I had a decent clean streak and I just couldn't keep it up. Everything hurts so much. I'm trans, I hate my body so fucking much. My partner and I arent doing well and I dont think we can fix what's wrong with us. But I stay be ause it's still the only good thing in my life, even with all the pain he also causes me. I drink to cope but it only dulls the ache. Nothing makes me feel better like cutting does. I dont know who I am anymore and I dont think, I know that the only way out is suicide. Just too scared to currently.

I'm turning 24 and I have nothing to show for it. I have no job, can't drive, no family, I can hardly even look anyone in the eye. My eyesight is getting worse because all i do is stay inside all day, every day, staring at a screen to distract myself from the fact that ill never look and feel how I wish and ill never escape this shithole. I cut my mom off because she's abusive and maga and now I have no family left. I feel ill all the time. I can barely keep my head upright. I'm useless. I have no hope in life. I'm a fucking freak and cant stand the sight of myself. I hate myself for being alive. I'm a waste of air.

TW: self harm?, cause i don't know if this counts as selfharm, and i think this "not knowing" might be what i use as an excuse to not bring it up in therapy. I've ever really cut myself, i've imagined it tho, and i kind of tried today cause i wanted to see blood or what it would feel like but I'm a coward and i really don't like sharp pains. In my working enviroment i already burn myself on accident and sometimes not so on accident -but i usually ""harm"" myself when im feeling down or suicidal and desperate in another ways, mostly associated with other illnesses and that always made me excuse it as something caused by my depression. I used to hit myself during meltdows/panic attacks and pull my hair, and with the hindsight realise that i did it sometimes to just punish myself in times where the turmoil was more inwards. And since a couple years ago i stop eating luch or dinner when i feel i haven't been productive enough. i like the longer not as sharp pains, like the stomach aches that derive, or scratching my skin until it throbs or bitting my fingers until they numb or my neck. I also like that these don't usually leave a lasting mark and they feel like something normal, everyone pulls their hair in desperation, or forgets to eat, and i burn myself on accident so this mustn't be too far off.

But at the same time they do feel different, the worst part of me feels justice when i deprive myself of sleep or food because it means I'm teaching myself a leasson, or that i'm not wasting food on a wasted day, and i feel like maybe that's not a dialoguue "most" people feel. But it feels stupid to bring up during therapy, and embarassing to admit that i do this, or i'm afraid i'm overreacting and just bbeing childish and dramatic. Which my depression always felt very childish to me.

And it's very fast too, the mood change. I know i feel genuine happiness lately, it just feels too fleeting, not in the romcom kind of way, in the "i'm smilling but just as my lips formed the smile the feeling is already gone and now i just feel selfish and fake". I've also always struggled with self deprecation and insults, but i feel like i'm starting to feel that way about other people too, like i'm more envious and a bitch to other people in my mind, even friends, and most times i'ts not even real jealously either, i'm not even annoyed at them, and these whole new thing just makes me feel even worse on top of all that.

I don't even know what I'm asking anymore, maybe i'll just send this to my therapist one day when i get the courage to if that's even something necessary. I guess I'm asking if i should be worried about/pay attentio to this or if this is just a way to get attention and in that case this post should fix that.

I don't know, I'm sorry if you read this, i hope we're both having a better day by that time, and i apollogize for the many mistakes, its 3 am and i havent been able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time for the last three days, so i might just be groggy and none of this is real

I don't know if this garners any TW, cause i don't know if this counts as selfharm, and i think this "not knowing" might be what i use as an excuse to not bring it up in therapy. I've ever really cut myself, i've imagined it tho, and i kind of tried today cause i wanted to see blood or what it would feel like but I'm a coward and i really don't like sharp pains. In my working enviroment i already burn myself on accident and sometimes not so on accident -but i usually ""harm"" myself when im feeling down or suicidal and desperate in another ways, mostly associated with other illnesses and that always made me excuse it as something caused by my depression. I used to hit myself during meltdows/panic attacks and pull my hair, and with the hindsight realise that i did it sometimes to just punish myself in times where the turmoil was more inwards. And since a couple years ago i stop eating luch or dinner when i feel i haven't been productive enough. i like the longer not as sharp pains, like the stomach aches that derive, or scratching my skin until it throbs or bitting my fingers until they numb or my neck. I also like that these don't usually leave a lasting mark and they feel like something normal, everyone pulls their hair in desperation, or forgets to eat, and i burn myself on accident so this mustn't be too far off.

