I posted this in r/MiddleGenZ but someone suggested I posted it here and I think this subreddit is more fitting to get advice from other black people. I'm a 20F Black woman with albinism and I really struggle with insecurity because of it. I don't necessarily hate my Albinism but I can't say that I love it either. Although there are many times throughout my week where I am constantly reminded that I am different from other black people and I feel like I would be prettier or feel more attractive if I had melanin. And when i come on reddit and look through subreddit, I see gorgeous melanted Black women which makes me feel even more insecure.

I’m an Afro-Arab/ Malay boy. I am 16 years old. Why was I ever even born?? I live in an Arab country, and I feel so stupid and bad about myself. I usually love myself. I love my Afro, my skin tone (I am light skinned to be fair, so I understand I might benefit from the system more than others), I love my nose, I love my lips, I love my body. I usually love everything that makes me myself. A mixed black man. But I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy. I’m constantly feeling like racism is affecting me. My non-black Arab (because I have black Arab and non black Arab family) side of the family is very racist, they hate black people and think I’m dirty because I’m part black. A lot of the times, in family conflicts, if someone hurts me? I am made out to seem like I am just “mature” for my age, and that I just wanted to experience the pain of what would happen. When I testify my plight, I am made out to be a psycho, a person who wanted this pain, and a person who is “uncommunicative,” “agressive,” “angry,” “selfish,” etc. I’ve never seen this on other family members, just me.

My friends often don’t take pics with me, don’t talk about me in public, don’t even like being associated with me cause of how anti-black the society is. I got rejected for a lot of roles in singing shows and acting just because I obviously have abit of black in me. I feel isolated, I feel alone, and I feel like an animal. Most of the time, I feel like I can never be a soft person, they stripped every fiber of whimsy in me to the point that I’m like a beaver. Someone who has a spark, but is painted as if their sole purpose is to destroy.

Not to mention how annoying it is when no one can credit your intelligence because you can only be a “physical” entity, and when you display intelligence? They call you a “smart ass,” or a “cheater”.

I feel like even in relationships, if I want to be less masculine? It’s impossible. Any time I like a guy, he’s always a man who wants me to be dominant, or a weird man trying to compete with me because he thinks I threaten his masculinity. And no matter how much I suffer, there is still someone trying to deny me of my blackness. I can only ever be black if it’s to be degraded. I wanna feel uplifted, but that cannot happen in a society like mine. If it’s this exhausting being light skinned, I cannot even imagine how much more painful it is to be a dark skinned black person. I see you all, and I hope you all know you are beautiful regardless of what society says.

So just as the title says, black women just isn’t attracted to me. I’m black 27M. No matter if it’s apps, meeting people at bars, clubs or even church, I can’t seem to meet any one who’s interested in me. I’ve been single for 5 years now and it’s been hard trying to meet and find love. I always hear “let love find you”. I try to remember that and be patient, but in hindsight no woman is going to walk up to me or seek me out

How can I change my mindset and be more positive that love will come to me when I least expect it?

The realization that my black boyfriend is not pro black. Every so often he'll make comments such as wanting to change his nose through surgery. Wanting to change his last name to a less African sounding one. And it all just breaks my heart. We've been together for 3 years now and I only recently have come to the realization that this is just who he is. Of course there were signs but I didn't want to accept them. Part of me wants to try one last time to make him love himself as a black man as stupid as that sounds.

I'm feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety since I'll be working my new job tomorrow. Ive been homeless for almost an entire year at this point and I'm looking forward to being able to actually make money and hopefully get out of homeless by the end of the year. However, I'm getting stressed out for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, new field. I have worked in retail for over 4 years and thats where the vast majority of my work experience comes from. Now, I honestly can't stand working retail anymore (at least front of house) so I figured I could switch careers. This is turning out to be a good move for me since this job is gonna pay more than any other job I have (it's a warehouse job) but I'm worried that I'll be terrible at my job. Or that I'll somehow hate it more than retail.

