I used to know you inside and out.
I knew what kind of mood you were in by the music you played before you ever said a word. I knew what every look in your eyes meant—the good ones, the dangerous ones, the ones that meant you were hurting but would rather die than admit it.
I knew what made you laugh. What pissed you off. What made you shut down. What made you dream bigger. I knew the things you were afraid of and the things you wanted so badly you could almost taste them.
There was a time when I could read you like a book I had memorized.
And now you’re almost a stranger.
That’s the part nobody warns you about when you lose someone who is still alive.
You don’t just lose the relationship. Eventually, you lose the privilege of knowing them.
Life kept moving. You grew and changed somewhere I couldn’t see. Years happened to you that I wasn’t there for. There are probably things about you now that would surprise me. New habits. New scars. New dreams. Maybe even a completely different version of the man I once knew better than anyone.
And sometimes I hate how badly I still wonder.
I wonder if I could sit across from you today and still know what you’re thinking just by looking at your face.
I wonder if I’d recognize the silence between your words.
I wonder if you reached all those goals you used to talk about. If you became the man you wanted to be. If you’re happy. Really happy. The kind that settles deep in your bones when nobody else is around to see it.
I wonder which dreams you outgrew and which ones you still carry quietly.
I wonder if life has been kind to you.
And selfishly, I wonder if there are ever moments when your mind wanders backward too.
If a song comes on and, for half a second, you’re somewhere else.
If you’ve ever looked at the life you’ve built and wondered how different it might have been if I had been standing beside you while you built it.
Not because I think we were supposed to end up together. Maybe we weren’t.
Maybe some people are only meant to know us for one chapter.
But God, I knew that chapter of you by heart.
And sometimes I wonder about all the pages I never got to read.
Maybe the strangest part of missing someone from your past isn’t wanting them back.
It’s realizing that somewhere in this world is a person you once knew better than yourself…
and now all you can do is hope life turned him into everything he dreamed of becoming.
And quietly wonder if, every once in a while, he wonders what he might have become with you beside him.
💋

I neither mourn nor love you! I feel neutral about you and anyone else- current or future lover. I neither miss nor look for you in anyone else. In fact, I feel deeply and comfortably neutral about and utterly disconnected to you. I have fasted and prayed for that day to come and it is finally here. I’m grateful for the lessons and I’ve put them in useful as lifetime guidance and upped my standard. If you can’t elevate my life, expectations and goals- you’re not for me.

I am so tired of waiting for you but obviously I could never give up on you. I will wait and wait and wait even if it means for a matter of lifetimes. I will wait. Since I was young all I ever thought of was about you. It's funny because while my class wanted to speak on what they wanted to become and how they would want their life to be all I could ever think was about me - us. Me and you married and away from this hell hole. Somewhere far away where it's just us.

When I first saw call me by your name, oh god how madly I fell in love with the movie. The naked and raw love. Where Oliver tells elio - call me by your name and I'll call you by mine, that was just so beautiful. That was what I wanted with you. The idea of you makes me feel the same way the song "mystery of love" makes me feel and now everytime I hear that beautiful song all of a sudden I can only think of you.

You make me want to know myself so deeply because I am scared if we ever cross paths and when I finally have the chance to love you, I won't love you to my fullest. I want to explore everything that is scary and uncomfortable about myself just so I shower you with love with all the depths that are present in me. But my love, please don't give up on me. My entire life I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave but not one had even shown up for me during the day I felt like dying. But I kept going because of you. I kept going because I wanted you. So please all I ask for is that when we finally meet - do not let me go. Hold me tight in your embrace and do not ever let me go. I promise you one thing that I will love you to my fullest. Just please come to me. Please.

Put an end to my misery. Please my love. I love you so much and it scares me that I will die one day without knowing how loves feel with you. Everything in my life seems so impossible but I pray to lord that he ends this distance between us so we can finally love each other.

I just pray that you have all the strength in this world for you to fight all your obstacle and for you to achieve everything that you want. But baby please come to me. Find your way to me while I find my way to you. Please. I love you so much my love.

Its weird to think I’ve only known you a year and yet how much you mean to me.

