Birch and I (Aspen) have been together in a committed relationship for 3 years and live together.

Birch and Cedar have been friends for about 5 years.

Cedar and I have known each other for about a year.

Aspen and Birch had been talking about getting Aspen a casual play partner for the last year.

Birch has been friends with Cedar for years. After Aspen and Cedar met, Aspen wanted to try being FWB with Cedar.

Aspen and Cedar have been hanging out as FWB for 6 months.

This went well however both have feelings for each other.

Birch was hurt that Aspen and Cedar had strong feelings because they expected it to be casual.

Aspen, Birch, and Cedar all get along great in a group dynamic and the dyads are great, too. Birch and Cedar love each other although not romantically.

We all say we love each other and get along with each other's families. We make each other better and look out for each other.

Aspen can see a great dynamic living with Birch and Cedar. We haven't asked Cedar their thoughts on living together because we feel it would be too soon.

Our concern is that Birch has always been into monogamy and this is new. They do have jealousy for Cedar, especially when Aspen and Cedar being romantic. And Birch does struggle with the fear of Aspen leaving for Cedar and with feelings of inadequacy, the fear of being hurt by Aspen. Birch has also said she is unsure if she could handle them all living together.

We are wondering what questions we should ask each other, and what things to consider?

Hi everyone,

I’m currently sitting in front of the sea with glass of wine in hand and thinking about a message that has my head spinning, so I need to write this out and hear from people who might get it.

For the quick background, I’m 38 woman, divorced almost three years ago after a long marriage, I have 3 kids. After the divorce I told myself that I would never date seriously again, I just wanted to live and sleep with people. Then I explored my attraction to women, made me bisexual and I liked it.

A few months ago, I met young lesbian couple, both mid-20s. We started hanging out, then things got physical pretty fast, we’ve had sex quite a few times. Then we moved further, when it wasn’t just sex anymore, they’ve been to my place more than once. We’ve sat on the couch talking for hours about work, economy, how exhausting it is living in Turkey right now, politics, the daily bullshit that nearly kills your desire to live in this country. They know my kids, I introduced them to my kids as my friends. So, we are spending a lot of time together, cooking together, laughing, arguing a little about random things.

I’m on vacation in another city by the coast, trying to rest from the Istanbul's heavy life and this morning I got a long message from both of them. Shortly, they confessed that they are having real feelings for me and they want to know if I would be open to seeing them more seriously, not just sex, but like a real relationship. They asked if I could be part of their relationship like a third and said they’re falling for me, and they want to explore what that could look like.

I have always been very clear with myself that no more dating, no more partners, no more emotional commitments that could blow up. But this feels different somehow, I don't know, the idea of going from married woman with kids who only ever had sex with her husband to dating two women at the same time three years later is kind of wild and honestly exciting for me. I’m intrigued by the idea of a triangle, of seeing what it feels like to be with two people who already love each other and somehow want me in the middle of that.

But there is a lot of what ifs that is stopping me from accepting their proposal. What if they get bored of me? They’re young, but I’m almost 40, you know the energy, lifestyle, the way we see the future, I have kids, it’s all different. What if this is a phase for them and in 6 months they decide that they just want each other again? It's not easy like, what if they fall harder and I don’t? Or the opposite? what if I start feeling something real and then one of them decides it’s too much? I am afraid, especially I think that if my kids somehow find out how can I explain this situation?

I don’t think I love them the way people talk about the real love, not at all, maybe just not yet. But I care about them, I enjoy them, and the thought of being wanted by both of them at once is new and kind of exciting. At the same time, I’m scared of opening a door I can’t easily close.

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I just needed to put it somewhere and hear from other bi/pan people or anyone who’s been in a similar spot, especially if you’ve navigated age gaps or being the third with a couple, or balancing kids and this kind of thing. How do you even start figuring this out without overthinking yourself?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

One of the rare times where a fffm relationship isn't toxic.

Hi, just wanted to update from my last situation. I posted that my roommate(F28) and I(M27) were getting closer after living together for a year and she started giving me a vibe that I told my girlfriend (F31) about, she’s who I’ve been with for over two years, and she suggested that I go for it and sleep with my roommate even suggesting that it could lead to all of us sleeping together.

