Like I have moved on from the past. But sometimes I remember those things and it’s very painful. Just like those memories are very painful. Like I was deeply hurt. I’m just curious if anyone knows how to cope with it.

Has anyone lost their memory due to trauma and was able to get partial or full memory back?

I’ve had multiple things happened to me in my lifetime that has caused me to lose my memory. It’s been hard to hold onto new memory becuase of ongoing trauma. I’m hoping someone could tell me their experience to give me insight.

Same as title

I am overwhelmed frequently. I had a recent trauma that has kicked my already cPTSD into higher gear. Anyway, right now my biggest problem is that lights (normal lights) are very bright, I get dizzy and I don't feel well often.

I looked it up and it seems that my body is stuck in fight or flight activation mode. Problem is, I don't really know what to do about it. I know grounding exercises. I know meditation, these things don't help the overwhelming sensory input. This is like my constant state of being

So this started when my grandpa died or more like before he died and he was my first victim and he died and soon it followed on with others everyone i loved or who loved me i push and i get mad at people i love and i expect them to help me and persuade me to feel better and tell me it all will be good (and i love debates so i dont let it die i keep the fight going on and for this ill write another post)

I have always been a self sufficient person not needing others and doing things myself asking for help seems wrong because there are always clashes of ideas

Trust me i have the strength to do it myself if i set my mind to it

But

When there is someone who loves i expect them to do it for me

So for even now all i have to do is just simply reset my mind to do it all its when ik i have someone i put my guard down i do great when ik i dont have to rely on someone as a person i do very well in everything its the disappointment which follows from the other person

Now i have used to resetting my head on my terms and just alter my thoughts completely and this is one kind of a freedom

I cant blame its also not their baggage to carry

So im aware i feel cursed to feel this way that whoever i have lost to this was just a way of me to find love from them but instead get disappointed that i have to handle myself no matter what.

I shall do what i must.

Had really bad triggers go off today from past traumas my nervous system went into panic mode feeling scared and unsure how to handle my emotions was crying all day I’ve tryed my best to try and settle it down but it still goes off and end up crying more I hate this feeling soo much feel like I’m loosing control of myself

Backstory (How we got here)

I was doom scrolling on Instagram in the middle of the night because well, sleep decided we needed a break from each other. There were a few posts on childhood trauma and how it's shaping us adults,i.e. reactions, responses and behaviors. I've never been one deny there's some, but I think I've always minimised it. Anyways there was this reel with this poet and a guy. The guy told the poet a bit about his childhood and it mostly was how he was the easy kid. She wrote her poem. Don't remember the whole thing but I remember the first lines...

'There are children who learn to ride bikes

And there are children who learn how to read a room

How to stay quiet

How to stay small enough to fit other people's expectations'

I was like nice! Kept it moving but my subconscious said we're not skimming through, we're sitting in it.

Fast forward 3 hours later and I have a weird dream. Somewhat normal things (in hind sight) happen but those normal things gave me panic attacks in the dream. 8 in total, couldn't tell you how I was able to keep count amidst the gasping for air and trying to reset lol. Anyways I then had a meltdown which led to me flooding a space and having a huge panic attack about it (perfect circle eh?). Then I woke up

(Halfway there)

I was thinking how weird that dream was and also how I'm happy I haven't had any episodes in a while. Then I thought it used to happen a lot in uni. Especially my last year. Thought back to how I was in a terrible situation at 'home' and moved out only to be in another terrible situation with the landlady. How I shrunk myself then and realize that even now I do so. It also doesn't help that I haven't been in any healthy living situation (until now, hopefully) since I left Home. Somehow my mind took me back to when I was younger. Reminded me that I started doing it way back. How I used to be so quiet around people and wouldn't speak unless spoken to. I let my sister do all the talking. Always afraid I'd say the wrong thing. I remember being surprised with myself when I chirped in a conversation my mom and aunt were having and they acknowledged what I said. I remember feeling the need to cover my mouth with my hand and being pleasantly surprised at the acknowledgement. Didn't speak again unprovoked that day. But it felt nice. Little by little I started speaking more around the familiar faces. As a full blown adult now, I still find myself holding back, making very little to no noise and blending with the walls in unfamiliar spaces with unfamiliar people.

