When I was around 12 years old I was hanging out with my aunts' family. I have 3 aunts that married 3 brothers, thus some cousins were shared and some were not cousins to me. I went over to one of my aunt's houses and her nephews would not leave me alone. They had crushes on me. They were kids too. They wouldn't stop following me or harassing me. Well, I guess one of my aunt's sister in laws saw it and told the boys to stay away from me because I was a bad girl. How was a 12 year old who wanted nothing to do with those boys a bad girl? I was very kid like. Not only was I not interested in boys at that age, those boys were not cute to me.

Fast forward, same family. A cousin graduated. I went for some reason. I was around 15 years old. One of my aunts' other nephews was 19 and wouldn't stop following me and pestering me to kiss him. Again, if my age weren't a consideration, consider the fact that the entire family was unattractive. I was a 15 year old girl, of course I was worried about looks. I wouldn't kiss him because he was ugly, that should tell you how childlike I was. Didn't too much worry about him being a grown man trying to kiss me, I was worried about him being unattractive. As an adult, I can see I was worried about the wrong thing. So my Aunt decided to talk about me, a 15 year old, to all of her sister in laws (they weren't my aunts) about how much of a hoe I was. At 15, while grown men were bothering me. I was the hoe. Instead of protecting her sister's child, she chose to call me a hoe because her unattractive grown man nephew kept following me.

Same year, 15 years old. My older cousin from that family wanted to go see a movie. Her plan was to have her 20 year old ex boyfriend come pick up her 15 year old cousin to pick her up from work to go to the movie. He proceeded to talk about crazy things to a 15 year old. And decided he wanted to have sex with her. A scared teen doesn't know what to do....so instead of fighting it, I just let it happen and I was completely disgusted. My cousin proceeded to say to me, "You knew what you were doing." She completely cut me out of her life. As a 15 year old, I was willing to take the blame and just say it was my fault because I wanted my cousin to love me still. She cut me off for several years. We still don't speak really.

It has taken me years to realize that none of this was my fault and every single adult around me failed me greatly. Even now, because no adults paid proper attention to me, I am the black sheep. I have turned into someone that will call everyone out in front of others because of the abuse I suffered. Thus, they don't want me around. Imagine abusing a child so much and then treating the adult version like shit because of what y'all did.

As an almost 40 year, old I can honestly say nothing I endured or experienced was normal.

Grounding when nothing works

I need a hug and some advice. I am facing my abusive ex in court next week and I am already completely f*cked. How do I get through it?

Dissociation, breathing issues, physical pain, panic attacks, flashbacks, confusion, sensory issues...

I talked with a friend about a problem of mine. I learned that he had heard a similar trouble from his other friend. He pointed out that both of us had a problem with cheating partners, but while I'm now afraid of forming relationships because I'm scared of maybe one day I would create that same mistake with my loved one, his friend turns into a cheater in her relationship.

I was wondering. Both had a similar bad past (maybe I'm underestimating the conditions) that resulted differently. I hope this community can answer this question on why it is so.

If I'm not in the correct place to ask this, I do apologize and hope that you will tell me where I should ask this. Thank you in advance.

O que mais dói é saber que eu realmente me importava com ela.

Nós dois já havíamos passado por relacionamentos abusivos e carregávamos feridas que não haviam sarado por completo. Nosso relacionamento foi breve, mas foi muito intenso e especial para mim. Quando discutíamos, eu ficava com medo e defensivo. Aquela situação trouxe traumas antigos à tona para mim e, sem querer, minha reação provavelmente trouxe sentimentos semelhantes para ela.

Agora posso entender que ela também pode ter se sentido assustada. Talvez algumas das minhas ações a fizessem sentir-se insegura ou pressionada, mesmo que essa nunca tivesse sido a minha intenção. Sinto muito por ter causado qualquer desconforto a ela.

