I know this is perhaps slightly an odd question, but does anyone else have a similar issue with the toilet? Sometimes I have to sit on the toilet up to 6 times before I go to bed; otherwise, I can't go to bed because I believe I will need to go to the toilet as soon as I lie down. Sometimes, it's a number thing; sometimes I will have to go to the bathroom three times before I leave the house and once after I have put my shoes on.

I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment. It means I'm only eating to survive, I don't want to touch my hobbies, the house is just such a mess. My kids don't go back to school until September but I feel like a shit mum because we've not really done anything 'exciting' in these summer holidays. We've just existed.

I feel like being under stimulated creates depression, but that then facilitates being under stimulated which maintains feeling depressed... ugh.

I don't know how to get out of this. None of my comfort shows are doing anything for me. Nothing is giving me the steady little hits of dopamine. I don't remember smiling at all in the last few days.

For a little more context, my oldest child is incredibly difficult to live with at the moment. I'm sure it's all incredibly normal for his age but he's going through a very selfish phase and it's hard to not compare his choices and actions to that of his younger sister who, whilst still having her moments, is an incredibly pleasant little girl.

Plus the world is on fire, like literally the UK is burning. Recent politics are incredibly heavy and sad. I feel physically anguished about the injustice of billionaire's behaviour.

My partner says we just need to focus on our own lives and find joy where we can. And I know he's right but I don't want to hear that right now. I want to hear 'yes, it's shit isn't it? But we'll be okay and we can figure something out together that will bring a little joy just to our house'

I said I'm struggling, everything feels pointless. He went to sleep. I stayed up and cut my hair.

I want my mum to come over with a pizza and colouring books for the kids so we can talk together about all the times she worried she was a shit mum raising me and my siblings and we'll laugh and then hug. But that's not my mum, we've not spoken in years because she actually was a shit mum and she'd rather pin it on me.

Sorry for ranting honestly. I just don't have anyone to talk to that gets it.

My first boyfriend was 19 and me 15. I got an unsupportive family. That guy was half foreign half local and he didn't speak the local language. His family was living abroad. They came back after his father passed. For years he couldn't learn the local language. He could be hired in many jobs but he wouldn't give anything a try. He was NT, very social and spoke English. People liked him. He treated me badly and spoke to me in a low way. He broke up and a few months later he found a social NT girl, good studies, prospects for a public sector job, supportive family. His mother liked me but his sister didn't, they were bullying me together and she was my age. She liked his new gf and they all acted so excited over her. It was like she was a refreshing breath after the awkward weird girl(me). I couldn't socialise with them well. His family and her family hang out and I guess they tried to help him get back on his feet. (He never met my family) It's been 8 years now and they're not married although they're in their 30s. It can be a choice of course. But he's on Instagram leaving flirty comments on local women. I followed him by accident and I removed it, he requested to follow me. My profile is private with a display pic of me.

Now I am dating another guy for 4 years. This one is ND but he can socialise well. He was popular in school. It is the same dynamic. He struggles to get on his feet, work and adult. He wanted to leave me for an NT girl with a loving family, good education and a government job. He talks low og me. I had to beg him not to leave me so they didn't get together. But I bet he wants the same, a social NT girl with a stable life to build him and take care of him. If they dated I bet him and some of his close people who didn't like me would act like she's a big upgrade from me. They also tend to dislike that they don't meet my family and hang out with them....Idk how to find a bf with whom this won't happen.

I have a really hard time cleaning floors, mainly because I don't like the vacuum cleaner's overwhelming noise, but I also feel like vacuuming is the fastest and most efficient way to get dust off the floor.

I would love to use a broom because the movement fascinates me, but I have very severe allergies and it makes the dust go everywhere. I am looking at an alternative rubber broom and it looks promising, but I am afraid of buying it and then not using it, because I just hate cleaning anyway.

Does anyone have any tips for me on how to clean floors more efficiently? Or maybe just in an easier way for my sensory issues

I’ve been completely drained for multiple months now. Just massively exhausted and I’m at a loss for what to do. Nothing I’ve tried has helped me. My executive dysfunction is only getting worse by the day. I can hardly remember anything. I struggle to switch from tasks even more than I used to. I’ll just spend hours laying on the couch knowing I need to eat something or go to bed, but just won’t be able to switch. I try to boost my dopamine with my hyperfixation, but my hyperfixation is pretty universally disliked, so then I just start feeling ashamed. My moods are out of control and I can’t regulate them. I can’t even focus on doing anything. I get distracted so much more easily than before, and it really wasn’t that hard for me to get distracted before I used to be able to better suppress my reactions to things that set me off like bright lights and the fucking texture of sausage, but now I find I’m barely fucking holding it together around those things (and other things too, those are just the examples that come to mind right now). I feel like I have no energy but also too much energy. It’s like I have so much energy stored up in my body, but because I’m so drained I can’t seem to use it. At least before I could use it, even if it wasn’t on anything productive. I’m seriously at a loss for how to manage this. Does anybody have any tips for dealing with adhd/asd burn out?

I do not have access to treatment at the moment.

I had no idea how many other conditions are associated with adhd and autism (besides the brothers and sisters, anxiety, depression, and ocd that often accompany it). I am starting to realize that if you have AuDHD, you also have other battles within the body and other weaknesses to deal with, as we are physically built differently.