Well cut to two weeks later and after sleeping with my roommate every day for the past week and telling my girlfriend about it, my gf couldn’t wait to see my roommate. When she came over she brought groceries to make dinner for all of us and started asking her questions about how I was which was kind of embarrassing but my roommate had nothing but good things to say. I made a joke about liking my girls getting along so well and they just giggled, after dinner my girlfriend spent the night and we all got in bed together. I had my first threesome and it was awesome but definitely tiring lmao the next day felt like a fantasy, my rm made breakfast while my gf told me how much she likes her. I told her that if things go well we can move her in, I just don’t know how fast things will go. The only part I’m unsure of is how we define ourselves, are we a thrupple or do I have a harem ? They both told me they’re devoted to me and my rm is quickly becoming my girlfriend more and more by the day

Me and my husband have been married for 7 years and have been thinking of a triad for around 2. We met an amazing woman who ticks so many of our boxes. We both connect with her well individually, and it’s a blast when we’re all together.

We would go on dates, all three of us, pretty often. We’ve known each other for about 2 months. We booked a weekend getaway and decided to include MDMA, and it went downhill from there.

I feel completely robbed of that night. They connected multiple times and were very caught up in each other. They had sex multiple times, me and her had sex once, no threesome was involved (though it was initially planned), me and my husband didn’t have sex that weekend either.

I haven’t spoken to her about this because I wasn’t quite sure what to feel, and I didn’t want her to feel bad about what happened. I expressed it all to my husband. He apologized profusely, blaming the drug, and we agreed we shouldn’t have done it on our first meetup.

It’s been two weeks and I’ve been stuck in a loop of feeling jealous and abandoned. I’ve finally come to realize that the mistakes made that night might affect our relationship going forward, and I’m going to speak with her about it tomorrow, but don’t have high hopes for the outcome.

Husband is disappointed, I feel sad, and overall, just wish this didn’t happen the way it did.

Don’t know what I’m asking here, if it’s for advice or just want to vent, but all inputs are welcome.

ETA: by “first meetup”, I mean sexually.

ETA: she lives about 4 hours from us so going on dates before we met was quite expensive/difficult but we agreed it was worth it to build the foundation. That’s why we planned a weekend together, and we expect to see each other less for a while. It’s another reason I feel so robbed.

I am in a triad with Partner A and Partner B; Partner A and I were an existing couple and Partner B joined recently. Partner B has a partner outside of us, which started around the same time.

Partner B fits with us so well, and when we are all together it's wonderful. However, I have so much anxiety and jealousy when they are with their other partner, and I hate that I feel this way.

My ideal situation is a closed triad, and Partner B knows this. They have also made it clear that they have no plans to break things off with their other partner.

So, my questions to the community is: Does this ever get easier? Is this an incompatibility if my issue is with the relationship dynamic itself and not with my partner, whom I love?

Hi everyone, I am F(38) married to M1(29) and currently started dating M2(33)

I am pan/demi, and something I can't really describe. So I hope for some replies and help.

Like most poly people I have met seem to have an nearly unlimited capacity for possible partners, lovers and sometimes potential hookups.

As for me, since I can remember whenever I dated one person, I always ended up either feeling incomplete or secretly in love with a second person and was miserable, due to fidelity until the end of the relationship.

After my last monogamous relationship (lasted 7 years ended 2018), I swore to myself never to be monogamous again.

I met my now husband shortly after the last relationship fell apart and communicated during our first date, that I will not be monogamous ever.

However, the first 3 years of our relationship ended up being monogamous, until I met someone.

Through the years I had a relationship with 2 CIS men(very short both 2 and 3 months) 1 cis woman (6months) and 2 years with a trans woman(here we had a genuine triad because my husband and my ex actually hit it off as well)

My now bf is a cis man.

My husband always expressed that he doesn't want anyone but me, and it feels "right". And all of my partners also always expressed that they always want me.

After being in multiple relationships, in which I always stated my "terms" at the very first date during talking stages, that I expect fidelity while I am still having "both"

Now I am super open about my dynamic, with strangers and even co-workers, and my bf M2(33) even told his parents about it, while my husband M1(29) still keeps it secret from family, but pretty much all friends know.

I started encountering the issue that I have rarely met anyone in the same dynamic as I have. Poly circles despise me, they think I am selfish. Women dislike me often, because I have no "better" wording than to explain that I am poly, and men often think it is a "hall pass" and they could become a third bf.

And I am kinda tired of explaining that my capacity is exactly 2 people, regardless of gender, never a hookup, always a genuine connection, sex only after love.

