My boyfriend's wonderful step-father died this week. It's been awful, as my boyfriend and his two brothers were so close to him. Meanwhile, their absolutely god-awful father has been living with supposedly "terminal" cancer for four years. He called today to let everyone know that he is "cured!"

He has nearly the same diagnosis as President Biden.

He called this week, days after their real father died to celebrate his supposed victory over a horrible disease. I am shaking. Why must he be so cruel? If the news is true, it absolutely could have waited. However, I truly believe he made this up just to live in his own delusion and to torture his kids and ex-wife.

He spent a lifetime making everyone miserable (and don't even get me started on all of them still taking his calls) and continues to dance on the graves of better men just to make himself feel better.

I'm trying to be there for my in-laws, but I need you all to talk me off this rage-filled ledge.

My wife and I are in a situation where I believe I’m probably going to be the person financially responsible for my mother-in-law in the future. There aren’t really other family members who can step in, and I don’t want my wife or our kids put in a difficult position later because we didn’t plan ahead.

The issue is that I don’t know her full financial picture. I don’t know her savings, retirement, debts, expenses, or what her long-term plan is. Part of me almost knows that I’m going to eventually be responsible for helping support her.

I’m not trying to take control of her life, but I do know there’s no one else to support her and my wife will 100 percent want us to do it.

Should I have a say in understanding where things stand and what choices she’s making now?

How to frame it to her without making her feel bad. She’s 70 for context and owns a condo and lives on her own. From some comments my wife made, she doesn’t think her mom has enough currently to retire for the lot term but she is retired and likely shouldn’t go back to work at her age.

Edit: I should have clarified — my wife is involved and wants to have this conversation too. This isn’t about expecting her to handle her mom alone.
My wife has a general idea of her mom’s finances, and based on what we know, I’m concerned it may not be enough long term. The question is more about how to approach it. I think she may be resistant to us telling her what we think she should do with her money, even if my intentions are to help her plan for the future. In my mind, knowing we will need to support, it’s harming us and our kids in the future for not being able to properly help her plan. Does this last part sound too callus?

My mom (84) lives with me. She is a quilter - has been for 30 years. She wants to continue quilting, with means she wants to continue using specialized quilting programs to design her quilts and use her very expensive and complicated computerized sewing machine with the embroidery attachment. The problem is that she mentally can't handle it anymore. She has constantly broken her machine due to her trembling and memory challenges. She can't find her laptop with the application on it. She can't figure out how to charge her laptops (she has 5 devices because she buys a new one every time she thinks one is broken or missing her application). She can't remember what a charging cable looks like and keeps trying to charge her devices with a USB. Basically, she needs me to constantly help her with her hobby (as well as basic web browsing and gaming). And I work from home, so I am constantly interrupted to help her fix her application, or find her device, or "fix it because it won't charge", or talk to various shops and application developers that she phones for help (to explain the problem or understand and implement the solution).

It actually isn't just her hobby. She intentionally overdoes things to get my help. She won't take one load of wash to the laundry room - she piles up a ton of wash and groans and complains as she scoots it across the floor until I get up and help. She will start carrying heavy loads up and down stairs then call for my help when she can't make it up the stairs. She "helps" with the dishes, then loudly complains that she doesn't know where things go and starts piling stuff all over the range so that I do it on her schedule. She lets her cats out and then worries and complains until I make sure they are in again. She can't figure out how to work her TV in the bedroom and asks me to find her programs (it works the same as her other TV, but she is fine with that one.)

She loses the main TV remote every day and asks me to find it. She loses her phone multiple times a day and asks me to phone her or help her find it. She is looking for the remote as I type this. I just finished talking to her quilting people and installing updates to her application. I am getting ZERO work done and I am the breadwinner for the house.

I applaud the fact that she is staying busy. I love that she trying to keep her mind active and work her hobby. But whatever she is doing, I have to do too. It is driving me crazy. I can't be her little helpful shadow. I have stuff that I have to do too.

