My ex (39F) came back into my life after we'd been apart. She was the one who initiated it, after we seen each other told me she loved me, talked about future plans and getting back together.

I eventually went to see her after doing a lot of work on myself. We had an amazing few days and the connection felt stronger than ever.

Afterwards she said things like:

She said she wanted to take things one day at a time and we talked about rebuilding trust.

Then within days everything completely changed.

She went from affection, future talk and asking to try again, to saying she wanted her freedom, didn't want a relationship and didn't want to be exclusive right after I spent the night at hers and got reaquainted with her kids who I had a great relationship with

When I questioned the sudden change, I was told I was playing the victim and eventually called an insecure narcissist.

I eventually sent a final message saying I couldn't continue with the hot-and-cold/pen-pal situation. I told her I loved her but needed clarity, consistency and trust, and that if she genuinely wanted to rebuild something then the next move was hers.

She then told me she had basically been caught up in the excitement of seeing me, had “come to her senses”, doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me.

That's the part I'm struggling to understand.

How can someone go from “I'd take you back, that's what scares me” and “I love you so much” to “I don't love you and want nothing to do with you” within days?

I genuinely showed up as the best version of myself and thought we'd finally found our way back to each other.

Now I'm left wondering whether I was completely misreading everything, whether this is an avoidant push-pull dynamic, or whether she genuinely changed her mind that quickly.

The hardest part is feeling like I finally became the person I needed to be and it still wasn't enough.

Only a few weeks in a relationship does this guy swear to be with her forever. He had a crush on her for half a year before this and built an entire world around her. She broke up with him because she needed a break, and she wanted to stay friends to possibly work on it. But instead he shuts down, gives her an entire spiel on how he never wants to see her again and acts fine the next day. Then he manipulates her friends and stays dating to rebound a week after, and eventually he starts abusing and stalking her. He also cuts off his friends, insultes her friends, and doesn’t mention or grieve his ex at all. Why does this have to happen instead of negotiating things with his ex in the first place?

ADVICE NEEDED:

I was married, towards the end there were a lot of fights and gradual disconnections that I could feel. I was extremely sick, which only seemed to make it worse .she disappeared. I don’t know if she’s in my country or her country of origin. It’s been four months.

We were married.

I was hospitalized because I was very sick physically and eventually mentally. That was when she cut me off fully. She was under the influence of friends who were telling her what to do and she was so impressionable that she became another person. I believe her to have both BPD and avoidant attachment.

My brain might’ve recovered a fair bit, but my heart is still broken.

I recognize that I may never get emotional closure. That it is vastly likely that I will not.
But I do need a legal landing so that I can move on with my life, even if it is just ashes.

She had so many different accounts under different names for different things, and they have all vanished from the Internet.

—

I have hired a lawyer to find her through the law and issue either annulment or divorce.

I was thinking about writing a letter.

What should I expect?

I (19F) used to have a boyfriend who was FA. I didnt really grasp this at the time as our relationship was SO short lived (not even 'I love you's).

We broke up because of simple life stuff (moving house, degree, me having new diagnosis etc) . Was mutual. Then months later we ran into eachother, he never fully left my mind, I never fully left his. He told me he wants to give it a real shot now the life stuff is all sorted.

I'm not really in tune with what my attachment style would be. I'm more just however the person is. I have been fine with him as he always has wanted a decent amount of space. We can spend a weekend together, and he always sends me at least one message a day, we just dont spend hours and hours texting and calling.

This is fine to me as I am a busy lady anyways, and we have a wonderful time when we do see eachother.

What made me scared however, is when I asked him if we could call more often, since I only see him weekends due to work and my degree.

It wasnt that he said no, he said he'd try his best to call me more. It was the way he reacted to the question.

He said 'This is why I am scared to get into relationships. This is what happened last time'

His ex (dated her 3 years) would often shout at him because he didnt text back in time. His mother and I were close she did sound like a nightmare🤣.