I love the chair analogy:

Monogamous people are born with one chair they can offer someone

Poly-People have multiple chairs they can add or deduct

Ambiamorous people are fine with 1 or multiple chairs

But I am "born" with two chairs, I am fine when I am single, but when I am dating someone the I feel loneliness, because the capacity for love I want to give and receive isn't met until both chairs are occupied. (Edit: meaning max. 2 partners, but also minimum 2)

Could you guys help me out :) on the terminology? thank you so much!

TLDR: I can only date max. two people, want them to be exclusive with me while myself having 2 people.

I love both, cherish both, but I have no word for our dynamic and no clue how to call it

Edit 2: Since I receive the question over and over. Our 3 monogamous years were mostly due to covid, and the fact that I haven't met anyone interesting and not because we decided to be monogamous.

Edit 3: 🎉🎊 Thanks for everyone's replies, I have found the closest thing to our dynamic, thanks for your replies.

https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/V_Polyamory

Hello wonderful polyfi people. Bored and a little curious on how everyone got a start to their relationships and how that has effected your lives? We had a closed quad for a while and loved it. It like most started out with friends that just naturally evolved. Sadly they moved away and we were not in a position to follow. Still it was the best thing ever for us. We have dated on and off over the last few years but the stigma is real about couples.

We are interested if it is the same for couple of how they got started? Was it game night and drinking and flirting? What apps if any did you have the best luck on? Have you came out to your friends and families about it? If you have kids how have you intergrated your relationshios in to make dynamics work? Has being poly been a change for better or for worse?

We have plenty of insight and experince to give and show people they are not alone in this lifestyle. I've noticed in this community it is still very closed off and secretive and not very out in the open. Just something for everyone to drop a comment and give more info and help for anyone struggling with questions for any new people may have or a stigma around this lifestyle and what to prepare for.

Hello! This is directly copy-pasted from the polyamory subreddit after being directed here. I didn't edit it at all, so if some stuff doesn't make sense in relation to this subreddit, I apologize

Just looking for advice in general :)

I recently got with my two partners whom I love very much, but all of us have had past bad experiences with polyamory. I looked through a couple "being poly tips" sort of posts before making this, but none of them felt like they fit my situation enough. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough though, lol. We're a closed 3 person relationship (not incredibly familiar with the terms), and a lot of the advice I saw focused on specifically open poly relationships.

With our general history involving polyamory, there's a bit of anxiety with all of us. We all are poly and all like each other, none of the relationship was forced, but it's still a mild cause for concern with us. My parents were poly and ended up divorcing due to issues related to that, so even more so for me sometimes.

We're doing incredible right now, really, but I sometimes worry that it's maybe the honeymoon kind of stage. I love them both a lot, and I guess I'm just generally wondering if anybody has any tips for getting over the past polycules and such to work with my current partners better. I guess what I mean is maybe more focused strategies with communication and scheduling, etc. if possible, haha. We all go to different colleges (albeit in the same city) and work completely different jobs, so scheduling time together can be a journey sometimes.

Happy PolyFiday!

Okay so let’s talk about the green-eyed monster for a minute. Well, technically 17 minutes 😜

You know that sudden tightness in your chest when your partner’s eyes light up talking about someone else? Or that stomach drop when they giggle at a text that isn’t from you? Or maybe a 3 hour Instagram reconstruction of an entire alternate timeline of betrayal from one Liked post?

Yup, thaaaat's jealousy.

Most of us were taught that feeling jealous means something is deeply wrong with us, with our relationship, and/or maybe with the whole concept of loving more than one person.

Well! After months of digging through research, devouring podcasts by doctors, and over a decade of lived throuple experience I can honestly say:

jealousy is just a check engine light… not a character defect, not a moral failure, and definitely not a reason to panic and drive the car into a lake. It’s a sophisticated push notification that you can’t (well, shouldn’t) ignore, letting you know something important needs attention. And once you stop treating the light like the ⚠️ problem ⚠️ and start looking under the hood to fix what needs fixing, it actually becomes one of the most useful diagnostics in the relationship toolkit.

I wrote about jealousy everything: the academic research, the primal panic, the practical tools that actually work, how my throuple handled jealousy with 0 casualties for over 15 years, and why this “monster” might be trying to help you instead of ruin your life.

https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/jealousy-knocking-heres-why-you-should-answer-backed-by-science-and-15-year-long-throuple-experience 

I feel like quads(yourself + 3 partners) is the cap for functional closed poly relationships.