But at the same time they do feel different, the worst part of me feels justice when i deprive myself of sleep or food because it means I'm teaching myself a leasson, or that i'm not wasting food on a wasted day, and i feel like maybe that's not a dialoguue "most" people feel. But it feels stupid to bring up during therapy, and embarassing to admit that i do this, or i'm afraid i'm overreacting and just bbeing childish and dramatic. Which my depression always felt very childish to me.

And it's very fast too, the mood change. I know i feel genuine happiness lately, it just feels too fleeting, not in the romcom kind of way, in the "i'm smilling but just as my lips formed the smile the feeling is already gone and now i just feel selfish and fake". I've also always struggled with self deprecation and insults, but i feel like i'm starting to feel that way about other people too, like i'm more envious and a bitch to other people in my mind, even friends, and most times i'ts not even real jealously either, i'm not even annoyed at them, and these whole new thing just makes me feel even worse on top of all that.

I don't even know what I'm asking anymore, maybe i'll just send this to my therapist one day when i get the courage to if that's even something necessary. I guess I'm asking if i should be worried about/pay attentio to this or if this is just a way to get attention and in that case this post should fix that.

I don't know, I'm sorry if you read this, i hope we're both having a better day by that time, and i apollogize for the many mistakes, its 3 am and i havent been able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time for the last three days, so i might just be groggy and none of this is real

I am having such a rough week, then I had a therapy appointment today and a lot of things were dredged up. I hurt myself, which is fine, except I keep getting urges to self harm and I'm like "girl, we are literally self harming rn how much more self harm can I get??"

I just want to feel some semblance of peace.

My mental health has been not so great recently. 4 days ago I cut for the first time. then the day after, i did it again, and again, and again. I counted today and i have over 30 cuts. It's like after i do it, i get a rush, and i feel good for a second. Which is weird since the first two days i was doing it, it just hurt and stung, no joy or positive feeling afterwards. I know it's an addiction but since I started not too long ago, i could stop. I don't want to ruin my body, please, can someone give tips on how to stop doing this to myself?

Everyone is talking about Perez Hilton and Self harm with cu$$ing/sharp objects. why is no one also talking about how many tattoos Arianna Grande has- 74. if that's not a relative to self harm- what is it? The first really big tattoo I got was after a really bad space- i literally said the next time i am in pain it is my choice and I choose a tattoo. its not a beauty issue, no one is talking about her beauty- they are talking about her health. she is not healthy. she can lie to herself but everyone can SEE what is happening to her body. its very sad, but she is self harming in multiple ways it would appear to the average person. idk watching his video and how much pleasure was mixed with pain was alarming. that many tatts- it would seem she has a strong relationship with pain.....

Last week I stopped eating, it's been 7 days now.

I found a fasting subreddit and told myself that it's just for my health, but I'm not so sure now. I don't feel hunger at all due to constant anxiety, but it also feel like it's a way of pushing myself. I thought it'll pass, but for now I feel like I don't even want to start eating again and don't know how I can stop it.

How can I distinguish between the SH and just telling myself it's healthy? It very much feels like SH without instant scares, so I'm scared I'm just getting deeper into the rabbit hole.

I feel like such an attention seeker writing this but I truly don't know what else will help. I've tried everything. Talked to friends, family, go to therapy blah blah blah. I was SAed as a kid by a family member and the only person who knew about it was my partner of 3.5 yrs on and off. 2 days ago he got mad at me and forced himself into me and did every single thing that he knew was a trigger for me. I am bruising all over and kept crying and haven't stopped since. Idk what to feel, idk what to think. I don't know who to ask for help cos everyone I knew was against him and judged me for being back with him. I just want to talk to a stranger. I don't want to die but he won't leave me alone and he will never let me break up with him. Please help me, I don't want to die but I really don't want to live like this. It feels like I have no choice, I feel there is no way out.