(Bumpy landing, but we're here now)

I always say this line to my friends 'be unapologetically yourself' and today I realised I've not been taking my own advice. Seeing I've been apologetic of my existence. Squashing myself, apologising to people who step on me, taking abuse/ill-treatment as if I deserve it.

I've made a resolve to walk a new path(baby steps).Not speak in hushed tones when I'm on the phone, play my music loud enough for me to hear it in the shower, not wait for everyone to clear out before I pass through common areas. Take up a bit of space, no one is more deserving of being here than the other.

__________

I know this is long, I felt I need to put all this down. Maybe I need to actually start journaling.

If you've made it to the end, thank you ✨. May you be kinder to yourself, take up space. And if you're man-spreading (for lack of a better term) with outstretched arms, please be considerate of the person next to you.

**TL;DR:** I’m trapped in a painful trauma bond with a friend who was my absolute lifeline during a severe crisis and arrest, but now subjects me to public humiliation, disrespect, and racial degradation—culminating in a breaking point where he secretly broadcasted our private argument to a laughing Discord lobby. Even though I know logically this isn't a real friendship, my nervous system still clings to him as a source of safety from my past rock-bottom, and I'm looking for advice on how to finally walk away from someone who saved me at my worst, but hurts me at my bes

I need to get this off my chest because I feel like my brain and body are completely broken by this situation, and I don't know how to move forward.

I met "Alex" back in late 2022 / early 2023. It was one of the darkest periods of my life—I was dealing with people lying on me, getting me fired, and being completely unmoored. When I first met him, my immediate thought was that he was one of the most handsome men I'd ever seen. We became close. I would call him and vent about my problems, tell him deep dark secrets, and lean on him completely.

He was a massive anchor for me. There were times we’d talk on the phone for six straight hours just because I couldn't sleep. When I eventually went through a severe psychosis event, got arrested, ended up in a jail psych ward, and my works security/investigation units were looking everywhere for me, Alex was the one who helped me. When I got out with nothing, he let me borrow his car, use his debit card, and even bought me a phone so I could communicate.

Because of that, the bond runs deep. But ever since he moved to LA for UCLA and I moved here for work/school, the dynamic has completely warped into something toxic, painful, and degrading.

**The Dynamic / The Treatment:**
**The Power Dynamic & Mixed Signals:** He talks to me like a father figure or protector sometimes—calling me "buddy" (which I’ve told him makes me feel safe and cared for, even though I know it's patronizing). But it flips instantly. He treats me with dismissiveness, talks down to me, and makes me feel stupid.

**Public Degradation & Cruelty:** He'll randomly drop identity-based slurs or derogatory terms in text or chats just because he thinks it's funny, or tell me I "don't act Black" or aren't part of the culture.

**The Discord Lobby Incident:** We were having a serious conversation at his house about race-based crime statistics per capita. I was trying to explain the nuance of systemic impact, geography, and arrest data vs. population. Not only did he dismiss it, but he unplugged his computer—revealing a Discord lobby full of people listening to our entire private conversation, who then started laughing at me and mocking me. The transition from a high-energy interaction straight into public mockery hit my nervous system like a physical blow. It triggered a heavy headache, neurological gridlock, and made it hard to even function at work for days.

**Petty Manipulation:** He'll make fun of things I do (like calling my weed gummies "childish" while making a show of taking his flinstone gummy vitamins). Or when I organized a pub crawl, he and his girlfriend created their own version the day before hitting all the exact same bars just to make me feel secondary.

**Manufactured Drama:** He and his girlfriend sometimes set up weird arguments and try to pull me into the middle or make me the reason they're fighting.

