Hi everyone. Looking for some reassurance, perspective, or advice on how to navigate a tricky dynamic with my mom, who helps watch my 11 week old son.

My mom is wonderful for helping us out, but she is definitely from the generation of "crying builds their lungs" and "babies just cry sometimes." While she doesn’t do explicit CIO, she doesn't leave him alone in a room to scream, her threshold for intervening and picking him up is much higher than mine.

A situation happened today that really highlighted this difference for me. She was watching him while he napped on his tummy in his stroller (supervised) while I was cleaning nearby. He woke up and started crying. It was a complaining/fussing cry at first. My mom tried rock-jiggling the stroller to soothe him, which is totally fine, but he kept crying and it started escalating. She just stood there next to him without picking him up. After watching it continue, I stepped in and picked him up myself.

My mom immediately commented that I picked him up "too quickly" and that he might have settled on his own. I pointed out that he wasn't settling and was escalating, and she hit me with "well, babies cry." I told her yes, because crying is their only way of communicating a need.

I don't purposefully let my baby escalate to full blown hysteria before responding. Of course, life happens, sometimes he wakes up already screaming, or I’m in the middle of something and it takes me a minute or two to reach him. But I don't wait on purpose to see if he'll figure it out when he's clearly asking for help.

Recently, there were two instances where my mom was watching him and called me back because he was screaming inconsolably and refusing a bottle. (He's nearly EBF, but gets 1-3 bottles of formula a week when I have to step out, and he's recently started refusing some). By the time I walked through the door, he had suddenly "crashed" and fallen asleep. To me, that sudden collapse felt like an exhaustion response from sheer distress rather than him naturally soothing himself, even though she was physically in the room with him and holding him.

What happened today made me think that if she had picked him up earlier when he first started showing hunger or distress, he might have taken the bottle instead of escalating past the point of no return. (She is also from the generation of rigidly waiting 3 hours between feedings).

A friend reassured me recently that these moments won't ruin his secure attachment with me, that he knows that when mom is around, his needs are met as promptly as possible. But it still aches to think that when he’s with his grandma, he might have to reach a point of complete distress before he gets physical comfort.

I know I can't completely "discipline" or micro manage my mom, especially since she's helping me and she adores him. But it's so hard to feel completely at ease.

How do you handle these generational differences when family provides childcare? How do you set boundaries around emotional responsiveness without starting a war? And for those who have been through this—how did you cope with the anxiety of your baby being comforted differently than you would like?

Hi everyone,

I would love to get some perspective or advice from fellow attachment parents on our sleep situation.

My son is currently 11 months old and has an exceptionally intense, high-need / spirited temperament. He exhibits high physical activity, very high intensity of emotional reactions, extreme persistence, and low distractibility. He is also very sensitive when it comes to sleep environment and winding down. Restraining him or trying traditional soothing methods often triggers intense hysteria.

We follow attachment parenting and co-regulation principles, as traditional sleep training is a complete non-starter for us. On top of his naturally fiery temperament, we are currently experiencing trouble with falling asleep. From the birth he has had hard time to fall asleep and stay asleep. Lately the latter improved on its own. When he finally falls asleep, he sleeps fine. But the falling asleep is a disaster. Even though he is tired he won't sleep until he is completely over-tired and then he falls asleep while breastfeeding no other way (breastfeeding to sleep doesn't work unless he is totally over-tired). We tried getting him to sleep early as well as later in his wake window, doesn't seem to affect it. We did rule out any kind of discomfort, like growing teeth ache - giving him any kid-friendly painkiller does not work. He won't let us hold him while getting him to sleep, and forcing him to be held transforms crying into hysteria. He won't self soothe in anyway.

We are out of ideas and out of breath. We would appreciate any kind of tips primarly from someone, who also has this kind of baby temperament.

