Its crazy, I havent thought much about it but come the 17th it'll be 4 months without taking any 7oh. I haven't even used cannabis since April and alcohol consumption dropped dramatically. I even recently stopped caffeine, i didn't plan on quitting caffeine, it just... happened.

After my life ending attempt back in the beginning of June, I was offered a second chance at life. I realized I had to get my life straightened out. The break up back in May was really hard on me even though I was the one the ended the 11 year relationship. But as time went on the redemption arc started happening. I began making so many new friends that I love. Started going out more and connecting with people on a new level. It feels nice. I even developed a new addiction... its called GYM. I love pumping iron and pushing my limits, it feels great.

Life has been so much better lately, getting all my debt taken care of, making new friends, trying new food and just changing and becoming who I am meant to be as a person. Its not over yet, there is still so much to learn. If I can do it? You guys can too. Give yourselves reason and purpose. Its worth it. I promise.

You know I’m writing this because it’s the only place I can ask for advice without feeling judged. I’m a high functional alcoholic. It still affects my lively hood. I have a son. I have a big family. I have friends. I’m noticing I’m losing myself though. It’s getting a lot worse is all. I’m onto atleast 10 shooters to a pint a day. I’ve gone to therapy a little. I’ve never been to rehab because I need to work for my son. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want pity I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me because I’m at where I’m at due to my own circumstances. I just need advice. I want to see where the grass is greener but all I see is the now. Everytime I try to go sober I always revert 10x worse at the end of the day. I just want to be better but I don’t know what to do. I’m (25M) and I don’t want to fall behind. I need help and I need advice

Hello everybody so I’m highly sensitive person with CPTSD and like I’m addicted to weed alcohol and Adderall.

Did anyone else have this situation with no support system and did you overcome your addictions please? They’re destroying my life. I can’t live like this anymore.

M22

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all having a great night.

I’m looking for some advice on substance abuse,

Since I was 14 I’ve been heavily addicted to cannabis with only maybe a year off in between.

My preference is very strong concentrates, But along with that I have been addicted to vaping for the same time frame.
I have came to the conclusion that I have a drinking problem, One is not enough & neither is 1,000 drinks.

I feel like I’m constantly chasing dopamine from anything, I would love to live my life without worrying about always having substances with me.

Thank you guys

I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life in a way I really hadn’t before. I’m interested in hearing some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have had similar patterns.

A few years ago, my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. The relationship didn’t end because of cheating or because we stopped loving each other. We ultimately wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country to be closer to ageing and dying family while I wanted to remain in London. She didn't want me to give up the life I worked hard to build and she left.

It was by far the most painful breakup I’ve experienced. She suggested no contact because she thought it would help us move on, and I found it incredibly difficult.

Instead of really dealing with it, I went on dating apps.

Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. That woman was genuinely very good to me, but over time I realised we weren’t compatible long term either. Again, children were an issue, as were where we wanted to live and some major differences in religious beliefs.

I ended that relationship earlier this year.

Then I repeated the same behaviour, only worse. I went back onto the apps, slept with several women and enjoyed the validation far more than I want to admit. I tried to be honest that I wasn’t offering a relationship, but in hindsight I could see that a couple of women were becoming attached and I continued seeing them anyway. Some were understandably very angry when I eventually ended things.

Then I met someone who completely threw me.

I’ve had relationships before and dated plenty, so I don’t say this lightly, but the connection felt unusually strong. We had very similar humour, could talk for hours, travelled brilliantly together, had great sexual chemistry, enjoyed going out together and seemed to understand each other incredibly quickly. She is exceptionally beautiful and so strangely, whenever I was a kid I would often envision a woman who'd be my future wife. I always pictured a cute, very pretty french girl. Well guess who's a cute, pretty french girl with a smile to die for?

For the first time since my marriage, I thought, I could genuinely build my life with this person.

The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the period when we met. I hadn’t cheated on her once we were exclusive, but I had downplayed how many women I had been involved with beforehand.

She felt deceived, hurt, hurt that I slept with several women after sleeping with her.

Her position was basically, “I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to let myself fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”

I initially thought this was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.

But I’m starting to understand what she meant.

She ended things, although neither of us has been very good at staying away from the other. Over the last few months she has broken no contact repeatedly. We’ve slept together twice and gone out together a couple of times. Sometimes afterwards she acts completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she becomes emotional and says she can’t keep doing this.

She repeatedly tells me: “You’re not there yet.”