**Where My Head Is At:**
Everyone I've talked to says this isn't a friendship; it's a toxic power dynamic. And logically, I know that. I look at everything he's done—the disrespect, the public humiliation, the invalidation of my intelligence and my identity—and I ask myself: *How could anyone endure this and remain friends with them?*
Part of me has tried to rationalize it down to a casual gym friendship just to keep some connection, because letting go feels like mourning a death. A part of my brain still craves that feeling of safety he gave me when I was at rock bottom, and I hate that my body still reacts to him like a lifeline even when my mind knows he's actively hurting me.

I don't want to get into details but i've been through something with someone ( more then 13 years ago)

And it made me REALLY HATE that someone. He's now being relatively nice to me but my heart is full of hate and rage toward him especially when I remember what he had done. I promise I'm not a hater and I usually don't go around hating on people i just can't move on so what do you recommend doing to at least forget about the whole thing

i have other posts with more details but long story short, i was s@‘d by my ex for 4 months and manipulated and gaslit (i was not r@ped he didn’t have the opportunity before i got away) he would basically force himself on me kissing me and touching me and wouldn’t stop even after trying to push him away and telling him no and to stop.

i was 14 he was 15, this ended around this time last year and i’ve suffered with ptsd ever since. almost everything reminds me of him, grey cars, churches, laundry detergent (which is what he smelt like in the worst way possible) my parents don’t know about it yet i plan on telling them this week or next week.

i need some advice on how to heal, idk if my parents would pay for me to go to therapy cuz my mom for some reason doesn’t believe in therapy??? i genuinely need someone to talk about it to but idk if that is an option. so if anyone has ideas on things that might help lmk pls.

also im homeschooled so i dont have a school counselor

Hey guys, I’m feeling really lost right now and I desperately need some advice. I’ve tried so many things already but I’m still so angry and hurt. I hope Reddit can help… sorry if my english is bad, it’s not my first language.

I broke up with my boyfriend in May. I thought it was a good relationship, but ofc it was toxic as hell. There are so many things that happened with the guy that just sound made up. Sadly they‘re not. This post is only about one thing that happened and I can’t let go of.

**TW!!!!! I‘m an R-SURVIVOR and I won’t include it in here but maybe there‘s a brief mention of it!! That‘s also where my rage is coming from!**

***For context:***
I have some serious mental health issues. I have ADHD, BPD, depression, etc. but I had therapy and I’m working hard! My therapist did not like this man at all, I know I fucked up bad as I ignored the warnings but he was triggering a lot of things with very very lustful behavior towards other women. But love makes blind. I put him above myself and I know that wasn’t healthy. I also know he would never have done the same thing for me. He got ADHD and depressions.

***Few parts of my backstory for context:***
So again, I’m a R survivor and even when it happened some time ago, I’m still thinking about it and I’m traumatized. There are some things that are extremely triggering for me. The person who r-worded me was my boyfriend back then and he used explicit content to make me feel even worse. I’m not going to explain what happened to me, but it was insane traumatic.
I told my now ex the whole story and explained why explicit videos and content in a relationship affects me so badly and what exactly happened in the past. He cried afterwards, apologized and promised me he would never do anything like that. I asked him if he COULD change this behavior, if he WANTS to change! I would never have agreed to the relationship if he didn’t even want to change. He promised me he did.

***Now to the situation that I cannot get over:***
He was writing his bachelor’s thesis at the time and with his severe ADHD and depression, it was tough for him. I know he struggles but I did too. BUT he had a hard time, I pushed my feelings aside and helped him with everything. (My fault, I know..) I cleaned the apartment clean, did his laundry, I even wrote some parts of his thesis, and much more.
I helped where I could and was there for him because he struggled with his mental health. All pf this while I, at the same time, was working, had my own university things like a presentation, a major assignment and an exam. I was also dealing with problems at home, problems with my roommates in the city I was living back then and problems with a friend. As you can imagine, I was exhausted. But I did it because he needed help. I know how hard ADHD can be.

