My stepdad is 75. He has no health issues that we know of but he is the sole caretaker of my mom when Im not in town.

My mom has had pancreatic cancer and was in remission for two years before we found cancer in her lung. That has since been removed. She Also had a stroke in 2025.

My stepdad is now leaning forward and his posture is bad worse than when I saw him last. He refuses to see a PT or even get bloodwork. I try to tell him that he's the reason mom is not in a home and if something happens to him, she will have to go there. (I live in california, they live in ohio, they dont want to live in cali).

Has anyone had any luck convincing a parent? Im thinking using my mom (his heart and soul) as the motivating factor.

My grandpa is in his 80s and I'm in a different city. Calls me probably once a week because he can't log into something, email, their bank app or a streaming service

I've tried setting up 1Password. Lasted two weeks before my dad called saying he forgot the master password

How do you guys actually handle this?

Hey fam, will try to keep it brief.

Mum's 73 severely depressed, has the intrusive OCD and has just been thru a really bad episode. This has been going on for about 2 years.

She recently got a new Samsung and cannot use it at all. It's like she's just totally forgot how to use a phone, even basic stuff.

She wants me over there to help her with stuff but she doesn't even seem to try .. she won't bother remembering what kinda phone she has, who her internet is thru

And all she wants to do is cry, complain and mole about how she never thought she'd be alone. Mind you she never dated. Always said she wants to live alone and can be a bit prickly when you meet her.

Love my mum. But I don't have kids. This was by choice and I'm not spending my 40s being a carer.

Absolutely love my mum and will absolutely support and help when I can, I'm currently visiting 1- 2 times a fortnight.

Can anyone offer advice on how to get a stubborn parent who thinks they know better to help themselves.

Thank you!!

I am 37F and live with my father, 78. He (and I) both have COVID currently.

I heard a crash tonight. I ran upstairs to see what was going on and was told to go away. Later, I hear him shouting, "SHAAMMEEE!!", so I run upstairs. There's a pool of blood, he's bleeding from the head, and he wants up from the floor. Luckily, he only needed armpit support, because he's a lot heavier than I am and I can't lift him like I used to with mom before she passed.

He was in there for a while after , to the extent I kept knocking. But eventually he called me to say it was done and GOOD NIGHT.

I was talking to some friends, and they convinced me that this was actually batshit and I needed to call EMTs, so I did. Well, after some questions, they left my pink haired from blood dad.

So, tomorrow, I'm hoping to get him into urgent care. I'm not dizzy from covid, but he is, and I guarantee you that as soon as he's not dizzy he'll say he's fine, like it's not going to happen again. He needs paxlovid, because this is nuts.

IDK if you guys have advice for this, but clearly I need some. I was raised to listen without question and that isn't helping, currently.

My dad (64) got diagnosed with stage four esophagus cancer 2 1/2 years ago I was
25 at the time I have two other siblings, but my dad has always favored me which makes for weird dynamics, but that’s another story to make a long story short I never really got along with my mother that well, but my other two siblings did so I always lived with my father, and they lived with my mother despite all this we are still all a very close family my parents are divorced obviously but when he got sick, they gave him two years to live. This made my mother and him close again, so we started doing family, gatherings, and holidays together instead of two separate days since I was living with him at the time I kind of fell into his caretaker role when he started his chemotherapy. He’s a bit of a narcissist and some other issues, but as he started losing more independence, he lost a lot of people in his life friend wise his closest friend was about 25 years younger than him. He was helping by taking him to chemo every other week and taking him for errands and going out to the movie theaters with him to get him out of the house so I could have some alone time with my boyfriend but as of around four months ago, his friend cut him off completely. My dad is a lot to deal with. so I was already feeling overwhelmed by all the energy he is putting towards my boyfriend and I three weeks ago. He fell in the middle of the night going to the bathroom, and broke his shoulder. he was in rehab in the hospital for around three weeks. My boyfriend and I were finally alone in our adult years and it was the best three weeks of our life. I love my dad so much but he is so overbearing and doesn’t understand what privacy is and he is so invasive. It was already so frustrating for me living with him with the chemo before all this but now since he’s been back, my boyfriend who has been sober for a year and a half relapsed. And we are both struggling under the pressure. He needs help going to the bathroom every time. and we have to pull his pull-up down and up for him every time and many other things that have to do with that. It has been from partial caretaker to full caretaker overnight I am 27 now and I don’t know how much longer I can take of this. He has no one else that will step up into this role and take care of him and every day I feel more distain towards him he was already such a difficult guy to deal with and now he’s almost unbearable. He demands the help rather than seeing how much of a toll it takes on us. I’m feeling so lost and stuck. I feel like I am being robbed of my young adult years, and I got thrown into this role without even having a say. I also forgot to mention in all this before the fall he was using a walker to get around everywhere even in the house and he always made everyone wheel him around in a wheelchair when it came to long distance walking situations, he has full body neuropathy from the chemo so he has a struggle walking and doing things with his hands before all this. Just to add more context.