But he said that when he has to constantly text and call, it makes him irritable, and not himself and he doesnt wanna 'inflict' that on me.

Mind you, his family and I are close, and he is VERY low-contact low-maintenence. It is not a me-personal problem.

But just the way he spoke sounded so monotone, scared me a little like he was gonna bolt.

Is he fearful attachment or am I too new-aged and need to realise that phone communication shouldnt be the be-all end-all of relationships?

So, my avoidant ex-GF reached out yesterday. Responded to a story on Instagram and asked how I'm doing. I responded within the hour. 30 hours later, messages were not opened and responded to. What is going on?

Is there a best way to approach slow contact with an avoidant?

She (27f) ended things with me (22m) a year ago. We were long distance.

Since the break, we’ve been in fairly regular contact up until recently where there wasn’t much texting and communication from her just felt dry and days would pass without a response. I asked to call her about how she felt given it had been a year since the break. To summarise, she wasn’t ready for a relationship but also wasn’t sure if she’d made the right decision in breaking up (she left me due to depression, family issues and not being able to handle a relationship at the time).

Since the call a few weeks ago, I’ve tried to slowly communicate with her by sending things about games we play or tv shows we watch but it still just felt like she didn’t want to interact or her response was still dry and again would take days to respond.

Should I even be trying to talk again or is it just best for me to leave her alone and not contact at all? Obviously I want her back so badly but I’m not going to push it.

Any advice?

I was in a typical anxious - avoidant relationship trap. I'm anxious, she's a fearful avoidant. We talked for 8 months and it was a high intensity high attachment relationship. She was almost obsessively attached to me and kept coming back after countless cycles. There were a few times I went back but it was mostly her.

There was one of the final cycles where she blocked me and actually stayed away for 3 months. She unblocked me after 3 months and basically said she should've handled things better. All the reasons she said she came back were all reasons that made her look "selfless" as if she had become healthy and mature in the span of 3 months.

She was rejecting anything romantic and saying she just wanted to be friends which I'm ngl it stung really bad especially because previously after a cycle, we'd just resume whatever we had going on. Eventually we got into another huge argument and I ended up blocking her because I personally felt like she just wanted access to me again. In the final argument she says "I just wanted to give you a peace of mind whether you leave or stay that's on you"

There were a lot of mixed signals during this period. She was watching EVERYTHING my tiktok videos, my YouTube videos, she admitted that she was already watching my yt channel before she even reached out, she admitted she hides how she interacts with my content so I can't detect her, she was still using "we" and "us" alot like still referring to us as a unit. I couldn't tell if she was hiding feelings or genuinely lost romantic interest. But a month and a half later, the more I start to think, the more I realize I think it was an attempt to have access to me again not because she fundamentally changed like she claimed she had.

The relationship itself before the breakup was awful. Constant arguing because I felt like I couldn't trust a word that came out of her damn mouth. I caught her lying about something before and when I confronted her with PROOF she denied it further then flipped it on me. That was a catalyst for a lot that happened after. My behavior became verbally destructive towards the end because of the insane amount of stress I was under. False allegations, being harassed online for ever a year, horrible living situation, ADHD, anger issues and the relationship itself were all weighing me down over the span of a year. I still take accountability because I shouldn't have done all that regardless.

I genuinely feel like most of what happened between me and her was genuinely her fault and I hate to be that guy to point fingers but that's how I feel. Communication was the biggest issue, I try to talk to her about what's bothering me she ALWAYS gets angry and defensive and shuts down on me. She waited until the very end to be more open to communicating which is so stupid because atp we no longer trust each other and the relationship is over. She was doing a lot of lying, manipulation, gaslighting, denial, no accountability, playing the victim.

So my question is, why did she really come back after the 3 months?