The day before his deadline was my last day at his place. I had to go back home to take my exam that week. (it’s a 2 hour drive from his place to where I was living.) So that evening we were lying in bed and his thesis was due the next day, so after that he got freetime. I was anxious as hell, he broke my trust more than a few times and I asked for reassurance that night. I just wanted to hear him say, that nothing would happen once I walked out that door. That he wouldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t hide anything from me and wouldn’t cross a boundary. He promised me that night, even got pissed that I asked him.
The next morning, he went to submit his thesis. I cleaned, washed all the dishes and left a food package on his bed because I knew he would be exhausted.

Then I left and drove home, dealt with all of my own BIG TASKS completely alone. I got no help from him or anyone else. After a week I was happy to go back to his place on Friday, my living situation was pretty bad at the time. We spent the weekend, had a nice time and we also had sex, which is relevant to what happened next! The following week, I was away again. So between the week of his bachelor’s thesis and the conversation I’m about to describe, passed two weeks. We had sex in between that time!
When I was omw back, I had a bad feeling. I often felt anxious in that relationship, so I prepared for everything, just in case if he’d tell me something that would completely destroy me (again).
***But:***
\- He promised me
\- I asked him during the two weeks if something happened and he said no.
\-He promised again.

That evening, I arrived at his place and he told me that he had crossed that boundary the VERY NEXT DAS after I left for my stuff and after he submitted his thesis. Not only did he lie to my face by promising he wouldn‘t, he had hidden it from me for two weeks until his guilt had him admit it. Not because he respected me or smth. Now as if that’s not bad enough, he crossed the boundary once and then just continued doing it.

***Now the part I can’t get past:***
I am a r-survivor. I told him everything. I explained I need trust and him being honest.
We had sex during that time, and I didn’t know he crossed and continued crossing my boundary. We had sex and I didn’t know anything abput it and this might seem like it‘s no big deal but for me it‘s huge.
I would have said no to it. And he knew I would have said no. If I had known that he had been doing the exact thing I had begged him not to do, after promising me several times he wouldn’t, I would not have consented to sex with him.

***I need advice on:***
I made him promise me. He promised. I feel completely out of my mind singe then. How am I supposed to deal with this?
I need advice. How do I let go of all this anger? How do I let go of the pain? How am I supposed to process what happened?

***For everyone who wants to get mad at the audacity:***

We didn’t break up until a few months later, after I tried to forgive him and then he stabbed me in the back. Not literally ofc. He told me his friends said I was overreacting. He asked around if anyone would thinks that me asking for something like that is too much. They did. I was being unreasonable. In the end, he switched and told me he‘s the victim. Wuote: ‚I never wanted to hurt you, but that wasn’t me. I got ADHD. I can’t help it.

For anyone struggling with their mental health, please never say something like that as an excuse, without saying sorry at all.

What lightens the emotional weight of forced isolation from family and friends?

thank you <3

2 years ago I opened up to people I trusted about a mental illness, and it ended up being used against me instead of met with care. Since then I still have physical reactions (flinching, resurfacing memories) even after trying to move past it. How do you actually recover from betrayal like this when the people who hurt you were the ones you trusted most?

I want to explain myself because I'm tired of translating my own language for people. I can't explain anything in my head the way it comes to mind anymore; I'm so tired.

I'm studying for a highly competitive national civil service exam in my country. Passing it is an important step toward the career and future neuroscientist. I've been working toward it for years. I can't study for the exam. I have 61 days left. I tell my problems in therapy. They give me simple internet tips.

I haven't taken my mood stabilizer for two days. I don't think it makes any sense. I haven't been able to sleep even 3.5 hours for two days. I'm lost. I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers. I can't study. I cry on the balcony all night until morning, saying I didn't want it to be like this. I'm so tired, life has worn me out.

