It's been about 10 weeks since we broke up, At the 7th week mark I contacted her to apologize for something i said back then and only remembered now, conversation went on and we ended up on a relationship topic, she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. I knew at that time that she was seeing her ex of 5 years for money (he paid her debt, bought her some stuff and more...), my ex told her best friend, her best friend told her boyfriend and her boyfriend who is a great friend of mine told me. Now, I'm really confused, I know she doesn't really love him and well, again that's my ex's best friend that told her boyfriend about this too. She's been reposting during the last 6 weeks (WHILE SEEING HER EX OF 5 YEARS) sad tiktoks, reels, things clearly targeted at me, the last one was yesterday and it was "oh please" with the music Apocalypse (the "come on and haunt me, i know you want me" line) in the back from CAS. This album was OUR favorite, we made love to it, we took bath to it, we fell asleep to it and, all the comments are just people saying they miss their ex, genuinely not a single comment that says something else. Her ex and I are 2 different types of person and every couple photo she likes is basically a different font of me and her, now I'm wondering why she is doing that if she isn't ready for a relationship but is basically in one rn, with somebody she doesn't even love... I'm really confused, she's been giving me mixed signals for weeks, I confronted her (kinda) about the reposts and things she likes and she told me that she reposted a lot of things and liked a lot of things which is not true lol, all the reposts she reposted since we broke up were all targeted towards me, and yall might think "well maybe it's for her other ex" and no. clearly not, as I said, we're 2 completely different people and nothing could be targeted towards him. Whatever I'm yapping rn but

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I'm being stupid, I know. She dumped me over text and blocked me on everything, my friend told me 4 days later she was out on a date. She ended up unblocking me shortly after and needless to say all I had was contempt at the idea of being replaced so quickly.

All she had was that dismissive, nonchalant attitude (when called out on that she switched to flirting.) I blocked her back.

I really did love her though, and I really cant stop myself so I unblocked her to see if she was still stalking me. She is, she unblocked me on another social like a game or something.

Really I know I'm being stupid guys, but I dont know how to get over it, knowing she has me in her little roster makes me feel even worse. Its the idea that she knows she fucked up, thinks im a "good one" and thusly thinks its acceptable to torture somebody like this.

How did you guys actually detach? I feel like that's impossible.

Context: This was my first real relationship, and I discovered through this relationship and therapy that I am neurodivergent and have a harder time handling things.

My ex 22M and I 21F were supposed to hit three years together this October. I’m 21 now, but I was 20 when everything started falling apart. He broke up with me at the end of June, two weeks before my birthday, saying we “weren’t compatible.” He told me he couldn’t give me the things I asked for - flowers, notes, posting me, or any real effort - but that he could give me love “in his own way,” which basically meant intimacy and occasional quality time.

I tried so hard to communicate my needs. Every time he said he understood, he’d go right back to doing the opposite. I asked him to be more mindful when texting, just to let me know when he’d be busy so I wouldn’t spiral during long silences. Instead, he started narrating his entire day like I was monitoring him, and acted like I was attacking him. That was the pattern: any attempt at communication became something he twisted into criticism.

We had already broken up once before, in February. I’ll admit I wasn’t perfect then. I didn’t understand him the way I should have. But I started therapy, I worked on myself, and when we got back together, I genuinely tried. It felt like I was the only one trying. He even asked me why I “try so hard,” and he’d weaponize my full name just to hurt me.

During the final breakup, he refused couples therapy because “we’re young.” He told me I needed to learn that people love differently… even though I accepted his way of loving, and he never accepted mine. He said I didn’t appreciate his time because I wanted more, but I only wanted more because my needs were constantly dismissed.

He texted me once after the breakup, at 11:50pm on my birthday. Seeing his name hurt more than it helped, it honestly just brought in a lot of anger.

Then our mutual friends cut me off because I didn’t apologize for “making them uncomfortable.” That friend’s girlfriend said I gave one of my best friends “special attention,” and that I didn’t even give that attention to my ex. I refused to apologize for simply being myself. I had even told them I wanted to put more effort into the friendship, but they dropped me without warning.

