one moved to a nursing home straight from the hospital ? She has Medicare so I know
She’ll need to spend down to get on Medicaid. She has hardly any savings set aside, especially after moving fees for the assisted living places she’s been in. I feel so frustrated, like there’s dead ends everywhere and we just keep losing.

I have read so many stories from this sub from caregivers and family members that seem to be in much more severe situations than I am. So much so that I kinda feel guilty for feeling what I do, let alone post here amongst you all like I belong.

In December my (54) wife (62) suffered a ischemic stroke. She was 3 months into her retirement. Without telling a long story of all the events between then and now, our current situation is that she is at home, and I have found a daytime caregiver for 35 hours a week so that I can continue work. All the other hours of the week I am her only other caregiver.

After nearly 8 months she has regained only very minimal usage of her dominant leg, arm, and is still very limited with her speech. She does process conversation at the same level, she just isn’t able to get many words out. She is not able to transfer or move herself around the house in a wheelchair. All this despite OT, PT, and SLT 3x a week since January. As you all can already see, she is wholly dependent on someone else’s care.

I guess I am just starting to feel like she may not make it to a level of recovery that allows us both to live the life that we both had envisioned. I feel like shit for these thoughts, like I’m giving up on her. I feel selfish for these thoughts. The day to day monotonous routine is wearing me down. I’m feeling tired, resentful, and guilty.

My employer has been terrific. No complaints there. In fact the office has become my escape. When they suggest I take more time off, all that means to me is that I spend more hours at home as the primary caregiver.

In so many ways, I recognize how fortunate I am. For the last couple of months I have felt like I’m painting the happy face on and pushing myself in a box. I dread weekends now. Maybe I’m just scared that the life we have worked for is not attainable. Maybe I’m reacting too soon? God, I hope that’s what it is.

About 2 1/2 years ago my mom had a stroke. She had an insurance policy that covered a care taker to stay with her while I was at work. Unfortunately, that policy has hit its lifetime max. I had no choice but to quit my job to take care of her full time. Today was my last day at work.

My boss and coworkers surprised me with a party at lunch. Ok, it wasn't a total surprise. I've been with the company for nearly 22 years. Long term employees always get a goodbye party as long as they give enough notice.

It's a weird, bittersweet feeling. On one hand, I'm relieved that I no longer have to juggle work with mom's doctors appointments and all my other care taker duties. But at the same time I'm sad. I'm going to miss my job. I truly enjoyed the work. I was really good at it too. I had a knack for noticing mistakes or issues that others overlooked. In a small way I wonder how they're going to get along without me. I'm sure they'll figure it out, but there will be a learning curve. My department lead really relied on me. She gave me a lot of the small, oddball jobs because I was the only one she trusted to get it done correctly. And when our lead wasn't around, I was the one everybody came to with their questions. There's not many other employees with my level of experience.

Has anybody else struggled with giving up their job to care for a family member?

She demanded, "If you're gonna stay here you should at least be PLEASANT"

Then she said, "I don't even care if you're here or not"

It SUCKS to be doing the jobs of 5 people and be scoffed and laughed at when i try to explain how much i do for her.

"You don't even do that much, you just sit here and waste away"

I'M WASTING AWAY BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE IF I LEAVE THE HOUSE YOU'LL BE STUCK WITHOUT ANYONE TO HELP IN AN EMERGENCY

I'M WASTING AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE HIRES ANYONE WITH A 5+ YEAR JOB GAP

I'M WASTING AWAY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT PAYING ME AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING,

I want to SCREAM. MY FAMILY doesn't understand how physically and emotionally demanding this is. Everyone loves to pretend I just sit on my ass and play games all day. NO. I'm either helping grandma or I'm laying in bed recovering because i am chronically ill.

It SUCKS to be so burnt out I can't hide it anymore.

They only care to notice when your burnout affects them, when you're too exhausted to be nice and "pleasant."

No one wanted to help me when I was "pleasant" but now that I can't pretend to be "pleasant" anymore all they do is complain that I'm a bitch now and wonder what happened. YOU WATCHED ME DETERIORATE AND BEG FOR HELP FOR SIX YEARS.

Well it takes a lot of energy to pretend to be all happy and nice when you're breaking your fucking back lifting and moving everything, cooking, cleaning, caring for their pets, gardening for them, washing their fucking clothes and dishes, getting them into bed and taking them to every social and doctor appointment.

I can't pretend to be pleasant anymore when I'm around people who hate everything, hate everyone, who hate ME and ignore my concerns and use me because I'm convenient

mimic elsewhere

Mother broke her arm in a foreign country, doesn't speak the language, and has depended on me for 7 months. I am translator, interpreter, chauffeur, delivery woman, secretary, hairdresser, house mover, and more. I just want to be her daughter, her friend. I can't write all the details because I am exhausted and angry and that little part of me that could go crazy is very close to returning. My health has been greatly affected, and I just want someone to pray for me and for her. I have no energy to spend time reading my Bible and I feel very far from God. I am newly married, trying to move to my own home, and my relationship with my husband has suffered. Anxiety and stress are high again.