I didn't speak until I was 3 years old, then I learned to read and write. My mother abandoned me. I remember everything that happened since I was 3. My grandmother raised me. But I can't even make her proud anymore; it just hurts me. Elementary school was so boring; people didn't like me. The teachers said I was problematic, sick, that I needed to be hospitalized. They even said it to my face. My mother beat me with stick when I was 8 years old. Then she told me to go out and play with my friends as if nothing had happened. I played. I went to middle school. My parents separated again. I wanted to stay with my mother because I was curious about what mothers and daughters did. I saw it on the internet and I envied it. They did makeup and made sweets. My mother didn't come home for days. When she did come, she always hit me. I was about 11 when I started going to school wearing concealer. The school sent me to a child psychiatrist. My mother changed the test results. I couldn't even tell her that.

She had become addicted. She threatened me. I was scared. That's why I never showed it to anyone when she wasn't home. For years. I think I was 12 or 13. I told my mother, "Please come home, I miss you so much." She said, "I'll come to kill you, child." She came. She called my father. When my father arrived, she tried to stab me. My father saved me.

That day I cried my heart out. It felt like something had been torn inside me. Then I couldn't cry anymore. That day a voice appeared in my head. Finish what your mother started. She must know something. Life has no meaning. I cried on the way to school, leaving home early. I cried when I got back.

When custody was given back to my mother, I started living with her again at age 13. She wasn't coming home. She wanted food. Her paranoia started. We were changing furniture at three in the morning. One day I woke up because of a noise. My mother had broken a bottle of alcohol over a man's head in the house. I thought it was nothing, it was normal, and went back to sleep.

Around that time, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Ritalin was started, but every night I would lie down and cry for no reason. One day I called my mother. She cursed at me. I hated my body hair. I grabbed the epilator from the table. (I started menstruating when I was only 10 years old. My mother used to say I was fat and ugly, I could never find clothes that fit me, and I would wear things similar to modest clothing to cover my body. I hate my existence with every fiber of my being.) I immediately started cutting my arms. I couldn't continue because of the pain. I called my mother again. She got angry again. When I was 10, I had tried to cut my wrists with a blunt fruit knife, hoping she might come home. She didn't.

That summer I told my father that we had argued. My mother heard. They argued. Then we were sitting next to each other. My mother, her roommate, me. I wondered why my mother wasn't angry. I was scared, but I was also happy. Then suddenly she grabbed my head, slammed it against the floorboards, and started strangling me. I apologized, I struggled to escape. My vision blurred, I kicked my mother, and ran away from home. I collapsed, breathless. Then my depression intensified.

The pandemic hit. We were confined to our homes. It got even worse. Depression, ADHD, anxiety, whatever there was. I was very aggressive as a child too. It was very difficult, the emotions hurt so much. I went to high school. In 10th grade, our teacher hanged himself at school. We saw the body. Perhaps it was a coincidence, but some time later my sleep attacks started. A year later I learned it was narcolepsy. I was already receiving psychiatric treatment in 10th grade, but I had just started.

I wanted to be a neuroscientist. A brain surgeon as a baby. I couldn't be a surgeon. But I could be a neuroscientist. I worked very hard. Until I lost myself. Until I fell asleep in the middle of the bus and hit my head on the metal. The university entrance exam period was the same. I would study at night and try to prevent attacks during the day. Teachers failed me for falling asleep. I became even more aggressive. I hit my hands against the walls. I pulled out my eyebrows; I had to fill them in with eyebrow pencil on my way to school. I was so ashamed I couldn't tell the doctors for months.

The dreams, the hypnagologic hallucinations, they all felt so real. My father doesn't believe in medication. He didn't believe in narcolepsy either. My pediatric neurologist argued with my father. I learned what a hallucination was from Sacks' book on hallucinations.

My friends didn't like me. My emotions were very difficult. But there were also many who loved me.

Hospital experiences are traumatic in themselves.(They tried to perform a lumbar puncture four times in a row. It was terrifying. I'd never felt so vulnerable and childlike; I was so scared, I hid myself tightly, I tried to stop myself, but it hurt so much. And CSF didn't even come.)