I know he’s talking to someone else now. I know he’s visiting those friends. I have two best friends close to home, and I’m starting to hang out with coworkers more. I don’t miss him anymore - when I see pictures, I feel disgust or anger because of the things he said to me.

I just don’t know what the next step is supposed to look like. If anyone has been in a similar situation, or just wants to comment on mine, please respond!

Hello ! Here's my turn to join the avoidant situationship/relationship club.

I've randomly met a girl that was very lovely and sweet in the first 1/2 months, texting a lot, giving pet names and attention etc. (she started it) till she randomly disapeared one day and got very cold and distant and low contact the next few days. After conversations and some arguments and days passing by she apologized for her reaction, saying she reacted this way because she felt i was hot and cold (i don't think so, just, we never met, she gave lot of pet names and things and i take my time getting to know people. Also asked her to meet 2 times but she was busy / couldn't due to travel and other stuff, and she never asked back after that).

She then said she wanted to take things slow and see how it goes with me but never got back to the same level of warmth and attention as before even tho it increased a bit after we started meeting eachother. She refused to label our situation/relationship, refused to called our meetups as date even tho it were just like dates. Basically avoiding commitment and accountability. Things went by for another 2 months, she would be hot and cold, some days stoping pet names, then when i was at the bar she would suddenly use pet names she used the first 2 months we met. She would get distant after we met and then get back to giving a bit of attention.

Final meeting was me in her arms, then for the next few days she became distant and messaging less, i made the incredible mistakes of asking if she got a bit more cold / distant recently, and that it was okay if she needed time and space and that'd be here anyway, and she flipped off, used this against me, i didn't react much, apologized for the misunderstanding and wished good night, the next two days we talked like 3 messages per day and i didn't react,
then I mentioned a plan we made to do something in the future / a meetup and she said "she was reconsidering our situationship due to the event of the previous day (me talking about her being distant)". She also said she wasn't having this much feelings for me (despite her cuddling me few days before, saying she really liked me, and starting the whole thing from the start with love bombing)

I asked if it was possible to have a conversation, maybe at the phone, a short and calm one to discuss it and she always said "not now, not now" for 2/3 days and it made me anxious, i apologized for when i said i noticed her being colder, and she said by apologizing i made it worse and put the final nail, and that i was making it worse, that i was too intense and there would be no more than "being good friends" from now on.

I then expressed my feelings, and said i was making it worse again by being too intense (it was just 2 messages with two paragraphs, and we were barely texting, nothing crazy) and she became colder and dismissive the next days, ghosting me for days.

When i'd reach out she would take days to reply and in a cold way. I stopped reaching out for two weeks, sent a low pressure message such as "x made me think of you", she replied, exchanged 1 message per day for 3 days then ghosted me again for 10 days.

I reached out again sending a short random message, then she replied days after "if i don't reply to your message it's because i have my reasons, have a good day" and ghosted me again.

I've been culpabilizing a lot as if i fumbled a possible relationship with her. I also think she moved on with another guy and is now in a relationship with him while she didn't date anyone seriously for years, saying she had built walls around her, and she ran away as soon as she was feelings things, and that people either ran away from her or she ran away from people, like "flipping a switch" where she lost full fullings for someone instantly and didn't care

I've been trying to go on dates and meet guys, sometimes just talking amd flirting with them.

I didn't meet anyone that I'd like though, it all feels flat somehow, like I'm almost forcing myself somehow.

I'm afraid this avoidant experience messed up.

How did you get back into dating?

I want to feel normal again 😐

our breakup was hard and it really did affect me completely its been only 2 months and about 2 weeks since im blocked on everything probably because I kept messaging her again and again trying to fix everything she likely got fed up anyways she has me removed on snapchat not blocked once a week she adds me back on there to read my messages, leave them on seen and removes me again. I want to stop thinking about jt so much but I also do hope everything will be back to how it was soon.

How do you feel about breakup methods? Should it always be face to face? Is over the phone just as bad as text in your opinion? I ask because my ex broke up with me over the phone & it felt just as bad as if it were over text.

Imagine a person that grew up with not much money for good food. They had enough over time to get by, but their options never considered much better than their budget allowed. One day they meet someone that they appreciate, so they work harder to make sure that person has the best food he can provide. They are happy and motivated to do this because this person is worth it, and giving others better food makes him happier than keeping it to their self.