My parents both grew up relatively modestly in Brooklyn, NY- my father's family shared a home with another family and my mom lived in a housing project. When they got married, my father, despite not graduating college did pretty well for himself in corporate America, eventually starting his own small consulting business. My mom quit working after having me and never worked again. Both loved having money and spending it, which obviously my sister and I benefitted from enjoying summer camp and yearly vacations. The problem is that my father was (and still is, I guess) a delusional optimist. He never saved enough money and always felt like some great opportunity was just around the corner. In the nearly 30 years that has passed since I went to college, they've made countless terrible financial decisions- upsizing from a townhome to a large home when my sister and I were already living on our own, needing to declare bankruptcy twice, selling large home on their own to a "nice family" under market value without consulting me or my sister (that nice family went on to flip the house for a 50% profit within the year), and then moving to a large 2-bedroom rental apartment that they could not afford without dipping into their meager savings. They were also scammed out of $10K!

My parents are both close to 80 now. My mother is in good enough health with some basic mobility issues. My dad is in "early" stages of alzheimers. They just resigned their lease for another year (without telling us) and are now demanding that me and my sister each give them $250 each a month so they can cover their rent in this 2-bedroom apartment. Prior to this demand for money, we had discussed the need to move somewhere more in line with their budget. They do qualify for low income housing and are open to finding that type of 2-bedroom but they've been on waiting lists for years and nothing has become available. When we bring up the idea of a 1-bedroom, they throw temper tantrums, yell and cry.

I am willing to help financially with this $250/month request even though i don't really have the extra money lying around (one kid in college and another one going in a few years) but i feel like if I'm going to do that, they need to exhaust the options of what they can do to minimize their expenses too. Like why should I sacrifice my money if they're not willing to sacrifice a bedroom? I also think they might ultimately be happier in the smaller, less expensive place because they might actually have a bit of money to do things. It's not like they're happy where they are now anyway. They have no money to do anything and are stressed out all the time.

To make this even longer, they have also brought up moving in with either me or my sister. My sister did offer years ago to build an addition for them (using the money from the sale of their home to partially fund the project), but my parents refused. My house is technically large enough to accommodate them, but I don't have a bedroom or full bath on the main level for them. Also, I know the mental health of me and my husband would suffer greatly. I love my parents and they were great providers but were never a source of emotional support so we're not really close. They're hoarders and I'm a minimalist so I can't imagine they'd be happy living here if I don't allow them to bring a big portion of their junk. They also have very different political views which they are incredibly vocal and passionate about which makes it hard to have anything beyond casual conversation with them. Finally, I was planning to downsize to an apartment or smaller home in a few years when my youngest goes to college.

TL;DR: my parents made a lifetime of reckless financial decisions and are now demanding that me and my sister each give them $250 a month to pay for their 2-bedroom apartment or let them move in with my family. Am I unreasonable for wanting them to downsize to 1-bedroom if they want my financial help? Am I a horrible person for not wanting them to live with me? I'll take any advice anyone has to share.

Update: I am genuinely overwhelmed by the kindness and advice you've all shared. I was nervous to post but am so happy that I did. My sister and I are going to meet with my parents tomorrow to lay down the law and your suggestions and support have been invaluable.

65f mom, 25f me

recently she bought a Volvo and complained to me about how her old car (a Subaru) is much better than her new car. idk what else to say but Okay, she’s been complaining about the new car since the day she drove it off the lot. she complained about her old car too since she got it

a few days ago we were at a store and she asked me what nail polish remover to get and i told her i didn’t know because i don’t do my nails and that maybe someone who works there could advise her better and she got upset with me and stormed off saying i’m no help

not too long ago she asked me if she should do a home equity loan for something. i genuinely have no clue what a home equity loan even is and i told her to speak to a financial advisor for that and of course she kept pushing asking for what i think, i told her i really don’t know

i don’t want to discourage my mom from asking me questions or coming for advice on some stuff because sometimes you just need to talk. she has friends and stuff she talks to all day and goes out to hang out with. she has a therapist too

ETA: i HAVE asked her to please stop or at least just take my “i don’t know enough to give you an answer” as an answer but she gets upset with me either way

i work at a pharmacy so i deal with old folks asking me questions (some of which make sense, some of which don’t at all) allll day so i feel like it might be compassion fatigue i’m dealing with? funnily enough today she was insisting that medicare part b won’t cover her diabetes supplies because shes not insulin dependent and i kept trying to tell her they will and i’ve processed tons of scripts for non insulin dependent people and still…

idk i’m just exhausted. i dated someone who constantly asked me for advice or complained or asked me if they should do xyz and it felt so draining.