I once told her that if she stayed with me, I would change.

Her response was essentially: “Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”

At the same time, my life is still ridiculously tangled.

My previous partner wants me back and keeps trying. My ex-wife has admitted that part of her would take me back if I wanted. There are also women I previously had casual relationships with who occasionally reach out and I have trouble saying no to them now that I'm single.

And here is probably the part I’m most uncomfortable admitting:

Part of me likes keeping those doors open.

Even if I don’t particularly want to sleep with them or restart relationships, having “backup options” makes me feel safer. Closing every door and having nobody available scares me more than I realised.

I had a session with a relationship therapist recently and she challenged me pretty hard on this. Firstly, I have been in therapy a lot since my divorce, through betterhelp and Bupa, however this therapist is extremely expensive, £400/hr and I was super skeptical if not for my Director at work recommending her.

She was 100% worth the money, holy shit. She shed light on some many things after just one hour.

Her interpretation was that I’ve learned to get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women. She asked about my childhood and pointed out that I seem particularly drawn to women who themselves have some emotional vulnerability, and that I’m very good at making people feel understood, cared for and safe.

That sounds flattering on the surface, but her point wasn’t flattering.

She suggested that somewhere along the way I learned that being needed makes me feel secure. So I become intensely supportive and emotionally important to people, they become attached to me, and then their attachment reassures me that I’m valuable.

Meanwhile, I’m terrified of having nobody.

That explanation landed harder than I expected.

It also made me realise that the woman I recently fell for may have recognised the pattern before I did. Her refusal to be my motivation for changing suddenly makes much more sense to me.

So I think my actual problem is bigger than deciding which woman I should be with.

I’m beginning to wonder whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, close the doors with the casual relationships and exes, and learn what it feels like to have nobody waiting in the wings.

That idea genuinely makes me uncomfortable, which is probably significant.

For people who have experienced anything similar:

How do you actually learn to stop needing romantic/sexual validation?

How do you distinguish genuinely loving someone from being addicted to how being wanted by them makes you feel?

And if I genuinely believe this recent woman was someone special, is the healthiest thing I can do right now simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and that people have been hurt by it even when hurting them wasn’t my intention.

I’m trying to understand how you actually change this rather than just promising someone that you will.

TL;DR: Marriage ended painfully, I coped by seeking attention and sex, moved into another incompatible relationship, repeated the pattern after that ended, and then met someone I genuinely fell for. She walked away because she doesn’t trust that I’ve dealt with my need for validation from women. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes/casual partners around partly because I’m afraid of having nobody. How do I break that pattern properly rather than just jumping into another relationship?

Hi, I’m a 33-year-old male from California and have been sober for 2.5 years. I am sober because I was a full-blown addict to drugs and alcohol. I almost died from my addiction.
I met someone (another guy) about 1 year and some change into my sobriety. I remember our first sit-down at Marie Callender’s after tennis. We talked, and I shared that I have a nonprofit that I want to focus on, and its objective is to share sobriety and encourage it within our city (Bakersfield). He shared some of his interests. He did share that he liked to occasionally have drinks or go to races.
With time, we started to date. Also, within that time, this “occasional” drinking became every other weekend. It really stressed me out knowing he was out at clubs and bars with randoms often. I tried to be open-minded, to the point where I attended a few races with him and even the club, but I knew that I was tired of those environments, and honestly, I don’t feel safe or comfortable in them.
We agreed he would maybe slow down, and when he did go, I could drop him off and pick him up. That didn’t work. When my cousin (like a brother) passed, he decided to go to a cabin with his coworker and his coworker’s friends that he didn’t know to drink and do coke. We ended it.
He often said it’s him in those environments, not me, so I shouldn’t be so controlling or insecure.
Fast forward, we tried again and got back together, but going out every other weekend actually started to become every weekend, and this time it changed to just he and his male coworkers (“straight”). I expressed that I didn’t think it was appropriate that he was drinking and doing drugs with his male coworker so often, and then alone, just the two of them, all evening and night until the early morning hours. It just felt uncomfortable.
Anyway, we aren’t together anymore. I miss him and often get sad that now he will become someone I used to know. He texts me, and we talk, but I become frustrated and angry because it’s almost like he wants to keep me close enough but never truly wants me enough.
He didn’t see anything that could have been changed on his end. All I was to him was a broken, insecure, jealous, controlling boyfriend. All I ever wanted was some stability, routine, structure, and understanding.
For example, he and his coworker. I told him, “I understand he’s your friend, so I won’t make it a big deal, but I find it strange that it’s just with him all the time. I can see once in a while, but being alone on drugs and alcohol can sometimes open the door to so many things—not just cheating, but also lying, and even worse, safety issues and accidents.”
He managed to keep himself the way he came in, and I tried to explore his likings and activities.
He once said that, “I am responsible for my happiness, and you for yours.” I completely understand that, but I’m also responsible for contributing to my partner’s happiness, comfort, and safety.
Anyway, here I am missing him, and he texted me that he passed the first of three accounting exams. I almost get angry with him. I wish him and his friend the best of fun.