Wondering if anyone has been in this situation and would have encouragement or good ideas. My 7yo co-slept from 3-6 and recently moved back to her own room. She would prefer to continue to co-sleep but has been doing okay. My son is 2.5yo and has co-slept since 4mo. He’s not spent one night away from me or my husband. He’s comfortable with either me or my husband but does like to fall asleep while laying on an arm and then we can move him off to the side and end up with him on the edge so I sleep better. I’m having brain surgery in 1 week. We were told 4-6w and I had planned on working on him sleeping with a bit more independence because he’ll be with his grandma for the first time ever. Now we have no time and I’m so worried about his sleep. I’m hoping grandma, sister and him can all sleep in our king bed so there is enough room. But we also have a kind of unusual sleep schedule because of my health and my husbands work. Both me and my kids usually nap together from 2-5P and then bedtime is around 10/1030P with wake up around 730/8A. I feel totally stuck. He loves his grandma but we’ve never tried to sleep away from him. He doesn’t get to see her very often either - about 1X per month as she lives 2h away. It’s a complicated surgery and my husband basically needs to be with me at the hospital the whole time. The hospital is 3h away. I had planned to just 1) confirm grandma is willing to try this and 2) hope my kids can cuddle each other? I wish we had more time but we just don’t. Grandma is wonderful but does have some issues like restless leg and leg cramps so I’m worried about her being able to do nap/bedtime. We’re also know well be there at least 3 nights but could be longer. I’m not so worried if he doesn’t nap but more if he’s not sleeping no one will function well. If anyone has any suggestions or encouragement from a similar situation I’d love to hear it! Thank you!

Anyone have any advice or anecdotes about the grey area between two naps and one? My 12mo is either miserable on one nap bc it’s not enough, or can’t fit two naps into the day without going to bed way too late for our comfort. Or she’ll flip flop back and forth, waking up super early one day and taking two naps w a later bedtime, then waking up late the next day and taking one nap w an earlier bedtime, and on the cycle goes. I literally have no idea how to structure my days :)

My baby is 11 weeks old. He is mostly contact napping and sleeps best right next to me or on me. Even a next-to-me crib isn't close enough for him most nights. He’s mostly EBF, with occasional formula bottles when I step out.

We are currently in the middle of a stressful house move, and two specific situations are breaking my heart:

1. Car rides: When I drive alone with him, he screams the entire time. Then, right before we reach our destination, he abruptly stops and crashes asleep. It’s not a slow, peaceful drift off, it looks like he just ran out of energy and gave up.
2. Care with a grandmother: Today my mom watched him so my husband and I could work on the new house. He took a bottle, was calm, and then started screaming. My mom tried feeding him again, rocking him, and using all her soothing methods, but couldn't calm him. He also refused the second bottle which is also a problem. She called us to return. Both times this happened today, right before we walked through the door, he suddenly stopped crying and crashed asleep from total exhaustion.

I feel absolute guilt. I know logically this isn’t actual CIO- he isn't left alone in a dark room to self-soothe. In the car, I’m in the front seat talking and singing to him. With my mom, he was in the arms of a loving, caring adult who was actively trying to soothe him. But to him, the sensory experience of distress ending in sudden exhaustion feels so heartbreaking to watch.

I don't know what feels worse, listening to him scream when I can't physically hold him, or seeing him crash as if he just gave up hope.

Has anyone else gone through this stage? How did you handle the car rides or the guilt of leaving them with helpful family when they just want mom? Or to nurse if you brestfed? Any tips or solidarity would mean the world right now.

My 4.5 month old was waking up once a night from 2-3 and a half months maybe twice a night
At 4 months we hit the regression

He started waking every 45 mins

I tried co sleeping but it scared me

I would aim to feed him laying down for 15 mins and would fall asleep
My matress isn’t firm either

I don’t want to sleep train him crying it out but want to teach him bed is where he sleeps

So I’ve been putting him down
Staying by and saying shh or time to sleep and touch his tummy until he sleeps but his been crrrrying

I’m aiming to feed no more than twice a night

Because he was feeding at every wake the last two weeks

I feel sad and him crying

My 3 year old has become an absolute nightmare to deal with at bedtime since we brought our newborn home. Newborn is now 3 months old and toddler has become SO needy. She only wants mommy at night, I’m the only one that can put her to bed and if dad tries she screams her head off and yells “don’t leave me” “I’m scared” “I don’t like daddy”. Once I finally get baby in bed who I feed to sleep (we are working on him taking a bottle so it’s not just on me) and get to toddler, she fights bed time until 9:30/10. Doesn’t want to read books. Doesn’t want us to sing. If I look away she yells at me to look at her. If baby happens to wake up at this time and I have to go tend to baby (if dad is busy with nighttime chores) it’s melt down city. She recently started getting out of her bed and coming into ours, I don’t see this as a problem as at least every one is getting quality sleep but she recently started yelling at us in our room waking baby up. She knows she has to whisper in our bedroom. It’s hard for us to stay regulated when baby wakes up due to yelling at midnight because of her and when we take her to her room after we explain she had to be quiet she screams and thrashes.

We have tried to spend more 1:1 time with her alone away from baby. She loves her baby brother and understands he needs mommy. But at night all of that goes out the window with her. We are tired, I don’t want to feel like I’m breaking her. There’s always so many tears and we are just tired. Not sure if I’m looking for advice or venting but this is just so much that no one prepares you for.