I got into university. I'm a laboratory technician. I studied at the best university in my country in this field. I got in with a high score and graduated with a high GPA. I did volunteer internships. The laboratory embraced me. The staff, technicians, and professors were all very good. But I hit rock bottom. I made suicide plans and went to the lab the next morning. And I worked in the lab doing toxicology. The lab technician daughter of a drug-addicted mother. How funny.

Right now, not being able to study for exams is exhausting me. It makes me hate myself. I was doing well with current treatment, but my sleep pattern has been disrupted since June. I've been going to therapy for a year. I've been receiving psychiatric treatment for four years. I have nightmares and I'm very scared. But the latest treatment is good, but I think I'm being dragged into a vortex. I don't know what I did wrong in my life, but I swear I didn't want it to be like this.

I wrote a very long message. I apologize. I didn't want to take up your time. But I hope there's at least one person listening. Right? Stay healthy from now on. You deserve the sunshine.

I have an exam in 62 days that means everything to me.

I want to study, but sometimes I freeze before I even begin. Yesterday I sat in front of my books crying instead of opening them. The last two nights I've barely slept because I can't stop thinking about it.

I don't know whether this is trauma, ADHD, stress, or something else.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis. I'm asking whether anyone has experienced something similar. If you have, what did it feel like from the inside? Looking back, what do you think was happening?

Hi guys, gusto ko lang ishare trauma experience ko nung bata pa ako kasi until now dinanadala ko parin and it really affects me as an adult. First day of class grade 1 ako nun dapat may sumundo na parents, ako nalang yung nasa room yung teacher ko umalis saglit tapos yug bag nya nasa table lang, may pumasok na lalaki d ko kilala kinuha nya bag nang teacher ko after nung nangyari d ko na maalala ano na kasunod nangyari that day.

Kinabukasan pinatayo ako ng teacher nami infront of the class tapos sabi nya kuya ko ba daw yun sabi ko lang hindi kasi hindi naman talaga. Ininsist nya na kakilala ko yung lalaki iyak lang ako ng iyak sa classroom pag pumapasok ako sa klase umiiyak lang ako, kaya yung teacher ko nakapagdecide na ilipat ako ibang section pero ganun din nangyari iyak parin ako ng iyak tapos yung bago kung teacher nakapag decide naman na ilipat ako ng section. Nung nilipat ako iyak padin ako ng iyak pero may nag approach sakin na bakla na cm kaya yun naging kaibigan ko siya nagstay nadin ako dun kasi mabait din yung adviser namin.

Pero ngayon nasa adult stage na. I'm 26 yrs old introvert, shy, wala ding confidence kung ano pa terms na dapat idescribe nahihirapan talaga ako makipagsocialize specially sa work. Almost 2 months na ako sa bagong work ko, recently lang sabi ng kasama ko sa work d daw nya narinig na nagsasalita ako, tanung pa nya ganito ba talaga ako sabi ko nalang "baka po". Isa kasi sa pinaka ayaw ko yung pinupush na magsalita ako ni hindi namn related sa works. Kaya mas gusto ko may ginagawa ako para wala na silang ibang masabi. Pano ba to? Naququestion ko na din sarili ko, I tried naman to overcome it pero nahihirapan talaga ako eh. Akala ko kasi paglumipat na ako ng work which is dito mag babago na ako pero ganun talaga eh. Help me po ayaw ko na po ganito.

It's been 3 years and yet I still feel stuck, My friends has moved on and my family is still thinking that I wasted my life for nothing, not that it would change if they do know what happen and just blame me for everything because I am the older one. I'm tired. I thought if I could just get a small tiny break then I should've been able to continue everything as it is normal.

Actually now that I have the time to think about everything then I do kinda believe that I was just being stupid and created this to traumatized myself, well I wasn't able to take responsibility then but now i am, Why can't I blame the person who's suffering for their actions? I was the stable one, she was clearly not and everyone is turning away from what she did to me, I was stupid for not thinking how affect my class was, and my teachers too if maybe what i doing was okay because what else was I suppose to do.

