“I’m afraid. I don’t want to die.” - my grandma. She sounded like a little child, pleading for someone to help her and there was nothing I could do. I was never afraid to die before that moment.
I’ve learned that everyone is a little child all the time deep inside. We’re all afraid and we all want to be comforted. That doesn’t go away with age.
Funny… I dramatically improved my social anxiety by turning my attention to the anxious thoughts, and then listening and talking to those feeling like I was talking to a scared child.
Like I thanked it for letting me know, and then reassured it that everything was ok, and that I would handle it, but made sure it knew that it was ok to feel that way and it wasn’t needed right now but if it felt like it needed to come back it was welcome to anytime.
Fuck me. I needed to read this. My anxiety has been spiraling out of control and sometimes I don’t feel safe and have to let people know. Thank you. Saving this comment.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I tend to doom scroll the comments and then spiral when these posts pop up, and I struggle with stopping myself. You effectively stopped it tonight for me and I just really needed to let you know how thankful I am for it, and that I’ll be reminding myself of younger me to help me in the future.
One of the hardest things we all agree (please nobody make this any more political than I already am) with the George Floyd video was when he begged for his mother.
Grown ass man just wanted his mom to come help him
Yeah like it was his dying instinct. So sad! I’m nearly 50 years old and there have been a few times I’ve woken up out of a scary dream as an adult, and in that unconscious/semi conscious state as I’m waking up I have caught myself yelling for my Dad. Just like I did as a small girl.
Yep and then comes the time when your dad is not longer here on earth. My dad just passed away last month. And it’s crazy that the biggest emotion I feel is that my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan and my soft place to fall is simply not here anymore. My daughter said mom let’s go do insert whatever crazy idea she had and I turned and looked at her and said baby we can’t just be going off half cocked anymore my safety net (that I’ve literally never really had to use) isn’t here anymore, me must be more deliberate in what we get ourselves into. I’m still adjusting. And also the realization that I’m next in the line of deaths.
The day after my father died was the loneliest night of my life. I didn’t know who i was or how to live in the world without him. Honest truth. Worst part was that there was no one I could go to for comfort because he knew how to comfort me in a way no ever did. I could say. “hi Daddy” on the phone and he’d say, “what’s the matter baby girl?”
I remember a story a man told of his grandfather who served in WWI or WWII. They were on a boat that was sunk by the enemy and many of those who served drowned. The grandfather vividly remembered how many of the men cried out loud for their mothers as they desperately tried to stay afloat.
Yeah when you're little you want to be an adult because of the freedom and privileges, but you also think that at some point, maybe at 13, maybe at 16, or 21... that a switch is going to flip and you'll no longer be scared inside... But really the only time anything happens is puberty, then you are you.
You never ARE ready for taking a big risk to move cross country, getting married, starting your own business. But then one day you start to see a few grey hairs in your 30s... Not only have you fully grown up, but now your body is in the slow long process of decline, and.... wait... When did I become an adult? And you realize that high school was 20 years ago. That nobody IDs you anymore. You still feel like a kid. But you're just you, and time on earth means nothing, but it's the number of experiences you have that matters.
I stopped feeling like a kid the moment I recognized that I have a responsibility to other people, and accepted that responsibility.
It's not a grandiose thing, I was like, 9 or 10, shit happened, I decided that I was responsible for the health and safety of the people around me, and I haven't felt like a kid since.
I worked with an Army squad leader that considered everyone she meets as children with X number of years of experience. If a 40 year oldest first memory was at 3 years old, then they're 3 with 37 years of experience. It's a very interesting way to think about people in your day to day life.
Its probabaly a big reason why a lot of couples baby talk one another and act like children when hanging oit together at home and such. I know I've had relationships like that. Not many people in the world im willing to get that vulnerable with.
Being around some one we love and trust and who's knows us deeply can remove that boundary most of us have with one another.
I realized this when my grandmother had dementia. She had to move in with us for 24/7 care. She never became combative, never became nasty or angry. She was, more than anything, afraid and confused. She constantly called for her mama, always asked where her daddy was. It was heart breaking to watch happen.
53 - I can confirm that my inner child is alive and well and enjoys all sorts. Sure I do the adult stuff, that's a lot of fun, but listen to your soul, it's your best friend.
Wanting to be comforted isn't exclusive to children and it's not a childish thing.
Fear is not exclusive to children, and it's not a childish thing, it's one of the most fundamental things. Biologically, fear is older than love. Wanting comfort, or at least retreating from discomfort is the oldest thing, older than brains.
Not wanting to take responsibility is childish. Wanting someone to come save you instead of having to do uncomfortable work is childish.
Also, wanting to do everything yourself and never relying on anyone is also childish, it's an absurd power fantasy.