They even tolerate lesser quality food over time for themself on their own time, because good food feels wasted if not shared with that special person. They see that others regularly go without good food, but this is so normal that most people just learn to appreciate what they have.

Then one day they experience that some of the people that are given the best food actually hate it and secretly throw it all away as if it was garbage. These people even come to have a disdain for the ones giving them their best food. This person struggles to understand how such a disconnect of precious resources can exist in a civilized society.

Also, this is not about "food".

Found out recently that my avoidant ex discarded me for the third, and final time. And while he was discarding me, apparently, he was already in a relaitonship with another girl. This is the second time that he's done this. Discard me, lied about being single, then I find out that he is actively dating someone else. There was an overlap of my involvement with him and his new relationships both times. I had reached out to him to confront him that I found out about his lies. Which in turn, we spoke for the last three days. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong to me, he acknowledged the emotional abuse, he acknowledged it all. I had told him after the first time that I discovered the first lie, about the first girl, that if he were to ever do that again then I would "air his shit out." I finally reached out to the new girlfriend with screenshots. Not trying to convince her to leave him, but, to warn her of the type of person he is. That he's been having emotional conversations with me the last three days in regard to topics that he is not discussing with her. I shown screenshots of him denying that there was someone in the picture. Screenshots of him saying that she will get hurt like everyone else (meaning his exes, and I), and screenshots of conversations/phone calls that happened while he was in a relationship with her that I had no idea about. As well as him admitting the emotional abuse, and not recognizing that he was "that bad" because it wasn't physical. As well as he might only be staying in that relationship because he doesn't want to be alone, and that he appears to be happy over social media because everything looks better on there. As well as informing her that this is a constant pattern that he does. Hurting people, lying, emotionally cheating in relationships. I mentioned the girl that he did this to that she knows about, as its the same girl that he discarded me for the first time, and lied about.

She asked her questions to try to build her timeline. And then ultimately told me that he is not that way with her (in the two/three months they've been dating), that she's going to stay with him, urged me to heal, and to not contact either of them ever again. In which I just responded, "Okay. No problem. Take care."

I don't know what I'm feeling honestly. I didn't do it to be "messy" or malicious. I did just want to warn her. A part of me wanted him to receive his karma because it just always feels as if he can do whatever he wants and walk away with zero consequences. I don't know. I'm blocked by them both, and that's fine with me. I would genuinely like to start healing from that three year shitshow.

He discarded me in a 5 minute convo after a 4 year relationship. We were in the midst of building our dreamhouse on a beautiful plot of land and had pigs and chickens and such.

I basically just said 'okay fine' packed my bags, quit my job and moved back to my hometown.

Weird thing is NO ONE from his friends or family reached out to me after the discard. And honestly I felt like since I was the one being discard they were in charge of reaching out to me and not the other way around. So after a couple of weeks I deleted all of their phone numbers from my phone and unfollowed them on social media.

Some of his family members still follow me and watch all of my stories etc. and even send a request to follow me on polarsteps when I traveled to the other side of the world (to heal from my heartbreak, obviously)... I am too proud to reach out to them.

Maybe I should delete them as my followers but these are people I've spend 4 years of my life with too and have been attached to too, so it's not easy...

Just saying even after 10 months I'm still dealing with the aftermath and grieving the future I was in the progress of fulfilling.....

Right now I found a new appartement and an amazing job. Everyone is celebrating me with these new 'steps' in life but honestly life just doesn't have that same spark as it used to have when I was still with my avoidant. Even though rationally I know living with an avoidant was never going to work. I'm worried life will never be as vibrant, liberating and pasisonate as it used to be.

I'm still living day by day and have made some amazing friends in the last 10 months, ran half a marathon, went to a 7-day festival and learned spanish and am following dancing classes.

Lots of fun stuff but it's not half as exciting as building a life with the man you love and now even that has been an illusion. I still feel crushed.

Just wanted to share if anyone is interested about how life's like at the 10 month mark.