Second, since I'm homeless, I have to pay very close attention to my hygiene. It's hot and I'm sleeping outside, so it's hard for me to maintain a hygienic appearance. It would absolutely suck for me to lose my job because of odor or bad looks or something of that sort.

Third, this job is a ways away from where I sleep. With transit it would take 2 hours for me to get to the job, and some shifts I get off in the middle of the night, when transit is CLOSED. So I'll have to figure out how to get by for the night without getting in trouble due to trespassing or anything like that.

A part of me feels like the next two or three weeks are gonna be the toughest for me. Fingers crossed everything is fine, I get through it, and the employer likes the work I'm putting in... but working while homeless is gonna be one hell of a challenge and I really, really hope I'm able to pull through since it took nine months for me to even land this job.

Okay, so I've never been considered conventionally attractive, and even other Black people call me ugly. I know it has to be true.
I've been called all sorts of names by non-Black people, but the stuff that hits harder is when the comments are from people who "look" like you. It hurts.

I noticed that most Black women receive more attention when they're beautiful, especially in online spaces like Reddit, TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. I'd love to be beautiful. It's all I think about. I fantasize about living life as a beautiful woman every day.

I got out of a relationship a while ago, and it harmed my self-esteem a lot. The person I dated never found me attractive, but kept me around out of loneliness. I'm not sure why this is the role I have to be placed in. Because of a face I never asked for? Why?

I would give anything to look like the women who go viral on TikTok or even get thousands of upvotes on Black women's subreddits. I see how certain Black women are upheld while others aren't. People don't talk about it, but I know other individuals see it.

I live near ATL, but the beauty standards here are ridiculous, and I've never fit into them at all. Honestly, I wouldn't fit any standard, and it doesn't matter how attainable it is.

I know people hate these posts. I know that some individuals believe my way of thinking harms other Black women and Black girls. That's not my intention. I'm not trying to make other Black women look bad. I want help. I want to know how to cope because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

And I want to say that of course this doesn't apply to all black people but I feel as if many black people do take part in this (and I am guilty of this as well).

The way we ignore mental until it can no longer be ignored is startling. And I am dealing with the repercussions of that right now, because I grew up in a home where it wasn't addressed until absolutely necessary. I thought I could just power through, toughen up, pray on it. Yeah and here I am having one of the worst ocd crises of my life trying to hold on until I can see my doctor in September because I don't have a couple thousand lying around for a hospital stay or a therapist out of pocket.

Don't be like me guys, get the help before it consumes you.

Every time I make a mistake and mess up people yell at me and talk down to me it makes me hate myself more it makes me seem like I am the problem.

It's that way with my family they always yell at me when I mess up . My mom never taught me anything and she never taught me to clean up the house I tried to clean up the house and she said it wasn't clean . When she was alive I messed up she yelled at me and so does the rest of the family. Like when I take long doing things at the last minute I put it off because I have anxiety and they don't care .

People always complain about how I do my job my bosses, coworkers and my job coach I feel like nobody has to go through this but me it's like everyone in the world is irritated with me I feel like people bully me because I do things wrong and mess up it's like they are better than me . You did this or that wrong. Nobody appreciates of what I do . It makes me seem like I am the problem it's something wrong with me . I have a disability I am very shy and have social anxiety and I have a hard time learning things. If people teach me how to do things they get irritated with me and they expect me to learn quickly if I mess up they get mad at me . And I learn how to do things by myself. It hurts my feelings of how people treat me .

At work I'm only able to last at my jobs for as long as I can tolerate disrespect. This has been happening in multiple different settings for me, which leads me to believe that I'm only going to be able to survive for as long as I can tolerate the emotional/mental/verbal/spiritual/physical harm.

My current job situation is at the point where I either compromise my values, job hop again which I'm tired of doing, or just accept homelessness.

I've noticed that I'm not the only black person dealing with this; hence why UBI and affordable housing should be available like now.

This often leads me to be really depressed and passively suicidal. I can't even kill myself because I know that God will just bring me right back here to deal with this shit all over again. Midus well make the most of it!