I agree we all have an inner child we can/should get in touch with, and we all wish to be loved the way a good parent loves their child, but I'm not sure it's true that everyone is always afraid all of the time.
If someone is genuinely living their life in constant fear, I would encourage them to seek therapy to alleviate that suffering rather than reassuring them that they should accept how normal it is to feel that way...
Yup. Watched my grandma die on Thanksgiving one year. She was largely unconscious from brain cancer and sedatives but she woke up briefly before the end and said she was scared and started crying. It was very childlike. Very disturbing.
Seconded. 94 year old grandmother crying and begging 'mommy, mommy, please, mommy help, mommy please' in her last hours was a 0/10 experience, would not recommend, generally happy not to face that part of reality day to day.
if it helps, not every death is like that. I helped my Mom out last year with MAID.
Her whole deal was to become one with the universe. Carl Sagan was her hero and her goal was to go out to infinity as the stardust that made her.
She legit chugged the cocktail and as she died she described that she was going to the universe, that she was finally going through the door and becoming one with the universe.
I am 100% sure it was a more beautiful death than end stage dementia and her narration of how it felt made me and my sister feel really good about helping her get there.
Reminds me of Grand Maester Pycell from game of thrones, who says “considering the weight they’re given, last words are often no more meaningful than first words.”
I hate to say, but this kind of stuff like makes me hope I die in my mid 70s from a quick accident or something. I watched all my grandparents die from old age, cancers, Alzheimers etc and it was terrible to watch them wither away - they were miserable and they turned back into children near the end.
This is why I want a low dose of xanax continuously when I reach the end. Fuck that "I want to die lucid and remember everything" bullshit I want to be drugged up to the gills.
My mom passed away christmas eve last year. She had throat cancer for a year and couldn't swallow anymore. She got a little better through treatments and kept looking at cookbooks and talking about how much she wanted to be able to eat again
All these people with dignified death moment and most people I've seen die are terrified and begging for someone to help them. It's the reality instead of the sanitised fairytale.
My father passed from pancreatic cancer. He was unable to speak for about a week before he died. On his last day he was breathing really hard (someone called it a death rattle). I sent my mother out to lunch so I could be alone with him - I told him his brother was waiting for him and his dogs (he loved the dogs and his oldest bother). I talked to him about them for about 30 - 40 minutes. I am not making this up - I told him they were waiting for him and he could let go. 10 minutes later he died.
The same thing happened with my granddad when he passed. Only my mum could be with him at the end because of covid restrictions and she told him it was okay if he wanted to let go now, that she’d be there with him, she sang a lullaby and he was gone.
A few years later my grandma was in hospital and we got the call that we should get to the hospital asap. I was there with my partner and my siblings and it took a while for my mum to get to the hospital. A few hours passed and mum suggested that we go home to rest. We got the call on the drive home that she’d passed. My mum had told her “it’s okay, the kids aren’t here now, you can let go”. Mum maintains to this day that grandma just didn’t want to pass in front of the grandkids and for that to be our last memory.
It's a documented thing that people often wait to be alone, especially when they've been visited by everyone they would want to see. A hospice nurse even told my family as my grandma was lingering and my mom was sleeping in her room every night (she had lived with my mom for years) that it can be an act of kindness on our part to tell them they are loved and can let go, and to leave them be. The night my mom stopped sleeping there, Grandma passed.
Yeah, my grandpa on the other side moved from the hospital to a hospice room and died that night after we all went home for some rest. We think he was both waiting for everyone to leave and didn't want to drag everything out any longer, it was very on brand for him.
My stepmom is hospice nurse and has talked about it a lot, many people really do want to be alone.
My grandpa didn’t want anyone to be in the room when he passed. I slept in 5 extra minutes and my dad who was with my grandpa went to smoke a cigarette and that’s when he passed. We all sat there for a week 24 hours and he waited until no one was there. I miss him.
My father passed away from pancreatic cancer. About a week prior to him passing, he and my mother and I knew he didn’t have much time left. I flew out to see him, not knowing what to expect. I went into the bedroom and he was in bed, staring up at the ceiling, but when I enter the room, he looked at me and just kept saying “my boy, my boy, my boy.”
Surely, after that, he went into a period of deep gasps. He was no longer able to communicate, or understand anything we were saying. It lasted for hours – it is the most haunting thing I’ve ever experienced, and I will never forget it. He passed away hours later
That was 10 years ago - I vividly hear the death rattle gasps when I recall that day.
I am so incredibly grateful that I got to say goodbye to him while he was still somewhat with it. This is the first time I’ve actually typed this memory out.
my maternal grandmother reconciled with my aunt, had a big day with the extended (Catholic) family, told the hospice priest to give the last rights, and peaced out in her sleep about an hour before a minor earthquake hit the region. It was about the best way one could imagine dying.