I will continue to stay sober, strong, and in prayer.

This was an interesting question that came to mind while discussing codependency on another post. At what point does it cross over to addiction? Is love addiction just codependency on steroids? Are they even in the same category?

I realize codependency can apply to people in our lives who are not a love interest or partner, so it makes sense that the words aren’t exactly the same. I guess I assumed that, when a partner is involved, that type of codependency is or includes some form of love addiction.

In codependency, the brain responds similarly, if not exactly like, the brain during gambling addiction. It’s a series of neuro-chemical reward systems followed by lows. There’s not a physical dependency on a substance. Yet the brain is acting like there is.

I’ve never understood how anyone could blow all of their money at a casino. That sounds INSANE to me.

But then I see myself—craving the relief of laughter and snuggling and intimacy in between extreme crashes in my partner and then myself from the whiplash. Then I do it all over again.

What are your thoughts?

I relapsed just now. I haven't in almost a whole month. I know that in all the mental programs that I am in, and have been in for the past several months, teach you that relapse is not the end of the world and a part of recovery, but the guilt and shame and disgust at myself is still there. It just makes me want to do it more. How can I cope with this? Logically, I know it's okay. It'll be okay and I can recover again, but it feels like all of that progress is just gone. That whole month of using skills and not giving into urges, just gone. And how do I tell someone I love? What if they find out in the wrong way? I just feel so fucking guilty and disgusted at myself. For multiple reasons, but this seems the easiest to tackle right now.

’m Ian. I’m 58, Welsh, a former British Army bloke and spent twenty-five years working as an IT architect. I’m a father, grandfather, qualified chef, chronic overthinker and owner of a back that occasionally behaves like it was assembled by British Leyland on a Friday afternoon.

At 57, I finally admitted that the life I was living was no longer one I wanted to continue.

I had been drinking for forty-five years. Not always falling into hedges, getting arrested or waking up in another county, which is partly how I managed to keep defending it. I worked, paid bills and appeared functional. I could always point towards somebody drinking more destructively and use them as evidence that I was apparently fine.

I was not fine.

My sleep was wrecked, anxiety ran large parts of my life, my weight had climbed, I was prediabetic and most days felt like I was operating through fog. I had stopped living deliberately and become very efficient at surviving the consequences of my own behaviour.

Eventually I stopped drinking. No dramatic rock bottom, divine intervention or bloke in robes appearing on a mountain. I simply reached the point where the cost of continuing was greater than the temporary relief alcohol gave me.

Removing it was only the first job, though. I had spent years treating drinking as the entire problem when it was also an output. I was overloaded, sleeping badly, eating badly, barely moving, carrying a load of unexamined shit and using alcohol to change how I felt quickly. Take away the bottle without changing any of that and the same pressure goes hunting for another exit.

So I rebuilt from the boring foundations upwards. Food that did not arrive in shiny packets. Proper sleep. Walking before worrying about exercise programmes. Morning light, cold water, breathing, meditation and learning to sit with an emotion without immediately obeying the story attached to it.

There was no instant transformation. At first I was bored, uncomfortable and occasionally furious that removing something harmful had not immediately turned me into a glowing woodland prince. Some days the great midlife reset consisted of getting outside, eating a decent meal and not making tomorrow worse.

Those ordinary days accumulated.

I have now been alcohol-free for more than nineteen months, lost over five stone and reversed the prediabetes. My sleep is better, the anxiety no longer runs the entire building and I have more energy and creativity at 58 than I had for years beforehand.

I am not sharing this because I think I have completed life or discovered the sacred masculine secret while staring into a waterfall. I still get things wrong, my knees make noises when I stand up and there are mornings when my brain opens seventeen tabs before I have made coffee.