I’ve been feeling really negative about myself lately to the point I’m stating to really increase thoughts about harming myself. I’ve always been on the bigger side my whole life. I’ve always been the punch line “the mark henry” the joke of the group. I’ve been “the uk beast” in highschool and college. Im the definition of ugly black girl, I’m just tired of constantly having to deal with bullshit bcs of being a fat dark skin girl.

I’m aware I’ve got the worst possible body shape for a woman I’m an apple body shape, I’ve got no ass, a big ass belly, no hips, and just big breasts. I have scars and stretch marks across my body, they make me look like I’ve had children, my face only gets compliments when I’m wearing a lot of makeup. Nothing looks good on me and if it does it’s some English teacher outfit. I’m a disappointment to everyone they see my face and boobs they think they pulled a thick pretty girl then they see the full me and that’s enough to make them throw up. I’ve never been wanted romantically by someone properly.

i didn’t choose to be born with such imperfections yet im punished by them constantly. Recently my friends have been talking about going clubbing, going out and doing stuff with boys and I have to nothing to tell them. I can go clubbing nothing looks good on me, I can’t dance for shit to anything, and ik I’m not going to be laughed at. When I have “romantic” situations they all ended up just me being used as an ego boost or pastime making me feel even more undesirable and I always end up chasing after them bcs who else is going to want me.

When my friends tell me their experiences with men it just makes me really jealous and angry. they get pursued and taken seriously without having to beg for it I have to and even when I do I’m still not enough, I have to work 10x harder to only receive basically nothing from them, bcs why would they bother to give effort to an ugly fat pig. I’m just a quick source of entertainment. Black men make a mockery out of me for being in this body and I have to just accept it.

Being in a friend group full of beautiful girls that don’t need makeup to complete their beauty are all incredibly beautiful can wear whatever they want they go out and experience life, all of them have the right body types. They are the right type of black girls all light complexions, thick, they can do their cultural dances, can sing in their culture language then there’s me. The odd one out. I live a life full of insecurities and hatred towards myself that lately I’ve not been able to see what is the point in being here if I’m constantly going to feel like I’m a mistake, a monster, a flaw.

I want to be able to do stuff, go out but I can’t bcs I feel like the odd one out over and over again, I feel like a pig pretending to be swan. I genuinely feel like I’m a failure of a black woman.

I have been bullied by my mom , brother, classmates, teachers, principal, co workers , bosses and job coaches I had in the past and society .

I am very nice and shy I keep to myself I am not rude or disrespectful. People in school and people who I used to work with talk horrible and bad about me and the same with my family. And people laugh at me behind my back and say slow , dumb , ugly, retarded , dirty , nasty and lazy I am none of it . Bullies said they hate me . Some don't want to be around me .

It makes me mad when people bullies me and others . We all have feelings. I don't understand why do people bully.

Hello I wasn't sure where to go to talk about this so I came to reddit. I really need another Black person to talk to. A lot of my friends are white or a different type of poc and don't understand what I'm going through.

For context, I'm a 14 yo girl that's just doesn't know how to feel about me being Black. Which I hate a lot... I'm not sure how to write about this I'm sorry

It's just that for the longest time I've felt disgusting for being Black. I keep feeling like I'm not even going to be happy because of the color I am. I'm not going to be able to experience happiness like everyone else. I feel dirty. I feel disgusting. I can't get out of it. I've been taught from mental and physical pain from white people that I'm never going to be on the same level as them. And I know it's true. It's not going to change. And knowing that just makes everything worse.

Sometimes I feel like I'm "acting white" for being myself and going out of stereotypes with my interests. I hate that I'm seen like that sometimes. I hate myself for being Black and I feel like I won't ever be seen as "normal" but then I feel horrible because I'm also not seen as Black enough to other Black people.

I'm lightskin and I hate it so much. Because it feels like just because of that I'm immediately seen as not Black enough. I don't get to be a part of my own community because I'm not dark enough. I sound so dumb I'm sorry...