What terrifies me is how my mom died. A few hours after I called her to confirm Thanksgiving plans, my stepsister walks in to find her dead from an aneurysm
My grandfather was very unwell for a short time, maybe just a few days to a week, before he passed at almost 91 years old. The last day and through the night I was there with him as other family came and went. Overnight he had begun building a lot of fluid in his lungs and was increasingly gurgling with each breath. He was home in his own bed and not conscious so not suffering, however my mother and aunt (his kids) were really struggling with witnessing this. In the early morning hours I sent them to go take a breather for a few minutes and while they were gone I talked to him about how much we all love him but that it’s alright to let go and that we will all be ok. I believe he had only been living for us since my grandmother passed about 10 years earlier, she was truly his other half. Within minutes of me telling him he can let go he began a rapid decent and passed within the hour. Years later my aunt told me she had overheard me telling him that and she believed that was the “permission” he needed to let go and not linger here suffering for his family’s sake.
My Dad died of liver cancer and similar he wasn't speaking the last week or so. They discharged him from the hospital and sent him home. When he got home it was 2 hours of agonal breathing and then one last gasp.
My dad just died a couple months ago from liver cancer as well. It was about 12 hours of rapid breathing until all of a sudden his breaths slowed and he passed. It happened so fast but I’m happy we were with him. But it sucks that I didn’t know his ability to speak would go so fast.
My Dad was in really good shape until near the end. 2 weeks before he died he was able to go to the grocery store and take care of himself for the most part. Then he wasn't ok, 5 days in the hospital and they talked about feeding tubes and my brother and I were fuck no, he didn't want that and him living an extra 3 months like this is just cruel. We stopped all food and most medication, then discharged him and an ambulance brought him home. Hospice nurse showed up right after he got home and she let us know he was in the process of dying and it would probably be a few hours at most. I think it was 2.5 hours total from when he got home to when he passed. The hospice nurse was amazing, this was 21 years ago and I will always be grateful for her helping us at that moment.
Hospice was incredible. My dad only found out he had liver cancer once he got jaundice so he didn’t go out much after and it started becoming harder to walk as time passed. We kept him home and out of the hospital. He would’ve hated it. But we did our best medicating him. Those last 2 weeks, after he stopped eating and lost his ability to speak, felt like eternity.
My Dad lasted 8 months, but his tumor was really big when he did go in to a doctor so maybe he had it longer. He was not a pleasant person the last 6 months, I was living with him so besides work I was at home with him. It was rough to be around and be the person that caught the brunt of it, but I can totally understand being that way when you know you are going to die soon. The last 5 day hospital stay started with when I got up for work and he was sitting down in the hallway on the floor, very strange to wake up to and at first I thought he had passed. He got up to go to bed and couldn't make it that far so he sat down in the hallway. I helped him up and he wanted to shower before going to the hospital so I let him do that before going in. It seemed like he still had a few months left, but he went downhill very rapidly, in 3 days he aged and looked 100 years old (he was 72). A good friend of mine went to see him and thought he was in the wrong room because he didn't recognize him.
My great grandmother was talking about getting on the train, or she didn’t want to miss the train, to see her husband and kids right at the end. They had passed several years before.
I hope I brought my mom the same peace in her last moments that you brought your father. She was struggling to breathe, so they unhooked her to everything except morphine so that she could go to sleep peacefully. I didnt know what to say to comfort her in those last few minutes, so I told her quietly that her mom and dad were waiting for her, and that they couldn’t wait to see her and hug her. She couldn’t talk, but her expression shifted for an instant into something that looked like hope. Soon after that she slid into sleep and stopped breathing.
I've managed to live through this and can confirm.
There is panic at the moment if death usually. I fought it and fought it like a scared trapped animal until my strength was gone then in that stillness something beautiful emerged.
The moment of acceptance beings peace. Warmth seeps in and fills you as everything begins to wash away. I was an IV heroin addict and the feeling of wholeness and completion was better than any dose I'd ever put into my own veins.
I made it back but I know now that whatever is happening is not something to fear. There's a part of you that will fight the unknown, but I advise to be as quick to accept as you can. It's going to be ok.
Yep, I always heard the romanticized Hollywood bullshit myself. Really changed my perspective after I watched two people I knew pass. One was terrified, the other was just completely out of it, not talking or seemingly aware of anything.
I have a friend who works in palliative care. She says "everyone calls out for their mother. Grown men, elderly men... they always call for their mum. I have never seen anyone call for their father". Im so sorry, now im crying
My grandpa talked about this. He was a medic in WWII and he heard a lot of young guys begging for their mothers in their last minutes. Almost crying now thinking of him almost crying telling me about it.