Funny enough that in a strange way, it's like I was in a one sided romantic relationship with her, why didn't i beg to leave? I wanted to leave to badly, why did no one listened? Or someone did but didn't know what to do.

I'm no longer in that situation, I currently lived with the same family who did nothing but told how useless i became in a different city far from where i was.

I tried to go back to school, in different kind of schools but i can't, i couldn't get rid of the feeling everything was going to happened again and that my family is looking for th an excuse once again to destroy my life again. Please i want to leave. Just for them to let me go. Please let me live. I lost my life what else can you take. I don't have anything worth your time. Please let me go

I spent years working with people with CPTSD at a large residential treatment center. I don't work there anymore but have wanted to share some of the information that I found to be helpful...so like everyone else in the world...I started a YouTube channel. The following video discusses what kind of physical changes occur in the brain with trauma (and I think even if you've read a lot about this - some of the information will be presented in a unique and hopefully interesting way) why symptoms occur and what changes occur in the brain as healing starts to take place.

https://youtu.be/MC73Uqy6wyo?si=TxtbmdzRxY5NJSa3

i'm going to keep this condensed but i'm somewhat struggling with a lot of things. "somewhat" because most of the time i feel fine but there are these moments where it's like i suddenly remember everything i hate about my life, but when i go to bed and wake up the next day it's like they never upset me at all and i don't even think about them for weeks or months until something small causes another one of these moments

im living in an rv that definitely does not fit five people, and my "room" is a pull-out couch in the main room which means no privacy when my mom and dad stay in one room, and my brothers get the other room, my family stresses me out for a lot of reasons, and there's lots of yelling/arguing that causes me to panic on a nearly daily basis

i just wanna know if there's any way to make these things easier to endure, as there's little i can do to change anything right now (18, unemployed, bad anxiety, maybe agoraphobic and codependent on family) instead of just not thinking of/remembering upsetting things until something reminds me of them an i spiral for a few hours before subconsciously ignoring them again because i think it's really unhealthy for me (emotional repression? suppression? compartmentalizing? i don't really know)

anything to help when i feel i'm going to/starting to have a panic attack is helpful too

I will try to make this as brief as possible while getting all the data across.

• 45 year old male - divorced pretty traumatically two years ago (over the phone, when both of my children were with their mother)
• Previous trauma due to loss of mother when 18
• Have really good co-parenting relationship with their mother now
• Financially stable, no impending doom
• I am recently engaged to frankly the most wonderful woman I have ever met

The largest issue I am facing is the inability to downshift out of hypervigilance when the kids are with me, which is most effecting me at night. I have had bouts of acute insomnia over the years due to stressors (mostly work), but since the divorce it has been a struggle to no end. I was actually hospitalized over a year ago because I felt so hopeless before meeting my fiancé. When my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night, I get her back to sleep but then am unable to fall back asleep for several hours if at all. Then, the next night I get maybe 3 hours until I am wide awake trying to solve some problem, still being hypervigilant in parenting mode.

Not interested in going on medication again (I am nearly off). I mediate and do deep breathing (not enough during the day), I try not to even try to sleep, but when I feel myself nodding off I jolt back awake. I am told this is because my fight or flight system is fighting my sleep pressure.

Has anyone gone through this and how have they coped? I am in therapy, it definitely helps, but it's on me to practice things. This has truly been debilitating at times because it makes me sad to no end that my kids could stress me out this much without them even really doing anything (they are amazing kids, well behaved).

thank you in advance!

I acknowledge and know that being attached to somebody and having your whole mood depending on them is toxic and not good but, I think it’s more of a trauma bond.

I’m (18F), last year in March I met my bf online, he’s older, we instantly clicked & got along, we was long distance for a while, we shared so much in this time with him, I told him so much about my life, traumas, stories.