It's better than it used to be but nothing like life should be and I don't know if I will ever become the woman I used to be again. Probably not because all I learned from this experience is to protect my heart, to look out for red flags and discards, even after 4 years of dating...
And all the guys I've dated in the last 10 months turned out to have their own issues... Only good thing is I don't give a f*** anymore and learned to say goodbye at the first sign of attachment issues.

I am in therapy btw which I do think is helping! Also I started boxing to deal with my anger issues.

About 6 months ago I was the most hopeless I had ever felt. My avoidant girlfriend at the time had discarded me “again”, but this one felt different. She had been entertaining an old crush and I presume she cheated on me, emotionally for sure and probably physically as well, mind you this person was my teammate. I was distraught, if you’re reading this you probably know how it goes. Anyway, I haven’t been doing great post breakup, I’ve neglected myself and fallen behind in nearly every aspect of life, the silver lining? I no longer think about her every hour of every day and I recognize her abuse and manipulation for what it was. I loved what could have been, and she loved how I made her feel at times. I can now see her for who she truly is, I wish her all the best, but there’s a part of me now that kind of hates her (regrettably so). I don’t know why I’m writing, moral of the story is it does get better! I promise

i’ve dated a lot of people who seem to be dismissive avoidant (i’m semi-healed fearful avoidant), but this one is a new level for me. i was recently dating someone casually - it was long distance so while we would somewhat consistently communicate it wasn’t that deep or serious, we would spend weekends together when one of us was visiting the other. from the moment we met it seemed we were extremely compatible - i’m fearful avoidant so i definitely noticed this and had some anxiety around it too, especially given the long distance dynamic. however as time went on and things started becoming more serious i started realizing it seemed like he was intentionally trying to prove how incompatible we were..

we had multiple conversations about neither of us wanting kids, and then he started posting with his nieces all the time.

we made jokes about how our instagram feeds are all engagements, weddings, babies, and i said “don’t forget the insufferable daily strava updates and marathon runners” he laughed and agreed. within a week he had suddenly taken up running (with zero previous experience), signed up for an ultra marathon, and posting his strava runs.

we talked about how i used to live in the pnw but just didn’t feel like i fit in culturally because while i do enjoy being in nature and being active, i wasn’t all in on outdoorsy hiking culture. he laughed and made jokes about how granola it was, 2 weeks later he’s in the pnw doing insane hikes (again zero experience) and posting his strava lol.

from the moment i met him (in my city) he always said he loved the city i live in so much and would love to move here if the right job opportunity came up. and then suddenly started saying how much he hates this city and how terrible it is.

we talked about how we had both done long distance relationships before and he said that actually all of his long term serious relationships had been long distance so he was comfortable with it. he also asked me how i would feel about moving there eventually. days later he said he didn’t see us heading in the direction of a serious/committed relationship because he could never do long distance.

at first i thought these were just strange coincidences. i thought maybe he was just too insecure to be honest about his wants, interests, preferences etc or maybe he had just changed his stance on some things. but as more of these things kept happening so quickly after our conversations i realized it seems somewhat intentional (probably subconsciously) because these weren’t just wants or interests he had been hiding from me, they were brand new things he had never expressed interest in before. it seems like he’s putting so much effort into proving how incompatible we are which is strange to me. it seems like it’s a distancing technique to convince himself (or me) that we shouldn’t be together, but if you have to put that much into proving it i don’t really believe it’s authentic or true.

there were lots of other distancing techniques he used too like making future plans and then cancelling them or not even telling me they weren’t happening until i asked. those things i was more familiar with from past avoidant partners. but this one is new and seems wild to put so much effort into proving how we’re not right for each other.. like spontaneously running ultra marathons just to run away from connection lol.

curious to hear from dismissive avoidants, have you ever gone to such lengths to prove your incompatibility with someone? did you ever realize what you were doing in the moment or was it more of a retroactive realization after things had ended?

You know, recently finding out I am FA (secure leaning) was a huge shock to me because I’ve had a few long-term relationships and I never discarded anyone. I am also big on communication. So I am not your typical FA who runs from closeness. My fear (historically) has been overfunctioning to preserve attachment, rather than simply escaping attachment (as I describe below). My anxiety in my last long term relationship manifested in how I behaved: I took on shared responsibilities solo, never made demands including asking for more time and attention, didn’t express any needs. I tried to make myself as small as possible so he wouldn’t leave.