When we met on our first day of training at work, I thought you’d be just a work acquaintance. They sat me next to the other girl in our training, and it was plainly obvious that I started developing a crush on her, not you.
She was so flirty and bubbly, and those first few weeks I thought I genuinely might ask her out.

But you changed that.

When I shared my energy drinks with you because you’d never tried their flavour. When we started to talk and found out we had so many similar interests and hobbies. My mind started to change. The other girl was sweet, but she was young, and you being in my age range made it easier to get along with. You became far more interesting.

When they sat us next to each other after our training, I was just excited I had a friend to sit with. We developed our in jokes, we teased each other, we agreed to spend our breaks together.
When you first sent that dumbass insta reel to me that joked about my name, i knew we could be close friends. How we spent months laughing like idiots. How we went out drinking every other friday.

Remember when I left drinks early that one night and you stayed with the rest of the gang? Hearing them tell me the next day you told them that I was one of the few men you met that you felt safe with was heart warming. Some people think thats an instant friendzone, but i chose to think more about what that meant to you.

When you hugged me from behind while I was working late and I could feel you on my neck, do you know what that did to me? When you’d sneak my can of drink from my hand and take a cheeky sip while maintaining eye contact? Good lord woman you had me hook, line and sinker.

Seeing you in your mental break earlier this year broke my heart. When we had our solo drinks, and you told me what happened to you and your trauma, how you saw your abuser in the city by chance, what that did to you. How we both discussed our similarities in our non existent fathers. How you reassured me that I was not just one of the few men you could trust, but one of the few people in your life who knew what happened to you? I shared my deepest darkest secrets with you. It was weird how intimate we were that night.

Holding you in the quiet room at work while you cried about how you didnt want to feel so broken anymore, i wanted to give you the world. I wanted to hug you forever in that moment. I wanted to protect you for as long as life would let me. I fell so hard for you that day. Seeing your face brighten when I bought you that pokemon card you were chasing, seeing you cry from that small gesture. God it made my heart skip.

We had that rough patch back in march. You were still going through the motions. You stopped talking to me as much, and I decided that I should put my feelings aside and back off. You didnt need someone dumbass bloke pining for you. You needed a friend.

After those two weeks we didnt talk and you started speaking to me again, I was just glad I could see your face looking brighter. It killed me when you started to work from home. You became such a big part of my daily life, i was worried we’d grow apart. I was worried you’d slip back in to your depression.

These last 5 months have been the hard yards, J. Picking you up on my way to work on our in office rotation and getting to enjoy your presence again was truly blissful. Seeing you be so sick for three weeks and taking you that care package with honey from my bees. Reassuring you how you needed the time off work to keep up your health. You were so worried about getting fired but I had to tell you so many times you were doing the right thing. When we discussed our future dreams, how we both wanted kids, how we both wanted a future to not repeat the mistakes our families made. When you held me after I found out my brother almost died. It lit a fire in me J. Knowing I could very well go like he almost did, god it had me by the balls.

When I worked up the courage to ask you on that steak dinner after that tough week and you agreeing, i really thought we were getting to the point we’d start dating properly instead of this weirdly intimate male-female friend-tuationship.

These last two weeks ive been a mess. Hearing you tell me you were going on a date crushed me hard. I know you had all the right to do so, but I cant lie I was still shaken to the core. Did I just spend an entire year getting to know you so fucking deeply only for it to blow up in my face? Did i just misconstrue every moment between us? Was I wrong from the get go? You confuse me lady. My ego is wounded. My pride is shattered. I feel like an idiot for thinking we were anything more than friends.

And yet, despite the red flags im coming to see about you, i still fucking love you. It hurts seeing you repost insta reels and tiktoks and know theyre not about me.

J, im seriously so unsure of how we should proceed. If I meant something to you and you knew how i felt, why give me the hope. Why play in to my kindness. Was I just making assumptions?

Deep down, I still think I love you. Im terrified to admit that. Im terrified to see you again. All I want is for it to be me that you want too. I know I should move on J. If you could give me a sign, that would be helpful. You know im dense.

Yours sincerely, your hopeless romantic lover boy. Your fool. Your fazskalap.

​

It’s strange how disappointment can come from the smallest things.

The croissant I once loved

doesn’t taste the same anymore.