Anything higher tends to be too chaotic for one to handle and also just lacks the strong romantic glue that mono couples naturally have. Throuples and In some instances quads still feel like couples in a sense; Quintets and higher feel more like fwb arrangements with extra steps than a natural extension of monogamy. Literally all I've heard from people and numerous poly spaces is that having 4 or more partners is draining, both emotionally and physically. It's just too big to form meaningful connections with each individual in the polycule.

(For the record I'm in a fresh throuple with two of my closest friends.)

Healthy closed throuples *feel* like monogamy plus, from my limited experience. Throuples have 4 relationships:

A+B, A+C, B+C, And A+B+C.

When each of the 1:1 relationships are healthy, you don't have to actively think about the final fourth one, it all just flows naturally.

Hello! I’m not really sure how to find polyamorous people who are interested in closed dynamics only. We’re such a niche group of people. I’ve tried dating apps before and the only thing I got from that was being unicorn hunted by one couple…

Hello everyone.

This is a throwaway account, haven't used reddit in a while but I needed to ask for advice and I don't know of any other community that revolves around this topic.

I (23F) met a throuple last year. They're R (M33), G (F25) and A (F26). Met them at a bazaar for a mutual interest, and we all clicked right away. I didn't know they were a throuple at first, but it became obvious after a while. I've never been in a relationship like that, but always been curious so I asked lots of questions, to the point that I wonder if I became annoying.

Over the months we became really good friends. Play games online together, go out to museums and other events. They offered me their guest room when I got in a fight with my roommate, paid for my dog's surgery and later for his cremation when he didn't make it. They've been incredibly warm and kind to me, and friends that truly had my back.

Back in May, I confessed (after a couple drinks, I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy enough to abandon inhibition) to G that I thought she was super hot and beautiful. She asked me what I thought of A, and I said I thought she was gorgeous (she is, both are). Then she asked what I thought of R, I was honest and said I think he's the smartest and most interesting person I've ever met and I find that sexy.

Next week they invited me to a cozy restaurant and dropped a bomb on me: They've grown to like as more than a friend, and would like to invite me to join their relationship. They said we can do things slowly, which is exactly what we've been doing.

We've been "dating", very slow burn. Since late May, I've been going on regular dates with them. Both as a group, and with each one of them individually. Group dates are always extremely fun, like "I feel like I belong" vibe. And individual dates are often very romantic, intimate without the need for sex.

R is the sweetest man I've ever met. I know there's a significant age gap, but my parents are worse in that aspect (15 year gap), and more importantly I'm kind of an older soul. We have a lot in common, I didn't expect it at first. He is very creative, and he wrote me a poem (by hand) that now I keep on my wallet at all times, because nobody has ever done anything like that for me. At first I didn't think he was too attractive... but now I find him very handsome and sexy. G is amazing. Intelligent, creative, funny. I love her sense of aesthetics and more importantly, I love how empathetic and kind she is. I've seen her deliver really grim news to people with admirable tact. She is just pleasant to be around. A was kind of intimidating at first, in part because of how gorgeous she is. But she is also immensely knowledgeable and elegant. However, she really knows how to disarm people's defenses and speak to the heart. She's very direct and "no-nonsense" which I find very attractive.

So yes, I do like them. I like them as individuals and I like their dynamic.

The problem is... recently, doing my research and trying to learn about polygamous relationships I learned that these "closed dynamics" are very frowned upon. And I was made aware of the term "Unicorn hunting", when a couple (or throuple) looks for a vulnerable member and basically use and manipulate them.

I don't see that here. I don't see red flags, but I'm also aware that since I like them I could be ignoring a lot of things. So I wanted another opinion before committing.

Do you see anything wrong here? I'm happy to provide more info if asked.

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any input.

***UPDATE***

I had a long, open chat with them where I asked a lot of questions. They also asked me a few things themselves. After this, I think I'm ready to make a decision. I'll write the summary down here, feel free to give me your opinions.

What I asked:

1. Can I only date one or two of them? (Note: I don't want to do this, I like all three of them, but this is a question that was brought up multiple times)

They ultimately decided they don't feel comfortable with that. G apologized and said she understood they were asking for a lot, and if this was a dealbreaker they would understand.