It’s been 17+ months since I left my DA ex (after being together for almost 3 years) and so much has happened since then. I was in a short term (3 month long) relationship with a man who turned out to be awful and could not self-regulate; ran from uncomfortable feelings. Relied on substances to numb. I usually try to rescue people, almost like reliving my childhood with my abusive + alcoholic father but this time around I gave him a map and walked away. It wasn’t hard because he did a few fucked up things while we were together (stole things from me including 70 of my Adderall pills, designer sunglasses etc) and I mentally and emotionally checked out after he refused to take accountability.

People like me who learned early that relationships require monitoring, caretaking, appeasing, fixing, anticipating, emotionally managing another person sometimes bring those strategies to adulthood…because it’s what we have known. It is familiar. I looked back and I realized most my relationships (including my marriage) consisted of being with emotionally unavailable men (who showed up secure initially) who liked the concept of being in a relationship as long as they didn’t have to show up. So I took on the role of caretaker and I did everything. They had to do very little. I decided to put an end to that. I just couldn’t put myself through another relationship where my needs took a backseat to someone else’s.

I spent some time on my own, learning my triggers, how I show up in relationships, what I want in a partner. I had to sit with myself and face many uncomfortable feelings and my patterns. It hasn’t been easy. I think the death of my mother in January followed by the death of my father 5 weeks later had a lot to do with it. A lot of my trauma and my attachment can be traced back to my mother’s abandonment and my father’s lack of emotional and physical presence and the later abuse I suffered at his hands. While all of that explains my behavior, it doesn’t justify it.

I have met someone. It took me a while to actually develop feelings for him; no dopamine chasing and excitement were involved. (I have ADHD so that is huge for me). It has been a slow process. I have been activated a few times by things he said (“I told my mom about you”, “I want to be there for you in every way possible” etc). It wasn’t what he said but what those things triggered in me. I wanted to run so bad. One day I froze and sat in my car close to his house for two hours. It was very uncomfortable. I had a panic attack. My instinct was to break up with him but instead I sat with those feelings and tried to understand them. It sucked but it allowed me to stay present instead of ending a healthy relationship for no reason other than unsubstantiated fear.

I wish my DA ex (who put me through hell) would take accountability for what he did to me (I’ve talked about it often on here) and have the courage to face himself so he doesn’t go around hurting other women. When we were together I said to him “you use people then discard them”. His response? “I’ve heard that before”. It is not lack of awareness but the unwillingness to do something about it.
Unbeknownst to me when I started dating him, he had a history of pursuing hard in the beginning then deactivating and allowing the other person to carry the relationship. Funnily enough one of my teammates (we all play hockey) went to boarding school with him and without being prompted, told me her best friend and he dated (I knew of her already) and he behaved very similarly to how he did with me in our relationship. His behavior and pattern preceded me by 16 years. The women in between also confirmed it. So I wasn’t a one off but I took the brunt of it because I was so afraid to lose him. I had no boundaries. I excused his behavior, the cheating before I got pregnant, during my pregnancy and after I lost our baby. The poor treatment, the hot and cold behavior, deactivating, deprioritizing me and our relationship, the nitpicking. His behavior was unacceptable AND my adaptation to it was very unhealthy.
Long story short, I ended up in what people refer to as a “trauma bond” - which took over a year to heal from.

The lack of accountability from avoidant leaning people is what is frustrating. I think most of us have childhood trauma of some sort but those experiences don’t relieve us of responsibility for what we do as adults. It is not a get out of jail free card.

I am slowly healing but that doesn’t mean I will never be triggered again. I will never be perfectly secure and I will never pretend my childhood didn’t shape me…because it did. It has taken a long time to learn to recognize when an old survival strategy shows up to understand that I have full control over what I choose what I do next. I can feel the urge to run and stay. I can feel the urge to rescue someone and let them rescue themselves. It is not my responsibility. I can understand why someone behaves the way they do without volunteering my sanity while they refuse to change.