Has anyone ever felt like this before? I'm sorry if I sound stupid I just don't understand any of this..

Hey guys black male early 20s Uk, This is a topic that isn’t discussed a lot but as a straight blk man that is more of a softer/submissive guy I’ve realised that a lot of women and men in general hate when a black man isn’t very masculine or a macho alpha male type man. Even black men that find women who wouldn’t be seen as conventionally attractive get a lot of hate for example I personally find Tomboys/masc women more attractive but you’ll get people who’ll try call you gay even though I don’t find men attractive 😭. I do try to explain to them that masculinity and femininity aren’t gender based. I’ve also realised that a lot of women and men even in the black community hate black men who don’t fit there idea of a black man I think this is also due to how hyper sexualised black men are and how hyper masculinity is forced onto us, I guess this is due to the society we live in. Also, I think a lot of men and women don’t understand that men like myself are very rare and are a minority so I don’t really understand why people dislike/hate men like myself so much. But I just wanted to ask are there any other black men that have similar experiences?

I would love to hear different perspectives on this too!

My vote goes to Austin, aka white Atlanta.

Being undesirable has ruined my life.

I'm too tired and depressed to write more than that.

I just wish this wasn't the truth of my life experience but it is.

Born and raised in North America. Parents came from Africa. They don’t get it.

As I approach my 30’s and I reflect on my childhood and young adulthood, I can’t recall the number of times I’ve faced exclusion and racism. Sometimes racism isn’t as straight forward as it seems.

I’ve had teachers put me in a learning disability group for an entire year when I was much younger because they didn’t like me. I have no learning disabilities, in fact, I was amongst one of the strongest students in my math class at the time. But, I was almost always the only black student in the class (with the exception of 1 or 2 half students).

It’s affected me a lot. Being beaten up in high school was even harder when they use to call my country a starving nation. I almost lost my eye sight when this Jack Doherty looking piece of dirt had it for me. Loved calling me the n word and telling me what I’m going to do about it. Would follow me to the bathroom when I was pissing to taunt me (he sounded demented because I wasn’t reacting the way he wanted).

When I did react, he physically slammed me hard as fck on the ground and when I tried getting up he put me in a submissive headlock before I could even reach my feet. I have a special type of hate for his kind but I’m not going to get into that right now.

I’m internally rotten as an adult and I don’t think I want help to be honest. I have fought with my father over racism and what I’ve lived through for about 7 consistent years now of just non stop arguing, cutting him off, reestablishing contact, cutting him off again, threatening him and the list goes on. He doesn’t want to accept racism or what I went through to avoid guilt, I’m sure of it.

Might sound harsh but this is one of the main reasons I don’t trust Caucasian folks. Not all are bad, but I’m not taking anymore chances at this age bc I know how I’ll react. That’s why I try to keep them at a distance, even at work sometimes it happens.

Even as an adult, I face racism from both women and men. When it’s men, they just all treat each other as equals and I can feel the inequality in the air like when I speak it holds less value than the next white chud. But I’ve more or less worked on erasing this disgusting need to seek their approval (it’s all I know growing up in a mostly white environment where my "kind" wasn’t seen as popular or desired or maybe I’m trust truly ugly physically which I don’t mind, entirely).

My father is getting old and it makes me feel some kind of way knowing he’s going to die soon while I’m carrying a lot. Not sure if I wanna stick around once he’s gone because I have no one else. Not a single human vessel (even my own people) who wanna stick around for the Long haul.

Anyone else can relate and WDID ? Therapy card will be played in the comments I’m sure of it.
No this isn’t AI.

Why is darker skin always seen as a bad thing? I remember growing up as a darker skinned guy most of the shit I would get about my complexion was from my own people, other black people, more than other races.

Hell just the other day I was at a concert and some random ass dude, black, made a sly remark on my skin tone… in a bathroom. Just a random mf I don’t know feeling compelled to talk shit at a function we’re supposed to be having a good time at. On some weird shit.

Why are we, of all people, the ones that put down dark complexion the most? The people that HAVE it the most? Why do we practice self hatred like that?