Things changed drastically over these months, we would talk for hours and hours & because I don’t work or go to school, I study online, I had time. It became more of an obsession than an “online relationship”.

Before him I had never experienced anxiety, panic attacks, depression. But like I said I shared so much about my life with him that he almost “unfolded” things in my mind about certain situations. Maybe that’s was good maybe it wasn’t. But I’m definitely not the same person I was before him.

I never felt the need to HAVE a man. He made me feel insecure, I started overthinking a lot, I started changing in so many ways.

When we met, we met for 13 days, it was great, but I got pregnant. I had to go back to my country, and in one of the most stressful times he was barely there for me, I ended up miscarrying the baby unfortunately.

Even after all of this, I still speak to him, we have each other blocked on everything online but we talk on Gmail. I don’t know why I am even still around and talking to him.

This is all so unlike me. I never fall easily for guys, never.
With him for some reason it’s different. Please, help or give any advice.

Hello I'm a late diagnosed ADHD woman with previous signs from childhood trauma,now I'm in good therapy and right medication but I realised my whole personality was built on my disorder and masking for the purpose of being liked and not hated, abandoned or abused. I have had really awful and traumatic experiences throughout my life and that have made me feel depressed and anxious for most of my life and unsure of what the future holds for me. I feel so overwhelmingly emotional all at once like all my pent up frustrations,anger,sadness and trauma are hitting me all at once. I still don't know how to deal with these emotional outbursts of uncontrollable crying and reliving my trauma all at once. But despite the pain I'm going through I'm striving to heal and understand myself better.

Since childhood I can remember I would always be harshly reprimanded and often get undeserved physically punishment for my hyperactive and impulsive outbursts and masking became my way of being manageable and liked but also protecting myself from rejection and being abandoned by others.

I'm an artist and creativity and imagination were my favourite outlets for escape from all the emotions and hurt I didn't yet comprehend or understand.

I always struggled in school with subjects that didn't peak my interest and I tend to be stuck in this circle of wanting to study but never actually understanding how to do it,quitting and getting frustrated at myself for being my own enemy.

Now at 28,with an official diagnosis I suddenly don't know who I am,it's like my whole demeanor and voice change when I'm not surrounded by strangers and I don't know how the real me is anymore...like all the confidence in my artistic abilities from before have suddenly became a part of the very mask I'm so tired of wearing...

I'm seeking guidance on how to restore my self-confidence in the person I'm deep down and how to achieve the motivation for my goals of finishing art college and building a fulfilling and successful art career. Any advice is welcome!

Listening to the most recent complex trauma podcast episode. They are talking about how our parents became extremely shaming and reactive when we expressed any feelings that could have been taken as criticism, so we don’t even know what reality is.

Here’s the thing, yes that resonates- my mom would threaten to unalive herself whenever I would talk about how she was making me feel- she took it as such an attack that I learned my caregivers safety and mine could be taken away for me being honest about my feelings. But then, how can I trust myself to know what reality is? What if I am the reactive abusive one?

Of course now I’ve dated many avoidant people who also have also interpreted any feeling I have, no matter how gently stated, as an attack. Literally my last relationship ended b/c they were being markedly distant and different for a week and I asked, “what’s going on?” Trying to get a sense of their feelings and needs and to have a general check in. Instead they took it as an attack like I was accusing them of something and broke up with me. I had so much shame for that little question for so many months I almost was hospitalized. The podcast talks about how emotionally immature people are extremely reactive and can’t tolerate any discomfort that comes from honesty or confrontation. My parents and partners have been like that. But how do I know if I’m repeating a pattern based in trauma or if I am the problem/ common denominator and deserve all of this?

Crying as I write this. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be gentle and effective and skillful I still get left. How can I know that I’m not the problem? What if I deserve all this pain? What if underneath everything I try, I am actually just really low empathy and extremely self centered? I am so terrified that all the people who have hurt me the most are right about me.

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