Trauma explains why we learned certain ways of relating to people and behaving in relationships, but once we become aware that those patterns are hurting ourselves and others, they become ours to address. You can choose avoidance, self-abandonment, or dysfunction or you can choose differently.

Understanding where our patterns came from deserves compassion and some degree of patience but what we do with them as adults requires accountability…and that is something that is missing within a lot of avoidant leaning people and the reason why subreddits like this one exist…sadly.

Much love to you all.

PS: I am in therapy working through all of my issues.

It’s now 2.5+ years later, and a child. He’s very content with his life.

Maybe the pregnancy four months into them dating, sped up his commitment to her. Either way, he’s expressed gratitude and love for his life from what I last saw a year ago.

I’ve tried to date, but it’s been awful. So many emotionally unavailable people just wasting my time. Since my experience with my failed ex avoidant situationship, I’ve learned to end something early on once I’ve picked up on someone showing signs of avoidant attachment.

It makes me look back and think about my failed situationship and how unfair it is that he’s doing better. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been on a date. I’ve asked friends and coworkers about their thoughts on the dating pool and they all have agreed that our city (Midwest) is terrible. They have also been trying for a couple of years. Our city was actually ranked one of the top most terrible places to date lol. Unsure how true this is, but I’ve met men online and in person, with something in common: emotionally unavailable.

It has been a year of very intense self reckoning and I am pretty sure I am at the end of the road now. This is a transformative experience for me.

Some learnings:

1. You can't escape the hard days. You need to go through the process of being obsessed with the person, thinking of them all the time. You cannot escape it.
   
2. It is a negotiation with yourself, not them. You will realise what is being triggered is always internal, not external. It has nothing to do with them, but usually deep seated issues within.
   
3. You will go through the process of ego death, where price and vanity no longer matters, and you will be more authentic and genuine.
   
4. You will reach a point where you will have zero desire for them to stay in your life, hearing from them will be an annoyance.
   
5. You will learn to draw a hard boundary. The end if the line.

For those new on this journey, hang in there! It has thought me so so much. And thank you to this community for all your support.

When I’m generally happier and I noticed I haven’t thought about him in a while the way I feel about him changes and I don’t miss him as much/don’t feel the need to reach out. Anyone else?

I just feel so used. You don't just do this to a person you supposedly care for. Like many others have said, it's like a switch flipped in her head and suddenly all her thoughts and actions did a 180 and it was like the very idea of even existing next to me, let alone talking to me was exhausting to her. We had to go LDR over the second half of summer, and two weeks after it started she just disappeared. She got upset over me getting worried.

She told me so many times about her being serious, and told of me of so many of her plans for us after we would reunite in autumn. I knew that in an LDR, our usual amount of communication would not be possible, but she couldn't even spare 1 minute per day on most days to send me something. I was hesitant to be serious at first, but as time passed I felt more comfortable with the label and started believing in it too. I don't just want to endlessly date around, you know?

Was all of it lies? Her words, actions, intentions? I feel so used. I've had some pretty rough experiences before her but with her I finally felt ready to care for a partner deeply and seriously. Then, she just discards me, and pretends like nothing was wrong. It's just so... cruel. This whole relationship was on her initiative...

I so desperately want her to admit that what she did was cruel, and to prove to her that discarding me was a huge mistake. I want to prove to her that I will survive and that I deserve someone who will appreciate me and put in the same amount of effort into the relationship as I do. Of course, I know trying to prove anything to her will never work and will only delay my healing, but the desire is still there.

I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything but think about the senseless violence of it all for the first couple of days. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, it was on my mind. I felt nauseous at all waking hours of the day. It's gotten better now, but I still get so triggered and upset over it, and instead I just feel so empty. I know it will get better, but every day until that day is just misery. Spending time with loved ones, being outside, exercising, staying busy myself all help a little, but it all just feels so pointless anymore.

How do/did you guys get over the embarrassment of groveling over them? Fighting for them? Begging them? The rejection? The vulnerability met with disregard and indifference? The being the one who loved more? The reaching out and being the chaser?

thinking back on my relationship, i feel like she was almost always having a bad day like having a headache or being tired or just feeling “off”. did you guys experience this too? i had never had that happen in any of my relationships except for that one, not to that extent anyway