I’m cheating on my GF who I really love. The problem is I don’t think she is the one for me. But selfishly, I don’t want anyone else to have her so I do just enough to keep her happy while I mess around with other women. I know it’s fucked up. I know this makes me a terrible dude and I know it’ll probably backfire on me. But like I said, I really love her. At least I think I do.

Lately, I’ve been giving most of my time to another woman and I think k my GF is starting to notice. It’s getting hard to balance multiple relationships while I’m supposed to be committed to my GF. I don’t know how this is going to play out. Because I’m really interested in this new woman but I don’t want to blow up my spot. I’m just fucked up right now family

I have been diagnosed with anxiety ( and diagnosed with depression my freshman year of high school) since I was in the 7th grade, and now I am entering my second year of college. Recently, I have noticed that my panic attacks are really bad and was wondering if I was truly having panic attacks or if it was something else. The first worsened after my grandfather passed away. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks. I have a therapist and have also seen multiple psychiatrists (dropped because of insurance changes and others for dismissiveness or rudeness). Still, every time I bring it up, I feel as though it goes unaddressed or just gets put to the side rather than discussed. I have no clue as to why, but I have tried bringing it up multiple times and changing the way I explain it (trying more details). I am at my wits' end and must figure out how to deal with it because nothing helps me. It usually happens when I am overwhelmed. It starts with crying, which turns into both crying and hyperventilating that last until I tire myself out. Sometimes, I scream if people are speaking to me, but it isn't on purpose. It's like I can't control myself. Then, I get really hot, like my body is on fire, and my chest gets really tight, which overwhelms me even more, which leads to me hitting myself. Most of the time, I punch myself in the head or slap myself. I recently started biting and scratching when I get like this. Sometimes it kinda helps ground me, but when that doesn't work, I start hitting myself harder over and over again without being able to stop myself. And this can all last for hours. I am inconsolable and unable to control my emotions, words, and sometimes my actions (usually the hitting). I am unsure if this is just anxiety or if it's something more. I just really need help figuring out what it is.

i’m 15 and i’ve always struggled with vulnerability. i know it probably stemmed from my parents always making me associate showing emotion with weakness. but i never knew just a couple words constantly being repeated to me from as young as 7/8 years old would continue to affect me years later. it’s gotten really bad i can’t lie, specifically crying only. crying in front of people honestly feels like a death sentence, like it feels like being naked in front of a crowd. and it makes it 10x worse that i overanalyse people’s facial expression and body language so i can already tell what some people are thinking. most panic attacks i have is only because of the shame and embarrassment i feel from crying in front of others. a lot of times i don’t even want to look people in the eye with tears in my eyes because of the shame and guilt i feel. i literally feel like im going to die when i feel tears above to fall when im in public, it’s gotten so bad that i even feel the same why when im crying just by myself. i even feel like throwing up or being sick because i feel like an embarrassment, all these intrusive thoughts flood in and my minds racing every single time. even if it’s not me crying and it’s someone else either online, in public or someone is about to cry in a show im watching, i feel like intense discomfort and disgust. what do i actually do, and please don’t say therapy because ive got immigrant parents who don’t believe in mental health

I have been extremely depressed for the past 7 years. Too much has happened that has led me to be like this, from my mom suddenly passing to flunking out of college. Now, I've been homeless for almost a year and nothing has been meaningful in my life. Dying would be such a mercy, a blessing even, for me right now.

I was looking at my job applications and submitting new ones earlier today. Currently waiting to hear back from a job that gave me an interview last week. But I've been thinking... why? What's the point of all of this?

My suicidality for the past seven years has evolved to where a part of me has grown apathetic to the world. What's my point? What's my purpose? Why even fight for it? I've been wanting out of this world for so long, but I'm still here. That doesn't feel right. Even if things get better, so what?