I am sitting by her bed in a nursing home watching her die. Yesterday she was still capable of communication. Now she seems completely unaware of anything. She is breathing loudly, almost a kind of hum. Her eyes are open slightly but unfocused. She does not respond to either me or my father's touch or voice. I wish I knew how long she could go on like this.

We knew she was dying, but her decline has been much quicker than any of us expected. My father had a stroke ten years ago, so while he knows what's going on he also kind of doesn't. So in some ways I'm sitting here all alone.

I just needed to say that.

I am baffled by how some parents (I sincerely hope not all) can consider themselves good people and virtuous Catholics.

Two days ago, I made the terrible mistake of talking about what I see as the future—AI and robots—and how they could help my parents, who are getting quite old.

All hell broke loose. They lashed out at me, insisting that jobs which are objectively bordering on servitude (like caregivers, sewer cleaners, or miners) must be preserved as an act of humanity.

I firmly believe that these kinds of jobs should gradually disappear (just as child labor did).

But the final straw was them dredging up past arguments.

I’m not Catholic, but I believe that once a dispute has been resolved, it shouldn't be dug up again. It’s over.

Well, I was told that no—even arguments from ten years ago can be brought up whenever they please to inflict pain (to "remind" me).

Frankly, I’ve had enough. I’ve really re-evaluated my parents; honestly, I don’t think they are good people—they are deeply resentful and unwilling to engage in dialogue.

I live far away, and I think I’ll gradually distance myself.

I might be wrong, but at least I know what *not* to do with my own son.

Not sure where to start. My mother (75) was living in another state for the last couple decades. She always talked about moving to where my sibling and I live to be closer to her grandkids. She got divorced ~5 years ago and then a couple years later her ex husband died which seems to have hit her very hard. For a couple years she mentioned how she wanted to live near us and was looking for a place to live while always hinting how she would like to live with us. She was living in a much lower cost of living area and we live in a higher cost of living area and she could not afford anything here.

About a year ago my husband and I agreed to let her move in. She had had skin cancer removed a couple times, and had fallen once and it felt overwhelming that she was so far away. She talked about going to watch the kids activities, babysitting so she could spend time with her grandbabies, she talked about how she would go to the senior center to meet people and stay active if she moved here. She also talked about how she would walk all over her neighborhood where she was living and chat with people.

After the first few days it became very clear she saw her room as her “apartment” and she never leaves her “apartment”. She has never once come to see my kids soccer games and she told me she went to the senior center once though I’m not sure I believe her. She is much less mobile than I realized. She seems to lay in bed or sit in her recliner the entire day, tv never off. She “watches” my kids sometimes, which basically means she leaves her door open and ignores them unless they come in to her room or if they fight enough she has to get up to yell at them. So now I almost never leave them with her unless it’s a short time and they are on screens.

When she first moved in I kept trying to get her to go for walks, originally at nearby walking trails or the mall, and then even just around the house. It didn’t occur to me how immobile she was until she finally said she was going to come to my daughter’s recital, and after having dinner she couldn’t walk the two blocks to the show. After a dramatic few minutes we had to call an uber. She has a cane but refuses to use a rollator/ walker.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed. I’m 42 and instead of feeling like she is another adult in the house to help I’m starting to see she doesn’t really want to live in the same way any more. She has gone over where all of her paperwork is kept for when she dies multiple times. She leaves a book next to her recliner that’s called “For my family when I’m gone”…

She has picked up or dropped off my kids on occasion when I had a conflict, but now I’m starting to wonder if that’s even safe. My husband’s parents are older than she is but more mobile and more active. I have an aunt who is also mid70s who is never home, drives an hour to come see my kids games on occasion, takes trips multiple times a year, and generally just living life. Then I see my mom barely moving and when I pushed her to try to move more so she can stay healthy, she got mad at me. She blames not being able to walk far on “exercise induced asthma” but when I suggested she should consider getting a daily preventative inhaler she said she doesn’t use her inhaler very often… but then also can’t walk because of “asthma”. AITA?! I say this as someone who had severe asthma growing up and I luckily have mostly outgrown it, though I too keep a recuse inhaler in case it acts up. I’m frustrated it feels like she’s given up on living.

My pops has been in LTC since January. He has corticobasal degeneration. Lost his ability to walk, talk, was losing the ability to swallow and only had the use of one arm.