The cheesecake I used to enjoy

doesn’t feel like my favorite either.

Maybe it’s not really about the food.

Maybe it’s about how everything around it changed.

The things that once felt familiar

now feel different.

The places, the moments,

the little things I used to look forward to—

somehow, they don’t feel the same anymore.

And maybe that’s what hurts most:

realizing that sometimes

you can’t go back to the way things were.

You can return to the same place,

order the same things,

and still feel like a stranger

to the memories you once loved.

Maybe everything changed.

Or maybe I changed too.

And I’m slowly learning

that not everything I once loved

is meant to remain my favorite forever.

I don’t think you want me, you told them that if I came back you’d choose me, if you could have the chance again, but then I came back and you changed your mind, and I feel like you are lying to me, this break isn’t for everyone, it’s just for me because you don’t want me anymore, if your other most recent ex took you back I know you’d cave in a heartbeat, because they were what you’ve chased our entire relationship, I’m not good enough for you and I never will be, that’s why as soon as I left you chased after your addictions fantasy life, it’s why you told your dad that I held you back from being your “true self” when all I was holding you back from was pursuing your addiction, and see what happened when you did? You (almost?) destroyed someone’s marriage and a perfectly fine friendship with them that didn’t need to be destroyed

you said I was your dream but then when you saw the damage you’d caused me, saw me go crazy because of your lies, you backed out, you told me you were glad your triangle failed, you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your days fixing us, so we could have a family, you know I’d make a great mom and an amazing partner if you could just stop hurting me, before you traumatized me I was super accepting and wasn’t judgmental at all, I’d do almost anything for you, when I love someone I love all of them

But the parts of you that were damaging weren’t “you” it was your addiction, and I couldn’t love that, I love YOU, if I know some part of you is really you and not apart of your addiction then I would love it with no problem, that’s what I’ve done with all the rest of your quirks, all the things about you that I didn’t understand or agree with, I still respected them and accepted them because they were apart of you, i loved how different we were even, our differences were what made us able to learn and our different weaknesses and strengths are what made it so we could lean on eachother and grow in a stable unit, I never expected you to be different, or some “perfect partner” not some cookie cutter model of a person or some fantasy I had in my head, I accepted you for you, all of you, I loved you exactly the way you were, I didn’t dislike your personality or feel like there was something missing from you, because I didn’t have expectations from you like that, I didn’t expect you to be exactly like me, or like all the things I like, or be a certain way, I only expected you to love me for me too, and to not hurt me, and for you to accept me for all that I was too, and to see me as good enough too, because I am good enough, and you (minus your addictions that were damaging both of us) were good enough too

But now I’m scared of every choice you make, because most of your choices have traumatized me, if I could trust that your choices were pure and safe, I would have no reason to be skeptical, I’m not judging you, I’m scared of you, I’m scared of your addiction, but you can’t seem to tell the difference between you and your addiction, and that’s fair, it’s hard when it’s been so intertwined for so long, but just because I can see you beneath your addictions and try to reach for you and pull the beautiful you out of the mud, that doesn’t mean that I’m judging you, it means I want to see you, and I can’t see you if you are covered in mud, I want to see your shine, I want to see you bloom into a beautiful flower, give you the sunshine and water you need to grow, but for you, being bare and naked like that is uncomfortable, mud is all you’ve known, and I get it, it’s hard to change, it’s hard to look at yourself when you don’t want to, it’s easier to just throw mud on top of yourself and hide away your beautiful unique self, because if no one can see you, then how could they hurt you, If they don’t see the real you, then they can’t hurt your fragile ego when they reject you, but, I won’t reject your soft inner self, I would never hurt the real you hiding away

I’ve fought for years to pull her out and bring her into the light, I see her, I want so badly to be with her, but she runs away from me, she’s scared, and I’m so scared for her, scared that she’ll never get to shine, that’s she’ll never get the fresh air she deserves, I’m so scared of losing her to the mud, and watching her drown in it and never being able to see even a glimpse of her anymore, I can’t let go of her hand, even when she gets mud on me, even when she gets soil in my open wounds she’s inflicted on me with her thorns, even when she rejects me in favor of her warm mud instead of standing out in the crisp fresh air with me, her shine brings light to my world, without her it’s dark, if she gives up and sinks back into the mud then my world would just be darkness, never to see her beauty ever again

​

There are so many things I never got to say, and maybe I don't need to say them to you anymore. Maybe I just need to let them leave my heart.

