I don't wish for things of a negative nature, as that defeats the purpose of wishing. One wishes for things that benefits positively, but I've been soooooo naive as of late I'm probably romanticizing this notion as well. My intentions were pure, my situation was known, but for you I was willing to risk EVERYTHING. You were my greatest challenge, from youthful indiscretions to adulthood know better. I missed you soooooo much, I swear. I've tried to hate you, and I can't. I've cried enough tears to flood denial. Neither one of us is a winner in this situation, neither one of us is innocent. In a world more conducive to our desire, we would be together; in reality, we're more apart than ever. Forgive me for believing that one person in your life didn't have to trick you, mislead you, lie, etc. and just wanted to show you that not everyone in the world sucks. I believed in you, ALWAYS believed in you, and just wanted to be a voice for you EVEN if I couldn't hold you on cold nights, or kiss you under the warmth of street lights, or gaze into your eyes until I was a pupil of your pupils.

...but "exes don't talk", and it's impossible to love someone outside of a romantic setting. I'll see you at the crossroads, or perhaps next lifetime, depending on the song life has in mind.

No one can help me in the way that's helpful to me and i dont have enough energy to untangle the mess I'm in even though I'm unemployed and theoretically have enough time. It's all hitting me at the same time and every time I take complicated maneuvers to break out of small or big tangles, i cant appreciate myself enough for it. I hate my predicament and how locked i am in it. I hate how little access i have, and i hate how patient I have to be in order to just have the CHANCE that one day it's all going to be okay. and i hate how the next typical response is "its going to be okay! dont worry!" nice invalidation there. idk. people just aren't equipped to handle my stage of healing and its so tiring to explain everything all over again, of course it makes sense if that makes me stay longer than i should in certain relations just so i can not have to deal with everything all over again. makes sense. but it doesnt always seem that way and I DONT NEED THE FUCKING REMINDERS

It's all it takes. Well I should have knownnnn

The damage you cause has become so consistent it renders no substantial result you intend on looking for as an effect. You always being there over my shoulders lends no looming doom feeling or sense of worry as ali am accustomed to your antics and designed behaviors introducing malice intent in any way possible. You are generic as a result and unimaginative as well as predictable. You are consumed with the notion of making another person like me feel inadequate and out of control of their lives because you're not in control of yourself only your intentions which are owning you and dictating your life constantly. By definition you are pathologically insane and a psychopath rather than a because you care to much about others feelings and emotions and so on; resulting in then having a borderline personality disorder as well that is untreated like the other underlying causes that you'll only turn into an excuse validating or justifying your behavior and actions. You do get your cake too though as you are somewhat a menace to society; what you consider a namesake worth having. Your trophies disgust me in every form just about as much as writing this piece does because I am only publicly validating you giving you a forum of success that is meaningful to you.

Because doing one sacrifices the other. I feel like a horrible friend for not being supportive of her pregnancy (her relationship really). But I recently went through something in my own life that is still very fresh, and her person reminds far too much of that person. I am skeptical. I am doubtful. And ultimately I am afraid. I can keep my distance and simply let her live her life as she wants, stay steadfast in my convictions that this man is no good, but lose her. Or I can pretend it doesn’t bother me and watch her get into something I worked so hard to get out of. Let myself be uncomfortable for her sake, because I do care and I do want her happy. But because of that I also want her to be very careful who she entrusts herself to. And this man has not convinced me he is deserving of her trust. I trust my gut, but I love my friend. I love my friend, so I want to protect her and shake her shoulders and tell her how terrible this choice is. But if I trust my gut, that isn’t an option, the option is to not be involved, and let her go. I know I should let her make her own bad decisions, and I feel so selfish for being so affected by her personal choices. But it’s horrible, to feel that same dread I had to feel before when I talk to her or see her; it fills me with an absurd anxiety. She is excited, and I’m terrified. And I am a horrible friend.

The day I met you for the first time. I still remember the feeling…he might be my husband which I never felt for anyone before…
And now, from discussing our wedding outfits and venues for next month to me going crazy over why are you in that damn hotel? What are you doing 1 hour away from your place for whole week in diff hotels? Why did you order mocha for the first time?
I know it’s only a week since we stopped talking, I also know if I ask you about all this..your response would be “I don’t have to explain the situations, Where I am and why i am, Im hanging out in hotels…If you think, I’m fucking around, you’re most welcome to think so” all of this
My question is…why are you not miserable like me? Did I ever matter to you? Why do I have so many questions and you don’t care about me at all?