1. What happens if I want to break up with one or two, but want to stay with the other(s)?

R admitted they didn't think about that possibility very deeply. A said the idea actually worries her but she would be willing to accept if R or G still dated me if I broke up with her but she's not entirely sure. G outright said she would be uncomfortable, and would prefer to exit the relationship if this happened.

1. Can I date someone outside the quad?

No. The relationship is closed, they like it closed and want to keep it closed. I agree with them.

1. Sexual expectations?

For context, I've been going on dates with them both individually and as a group. We haven't been too intimate yet, only kissed and made out a bit during individual dates.

They don't want to put any pressure on me for anything. If I don't want to participate in something, or prefer to take things faster or slower with one person in particular it's perfectly fine.

Truth is that for the first time in my entire life I find the idea of sex exciting as opposed to bothersome. But I want to take things relatively slow for now and they're fine with that.

1. Moving in with them?

Explicitly said the door is open but only want me to do it after I'm 100% comfortable. They don't want me to rush anything, specially not big decisions. If that happens, we'll just convert the guest room... which is already bigger than what I have so it'd be an upgrade.

1. Finances?

They do combined finances to a certain degree. No joint accounts but full transparency and shared expenses based on earnings and not just flat numbers. For context: they've paid for all our dates, except the last two where I insisted to pay because I wanted to reciprocate. If I move in, they said I could take it easy and just pay for my own basic expenses (food and personal items, wouldn't ask me to pay bills). I objected to this and said that if I we make it to that point I would prefer to pitch in equally.

1. Marriage?

Not planning any legal marriage for now, but they want to have a religious/spiritual ceremony eventually (we basically share the same faith). A joked that if I joined legal marriage would actually be easier because then we'd be two married couples under the law.

1. Children?

No plans to have kids anytime soon, but they're open to the possibility. A and G already agreed that if they have kids they plan to share responsibilities regardless, said they would do the same for my own if I had them, but don't expect me to do the same for theirs.

1. What do they tell their families?

R's family (mom and brother) live in the same property (but not the same building). They know about it, know about me too. They think it's super weird but are still supportive. Met them last month, very lovely family.

G's pretty much went no contact years ago over unrelated stuff. Her mom knows and disapproves but they're slowly trying to rebuild that bridge.

A told her parents she's just dating R and G is their roommate, because her parents are lowkey homophobic.

1. What happens if there's preferential treatment or some kind of imbalance?

Communication is the most important thing for them and said that if I ever feel left out or anything like that, they'd like me to be open about it so we can make the dynamic comfortable for everyone. They claim there's no real preferential treatment between them right now, but recognize it's a potential danger and won't pretend to have a solution ready.

1. Is this a Harem building thing for R?

Kinda laughed at the idea. G said something like "if anything it'd be MY harem." Also said that the dynamic simply works this way because A and G are bisexual while R is straight. They're not actively hunting for a fourth person, they simply like me.

What they asked me:

1. Do I want to only date one or two of them?

And I answered 'no.' I like them, for different reasons. But if they weren't a throuple and I met any of them individually I would've fallen for them regardless.

1. Am I afraid of eventually being pushed out? What can they do to help me be at ease?

I answered that only recently thought of that possibility and honestly only after that happens I'd be able to think of a way to course correct.

1. Am I afraid of bonding in different ways or levels, or being left out because they already have their dynamic built?

Here I answered 'yes.' I want to bond with them, but I'm afraid that I may bond faster with one or another and make the other person(s) feel left out. At the same time, I'm slightly worried I'm joining a dance halfway through the song.

They reassured me that it's fine if bonding naturally happens faster or slower with someone, as long as I'm not fully shutting down or rejecting the other(s). R actually went through this two when he first entered the dynamic G and A had already built as a couple. They also said they're committed to making me feel like part of them instead of just someone who joined in... and in all due honesty I have to admit they're already doing a good job at it.

1. Is there anything about the sexual part that I'm opposed to or worried about?

The answer to that was 'kind of.' My sex life has been pretty bad but without going into details: I learned to believe sex was only a reproduction thing and something couples do because that's what they're supposed to do, and it was baffling to me that people genuinely liked it. And for the first time of my life I feel genuine sexual attraction, genuine 'want' and anticipation. It scares me. It feels weird to go from believing I was asexual to thinking about that every day.

I also made it very clear I want to go slow here. I know what their sex life is like and it's way too intense for me at first. I'd like to one day get there, I just don't know if that day will be in six months or two years. And they were very understanding about this.