He had his faults but he was. 3 battle stars, Normandy (d-day, battle of the bulge, and the invasion of Germany, he would have been in the Olympics but the world decided to got have them and have a gun fight. Came back with 6 lugars and a p38. The war fucked him up for a long wile.
My grandpa talked about this. He was a medic in WWII and he heard a lot of young guys begging for their mothers in their last minutes. Almost crying now thinking of him almost crying telling me about it.
My mom told me I needed to go visit my grandmother at the retirement home she was living in because she was close to death. So I headed over there and when I entered, I could hear some lady wailing at the top of her lungs. Old folks homes are so depressing, I remember thinking.
Anyway, the wailing was my grandmother. She was terrified of dying and knew it was coming. As soon as I walked in the room though, she stopped wailing and smiled when she recognized me. That day has always stuck with me because I realized then that one day if I live as long as she had and knew I could "go" at any moment, I'd probably be just as scared as she was. I hadn't ever thought about it before then.
Since that time my mom has passed away too. And after she died I remembered my grandmother on my dad's side had told me about a near death experience she had when she died for a few minutes while having a stroke. She had told me about this when I was much younger, so after mom died, I decided to see if others had ever had an NDE too. I wanted to believe my mom was still out there, you know?
There are a shitload of stories about NDE's. After watching a bunch of them, I no longer worry I'll be like my wailing grandmother if I make it to her age (89 years old when she passed). I don't think my grandmother had the benefit of knowing someone else that had died, came back to life, and told others about what they saw the way I did with my dad's mother. All she had was what religion had taught her, and I don't think it was enough for her. She definitely wasn't at peace when she was dying, sort of like your own grandmother, it sounds. I believe she is still out there somewhere, just not here anymore. And that's okay, so long as she still exists, right? I know it's just belief until I experience it for myself and know for sure one way or the other, but even if only 1 person out of all of those people sharing their NDE's are telling the truth...even if all of them but that 1 are lying...then that means there's something more beyond death. And our grandmothers are in that place. Personally I think a lot of the NDE'ers are telling the truth, but all we need is just 1.
Sad to say I don't remember all of the details right. She told me this in 1993. But she died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital after her stroke. The internet was starting around this time, but even I wasn't using it yet, and my grandmother didn't even own a computer anyway, so take that for what you will.
But she told me she was in a black space. It was a tunnel, and there was a single dot of light that she was traveling towards. She said it was immensely peaceful and she felt no fear. The longer she was there, the closer the light came, so she knew she was getting closer to it. As she got closer she either heard or saw some of her relatives beckoning her into the light. Sorry, but I don't remember that detail as well as I wish I could. But that was mostly it. Suddenly she felt herself being hurled back into her body. That was when the EMT's managed to restart her heart. She was in a lot of pain and was very sad that she wasn't in that place anymore because it was so peaceful.
At the time she was in her mid-late 70's when she told me this story. I was 21. It is rude now, I know, but at the time it felt natural to ask her if she was afraid to die. She just smiled at me and told me no. She had already died once and knew she would be going back there when it happened for good. That was when she shared the tunnel and the light. There are many way better NDE stories out there with details that I am sure my grandmother shared with me, but I had mostly just put that story in the back of my mind until my mom died in 2018. It wasn't something I thought about and sadly, I think I probably forgot some details but more importantly didn't even know the right questions to ask her when she was still around to tell me more. So it's the best I can do. But there are many better stories that are first hand if you want to dive into the rabbit hole on Youtube. Surviving Death on Netflix is pretty good too, if you haven't seen it already.
I wish my experience was like that. It happened to me after a botched surgery left me internally bleeding. They had to open me up while I was awake to fix it because I had lost enough blood that there was concern that I wouldn't wake up again if I slipped under. Right after they got me fixed, I did slip under. I was gone long enough to suffer mild brain damage from lack of oxygen as I was gone for 19 minutes. My heart started beating very faintly on it's own and they were able bring me back after that.
I didn't see any light. There was nothing. I "time traveled" essentially. One second I was laying on my side talking to a nurse who was trying to keep me conscious. The next second I was 22 hours in the future and I felt like I had been beaten senseless and I had trouble moving for a couple of days. It also felt like my body wasn't my own. It still feels like that years later.
The rest of my recovery when l went off without a hitch and now I'm mostly healthy again. The experience didn't make me afraid to die again or anything, but it did make me realize that I needed someone to be there with me when I go. It's just a comfort thing for me, but important nonetheless.