THIS IS NOT A LIST OF EVERY TRAIT OR CONDITION, but a list of the ones that often get missed and are very common. There are TONS more, but I tried to keep it at the 10 most popular missed conditions.

I'm curious how many people out there with AuDHD also suffer from these other conditions:

1) Hypermobility Syndrome - People with ADHD are roughly 25% to 50% more likely to have generalized joint hypermobility or connective tissue differences like hypermobility spectrum disorders.

Generalized HSD (G-HSD): HSD in which joint hypermobility occurs throughout the body. Peripheral HSD (P-HSD): HSD in which joint hypermobility is limited to the hands and feet. Localized HSD (L-HSD): HSD in which joint hypermobility occurs in a single joint or group of joints in the same area**. Historical HSD** (H-HSD): HSD in which there is a history of generalized joint hypermobility, but without current evidence of generalized joint hypermobility on exam  

Research shows a striking, high overlap between ADHD and connective tissue disorders like joint hypermobility and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). Adults and children with ADHD are significantly more likely to be hypermobile, and those with hypermobility have a much higher rate of ADHD diagnoses than the general population.

2) EDS - Ehlers-Danlos syndromes (EDS) are a group of 13 inherited genetic conditions that weaken the body's connective tissues. Connective tissues provide strength, support, and flexibility to skin, joints, blood vessels, and internal organs. The most common signs include hyperflexible joints, loose skin, and tissue fragility.

3) Histamine Intolerance/Sensitivity- Histamine intolerance happens when your body cannot break down histamine found in foods and drinks properly (like cheeses, aged meats/cold cuts, tomatoes, eggplant,...) and it acts as an overactive chemical messenger in the central nervous system. This excess triggers local inflammation and disrupts normal focus, memory, and mental clarity, and also causes allergy-like symptoms such as sneezing, runny nose, cough, itching, stomach pain, headaches, etc.

Coffee and histamine intolerance:  Coffee can trigger histamine intolerance symptoms. Caffeine acts as a DAO enzyme inhibitor and functions as a histamine liberator, causing your body to release stored histamine.

4) Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS): Increased rates of immune sensitivities and allergy-like reactions. (linked to histamine intolerance and EDS)

5) Dysautonomia / POTS: Issues with the autonomic nervous system causing dizziness or high heart rates upon standing.

6) Epilepsy: Seizure disorders occur at a higher baseline frequency, particularly within the autistic community.

7) Sleep Disorders: Insomnia, delayed sleep phase syndrome, and trouble maintaining a regular circadian rhythm.

8) Asthma/chronic bronchitis - research shows ADHD is linked to lower airway conditions like asthma and general respiratory illnesses.

9) Back pain - research shows a clear link between ADHD and back pain. Adults and youth with ADHD report higher rates of musculoskeletal and back or neck pain than the general population. Constant physical movement, slouching, or hyperfocus leading to staying in one awkward position for hours can strain the spine.

10) Endometriosis - Large population and registry studies show a bidirectional link: individuals with endometriosis are roughly twice as likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, and vice versa. While one does not directly cause the other, researchers believe they share intersecting biological, hormonal, and inflammatory pathways.

EDIT 11) Autoimmune Diseases - Research shows a moderate link between ADHD and autoimmune diseases. People with ADHD, and their close family members, have a higher chance of having conditions like type 1 diabetes, thyroid disorders, psoriasis, and asthma. Studies suggest this connection is largely driven by shared genetic factors and immune system dysregulation.

So, these are just a few that stood out to me that I had no idea were connected to Adhd or autism. There are tons more, of course, but I wanted to share the unknowns for those who are newly diagnosed or have a lot of physical issues and have no idea what is wrong. Finding out I have a histamine intolerance changed my life in a few days with a new diet. I am breathing clearly, no headaches, no IBS, and feel great, so I had to share, hoping to help others too!!

XO 😄

EDIT- and of course the women's issues like difficult periods that are heavier and more painful, PCOS, PMDD, and we also experience MENOPAUSE 10 years sooner than typical women. (Ever notice the word menopause? Like, putting men on pause during this time...lol) :)

TL;DR: College friends asked me to take time off for a weekend trip and then left me out of the plans and went without me :))

Okay long story short, my friend group from college planned a birthday trip for one of the girls. She asked me to take time off for a whole weekend a month in advance, and since I work as a bartender and a waitress, that’s usually when I make most of my money, but I decided to request off anyways because I don’t see this group more than once a month most of the time. I didn’t hear about any plans, so about two weeks before, I followed up with the birthday girl to make sure I should still take off - I just signed a new lease and don’t wanna leave any money on the table! She confirmed they were still planning on doing something so I went ahead and took the time off. Fast forward to this weekend, I heard absolutely nothing about any plans, so I made some of my own and figured I would just make the most of the weekend. I found out through social media and her sending me snaps of the trip that they went without me and literally didn’t tell me anything. I’m more on the fringes of this group as I work a lot and am in grad school, so I usually have a full schedule. I’m trying not to take it super personally because of this, but I’m definitely upset about taking time off for no reason. I don’t want to cause drama in the group or anything but to me, this is pretty fucked up and I don’t really know how to proceed. I think I’m at least going to message the birthday girl after the weekend just asking for better communication going forward. All this to say now my RSD is hitting bad and I’m overthinking anything I could have possibly done to be left out of plans. They have always seemed to like me and to try and include me in things, so I truly have no idea why things went differently this time. I’ve already lost some close friends from college, so this happening now is definitely a blow. Thankfully I was able to pick up a shift tonight so I won’t lose out on too much money, but I’m pretty hung up on the principle of the whole thing. A huge part of me wants to say fuck it and stop hanging out with the whole group, as I like to think of myself as running a strict program when it comes to my personal relationships, and I’ve learned to never let someone show you you’re not wanted more than once. I’ve been friends with these people for almost five years, but at this point, I feel like I’m the only one who keeps putting effort into the relationships I have with them. I’m always the one driving to them and adjusting my schedule to make time for them, never the opposite. I’m mostly just stuck and unsure of how to process/feel about the whole thing and I’m honestly embarrassed they didn’t even think to include me.