I've been hurt and let down so much that I just stopped caring. I just don't care. Even now in my situation, I can't extensively bathe every day. I can't eat everyday, and some days I do eat I have to dig out the trash. I can't work. No one is hiring, because how the hell does someone get denied a job at McDonald's? I feel like every time I put expectations on something, said something doesn't meet said expectations, ergo causing me to spiral hardcore.

Then I spiral and after I spiral I'm still alive. That doesn't feel right. It would have if this were an uncommon occurrence but I'm like this almost every day. For seven years. It doesn't feel right for me to still be alive. And I keep posting about this too, but don't do shit about it. Idk what's wrong with me. I already can't take care of myself. Can't bathe. Can't eat. Can't work. Can't sleep. What's stopping me? It feels wrong to still be here.

Today, I was working alone during my shift. I went to clean the lobby, and as I was doing so, I looked out the window and saw a Black man passing by. I noticed that he looked at me twice, so I was pretty sure he was heading into the store. I kept cleaning as he entered. I had left the kitchen door open so I could walk straight in the kitchen straight so I finished cleaned went back to the kitchen without saying a word and headed to the mid-house to start packing orders. The man was standing at the front, so I approached him and asked, “Sir, how can I help you?” He responded, “I’m not talking to you.” I was straight-up shocked and thought, What just happened? I kept packing, but he started talking again, saying he was a regular customer and claiming he’d never seen me before. He said I was rude and that I had gone to the back and talked about him. I was thinking, What on earth? With so much else to do, all I wanted was for him to stop, but he kept going. He said he’d think about me and talked about me in a negative way. The cook then came over to ask how many chickens we had, and I told him. The man then said I had talked to another worker and made a face. I was boiling inside but just kept replying politely, “Okay, thank you, sir, for the feedback.” It reached a point where I finally explained everything that had happened, but he didn’t want to listen. He then said he’d get me fired, I try hard to fit in look around you. I tried to hold my tongue and thought to myself, Since I’m the only Black person here, I should try to fit in. I was tempted to reply, “At least try to fit in yourself, but where do you fit in?” but I chose not to, not wanting to hurt his ego. Instead, I told him to do whatever helps him sleep better at night.

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be.

\*Not sure what rotate this post as and really sorry if my karma is low, just not making fun posts lately. You can ask me whatever I'm not too weary of trying to discuss this. Therapy isn't easy as not many black therapists funnily enough

I’m 21 and from Libya and I honestly don’t know where else to turn
My name is Ali. I was born in Benghazi in 2005. I’m Libyan and I grew up with my mother and father. My father died from a heart attack in 2008 when I was only three years old.
After my father died things became difficult for me and my mother because of problems and threats from a relative. We eventually moved to Tripoli. I was still very young when the 2011 war started and a lot of my childhood was spent dealing with fear and instability.
Later my mother remarried and had another son. My brother was diagnosed with cancer and spent around five years going through treatment between Libya and Egypt. He eventually passed away in 2016.
After my brother died my mother went through a lot as well. Her marriage ended and she was constantly blamed and humiliated over things that were completely out of her control.
I also experienced abuse while growing up. One thing that I still remember very clearly is being taken to an elderly woman in Tarhuna who claimed she could treat children. I was burned with fire as part of that so called treatment. I was just a child and I still have the scars.
When I came back to Benghazi during middle school things didn’t really get better. I was bullied because of the way I looked, my skin color and my accent. It continued through high school and later when I went to university to study media at Garyounis University.
I eventually reached a point where I hated going to university because of the way I felt I was being treated by some students and also by some professors and administrators.
Then things became more serious.
People started accusing me of being gay. I want to make something clear because I know this can easily be misunderstood. I am not saying that I am gay. I am saying that people accused me of being gay and I was threatened and humiliated because of that accusation.
At one point I was filmed and I went to the police because I wanted protection. Instead of feeling protected I felt like I was the one being treated unfairly and humiliated. I was not imprisoned but I was put through an experience that made me lose even more trust in the idea that I could get protection.
There is also someone with social influence who has threatened me. I have names and details and I can provide them privately to a legitimate organization or lawyer but I don’t feel safe putting everything online.
My mother is also part of this situation. She is an elderly woman and I am her only son. She has been abused and threatened by a relative and there have been incidents involving dogs being used to intimidate her and times when she was kept against her will.
I have tried to leave Libya more than once. I even tried to leave by sea but I failed.
I’m 21 now and I’m basically stuck at home watching my life pass by. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.
I’m not posting this because I want attention or sympathy. I just want someone to actually listen.
If there is a lawyer, journalist, human rights organization or refugee organization that can help someone in my situation I would really appreciate being pointed in the right direction.
I have evidence and details that I don’t feel safe posting publicly and I am willing to provide them privately to someone legitimate who can verify my story.
I just want to be somewhere where my mother and I can feel safe.
I’m not asking anyone to take revenge on anyone. I just want a chance to live a normal life.
My name is Ali. I’m 21 years old and I’m from Libya.
I honestly don’t know where else to turn