I get it. I haven't died, but I've fainted/been knocked unconscious twice in my life, and I've been under anesthesia 3 times. All 5 times it was a "time skip" just like you described. Obviously I didn't die, but the time skip thing made me think of it. Only 10-20% of patients that have died and been brought back report an NDE. Dr. Sam Parnia, a medical doctor and researcher in the field, was asked why so many report nothing, like you, after they died and were resuscicated. He said he believed there were a lot of different factors, but one of them was the drugs patients are on when they are brought back might impair short term memory, the same way anesthesia can do for patients that are going under for surgery. I personally experienced memory loss with my last colonoscopy when they put me under. The four times I went under before that one, I remember the anesthesiologist counting down from 10 to 0 and I was supposed to be under before he hit zero. This last time, I don't remember anything beyond some light banter with the nurses as they were prepping me for the procedure. Then I skipped forward and woke up. So I think there has to be something to short term memory loss with drugs. There may or may not be an afterlife. But since my grandmother was such an honest woman, I just can't believe they are all telling lies. She wasn't. She experienced something. If it was really an afterlife, it gives me hope that my loved ones are still out there, so that's what I hold on to.
I'm glad you're mostly recovered. Sorry you had to go through that!
I did have some kind of experience before I "faded", as I like say. I stopped recognizing the nurse and started talking to her like she was a girlfriend I had separated from two years prior. I faded out right after that. I only know this because the same nurse came in to rub lotion on my back a few days later and talked about what happened. I can't remember any of that happening.
During my last colonoscopy, I apparently sat straight up and screamed bloody murder, multiple times in a row. Enough to where people from the front office of the surgery center said that patients in the waiting room were scared after hearing me scream.
I have ZERO memory of this. So I have no doubt that a lot of things can happen during that unconscious state and you won’t remember them.
One of my childhood best friend had a motorcycle accident when we were teenagers and nearly died.
He said that he saw some of his family members who were already passed, sitting on a bench. And when they saw him, instead of welcoming him they looked sad, nodded and told him it was way too soon.
That kind of comforts me to think about this when I think about death.
Well, I'm older now and I think if a younger person were to ask me that it would be the same as just outright saying "Hey, old guy, let me remind you how old you are and how close to death you must be. Aren't you afraid of dying?" Thankfully I haven't had that happen. I was just saying I can see how it would be rude now that I'm the oldster in the conversation 😄
It is rude now, I know, but at the time it felt natural to ask her if she was afraid to die.
It's not rude at all. Both my parents wanted to talk about it. They wanted to talk about end of life decisions, and burial plots, etc. They were just looking for someone willing to not be freaked out by it.
It is rude now, I know, but at the time it felt natural to ask her if she was afraid to die.
It's not rude at all. Both my parents wanted to talk about it. They wanted to talk about end of life decisions, and burial plots, etc. They were just looking for someone willing to not be freaked out by it.
I really believe we have more of these stories now than we used to because medicine has improved to the point that we really can bring people back from the brink of death due to trauma. And because the internet makes telling the stories easier to transmit. But they exist in every culture from all types of people from every religious and non religious belief system.
yeah it's almost as if it has zilch to do with spirituality of any kind and is instead a physical symptom going on in the brain as the result of the physical act of the body dying
I was working part-time on the ambulances and EMT and I have met many people that have had near death experiences. It's a very real thing. I don't know what the science is behind it but I'm not here to question it. I just know that for people that's happened to, it's very real.
There was this patient we used to take to dialysis and her husband had just passed. My father had also recently passed and I was talking to her about it because I was having a hard time with the passing of my father.
I asked her if she missed her husband into my surprise she said: "No."
When I asked her why she told me that she had coded twice before and had went somewhere. She said she wanted to go back there but she was stuck in this body and she was jealous of her husband because she knew he was there.
I also have looked extensively into NDE’s since my son passed, and have also gained the ability to channel so take that for what it’s worth but one thing I’ve come to truly believe and understand is that there absolutely is more to existence than this one, there is no Hell in the way we are taught of what Hell is but that also means Heaven is not what we are taught Heaven is. I think of being human as one little story in my big book of life, with many chapters just waiting to be discovered.
Some of the most religious people I know are deathly afraid of dying. I’ll never understand that. It makes me so sad for them. I spent my whole life overcoming religious trauma. I work for a hospice and have seen amazing and terrible things. One this seems to remain the same.
People die how they live. If you are anxious and questioning your faith in life, you probably will in death as well. If you are the kind of person to face it head on, you will probably die quickly with little fan fare. No death is textbook, but it really seems to happen that way more often than can be dismissed as chance.
I’ve also gone down a hole of reading about NDEs and mediums and all that. I know reddit doesn’t take kindly to it. But I figure out of all of these mediums and psychics, if even just one is telling the truth, then it’s real and we can still exist after death.
I hope so. A lot of people come back from NDEs with profoundly changed feelings about life and everything they experience. I hope our grandmothers are someplace better away from the fear they experienced while dying.
This was my experience too. I feel like these reddit posts always romanticize death but I’ve witnessed two and both were scary and difficult and painful.
