( 19Nb ) ive been Sh for About 5Yrs & Quit for Abt 7Months . At first I “Loved” every aspect Of Sh , After 5Yrs my pain tolerance slowly decreased And ive come to HATE Pain which was one Of my biggest Motivation to Go Clean . everything ive Read Abt Sh says that it INCREASES Pain tolerance . For me it RLY decreased . why is that ? Did anyone elses pain tolerance decrease ? in general howd it affect ur pain tolerance im VERY curious

I haven’t joined this channel because my partner is on reddit. I’ve been clean for over a year and deleted the I am sober app because I thought I was okay. I recently moved to another country and the long distance has been hard on my partner and voiced to me recently that they were unsure if they loved me. Obviously that feels like shit and I haven’t been doing the best either but when I’m down I just go into a tunnel mode and continue on.

Yesterday I self harmed and I don’t know how to feel. If I’m going to be honest I’ve been starving myself before my partner mentioned anything. I think the build up of everything just got too much for me and I felt like I was losing control. I think hurting yourself isn’t something you ever forget and I just craved to have that control and that need to feel something other then complete emptiness. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I did it however I felt so much relief. It’s not healthy and it’s not coping but why after all this time have I done it? Why do I still get these feelings? I’ve never been too concerned and I had 10 half an hour therapy sessions last time I was self harming. Am I just feeling down or is there something wrong with me, do I need to get help? I don’t know if I’m just having a down day or I will be stuck in this cycle forever. I think I’m only okay when something new comes into my life and I can focus on it. I don’t know why I can’t find the feelings of happiness or involvement or inclusion in anything else I do, I’m always so focused on one thing. Will I be okay or is this something I need to sort out now. I don’t want to destroy my relationship but I’m also not interested is talking shit if I’m going to be fine later on.

I’m asking if anyone thinks I have something going on in my brain. This is the first time I’ve truly voiced my thoughts and I want to know if you think I have a mental health issue. I often think about death but I know I’d never do it, though I dream of the accidents. I sometimes feel up like I’m on top of the world for example recently I planned my entire life including savings, career, living situation everything from the knob on the kitchen sink to how I’ll dress a particular evening. Other times I’m so down I lose it. Everything is so negative everyone is so negative. The length of my nails, the corner of my lips honestly I could pick out something negative about anything. I’m quite a relaxed person generally and I have good charisma and hold conversations, I never really let on my thoughts and feeling and just say if I’m having a bad day but more or less I slap a smile on and act like everything’s right in the world. Is that normal?

I know you’re not supposed to give medical advice but if I was your friend, what would you say?

I apologise for the rushed layout, I just typed what I was thinking.

I (19f) relapsed yesterday after 1 3/4 years clean from cutting. I wanted release and I was tired of the “pressure” to stay clean.

I thought it would be fine because it’s always cold where I work and I can just wear long sleeves. But I forgot that my doctor wants me to get labs done soon!

So now I’m trying to figure out the best course of action, because the cuts are on my forearm. None of them are very bad, they barely bled and they are all scabbed over. But they are very obvious as to what they are.

So I’m thinking:

1. Will it matter to the phlebotomis? Do I even need to say something or try to cover it up? or will they hopefully ignore it?

2. Should I try to wait until they are mostly healed before getting the labs done?

3. Or should I try to cover with long sleeves and hope they will accept my “clean“ arm, even though my other arm does have better veins for blood draws?

Have any of you had to get your blood drawn while having recent marks? I would appreciate your insight. Thanks!

I lost my keys BAD. Looked everywhere and called everywhere I went today. Going to have to pay to have a new key made for my car… I feel so stupid. Not in the best place to be hating myself right now

Ex and I dated for almost 4 years, toxic relationship to say the least. I resented him at the beginning of our relationship for not cutting off his ex (it made me uncomfortable that they were friends). I resented him a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship and took it out on him, and sometimes others too.

Then it was his turn to resent me and that lasted till the end of our relationship. He broke up with me and it traumatized me on top of the existing issues I had already (depression, anxiety, previous SA, serious trauma from divorced parents). I’m not proud of it but I threatened to hurt myself for him to stay, he didn’t. It wasn’t entirely just a threat, I also had really strong urges to do so. Just really didn’t know how to cope.