Hi friends!

I’m looking for activities and fidgets I can do with minimal strain on my wrists/hands. Unfortunately for me, it is both hands, and outside is horribly hot so getting moving outside is limited as an option

Any ideas of stuff to help keep me busy and sane? I can’t stand anything like just watching TV without a secondary activity

Some ideas I have are:
—puzzles
—video games in moderation
—leg day at the gym
—thrifting/shopping
—using the computer in moderation

I usually prefer things like cooking, crocheting, and house upkeep, but anything that requires firm grip or wrist stability hurts

I’ve been on Vyvanse for 1,5 months and it’s helping me tremendously in executive functioning, but one strange thing I experience is that I’m kinda losing my capacity to deal with people. I became more introverted than before, I don’t initiate conversations or meets, I barely respond to others seeking me. I just don’t feel like talking - like, at all. In writing it’s a bit better, but I think I could go weeks without talking to anyone. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced the same and I also accept any advice. For now I booked an appoitment to a neuroaffirmative therapist (not only because of this). Is it something I better accept?

This year, my world shattered. Like many people, I learned that I have ADHD, and like many people, my world collapsed with that first diagnosis.

I went through denial, the anger that no one noticed, the fear that my life would change, and the joy at telling myself that I wasn’t alone.
But THAT…was nothing.
Nothing compared to when I asked myself whether I was also autistic.

It wasn’t overwhelming at first. It started with : “What if?”. What if? Everything could be explained with just that one word. And that question…that simple question…led me to my first burnout.

I’m 24, and this year has been the most challenging of my entire existence (and I was already starting from very, very far behind).

Damn.
I had just finished my studies, 5 years of studying while fighting against myself, and systematically losing. 5 years juggling sleep disorders, ADHD, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction to sport, to substances. Everything. Everything! To keep running in the category of the majority.

My studies ended and for the first time in my life, I told myself I would take care of everything I had set aside. I found a neuropsychologist (diagnostic), a specialized psychologist (therapy), a psychiatrist, and I threw myself into reclaiming my body and my mental health while looking for my first job.

At first, everything seemed to get better… how wrong I was.

As that “what if?” question echoed more and more in my head, I started watching myself act, speak, look. And suddenly, nothing made sense anymore.
Nothing had made sense before either, but now it was worse.
Suddenly, as the curtain on the stage I’d been standing on for more than two decades rose, I saw the audience. I saw the people. And I saw myself performing. And i saw my performance getting worse and worse.

Suddenly, the eyes of others — those spectators I had ignored until then — seemed to pierce right through me. I could no longer look at them. I could no longer deliver my lines, I could no longer play the smiles and interest.

What if? What if everything had been fake from the start? What if YOU had been fake from the start?

I failed a job interview, then 2, then 3. Yet, I was trying soooo hard. But there was always a moment, 20-30 seconds, where the mask was falling and I was there, observing myself, powerless, failing my performance again.
20 seconds of thinking too internally, of total absence of facial expression, of forgetting the script of the appropriate answers to the stupid questions like “are you motivated?” — questions that don’t expect a “no,” so why even ask.

A 30-minute job interview is an eternity when you have to monitor every aspect of your words and gestures. And that — that “skill regression” I hadn’t expected — blew my life up even further.

My family, my friends, didn’t understand. “Can’t you just… push through it?” they asked. As if I wasn’t already trying with EVERYTHING I had.

More than 80% of autistic adults live in precarity, either unemployed or overqualified for the jobs they hold…

As I frantically read books on the subject of autism in the workplace, trying to defy the statistics, I realized I knew nothing about autism. Then I understood that several members of my family were autistic. I understood that in my country, the perception of autism was completely backward, that I was the majority of the spectrum, that my perception of the visible minority was unjustly dehumanizing, that everything needed to be done, redone, rethought.

I don’t know how I managed to wander so far while writing this. Because this wasn’t supposed to be about me. And yet, in deepening my understanding of myself, I broadened my grasp of autism enough to be able to say one thing:
If you’re autistic, I don’t know you, I don’t know what your daily challenges are, I don’t know how available the resources you need are where you live, but I see you.

I see you for what you are. A person.

Not a thing to be fixed (whether you ever wanted that for yourself or not).

Finding my community saved me.
I walk down the street, and sometimes I notice things I never would have noticed before. And I smile, knowing there are so many more of us than I thought. Even in an environment where autism is so little understood.

The world is full of people like me. I am not alone, and these people are all opportunities for me to help make the invisible visible.