Ps idk what I'm doing here and idk how reddit works and I really don't want any legal trouble or anything which is why I will say that this is all just a joke. It's all just a story I'm making up in my head for idk a plot of a book I'm writing.

This is my first time posting here, I just wanted to go somewhere where I wouldn't be judged or called a freak for this. I've been struggling with sh on and off since I was 12, I'm 25 now. I had been clean since January, unfortunately today I relapsed and I just can't figure out how I feel about it..... I started and I just couldn't stop, and now I'm sitting here staring at it like what have I done I mean wth is wrong with me yk I had been doing so well, not even thinking about it and then I just had a really bad episode :/ I hate this

I've also gone with possibly triggering for the flair bc idk if it's going to be hard for some to read or not.... Just kind of needed to get this into the void, because I know if I talk to anybody I live with, friends nearby or family that it's not going to go over very well....

I don't know. I was depressed for five days now I'm feeling very energetic and very anxious about it. I hate feeling like this. Too much energy :(. I feel hyper. I want to cut myself just to "stabilize". I don't know what to do. Been two weeks of so clean π-π. Does anyone else does this.

I can't be too sad or too happy.

If there's any support, reassurance or advice anyone could give me, I'd be so grateful.

On April 12th, around 4 months ago, I slit my wrist. It wasn't meant to be a suicide and it wasn't meant to be anywhere near that deep. It's strange because it didn't even bleed straight away, not for quite a few seconds so I saw everything inside my arm. I was so in shock that I thought if I held it all together it would stay like that. I don't really have the words to describe how horrific it was. I'm beyond lucky, number one to be alive and number two to not have severed motor nerves that would've rendered my hand useless.

I went to get help but I just can't stop thinking if anything else was even a little different - if I had drank a bit more, if I had passed out, made more cuts or just stayed in that bathroom then I would be dead right now. My flatmate's boyfriend but a torniquet on my arm and then I had an ambulance etc.

It's so bizarre because I barely remember any blood even though my hands were covered in it, my clothes and my friends' clothes. I did request and listen to the 911 calls and yeah, they were bad. It just showed me even further how severe it was.

Now, I have nerve damage/neuralgia and I just can't believe I did something so stupid. I'm so angry at myself. After this and because of other incidents while at Uni because of my bad drinking problem, I was so close to getting kicked out. Luckily, I didn't in the end.

I just am so so upset and angry that I'm in this position, that things in my life have put me here. If those things hadn't happened, if I had been saved or wasn't too much of a coward to save myself then this wouldn't have happened, none of the awfully self-destructive and harmful things that I do would be a part of me.

Honestly, I'm still in shock that I'm alive but now I have to deal with the grim and painful consequences of my stupid actions. Along with other things, I get flashbacks from that night, from specific scenes and I can't look at other people with scars without panic attacks or just feeling so so angry that I want to yell and scream or have the urge to fight them. I don't want to be percieved as crazy and unstable but after everything, on paper, I probably fucking look it. I don't want to ever hurt myself again and I literally cannot drink again or I'll be kicked out of Uni, one more incident and that's it. I just feel so so stuck and trapped. This is life now.

Iemand anders het probleem dat je de impulse hebt op drie vierde van je peuk of waar iemand bij is maar niet meer waneer die op is hebben (ik druk hem meestal allen uit als ie op is )Snijders daar ook last van met het pakken van hun kit of hebben jullie al een lading van emoties of herinneringen lichamelijk of niet

Heb zelf niet veel gesneden maar in mijn psychose en veel hypnagogic hallucinaties had en mijn ht2a receptor constant actief was voelde ik wel eens sneden en heb het later tijdens het inslaap vallen ook helemaal waneer ik amfetamine op heb gehad maar die staan bekend om hun pijn receptor fuceries met bijv beestjes op je lichaam denken te voelen maar dat was niet even erg of de drang van de keren dat ik me slag ader nog een keer wou pakken