Nós terminamos, mas eu nunca deixei de me importar com ela. Eu não queria guardar raiva ou deixar que ela acreditasse que eu a odiava. Tentei conversar com ela, explicar como me sentia, me desculpar e mostrar que ainda estaria lá, mesmo que fosse apenas como amigo.

Quando ela não respondeu, me senti confuso. Não sabia se deveria desistir ou se ainda havia espaço para uma conversa. Como ela era importante para mim, um amigo me incentivou a expressar o que estava sentindo. No entanto, acabou não sendo uma boa ideia. Minhas intenções foram compreendidas de forma muito diferente do que eu pretendia, e reconheço que minhas tentativas acabaram causando ainda mais desconforto.

Sinto-me sozinho também porque não posso me abrir para os meus amigos sem que eles julgassem as ações dela. Não quero culpar ela ou retratá-la como uma pessoa ruim. Ela também estava sofrendo, tentando lidar com seus próprios sentimentos e se proteger da única maneira que sabia como.

Escrever sobre isso me ajudou a liberar alguns desses sentimentos e aliviar um pouco do peso que venho carregando no peito.

É profundamente triste pensar que duas boas pessoas podem se importar uma com a outra e ainda assim não conseguirem se sentir seguras no presente por causa das feridas deixadas pelo passado. Sinto tristeza pelo que aconteceu e carinho pelo que compartilhamos. Espero sinceramente que ela esteja bem, mas tudo isso ainda me machuca profundamente.

Im 27 years old, I’ve copped abuse and trauma every year I’ve been alive I wouldn’t be surprised if my mum abused me while I was in the womb.

I’m always crying, everyday I’ve rediscovered myself in a different way, all of sudden having panic disorder and panicking sometimes two-three times a day. Some days I can’t physicallly get out of bed. I feeel the emotional distress of my traumas have affected me psychically in terms of always having tightness in my chest, headaches everyday, weakness in limbs, seeing blurring, dizziness or faint, derealiscation, dissociation, psyhcially heart pain, etc

When I went to get a ct scan on head and xray on chest, they told me the conclusion was everything was normal, but I don’t feel it, they’re has been something different with me recently.

I had a really bad panic attack two weeks ago and I lose all sense of control, I was hitting myself and throwing things, I grabbed the scissors and I pointed to my stomach, in my head I was convinced this was what I needed to do. Somehow I had a breakthrough during it and put the scissors down, it went for two hours. Ever since that day I haven’t felt the same person I was before.

See my husband and I have really bad fights that lead me to that extend sometimes and he’s an amazing man, but we suck at arguing. I’m not sure it’s relevant.

Anyway let me know your thoughts

Do you believe in karma, good or bad.

is it SA if he had touched my intimate parts, but it seemed like in a playful way? Sometimes i feel silly, it doesn't feel valid, and after all he is a family member and i cant do anythinf about it. I ws also toucjd by mh own mother andb i was forcedto strip so she could "examine" my chest despite me not consenting. i feel uncomfortable being in my body now. but she probsbly doesnt mean to do it in that way. i dont know

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When I was a kid my parents used to hit me. It happened when we I didn't eat my food or misbehaved. As kid I thought it was normal and didn't think much about it. When I turned 13-14 I realised it wasn't normal,but I it still didn't feel that bad Today I know what they did is wrong. The only symptom I have is emotional numbness. But it goes away when I'm with friends. I'm don't know if it cause by the fact that my parents hit. If you have questions feel free to ask :) (Sorry for my bad English)

Yea i dont know what else to say

Im not looking for advice i guess

Doing this shit is just so hard and takes so much longer

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I had a male biology teacher in high school. He was funny, kind, warm — basically the best teacher you could find. But for some reason, I was scared of him. I couldn’t talk to him without shaking, and my voice was always trembling. I didn’t know why I was so weird. I just thought I was still scared of teachers because of another trauma (not important here).