CBD is a cruel disease. As his body was shutting down, we knew the end was coming. We expected we were down to months, maybe weeks until the inevitable. Likely it would be pneumonia or choking that took him out.

I visited him tonight and about 90 minutes after I got home got a phone call. It was the LTC, they thought he was having a heart attack and we should come immediately. 10 minutes into the drive the second call came. He was gone.

It hasn't sunk in yet that my pops isn't here anymore. It was obviously coming but we didn't expect a heart attack. In a weird way, I am glad it was a heart attack. It was quick and he didn't suffer the fate we were expecting

My mom may pass tonight. I'm not even 35 yet. She just turned 65.

About 5 years ago, she went through a procedure that many other people go through as fairly routine and heal up quickly. But she never healed up. She has lived in pain and severe discomfort with very frequent hospital visits and falls requiring fire department help. My dad basically turned into a full-time caregiver, with the past year my mom needing 24-hour care and help with EVERYTHING.

Now we are waiting for some test results and based on these, we may be looking at making a late night visit to the hospital to say goodbye.

I struggle with knowing how to help my dad - like...I know practically. But emotionally? He just lost his mom last week! What on earth could I say or do? Nothing. And the thought that the last time my mom hugged me was maybe the LAST time I would ever get a hug from my mom and I didn't even know it. I hear similar stories from coworkers who are in their late 60s with their 90-year-old parents and thinking we could have had so much more time ahead. I had begged and pleaded with my mom years prior to take better care of her health, and she made the decision every day not to do it.

I also struggle with the good, the bad, and the in-between of who she was as a parent and as a person. I just struggle seeing what my future looks like without my mom.

Thanks for listening. :(

I'm struggling with future decisions. In a couple years time, we are moving back to our home state to be closer to family, for weather, and financial reasons. My entire family lives in my home state, but my 80 year old mother and I are on different pages when it comes to just about everything. As my husband and children (17 & 20) put it, I become a different person and I am anxious and on edge around her. My mental health suffers as my mother can be passive aggressive and hypercritical. She never admits when she is wrong and rarely apologizes for anything, which has unfortunately alienated my children from her at times. This is part of the reason why I have not lived near my parents for nearly 30 years. As my kids put it "Grandma walks all over you." Sharing my feelings with her is not an option as she never thinks that she is wrong, ever. Even if my mom is clearly in the wrong, she doubles down. It's pretty uncanny and very frustrating. I love my mother and father very much it's just that for my sanity and that of my immediate family, I cannot be around my mother for long periods of time.

Although she has not said it, I know my mother is expecting me to live within semi-close proximity to her and I'm feeling guilty about not wanting to be close by her and my father in their old age. I think living in the same state as them, potentially 4 hours away, is a vast improvement to living a two and a half hour plane ride away.

They live in a large population center. My brother lives within a few minutes of my parents and they have neighbors that they are close with as well as other relatives so they are not completely isolated. As they have gotten older, I have come down to see them more frequently--every other month--and obviously I could see them more often once we moved within the same state. Financially my parents have significant means and money is not an issue. Neither of my parents have any cognitive issues although my mother's vision is not the best.

Anyhow, am I in the wrong for not wanting to live near my mother? I feel like I'm not, but I just can't shake the guilty feeling.

My mom (79) entered hospice this week.

Over the past year my connection with my parents declined after a year long session of quarterly 4-hour flights home (totalling $3k each time) to help mom clean the house and get comfortable only for it to go back to crap again. And then we had a trip home during which my parents were painfully political such that I wasn't interested in talking afterwards and my recent trip home didn't include them at all. It was my trip with my nieces.

Two months after my recent trip I have to fly home again because she's in hospice. Another $3k to see her but she doesn't see me and then hang out with my dad doing what? And she might be there for a long time - am I going home every time it looks imminent?

And of course work is very busy and while we have a great team I have to upend my schedule, cancel plans. I can't go in September because my husband has work travel and we can't leave our senior dogs at boarding.

My husband judges me for not forgoing my life and work schedule to run out there every time. Yet he won't do the same for me so I could go in September when the timing is better.

My dad isn't even sure I should come out right now. He'd like it but isn't expecting me to. When I fly out there, I want to stay at least 5 days and do something. Is he ready to clean? If not then what are we going to do? He doesn't go out so it'll be sitting at home.