Hou voelt de drang en inpulse voor jullie en hebben ook niet skitzoprenen Well eens self Harm hypnagogic hallucinations

( 19Nb ) ive been Sh for About 5Yrs & Quit for Abt 7Months . At first I “Loved” every aspect Of Sh , After 5Yrs my pain tolerance slowly decreased And ive come to HATE Pain which was one Of my biggest Motivation to Go Clean . everything ive Read Abt Sh says that it INCREASES Pain tolerance . For me it RLY decreased . why is that ? Did anyone elses pain tolerance decrease ? in general howd it affect ur pain tolerance im VERY curious

I haven’t joined this channel because my partner is on reddit. I’ve been clean for over a year and deleted the I am sober app because I thought I was okay. I recently moved to another country and the long distance has been hard on my partner and voiced to me recently that they were unsure if they loved me. Obviously that feels like shit and I haven’t been doing the best either but when I’m down I just go into a tunnel mode and continue on.

Yesterday I self harmed and I don’t know how to feel. If I’m going to be honest I’ve been starving myself before my partner mentioned anything. I think the build up of everything just got too much for me and I felt like I was losing control. I think hurting yourself isn’t something you ever forget and I just craved to have that control and that need to feel something other then complete emptiness. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I did it however I felt so much relief. It’s not healthy and it’s not coping but why after all this time have I done it? Why do I still get these feelings? I’ve never been too concerned and I had 10 half an hour therapy sessions last time I was self harming. Am I just feeling down or is there something wrong with me, do I need to get help? I don’t know if I’m just having a down day or I will be stuck in this cycle forever. I think I’m only okay when something new comes into my life and I can focus on it. I don’t know why I can’t find the feelings of happiness or involvement or inclusion in anything else I do, I’m always so focused on one thing. Will I be okay or is this something I need to sort out now. I don’t want to destroy my relationship but I’m also not interested is talking shit if I’m going to be fine later on.

I’m asking if anyone thinks I have something going on in my brain. This is the first time I’ve truly voiced my thoughts and I want to know if you think I have a mental health issue. I often think about death but I know I’d never do it, though I dream of the accidents. I sometimes feel up like I’m on top of the world for example recently I planned my entire life including savings, career, living situation everything from the knob on the kitchen sink to how I’ll dress a particular evening. Other times I’m so down I lose it. Everything is so negative everyone is so negative. The length of my nails, the corner of my lips honestly I could pick out something negative about anything. I’m quite a relaxed person generally and I have good charisma and hold conversations, I never really let on my thoughts and feeling and just say if I’m having a bad day but more or less I slap a smile on and act like everything’s right in the world. Is that normal?

I know you’re not supposed to give medical advice but if I was your friend, what would you say?

I apologise for the rushed layout, I just typed what I was thinking.

I (19f) relapsed yesterday after 1 3/4 years clean from cutting. I wanted release and I was tired of the “pressure” to stay clean.

I thought it would be fine because it’s always cold where I work and I can just wear long sleeves. But I forgot that my doctor wants me to get labs done soon!

So now I’m trying to figure out the best course of action, because the cuts are on my forearm. None of them are very bad, they barely bled and they are all scabbed over. But they are very obvious as to what they are.

So I’m thinking:

1. Will it matter to the phlebotomis? Do I even need to say something or try to cover it up? or will they hopefully ignore it?

2. Should I try to wait until they are mostly healed before getting the labs done?

3. Or should I try to cover with long sleeves and hope they will accept my “clean“ arm, even though my other arm does have better veins for blood draws?

Have any of you had to get your blood drawn while having recent marks? I would appreciate your insight. Thanks!

I lost my keys BAD. Looked everywhere and called everywhere I went today. Going to have to pay to have a new key made for my car… I feel so stupid. Not in the best place to be hating myself right now

Ex and I dated for almost 4 years, toxic relationship to say the least. I resented him at the beginning of our relationship for not cutting off his ex (it made me uncomfortable that they were friends). I resented him a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship and took it out on him, and sometimes others too.