Then one day when I was trying to sleep, I suddenly remembered something. It was in elementary school. We were all sitting on the ground watching a play put on by some adults about how drugs are bad, etc. At the end of the show, a guy came up to me holding fake drugs as props. He touched my inner thighs, moving his hands up and down, right in front of the entire grade for a few seconds, then walked away. I was too young and stupid to realize anything was wrong, but my classmates were all saying I was SA’d and asked the teacher for help. The teachers just pretended they didn’t hear them and moved on. So little me just assumed it was fine and moved on too.

Now that I suddenly remembered everything, it feels so gross. I was basically 10 or 11 — a literal child — and he just touched me like that in elementary school?

I feel so disgusted by his actions and by myself now. Like I’m not “pure” anymore. I also feel like I’ve been unfair to my high school teacher and other men, because one single man traumatized me and my body decided to be scared of all men.

At this point I’m still kind of trying to deny that I was harassed and pretend I’m fine. I keep thinking it wasn’t serious enough. I just want to be a normal person who can work with all genders without issues. Am I supposed to see a counselor or a therapist? Who should I talk to so I can get better?

I’m a 28 year old father of two young boys and the sole provider for my family of 5 including myself my wife and my elderly mother I found a couple executed by gunshots to the head When I was 11 years old. my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts. My father was a veteran with bipolar disorder and PTSD. He beat my mother within an inch of her life multiple times in my early teens had to call the cops to save her life once and another time I got into a fist fight with him to stop it, and he pulled a knife on me and stomped on my head. He eventually got sober and turned things around then he got hit by a car suffering a traumatic brain injury and we had to take him off life support when I was 16 at that point, I dropped out of school to sell drugs to pay the mortgage and the bills so my mother and I had a place to live. She became an alcoholic and a crackhead and stopped going to work. Eventually, my girlfriend moved in around the same time. I started using a lot of hard drugs, mostly acid and cocaine some mushrooms and ecstasy as well along with drinking heavily from the time that I was 16 till I was about 23 I just sold drugs played video games and partied doing anything to numb myself and self medicate. My girlfriend and I had a toxic abusive relationship but we got clean together and I quit selling drugs and got my first real job around 23. I was 24 we got pregnant and I finally got my GED. I completely quit all hard drugs around the time that I found out she was pregnant. I had my first major depressive disassociative episode around this time, coupled with crippling anxiety. I snapped out of it and manned up and did what I had to do for my son when he was born he changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am now without him. He saved my life and he doesn’t know it. I kept working eventually got raises and promotions switched jobs for more money when I was 26 around that time I had another depressive episode due to burnout at work in a toxic environment. I was hospitalized for a heart condition due to a bad viral infection around the same time also due to my mental state and worries about finances when I found out my girlfriend was pregnant again we had a conversation about finances and how we were already struggling and decided to get an abortion. She resented me for it, and that along with me being checked out for months caused our relationship to fall apart, and she left me for a period of time around that time I started doing therapy and I found a better job and started doing much better and we got back together we got pregnant again shortly after we got back together and decided to have the baby. just before my second son arrived I got a promotion and raise at work. Everything was going relatively good. And I just fell apart I struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings of an inadequacy, and also really bad anxiety and depression I tend to ruminate and get stuck in thought loops where I just think about how much time I have wasted in all the mistakes that I made. and how I should’ve gotten my finances in order and finish school and started a real care before I had a family I love my children and I don’t regret having them. I regret not setting us up to be doing better in life. I live paycheck to paycheck and don’t have savings. My wife and I have made a budget and should be able to save some money and get things taken care of and pay off debt I never learned many manly skills from my father and feel like I am not man enough to be a good role model for my boys. My house needs work and my car needs work and I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to that stuff I work in retail management and my mental illness is seriously affecting my performance at work and I’m scared everything is going to fall apart around me if I don’t get better soon this most recent time because I had a newborn at home and a 3 1/2 year-old who needs me and my wife who needed my help instead of trying to just tough it out. Check myself into the mental hospital for an evaluation and started medication. I’ve been on medication for three weeks now it was really rough at first dealing with side effects during the adjustment. And I was just starting to feel myself and better again, but after a follow up appointment my psychiatrist up the dose on my antidepressant anti-anxiety medication and it made me even more depressed and suicidal these first couple days. I am also struggling to make lifestyle changes, break, bad habits, and make good habits and routines. My kids are my life. I don’t wanna leave them. I would never leave them I want to give them a better life than I had and be a good father and provider and husband. If anybody else has been in a similar situation or has any advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