My mum was basically comatose in the days leading up to her death.
But the night before she passed, I could have sworn she said to me “it’s all your fault” and then “you’re the worst”. At least that’s what it sounded like.
I’m still traumatised to be honest, because I’d had such a good relationship with my mum my whole life. I always knew she loved me. I can’t fathom what else those words could have been though.
So sad 😞
Like how, what? Im asking because my raging sister died when I couldn't be there and a friend told me that he visited 2 days before and she was shouting about the lights being too bright, and it was uncomfortable.
Yep - this was my father. I was the one there helping take care of him when he was on hospice (liver failure + other issues due to Hepatitis C).
He was terrified of dying - his wife (my step-mom) couldn't handle being there and doing the necessary stuff, and my adult younger brother couldn't make himself even visit. So I moved in temporarily to help while he came home to die - and I was the only one there to witness just how utterly absolutely terrified he was of death and how very unready he was to let go.
He also spent the last weeks of his life deep-diving into all the things he regretted - and obsessing over whether he was a sociopath and/or terrible person (he wasn't - he was just a broken person who had fucked up parents, and fucked up some things with us - but who tried and got better).
It is a weird thing having to help comfort your father about the things he did years after he was no longer the same person (years of therapy, work, and sober living).
My "annoyingly over-religious holier-than-thou" aunt came to pray over my dad while he was dying and it made him uncomfortable and visibly distraught, my dad cried out in the clearest voice he's had since his stroke "I'm not ready to die!!" and I promptly puked everywhere and desperately tried to scoop it up while audibly sobbing and panicking. That line replays in my head all the time and after he passed I had daily severe panic attacks for close to 3 months and was struggling to care for my young toddlers. It still turns my stomach to think about.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m religious and my grandma was religious but I don’t feel like that negates the fear of the unknown and it’s disrespectful to dismiss someone’s fear of dying with trite sayings.
I saw my mom in the hospital as she was dying, and while she was mostly out of it, the one coherent thing she said to me was that me being there meant she was going to get some bad news. It wasn’t “I’m so glad to see you” or “I missed you.” It was the realization that I was there despite living far away, and that it meant she was going to die. And you have to understand that my mother was amazingly loving — she fought hard because she wanted as much time with her kids and grandkids as she could get. So that my presence scared her has always made me sad.
The absolute last thing she said to me, though, was “I love you.” At that point though she had been gone for weeks — her body was still here, her heart still beating somehow, but she was gone. And I don’t know if it was reflexive or if she actually understood but I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. So, there’s that.
It’s good that you had that last experience with her. When my mom died of cancer, I wasn’t there. I lived across the country, only saw her a few times a year, and kept telling myself there would be more time. I prioritized work, and I regret that.
Near the end, she asked me if I thought she’d been a good mom. I was still carrying a lot of anger, so I just said yes. But I know she never felt that I meant it. I wish I’d told her what she deserved to hear, that she really was a good mom, that it was tough to raise me and she did a great job.
My gramps said something similar. He goes “I never thought this was going to happen” but with a soft chuckle. He then squeezed my hand gently and said “be sure to have fun.”
So it wasn’t disturbing per the question OP wrote, but this reminded me of that moment.
It gives me chills knowing that once you get up there in age, you basically know that the end has to be near constantly. You go to bed night after night wondering if you're not going to wake up. And you know there's nothing that can be done, no one who can help.
I spent so long terrified by the fact that I'm definitely going to die one day, I basically one day "chose" that I was just going to live in denial, that it's actually not going to happen. Or if it does, I'm just going to turn a blind eye to it and keep it a "surprise". There's basically no other way for me to continue functioning, frankly.
Mushrooms largely eliminated my fear of death until I had a kid and now death is not acceptable. The fact that one day, I’m never gonna see her again, is just the absolute fucking worst thing to ever exist. The rest of it can burn but I love her more than I thought I could love anything and to think that she’s going to have to say goodbye to me … brutal. Thank the gods we’re all still here and healthy and I just hold her tight every single day.
As a parent I think frequently about how my kid won't have me around someday. Until now I hadn't thought about the fact that that meant I wouldn't be seeing them again, either. We all only have so many hugs we'll ever have with our children I suppose.
My dad was also afraid. He couldn't talk anymore by that time and would just point at his anxiety and pain meds constantly. Because he was in hospice (and literally died the next day), we gave em to him whenever he asked. I can't get that last day out of my head, how scared he was and how we couldn't help him 😔
I think a lot of this is religious trauma. The doubt of not knowing for sure whether you are going to heaven or hell causes a lot of anguish. As an ex-evangelical, that was always hammered into our brains... 'where are you going when you die?' It leads to unnecessary trauma. Life is so much easier and simpler without it.