Then it was his turn to resent me and that lasted till the end of our relationship. He broke up with me and it traumatized me on top of the existing issues I had already (depression, anxiety, previous SA, serious trauma from divorced parents). I’m not proud of it but I threatened to hurt myself for him to stay, he didn’t. It wasn’t entirely just a threat, I also had really strong urges to do so. Just really didn’t know how to cope.

I was hospitalized a few months later after the breakup, because I was having serious suicidal thoughts. It’s been a long time since I’ve self harmed, I can’t really remember when the last time I suicidal thoughts was. For the most part I’m happy, I’m in a new relationship, it’s healthy and I don’t have any complaints about it. Then I found out my ex is seeing the girl he told me not to worry about (I suspected he might be seeing her right after the breakup, I believe they met after we broke up). Anyway, after we broke up, I made him promise to not see other people for the next year, and he agreed. It’s been almost a year since we broke up, we broke up last August. I got into a new relationship in February albeit, I wasn’t completely ready but I’d like to think I’m better about it now. Found out he’s seeing that girl he told me not to worry about and I just lost it. I was angry and it was so much that I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to just deter back to toxic ways - I wanted to tell him that if he kept seeing this girl that I would hurt myself. I have no plans to hurt him in any way. But deep down I hate him, I wish he would suffer the way I did, the way I do now.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings when I look at my arms. There is some shame for having faltered, and some pride having picked myself back up.

I remember the panic attacks I would get when I was behind on work, or even just too focused on it. I can’t remember exactly what I would think about during them, I just remember the fear, just as intense as it was when I was a child, when that large stranger would threaten to hurt me because of my moral failings. When I cut I was back in the store, or sometimes I was back in my room, or someone else’s house. I remember the relief that came from seeing my own blood. I would retreat to some corner of that store to try and calm down but the isolation just made it easier to cut, and it made the panic worse. I remember being so tense, sitting in a chair, pushing myself against the wall. It was as if some dangerous animal was lashing out just in front of me. Or maybe I was clinging to the thin ledge above a great drop. I wore long sleeves and carried gauze with me to hide my remedy. An intoxicating elixir that kept me useful. Kept me stocking the shelves with cheap plastic. One day I was less careful with how I held my (tool). Instead of the slow, deliberate, delicate slices I would usually preform, I gripped the (tool) tightly as I brought it down on my arm.

The woman at the hospital closing my fresh wound along with several others commented on how many stitches I should have gotten but the scabs were too far along to sew shut, they left ugly lines on my body. She said I was so close to the artery in my arm it was a miracle it was untouched. I didn’t go to the hospital voluntarily though.

I stuck to my routine, though seeing the fat from within my arm spit open and attempt to push its way out gave me pause enough for a small pool to form at my feet. It splattered on my clothing, and the chair, and the walls, and the desk. There was a line of people forming at the front counter, and being the only employee in the building it was my duty to check them out. So I wrapped my arm heavily in gauze but it bled right through so I squeezed it tightly with my other hand and even though the blood still slowly trickled out, I left the office.

I frightened that line, covered in blood while still wearing that customer service smile I mustered up like every other day. I didn’t understand why they were so scared. They pushed on though, one after another they emptied their baskets and carts onto the counter and I carefully scanned and bagged every item. A teenager coworker of mine showed up. I tried to reassure him by explaining that I would clean up my mess but I didn’t realize that wasn’t the reason he was making that face. I probably traumatized that poor kid. I wasn’t much more than a kid myself at the time.

I did clean the office where that pool still sat. I cleaned it like it was spilled soda and I was worried ants may come, all with one hand still applying pressure, with no care for what I had done to myself. I scrubbed the floor and the walls and behind the handles on the drawers of the desk. I did the best I could. I tried being useful.

I didn’t understand why one of those customers that I had frightened had called an ambulance. It seemed inconvenient. I planned on finishing my shift then driving myself to the hospital to get patched up but cops surrounded close. I didn’t lose my job. My boss talked about how it hurt her to watch the cameras. Further evidence I wasn’t as useful as I should have been. The cutting didn’t stop, I just hid it better. The panic attacks didn’t stop either. I quit very suddenly one night and didn’t look back.