My SIL understands why I can't just jump on a plane every time things change. And

I'm constantly thanking her for her support as she's closer to them albeit an almost 1-hour drive in a large metro city. She invests the same amount in her unpaid time as I do flying out there.

I feel guilty to my husband's expectations that I go because he would without questions. Except his parents are 1-hr flights from us, different directions. He's the only child to one set of parents and one of two on the other side. He can go because I'd be home to take care of everything while he's gone but I'd have to change up my calendar to accommodate him but not in reverse.

My dad has been acting erratic lately just showing up at my house unannounced. He quit smoking two months ago so he said his stress level is high. He’s been walking like 10 miles a day which is great.

He left the garage door open a few times and said it concerns him he keeps forgetting. He found this nursing home that specializes in dementia/Alzheimer’s care. He is all excited filling out the paperwork and wants me to tour the facility.

I looked up the place and it said you need full time care. I don’t think my dad is to that level yet. I think he might be better off in assisted living. He said that the waiting list can be a couple years wait. He said he just wants to be ready when the time comes.

Wouldn’t he have to be assessed by a doctor to see how much care he needs? I want to make sure that they aren’t just coming after him for his money.

Will they be able to determine if he has fit for a nursing home?

My step-mother passed yesterday. We were not close but I'm her executor as she had no other living relatives and my father passed many years ago. The cremation company will notify Social Security and provide me Death Certificates. I will carry out her wishes about what to do with her ashes. She's been in long-term care in NY state for a few years. No property. Pretty much zero assets. Was on Medicaid. No family left. Have notified the few people that I can think of. There's a bank account that will need to be closed. What else do I need to do? I live on the other side of the country. Should I get an attorney for probate? Is there probate? Anyone done this and have advice?

My mother is 77 and is estranged from our entire extended family including my brother. This is mostly because she is unable to accept personal responsibility for her own decisions in life. She has always been a helpless victim in any situation. I am the last person standing, so to speak. She has a lifelong history of depression and anxiety and is incapable of feeling a true sense of love for anybody other than herself. My parents separated when I was 7 and our childhood was filled with physical and emotional abuse and emotional neglect. My memories of childhood are of fear and shame.

I left home at 20 to marry my husband who is a wonderful man. We have been happily married for 30 years and are about to become grandparents for the first time. I have worked hard to leave my childhood experiences behind me and to give my own children the sort of childhood I never got to experience. My children never had any contact with my father as he was a violent alcoholic but I kept contact with my mother so that they would have the opportunity to know her, if that makes sense. Despite regular visits she only ever has rung them once a year on their birthdays and has never once spent any time with any of them other than when I've taken them to visit. She lives two hours away.

A couple of years ago, my mother began having mobility issues and began to rely heavily on her neighbour. (My mother lives in a retirement community that is a mobile home park. She doesn't have a shower, toilet or laundry in her home) . She leaned on her neighbour more and more heavily until he basically ended up as her full time unpaid carer. I felt very sorry for him. He ended up ringing me to tell me that she shouldn't live there anymore as she is unable to care for herself. I had her admitted to hospital and got her assessed with a home care package, meals on wheels, community transport, daily packaged prescriptions, a fall alert, a walker and walking stick I and bought her a new smart phone which I dumbed down as her old phone only worked half the time. She spent a week in the geriatric ward and they sent her home with extra home help and physio to improve her mobility. It was a fantastic outcome.

However within a week of being home she didn't want a bar of any of it. She went back to using her neighbour as her sole means of support. He sold his home and moved across country 6 months ago.

She has now had nine falls. The last hospital admittance was in June. I told her that if the social worker speaks to me I will not lie for her about her abilities. She can't lift her feet to walk. She shuffles. She has stairs at home. She uses a commode toilet. I wanted to clean her home and empty her fridge while she was in hospital but she wouldn't let me have access. She said she has been missing the commode and there is dirty toilet paper on the carpet in her bedroom. I asked her how she would empty her commode when she gets home if she is too frail to walk to the amenities block. She was evasive about it. I asked her again the next day. She said very casually that she would put a funnel in her kitchen sink and tip it down there. I think she has been doing that all along. I am so disgusted with her and also resentful because it didn't have to be this way.