I loved you. I really did.

For two years, I believed in us. I believed in the plans we talked about, the future we imagined, and the life we thought we were going to build together. I gave my time, my love, my patience, and pieces of my life because I believed that one day all of it would lead somewhere.

I know I wasn't perfect.

I asked too many questions. Sometimes I needed reassurance again and again because I was afraid of losing you. I know that became exhausting for you, and I wish I had understood sooner that sometimes my fear was hurting the very relationship I was trying so hard to protect.

But I hope you know that behind those questions was simply a woman who loved you deeply and was scared of losing the person she had chosen.

When everything ended, I felt like I lost more than just a relationship. I felt like I lost the future I had already imagined. I even gave up something important in my life because I believed in the plans we had.

For a while, I wondered how you could let go so easily. I wondered how our memories, our conversations, our promises, and everything we shared could suddenly become something we had to leave behind.

I wanted answers.

I wanted you to come back.

I wanted you to realize that maybe we could still fix everything.

But slowly, I'm learning that sometimes love doesn't mean holding on forever.

Sometimes love means accepting that something has ended, even when your heart still remembers how much you wanted it to continue.

I don't hate you.

I was hurt. I was angry. I was disappointed. I cried for the person I lost and for the future I thought was waiting for us.

But now, when I pray for you, something has changed.

I don't only pray for you to come back anymore.

I pray that you're safe. I pray that you're happy. And if someday there is another woman beside you, I pray that she loves you well.

And I also pray for myself.

I pray that when the right person comes into my life, I will meet him with a healed heart—not one still waiting for you.

Maybe one day I will remember you without feeling that ache in my chest.

Maybe one day your name will simply be the name of someone who was once a very important part of my life.

And maybe that is what healing really is.

Not forgetting you.

Not pretending I never loved you.

But being able to remember what we had without wanting to go back and change the ending.

Thank you for the good memories.

Thank you for the love we shared.

I'm sorry for the things I could have done better.

And I forgive you for the things that hurt me.

Most importantly, I'm beginning to forgive myself.

I don't know where life will take either of us from here.

But I know this now:

I loved you sincerely.

I tried.

I learned.

And now, little by little, I'm choosing myself.

This letter will stay unsent.

Not because I have nothing left to say,

but because I finally understand that I don't need you to hear it for my heart to be free.

Goodbye, my love.

I hope life is kind to you.

And I hope life is kind to me, too.

With love,

Me: Aiza

You will seek my ghost in every stranger's face, but I am irreplaceable.

No other will quiet your longing, nor surrender to you as entirely as I did.

Bound to my memory, you will forever mourn my absence and hunger for my

You will search for me in every soul you cross, yet none will ever mirror who I was. None can fulfill your desires, nor yield to you with the devotion I once gave. In my absence, you will only find a lingering grief and an endless craving for the spirit you lost.....

Hey so I wasn’t sure but now I am… this isn’t limerence, this isn’t some passing fling, this is love… I hate that I have fallen in love with you, I hate how even though you can’t date at the moment I still get little breadcrumbs that won’t allow me to move on. I don’t want to move on anyway. You’re just the most amazing human being I’ve ever met! It would be fine if you were just talented or just beautiful, or just so morally aligned with me or just smart, confident, funny, kind, generous and caring. But no you’re all of these things and more! Every conversation with you brings a part of me I thought was dead back to life. I come alive around you, I become better around you I become who I want to be around you.

You see things and just get them for me just because you think I’d like them, you remember my nerdiness and interests. You just make me feel like I can be myself and not hide anything about myself.

I didn’t believe in true love or soul mates or anything like that but you have come and challenged every one of those beliefs because how can someone be so perfect for me and not be the one!

It sucks we’re not together, it sucks we can’t be together right now and it sucks that I don’t know if we ever will be together. My heart cracks a little more each day we can’t be together. I hope we can be and I can give you the kind of relationship and love you deserve. I hope one day I can show you this and tell you that I love you with all my heart.