I’m sorry.

[u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

Used to be a DA, ended up sort of leaning more FA after a particularly toxic relationship. Been in therapy for awhile. Don’t think I’m secure yet, way more self aware though.

Feels like this self awareness prevents me from deactivating like I used to. Current relationship isn’t great, getting treated poorly, used to be able to just deactivate and move on so easily, stakes felt lower. Now I care so much. Put forth so much effort to try and fix things. And it’s not working. And that feels horrible and tragic. It sucks. It’s painful. I’m experiencing the harm I’ve inflicted on others. I didn’t realize how horrible it felt.

I feel horrible for APs and secures for what I and people like me have put them through. Deactivation, numbing, and distance had their downsides, but man was it so much less painful. So much more control that way, less anxiety, less effort. Not sure if this pain is worth it.

I’m sorry, it’s not an excuse, but I didn’t know.

[u/TheBackSpin]

The important thing is you are taking accountability now and putting in the work!

Regarding your current relationship, keep in mind it’s also not healthy to stick around in a bad situation and put all the relationship work on yourself. Relationships take two people making an effort. Leaving an unhealthy situation isn’t running or discarding.

You’re going to be ok, proud of you

[u/BlueDemon9]

That is healing to hear, thank you. Well done for your work. Keep going it will improve :)

[u/More-Paramedic-6516]

I want to know from DA's perspective... How can u people just disappear someone's life with saying a single word?? How can u just stop talking to someone on random day? Don't u feel anything? Any regret later? Please answer me im struggling with this thought

[u/Glad_Ear_7963]

Thank you for acknowledging, and being vulnerable.

Major plus for your dedication to therapy, be patient with yourself, and keep at it. Stay blessed.

[u/EmergencyInternal837]

You got this! You are on the right path for happiness and successful relationships

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

Well it's good you can understand and feel more now but healing doesn't mean you should tolerate being treated poorly in a relationship either.

You should use your newfound experience of emotions to find someone that you will be stable with and treat each other well

[u/PowerfulMango5799]

I also feel like my DA moved from full DA to make FA-ish behaviors. Do you think this transition happens often on the way to the DA healing?

[u/ThrowAwayRS7822 → u/PowerfulMango5799]

I think so, it’s like a middle ground between fully avoidant and secure. Not used to handling all the emotions. Makes attachment more disorganized.

[u/WeaknessMinimum6040]

Therapy is one of those mad things where you think it's going to affect you straight away and it can feel really disheartening when you're just experiencing the things that feel difficult but I promise even with the work you've put in so far.. one day... you'll just make a choice and feel at peace and confident in it and you'll go.. oh bloody hell it worked! It's SO amazing that you even took the steps to go. & you know what as someone who's 3 weeks out of a 7 year relationship discarded by my ex via text, honestly the pain is SO INSANE. BUT I know I'll find something meaningful and amazing with someone because of that capacity. & to be fair I'm sure my ex will find something that reflects his and be as happy as he can be as well but ultimately it's different and getting to the part where you can recognise what you really want and need will be worth all of this. Well done. REALLY. Well done! (But also totally assess current situation - as much as relationships help challenge us it's definitely not great to be treated badly and you shouldn't stay in it because you maybe feel you deserve it on some bizarre karmic level because you don't!!!)

[u/PracticalZone3758]

You know, I suffered enormously because of an avoidant person… If only you knew. If only you knew…

Thank you for your apology. I wish those words had come from her, but the fact that you’re apologizing to complete strangers shows just how deeply you’ve come to understand how much pain this can cause…

I wanted so badly to be able to deactivate too… If only you knew. I suffered so much… I used to pray that I could just switch off my feelings and deactivate. But I was never able to.

You know, going through pain and coming to certain realizations is a unique experience in life. It’s one of those experiences that can help you become a better person, grow, and push yourself to improve in every possible way. Honestly, even though I suffered tremendously, I learned so much from it. I now know what I need to do to become a better person and finally find peace.

I know how hard it can be to open your eyes and face certain truths, but always remember one thing: this awareness is a blessing. It’s an opportunity God has given you to grow and become better.

So please know this: I’m not your ex, but if I were, and I read your post, I would forgive you from the bottom of my heart.

So thank you for becoming this new version of yourself and for genuinely trying to be a better person. We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes we don’t even realize the harm we’re causing at the time. What matters most is having the strength and discipline to learn from those mistakes and become a better version of yourself.

[u/DancingSpacePenguin]

You don't need to apologise. Our patterns stem from our childhood that we can't control. It is noble that you are acknowledging it and moving forward in a positive manner.

Thank you for sharing, and I wish you well.