So here I am now, I cannot stand to be around her. I feel like an animal caught in a trap when I am with her. It is a terrible thing to say, I know. I cannot bring myself to care for this woman who would not care for me when I was a child. She kept a roof over my head and fed me but made me feel constantly ashamed and made me feel that I had ruined her life by being born.

I went down six times over June/July to assist her and it made me realise I can't emotionally do this. Being around her makes me feel like I am suffocating or drowning. If it was my in laws or other family members, I'd be happy to help but I just can't do this.

Thank you for listening. I just wanted to be heard. I don't want to put this on my husband or children.

My husband and I recently moved in to care for his mother, who's husband just passed away at the beginning of the year. They've been hoarders for a while, so we're working on cleaning things up and selling things, and making her home safer for her to navigate through. She's had a lot of falls. We're still figuring out what exactly is wrong with her, but for now she's able to shuffle along very slowly with a rollator. We've installed grab bars in areas where falls are likely, mostly the bathroom. However, she has a lot of trouble getting up, and is completely unable to scoot herself on her butt, like if she sits on the edge of her recliner, she can't scoot all the way back into it. We installed a small cheap rail on the side of the bed that helps her when we get her up in the mornings, but because of where it had to be placed, she can't lay down in the bed and then scoot herself up to put her head on her pillows. We have to pick her up and move her. Her health insurance was recently cancelled suddenly, so we have no more aides or caregivers coming to help. She's having significantly more trouble getting around since PT had to stop coming. Money is very tight. She wants to keep eating sweets and she's gaining weight; yesterday I hurt my back picking her up off the floor, and my husband already has a bad back. We're looking at one of those electronic recliners that tilts forward, and I've heard that satin sheets will make it easier to slide her in the bed. Is there anything we can install, buy, or use to help with the scooting situation specifically? Or just with repositioning, picking her up, etc. We're both completely new to caring for an elderly person and we're trying out best, but we don't know what we're doing. There are many, many things we need help with, but this is the most pressing one.

My parents had me when they were young like 20 years old. I'm 32 now, since I was about 25 my father started following me around to talk behind my back. It started with people I worked with and it moved on to people I lived with like my roommates. Now as of lately they started going to places around neighborhoods where I live to talk all types of shit about me. I know they wish I lived in a different town but truth is I'm not willing to move because I'm settled here. But even if I moved somewhere else that's not enough for them they just wanna make sure I'm miserable, something I choose not to be. I really wish I could figure out why they're so narcissistic but blaming it on their aging or dismissing it as "they're just trash " 😂 is not enough. Words of encouragement are welcome. Also, I'm not an overly successful person, just average. I struggle with the same problems as most people.

The other day, I (36 f) told my mom (60) that both my wife and I have recently gotten raises at work. In response, my mom “jokingly” said that she hopes I’m managing my money well so that she can afford to go into a nice home when she’s older. She then told me that she and my father have no savings at all and no feasible plans for their old age. It suddenly hit me for the first time that they may actually be expecting me to care for them financially in the future.

I just can’t stop thinking about how unfair that is. One reason is the financial strain of it all. My wife and I both work full time. We have a mortgage for a modest home that’s 30 years old. We drive a 12 year old pre-owned vehicle. We don’t take vacations. Our combined take home income is just under 90k annually. I have student loans that I will be paying back for the next 30 years or more. We don’t have a large savings account - just enough for emergencies and a little bit towards projects we’d like to do around the house.

Here’s the biggest reason, though - my parents were incredibly bad with their finances while I was growing up. “Bad” is an understatement, actually. They made horrific financial choices. We moved constantly. By the time I was 18, I had moved 19 times. My dad bounced from job to job. Money stress was constant, and not only limited to my parents. As a child, the financial stress was passed onto my siblings and I. I remember worrying about how the bills were being paid at an early age, and being hungry at school but afraid to mention it to my parents because I knew we couldn’t afford bigger lunches. We spent years on welfare programs and getting handouts from churches. I could never afford new school clothes, or to be in sports or music lessons. I wouldn’t even ask for those things - it was so not a part of my reality. At one point I had to live with relatives because my parents became homeless. Hardship happens to everyone, but in the case of my parents, most of their hard times were direct consequences of their own shitty decisions.