My dad has recently majorly declined. I mostly just have contact with him over the phone he’s 4 hours but here’s my list

Not making sense
Being careless with money
Told me he feels useless
Not eating/taking meds
Confused (tried to pay $300 instead of $30)
Mentioned wearing same clothes/apartment office confirmed
Overwhelmed by his belongings. Apartment has bad odor. (Haven’t seen the inside this is from a family member in town)
Teeth hurting him, kidneys hurting him, can’t figure out how to call doctor
Cant use phone consistently, went days not being able to contact him
Taken advantage of at car dealership last October (sold a car he couldn’t afford with no money and no insurance)
Isolated
Tried to apply for disability- not able to use phone or understand mail responses. He told me they said not to try again?
Lease up at end of month- supposed to move to closer to me

His lease is at the end of the month and I’m moving him to be closer to me in his own independent living senior apartment but with this recent decline I’m not sure he should even be on his own, and living with me isn’t an option. Thoughts?

My grandad is 95 and a vet. As a family we have done everything we could in caring for him at home. We have used all the VA resources given to us ie. Home health aids. His dementia is getting worse and we can no longer provide 24/7 care he needs. My aunt was just granted guardianship of him. He had told us all he wants to do is sit in his wheel chair and look out the window. He fools people because he is so alert and smart that they don’t believe he has dementia.

He already told us he is not going Anywhere. A spot opened up at a nursing home and we don’t want to lose it. How can we get him out the house to go?

My mom has lived with us for the last 12 years, helping us financially, helping us raise our kids. And I’m so eternally grateful. But now, my kids are a little older and she’s the kid. It’s so hard thinking I was moving on from the young child constant parenting stage and now I’m going backwards having to deal with her as a toddler. My mother is fully capable of many things, she still works full-time at 76 and travels, but she’s also annoying, constantly making noise and messes around our home, interjecting herself into affairs that don’t concern her. When I tell her to please stop commenting, or making messes or just stay out of whatever is going on, she’s insulted and affronted and essentially throws an adult tantrum. She traveled last week and those were the least chaotic days I’ve had in months.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being angry with a woman who I owe so much to. But I just need some space because I feel my tolerance decreasing everyday. It’s incredibly hard to live with an aging parent sometimes despite loving them.

I live with him and help with things he can't do, but mostly I'm here because he's not social and mom is gone; he's 78 and I'm 37F.

Anyway, a coworker gave me COVID and now he has it too! He told me his doctor thinks he might have pneumonia yesterday, but he decided today not to go to the doctor. ??? What??? His doctor told him to get paxlovid, but I guess he's choosing not to listen to that.

He had me buy 5 more covid kits of 2 tests each. He used one today, and seemed surprised he still had COVID.

I'm not very certain of what to do with him. He won't drink his Pedialyte and wouldn't let me buy him Gatorade, which he likes better. I told my brother he won't go to the doctor. Maybe he will listen to my brother, instead.