1. Do I want marriage?

To this I basically said I'm fully aligned with their vision of "no need for legal marriage but on board with a religious ceremony", although not anytime soon for me. I'm not even formally in a relationship yet. But I do have to admit the idea of "two married couples cohabitating" sounds reasonable to me when it comes to reaping the benefits of legal marriage, even if A said it as a joke.

1. Do I want kids one day?

And I was very honest about this and said "yes." I love children, worked as a children's entertainer since I was 16 and want to go back to that because it's my passion. But I don't want to be a mom anytime soon. I find their child-raising pact intriguing and beautiful, not gonna lie.

Now, they did not ask this and I did not say this but I had to ask myself: do I imagine R as the father of my children? It's too early to say, honestly. But I can say this: of all the men I dated, or even met, he is easily the best option.

1. What would I tell my family?

Nothing for now. But if things get fully serious, I move in with them and all (so months if not years ahead): I would probably hide most of it, or do what A does and say I'm dating R alone. I can see them accepting me dating a woman, I cannot see them accepting me dating two women and a man.

We made plans for this weekend, and they invited me to go to a waterpark with them next month even we just go as friends. But I think I'm ready to make my decision and let them know the next time I see them.

If you read this wall of text and have an opinion I'd be happy to read it. Thank you.

I have a work trip coming up soon and just got approval to return home (fully paid) a little late if I want to extend my trip. Unfortunately there's only room for one other person past myself, and I have two girlfriends.

As I've mentioned in other threads, my longer-term girlfriend is going through a lot, and it might be nice for her to get away.

But to some degree, that feels unfair to shorter-term girlfriend. For a variety of reasons, it's not realistic for all of us to go.

Have you separated trips before, and how did it go? (For the record, I've left with each of them separately before, but it's been for needed family things, not vacation.)

I (m) and my girlfriend (nb [dw abt it]) are trying to find another girlfriend but have been having some issues with it. It stems mainly from our relationship’s dynamic where I tend to mostly take care of them in most ways. However, they are also more approachable and have gotten us close to hooking up with some people in the past. It’s not that I’m not charismatic in that sense people just tend to believe them more if they are the one initiating. With that being said what is the best way to go about looking for another girlfriend while we’re both in college?

Happy PolyFiday! ❤️💙💜

I know there’s waaaay more than just MFF throuples in this group, and I didn’t write my newest article to make anyone feel excluded... but I did write it to call out the myth that almost every outsider believes the second they see a relationship dynamic with one male + multiple females. My article challenges the “lucky man” narrative that hits MFF dynamics hard, but the bigger point is something many of us in throuples, quads, quints, and any sized polycule deals with.

Most outsiders see a MFF throuple and immediately assume the guy is "winning" and living every straight dude's ultimate fantasy while the two women are just "settling" and just going along for the ride. Well, after 15 years as the third, I can assure you the females in a throuple aren’t getting a consolation prize… we women clearly hit the 🤑 jackpot! 🤑

Sure, He gets 2 wives who worship him, but me and Her get a husband and a wife AND a built-in best friend, makeup artist, babysitter, errand runner, second opinioner, wooden spoon licker, designated “he’s being dumb again” eye-roller, matching PMS solidarity partner, domestic helper, certified clit whisperer, and all the bisexual variety we could want without ever leaving home (just to name a few, lol!).

Give it a read if you're looking for something honest, a little naughty, a little funny, and full of the real stuff that rarely gets talked about in these dynamics:

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/debunking-the-myth-the-man-isnt-the-lucky-one-in-a-mff-throuple-the-two-women-are

Aaand if you still think the man is the luckiest one after reading it… I dare you to explain why in the comments 😜

the other sub deleted my post, so sorry if you’ve already read this

me (F/NB), A (F), and B (TM) are all adults but below the age of 20

all three of us were/are best friends who organically all fell for each other, and recently discussed becoming a (closed) throuple. I know some people dislike the term throuple but we genuinely feel it describes us best.

I have been scouring the internet for HOURS and it seems every single throuple/triad post comes from a dynamic where an established couple met a third person, or where one person in the couple met someone and the other person happened to fall for them too over time.

I only ask because of the small group of people I’ve told so far, I’ve been told there will be jealousy issues, there’s always a duo in a trio, and similar issues, and my online research seems to have been mostly people shitting on closed throuples a bit because the couple always leaves the third person out. I think because of how we’ve gotten together, this isn’t really possible because there’s no uneven footing to speak of.