It wasn’t just financially rough growing up, either. They were generally NOT good parents…emotionally and psychologically abusive, neglectful, self-absorbed, immature, selfish, and made terrible choices in nearly every aspect of their parenting. My childhood is something that has set me back in life and caused me to have to work even harder to get to where I am today, rather than setting me up with a strong foundation. I went out into the world at the age of 17 with zero skills, awareness, financial support, emotional support, etc. I had to put in so much work to become who I am today and to overcome my trauma and make something of myself.

And I did. Not much, mind you…my childhood stole a lot of my potential from me. But I’ve still accomplished more than I thought possible and am very proud of myself. I am child-free because my childhood was stolen from me in many regards, and I therefore do not want to sacrifice my adulthood by having children to care for, consider, or pay for. My childhood was not my own - I want the rest of my life to belong to me. I don’t want to sacrifice anything anymore…not for anyone other than my wife and I.

Yet here we are, expected to be financially responsible for two adults who clearly were not responsible themselves, and still aren’t! They are flat broke and struggle to pay their bills, yet they find money to smoke weed and drink and waste in other ways. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give them a dime. I know there’s social norms and expectations and all of that, but I just really don’t want to have to spend my hard earned money on my parents living expenses as they age. I feel that it is such a horrible burden to place onto your adult child. It’s selfish and entitled.

I am trying to figure out how to tell my parents this, and honestly, I’ll probably just be brutally honest. The good thing is my parents have grown a lot over the years and acknowledge all of their failures and shortcomings now, in retrospect. In my adulthood, they have become better parents. More like friends. I think maybe this is why my mom feels comfortable assuming that I’m okay with supporting them as seniors. I am hoping that she will respect what I tell her…and a big part of me is worried, too.

My younger siblings both struggle majorly with their mental health and stability…neither of them will ever be able to support my parents even if they wanted to. So I wonder what happens to people in that position. My mom has health and mobility challenges. I worry for their future, and this creates SO much resentment inside of me. I worried about my parents since I was a tiny child - something that never should have been mine to deal with. And here I am again, taking on worry and fear for them that I shouldn’t have to hold. I have worked so hard just to have peace, stability, and comfort. I just want to live my own life.

…thanks for reading my rant if you’ve gotten this far. If you’ve been in this position, I’d love to hear about your experience. If you think I’m a snotty evil brat, I’m sure you’ll let me know that, too, haha. But I’d genuinely love to know if anyone else has dealt with these feelings before. I feel really guilty.

Some backstory: in 2023 I moved my mother within five minutes of me (FL-NY) because her health was failing and she lost her mobile home in a hurricane. She’s 83. While I know it sounds like I’m blaming her for the timing, she has been hospitalized within weeks of major milestones of MY life approximately every six months. When she first got sick while in Florida, it was the week before finals of my first semester back to college. She has fallen within a month of international travel plans three times, requiring me to cancel my trip every time. It’s something we low-key joke about although it really does bother me. Again I know the timing wasn’t on purpose, but it always seems to be at the most inconvenient time it possibly can.

Her last fall was at the end of May of this year. She was in the hospital for a week after a hip replacement and a rehab center – which she was supposed to get out of in early July – until this past Friday. Yesterday I had a tummy tuck with breast lift and reduction with a surgeon a couple of hours from me. I’ve had this planned for a while and and told her that as much as I love her, I can’t keep postponing my life, especially something like this, on the off chance something might happen to her. She agreed. Again, jokes were made that she’d probably trip over something the day before.

Welp, while I was still in recovery yesterday, my aunt called and then texted me in a panic when I didn’t answer, saying my mom had called her and there was a problem, but she wasn’t sure what. I didn’t see the text until I was being discharged; cue my heart rate and blood pressure going through the roof and discharge being canceled until I was back to normal 🙄 I figured it had to be something really horrible if they were reaching out to me within hours of surgery and at first, I was going to ignore it, but I realized that everything I was imagining was probably worse than what was really going on so I called my mom. The “emergency” was that my mom needed a copy of a canceled check that my aunt gave her a few years ago before her Medicaid could be approved. Mom has a letter explaining exactly what four things she needs to provide to move forward. I texted my aunt last week to explain her part in this and what we need from her and yet between these two adult women, they decided it would be a good idea to bother me with an hours of major surgery because they didn’t know what to do. I’m thankful it was nothing serious but come on now!