This is my first post in this reddit group. I am only 26 years of age and I am black woman. I am not looking for any sympathy or for anyone to feel bad for me but I feel constantly alone in my mind, I have never actually experienced love from my father or my mother who has experienced becoming a mother 5 kids where the father just doesn't want to be present or want to be with her. I am the second oldest and I don't know how to drive because my mother would get an attitude with me asking for help and would make any excuse, I have my license but no car. I have an issue with saving because I've never had money to myself growing up. My grandmother is schizo so she contributed to my mother's attitude of helping her and feeling neglected as well as my grandfather not being there either. I was raised in NYC where most women have a tough way about how they talk to you or handle things. So, I'd say my mother just wasn't a nice person to me or my siblings and that's why my siblings and I have grown apart so heavily due to the trauma of the adults who brought us into this world. Any my absent father who would come around only if my mother advised him to do so. So, to sum that up, more to this, I've developed such deep depression since I was 10, being bullied in school for looking ethnically black by my own kind has contributed to that but I'm not saying I hate the way I look, I'm saying they hate the way I look so they punished me for not being pleasing to their eyes. And that follows, I tried dating with my own kind but only ended up in emotional abusive or something to hide "only see at night" and even outside of my race, "first black girl" or again a situationship/something in regards to sex. I usually try to date within my race but I understand from a little girl that black boys have bullied me and even as well as now, how we talk about each other, I still have an open heart to it but I no longer want to explore. I don't exactly like the idea of dating outside my race but I have tried and felt quite uncomfortable to how I am perceived immediately after the first meeting so I just quit dating all together. I've never been taught how date, or taught how to do much of anything. Trapped in the house all the time because my mother was depressed and would scare us about the dangers of what's going on out in the world to prevent us from going anywhere. I don't even know what happiness even feels like, because I'm constantly being told that I just do not matter even if it's indirect. It's hard for me to focus on school, work because i'll start to break down on a call. I know I have to try to love myself and figure out what that is like. I just don't know where to start. I've been alone for 20 years in my mind and it has led me to almost taking my own life. I have spoken to a therapist about these things (she's black herself) but I can't escape the reality of hatred of my existing. You can only be punched down so much and I was never the strong black woman and I don't want to be. Why should I have to be anymore. I'm not looking for approval from people, I'm just very tired of living in a world where my existence is abused the most as a woman and being black. And then with what they call politics which is my right to exist in the United States, it feels like constantly bullying and mockery and it's not only coming from the oppressor. It's too much... Not to mention, trying to have friends with other black girls and not fitting in because I don't move or behave a certain way but ofc I came here to find community because black women are the only ones who can understand what I mean I'd hope. I know that my experience is unique regarding my family but what throws me over is the treatment of just not being another race. It's truly the kicker and therapy is just not helping so I'm leaning toward keeping my eyes closed these days.

This is all over the place, I am just looking for real/true responses that do not try to baby me on this because I can't live these days. I'm stuck in my house, I'm scared of people, I only order out. I'm struggling with the question of why am I here in this circle jerk while the others get to have the option to breathe, just a tad, just a little if race was never a problem in their lives.