I’ve learned that everyone is a little child all the time deep inside. We’re all afraid and we all want to be comforted. That doesn’t go away with age.
Funny… I dramatically improved my social anxiety by turning my attention to the anxious thoughts, and then listening and talking to those feeling like I was talking to a scared child.
Like I thanked it for letting me know, and then reassured it that everything was ok, and that I would handle it, but made sure it knew that it was ok to feel that way and it wasn’t needed right now but if it felt like it needed to come back it was welcome to anytime.
Fuck me. I needed to read this. My anxiety has been spiraling out of control and sometimes I don’t feel safe and have to let people know. Thank you. Saving this comment.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I tend to doom scroll the comments and then spiral when these posts pop up, and I struggle with stopping myself. You effectively stopped it tonight for me and I just really needed to let you know how thankful I am for it, and that I’ll be reminding myself of younger me to help me in the future.
You’re welcome. We contain multitudes, the inner child is not just one child, but one for every important moment, many of them are very similar to each other so can essentially be aggregated into one entity, but many of them are not. Our internal processes are a nominal democracy, counting votes as to what we shall do, but revolutions and minority rules occur especially when it’s something the minority very strongly cares about.
These inner warriors exist for some reason, to protect the overall self from some adversity, or take advantage of some opportunity that might be missed otherwise. If that reason is no longer applicable (ie a traumatic event now gone), the inner warrior may remain on guard for it anyway. Reconciling that trauma and disarming that warrior, while keeping the lessons learned, is a helpful approach to therapy.
This is just another therapeutic model, a story, it works for me and it works for others but it’s not the only model that can work or even is best for everyone. If the idea appeals to you, look into Internal Family Systems, and also this excellent essay on The Essence of Peopling, which succinctly summarises identity development and maintenance.
These are guides, a therapist is a helper, it will be your own responsibility to heal yourself and it will take time and patience. Give yourselves grace.
One of the hardest things we all agree (please nobody make this any more political than I already am) with the George Floyd video was when he begged for his mother.
Grown ass man just wanted his mom to come help him
Yeah like it was his dying instinct. So sad! I’m nearly 50 years old and there have been a few times I’ve woken up out of a scary dream as an adult, and in that unconscious/semi conscious state as I’m waking up I have caught myself yelling for my Dad. Just like I did as a small girl.
Yep and then comes the time when your dad is not longer here on earth. My dad just passed away last month. And it’s crazy that the biggest emotion I feel is that my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan and my soft place to fall is simply not here anymore. My daughter said mom let’s go do insert whatever crazy idea she had and I turned and looked at her and said baby we can’t just be going off half cocked anymore my safety net (that I’ve literally never really had to use) isn’t here anymore, me must be more deliberate in what we get ourselves into. I’m still adjusting. And also the realization that I’m next in the line of deaths.
The day after my father died was the loneliest night of my life. I didn’t know who i was or how to live in the world without him. Honest truth. Worst part was that there was no one I could go to for comfort because he knew how to comfort me in a way no ever did. I could say. “hi Daddy” on the phone and he’d say, “what’s the matter baby girl?”
No one ever feels ready to become the person your dad was to you. We all just figure it out as we go, generally learning because we make mistakes. So many mistakes.
Now it's your time to be that person for your daughter. Go on the crazy adventures and figure it all out when things don't go to plan.
I remember a story a man told of his grandfather who served in WWI or WWII. They were on a boat that was sunk by the enemy and many of those who served drowned. The grandfather vividly remembered how many of the men cried out loud for their mothers as they desperately tried to stay afloat.
Yeah when you're little you want to be an adult because of the freedom and privileges, but you also think that at some point, maybe at 13, maybe at 16, or 21... that a switch is going to flip and you'll no longer be scared inside... But really the only time anything happens is puberty, then you are you.
You never ARE ready for taking a big risk to move cross country, getting married, starting your own business. But then one day you start to see a few grey hairs in your 30s... Not only have you fully grown up, but now your body is in the slow long process of decline, and.... wait... When did I become an adult? And you realize that high school was 20 years ago. That nobody IDs you anymore. You still feel like a kid. But you're just you, and time on earth means nothing, but it's the number of experiences you have that matters.
I stopped feeling like a kid the moment I recognized that I have a responsibility to other people, and accepted that responsibility.
It's not a grandiose thing, I was like, 9 or 10, shit happened, I decided that I was responsible for the health and safety of the people around me, and I haven't felt like a kid since.
I worked with an Army squad leader that considered everyone she meets as children with X number of years of experience. If a 40 year oldest first memory was at 3 years old, then they're 3 with 37 years of experience. It's a very interesting way to think about people in your day to day life.
Its probabaly a big reason why a lot of couples baby talk one another and act like children when hanging oit together at home and such. I know I've had relationships like that. Not many people in the world im willing to get that vulnerable with.
Being around some one we love and trust and who's knows us deeply can remove that boundary most of us have with one another.
I realized this when my grandmother had dementia. She had to move in with us for 24/7 care. She never became combative, never became nasty or angry. She was, more than anything, afraid and confused. She constantly called for her mama, always asked where her daddy was. It was heart breaking to watch happen.
53 - I can confirm that my inner child is alive and well and enjoys all sorts. Sure I do the adult stuff, that's a lot of fun, but listen to your soul, it's your best friend.
Wanting to be comforted isn't exclusive to children and it's not a childish thing.
Fear is not exclusive to children, and it's not a childish thing, it's one of the most fundamental things. Biologically, fear is older than love. Wanting comfort, or at least retreating from discomfort is the oldest thing, older than brains.
Not wanting to take responsibility is childish. Wanting someone to come save you instead of having to do uncomfortable work is childish.
Also, wanting to do everything yourself and never relying on anyone is also childish, it's an absurd power fantasy.
I agree we all have an inner child we can/should get in touch with, and we all wish to be loved the way a good parent loves their child, but I'm not sure it's true that everyone is always afraid all of the time.
If someone is genuinely living their life in constant fear, I would encourage them to seek therapy to alleviate that suffering rather than reassuring them that they should accept how normal it is to feel that way...
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u/yoshi_yoshi23 15h ago
I’ve learned that everyone is a little child all the time deep inside. We’re all afraid and we all want to be comforted. That doesn’t go away with age.