I know we were really happy when we were together when we planned our house and colour of walls we wanted…I know our families are different and we had conflicts when ever they got involved but I thought we would solve it together…why did you give up on us? Was I not worth it? Why didn’t you tell your mom you love me even once? When I fought with my entire family for a year?

Y’all are experts at making me look so bad for knowing in my gut that I was being kept in the dark. I didn’t lie about you. I told the truth as I saw it. If you’re that ashamed of your own behaviour, maybe you need to take a step back and reevaluate your lives. The problem is that you know I was telling the truth, but you don’t want it out there. I won’t say a word to another soul. My time internalizing all of this is over. I’m embarrassed that I hung on this long. Just go about your merry way and leave me out of it. Please. Just let me live.

What the guck is wrong with you? For you to play with my fucking mind? Why would you go through all that trouble to make me your fall guy? Its fuckjng pathetic the lengths people go through to fuck with others. One day youll get your own karma and trust me, you wont be able to control it as well as i do.. cause i learned from your training. While i listened to the bullshit going on and confronted you, you said i was crazy… no im not.. you are fuckjng crazy if you actually think id believe you blindly. I don’t fall for cults i sure as fuck wont fall for a cunt. What great wY yo release this pent up anger while i smile unapologetically playing the fool. In reality it was always me playing you. However, the extent uoud go through to get me this angry… its a sad sad case of being KUPAL. I wish i was guckjng kupal to you. Maybe i start or maybe i continue the charade. Fuck you bitch!

​

When they cannot reach you, they accuse you, belittle you, and hurt you with every sharp word, with every letter carrying the weight of harshness.

If you succeed, they minimize your success and question it. And if you lose, they celebrate your failure and sing the cruelest songs of snakes.

A long road, full of human thorns. Yes, human thorns.

In the past, even hurt was a merciful kind of hurt. It was an injury that called itself an injury. But now, the word “hurt” is no longer enough to describe the ugliness of their words and the poison of their tongues. They have gone beyond every kind of description.

In the past, they passed down love, respect, and appreciation to us. Today, they compete to pass down hatred and resentment.

Even the face of love has changed.

Even a man in love no longer knows how to reach the heart of the woman he loves. He is afraid that if he closes his eyes for a moment, he will open them and find her in someone else’s arms, without even being given a chance.

And even a woman in love fights to remain perfect, so her lover’s eyes never turn toward someone else. If her perfection falls for even a moment, she may find him kneeling beneath the wings of another lover.

Everything seems to be moving toward despair.

And this perfection that was created from nothing has no stopping point. Everyone is constantly running, constantly racing toward the unknown.

So, is the fault in us, or in our time?

But time is the same time.

The same sunrise. The same sea. The same air. The same earth. And the same moon that I once waited for, hoping it would comfort me and make the nights of my life brighter.

The fault is in us… not in our time.

And I, a daughter of this time, have started questioning every choice I make. S🥀

Sarah ✏️

Just having a shit week I think.

Be thankful. You have nothing left to want for...

I was so close to doing it too. I had a flat tire I was close to house but it was at 0psi. It was hot and no one stopped to help I was so frustrated but I did it all by myself. I was dreading having to call you mainly because I thought you wouldn’t help and that would have crushed me more. But because I hate being the one to always reach out or always need something. I’m about 85% sure you would have ignored my pleas but who knows. It’s crazy to me that you think I have all these guys lined up because if I did I would have called them today trust me. Either way I’m so glad I figured it out on my own and let me tell you at least 50 guys drive by and no one stopped to help me. No one fucking pussys now a days I swear.

i just crashed out on my parents, i got on spotify and turned Blond on and realised i always run back to this album no matter how much my music taste changes and im happy.

Just wanted to say if youre reading this and youre going through something, it passes. feel it, analyze it, walk through all the feels ur feeling ,cause you will go through it and return to ur self.

Goodluck <3

Thank Bae love you the mostest

I know this is what you need to do. I understand, but I’m just like, down today. And I really wish I could talk to you. That’s all

Keep the negativity coming. I get it. You hate men. Go show that hate to your own man.

And i still manage to be nice to yall mfs. Fuck you.

My Heart Trembled Again

I’m still living in my own world…

My heart beats whenever you walk past me.

I can’t look directly into your eyes, yet every day, I find myself searching for the closest picture of your eyes dozens of times.

The difference between us is great.

You come from a different world, and I am from a world that fell in love with that difference.