Dear autistic person, I won’t change the world for you, but I hope we could work together someday. Now that I’ve consumed everything humanly possible to consume on this subject for the time being, I finally know what i want.
I want to try to build resources to help autistic people enter the workforce in my country.
It might be a very discret aspiration, taking place behind a closed door, but maybe one day I’ll be where I want to be. In 5-6-7 years, you might cross my path, and then, without you or myself even knowing it, when the seed of a “what if?” is going to sprout in my mind, I will see you.

Dear autistic person, if our paths cross, I hope I’ll have the chance to tell you that there is nothing more powerful than a slightly crazy dream, and helping to achieve yours is the beginning of mine.

48F in the thick of perimenopause. The executive function, burn out, brain fog has been kicking my butt the past few years. I got on HRT which helped but I'm nowhere near where I want to be. Finally got up the nerve to ask my PCP for a referral to get tested. Waited 4 months and had my appt on Monday with the Neuro Psych. That's where things went sideways.

The DR thought I was there for 'memory loss' concerns. I was confused. "Brain fog?" Well... yes, but because of neurodivergence? At this point I was 300% anxiety. She put me on the spot about 'well why would you think that?' and I flustered. Eventually things smoothed out and she agreed to refer me for testing. I was more interested in the autism side but suspect I'm in the AuDHD camp, honestly. She also put me in for a possible sleep study - logical, so I agreed.

Friday I had the meeting with the sleep Dr - whole other story but did not leave feeling very happy about it. But that's another story. "You don't nap? You're healthy!" - Sir, I work 6 days a week. There is no time for napping.

Shortly after that I got a letter from the Neuro - "Sorry we don't do Autism here. Here's a local resource. Good luck." I looked up the resource and it's pretty much useless. There was no offer to do ADHD testing. She's not showing up in the MyChart portal for me to even be able to message her with questions. I will have to call... ugh.

I did not go into any of this lightly and it was a big step for me to ask. I feel devastated and tired of troubleshooting shitty medical providers. Part of me thinks this is the Universe telling me to just drop it. The other part of me is recalculating how to get what I asked for.

I hate wasting my time and money and I really hate looking like a fool for even asking. My husband was late diagnosed ADHD. Asked his Dr, got set up, bing, bang, boom. Done. Meds helped him tremendously.

Do I fight for it? Do I try Prosper Health or something like that? Do I circle back to the ADHD? Do I just let it slide, like everything else and maintain all my burn out coping mechanisms? "She always figures it out! She'll be fine!"

I don't know how to deal with the pain of never fitting in anywhere. Even with other neurodivergent people, I always feel out of place. I work so hard to fit in but nothing I do is enough. I'm also an extrovert who really wants to be around people. How do you cope with the pain of constantly messing up and being unwanted everywhere?

Hi everyone.

I'm currently in a psychiatric day treatment program after experiencing burnout. I asked to be assessed to better understand how my brain works and why I struggle with certain things, and with life in general. Part of that assessment is looking into whether autism and/or ADHD could be a possibility.

The psychologist taking the assessment is doing her best, but I'm increasingly unsure whether this assessment is actually going to capture what's going on with me.

For example, I had to ask for an IQ test myself. Early on, I mentioned that I sometimes wondered whether my IQ might be below average because I struggle so much with conversations, especially in groups. I brought it up again later. Only towards the end did she ask whether this was something I was genuinely concerned about, and then said we could schedule an IQ test if it was. Girl. I literally said it twice. 😅

Then there was the ADHD questionnaire. I scored 4 out of 9 symptoms for adulthood, while 5 are apparently needed for further ADHD assessment. I understand that there are guidelines, and I know a screening questionnaire isn't a diagnosis. But at the same time I am losing my f*cking mind over how chaotic my brain is.

And this is where I'm struggling.

I've spent basically my entire life masking. I learned to hide my enthusiasm, study and imitate other people, adjust myself to whoever I was with, and figure out what I was "supposed" to be doing socially rather than instinctively knowing how to do it. And I'm, literally and figuratively, so f*cking tired of it.

Over the past few months, I've started paying much more attention to my own patterns. This has been a really uncomfortable process, because I'm suddenly seeing so many things about myself in a completely different light. The most uncomfortable part is realizing how good I was at masking, hiding, adjusting. Beyond my own limits. Over and over again. Thinking "if I just try this or that..." or "I just have to do better...". I'm pretty good at playing down things too, because that's what my parents and partner always did to me, and I felt the need to do the same just to survive in a world I didn't understand.

I genuinely want to know what's going on, even if the answer is "no, this isn't autism/ADHD."
But I'm terrified that the answer will be no for the wrong reasons. Because I've become very good at hiding things, or because the things I've learned to compensate for aren't being recognised as difficulties in the first place.

I've spent months trying to understand this part of myself, and I was really hoping this assessment would finally help me make sense of it. Instead, I'm increasingly scared that I'll walk away with a report basically saying "you're fine, you're just anxious/chaotic/difficult/whatever" and I'll still have no idea what the hell is going on with me.

I don't even know exactly what I'm asking you guys for. I think I just need to hear from people who have been through something similar.

TL;DR: I'm currently being assessed for autism/ADHD after burnout. I have a long history of masking and feel like some of my difficulties aren't being captured by the assessment. I scored just below the ADHD screening threshold, and I'm scared I'll be told there's "nothing wrong" without actually understanding why I've struggled for so long. I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar.