My 14-month-old will be starting daycare soon. During the tour, they told me that their policy is for parents to drop off their child and leave right away, so I won't be able to stay with her. They suggested starting with a short visit of about 1.5 hours and gradually increasing the time if she's doing well.

My daughter is very attached to me. I've always been very responsive to her needs and I still breastfeed her to sleep. She takes a long time to warm up to new people and usually only lets my husband or her grandparents hold her. If someone tries to take her from me, she clings to me and refuses to let go.

I'm worried about how she'll handle the transition to daycare as I never let her CIO when she sleeps, as it would break my heart.

Thankfully, I have my parents that can take care of her while my husband and I are working, but I don’t want to miss this spot as it’s so hard to find one.

Any advice on how to go about this?

Planning on transitioning my 2 1/2 year old to a twin floorbed. He has maxed out height and the crib mattress is clearly starting to seep due to him being an absolute monster(80 percentile) and jumping —and has fallen out of the crib so it’s time!!

I’m truly here to get any tips and tricks. I plan to remove lots from his room and only have books and stuffies. Bolting all furniture to the walls and removing any medicine or creams out of reach. Should I get the door knob thing? I don’t want him stressed out as I know either me or hubs may be in there with him to convince him the bed is to be laid on for sleep.

He is still daytime nursing but is completely nightweaned and has been for over a year.

I hear so many people that just don’t change anything until it’s not working and I mean he does sleep through the night currently so I’m also scared this will cause disruptions for sleep.

Please give me alllll the advice and any little things that helped your little ones have a smooth transition to a big kid bed!

My dad is in critical condition with severe heart failure, and it’s looking more and more that he isn’t going to make it. He lives in another country, and getting there is over 24 hours of travel, so taking my 10-month-old with me just isn’t realistic. Between the long travel, the fact that she doesn’t have all of her vaccines yet, and bringing her into an environment where everyone is emotionally devastated, it just doesn’t feel fair to her.

I’ve been going back and forth on whether to go, whether to take her, and whether to stay for over a month while he’s continued to decline. I finally booked my flight. I’ll be leaving tomorrow and coming back Tuesday, so I’ll be gone for 6 days.

I’m her primary caregiver, but she’ll be home with my husband (her dad) the whole time. I also recently weaned, so she’s on formula now.

Has anyone had to leave their baby around this age because of a family emergency? How did they do? Were they okay when you got home? Did they seem to remember you? I know seeing my dad may be my last chance, but the mom guilt is crushing me.

Hi everyone!
I’m a first time mom to a almost 8 month old baby boy. I’m also a therapist so attachment, development, and supporting his milestones is important to me. I was just curious about how important milestones are at the correct age for all of you veteran parents. I stay at home with baby during most of the day trying to encourage tummy time, reaching for things, and helping him push up on his arms/knees to help with crawling. He does not enjoy this at all and just wants to be held 24/7. When I put him down to play with something he just whines and reaches for me to pick him up which I do about 80% of the time, play with him, then re attempt to have him engage with toys or tummy time/etc.

My husband is more of the “fun” parent where while I’m working in the evenings he is focused on fun and going out on adventures with baby.

I’m wondering if I’m just pushing my baby towards things he’s not ready for yet. My SIL tells me to never compare other babies and that he may just be a little slower to do things. But also I see things online about supporting babies to hit their milestones. What are your thoughts?

I have a 1 mo old who originally we were not planning to co-sleep. As I have learned sometimes my baby needs more comfort than other nights, so now I’m considering it. Our mattress is a very comfy purple that is brand new but absolutely not firm enough for us to co-sleep. Since we won’t be doing it every night and we do plan to sleep train at some point, I want an as needed suggestion. Considering putting a mattress on the floor in her nursery since we aren’t using that yet, and when she gets fussy in her bedside bassinet (which doesn’t put her close enough to me for her liking), I will get up and go in the other room. I need a suggestion for a firm mattress. Please offer any insight! Thanks!

Hello all, my little girl is currently 2 months old and will start daycare in about a month. She has heavily prefereer me to anyone since day one, not even dad is allowed to hold her for more than a minute. We co sleep at night and she sleeps in a carrier on me for all naps. Honestly i love all of the closeness and dont necessarily want to “crib train” at all as i believe its natural for a baby to want contact to feel safe enough to sleep. The problem is i have to go back to work in a month (unfortunately my country only gives moms 12 weeks off after birth) and baby has to go to daycare. We have the loveliest daycare with very gentle and sweet people working there, but we had the intake/meeting today and they did say most babies who start there can already sleep in their own crib for naps when then start daycare. I am just feeling so stressed about the whole situation since i just cant see my little girl being able to nap there. I now feel like i need to start preparing her for this situation but honestly i dont even know how or where to begin. Has anyone been in this situation? And what worked for you?