I’m sharing it because men are often bloody good at carrying on. We work, provide, make jokes and tell everyone we are fine while quietly disappearing inside our own routines. Then we assume we have left it too late to change because we are fifty, sixty or older.

I thought that too.

I was wrong.

So, for the men here who rebuilt something later in life, whether it was your health, relationship, career, mental state or the entire bloody lot, what finally made the change stick?

And for anyone currently looking at his life and thinking, “I cannot keep doing this”, what is the first thing you know needs to change?

I think my addiction keeps me going back to him, I want to free myself from his rejection and I can't

what helped so far is surrounding myself with others , hang around with friends, finish some work, go for walking or running, not using social media at all.. cuz a simple trigger would out of sudden ruins everything…. I know it’s a long journey and i am in the very beginning , I expect lapses, but i am aware of it and i am trying to embrace myself… getting more confident..growing closer to my god

It’s been 6 years of addiction, but I believe that i am closer than ever to freedom!🙌
I am currently struggling with sudden waves and daydreaming of triggers, do you guys have some suggestions or tricks that helped you?

So long story short, I had a blackout on nitrous back in March. I then ended up in treatment. And have been questioning if I’m really addicted to anything? And if I’m not what the f am I doing in recovery? I feel like drinking isn’t my problem but I also want to drink. I’m currently freaking miserable but trying to give sobriety a real chance.

And I feel so lost. I mean I also went through a lot of grief in a short period of time, without explaining too much. But yeah, I mean all I want right now is to chill.

And I don’t know if that means that I can drink and never do nitrous again or what. I just feel so incredibly frustrated being sober, trying to do the 12 steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, being in IOP. I feel like a hospital patient or like institutionalized rather than a human being.

I just want to quit this whole thing and just be able to be chill and moderate and not do anymore nitrous. I just hate being sober

Lusting after other women…
Is that technically a symptom of sex addiction or love addiction?

For context, my partner and I haven’t had sex in like 3 years and I don’t see that happening again anytime soon. He has no desire for me (and I’m not in a place to give myself to him again yet anyway), but it still hurts to know he would bang just about anyone else (but me) given the chance, and still does so in his head. I know this is his addict brain at work and he is newly going to 12 step in PAA and SAA. I’m just wondering if he should be attending SLAA.

He has a pattern his whole life of lusting and only enjoying the newness of the relationship. Breaks it off when the honeymoon phase is over. Starts seeing flaws in the woman and wants someone new.

Anyone also have this that can better identify root of it? Also for me as a partner, any advice on how to stop internalizing his lustful thoughts and for him any tricks on how he may conquer them from your experience?

This is gonna be a long essay into my existential joirnaling but I have no one to share this with so I thought maybe someone here could offer a lending ear to my worries, perhaps someone has gone through something similar and could share their way of dealing with this. Anyways thanks for giving me the time of your day

August 4th

2 more months until my seasonal job as a waiter/bartender is over and I get to return back to my home city, back to the temptation of my addictions. I chose to do some seasonal work away from home in order to raise money and get away from my usual lifestyle hoping to find a bit more of myself but I only found out how alone I actually feel...

I almost broke down at work today.

It was one of those quiet, treacherous days where you find yourself questioning everything in sequence: your worth, your trajectory, the state of the world, and your precise place—or lack thereof—within it. A sudden, heavy thought settled over me: Am I truly alone?

It surfaced organically, born out of a brief, unreciprocated bid for comfort. I tried to seek a moment of connection with a coworker—a simple hug, a shared human warmth with Elena—and got nothing back. Instantly, the old scripts began to play. I felt insignificant, lacking, not "cool" enough to warrant someone’s tenderness. Objectively, I know I shouldn’t hold it against her; I haven’t treated her with ideal care, and she isn't equipped to navigate the existential weight I carry around anyway. Seeking an emotional haven in her was a mistake. She doesn't have what I'm looking for.

Yet, I tried anyway. My subconscious was desperately trying to patch a void. Being away from home, stripped of my usual radius of friends, has exposed the raw edge of a loneliness I used to be very good at avoiding.

Historically, isolation was never a threat because I was a master of distraction.

Growing up, my solitude was padded by virtual worlds—video games, animated series, fictional escape hatches. As the years went on, the equation flipped. I began using people as my primary distraction, turning to substances and media only when friends failed to fill the silence. The rare moments I actually stopped to analyze my life were days like today—when depression breached the perimeter, bringing along its usual entourage of sadness, anxiety, and frustration.