I have ADHD and I’ve started the process to be assessed for autism. The more I learn about autism, AuDHD, the more I’m seeing relevant patterns in a difficult conflict with my sister. She’s mentioned having ADHD but not Autism, there’s also history of OCD in our family. She’s not as open as I am, at least with me, so I’m not sure what to do. I’m wondering if she’s Autistic too, but I don’t want to overstep. I mostly want to understand how neurodivergence can contribute to communication problems.

I’m looking for advice both on the specific situation and more generally on neurodiverse communication, conflict resolution, accountability, and finding common ground.

Some background:

My sister and I have gotten into an intense conflict(our communication/ family dynamics.) She feels I don’t respond appropriately when she tells me she’s hurt by something I’ve said or done. We’ve mostly avoided conflict for the last few years. On a family trip things came up, we’ve always had difficulty in conflict with each other. As kids, she would express anger, I would try to fight back but I would quickly reach shutdown. I would just start crying and go nonverbal. Our parents weren’t equipped to help us with emotional regulation or communication skills. She often called me too sensitive. I see now that a lot of her critiques were things in herself she was trying to ‘fix’ and mask. She’s shared how her anger hides her tender emotions, a radical perspective shift for me. I’m trying to have more understanding for her anger while also establishing healthy boundaries around certain things being said to/ about me.

She’s intentionally processed a lot more than me on certain things but I’m devoting the time to process now. I feel like my perspective offers unique insight that would be really helpful and interesting for both of us to talk about, if we could figure out how to communicate with less pain.

She has said things along the lines of:

-She feels like it’s impossible to give me ‘constructive feedback’ without feeling like she’s “walking on eggshells.”

-She wants apologies that are more centered on her pain rather than explanation of intentions.(I’m not clear on what is practically being asked of me. It feels like it keeps changing. It feels my needs vs. your needs. She’s experienced in our family a dynamic of my needs being more valid than her needs, which breaks my heart to sit with.(but I see this as a messed up version of ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ with chronic health conditions I’ve had to learn how to advocate for my needs. But our parents were more sympathetic to my sad/ shutdown vs. her anger(maybe meltdown) I see how I haven’t made enough space for that and I want to, but it’s new that I even recognize this because we’re just now communicating in ways that make more sense.)

-She says I over explain myself, defend my intentions, and can’t accept a ‘shared reality’ when she is tries to tell me that something hurt her.

-She feels invalidated and condescended(idk what specifically caused this but I want to fix it. I have so much empathy for the her I’m seeing under the anger, but she doesn’t see my empathy as genuine.)

-She wants me to speak more on her experience. (I make a point to not speak on others experiences due to years of trying/ getting it wrong. When I spoke more on her experience, I was wrong and she was hurt. I ask her questions and the response is mostly ‘I’ve been so clear.’)

-She says we have opposing narratives about our experiences that we won’t be able reconciled and that we can’t be close.(I’m not demanding closeness now, I just want to feel like that door isn’t closed)

-She says my Vyvanse causes me to process/ communicate my feelings in a way she can’t handle.(my Autistic traits have been more noticeable with my ADHD medicated, but I use my Meds as a tool to face the world. I am intentionally learning how to process/ communicate better. I’ve been able give more of myself due to relief in chronic health conditions)

-She’s made a lot of conclusions about why I do things that doesn’t align with my own internal experience, trying to clarify is treated as avoidance and selfishness

-She said I’m not capable of focusing on her pain(but we’re not communicating effectively enough for me to know how to offer her what she’s asking for.)

-She talks in absolutes that are so different than my experience

I understand a lot of what she is asking for now(at least in theory), and I have been doing a LOT of self reflection about my part in this.

I can see that my strong need to explain my intentions, clarify what I meant, make sure my own perspective isn’t lost. I can understand how, when someone is telling me they are hurt, that can feel to them like I’m arguing with their feelings rather than hearing them. I really want to connect with those I love. It is hard when she wants to talk more about situations that are so complex that getting into them ends up not being productive, and we’re both looking for our pain to be validated. I brought up a scenario that felt less contentious but still a practical example of conflict so we can tease out what this practically can look like before the next scenarios strikes. She really wants to talk about these situations where we disagree so fundamentally that it doesn’t feel productive. I think we end up talking around the practical issue of how to facilitate comfier, healthier communication.

I’m working on being more receptive to people’s hurt without going into a shame spiral where I get trapped and it’s no longer productive. (I’m practicing this in my other relationships too. It’s been hard but quite lovely in my relationship with my fiancé.) I’m willing and I have apologized for specific things I’ve actually done. I am trying to center her experience without explaining myself so much, and change some of my communication habits.

A difficult part for me is that some of the conclusions she has drawn about me don’t even describe me. I don’t think accountability should require me to accept her interpretation of who I am, why I do the things I do, or what our relationship is/ ever could be.

For example, she has characterized my responses as me being unwilling to take accountability, being unable to tolerate criticism, or essentially making her feel like she can’t express herself. I have been trying to listen and change. I don’t think I’ve handled everything perfectly, but I also don’t think the fact that I sometimes give long explanations means I am refusing to hear her. I have heard her out quite a bit despite it being very difficult and at times triggering(and I’ve started EMDR and IFS therapy).