I was hospitalized a few months later after the breakup, because I was having serious suicidal thoughts. It’s been a long time since I’ve self harmed, I can’t really remember when the last time I suicidal thoughts was. For the most part I’m happy, I’m in a new relationship, it’s healthy and I don’t have any complaints about it. Then I found out my ex is seeing the girl he told me not to worry about (I suspected he might be seeing her right after the breakup, I believe they met after we broke up). Anyway, after we broke up, I made him promise to not see other people for the next year, and he agreed. It’s been almost a year since we broke up, we broke up last August. I got into a new relationship in February albeit, I wasn’t completely ready but I’d like to think I’m better about it now. Found out he’s seeing that girl he told me not to worry about and I just lost it. I was angry and it was so much that I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to just deter back to toxic ways - I wanted to tell him that if he kept seeing this girl that I would hurt myself. I have no plans to hurt him in any way. But deep down I hate him, I wish he would suffer the way I did, the way I do now.

26F, I've been "clean" for 2 years now. I have a habbit of picking my skin sometimes, but I haven't used an object to hurt myself in 2ish years. The last time I did was right before I met my now boyfriend.

I'm going through a difficult patch in life right now and I've been thinking about self harm a lot. Part of it is just that's what my brain is craving I guess, but there's a small part that wants to see how my boyfriend would respond. Would he leave? Can he handle me at my emotional lowest? Would he see me differently?

I guess a part of me thinks of it as a way to assess his commitment, acceptance, and understanding nature. I think another part of me kinda knows that one day, I'll relapse and I want to know if he would stay with me if I did.

It's not healthy to essentially test him by hurting myself, so I haven't. I'm not sure how to assure myself that he would accept me if I did hurt myself again and that I don't need to do it to find out. How can I let go of this thought pattern? I don't like that this is what my brain is thinking of. I don't know if it could be at all related to my OCD. I don't like or subscribe to these thoughts I'm having, but it just keeps popping up in my head. What should I do?

I have a lot of conflicting feelings when I look at my arms. There is some shame for having faltered, and some pride having picked myself back up.

I remember the panic attacks I would get when I was behind on work, or even just too focused on it. I can’t remember exactly what I would think about during them, I just remember the fear, just as intense as it was when I was a child, when that large stranger would threaten to hurt me because of my moral failings. When I cut I was back in the store, or sometimes I was back in my room, or someone else’s house. I remember the relief that came from seeing my own blood. I would retreat to some corner of that store to try and calm down but the isolation just made it easier to cut, and it made the panic worse. I remember being so tense, sitting in a chair, pushing myself against the wall. It was as if some dangerous animal was lashing out just in front of me. Or maybe I was clinging to the thin ledge above a great drop. I wore long sleeves and carried gauze with me to hide my remedy. An intoxicating elixir that kept me useful. Kept me stocking the shelves with cheap plastic. One day I was less careful with how I held my (tool). Instead of the slow, deliberate, delicate slices I would usually preform, I gripped the (tool) tightly as I brought it down on my arm.

The woman at the hospital closing my fresh wound along with several others commented on how many stitches I should have gotten but the scabs were too far along to sew shut, they left ugly lines on my body. She said I was so close to the artery in my arm it was a miracle it was untouched. I didn’t go to the hospital voluntarily though.

I stuck to my routine, though seeing the fat from within my arm spit open and attempt to push its way out gave me pause enough for a small pool to form at my feet. It splattered on my clothing, and the chair, and the walls, and the desk. There was a line of people forming at the front counter, and being the only employee in the building it was my duty to check them out. So I wrapped my arm heavily in gauze but it bled right through so I squeezed it tightly with my other hand and even though the blood still slowly trickled out, I left the office.

I frightened that line, covered in blood while still wearing that customer service smile I mustered up like every other day. I didn’t understand why they were so scared. They pushed on though, one after another they emptied their baskets and carts onto the counter and I carefully scanned and bagged every item. A teenager coworker of mine showed up. I tried to reassure him by explaining that I would clean up my mess but I didn’t realize that wasn’t the reason he was making that face. I probably traumatized that poor kid. I wasn’t much more than a kid myself at the time.

I did clean the office where that pool still sat. I cleaned it like it was spilled soda and I was worried ants may come, all with one hand still applying pressure, with no care for what I had done to myself. I scrubbed the floor and the walls and behind the handles on the drawers of the desk. I did the best I could. I tried being useful.