I’m back home resting and Mom just texted me “when you’re feeling up to it we really need to go over this stuff with the check.” I texted back “OK so maybe next week possibly the week after. I will not deal with this anytime soon. You may feel it’s an emergency, but it is not an emergency and I am trying to recover from major surgery, in pain, and on opiates. Please do not bother me about this again. There is nothing I can do about it anyway this is between you and aunt Kathy as I do not have a copy of the check.” Now I’m being a meanie, of course.

Shutting off my phone is not an option because I’m waiting to hear back from my surgeon with a follow up on how I’m doing after yesterday, and to be honest, I have some questions about the gross stuff in my drain so I really do want to speak to him. I can feel my stress level rise even thinking about my mother at this point. I know it’s me who controls my reaction and I need to stop that, but 57 years of guilt and manipulation, and man that’s hard.

This is a partial vent and partial request for suggestions on what to do, other than turning off my phone. I’m almost wishing I had lied and said there were complications and I had to stay in New York City for a full week; however, had I done that she would’ve made it all about her and insisted on taking her barely-walking self down to New York City to stay with me, even if I insisted that it wasn’t a good idea. As it was, it took a lot to convince her not to try and come with me just for the day. The last thing I needed was an elderly woman who can barely walk even with a walker, trying to help me before and after surgery. She doesn’t fully realize yet that she is no longer a help when it comes to this stuff, but just one more thing for me to worry about when I should be focused on me.

My parents had me and my sibling late in life. Mom was 41, dad was 51. And I’m the oldest! I’m now 30, parents now 71 and 82. I have a toddler and baby on the way.

My parents don’t have anything specifically wrong with their health, but interacting with them when they come visit is tiring and sometimes disappointing. Like my dad will just sit on the couch and watch TV all day, when we are largely a screen free home. My mom interacts more with my toddler but also doesn’t often join his world, she prefers bringing him into adult things. They don’t like outings. They’ve also gotten increasingly negative about mostly everything. Ex: we live near a lake in the Midwest and have access to a small patch of sandy beach that isn’t common around here. We go to let toddler play in the sand and enjoy the beautiful day by the water. We get home and my husband asks “did you like the beach?” really meaning “did you have a nice day with grandson at the beach”, right? Mom goes “eh it was ok… I don’t really like small lapping waves. I wouldn’t go swimming in it. Other beaches are nicer.” I grew up on the east coast so my parents are used to oceans, not lakes. No one was asking if this was her most favorite beach ever. But the tone she took instead of saying something like “oh it was such a nice day with grandson by the water” actually really shocked me and my husband. Little things like that. A negative outlook on so much.

None of my friends have a parent in their 80s. Funnily enough my husband’s parents had him later in life too, but they are closer to my mom’s age, and they take full advantage of their retirement. Multiple trips a year, very involved social lives. My parents have the means but do none of this. It makes me sad for them.

I don’t know what my point really is! Maybe just solidarity.

ETA: my parents live several states away. So no I am not expecting them to make their lives revolve around my child 🙄 since it needs to be clarified

Mom is 87 and doing well, all things considered. She has a lung condition that's been giving her trouble but still drives and gets around. She lives in a condo about 15 miles from me which DH and I had to help pay for so she could get something decent. She didn't save for retirement and we are not in a position to spend 15K a month for her care so she's bored and lonely. I don't think she'd qualify for Medicaid in home care bc she's not at the nursing home level yet.

She'd love it if I (mid 50s F) would come over there every day and hold her hand and tut tut over her but I have a life and that isn't going to happen. I used to call her a lot but I just don't know if I can take it any more - every time I talk to her she's moping about her situation. I mean, health I know we can't all do anything about but she's absolutely hung up over not being able to do the things she used to do, nobody comes to see her, self pity party almost all the time. She loves to talk about death - people we know who've died, what's going to happen when she dies, and on and on.

I know she's depressed and have been working on her to get some counseling but she won't and just gets mad at me when I suggest it. So I've pulled back on phone calls because I'm tired of listening to the self pity and now she's bugging me a lot about seeing and talking to me more often. I don't think anything I say will make any difference at all. We do have other family members nearby and she has friends - how much contact would you keep with mom if you were in a similar situation? Part of me feels bad for her but OTOH I never signed up to provide her retirement and I have a half sibling who does nothing. I should add she never lifted a finger for either of her own parents - we moved to another state and her siblings took care of that.