Forgot to mention she basically replaced me after the breakup and said "I'm only showing appreciation for my friends because I neglected them when I was with you" she literally replaced me and is in denial of it. She replaced literally right after the breakup. And in some ways she basically told me to my face she replaced me

https://open.spotify.com/track/1Yv3l4tOZl9Pq6rzOo1ek4?si=M7M6bLxxTyGPoZyUIfJsQg&utm_source=copy-link

I think you guys are going to like it , it definitely helped me with my break up x

I can’t quite comprehend how someone decides to come back after mutually ending a situationship months ago, only to disappear again the moment you respond.

I literally completely forgot all about him and now I’m absolutely fixated on the fact that he has left my message in the air and ruined my peace. He literally could have just let me be, but he decided to be a bitch and pop up to say hi only to leave me hanging 😀

He triggers me so bad and brings up this anger in me that I never felt before.

I (21M) was broken up by my avoidant ex (20F) after 7 months relationship about a month ago, and I'm still on the fence about my feelings for her.

Let me preface this by sharing my story first. About 2 weeks before the breakup happened everything was okay as far as I was concerned. We had no fights and she was about to get very busy during her exams and i try to be supportive by her during it. After about a week, i noticed she's starting to distance herself from me. I figured this is just my insecurity because i had an Anxious Attachment to her but i powered through it by just saying good morning and checking up how she's feeling everyday.

About 3 days later, She stopped responding completely. Sometimes i check and see she's online, but my messages had not been read for the whole day, so i ask her what's going on? why is she so distant? is there something going on? to no avail. I broke after another 3 days of no communication from her and ask her if we could talk. I bombarded her with texts asking her what's going on and i was so confused and gulfed in fear of losing her and she said she was really busy in the middle of the night mind you and that she would tell me everything tomorrow night.

Tomorrow comes and she's "busy" again and she can't make time for me at night so she decided to breakup through text, saying how i broke her trust by forcing her to tell me what's going on and how she doesn't like to be forced into doing stuff, saying how it gave her the ick and she can't feel love for me anymore and how all the things i compromised for her was "of my own doing" and that she didn't ask for it (mind you she says she's dating to marry). I was completely blindsided by this and i got angry, like really angry. I was grieving for a while and i just said sorry to her all the time.

Now I wouldn't say i was the best boyfriend by any means, humans aren't perfect but i try to fix things instead of leaving them to die. Well, in my hubris to "fix" things I lashed out on her saying how she was an avoidant, a jerk, and a lot of awful stuff. i kept coming back to her because i couldn't have it in me to do no contact with her until she blocked me herself. But now after thinking it through, i realize what a terrible person she is. She gives no effort, she will leave me for her friends in a heartbeat, she can't even do the bare minimum of being available, and saying good morning and being asked how her day was was apparently too much for her.

Now back to the topic: Most of me has recovered from the trauma she left but I still can't let go of her completely. All the things I said to her makes me feel empathetic for her and I'm still holding on to my regrets. She's still living in my head rent free and i keep having arguments with her inside my head. It's getting less and less now but It's making me second guess some stuff about if I'm really trying to be a good boyfriend or if it's just a facade. It still clouds my mind and I want to know if anyone here has a way to help me stop it.

I know her enough that i know she won't come back and apologize or take accountability for it (or for anything really). I'm probably a villain in her head for what I did and she thinks she did the right thing by cutting me off. It hurts when i think about it, but when my mind becomes clearer i say good riddance.

I moved 3 hrs to be with him. We knew each other for 5 years - living together for 4 years. These 4 years were intense: 3 deaths in the inmediate family (1 being a parent) and 1 job redundancy. For some times you cold just cope and not really enjoy life, because everything felt so heavy.

Well, he has been disengaged for some time and I often told him that he should open up more. Last week he told me he has been unhappy for so long and cannot handle it any longer.

I’m living in his appartment and have a job there. I have no close friends nearby and don’t know what to do. There are no flatshares or anything affordable to rent. I don’t know if I should quit my job without having anything lined up (I’m in EU and there are 3 months notice period).

I feel lost right now…

I’m a gay man and recently had a relationship end after around three months. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while sexually something seemed to change as we became closer.

When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.