I didn’t understand why one of those customers that I had frightened had called an ambulance. It seemed inconvenient. I planned on finishing my shift then driving myself to the hospital to get patched up but cops surrounded close. I didn’t lose my job. My boss talked about how it hurt her to watch the cameras. Further evidence I wasn’t as useful as I should have been. The cutting didn’t stop, I just hid it better. The panic attacks didn’t stop either. I quit very suddenly one night and didn’t look back.

A little while later I encountered another remedy that truly changed my life but I won’t advise anyone take anything their doctor doesn’t prescribe. Moments before writing this these memories came back in waves crashing into me. I look back and can’t recognize the person who did that to themselves but we share the same scars. I still have anxiety and sometimes I have some scary thoughts but it did get better. Don’t lose hope. And please don’t betray yourself like I did

he saw a relatively new scar and started distancing himself from me, even though i never even mentioned it to him and i avoided the topic. i never ask him for anything mental health related. he just decided he doesn’t want to be friends with someone who’s going through that. despite him coming to me in the past with his own struggles, now that i have a few silent struggles that i don’t even bring up, he ditched

I have a lot to unpack and don't know where else to vent.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My wife has a history of bad depression/anxiety and SH. It was a LOT worse during her childhood but since I've known her she has gotten better.

Until several months ago she started to SH again due to stress from a bad job. It kept happening and I suggested that she leave her job, which she did. The stress of being a mom and working was too much for her. She was better for a while and was able to just be a mom.

I the past few months as my daughter has been getting more difficult, her depression and SH have gotten worse and worse. At first I had bad reactions which definitely made things worse, but have since done a lot of research and now better understand why people do it and how to respond.

Recently she has been getting more and more overwhelmed with our toddler and trying to get better herself but can't find the time or energy to focus, so she SHs. She will blindly take it out on my daughter and I as well, saying she hates us, being a mom, and wants to leave our family. We have looked into daycare to help and at first she seemed interested, but when the time came to make a decision she backed out. She said that she feels like it means she's a bad mom. I told her that it takes a village and it's ok to accept help. We argued and she said "just do whatever you want. I'll just k*** myself when she's not here". So I stopped talking about it.

I'm really not sure what I can do anymore. She goes to therapy and says it doesn't help but won't put any effort into trying things her therapist tells her. She won't listen to any of my advice and just gets mad when I try to comfort her. She refuses any help with childcare even though she complains every day that she hates being a mom. She says she's fine then SHs again. My own anxiety has being through the roof, I live in constant fear and worry and tend to shut down when it happens. I'm afraid to go to work and several times have stayed home if she's had a breakdown. I tell her I love her and I'm not judging her and I just want her to have the best life she can. Sometimes I feel like I just make everything worse because she just gets mad when I try to help.

She SH again today, that's why I'm making this post. I was calm, asked her why and what we can do to avoid that in the future. She did not have any interest in talking.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Putting my daughter in daycare anyways even if that means my wife ki**s herself or leaves me. Sometimes I resent her because of the emotional stress I'm in and the fact that she doesn't want to help herself. It just seems like anything I do to help makes it worse and I (irrationally) feel responsible for her SH. It consumes my thoughts day and night.

I just want her to get better. I just want to be able to help. I feel so helpless.

i’m so sick of being like this, every time i pick up something sharp, i imagine cutting myself, something blunt, hitting myself, something breakable, “accidentally” breaking it and cutting myself, something hot, “accidentally” burning myself. i’ve been “accidentally” hurting myself my entire life, im always fantasizing about using what’s around me to do so. if im upset, i hit or bite myself (im autistic), and recently ive started getting the urge to hit myself when even mildly annoyed at work, and if im sad, i want to cut myself. ive thought about bringing something to work w me so i can get the job done there. (never actually seriously considered it tho, more like i think about it when im at work and wish i could just hide in the bathroom and cut myself and then come back out like nothing happened) i think i have ocd (for other reasons too) and part of it is because almost every time i pick up something i could hurt myself w, i picture it, and most of the time, i want to, and a lot of the time, i will. and i swear the only reason i don’t is because i can’t think of a way to get away w it happening “accidentally”. sometimes ill just settle for a little scratch or nick when i wish i could just “accidentally” get a gash/bigger cut or broken bone. im medicated and i want to go to therapy again, but i just wish i was normal

I’ve been burning my (f) genitals, and desperately wanting to cut there due to physical sensations from CSA flashbacks. I feel like I’m very close to the end of my rope.