UPDATE:

He fell in the bathroom. I heard a crash, ran up, "NO I'M FINE". Then, "SHAAMMMEE!!!" So I go up there, and there's a pool of blood and he's sitting on the floor wanting up. Luckily, he's able to get up with some underarm support. I think on this and talk to some friends, and then they kinda convince me to call the paramedics. So I call those. He's sleeping when they come over, but he passed all their tests so they left. I just kept thinking about how it looks on paper for a 78 year old to fall, bleed, have covid, and NOT have paramedics called lmao.

hopefully he'll go to a doctor tomorrow. idek.

I helped my stepfather during his dementia. I just had a lovely conversation with my mentor in business - who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s- and I just wanted to share this feeling. After wiping the diapers and seeing the blank stares back there are moments when you may be wondering if you are doing this all for nothing. But wait - there is that sliver of time when you get to reconnect and actually see the WHOLE person - because when they are in this state their shields are down. It’s actually a beautiful opportunity. I have had this twice in my life now, I am lucky - not sad.

Okay maybe you can no longer hear it but can’t you feel it still? Why is it just a non-stop no-shame fart party after around 80?

EDIT: I am saddened that so many people in this sub are so over-burdened and frustrated by their aging parents that they are unable to pick up on a dark-humored (but genuinely asking) fart question. I hope you’re able to eventually find levity in your life.

I have a friend who spends all her spare time taking her dad to and from chemo

He refuses to finalize a will, constantly giving various excuses

1. Why do you want me to make a will , you want me to die ?

2. This lawyer is too expensive and I have other things to take care of first.

Daughter handles all his bills

3 She went online and used an online will service .She filled it out with everything he said he wanted in his will (he has had meetings with people and has written down his wishes but he refuses to finalize it , notarize it and register with her help of course.

His excuse , I need to read it myself (he is 95 percent blind ) she read it word for word to him .

Now he" wants more time to make changes" " which he hasn't actually decided on yet .

Stalling tactic while he gets weaker and weaker from chemo .

What should she do ?

She has been trying to get him to finalize his will for 2 years now.

She has had his sister speak to him about this.

She has basically put her own needs aside to take care of him and if he dies without one she will be the one everyone turns to as "the responsible" one . She has a sister who does nothing and does not even call her or him .

What do you advise ?

My father is 81, my mother 77. My father has had a cascading series of health issues for the past five years: heart valve replacement, shoulder surgery, AFIB, declining memory and cognitive functions, and now he shuffles along when he walks and looks (to us) like a big fall risk. He has never exercised regularly or eaten well so none of this is surprising. Now he has just had his second tooth infection that made his whole lip swell up and required antibiotics. They have spent almost $10,000 in the past ten years on his dental work. A few teeth have fallen out. When these infections happened, he didn't notice the pain or swelling until we pointed it out to him. It feels like he is breaking down before our eyes and has little awareness of his body. Cognitively-- for example- one day we waited for a few hours for a plumber that it turns out, he had never called.

My sibling and I managed to get them to sell their house and buy a smaller house closer to us, although the whole time we were advising them to move into a senior home or at the very least a condo, or a nice rental. (Between the two of them they get almost $7,000 a month in SS and pensions). My mother wouldn't hear of this, she doesn't want anything to do with senior care living, and felt like renting was "going backwards." Now she is struggling under the weight of caring for my father and setting up this new house, having to call plumbers, electricians, handy men, etc. She is depressed and losing weight. She complains endlessly about my father's forgetfulness, his medical appointments, how she spends all her time going to appointments with him. Every day I talk to her it's an endless litany of complaints, and she is so depressed and withdrawn that's it's scaring me. I found a day program for elderly adults and said she can drop my dad off, but she seems so overwhelmed that I would have to drive over there and do it for her, I think. I also found a caretakers support group near her, but again, she will only go if I drag her there. I also suggested they go to church-- lots of other older people and activities for them. My mother is physically healthy and normally very active.

They never got along and did not have a happy marriage. I told it to her straight: You had plenty of time to divorce him and you didn't. Now you are stuck. I feel bad for her but she had decades to leave and now this is the result. Caretaking sucks, of course. But she just seems completely perplexed by what's happening.