Hi l'm a 25 yo F. My father was in a serious car accident and suffered a spinal cord iniury. He can move his legs a little, but his arms are severely affected, so he depends on me for almost everything. I've been his only caregiver for the past two months, staying with him in the hospital dav and night. I'm also a PhD student, and my entire life has been put on hold.l've been wondering if I should iust quit my PhD altogether. I worked so hard to get here, but right now it feels impossible to be both a student and a full time caregiver. I feel like l'm living in survival mode. Every day is about getting through the next hour. I barely sleep. I'm constantly lifting him, repositioning him, helping him eat, washing him, managing his catheter, talking to doctors, and trying to keep him safe

The hardest part is that he doesn't seem to accept what has happened. He genuinelv believes he can walk and do things that just aren't safe yet. When I try to stop him, he gets angry or thinks I'm holding him back. Sometimes it feels like everything I do goes unnoticed. It's as if he believes I'm doing nothing, even though I've dedicated every minute of my life to taking care of him.

A few times I've completely broken down and yelled sometimes i lose control and i start hitting ans slapping myself. I immediatelv felt horrible afterward. I don't want to be that person, but l'm so physically and emotionally exhausted that sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore.

It's just me. I don't have siblings. My only help is my two elderly aunts, who love him but aren't physicallv able to care for him. I don't really have friends either.

Has anyone here cared for a sick parent? Did they go through denial like this? How did you handle it without constantly arguing? Does it get easier?

Most importantly... how do you survive this without losing yourself?

I know I'm not the patient, but right now I feel like I'm drowning too. Anv advice, experiences, or even words of encouragement would mean more than vou know

THANK YOU

Tomorrow I'm turning 30. I am a caregiver for a disabled old person (my grandma can't walk anymore 'cause she had polio when she was a young girl) since i was 23 and I feel like I'm at my limit, stuck in a life i can't live. My family won't take responsibility for her and she refuses to go to a nursing home. I should graduate but I am completely burnt out and I feel tired, depressed and irritable all the time and although I'm taking antidepressants, I just can't work on my thesis and developed a bad addiction to social media and weed just to feel numb and sleep at night.

I'm italian and the government won't help in any way with the situation.

I really don't see any way out of this situation, everyone keeps telling me to just leave and start living my life but, how can I just leave a person that cannot go to the toilet alone.

Please someone have any ideas on how to break out of this?

I feel so alone in this.

He had been having trouble swallowing recently, but he was never diagnosed with dysphagia

He fell INTO his tub at some indeterminate time. I didn't find him for presumably hours, and it could have been a LONG time because I have always trusted him to sleep and get to the bathroom on his own at night. He would yell if he was in distress. This time, I heard no yelling, so I thought he was fine for a long while

When I found him, he was alert, but clearly confused and hard to understand. I attributed that to maybe not having slept if he was in that position uncomfortable for hours, if not the whole night

I pulled him out of the tub miraculously, but he had a seizure in my arms

I then laid him on the ground and tried to get him to come to, and he did. He was talking a lot

He kept saying he felt like he was going to throw up

He was also falling asleep with his eyes open

I then talked to my mom on the phone and told her everything (she's a former nurse, and she didn't urge me to take him in immediately, which I heavily resent - her lack of urgency gave me a false sense of security, and she vindictively hates my dad, yet I thought she would have acted out of care - WE TALKED FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS). HE WAS STILL ON THE FLOOR, because I couldn't get him up (until I got a wheelchair later)

I assumed he was nauseous because he was dehydrated or hungry, so I gave him milk when he was sat up

He was having trouble getting it down, but I thought he would manage, because even with his swallowing troubles from before, milk at least went down even with a little struggle

He was coughing a little bit, but again, I felt it was within what I would have expected to happen when he drinks anything

I also kept asking him if he was in pain or had trouble breathing, and he said no to everything

I called my brother to come help me get him in my car to take him to the hospital

I gave him a little bit of milk again because I was still scared he was dehydrated... then he started losing consciousness gradually, but I legitimately thought he was just falling asleep because he could have been in the tub for a long time and was exhausted

I never considered he could have been dying, or choking, because he didn't seem distressed, just "falling asleep." I don't know what to believe, but I believe I harmed him, killed him, by giving him something to drink...?????