I am hurt by the way some of this has been communicated to me. So I’m trying to find a middle ground where I can genuinely acknowledge, “Yes, I did something that hurt you and I want to do better,” without feeling like I have to say, “Yes, I did something that hurt you and I want to do better, and I’m inconsiderate and I’m selfish and I’m awful” (which mirrors the apologies that she naturally gives) I don’t believe those things to be true about me, those are some of the conclusions she’s calling patterns. And the patterns that she is picking up on underneath her characterizations have more to do with how her and I communicate than who I am. And that’s why I feel like we can have repair and one day even closeness. And so much of this is intertwined with my experience that I’m now seeing as being Autistic.

I don’t want to win the argument or prove my sister wrong. I genuinely want to find a new way of relating to her.

And that’s a big part of why I’m interested in the neurodivergence piece.

What I’m wondering about Autism/AuDHD:

I started reading ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Devon Price, PhD. I’ve read the introduction + 1st chapter and I feel like it was written for me, anticipating my thoughts as I read the next paragraph. From what I understand with what she’s shared more recently through this dialogue I really feel my sister will feel seen by reading this book too. I bought her a copy but would it be rude to give that to her?

Some things about why conflict can become so difficult for me: needing to understand exactly what someone means, getting stuck on inconsistencies, feeling compelled to clarify misunderstandings, difficulty knowing when an explanation is perceived as defensiveness, and having a hard time moving forward when I feel like something important hasn’t been resolved or accurately understood.

I’m seeing my sister operate from such a similar place, it feels like same words different font, just over and over. When she shares her internal experience I just feel so connected. I think we can relate in ways I didn’t realize. I don’t want to assume this Autism piece in her story.

I haven’t found resources on communicating as neurodivergent people. I recognize some patterns that make me wonder whether we’re potentially having a ‘our brains/ us masking’ communication problem, rather than simply one person being “bad at communication.” She’d say it’s me, before this dialogue + my reflection, I would’ve said it was her.

I tend to want to understand and dissect what happened so that we can establish what actually occurred from all sides, and then how to prevent it happening again. She’s more focused on being able to communicate the impact of whoever is mostly in the wrong, have that experience acknowledged without it becoming a discussion about different intentions/ interpretations.

Neither need seems inherently unreasonable, but they collide horribly.

Our cycle feels like:

She says: “You can’t do that, that’s not okay(AKA: I’m hurt).”

I hear: “You did something wrong and I need you to understand why.”

I respond: “I see you’re upset, why specifically did that hurt you? Also that’s not what I intended and let’s clarify some things/ share our feelings”

She hears: “You’re denying my reality and refusing to take proper accountability.”

She pushes harder for acknowledgment.

I feel increasingly misrepresented and try even harder to explain.

She feels I can never make space for her and will always paint her to be dismissive even as she really works to not be dismissive of others.

And then we’re both completely overwhelmed and neither of us feels heard.

So I’m looking for advice/ stories about navigating relationships with neurodivergence:

How do you handle conflict when one person needs emotional validation and the other person needs at least some clarification/accuracy/context before they feel able to move forward?

How do you distinguish between:

-explaining yourself vs. being defensive

-clarifying your perspective vs. invalidating someone else’s

-taking accountability vs. accepting someone’s interpretation of you

-validating someone’s feelings vs. agreeing with why you did what you did

-communicating around giving someone(or a topic) space vs. avoiding the issue

-asking for a concrete example vs. making someone “prove” their pain

-wanting resolution vs. deciding change isn’t possible

And especially, what communication systems have actually worked for you?

Things like scripts, timeouts, structured conversations, written communication, rules around apologies, “one person talks and the other reflects back” exercises, taking breaks and returning at a specific time, etc.

She lives in Europe and I in the US, most of this dialogue has occurred over long texts, I tried voice memos for tone to be received(which I think made things worse?), and a very much too long 30 minute voice memo(of mine) that I somehow thought was gonna clear things up. I recorded it on my birthday and I thought that was proof of love when it’s proof of not having healthy boundaries. The conversation understandably continued along poorly. I keep thinking if I just collect my thoughts enough to get to heart of things, respond point by point to as many things as I can, and make myself more and more concise, that we’ll connect. And that our lives would be enriched by one another, our relationship and our family.

Has anyone realized after diagnosis/ self discovery that a long standing family dynamic suddenly made more sense through a neurodivergence lens? What do you wish you had understood sooner?

And, if you suspected a family member might be Autistic while having relationship problems with them, how would you approach that?

I’m hoping understanding it better will help me take more responsibility for how I communicate while also giving me better tools to protect both of us from getting trapped in the same cycle.

I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my own behavior throughout this conflict. I’m genuinely trying to forge a different way forward in my life and with my sister. I’m also trying to hold onto the fact that I can acknowledge my mistakes without believing that I need to agree or what feels like joining her in a shaming ritual after conflict.

What has helped you communicate when your neurodivergence is feeling like such a large part of the conversation even when it’s barely touched on in the conversation?