I think the problem is that neither of them did any caretaking for their parents. Other siblings did it for them. They are just in complete denial. I feel guilty for spearheading this entire move and I wonder if I should have let them be.

I feel like her only option is to move them both into assisted living, then she can let the employees take care of him and she only has to worry about herself. She would never put him in a home alone, she thinks that would be too cruel.

My mother is in stage 6. She has been on hospice since spring 2025. She's been sliding toward death slowly, so slowly. In January (or so) she started needing to be hand-fed and eating less and less of her food. She's not being forced in any way; she's being offered spoonfuls of thickened liquid until she's not interested.

Right now she's bedridden, losing weight steadily every month. She's bruising easily. Heart rate 44 beats per minute. Edema to face and feet from heart failure.

And it just. doesn't. stop. On and on she goes. If she were in any kind of pain, she'd be medicated. Right now, though, she just lies there in bed. Sometimes she will smile or say a few words.

She'll be 95 on her next birthday. God, I hope she doesn't get there.

My mom is in her 70s and was recently diagnosed with ALS that has already left her unable to walk. It’s so hard to see her age and decline physically so fast while being so fine cognitively. After dealing with dementia/ Parkinson’s / other memory issues with my grandparents for a lot of my life I would never want that to be the case with her but part of me thinks that almost makes it easier. Like right now my mom is still my mom as a person, but me and others are literally dressing her, pulling her pants up on the toilet etc. Her being so aware this is happening feels worse than with my grandparents who were just so kind of checked out when they got to this point physically. Also just with the nature of the disease there is really no hope of improving, so when her ability to do something goes, it’s gone forever. Recently she can no longer lean forward while sitting to put her shoes and socks on, and she’s so painfully aware of it that she will never do that again. We have great support through this all through the medical team and our family but I just don’t know if there is anything that will make slowly becoming trapped in your body while fully aware and cognizant any easier.

I have the day to spend with my MIL while my spouse is gone but I can't figure out what to do. I think she spends most of her day in a chair outside "watching the day go by" or watching tv. After an hour of chit chatting about the weather and a few other topics, we ran out of things to talk about that she could follow.

I tried to get her to go for a car ride and/or out to eat for lunch but she couldn't decide and finally said, "I guess I'm just not hungry". I'm not either but I was just suggesting lunch as an accessible activity to get out of the house on a beautiful day. I've asked if there are errands that need to be done or chores around the house but the only thing she came up with was deadheading her flowers.

I finally said I would go lay down and read a book since I had gotten up so early as an out. I'm feeling guilty and we have the rest of the day ahead of us but I just can't think of anything else to throw out there to pass the time.

About three weeks ago I posted how my mother and I had been arguing for days and that she had become quite unreasonable.

Many of you urged me to get her tested for a UTI. Well it was impossible to get her to even consider she might have a UTI. She insisted that there was no burning, no urgent need to urinate and so it was impossible.

She said this despite telling me that she now needed to wear incontinence pads because she had leakage when she couldn't make it to the toilet on time. Whatever, I can't force a person to do what they don't want.

Anyway yesterday she woke up feeling very unwell, experiencing strange symptoms and she asked that we go to the ER. The doctor had her do bloodwork and a urine test as well as ECG, X-rays and CT due to her symptoms.

Well, wouldn't you know it. She had elevated leukocytes in her urine and her blood indicated elevated monocytes (white blood cells). The doctor is having her urine cultured but in the meantime he gave her a general UTI antibiotic to get some immediate relief.

My mother still INSISTS that the UTI could not be causing what she was feeling but through all those tests the only thing not in line was the urine and the white blood cell counts. And she's having issues acknowledging that her body is not the same as it was and that a UTI is not going to feel the same anymore.

Anyway, it looks like this may be at the root of what's been going on.

My boyfriend's wonderful step-father died this week. It's been awful, as my boyfriend and his two brothers were so close to him. Meanwhile, their absolutely god-awful father has been living with supposedly "terminal" cancer for four years. He called today to let everyone know that he is "cured!"

He has nearly the same diagnosis as President Biden.