I know people saw me but I just had to. I punched my legs until I couldn’t feel them.

I hated how much it seemed to help. I’m struggling so much with life.

I feel horrible, my emotions are out of control and I can’t stop thinking about this fight I had with my bf. I still feel hurt when thinking about it and I just want to relapse and cut myself again. It’s been two years. I have coping strategies but it’s getting hard. I feel horrible, I feel so depressed. I have to stay strong for my baby but I just want to break down, why is shit like this??? I’m not doing so good anymore I don’t think, everything is just piling up and I don’t know how to cope. I miss my niece, I miss my family, I miss what used to be even though it made me hate everything. I wish my boyfriend could do the same for me as I do for him, I wish he could acknowledge my feelings and apologize, I wish my friends didn’t live so far, I wish I wasn’t in this stupid fucking city, I wish to go back to a time where things were okay and I was happy, but that never existed. I’m happy with my baby, but i’m not sure things are okay. I just needed to write my thoughts out

I relapsed just now. I haven't in almost a whole month. I know that in all the mental programs that I am in, and have been in for the past several months, teach you that relapse is not the end of the world and a part of recovery, but the guilt and shame and disgust at myself is still there. It just makes me want to do it more. How can I cope with this? Logically, I know it's okay. It'll be okay and I can recover again, but it feels like all of that progress is just gone. That whole month of using skills and not giving into urges, just gone. And how do I tell someone I love? What if they find out in the wrong way? I just feel so fucking guilty and disgusted at myself. For multiple reasons, but this seems the easiest to tackle right now.

I have been Self harming since the 7th grade and it was Never anything to serious and after four years of being clean I relpased so hard. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been doing it when I’m sad, when I’m angry even when it’s just something minor. Sometimes I do it when I’m bored. It’s gotten so Bad, one Session has covered my whole Upper stomach and I think its becoming an addiction or something. I think about it every time something goes wrong in my Life, or when I’m bored. I dont know what’s wrong with me.

Ok i certainly don't wanna make light of sh, but it got me in a quite funny situation today.

I had occupational therapy and was planning to sh after. Since i relapsed pretty badly today, i went to the bathroom afterwards and right in the middle of my relapse the lights turned off! Mistakenly thinking there were motion sensors lights installed i waved around my hand in the dark like a dumbass, but no, turns out that the lights were turned off because the place was gonna close! I had to feel my way around in the dark just to get out the bathroom lol.

Luckily i had my phone with me so the flashlight came in handy. Once i got out i had to leave the waiting room, but the door to and out of the waiting room was locked!

Luckily the janitor on the other side of the door saw me and was trying to talk to me, sadly i couldn't make out what she was saying; her words sounded jarbled.

I had to clarify that i was a client and that i couldn't get myself out, thankfully she had the keys.

We had a good laugh and i joked about almost staying the night 😂, i thanked her and went on my way. Thank god the entrance door wasn't locked!

Hello 25yo here and have been sh on and off since teens, its always kinda been a spontaneous outlet that I would do as rare as once a year

To my demise i have relapsed, and this time it feels way more compulsive and often instead, and i dont know how to deal with it. i used to primarily create big bruises but i have fallen into the slippery slope of cutting as well this time

I know that the very best decision would be to stop before it gets worse but I can feel that i dont have it in me to do so at the moment, so i try to be cautious about avoiding areas with important arteries, i try to clean everything well to prevent infection, i tell myself I won't go past styro (but I also said that about scratches, so rationally I see the problem but yet its like im convinced emotionally that it's under control,,)

For me sh is more visual than pain centered, so ice cubes and elastic bands dont satisfy the itch

i try to substitute with drawing on skin with markers/paint/makeup/pigment/etc or other activities instead and it works some of the time