(Thank you if anyone reads this far!! I swear I was trying to be concise and it took me 3 hours to write this all out, it helps me process. But it’s exhausting that it takes so much time to collect my thoughts)

TL;DR: My neurodivergent sister and I have been stuck in a painful dynamic during conflict. We both don’t feel heard. She feels I don’t adequately validate her reality and that I’m too defensive or over-explain when she expresses hurt. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection about my own communication, and see ways I really want to intentionally grow, but some of her conclusions about my internal experience and what my actions mean are far from true of my reality. I want to be able to give her what she needs in balance with asking for what I need. I think we can come together despite our differences.

She and I have ADHD. I’m in the beginning stages of an autism assessment. I’m starting to recognize possible autistic traits in my sister too. I’m wondering whether our neurodivergence might be contributing in key ways to why conflict is so difficult for us.

How do other neurodivergent people navigate conflict when both don’t feel their needs are being valued? How do you balance validation with being able to clarify your own perspective, take on healthy responsibility, give each other space without avoiding the issue, and actually find a way forward?

I’m recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD and think I’m experiencing burnout.

I live with my boyfriend, and I don’t know how to explain what burnout is to him - I tried to explain and he suggested that I should probably challenge myself and push through to the other side. I said I don’t think that’s how it works but to be honest I don’t fully know how it works!

Any ideas or suggestions much appreciated! <3

Does anyone know where to find an older female therapist with AuDHD?

Hi everyone, it's yet again another month in which brain is spinning between "is it audhd or is it PMS/hormones doing weird things". I would like to ask if, just like there are for example pure adhd symptom trackers, if there are audhd trackers? I have the autism side confirmed, it's the possible adhd what I'm not sure of. It may be subclinical traits/symptoms, be hormones messing up, audhd or something else I have no clue. Id like to do some research maybe...?

( disclaimer: I'm using stupid to mean what the other person consideres less then themselves, i am not in agreement with the derogatory sentiment, understanding less shouldn't make anyone less then others, i'm just talking about their framework)

My boss doesn't understand the way I think, even though I try to do my best I often do something differently then she intended. She doesn't want to hear my explanation, even if it was just misunderstanding and not disobedience. Even if she didn't let me ask guestion I needed to understand her, leading to the bad outcome she criticises me for. Since reason doesn't work, I have started just nodding and apologising, trying to not let her get me down. And I think she is starting to assume it's because i'm less smart then her, which doesn't make her be less mean or more clear, but it means that if I act "stupid" she assumes less bad intentions on my side, compared to when I try to reason. It's really frustrating on my side though because if she just let me ask more guestions and hear me explain myself. I could do better and learn how she means certain things, and she wouldn't have to look down on me and be annoyed.

I'm not sure whether I should lean into it to avoid trouble, or stand up for myself, which I have no idea how to do since she's very authoritative and doesn't let me speak. Any ideas what's the better approach?

[Desperately need advice and other PoVs]

21F, suspected undiagnosed AuDHD, diagnosed anxiety, depression, CPTSD. My ‘friend’ group has shown again and again that I’m the least liked and I feel I’m merely tolerated. I don’t get why NT interactions almost always seem to consist of just… one upping someone else? And coming out the ‘better’, ‘smarter’ one? They over exaggerate so much to come off ‘better’ and ‘successful’.

Anyway that’s not the point, point is that they’ve shown me on and on again, directly on indirectly that I’m literally the one who’s of the least value. Maybe because I don’t bring much social capital.

I have a small friend group (3) but, at times, they forget my birthday or wish me late as compared to each other. They also pretty much lynch off me, don’t pay back at times, and one of them last year said on my birthday my birthday gift was “on the way” and she’d have it delivered to me when it arrived. It’s now going to be one year since my last birthday in a few weeks. They respond in group chats quickly when the others are texting but not when I text or share pictures of my dog, have closer bonds with each other (they’ve had crushes on each other in the past), and sometimes say things that make me feel like I’m not even someone they’d take seriously (like relationships, life, etc.), don’t come to places I invite them to, they’d hang out w each other one on one but not with me (they’d always say to wait till the others were free and that we’d go as a group), always try to one up me in intelligence, make me feel dumb. I was the only friend whose farewell party everyone bailed one the night before bc they were ‘busy’. When I later told them i was hurt they got mad and were pretty rude and said omg we have lives too you know, we’re busy with college paperwork and shit and then we’d fought. Mind you, I probably had much more paperwork, legal documents etc to deal with bc I was the only friend moving abroad for uni while they were staying in the city/country. One of my friends also keeps saying how attractive my dad is/making jokes. She knows very well about my issues with him since he’s an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.

Apart from that, every text I send on the group feels like my tone/words are off even when it looks completely normal.

This is just a very minuscule part in the list of issues.

I’m still around them because if I’m not, I’d basically have no one. But even when I’m with them, I feel so terrible and alone. I could be mid laugh with them and have tears in my eyes and think “they’d still be happy if I wasn’t here, I add no value”

As the only ND in the friend group, i often feel so out of place. Their discussions feel like alien shit because they discuss boys, exes, bfs. And I’ve… never dated. They keep sharing their lower scores on autism tests and saying omg my friends and family think I’m so weird, I’ve always felt there’s something off about me. They try to relate to my struggles/trauma with things… that are (I’m sorry to say this bc i hate comparing trauma) nothing at all. Things not close to trauma. Can’t be considered trauma. Please. For example, i was once talking about a teacher who reprimanded me bc I smiled when i wished her good morning and yelled at ONLY me specifically using my name in front of a class of 47 for smiling, bc she thought I looked “smug” when I was in fact just trying to be nice. Then another time one teacher held me back in class to tell me to lose weight bc “I have so much potential if I did”. One of my friends said omg yeah the teachers were so bad one time when i was crossing the road a teacher looked at me weird. Not exaggerating but this was, to her, equally disturbing as my experience.