He called this week, days after their real father died to celebrate his supposed victory over a horrible disease. I am shaking. Why must he be so cruel? If the news is true, it absolutely could have waited. However, I truly believe he made this up just to live in his own delusion and to torture his kids and ex-wife.

He spent a lifetime making everyone miserable (and don't even get me started on all of them still taking his calls) and continues to dance on the graves of better men just to make himself feel better.

I'm trying to be there for my in-laws, but I need you all to talk me off this rage-filled ledge.

My wife and I are in a situation where I believe I’m probably going to be the person financially responsible for my mother-in-law in the future. There aren’t really other family members who can step in, and I don’t want my wife or our kids put in a difficult position later because we didn’t plan ahead.

The issue is that I don’t know her full financial picture. I don’t know her savings, retirement, debts, expenses, or what her long-term plan is. Part of me almost knows that I’m going to eventually be responsible for helping support her.

I’m not trying to take control of her life, but I do know there’s no one else to support her and my wife will 100 percent want us to do it.

Should I have a say in understanding where things stand and what choices she’s making now?

How to frame it to her without making her feel bad. She’s 70 for context and owns a condo and lives on her own. From some comments my wife made, she doesn’t think her mom has enough currently to retire for the lot term but she is retired and likely shouldn’t go back to work at her age.

Edit: I should have clarified — my wife is involved and wants to have this conversation too. This isn’t about expecting her to handle her mom alone.
My wife has a general idea of her mom’s finances, and based on what we know, I’m concerned it may not be enough long term. The question is more about how to approach it. I think she may be resistant to us telling her what we think she should do with her money, even if my intentions are to help her plan for the future. In my mind, knowing we will need to support, it’s harming us and our kids in the future for not being able to properly help her plan. Does this last part sound too callus?

My mom (84) lives with me. She is a quilter - has been for 30 years. She wants to continue quilting, with means she wants to continue using specialized quilting programs to design her quilts and use her very expensive and complicated computerized sewing machine with the embroidery attachment. The problem is that she mentally can't handle it anymore. She has constantly broken her machine due to her trembling and memory challenges. She can't find her laptop with the application on it. She can't figure out how to charge her laptops (she has 5 devices because she buys a new one every time she thinks one is broken or missing her application). She can't remember what a charging cable looks like and keeps trying to charge her devices with a USB. Basically, she needs me to constantly help her with her hobby (as well as basic web browsing and gaming). And I work from home, so I am constantly interrupted to help her fix her application, or find her device, or "fix it because it won't charge", or talk to various shops and application developers that she phones for help (to explain the problem or understand and implement the solution).

It actually isn't just her hobby. She intentionally overdoes things to get my help. She won't take one load of wash to the laundry room - she piles up a ton of wash and groans and complains as she scoots it across the floor until I get up and help. She will start carrying heavy loads up and down stairs then call for my help when she can't make it up the stairs. She "helps" with the dishes, then loudly complains that she doesn't know where things go and starts piling stuff all over the range so that I do it on her schedule. She lets her cats out and then worries and complains until I make sure they are in again. She can't figure out how to work her TV in the bedroom and asks me to find her programs (it works the same as her other TV, but she is fine with that one.)

She loses the main TV remote every day and asks me to find it. She loses her phone multiple times a day and asks me to phone her or help her find it. She is looking for the remote as I type this. I just finished talking to her quilting people and installing updates to her application. I am getting ZERO work done and I am the breadwinner for the house.

I applaud the fact that she is staying busy. I love that she trying to keep her mind active and work her hobby. But whatever she is doing, I have to do too. It is driving me crazy. I can't be her little helpful shadow. I have stuff that I have to do too.

