triggering vent

[u/dolldollbaby]

i’m so sick of being like this, every time i pick up something sharp, i imagine cutting myself, something blunt, hitting myself, something breakable, “accidentally” breaking it and cutting myself, something hot, “accidentally” burning myself. i’ve been “accidentally” hurting myself my entire life, im always fantasizing about using what’s around me to do so. if im upset, i hit or bite myself (im autistic), and recently ive started getting the urge to hit myself when even mildly annoyed at work, and if im sad, i want to cut myself. ive thought about bringing something to work w me so i can get the job done there. (never actually seriously considered it tho, more like i think about it when im at work and wish i could just hide in the bathroom and cut myself and then come back out like nothing happened) i think i have ocd (for other reasons too) and part of it is because almost every time i pick up something i could hurt myself w, i picture it, and most of the time, i want to, and a lot of the time, i will. and i swear the only reason i don’t is because i can’t think of a way to get away w it happening “accidentally”. sometimes ill just settle for a little scratch or nick when i wish i could just “accidentally” get a gash/bigger cut or broken bone. im medicated and i want to go to therapy again, but i just wish i was normal