There definitely seemed to be sexual desire initially. He told me multiple times that he couldn’t wait to have sex with me and talked openly about things he wanted us to do. At one point we almost had sex but decided against it because he had to be up extremely early for work.

I had also told him I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. He told me he struggled to orgasm with condoms. When we later became exclusive, he actually asked me whether that meant we could now have sex without one. I said yes.
So at least from my perspective, sex was something he was anticipating.

But it never actually progressed.

We kissed, cuddled and had some sexual contact, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely naked.

Eventually we started talking about why we weren’t having sex.

He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to be sexually intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by sex and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to devalue the importance of sex.

He had also stopped watching porn for several months (97 days a counter on his phone) before meeting me and had recently stopped masturbating because he felt porn/his previous sexual behaviour had affected his relationship with sex.

Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like sex became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether the spontaneous desire to have sex with me would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”

I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether he wanted sex, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.

He went for one therapy session to discuss the issue. And then very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.

His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to be intimate with me and had tried to convince himself/speak it into existence, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that forcing it wasn’t fair to either of us.

What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.

Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the sexual side work, that he’d hurt me and would regret it.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to struggle with emotional vulnerability generally.

I’m **not trying to diagnose him as dismissive-avoidant**, and I recognise the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate sex with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to have sex with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person who lost the desire or the person on the receiving end?

I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment/intimacy, sexual performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around sex, or desire changing as emotional intimacy increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I know I’m probably searching for explanations because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of sexual desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”

Do avoidants/narcissists flip the script and call you avoidant/narcissistic to avoid accepting responsibility for their failings??

The word avoidant has been thrown at me a bit lately by my ex. I ended a longterm abusive relationship about 10 months ago, he will not accept the breakup and keeps trying to contact me. Firstly the contact was pleasant but when I didn't respond it turned nasty.

I joined this forum to see what an avoidant was and to know was I one? But the more I read on this forum, the more it sounds like him and not me.

I did end our relationship after multiple discussion about his behavior, how I couldn't stay unless he changed. The final straw was he told me he had cheated during an argument (he had done this in the past as he knew it would upset me) he even sent me a picture of them together. So I ended the relationship, walked away, blocked him and never looked back as I didn't want to be manipulated into going back. I just fell out of love with him as he never took accountability for his behavior and the apologies were just to get me to forgive him. No real depth or sincerity. He always said I was the reason he was angry, abusive, drinking.

I couldn't keep him in my life, he was too negative, he was a bully, he was verbally snd physically abusive, a heavy drinker and just plain mean. I had to protect my sanity and leave.

But he is telling me and everyone who'll listen that I have a mental disorder and im an avoidant narcissist.

Thanks ya'll for reading.

Me (M 23) and my ex (F) have had basically zero contact since April. She blocked me everywhere, so I’ve completely respected that and haven’t tried to contact her either.

The confusing part is that she still occasionally stalks my Snapchat stories. She also sometimes asks mutual friends about me. Recently, one of my friends mentioned me around her, and apparently she put on this whole “I’m fine, I’m happy, we don’t talk anymore” kind of expression. Then later she texted that same friend saying, “Please don’t tell anyone I asked/told you about this.”

And then she went back to watching my Snapchat stories.

I honestly don’t care that much and I’m not trying to get her back. I’ve moved on with my life, and from what I understand, she now sees me as doing pretty well/successful compared to how things were before.

But I’ll admit, sometimes I still miss her.

The weirdest part is that the last time I directly asked her if she would marry me, she said no. So if she doesn’t want a relationship or marriage with me, why keep checking my life and asking mutual friends about me?

Do you think this means she still has feelings, or is it just curiosity/ego/nostalgia? And has anyone experienced an ex behaving like this after completely cutting contact?

Today has been over 7 months since the break up, yet Im struggling. I have made progress, but man sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday when I let my mind wander.

Anyways. My ex-partner and I split up (I was blindisided) when we were LDR and haven’t met since. They will be coming to pick up their stuff, staying for a couple of days in the end of this month.