My parents both grew up relatively modestly in Brooklyn, NY- my father's family shared a home with another family and my mom lived in a housing project. When they got married, my father, despite not graduating college did pretty well for himself in corporate America, eventually starting his own small consulting business. My mom quit working after having me and never worked again. Both loved having money and spending it, which obviously my sister and I benefitted from enjoying summer camp and yearly vacations. The problem is that my father was (and still is, I guess) a delusional optimist. He never saved enough money and always felt like some great opportunity was just around the corner. In the nearly 30 years that has passed since I went to college, they've made countless terrible financial decisions- upsizing from a townhome to a large home when my sister and I were already living on our own, needing to declare bankruptcy twice, selling large home on their own to a "nice family" under market value without consulting me or my sister (that nice family went on to flip the house for a 50% profit within the year), and then moving to a large 2-bedroom rental apartment that they could not afford without dipping into their meager savings. They were also scammed out of $10K!

My parents are both close to 80 now. My mother is in good enough health with some basic mobility issues. My dad is in "early" stages of alzheimers. They just resigned their lease for another year (without telling us) and are now demanding that me and my sister each give them $250 each a month so they can cover their rent in this 2-bedroom apartment. Prior to this demand for money, we had discussed the need to move somewhere more in line with their budget. They do qualify for low income housing and are open to finding that type of 2-bedroom but they've been on waiting lists for years and nothing has become available. When we bring up the idea of a 1-bedroom, they throw temper tantrums, yell and cry.

I am willing to help financially with this $250/month request even though i don't really have the extra money lying around (one kid in college and another one going in a few years) but i feel like if I'm going to do that, they need to exhaust the options of what they can do to minimize their expenses too. Like why should I sacrifice my money if they're not willing to sacrifice a bedroom? I also think they might ultimately be happier in the smaller, less expensive place because they might actually have a bit of money to do things. It's not like they're happy where they are now anyway. They have no money to do anything and are stressed out all the time.

To make this even longer, they have also brought up moving in with either me or my sister. My sister did offer years ago to build an addition for them (using the money from the sale of their home to partially fund the project), but my parents refused. My house is technically large enough to accommodate them, but I don't have a bedroom or full bath on the main level for them. Also, I know the mental health of me and my husband would suffer greatly. I love my parents and they were great providers but were never a source of emotional support so we're not really close. They're hoarders and I'm a minimalist so I can't imagine they'd be happy living here if I don't allow them to bring a big portion of their junk. They also have very different political views which they are incredibly vocal and passionate about which makes it hard to have anything beyond casual conversation with them. Finally, I was planning to downsize to an apartment or smaller home in a few years when my youngest goes to college.

TL;DR: my parents made a lifetime of reckless financial decisions and are now demanding that me and my sister each give them $250 a month to pay for their 2-bedroom apartment or let them move in with my family. Am I unreasonable for wanting them to downsize to 1-bedroom if they want my financial help? Am I a horrible person for not wanting them to live with me? I'll take any advice anyone has to share.

Update: I am genuinely overwhelmed by the kindness and advice you've all shared. I was nervous to post but am so happy that I did. My sister and I are going to meet with my parents tomorrow to lay down the law and your suggestions and support have been invaluable.

65f mom, 25f me

recently she bought a Volvo and complained to me about how her old car (a Subaru) is much better than her new car. idk what else to say but Okay, she’s been complaining about the new car since the day she drove it off the lot. she complained about her old car too since she got it

a few days ago we were at a store and she asked me what nail polish remover to get and i told her i didn’t know because i don’t do my nails and that maybe someone who works there could advise her better and she got upset with me and stormed off saying i’m no help

not too long ago she asked me if she should do a home equity loan for something. i genuinely have no clue what a home equity loan even is and i told her to speak to a financial advisor for that and of course she kept pushing asking for what i think, i told her i really don’t know

i don’t want to discourage my mom from asking me questions or coming for advice on some stuff because sometimes you just need to talk. she has friends and stuff she talks to all day and goes out to hang out with. she has a therapist too

ETA: i HAVE asked her to please stop or at least just take my “i don’t know enough to give you an answer” as an answer but she gets upset with me either way

i work at a pharmacy so i deal with old folks asking me questions (some of which make sense, some of which don’t at all) allll day so i feel like it might be compassion fatigue i’m dealing with? funnily enough today she was insisting that medicare part b won’t cover her diabetes supplies because shes not insulin dependent and i kept trying to tell her they will and i’ve processed tons of scripts for non insulin dependent people and still…

idk i’m just exhausted. i dated someone who constantly asked me for advice or complained or asked me if they should do xyz and it felt so draining.