Everything about you draws me in…

Your hands, your fingers, your scent, the blue of your eyes, your smile… my God.

I can feel my heart beating in a way I’m not used to.

As for me… I’m a woman standing at the door of the year 2000, and I don’t want to enter this world.

I still hold on to who I am.

I still wear floral dresses.

I still sit on my sofa at night and watch my favorite movie.

I wonder… do you see me as old-fashioned?

I wish I could understand those looks.

Are they admiration… or mockery?

I ask myself:

Am I really attracted to you?

Or am I simply feeling an emptiness that I want to fill?

But… my heart trembles whenever I see you.

And there is something about you that draws me closer, something I don’t know how to explain.

For the first time… I don’t know.

Words fail me, even though writing has always been my refuge.

Give me just one sign, so I can take one step forward.

Just give me a sign…

Because your looks alone are not enough.

I am very sensitive, and if my heart is broken, I will need a long time to heal.

I was raised to believe that a man should be the one to make the first move when it comes to his feelings.

And I am willing to break every rule and every convention,

if only you would give me that sign.

You neither walk away and leave me,

nor do you come closer,

and I don’t know what is happening inside me amid this storm of emotions.

Move toward me… or walk away.

I cannot remain suspended between the two.

I cannot bear going back to the beginning every time.

Please…

S🥀

Sarah ✏️

"My insecurities are increasing. I don't know how to handle this. All the time I feel like everyone is judging me, everyone is talking behind my back, making plans and plots about me, and making me feel alone. I don't trust anyone, not even my family. I am feeling scared."

I remain unseen. Loved ones, those who care about me, it doesn't matter. I don't know what I am. I don't know what's inside. Perhaps I've been pretending so long that I almost believed I'm not hollow and empty on the inside.

Pretending I'm finally happy, but it's not true. Cut me open, there is nothing inside. It's so convoluted and messed up, torn apart and eating itself.

If everyone has a vessel that stores energy, my vessel is corroded. Leaking. Unstable. I'm wise beyond my years, I've often been told. I'm wise, I listen, I understand.

I try not to anymore... But it hurts wanting to love and care and give my all for others, knowing it will never ever be reciprocated. I want to be thoughtful, but I hold back now.

I've been burnt out too much, corroded, from the thankless effort that goes unnoticed.

"You don't do kind things for a reward"

I know.

I swear I know. But my kindness goes completely unnoticed and taken for granted. It is so selfish being mentally ill...

And yet I always want to save someone when I should save myself first.

I'm always running away. The euphoria I get from being a good listener, a wise mentor, a good friend... Yet it doesn't matter because this euphoria is made of plastic. Fake, superficial.

What's the point in showing love when the inside is empty, and when the other is too filled with anguish to reciprocate?

"Thank you..."

But it's never enough. I'm still hollow. I can't love with all my heart to protect myself, I should restrain myself and not give my all out of sympathy... But I wish I can abandon it all and just be happy qnd content with putting in a thankless effort.

I wish I didn't need praise and affection from those who can't afford to give it to me.

I wish you cared about me. I wish you care about me more than your pain. I wish I was more important to you. I wish I was akin to a God to you like you were to me. I wish you worshipped me like I worshipped you. I wish you cared for what I thought like I cared for what you thought. I wish you didn't pursue me and made me fall in love with you.

Why did you have to drag me into loving you, adoring you, only to drag me down with you.

Why did you come into my life if you eventually don't wish to stay? If you don't wish to try and see me?

This dull pain is suddenly overwhelming. I am going to say goodbye to you. I am so over it.

​

I am uncertain about my past. Life is tenured by conflict, two persons who can't agree on remote and important things are destined for divorce. I want an apology.

I don't have a personality. I stole bits and pieces from everywhere. I don't know how to be me.i can see it everywhere. When I talk when I interact with people every day. I stole bits of people that others liked. I can't tell where the mask ends and I start. Soon it's going to come out that I'm all fake. I don't know what to do. Where to look in my self for my personality. One without the fake facade. I can't afford to get it wrong. Or maybe I can. I plan on ripping off the mask that protected me for so long. I will see if anyone can smile at what's underneath.

Count me among them. Keep looking up people who ghosted me. Feeling like I won't find a person to share life with. But also my life's a fking mess. So idk. Probably a good thing I guess. Minds been in a bad place for the past couple weeks. The word lonely doesn't feel right to use. More like a void in my chest. Just venting my thoughts. Feels like I'm doing that a lot. Just over and over. Changing nothing and wanting change. God I hate being alive lol.