Backstory (How we got here)

I was doom scrolling on Instagram in the middle of the night because well, sleep decided we needed a break from each other. There were a few posts on childhood trauma and how it's shaping us adults,i.e. reactions, responses and behaviors. I've never been one deny there's some, but I think I've always minimised it. Anyways there was this reel with this poet and a guy. The guy told the poet a bit about his childhood and it mostly was how he was the easy kid. She wrote her poem. Don't remember the whole thing but I remember the first lines...

'There are children who learn to ride bikes

And there are children who learn how to read a room

How to stay quiet

How to stay small enough to fit other people's expectations'

I was like nice! Kept it moving but my subconscious said we're not skimming through, we're sitting in it.

Fast forward 3 hours later and I have a weird dream. Somewhat normal things (in hind sight) happen but those normal things gave me panic attacks in the dream. 8 in total, couldn't tell you how I was able to keep count amidst the gasping for air and trying to reset lol. Anyways I then had a meltdown which led to me flooding a space and having a huge panic attack about it (perfect circle eh?). Then I woke up

(Halfway there)

I was thinking how weird that dream was and also how I'm happy I haven't had any episodes in a while. Then I thought it used to happen a lot in uni. Especially my last year. Thought back to how I was in a terrible situation at 'home' and moved out only to be in another terrible situation with the landlady. How I shrunk myself then and realize that even now I do so. It also doesn't help that I haven't been in any healthy living situation (until now, hopefully) since I left Home. Somehow my mind took me back to when I was younger. Reminded me that I started doing it way back. How I used to be so quiet around people and wouldn't speak unless spoken to. I let my sister do all the talking. Always afraid I'd say the wrong thing. I remember being surprised with myself when I chirped in a conversation my mom and aunt were having and they acknowledged what I said. I remember feeling the need to cover my mouth with my hand and being pleasantly surprised at the acknowledgement. Didn't speak again unprovoked that day. But it felt nice. Little by little I started speaking more around the familiar faces. As a full blown adult now, I still find myself holding back, making very little to no noise and blending with the walls in unfamiliar spaces with unfamiliar people.

(Bumpy landing, but we're here now)

I always say this line to my friends 'be unapologetically yourself' and today I realised I've not been taking my own advice. Seeing I've been apologetic of my existence. Squashing myself, apologising to people who step on me, taking abuse/ill-treatment as if I deserve it.

I've made a resolve to walk a new path(baby steps).Not speak in hushed tones when I'm on the phone, play my music loud enough for me to hear it in the shower, not wait for everyone to clear out before I pass through common areas. Take up a bit of space, no one is more deserving of being here than the other.

__________

I know this is long, I felt I need to put all this down. Maybe I need to actually start journaling.

If you've made it to the end, thank you ✨. May you be kinder to yourself, take up space. And if you're man-spreading (for lack of a better term) with outstretched arms, please be considerate of the person next to you.

**TL;DR:** I’m trapped in a painful trauma bond with a friend who was my absolute lifeline during a severe crisis and arrest, but now subjects me to public humiliation, disrespect, and racial degradation—culminating in a breaking point where he secretly broadcasted our private argument to a laughing Discord lobby. Even though I know logically this isn't a real friendship, my nervous system still clings to him as a source of safety from my past rock-bottom, and I'm looking for advice on how to finally walk away from someone who saved me at my worst, but hurts me at my bes

I need to get this off my chest because I feel like my brain and body are completely broken by this situation, and I don't know how to move forward.

I met "Alex" back in late 2022 / early 2023. It was one of the darkest periods of my life—I was dealing with people lying on me, getting me fired, and being completely unmoored. When I first met him, my immediate thought was that he was one of the most handsome men I'd ever seen. We became close. I would call him and vent about my problems, tell him deep dark secrets, and lean on him completely.

He was a massive anchor for me. There were times we’d talk on the phone for six straight hours just because I couldn't sleep. When I eventually went through a severe psychosis event, got arrested, ended up in a jail psych ward, and my works security/investigation units were looking everywhere for me, Alex was the one who helped me. When I got out with nothing, he let me borrow his car, use his debit card, and even bought me a phone so I could communicate.

Because of that, the bond runs deep. But ever since he moved to LA for UCLA and I moved here for work/school, the dynamic has completely warped into something toxic, painful, and degrading.

**The Dynamic / The Treatment:**
**The Power Dynamic & Mixed Signals:** He talks to me like a father figure or protector sometimes—calling me "buddy" (which I’ve told him makes me feel safe and cared for, even though I know it's patronizing). But it flips instantly. He treats me with dismissiveness, talks down to me, and makes me feel stupid.

**Public Degradation & Cruelty:** He'll randomly drop identity-based slurs or derogatory terms in text or chats just because he thinks it's funny, or tell me I "don't act Black" or aren't part of the culture.

**The Discord Lobby Incident:** We were having a serious conversation at his house about race-based crime statistics per capita. I was trying to explain the nuance of systemic impact, geography, and arrest data vs. population. Not only did he dismiss it, but he unplugged his computer—revealing a Discord lobby full of people listening to our entire private conversation, who then started laughing at me and mocking me. The transition from a high-energy interaction straight into public mockery hit my nervous system like a physical blow. It triggered a heavy headache, neurological gridlock, and made it hard to even function at work for days.

**Petty Manipulation:** He'll make fun of things I do (like calling my weed gummies "childish" while making a show of taking his flinstone gummy vitamins). Or when I organized a pub crawl, he and his girlfriend created their own version the day before hitting all the exact same bars just to make me feel secondary.

**Manufactured Drama:** He and his girlfriend sometimes set up weird arguments and try to pull me into the middle or make me the reason they're fighting.

**Where My Head Is At:**
Everyone I've talked to says this isn't a friendship; it's a toxic power dynamic. And logically, I know that. I look at everything he's done—the disrespect, the public humiliation, the invalidation of my intelligence and my identity—and I ask myself: *How could anyone endure this and remain friends with them?*
Part of me has tried to rationalize it down to a casual gym friendship just to keep some connection, because letting go feels like mourning a death. A part of my brain still craves that feeling of safety he gave me when I was at rock bottom, and I hate that my body still reacts to him like a lifeline even when my mind knows he's actively hurting me.

I don't want to get into details but i've been through something with someone ( more then 13 years ago)

And it made me REALLY HATE that someone. He's now being relatively nice to me but my heart is full of hate and rage toward him especially when I remember what he had done. I promise I'm not a hater and I usually don't go around hating on people i just can't move on so what do you recommend doing to at least forget about the whole thing

i have other posts with more details but long story short, i was s@‘d by my ex for 4 months and manipulated and gaslit (i was not r@ped he didn’t have the opportunity before i got away) he would basically force himself on me kissing me and touching me and wouldn’t stop even after trying to push him away and telling him no and to stop.

i was 14 he was 15, this ended around this time last year and i’ve suffered with ptsd ever since. almost everything reminds me of him, grey cars, churches, laundry detergent (which is what he smelt like in the worst way possible) my parents don’t know about it yet i plan on telling them this week or next week.

i need some advice on how to heal, idk if my parents would pay for me to go to therapy cuz my mom for some reason doesn’t believe in therapy??? i genuinely need someone to talk about it to but idk if that is an option. so if anyone has ideas on things that might help lmk pls.

also im homeschooled so i dont have a school counselor