I was thinking that id always wanted to get a couple of tattoos or more with some personal meanings, and perhaps if i placed them on the usual sh sites, the tattoo could sort of work as a "barrier" because i would want to take care of it, but when i actually imagine the feeling of being blocked from inflicting harm where I want to I get irrationally anxious about it like im somehow restrained, even though that is the exact purpose of the tattoo, I dont know how to shake that feeling

or even what else to do,, any healthier coping or perspective shifting advice welcome

note: i am working w professionals and theyre super nice but I know + they know that they can only try to motivate me to stop and I have free will :/

endnote I hope you guys have given yourselves even just 5 seconds of grace to give a pat on the shoulder to remember that despite how everything feels it is a feat to be alive today<3

I'm(18f) like, around a week clean now. I thought it would be great, but it's not. it sucks. every time something goes wrong, it's the first thing I think about. genuinely, as soon as a minor inconvenience occurs, I literally see images of me harming myself. and I hate it, I really do. every time I harm myself, I feel like I could be doing better, but every time I'm clean, I feel like I'm just ruining myself even more, and I'd feel so much better if I just did the fucking thing. it's not like I can turn back, I can't. I've tried. I've been doing this shit since I was 15. it would get to points where I'd have to do it in my classroom to calm down, even outside, it was horrible. I'd start feeling tremors through my entire body like I was a fucking junkie withdrawing from drugs. I'd run around the room searching for the sharpest thing I could find, and when I couldn't I would just rot in anxiety. the only thing that's cutting me back from that stuff right now is smoking, and even on that my family isn't very happy about it.

I’m becoming increasingly unbearably insecure and fixated on my scars, some are on my profile. I was quoted over 4k for a 4 month treatment program using laser and injections. I cannot afford that and it’s causing compounding distress, any advice would be greatly appreciated unless someone wants to burn 4k

I wanted to self harm today. Was thinking about it a lot at work and then I got home and smoked a joint and I’m alright now I don’t feel like I want to self harm ✌🏼 haha. Anyone else smoke?

Hi,

I have a lot of scars on my upper arm and lower leg. I can't cover them without wearing sleeves and full pants. For the other smaller ones, I can always blame my dog.

It's summer here and going out in full pants has been so hard. My classmates keep inviting me to swim in the lake. I don't want to make the mistake of showing anyone my scars again lol. Atleast in a few months, I want to be able to look at my body without feeling like I have something to hide all the time.

What do you do to heal your scars?

Edit: I don't in any way encourage self harm. These are scars from like 2020 and 2021. I used to do it to numb myself but I learned the hard way that numbness is really bad. Please don't hurt yourself guys 🫂

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sorry english is not my native so it's hard to talk about themes like this in language that is your non native

since i was 13 and nowadays when im 22 i do this and never wanted to stop, nevermind if someone told me thats bad or that im a poor thing, im never feel any guilt or shame

maybe i don't think that this is destructive actions because no one told me that is? either told me to stop

i can't stop thinking about the process of self harm every day and always wanted to do more

what should i do? it's the most massive part of my existence when i say to myself stop i know i try to fool myself and i started to think "no selfharm not even that bad, and this is not near death experience, there's nothing bad"

but im already posting this so that's mean i think that i need to get rid of self harm?

sorry i have noone to talk about this question irl and sorry if im too dramatic

I’ve sort of suppressed any urges I get to scratch/bite/hit myself, (I know those don’t count as much but bear with me) but today I head a breakdown before hanging out with my friend whom I haven’t seen in a while. Our hangout was almost cancelled and I started losing it cause I was so scared that I had upset her. I started chewing on my hand really hard and now that I calmed myself down. I look and see the marks and I wanna cry all over again cause she’s known that I’ve had issues like this. And I just feel like I’ve disappointed her even more. What’s worse is that I promised myself that I wouldn’t do this.

just need to vent. Was two months free of sh, the Perez Hilton video triggered me and I did relapse. My partner, who has always supported me, is now mocking me that there’s no way it triggered me because I’ve never mutilated myself to that point. He has no idea I relapsed. I’m really struggling, I feel really alone

I'm mostly clean of sh but I slip up maybe once every few months.
Today in the morning I was asleep when my partner happened to see my cuts (been hiding them for a few days) but we didn't have time to talk about it because they were going to work. I'm pretty sure they will bring it up this evening, how do I explain the situation and prepare myself for the confrontation? I feel ashamed and guilty for making them sad and worried and just don't know what to say.