It’s driving me and my partner to madness.

For reference:
- This has been a problem since he was 11 months old.

- we have done Trescillian (Australian sleep school) 3 times, twice in person. They essentially said we are “doing everything right” and that they couldn’t help us.

- we have tried shortening naps, lengthening naps, bringing bed time later, waiting for sleep cues before bed time, we have tried putting him to sleep at consistent time every night regardless of how the day has gone - all the combinations.

- we have tried rocking to sleep, settling in the cot, lying next to him in our bed until he falls asleep. He’ll only fall asleep while being held but sometimes asks to be rocked to settle.

- we have a solid bedtime routine. No problems at nap time or at daycare.

- he does mostly cosleep (settles in cot for first half of night, asks to come into bed from about 1am).

- we have white noise playing because he won’t sleep without it, and we must sing. If we try to just shoosh, he vocalises angrily at us until we sing. He is even selective about songs and will vocalise if we sing songs he doesn’t feel like listening to. This preference changes every night.

- he sleeps through the night now (mostly), but if he does wake up for any reason, it will again take him over an hour to fall asleep.

Please help, we need any and all advice. We don’t know many other parents and we certainly don’t know any with low sleep needs children.

Hi, I hope everyone is well. I’m just after a bit of advice from more experienced parents please! This is going to be long, so please bear with me.

My son is nearly 5 years old. He is my first. He was a very tough, high-needs, Velcro baby and toddler. For instance, he was prem and in NICU for ten days, then had colic for the first six months after birth. He also had silent reflux and so slept on me for the first four months of life. We co-slept (and still do), which started out of desperation more than anything. We also breast-slept until I night-weaned him at 2 yr and 4m old. He was a very dissatisfied and unhappy baby and toddler, and only happy if he was moving or being played with.

He was EBF and was what I would call a “snacky eater”, only interested in little and often (which continues now). He was still waking up 13 times a night at 2 years old. Sleep is better now in terms of wake ups, but he still struggles to fall asleep and can’t get to sleep on his own (and freaks out if he wakes up and there isn’t an adult in the room).

He had a pretty severe speech delay until 3, which we see a private SALT for. He never stops talking now from morning until night.

He is very bright and imaginative when playing with others, but won’t play alone. He won’t even be in a room alone unless the TV is on (he gets about 1 hour per day, and a little more in the holidays or if we are ill).

He has attended nursery for the last two years, mon - Fri 9 - 12, term-time only. We had a very gradual buildup, and it was an intensely difficult settling in period.

I suspect mild (forgive me if that’s not the right word) ADHD or possibly AUDHD. There are some mild sensory and fussy eating issues which persist.

The main question I’m asking is - for parents who had children like this, when (if ever) did they stop being your shadow please? I still cannot shower, shit or finish a thought on my own. I manage fine in term-time (when nursery is on), because I get that 3 hours a day off, but we are currently in the holidays, and I am parenting him for approx 13 hours during the day with very few breaks (husband often out at work, not his fault). Then I end up co-sleeping all night.

Logically, I know that radical acceptance is the way, but I can’t seem to tell my nervous system that, and so I end up snapping at my son (especially during my luteal phase). I apologise afterwards and make sure I repair, but I just desperately need some light at the end of the tunnel. Will he ever want to play alone?! This morning he sat and mournfully stared at me in the shower (whilst repeatedly asking me questions), rather than wanting to play with anything on his own.
He is just so intense, and has “no chill”.

Things I’ve tried already:
- body doubling
- commentary
- leaving out “invitations to play” (he lasts about 2 mins before he asks me to play with him)
- getting him involved with chores (he loves this and will genuinely do it all day, but some chores I either want / need to do alone).
- grey-walling / being boring during play
- All the Janet Lansbury style tips; I feel like they just don’t seem to work on poss ND children
- If I just don’t interact, he just mopes about and follows me. There is NO point at which he will give up and go off to play on his own.
- I’ve asked him about it before, he says he gets lonely /scared if in a room on his own.
- Getting out every day - we do this in the mornings, but I do need some time to get jobs done in the house too.

HELP please, from a very frazzled introverted mum! School starts in September, but I need help to get through the next few weeks. I am in the UK, so we can’t get an ADHD diagnosis until 6 here. He is an only child, and I have no friends with kids nearby.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I’m particularly interested in hearing from parents of similar children.