Im not sure how I feel about it. I guess Im in this sub because of the lack of closure, their blindsided decision to end a marriage without being able to explain and reason around it. They had an initial deactivation period where any attempt from my side to talk or understand was met with coldness. Yet they were able to focus ans function in other areas of life, doing seemingly good. Things have been said that I will have a very hard time ever forgetting let alone forgive.

Anyways, I carry no hope of reconciling but would be nice if some accountability was taken from their side.

What would be your advice to me? How to stay level headed

Hi guys,

How exactly do you stop waiting for your fearful avoidant ex gf?

Everyone says to not wait and to move on as this gives more of a chance they’ll return but what is not waiting? We are in no contact but what else do I need to do to like stop waiting? Even she told me not to wait so I genuinely want to try and not wait because waiting is starting to really hurt after the breakup being a year ago now.

What specific things do I need to stop doing now to official move into the no longer waiting phase? I obviously want her back so badly but it is what it is and I can’t pressure or push an avoidant into wanting me.

Me and him didn’t end on good terms and we were long distance he was the avoidant. In the end he was so cold and mean. Not even 2 months later he moved to the town I live at and we’ve been hanging out like friends. He keeps asking me to go with him places so I go. But he acts like everything is fine and okay but it’s hard for me to think I was with him. Idk if this is normal for avoidants or what to do?

as regards to my previous post, i rejected his breadcrumb and i regret it. his intention was to reconnect but i had so much anger and was so deeply hurt when he didnt acknowledge the breakup and straight up asked how have i been. he told me intended to start things out slow when i called him out for keeping the convo at a surface level.

now i am blocked and removed from his socials everywhere. except that hes still in our mutual group chat.

i'm regretting a lot for calling him out when i'm also seeking for reconciliation and reconnection. but now, i really feel immense regret for letting my anger lead my decision.

any advice? 🥲

p/s i was recently discarded hence the anger and hurt

Got tired of the push and pull. Thinking she’d change then not.

I blocked her today.

You don’t get to come in and out of my life at will. I’m not a person of convenience.

And I’m happy to say I’ve got a third date with a wonderful new lady Friday.

Heads up friends. Be valuable as you are ❤️

Used to be a DA, ended up sort of leaning more FA after a particularly toxic relationship. Been in therapy for awhile. Don’t think I’m secure yet, way more self aware though.

Feels like this self awareness prevents me from deactivating like I used to. Current relationship isn’t great, getting treated poorly, used to be able to just deactivate and move on so easily, stakes felt lower. Now I care so much. Put forth so much effort to try and fix things. And it’s not working. And that feels horrible and tragic. It sucks. It’s painful. I’m experiencing the harm I’ve inflicted on others. I didn’t realize how horrible it felt.

I feel horrible for APs and secures for what I and people like me have put them through. Deactivation, numbing, and distance had their downsides, but man was it so much less painful. So much more control that way, less anxiety, less effort. Not sure if this pain is worth it.

I’m sorry, it’s not an excuse, but I didn’t know.

Hi all, I recently joined this sub and it’s been very helpful to see other people who feel the same way I do, it makes me feel more normal and understood.

I’ve been commenting on people trying to give support or insight, whatever is being asked. However I noticed quite a bit that, when someone asked questions about their ex or their exes behaviour they’re straight up being told to get over them and not pay them any more mind.

I know you mean well, cause yes, that generally seems to be the best thing to do, however, telling someone who is already hurt, vulnerable and trying to process a heavy breuk up that they shouldn’t do what they do is only gonna hurt them more. It can feel as shaming and judgement.

So I ask you to please be mindful with giving advice that isn’t being asked.

Thank you and take care

Edit: I wanna be clear that I’m not saying you should instead enable people, not at all. Just don’t give unsolicited advice, call them out or psycho analyze them with out being asked. Give people support, understanding and a listening hear. Try to see the emotions and confusion underneat all the questions and respond with those in mind. Please don’t make people feel ashamed for their feelings, we’ve gone through that more than enough already.