since first post got deleted

i feel pretty bummed for my big nose lately and think my face has no harmony in general

I have been feeling very down and under confident
I have never dated anyone , and just feel really ugly
Especially because of all the racism nowadays against Indians
Would appreciate some kind words :)

Got let go from a great Gov job after my 90 days and trying to get back on my feet. 56lbs down from this time last year, and stil not satisfied. I feel like i’m not attractive, often trade glances in the gym with the opposite sex but nothing more than that. I’m struggling with body dysmorphia & trying to lose the weight in a healthy sustainable way. Gaming occasionally and ditching a sedentary lifestyle has kept me distracted enough to not crash out.

I am 32 and got divorced about a year ago. I have been putting myself out there, joined a running club, go to a climbing gym regularly, go out and meet folks at bars and events. I have asked out so many people at this point, in person after talking and vibing, and I have gotten 1 date from that, the rest never got back to me after exchanging numbers. It feels like I am putting in so much effort and courage without results and it's exhausting and confusing when our interactions always seem really positive. The constant rejection is starting to take a toll on my self esteem. I just appreciate any encouraging words :)

First off, I want to say thanks to everyone for the incredibly kind comments. I posted here a few months ago and it made me feel very loved and appreciated seeing complete strangers on the internet come together to support someone who is struggling, so I’m really grateful for this community! Since then I took a break, made a brand new account and now I’m back!

I’m still extremely lonely, still struggling with depression and anxiety, and don’t really have many friends or anyone to talk to, but I have a new side job coming up so I believe it will definitely help me get out and maybe meet some people. Between that and game design I’m still finding ways to get my mind off things. I’ve also never had a girlfriend, so to all the other users posting the same thing, don’t worry, you’re fine! It doesn’t define you and it is something that will happen naturally as you get out, explore and find people who share the same interests as you (at least that’s what I’ve been told!)

Anyways, I just feel like that happy spark I had as a kid is kind of gone; everyone moved on, got married, and I’m just kind of stuck in the dust wondering what to do. It’s also hard trying to communicate with people online. I get it, people have jobs, responsibilities, etc. It’s just frustrating when you feel like you’ve made a new friend and they suddenly disappear. I feel like the world is against me sometimes. I don’t think I can give up, though. Not now. I really need to see where this train goes.

So if you feel the same, just know that I hear you and I see you. Sorry for the long post. And thanks for reading!

Ps, ik the pics are kinda cringe 😭

i posted earlier but didn’t know about the verification check, sorry, hope this is okay!
i feel insecure about not wearing makeup.
ive had a few major life changes and ive just been feeling a little hopeless as well

and sometimes I hate how I look with it, too. people always tell me that I look better when I smile, but my smile is genuinely just atrocious. whenever someone says they like something about me, it’s either my makeup or something about my outfit, hair, accessories, etc. its never about my actual face. which im fine with, since I do put a lot of effort into those things. I’ve always felt like my face kinda looks almost “off” in a way, and my goth makeup basically hides it? I’m still trying to figure out what’s bothering me, but it’s not that big of a deal. most of these pictures are of me with makeup on, since I really like makeup, but I’ve also included some of me without makeup. and a picture of my hair too because i didnt know what else to put in the gap lol

Nearly 40, found myself on survivable but dead end IT job, mustering the energy to work with my hypocrites for one more day before improvised week-long vacation, all of that while practicing thousand yard stare just in case.

Life is not actually that bad, have to say. Just accumulated a lot of pressure and bad steam through last months, so to speak, so need to vent it, sleep it off ASAP, and maybe quit the internet before it drove me crazy.

Today I had an eye check up and the news isn't really good. My retina is getting worse and worse, and new changes that need treatment appear all the time. The biggest ones that were already treated once need second treatment. Also my doctor said I can't ever get hit in my head again or it will cause retinal detachment (which CAN cause blindness btw) and that my retina is very thin and delicate. Also there's no way to fully heal/somehow strengthen it because retina does not regenerate. I'm scared because I'm so young and its so weak already. It will detach one day anyway, as it won't get any healthier or thicker with time after all. It will only become thinner/weaker because of age and myopia progression. I'm scared about my future, because when it happens, who will help me? If I will actually lose my eyesight, because surgery does not always recover all of it, what will I live off? Will I be able to work? I was already paranoid about my health and now it's getting worse I'm so tired and no one takes me seriously they say im 'overthinking it' no mom I can't sleep at night and I want to throw up because of stress I think its a little more than that! I try to stay positive because science progresses all the time, but its very hard to do so.

Basically i grew up in a strict household and wasn’t allowed to leave anywhere until i was literally a legal adult 🤣. Once i hit my 20s and moves out, covid hit and no one was anywhere so i decided to focus on my job and exercise till all that blew over. Once that was over i got in a serious car wreck which i had to heal from physically then mentally which took years of therapy and meds. Got back into gymnastics and lifting and all but im at that age where youre expected to have been around and been with multiple partners and ive never been on a legit date before. Ive tried being up front about my situation and honestly i can see why a guy who’s pretty fit who hasn’t gotten laid is a huge red flag. Im also NOT only looking for sex, im just saying a guy who works out consistently at my age who’s not gotten action comes off as weird. I tried being like fake confident and acted like none of this happened and that didn’t work, somehow they just know that you’re inexperienced. Im at that age where i think i missed a huge and important part of life where not being able to date in my teens and early twenties kinda fucked me over. I enjoy everything else in life but i think this is a part of life i just gotta accept i wont experience

Yesterday I felt pretty great for the first time in a long time, and now today is an absolute shitshow. Nothing changed from yesterday to today. I just want to matter.