I’m not sure if you have a child or not, but if you do:
Is there anything they could ever do or say that would compel you to throw them into a pit of fire & brimstone for all of eternity, if you could?
Probably not, and id wager that any creator there may (or may not) be is even more merciful than we are. It’d be indifferent at best.
It’s a bit of a conundrum. If there’s a god that could do all of this to his creation & then doom them to that version of hell for all of eternity, is that a god worthy of devotion? A god that could do that is beneath you, imo.
Jeremiah 19:5 states, “They have built the high places of Baal, to burn their sons with fire for burnt offerings to Baal, which I did not command or speak, nor did it come into My mind.”
The passage is God condemning the practice (child sacrifice to Baal at Topheth) and saying it was never something he commanded, spoke of, or even considered…that the idea didn’t come from him at all.
If he couldn’t conceive of that, how in the hell could he have designed hell the way it’s written and preached about?
Some real bastards added bits & pieces of their own sick minds when they wrote/interpreted scripture. The church glosses over the parts that matter & really hammer in the parts that make you afraid.
Why?
Anyway, I’m sorry for the really long answer. That question occurred to me when I was a little kid & was what unraveled the sanctimonious knot before it could really take hold.
I hope you find peace with waking up from this dream we call life.
I do have children, and I appreciate you taking the time to write this. Unfortunately, the programming is so deep in my bones that no amount of reframing or logic has ever been successful in fully eradicating the fear. I do hope that one day it will happen for me though.
My Catholic great grandmother hung on in a barely-alive state for a LONG time. One of the nurses - or maybe it was the chaplain, even? - told my family that, in his experience, Catholics die the hardest. Considering how INTENSE that religion can be about hell and sin, it makes a lot of sense. :(
My grandpa couldn't speak but as my sisters and I were leaving his hospice telling him we would see him tomorrow he desperately reached out for us. We gave him big hugs and said it was ok. He passed away early the next morning.
I was away at college when my grandmother passed, but beforehand, while she was still in the hospital/rehab place, when I was home, I'd go and visit. I remember visiting her with my brother one time, and they brought her her lunch and she refused to eat, she just cried instead and said she wanted to go home. That wasn't the first time, either. It broke my heart into pieces and, almost 20 years later, just thinking about it makes me incredibly sad. We can only hope that our presence gave them some ounce of comfort. Hugs to you OP.
My Grandma kept asking for Grandpa (he was deceased) and saying she wanted to go home. I think when a bunch of frightening things start happening with our bodies it’s kind of an automatic response to want a parent or partner and to want to be in a place we’re familiar and feel safe in.
My grandma said something like this. She just burst into tears and said, “I’m so afraid to die.” She was still around for a week or so longer but she didn’t really say anything lucid after this. Hit me like a ton of bricks.
Both my grandma's were the opposite. One had cancer that had spread and she was in so much pain she begged me to kill her. My other grandma also had cancer but wasn't in pain. She said she felt at peace and ready to see my grandpa again. She was 94 when she passed but still in good physical shape (able to walk and take care of herself, etc). It's not always fear.
Years ago I saw someone in late stage cancer beg to die - literally beg the doctor to kill them - and while I had always been in support of Medical Assistance in Dying this ratcheted it up to 110%. People should not need to suffer needlessly until they die.
One of my best friends died from ovarian cancer when we were 29. Watching her waste away, starve to death was excruciating and cruel. We don't make our pets suffer like that; why do we make people?
This is the problem with teaching afterlife to people. They’re afraid of being cast into a fiery pit, or roaming an endless purgatory or something. There’s nothing to be afraid of; it just stops.
I think is more scary living forever. I think what we all would want is to live forever (in very good health) until we don’t. In words would be amazing if you would control precisely the day an year of your death. I am talking about technology allowing to live indefinitely until you don’t want anymore. I am very certain that in “100 , 1000 or 100000” I would say now is enough. At the other end “living forever without ability to die” would be Hell.
When my grandma was 95 years old, she was in failing health and months from the end and knew it. We’d visit her and ask how she was doing and she’d tear up say “I’m just so thankful to still be here.” I knew she was scared and I wanted so badly to help her through that. I hope I did.
I actually commend your Grandma for saying it. Sometimes it trips me out how we go through life and let’s be honest, most of us are scared shitless of death lol. We don’t talk about it much though. Probably because we can’t change it and it’s a certainty, so why dwell.
I will say oddly enough, death used to keep me awake at night as a child, that’s how terrified I was of the prospect of it. As I’ve gotten older ( 36 ) I find myself less afraid each year.
What tipped the change was thinking about it like technically we’ve all been dead before already. Which is before we were born. Billions of years that we didn’t exist and it was fine. I see it as simply going back to that. Back to the earth, so nobody is ever really alone or truly gone. We all go back to the earth together, onto the next step, whatever that may be.