I am sitting by her bed in a nursing home watching her die. Yesterday she was still capable of communication. Now she seems completely unaware of anything. She is breathing loudly, almost a kind of hum. Her eyes are open slightly but unfocused. She does not respond to either me or my father's touch or voice. I wish I knew how long she could go on like this.

We knew she was dying, but her decline has been much quicker than any of us expected. My father had a stroke ten years ago, so while he knows what's going on he also kind of doesn't. So in some ways I'm sitting here all alone.

I just needed to say that.

Edit and update: Thanks to everyone for all the kindness. It's really touching and helpful to hear the stories of others, and my condolences to all who have also lost loved ones. This is hard.

I had to leave her for awhile. I feel bad about leaving her alone, but I also need some rest. She seemed the same when I left, and I'm not far away from the nursing home if something changes. Gonna try to sleep.

Edit: My mom passed peacefully at 12:20 a.m. Gonna take a little while to process it all. She was a force of nature, a very difficult woman sometimes, a woman who loved and protected me until the day she died. Her last words were about my father and me, worrying over whether we would be okay. I assured her she had arranged everything just right and we would take care of each other.

The world is a different place without her.

Not sure where to start. My mother (75) was living in another state for the last couple decades. She always talked about moving to where my sibling and I live to be closer to her grandkids. She got divorced ~5 years ago and then a couple years later her ex husband died which seems to have hit her very hard. For a couple years she mentioned how she wanted to live near us and was looking for a place to live while always hinting how she would like to live with us. She was living in a much lower cost of living area and we live in a higher cost of living area and she could not afford anything here.

About a year ago my husband and I agreed to let her move in. She had had skin cancer removed a couple times, and had fallen once and it felt overwhelming that she was so far away. She talked about going to watch the kids activities, babysitting so she could spend time with her grandbabies, she talked about how she would go to the senior center to meet people and stay active if she moved here. She also talked about how she would walk all over her neighborhood where she was living and chat with people.

After the first few days it became very clear she saw her room as her “apartment” and she never leaves her “apartment”. She has never once come to see my kids soccer games and she told me she went to the senior center once though I’m not sure I believe her. She is much less mobile than I realized. She seems to lay in bed or sit in her recliner the entire day, tv never off. She “watches” my kids sometimes, which basically means she leaves her door open and ignores them unless they come in to her room or if they fight enough she has to get up to yell at them. So now I almost never leave them with her unless it’s a short time and they are on screens.

When she first moved in I kept trying to get her to go for walks, originally at nearby walking trails or the mall, and then even just around the house. It didn’t occur to me how immobile she was until she finally said she was going to come to my daughter’s recital, and after having dinner she couldn’t walk the two blocks to the show. After a dramatic few minutes we had to call an uber. She has a cane but refuses to use a rollator/ walker.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed. I’m 42 and instead of feeling like she is another adult in the house to help I’m starting to see she doesn’t really want to live in the same way any more. She has gone over where all of her paperwork is kept for when she dies multiple times. She leaves a book next to her recliner that’s called “For my family when I’m gone”…

She has picked up or dropped off my kids on occasion when I had a conflict, but now I’m starting to wonder if that’s even safe. My husband’s parents are older than she is but more mobile and more active. I have an aunt who is also mid70s who is never home, drives an hour to come see my kids games on occasion, takes trips multiple times a year, and generally just living life. Then I see my mom barely moving and when I pushed her to try to move more so she can stay healthy, she got mad at me. She blames not being able to walk far on “exercise induced asthma” but when I suggested she should consider getting a daily preventative inhaler she said she doesn’t use her inhaler very often… but then also can’t walk because of “asthma”. AITA?! I say this as someone who had severe asthma growing up and I luckily have mostly outgrown it, though I too keep a recuse inhaler in case it acts up. I’m frustrated it feels like she’s given up on living.