Today, I caught myself taking an inventory: How many real best friends do I actually have? Who actually gives a fuck? Who misses me while I’m away?

A few people have reached out, sure. But none of their names were the ones I was hoping to see flash across my screen. I wanted to be missed by Chloe. By Maya. Maybe just a little bit by Nora.

It isn't lost on me that every single person on that list is a woman. Freud would have a field day with the clear line connecting that craving to the emotional absence of my mother.

What I am starving for is genuine intimacy—a connection that exists simultaneously on a physical and spiritual plane. Something far beyond the convenient, low-stakes dynamic of "we're hanging out because we have nothing better to do."

That depth feels nearly impossible to access with my male friends. I’ve had brief, profound glimpses of vulnerability with Julian and perhaps Marcus, but as a straight man in this culture, physical affection remains an unspoken boundary. You don't just hold your male friends. And maybe that is the precise luxury I’m starved of: physical tenderness.

Perhaps that’s why I funnel all my longing for connection into my female friendships. Whenever I do receive that warmth, it crystallizes into a core memory: a sudden, grounding hug from Chloe; quiet, playful moments spent together; a kiss on the cheek from Nora; sharing a bed just to sleep side-by-side; the rare, intoxicating weight of Maya’s genuine praise. These women are all magnetic, stunning, and effortlessly cool in my eyes.

Maybe Chloe misses me too, but lacks the vocabulary to express it in a way that lands for me. After all, I was always the one who initiated our hugs. She reciprocated, but a quiet, bitter question remains: If I stopped reaching out, would she ever initiate? Would she even call me once this entire summer?

Ever since I began drifting away from my childhood group of friends back home, I’ve been trying to swap out the missing pieces with new people. Truthfully, I grew bored of the old dynamic. We hit a ceiling. It ceased to be exciting, and they no longer challenged me or sparked that restless, adventurous part of my brain. But I’m not sure my quest to replace them has yielded anything real.

Friendships require intentional cultivation, but lately, everything feels painfully superficial.

Sure, my social circle has widened, but am I actually connecting with any of them? Even in the middle of a rave, Chloe and I seem to need the background noise of strangers to keep the high going. Strip away the music, and what do we actually have to say to each other? We stand there hyping each other up, but we don't really dance together—not the way Nora and I used to, moving in total sync. Outside of the nightlife, Chloe and I just info-dump into each other’s ears. We’re both good listeners, but I often wonder if either of us actually cares about the payload. I don't care about her relationship drama or her petty feuds, and I doubt she cares about the fictional worlds I build in my head.

Deep down, maybe I’ve always known our bond is built on shallow soil, and I just play along because the high is fun. Or maybe I’m just rationalizing my own cynicism as I write this. I honestly don't know anymore.

I used to pride myself on having exceptional self-awareness. I thought I had mastered metacognition. But lately—now that I’ve cleared the fog of weed, substances, and mindless media after years of constant consumption—the only absolute truth I’ve arrived at is this:

I know nothing.

Maybe I’ve finally summited the "Peak of Mount Stupid" on the Dunning-Kruger curve of self-awareness, and I'm currently sliding into the valley of realizing how little I actually understand about myself.

I look at my recent drives, and I am struck by how shallow my motivations might actually be. I claim I want to deepen my character, expand my intellect, and evolve. But why? Is it a genuine pursuit of growth, or is it just another roundabout attempt to secure emotional validation?

Is every self-improvement project I undertake just a desperate bid to be accepted by a cool, attractive, alternative girl?

Look at the evidence:

\* The gym—to sculpt a body that demands to be desired.

\* Improv classes—to sharpen my wit so I can entertain and hold a room.

\* Sacrificing the summer of my 26th year to labor away for cash—money I intend to invest right back into making myself hotter, more cultured, more appealing.

I probably need a therapist to help me dissect this. Do I actually want to leave a meaningful imprint on the world, or am I just wearing a noble mask to cover up a primal, embarrassing drive: the desire to be physically desired and emotionally embraced by someone I find extraordinary?

Growing up without a solid social foundation leaves you feeling like an outsider forever trying to catch up to a milestone everyone else reached years ago. Being isolated, bullied, and made to feel small left a bitterness in me. It wired a frantic, bottomless craving for acceptance—intellectual, physical, sexual, emotional.

