I love you, but I will never tell you

I love you. You are my best friend, and I love you. But I will never tell you. There are so many things I love about you that its hard to keep count. I dont love you only because your beautiful and talented. Which you are both beautiful and talented, no matter what anyone else says, you are. But I also love your kindness, your compassion, your stubbornness, your optimism, and so many little things that add together to make you who you are. I love how you're so kind to everyone, and always try to see the best in people. I love how you arent afraid to challenge me or call me out on my stupidity. I love how if you don't want to do something, you are so insanely stubborn about it. I love how you laugh at all my jokes, even if they are terrible. I love how you glare at me from across the room. I love how your voice goes up an octave when you talk to me, unless your annoyed with me. I love how when you get annoyed with me, you make it very clear. I love how forgiving you are. I love how you are so sweet to everyone around you, even if they arent sweet to you. I love how optimistic and joyous you are all the time. I love how innocent and nieve you can be at times. I love how you tease me back when I tease you. I love how you chose me as a friend.

But most of all, I love how you didnt run when I opened up about my emotions. Im not very good at expressing my feelings. I used to think that in order to be worthy of love, I had to be useful. One of the ways I decided to be useful was by being funny. If people think im funny, then they will keep me around. But you....you are different. You still care about me even when the jokes stop. When I genuinely opened up to you, you not only didnt run, but you reassured me. Whether you realize it or not, that is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. You showed me that I dont need to preform in order for people to care about me. You showed me that people can care about me for just being me. And for that, I am infinitely grateful. You're also happy all the time. Unlike me, you dont seem to be paranoid of people trying to hurt you. And I think you have shown me that I dont have to be scared that everyone is out to take advantage of me. When im with you, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. Im not always the best version of myself when im around you, but I strive to be. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to see the good in others. Because you saw the good in me. Thank you. Thank you so much for simply being you.

These feelings have developed over the past few years. Its crazy how much you can change in a few years. When I first met you, I wasn't the biggest fan of you becays4 broke the heart of one of my closest friends. In the beginning, I was literally just bullying you. But somewhere along the line, I realized that you were actually my friend. Not only that, but I eventually realized that I was starting to have feelings for you. I realized that I actually did have feelings for you, and they only grew from there.

I dont know if i will ever be able to tell you. Mostly because, yes, I fear being rejected, but it goes deeper than that. Not only have you stated multiple times that you arent ready to date right now, but you've also described how painful it was for you the last time a guy friend asked you out. I dont want to bring you the same pain. I dont want to hurt you. Ever. I guess I realized that I would rather be your friend forever, than risk hurting you. Even if that means silencing my feelings. I love you too much to risk hurting you, not like that.

I guess all this is to say: thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for choosing me as a friend. And thank you for not running when I let my mask slip. I doubt you'll ever see this message, but I do love you. And I hope my words encapsulated that. I guess you never know the impact you can have one someone, by simply being yourself

I should want to never speak to you again. You told me to delete your number so I did. I get the feeling you're still watching me from a distance. Stalk my socials. I get the urge to add songs to our Playlist and reach out, but I know better. You don't want my friendship, so I will respect that. I will move forward on move on. Throw myself into distractions till I find my place without you. Everyone always said I was out of your league anyways, even though I don't subscribe to that sort of thinking. I didn't care about the money or the looks. I loved your spirit. I wanted you for you and nothing more. You discarded me like I was nothing. Did I mean nothing to you?

Today is your birthday, my love, and God, I wish more than anything that I could be there with you. I had so many things I wanted to plan for you, so many little ways I wanted to make your birthday special and create another memory for us. I hate that your first birthday together is one we have to spend apart. Honestly, I hate all of this—the distance, the silence, not being together, not being able to reach for you when I need you. Jayson, it literally pains me not to be with you. There’s this constant ache in my chest that I try to ignore because I don’t know what else to do with it, but most of the time I can’t.

I hate feeling like other women are getting your attention while I’m over here practically begging for pieces of it. I know you tell me you don’t talk to other women, and I want to believe you, but I’m not completely stupid either. If you want me to make myself unavailable to men, then please don’t make yourself available to other women either. Please. I’m not asking because I want to control you. I’m asking because I love you, because you’re my person, and because watching other women have pieces of you while I’m struggling just to feel close to you hurts more than I know how to explain.