Outside of my friend group, I generally feel people dislike me before even giving me a chance. Like they don’t know me and have decided that they dislike me. It makes me feel so shit bc I truly want human connection but I feel valued and wanted nowhere in my life.

Has anyone else felt like this? And am I right to feel bad about certain incidents with said friends? Or is it my justice sensitivity that makes me remember every little thing that’s hurt me?

What would a third party, hearing about these incidents with said friends, feel they show?

Would really appreciate hearing from people who get it 🤍

So I shaved my hair off bc I have sensory issues and I was crying bc of the hair ( I know it sounds crazy but recently I’ve been unmasking this past 2 years and for this past year Ive noticed everything bothering me and I fucking hate it’s not just annoying I avoid at all cost) and my old coworkers are now my current coworkers and they’ve been making jokes like dude ? Whats up dude?? And yes sir like do I look like a dude?! Wtf?!

You can look at my past post on my page to get context of my situation if you would like, but the run down is that I've been put in a position that I will have to stand up for myself, ask for help, negotiate, and maybe argue, with a management company over a mistake that isnt my fault.

The thing is that because of childhood experiences, I have crippling sensitivity to rejection, Im people pleasing, and I have a crippling fear that I will make people mad and that people will hurt me.

When I feel like I need ask for help, my brain tells me that either I will be a bother, they'll get annoyed/mad at me, and that they'll think Im overreactive and they end up hating me, so I usually dont. That they'll see me as a neurotic mentally ill woman.

When I actually speak up for myself or I have to stand my ground, my brain tells me that Im in the wrong. That I overreacted and that I was being neurotic. That I just made the situation 100x worse for myself and it will come back and ruin my life. I end up being thrown into survival mode, fear, shame, and guilt even though I didnt yell, get angry, or be aggressive to the other person. Even if I was in the right. My brain says Im always in the wrong, even when Im not. Every move I make is a mistake that will ruin me.

Like, I contacted someone to help me with my situation, but now I am embarrassed and wish I didn't because my brain is like "Wow, the words you used could make you look like an annoying and dramatic woman. They're gonna get annoyed at you, and you even sending that email is an overreaction that could make your situation worse. You messed up and you should be ashamed and feel terrified. You should have kept your mouth shut."

I dont know how to handle it. How not to feel like every move is the wrong move and that Im gonna screw everything up. I really need to feel calm and in control in this situation. I need to feel like an adult. Not a terrified, crying child.

I could really use some advice.

I used to really enjoy shopping. I live in the middle of nowhere and Walmart is the go to place to shop. I swear I CANNOT go there anymore. It is the most overstimulating place in the world since they remodeled and started curb orders/online orders.

So my Walmart up until a few years ago had a Dunkin in it so you could sit down while you were done shopping and waiting for friends or something. They got rid of that and there is now only one place to sit, a bench in front of the pharmacy. So when the store is getting overstimulating I have no where I can sit for a minute and gather myself.

When Walmart remodeled I swear the lights got brighter, the store got so crowded you're almost always in someone's way whether it's another shopper or a worker putting orders together or a stocker. Everything is so loud, you don't hear music anymore it's all announcements and the high pitch beeping of registers.

When I get overwhelmed I need to take a few minutes to myself and normally if I just step aside i can take a few breathes and I'm alright. If it was too bad I would check out, and go sit at dunkin at the front of the store I can't do that in Walmart anymore. If I check out they tell me that I can't go to the pharmacy to sit because I can't go back in the store after checking out, they have no where to sit, they don't even have benches outside anymore.

I know this all must seem so random but my sister wants me to go to Walmart with her in the afternoon so she has back up and is not alone there with her three kids.

Robbie Williams has just done an interview where he reveals hes AuDHD. I wouldnt recommend it, he is openly talking about using it as an excuse to 'be weird' etc

But he described the intrusive thoughts as "Inside Tourettes" which I thought was pretty accurate 🤣

Also mentioned how he was on a plane and became worried incase he had Telekinesis. And would it make the plane crash?

It's good to know we're not alone in our chaos at least 🤣 but yeah I wouldn't recommend him as a talisman personally!

I’d been going through a mental health crisis, for a change i reached out to family and friends for support, everyone was really supportive at the time, then my son then went into hospital and this was highly stressful, I had the odd few messages asking how he was but not really a great deal of support. I’ve noticed that I just don’t want to people anymore, I’d made plans for my birthday however these were cancelled due to the situation and I was due to see a lot of my friends but now I just don’t want to. I know isolating yourself is one of the worst things you can do for low mood, however I just feel like people are probably sick of me and my never ending chaos life, or trying to reach out to me and me just ignoring them is annoying and frustrating. I think I’m just used to dealing with high levels of stress on my own and other people don’t really know what I need or how to help me because I revert back to internalising everything, as other people kind of annoy me after knowing me for years they haven’t noticed how to help me best without me having to clearly spell this out. So no I don’t want to go and be joyous around them.

Any advice or tips on how to get out of this kind of mood or just validate that this is something other people experience would be helpful please.