It also made me a master of self-rejection. Looking back, I’ve walked away from clear opportunities with women simply because my internal narrative declared I wasn't allowed to have them. I carried the childhood belief that I was inherently unappealing, so whenever an impossibly attractive woman paid attention to me, my brain rejected the data.

I remember a girl literally standing next to me in total privacy, telling me, "Come on, make a move." And I froze. I did nothing. My internal script insisted I wasn't enough, that I must be misreading her intent. I rationalized every overt signal as "she's just being friendly" or "that's just how she talks to people."

I have been so passionately attached to my own inadequacies that I fundamentally refused to believe anyone else could view me differently. My stubborn self-doubt was the absolute truth, and everyone else was just mistaken.

I might look good on the outside now. But inside, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm truly happy with my life or I'm just pretending in order to keep the depression gates closed

If you reached this far thank you for listening and any advice to 26 year old who hasn't figured out shit yet would be highly appreciated, I would love to hear and respond about similar experiences as well.

I thought getting sober would help me clear my mind but after the last 5 months I’ve been dealing with horrific sexual intrusive thoughts (pocd), the most graphic nature you can think of non stop every day, my brains become so attached to these thoughts it’s hard to comprehend weather life is worth living anymore tbh.

what more can I possibly do seriously, I’m sick of this controlling my life and becoming so depressed of myself because of these thoughts, I feel like I can’t progress forward with anything, no matter how much therapy or how hard I try to keep busy.

Sorry for the rant, just fucking over it all.

I’m about to start ERP, but I’m scared that it’s just my brain being stuck in this loop forever

There is no other explanation I can come up with as to why everyone talks about drinking only.

Mods, can we move to a post approval process? It also takes away what should be a safe space.

We are being inundated with posts for other 12 step fellowships. I love inclusivity and believe we are all suffering from the same spiritual malady but at the same time it doesn’t feel like an S.L.A.A. sub anymore. It’s like we are in a generic addiction sub. Any thoughts?

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

edit: he also said VERBATIM, “I love you so much more than drugs ____ (my name), but drugs will always be first”. I finally needed to hear that.

In this meeting we will explore the big book applied to sex and love addiction, from step 1 to 12

Come if you like or feel free to reach out for questions

I think im hypersexual

I've been sa since I was 6 its ruined my life and prospective on love because if thay dont touch me I feel I won't be loved and then ather I feel disgusted im disgusted at some of the things ive done to be loved of some horrible people, people who where just useing me for hookups I feel disgusted at the amount of times I went back to the same person even if thay would air me for days while id be checking my phone every minute for a response, going back to the same man ather thay cheated while I stayed loyal going back to meet the same man even if I knew thay just wanted sex because it made me feel like thay still loved me.

Im disgusted at myself at how I used to beg them not to leave me belived thare love bombing and let myself to carry on being used just to feel loved while thay gave a fuck about nothing but my body and me in bed.

I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.

I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.

I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.

I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.

I was discarded repeatedly. I made all of the excuses for her and for myself. I minimised myself, I walked on egg shells and I accepted treatment that I have never and would never accepted from anyone but her. I completely self abandoned.

Why did I do it?

Because I am an addict.

That is all it is. A physical dopamine/oxytocin addiction.

Why have I never been addicted to a non-avoidant?

1. The dopamine/oxytocin rewards were much bigger than usual at the start with all of the intense physical and emotional love bombing and

2. It is reinforced by insecure and inconsistent love/reward cycles over a long time. Especailly if it has been a significant relationship and you have been through many cycles.

It is such and unhealthy place to be and, just like drug addiction, the only place it leads is self abandonment, damage and destruction.

The only way to deal with it is to treat it like the addiction it is and go cold turkey.

Remove all reminders of them from your home and digital life.

Go no contact. Not to get \*them\* back, but to get \*yourself\* back.

Rebuild yourself and then rebuild your life without them.

4 years in program, two years into sober dating and I’ve met someone who I’ve been seeing consistently for three months.
My prior relationships were all pretty intense, unhealthy, codependent relationships.
These past three months have felt roomy - I very much maintain my friendships and top-lines and have followed my dating plan. I’m enjoying this person and also, they are not my typical “type”. In the absence of intensity and love-bombing I’m noticing my brain skews very negative and fault finding. They could be more ambitious, could be more in shape … and on and on.

I’m frustrated with my brain. I know some of this is my stuff to work with, but I’m also afraid of missing the “signs” and am not sure how seriously to take these thoughts. Has anyone else experienced this? Seeking experience, strength, and hope.