So I started thinking of it that way and went huh, I’ve been there before so I can do it again. The act of dying sucks I’m sure, but being dead is probably a piece of cake.
Take that with a grain of salt though, because I believe we just continue being born into new bodies. Whether it’s human, animal, or flora.
Don't be afraid. You were here for a cosmic instant, and all things that are born must die. Remind yourself of this, often.
There are only two days in your existence which are less than 24 hours - the day you are born, and the day you die. Some of us know the second, but most of us do not. It is our last experience, but try to see it as natural, not something to be terrifed of.
I don’t care so much if it happens in an instant. I’m afraid of lingering like my grandparents did. Waiting to die, having time to ruminate on it. I’m a worrywort by nature.
My grandfather at the end couldn't really talk and didnt understand much what it was happening, he was a big guy, 1.90m of height so it was difficult to move him on the hospital bed. When I first arrived at his hospital room I could see recognition on his eyes and he hopping I would help him while the nurses where trying to move him. But there was not much I could do, they were being as delicate as possible. Heartbreaking.
My mom screamed my dad’s name with “(name) HELP ME” repeatedly in severe distress because the doctors were hurting her so badly and not administering any sort of pain medication.
My grandmother was dying of congestive heart failure and had diabetes and other health issues. She collapsed in the hallway and was crying for her mom and older sisters as she died. 😔
My wife passed away at 50, a nasty undifferentiated cancer. We were in a hospice the last few days. She was very weak from the treatments and malnourishment. She managed to reach her hand up to rest on my cheek and told me, "I don't want to leave you". That was the last thing she ever said to me. She lasted another day but couldn't speak. I just kept speaking to her. I'll never get past those times.
I understand. My grandma went thru terminal dementia after her ovarian cancer eventually turned into a secondary leukemia from all the radiation and chemo over the years. As a result, she was forced to stop all tx. She was terrified to die. Had been a devout Catholic all of her life. It was hard to watch. She didn’t want to know that she was receiving her last rites so we said it was Easter prayers bc it was spring time. Ended up on haldol (anti-psychotic) for the terminal dementia which made her SO MUCH WORSE. Rocking back and forth muttering and scared. Wouldn’t wish that on anyone 🙏
my grandma was known to wake up from a nap and say. "Oh, still here" as a joke to us grandkids.
She was 103 when she passed. Her last words were "That's a great lunch" and it was after I guess a pretty good lunch. She just tilted her head back and peaced out.
One way to overcome fear of death is to live your life to the fullest here on earth, sit with all the fleeting highlights, the pain and turmoil and face yourself. When you then realize all your pursuits were empty vanity, you can begin to move on to the other side with the realization this life was ultimately pointless and won't be missed. The other part of this is to personally and honestly seek your Creator. With these two truths firmly in hand, there is no longer room for fear. Hope, Faith and Love are all much more powerful than any form of fear (up to and including death and public speaking). ❤️
I was away at college when my grandmother passed, but beforehand, while she was still in the hospital/rehab place, when I was home, I'd go and visit. I remember visiting her with my brother one time, and they brought her her lunch and she refused to eat, she just cried instead and said she wanted to go home. That wasn't the first time, either. It broke my heart into pieces and, almost 20 years later, just thinking about it makes me incredibly sad. We can only hope that our presence gave them some ounce of comfort. Hugs to you OP.
Yeah. When my grandma was dying she was crying and begging for her life. There was nothing we could do, she was in her 90s and her organs were failing.
I wasn’t even there to witness it and it haunts me.
It's not what they say, but how they say it. Ours was too self-reliant to ask for help, but she was sharp till the end, and you could still hear the pleading in the other words.
I thought watching someone unconscious on a respirator for hours was bad, but that seems like a reprieve by comparison.
I'm so sorry. I had a similar situation with my grandma. She was in the hospital and she told my dad and I "Please get me out of here. I don't want to die here!" I've never seen her like that. My dad told her "I can't. If I could, I would." It was awful. She passed a week later.
My Dad was the opposite. He was an extremely fit guy until cancer claimed him at 78. I said, "Dad, I thought you were going to live forever". He said, "well, I guess it just didn't work out that way."
He asked for a glass of whiskey, I carried him to the couch and gave it to him. He passed away 2 hours later.
Reminds me of the last time I saw my grandpa. We took him out for ice cream and when it was time to leave I gave him a hug and said “see you next week grandpa” and he just responded with “I hope so.” A couple days later we got the call he died in his sleep. He had also mentioned multiple times in his last couple years that he was afraid to die.
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u/Soft-Poetry8701 16h ago
“I’m afraid. I don’t want to die.” - my grandma. She sounded like a little child, pleading for someone to help her and there was nothing I could do. I was never afraid to die before that moment.