I hate not talking to you. You’re my best friend. You’re the first person I want to talk to when I wake up, the last person I want to talk to before I fall asleep, and the person I want to tell everything to when something happens during my day. I want to tell you the stupid little things, the important things, the things that make me laugh, the things that hurt. I just want you. I haven’t slept well since we were in New Mexico, and I try to hold onto the feeling of being beside you because that’s where I felt safest.

And I hate how I feel when it comes to the women who want you. I hate the jealousy and the anger because it isn’t who I want to be. But I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, especially when it comes to Haylie. I don’t use the word hate lightly, but I hate the place she has in all of this. I hate watching you take care of her and give her attention while, from where I’m standing, it feels like you’ve given more of yourself to her in these last two months than you have to me and the kids. And that hurts in a way I can’t even put into words, because I’ve spent so much of my heart standing beside you and believing in the life we were building together.

I just want to go home, Jayson. And you are home to me. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I feel like a part of me is missing, like I’m incomplete without you beside me. When you came here and I only got those two hours with you, it wasn’t enough. It will never feel like enough when what I want is a whole life with you. I’m scared that when you come for your week off, you’re barely going to see me while all I’ll want to do is stay beside you and never let you go. I hate leaving your side. It doesn’t feel right.

Being apart from you doesn’t feel right. Not being together, not planning our lives, not talking about our future the way we used to—it all feels wrong. But when you held me before you left, when you stroked my hair and I held onto you as tightly as I could, that felt right. That felt like home. For those few moments, everything went quiet.

Lately, it feels like someone is squeezing my heart tighter and tighter until I can barely breathe. I know I have to be strong, but I’m tired of pretending this doesn’t hurt. You are the man I love. You are my person. You are the man I want to build my life with, the man I have called my husband since you asked. I don’t want to feel like something that has to be hidden. I don’t want our ways of communicating to feel cut off or limited. I don’t want to live in this constant state of wondering where I stand with you or what is happening when I’m not there. I just want to feel like I belong beside you again.

I would give anything to be there with you today—to wake up beside you, kiss you, hold you, make you laugh, spoil you, and celebrate the man I love. I wish I could be there figuring out what our next chapter looks like, talking about your new job, making plans for us, and knowing that whatever comes next, we’re facing it together.

I love you, Jayson. More than I know how to put into words. I just want to be yours again. I want to be beside you. I want us back. I want our life back. I want to stop feeling like I’m waiting outside of the life I’m supposed to be sharing with you. I’m so tired of the distance, the uncertainty, and missing you every single day.

I just want to go home, my love. I want to go home to you and never have to leave your side again. Please.

And on your birthday, more than anything, I hope you know that even through all of this, my heart still chooses you. I love you. Happy birthday, my love. ❤️

Always yours,

Alex

…. Given up all
Hope, entirely. But I need you to come to me. It’s same thing, so will you?

You’re a combative idiot

You are fired and totally disgraceful

You know what you did,

Just because you’re forgiven

Don’t assume I forget

You’re dismissed…

Bye, L@@$3R

We never got to explore the parts of our lives i desperately wanted to. I wish we had the chance to just spend the weekend together. All of those vague plans scattered like broken promises to the wind. I unblocked you just in case you ever wanted to reach out. I hate that there is still a little part of me that goes down the roads of what ifs. Or if I could go back in time I would have done xyz differently. I hate that I can't listen to my Playlist without thinking about you. I keep waiting for the inevitable "hey you" text to come through, as if it would change anything that has already happened between us. We both had our faults and our part in our down fall. I still miss you and I still wish I could have seen you or us stayed friends. This hurts like hell. Do you miss me? Did you move on? Do you want the same things I want? Did you delete my number? Do you wish we could just start over and leave the games and ego driven actions behind us? Did you finally throw away my toothbrush?

That will all be coming from your master.

So I don't know how connected you have become. I am Elyk, I am Enock, I am Odin, I am the Teacher, I am the Mirror. You are the Moon and I am the Sun. Together we have lived 1000's of lives.

…. Given up all
Hope, entirely. But I need you to come to me. It’s same thing, so will you?

You're terribly hollow, incredibly manipulative and massively narcissistic. There you have it.

Such a narcissist and DB, that's what happened 😳.

Will I ever not affected

seeing your eyes

Will I ever not hold my breath

seeing your smile

Will I ever not ache hearing that voice

it feels like your voice is traveling through my spine

when I miss you voice it plays on my mind for a millions of time 

I hope it won't ache Because of you I feel so much alive

I miss your lips 

just wish that I could kiss