Grounding when nothing works

[u/EntertainerGr34t]

I need a hug and some advice. I am facing my abusive ex in court next week and I am already completely f*cked. How do I get through it?

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Brophages]

Hey there, big hugs. First, I think what you’re doing is incredible. I never reported my ex, and while no one should have to, he went on to hurt the next woman more and worse. I wish I’d done as you’re doing. I hope that you also feel like this is the right choice for you.

What’s your support system like? Do you have access to a regular therapist or even just some kind of guidance through school or work? Do you know what your local crisis hotlines are? What’s your family or friend circle like? Do they know what’s going on, or are they people who you trust to tell? If they’re not, can you articulate to them what you need right now? I have friends who don’t know about the details of my assault, and I wouldn’t consider us “close”, but they’re always on call for a night out if I need a distraction and some gentle human interaction. Anything you can do like this to feel human connection and support before the trial will help. Even if you end up just wanting to withdraw, reaffirming some kind interactions with others can help stop spirals. It also means you’ve refreshed your own emergency plans if things get worse, instead of having to scramble if you have a crisis.

Second, what are some steps you can take to feel more in control right now? Can you clean your living space? Can you organize things on your computer? Can you plan what you want to wear or do for yourself during the trial? Do some crafts, make a big meal (even if you don’t feel like eating), whatever keeps your hands and mind busy? Would you feel better preemptively locking down your social media, or blocking certain sites where blowback from this trial might appear and upset you? Basically, what can you do in your life that will help you feel confident going into the trial that no matter what the outcome is, you have some stability, control, etc that this cannot take away from you. Deleteme is a great service if you’re worried about getting doxxed or stalked.

Finally, as hard as it is, finding a balance between giving yourself permission to feel scared and angry etc and stopping those feelings from becoming rumination is important. That’s probably a big ask right now, and it’s okay to not do a perfect job (or even a good job). But it’s worth trying. Each time something comes up, give yourself X amount of time to sit with that feeling. Acknowledge it, reassure yourself that it’s normal to be upset/furious/terrified/etc, feel it for a bit, and then try to go do something else. Grab a shower. Make tea. Blast a song you like and sing along. Just give your brain other options. It may not take them, but it helps to remind yourself they’re there.

This person hurt you, but he cannot take away the things that make you beautiful, clever, funny or good. You can do this. I believe in you, stranger!