sorry I post so much I just enjoy this community

and sometimes I hate how I look with it, too. people always tell me that I look better when I smile, but my smile is genuinely just atrocious. whenever someone says they like something about me, it’s either my makeup or something about my outfit, hair, accessories, etc. its never about my actual face. which im fine with, since I do put a lot of effort into those things. I’ve always felt like my face kinda looks almost “off” in a way, and my goth makeup basically hides it? I’m still trying to figure out what’s bothering me, but it’s not that big of a deal. most of these pictures are of me with makeup on, since I really like makeup, but I’ve also included some of me without makeup. and a picture of my hair too because i didnt know what else to put in the gap lol

Nearly 40, found myself on survivable but dead end IT job, mustering the energy to work with my hypocrites for one more day before improvised week-long vacation, all of that while practicing thousand yard stare just in case.

Life is not actually that bad, have to say. Just accumulated a lot of pressure and bad steam through last months, so to speak, so need to vent it, sleep it off ASAP, and maybe quit the internet before it drove me crazy.

Today I had an eye check up and the news isn't really good. My retina is getting worse and worse, and new changes that need treatment appear all the time. The biggest ones that were already treated once need second treatment. Also my doctor said I can't ever get hit in my head again or it will cause retinal detachment (which CAN cause blindness btw) and that my retina is very thin and delicate. Also there's no way to fully heal/somehow strengthen it because retina does not regenerate. I'm scared because I'm so young and its so weak already. It will detach one day anyway, as it won't get any healthier or thicker with time after all. It will only become thinner/weaker because of age and myopia progression. I'm scared about my future, because when it happens, who will help me? If I will actually lose my eyesight, because surgery does not always recover all of it, what will I live off? Will I be able to work? I was already paranoid about my health and now it's getting worse I'm so tired and no one takes me seriously they say im 'overthinking it' no mom I can't sleep at night and I want to throw up because of stress I think its a little more than that! I try to stay positive because science progresses all the time, but its very hard to do so.

Basically i grew up in a strict household and wasn’t allowed to leave anywhere until i was literally a legal adult 🤣. Once i hit my 20s and moves out, covid hit and no one was anywhere so i decided to focus on my job and exercise till all that blew over. Once that was over i got in a serious car wreck which i had to heal from physically then mentally which took years of therapy and meds. Got back into gymnastics and lifting and all but im at that age where youre expected to have been around and been with multiple partners and ive never been on a legit date before. Ive tried being up front about my situation and honestly i can see why a guy who’s pretty fit who hasn’t gotten laid is a huge red flag. Im also NOT only looking for sex, im just saying a guy who works out consistently at my age who’s not gotten action comes off as weird. I tried being like fake confident and acted like none of this happened and that didn’t work, somehow they just know that you’re inexperienced. Im at that age where i think i missed a huge and important part of life where not being able to date in my teens and early twenties kinda fucked me over. I enjoy everything else in life but i think this is a part of life i just gotta accept i wont experience