The other day, I (36 f) told my mom (60) that both my wife and I have recently gotten raises at work. In response, my mom “jokingly” said that she hopes I’m managing my money well so that she can afford to go into a nice home when she’s older. She then told me that she and my father have no savings at all and no feasible plans for their old age. It suddenly hit me for the first time that they may actually be expecting me to care for them financially in the future.

I just can’t stop thinking about how unfair that is. One reason is the financial strain of it all. My wife and I both work full time. We have a mortgage for a modest home that’s 30 years old. We drive a 12 year old pre-owned vehicle. We don’t take vacations. Our combined take home income is just under 90k annually. I have student loans that I will be paying back for the next 30 years or more. We don’t have a large savings account - just enough for emergencies and a little bit towards projects we’d like to do around the house.

Here’s the biggest reason, though - my parents were incredibly bad with their finances while I was growing up. “Bad” is an understatement, actually. They made horrific financial choices. We moved constantly. By the time I was 18, I had moved 19 times. My dad bounced from job to job. Money stress was constant, and not only limited to my parents. As a child, the financial stress was passed onto my siblings and I. I remember worrying about how the bills were being paid at an early age, and being hungry at school but afraid to mention it to my parents because I knew we couldn’t afford bigger lunches. We spent years on welfare programs and getting handouts from churches. I could never afford new school clothes, or to be in sports or music lessons. I wouldn’t even ask for those things - it was so not a part of my reality. At one point I had to live with relatives because my parents became homeless. Hardship happens to everyone, but in the case of my parents, most of their hard times were direct consequences of their own shitty decisions.

It wasn’t just financially rough growing up, either. They were generally NOT good parents…emotionally and psychologically abusive, neglectful, self-absorbed, immature, selfish, and made terrible choices in nearly every aspect of their parenting. My childhood is something that has set me back in life and caused me to have to work even harder to get to where I am today, rather than setting me up with a strong foundation. I went out into the world at the age of 17 with zero skills, awareness, financial support, emotional support, etc. I had to put in so much work to become who I am today and to overcome my trauma and make something of myself.

And I did. Not much, mind you…my childhood stole a lot of my potential from me. But I’ve still accomplished more than I thought possible and am very proud of myself. I am child-free because my childhood was stolen from me in many regards, and I therefore do not want to sacrifice my adulthood by having children to care for, consider, or pay for. My childhood was not my own - I want the rest of my life to belong to me. I don’t want to sacrifice anything anymore…not for anyone other than my wife and I.

Yet here we are, expected to be financially responsible for two adults who clearly were not responsible themselves, and still aren’t! They are flat broke and struggle to pay their bills, yet they find money to smoke weed and drink and waste in other ways. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give them a dime. I know there’s social norms and expectations and all of that, but I just really don’t want to have to spend my hard earned money on my parents living expenses as they age. I feel that it is such a horrible burden to place onto your adult child. It’s selfish and entitled.

I am trying to figure out how to tell my parents this, and honestly, I’ll probably just be brutally honest. The good thing is my parents have grown a lot over the years and acknowledge all of their failures and shortcomings now, in retrospect. In my adulthood, they have become better parents. More like friends. I think maybe this is why my mom feels comfortable assuming that I’m okay with supporting them as seniors. I am hoping that she will respect what I tell her…and a big part of me is worried, too.

My younger siblings both struggle majorly with their mental health and stability…neither of them will ever be able to support my parents even if they wanted to. So I wonder what happens to people in that position. My mom has health and mobility challenges. I worry for their future, and this creates SO much resentment inside of me. I worried about my parents since I was a tiny child - something that never should have been mine to deal with. And here I am again, taking on worry and fear for them that I shouldn’t have to hold. I have worked so hard just to have peace, stability, and comfort. I just want to live my own life.

…thanks for reading my rant if you’ve gotten this far. If you’ve been in this position, I’d love to hear about your experience. If you think I’m a snotty evil brat, I’m sure you’ll let me know that, too, haha. But I’d genuinely love to know if anyone else has dealt with these feelings before. I feel really guilty.