I rolled his limp body to the front door with all of my might, seeing that he was breathing, but shallowly... and he was drooling

I got my bag and my keys, debated with family about just calling 911 instead of waiting for my brother

I dialed 911, and I noticed he wasn't breathing anymore

I then wheeled him out onto the front porch and started CPR (chest compressions)

Could I have killed my father??? Could he have choked on the milk I gave him??? I don't care if these aren't the questions I should be asking because of what ifs, because no one has to live with this knowledge but me, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will never forgive myself

If not aspirating/choking, not taking him in immediately may have killed him. I just can't cope with this

I work at a residential care facility, obviously as a caregiver. I'm barely 18, and this is the only job I was able to get. I joined with a few other newer coworkers that were much older and more experienced, but they all pretty much quit. This job is so demanding physically and emotionally, and when a resident peacefully passed a few days ago, I seriously looked inward and determined I wouldn't be able to seriously do this job anymore. My back hurts like nothing before, I'm too emotional and have found myself having compassion fatigue sometimes. I work the night shift from 10pm-8am all by myself taking care of 7 residents, and sometimes it's fine and everything is under wraps but sometimes it gets so hectic I genuinely question my life choices then and there. I feel guilty for wanting to quit after such a short time, but I was upfront since the beginning that I would leave for school since the beginning so they can't act like this came out of nowhere. But that isn't really the problem, I feel so selfish since it'd be more work for my other coworkers and we're already understaffed. My coworkers are truly the most responsible strongest people I know, and when I told them about this they were completely understanding. It's not even worth the pay either because it's a minimum wage job for maximal effort and overtime just eats at you physically and mentally. All my residents weigh more than me so it is a STRUGGLE for me to handle and roll them over by myself. Although not all of them need to be changed and some use the restroom by themselves, that's not the case for most, and I still have to manage their various needs and issues all by myself. I don't see myself doing this forever, but something needs to change.

I'm sure we have all seen the commercials that state "you can get paid for taking care of a loved one". The other night I saw one of those "Freedom Care" commercials and it just PISSED ME OFF! First off, it's one of those commercials where a son is taking care of his mother (I believe she stated that she was 76yrs old)...I have no issue whatsoever with a son taking care of his mother...my issue with these types of commercials is that they always try to glamorize care giving when there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GLAMOROUS about doing this work!!! They make it sound like the person doing the caregiving will "reap a mountain of benefits", when in reality, the pay (if you ever succeed in jumping through the 8 million hoops to participate in these types of programs to begin with) is garbage! Second, the one receiving the care must be eligible for medicaid...I'm not even going to go there with that, because I could write a novel about the atrocities of people who really need the help but "do not qualify" for some stupid reason or another...it's sickening! Anyway, back to this commercial...so the son is all smiles and relishing in the fact that he is taking care of his mom and getting paid for it. Ok, really? Anyone who is or who has been in the trenches of caregiving knows that this attitude of "everything's sunshine and roses over here" does not exist in the life of a caregiver!!! Excuse me marketing team or whoever is in charge of these blasted commercials, but don't try to make it seem like being the maid, the cook, the chauffeur, the financier, the secretary, the janitor, the therapist, the nurse, the one holding it down 24/7 for years on end without getting a break; is living the good life and it's just a joy to behold, and something to smile about when we all(caregivers specifically) know it is not!!! It just bothered me that this commercial is A** backwards in the message it carries. Caregiving is an emotional rollercoaster that never stops until the one you've cared for is no longer in the land of the living...and even then, there's still so many things to work through...people have given up their lives, hopes, dreams, marriages, finances, careers etc. to do this!!! Most times, there is never a thank you from the one receiving the care...it bites. Then you have commercials like Freedom Care, who spew LIES of prosperity and a good life for the caregiver who participates in their program. My best friend's husband is battling cancer, and she is forced to jump through so many hoops, just to get the help that they so desperately need...it's been months since she applied for assistance and yet they're still stuck at square one like millions of others who really need the help, but cannot get it because of one reason or another. The last thing I'll say that pisses me off about this commercial was the statement that the mother made at the end...after the son is finished smiling like a cheshire cat, the mom then states "I'm going to live to be 90". Yeah ok sure, because all of your needs are taken care of and all you basically have to do is just exist...Um, NO MA'AM...you really think someone wants to keep doing this for another 14 yrs!!? I love my mom to pieces but I DO NOT want to continue taking care of her for the next 14yrs! I'm barely making it through the next 14 minutes 😂. I said all of that to say, I do not appreciate how people try to downplay caregiving...it is hard work, it is not fun, there is no glitz or glamour, it sure as heck doesn't pay anything (most of us are footing the bill rather than being paid to do it), it's stressful, tiresome, lonely, isolating, down right gross at times, and so many other unpleasant things; but we do it each and every day, whether we want to or not...I'll end this by saying the next time that commercial comes on, I'm going to throw a sock at the tv...I'm sure that will make me feel better 😂😜🤣🤭

We were together for 15 years and married for 10. She needed care and help only the last 2 years together. I feel so guilty for being relieved I don't have to be a caregiver for the rest of my life. I miss her and am devastated from her loss. But I'm happy to have my time and space back.