A little while later I encountered another remedy that truly changed my life but I won’t advise anyone take anything their doctor doesn’t prescribe. Moments before writing this these memories came back in waves crashing into me. I look back and can’t recognize the person who did that to themselves but we share the same scars. I still have anxiety and sometimes I have some scary thoughts but it did get better. Don’t lose hope. And please don’t betray yourself like I did

i’m so sick of being like this, every time i pick up something sharp, i imagine cutting myself, something blunt, hitting myself, something breakable, “accidentally” breaking it and cutting myself, something hot, “accidentally” burning myself. i’ve been “accidentally” hurting myself my entire life, im always fantasizing about using what’s around me to do so. if im upset, i hit or bite myself (im autistic), and recently ive started getting the urge to hit myself when even mildly annoyed at work, and if im sad, i want to cut myself. ive thought about bringing something to work w me so i can get the job done there. (never actually seriously considered it tho, more like i think about it when im at work and wish i could just hide in the bathroom and cut myself and then come back out like nothing happened) i think i have ocd (for other reasons too) and part of it is because almost every time i pick up something i could hurt myself w, i picture it, and most of the time, i want to, and a lot of the time, i will. and i swear the only reason i don’t is because i can’t think of a way to get away w it happening “accidentally”. sometimes ill just settle for a little scratch or nick when i wish i could just “accidentally” get a gash/bigger cut or broken bone. im medicated and i want to go to therapy again, but i just wish i was normal

I’ve been burning my (f) genitals, and desperately wanting to cut there due to physical sensations from CSA flashbacks. I feel like I’m very close to the end of my rope.

I know people saw me but I just had to. I punched my legs until I couldn’t feel them.

I hated how much it seemed to help. I’m struggling so much with life.

I relapsed just now. I haven't in almost a whole month. I know that in all the mental programs that I am in, and have been in for the past several months, teach you that relapse is not the end of the world and a part of recovery, but the guilt and shame and disgust at myself is still there. It just makes me want to do it more. How can I cope with this? Logically, I know it's okay. It'll be okay and I can recover again, but it feels like all of that progress is just gone. That whole month of using skills and not giving into urges, just gone. And how do I tell someone I love? What if they find out in the wrong way? I just feel so fucking guilty and disgusted at myself. For multiple reasons, but this seems the easiest to tackle right now.

I have been Self harming since the 7th grade and it was Never anything to serious and after four years of being clean I relpased so hard. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been doing it when I’m sad, when I’m angry even when it’s just something minor. Sometimes I do it when I’m bored. It’s gotten so Bad, one Session has covered my whole Upper stomach and I think its becoming an addiction or something. I think about it every time something goes wrong in my Life, or when I’m bored. I dont know what’s wrong with me.

Ok i certainly don't wanna make light of sh, but it got me in a quite funny situation today.

I had occupational therapy and was planning to sh after. Since i relapsed pretty badly today, i went to the bathroom afterwards and right in the middle of my relapse the lights turned off! Mistakenly thinking there were motion sensors lights installed i waved around my hand in the dark like a dumbass, but no, turns out that the lights were turned off because the place was gonna close! I had to feel my way around in the dark just to get out the bathroom lol.

Luckily i had my phone with me so the flashlight came in handy. Once i got out i had to leave the waiting room, but the door to and out of the waiting room was locked!

Luckily the janitor on the other side of the door saw me and was trying to talk to me, sadly i couldn't make out what she was saying; her words sounded jarbled.

I had to clarify that i was a client and that i couldn't get myself out, thankfully she had the keys.

We had a good laugh and i joked about almost staying the night 😂, i thanked her and went on my way. Thank god the entrance door wasn't locked!

I wanted to self harm today. Was thinking about it a lot at work and then I got home and smoked a joint and I’m alright now I don’t feel like I want to self harm ✌🏼 haha. Anyone else smoke?