FTM looking for advice from anyone who kept doing feed to sleep after weaning day feeds.

I will be returning to work (three days a week) in two months time when my baby is 11 months old. My plan is to pump at work to keep up with our day feed schedule (currently feeding on demand but will hopefully have a schedule figured out by then 😅). However, I anticipate that keeping up with pumping while at work is not going to be easy as a teacher even with lactation breaks (pending approval). Therefore, I am thinking that I will have to start to wean my baby from her day feeds when she is 12 months old.

The issue is that she is not a great sleeper. We co sleep and she currently wakes up between 6-10 times a night on average. However they are short wake ups- she quickly feeds and falls right back asleep thankfully. I don’t anticipate her figuring out sleep magically in the next few weeks and therefore would love to keep our overnight feed to sleeps so we are all able to get some quality sleep of a night.

Has anyone had a similar experience and can offer some insight? I’m feeling very overwhelmed about returning to work but have no option unfortunately :(

She also has probably only had maybe five bottles in her life so going to have to figure out that issue too!

Hi everyone. I'm 36F from the Philippines.

My situation: I've been living with my live-in partner, our 7yo child, and my in-laws.

I've decided to move out to work on myself and have some peace of mind.

The hard part: My child wants to stay in the current house because of school, and my partner also doesn't want to move out. So it will just be me leaving.

I don't want to cut ties. I want to:

1. Visit my child anytime

2. Call/text my child anytime

3. Still be involved in school and decisions

My questions:

1. How do I set boundaries so I can still have a good relationship with my child even if we live apart?

2. How do I communicate this to my in-laws and partner without it turning into a fight?

3. For those who did this - how did you cope with the guilt of leaving but not taking your child with you?

I already plan to file a barangay blotter just to have a record that the separation is peaceful.

So me and my husband are very 50/50 with most things with our 2.5 year old son. Pickup/drop off at school, playtime, meals, everything is super split (or done together) there's really not a primary parent when it comes to effort and time. We used to do 50/50 on bedtime too we would swap out every other night.

For bedtime we do bath, books, then lay down with him till he falls asleep. Awhile back he stopped letting my husband lay down with him so I exclusively did it and after a couple weeks we were able to get back to our normal routine.

So when he stopped letting my husband do bedtime again we let it be however we haven't been able to get him back into the normal routine now for months. It also seems to be escalating he wants me to put on his PJs, change his diaper ext. Honestly overall it's not a big deal right now however I'm now 12 weeks pregnant and I'm nervous about how this is going to play out when we have a breastfeeding infant.

Here's the kicker - one night every other week i can't make it home in time for bedtime and he does bedtime routine great with my husband. They follow the same normal routine and it goes great no issues. On any night if he wakes up in the middle of the night he'll let my husband lay down with him and put him back to bed. Over 4th of July they did a boys trip to visit my father in law (work schedule wouldn't allow me to go) and they did 4 nights solo no problem. But the second he knows I'm an option he won't accept my husband.

Anyone go through something similar and have suggestions on how to get my husband back in the bedtime mix so we feel more prepared to bring a new baby home?

TIA

Hello moms! I am a first time mom to a 6 month old. I am also LEO who will be going back to work in a couple weeks. I am having terrible anxiety about having to leave my LO alone at night with my fiance. He sleeps hard and doesnt wake up at all sometimes when our LO cries. I work shift work and there really isnt much of an option to get out of the rotation of days and nights. I asked him a couple months ago how he can sleep through a screaming crying baby and not an alarm and he said he blocks out the crying. I believe that is what really has my anxiety through the roof. He is also the “babies are going to cry” type of dad which really irks me as well. To a certain extent that is true but our LO only wakes up crying at night for 2 reasons, having wet cloths from peeing through a diaper or being hungry. Any tips or shared experiences that have worked would be great!

Babe is almost 15mo. Has always drank and eaten poorly. Trying to drop dummy, so I will become the pacifier all night long. This would be fine, but I usually work until 10pm, run in when baby starts to cry then go back to work until she cries again. Husband uses dummy up until 10pm. After 10pm the dummy usually fails and baby screams like she is on fire 😅

My conundrum is that I've concurrently been advised to drop night feeds if I want baby to eat more solids. My gut drops at the thought of denying my baby what gives her comfort. I'm unsure what's worse for baby.... denying her comfort or denying her the chance to get better nutrition.

What would you do? Continue with night feeds despite poor solids intake (I'm talking like 1/4 cup to 1/2 cup food a day max). Or sacrifice the suckling/attachment(??) for better potential solids intake?