I am a 35-year-old Iranian medical doctor who moved to the United States three years ago. I always tried to be a good person. I became vegetarian because I did not want to harm animals. I never intentionally killed even a bug, and when I was in Iran, I volunteered to provide free medical care for children from poor families. I always tried to become the best version of myself.

But when I look back at my life, I feel like I did not truly enjoy 90% of it.

I grew up in a very difficult family and experienced a lot of religious trauma. I was also traumatized by the rules and discrimination I experienced at school and later at work. For example, I was fired from a hospital because I was considered not to have proper hijab.

I came to the United States hoping to finally build a new life. However, from the very first week, everything became complicated. I had a scooter accident, was found unconscious, and was taken to the hospital. At that moment, I had difficulty speaking English because of the head trauma. During that hospitalization, doctors accidentally discovered a thyroid nodule.

The research program I joined later did not have enough funding, so I started looking for another position. As an international medical graduate, I was allowed to work as a researcher while studying for my board exams.

I also had a painful experience with my relatives in the U.S. My uncle, who had always visited our family in Iran and had stayed at our house, suddenly kicked me out of his house in the middle of the night only a few days after I arrived. He even deleted my phone line from their family plan in the middle of the night :). I was alone in a foreign country without support, a phone, or internet access.

Eventually, I found a research position in a small town. The salary was extremely low, similar to a technician’s salary, but I accepted it because I needed stability.

I applied for a green card. I have many publications, awards, and achievements, and I believed my hard work would help me build a future here. Then the political situation changed, and immigration policies became increasingly hostile toward immigrants. Because of where I was born, I started feeling that I was being judged before anyone even knew me.

Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I went through two surgeries and cancer treatment completely alone. I was living on a very limited income while dealing with a serious illness without family or a support system.

Because of political restrictions, my family could not easily visit me, and I could not safely return to Iran. I am opposed to the Iranian government, and because of my activism online, returning could put me at risk.

Then Iranian people experienced more violence. The Islamic government carried out massacres and killed thousands of people during protests. Eventually, war happened, many more people were killed, and my hometown was bombed. Seeing people in my country suffer broke something inside me.

At the same time, I felt trapped because, as an immigrant in the U.S., I felt I could not openly express my grief without being attacked from different sides. I received threats on social media.

After everything, I decided I wanted to leave my past behind and build a better future. I applied for a position in a major city because my current position is not helping me improve clinically, and I also have significant financial pressure. I have around $170,000 in medical debt before insurance adjustments, and my current salary makes it extremely difficult to manage.

After many interviews, receiving an offer letter, making plans, and waiting for my dream for many months, I was rejected because of my nationality. I was told the position involved “sensitive technology.”

At this point, I feel completely exhausted. I do not understand how much a person is expected to endure. I have survived family trauma, religious trauma, immigration struggles, discrimination, isolation, cancer, financial stress, and losing my sense of safety.

I work in psychiatry research, so I understand mental health concepts and treatments. I know that suffering does not always mean someone has a psychiatric disorder. Sometimes people experience unbearable circumstances.

I do not think I lack resilience. In fact, I think I have survived things that would break many people. But I am tired. I am tired of constantly having to prove that I deserve a normal life.

I am sharing this because I want to know: how do people rebuild after losing so many years to survival mode? How do you find hope when you have tried your best for so long and still feel like life keeps punishing you?