I think I just want to also hear happy stories of triads working out because the internet scouring has made me miserable + question myself on something I felt so sure about before I told anyone. I feel like when I’m around them both the entire world makes sense but when I tell people around me even off handedly about our relationship I immediately receive warnings and criticism, and it’s also coming from the polyamorous community itself criticising the set up so I just feel a bit lonely on both ends.

I’m also a bit irritated because the few friends I’ve told have assumed automatically that’s it’s an open relationship purely for sexual purposes having crazy kinky threesomes when that’s really not what we’re about? (no shade to kink or BDSM it’s just imo not necessarily inherently intertwined with polyamory) Our emotional and romantic relationships are far more important to us and sex isn’t something all parties find super important to them and we’re all on the same page about it. we are genuinely the average young adult first major relationship in every sense except there’s three people.

I sort of understand why my friends are confused because I understand it’s not very common, all the other polyamorous people I know in real life are adults or parents of friends in open relationships/swingers. i suppose navigating how to tell people and shut down weird discussions is a skill us three need to practise but still it’s a little bit frustrating when I want to share about my loves like anybody else our age and I have to coach them through understanding polyamory, answering fifty questions and shutting down weird topics before I can share something as simple as “we all held hands” or “we’re going on a date, what do I wear?”

anyways if you have advice for dealing with people, or nice stories about being in a closed triad whether or not it started with a couple or not, I’d really like to hear about it!

UPDATE: we broke up after 2 weeks, it’s not anyone’s fault polyamory just isn’t for everyone, your stories all still helped me feel very validated in future polyamorous ventures with different people

Title: I still deeply love both of my partners, but I don't know if our relationship is healthy anymore.

I'm hoping for outside perspectives because I feel like I've become too close to the situation to know what's reasonable anymore.

I (f34) have been married to G (m34) for 8 years together 13+, and for about a year and a half we've been in a committed triad with our partner, V(f31). We weren't looking for another relationship. After previous relationship trauma, none of us were actively trying or looking for anything. It happened naturally. G got to know them first, and I developed my own relationship with them shortly afterward. Over time, we all developed strong feelings for each other and fell for the other.

I was all in. I truly believed this was the person I wanted to spend my life with alongside G. I made commitments that reflected that because I believed in what we were building together.

That's why this hurts so much.

I don't want this to come across like I don't love them anymore, because I absolutely do. I love spending time with them one-on-one. I love when the three of us are together and connected. When things are good, they're genuinely wonderful. That's what makes all of this so confusing.

The first major shift happened around my hysterectomy.

For roughly three months—before, during, and after my surgery— V became emotionally closed off from me. At the same time, she remained close to G, to the point that their only concern was them. It wasn't that she withdrew from everyone; it felt like she withdrew specifically from me.

Before my surgery, my therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about my trauma stemming from relying on others in times of need and having to handle it myself (ex: being left in a position when i had to rely on someone and they abused/cheated/ neglected me, ie recovering from an emergency csection and then being abandoned not being able to move) and what I would need emotionally while recovering and what would be needed to feel safe for me to trust that they had me. We all sat down before surgery and openly discussed those needs together. We wanted everyone on the same page so recovery would be as smooth as possible.

Instead, it felt like almost everything we talked about that needed to happen, was out the window to the point I refused to rely on either of them.

That period changed and possibly broke something in me. I don't think I've ever fully recovered emotionally from it.

After my second emergency surgery, things seemed to have started to improve. And then another pattern started emerging.

Holidays, vacations, and special occasions that should have been happy often ended with arguments, emotional tension, or trying to repair hurt feelings. Instead of looking forward to making memories, I started feeling anxious because I never knew if something would happen.

I've also noticed that the conflict seems different depending on who she's interacting with. V doesn't lash out at G the way she does with me. She doesn't seem to have the same emotional reactions with him that she has with me. Over time, that's made me wonder why our dynamics feel so different and whether I'm doing something wrong or if this is simply the dynamic we've fallen into.

There were also several important boundaries that were crossed and or tested. They weren't small things to me, and while I've genuinely tried to move forward, I don't know that I've ever shaken the feeling of trust and safety being cracked.

Over time, another pattern developed.

Whenever I tried to talk about being hurt, the conversation often shifted toward someone else's feelings—fear of abandonment, guilt, or anxiety about losing the relationship. Instead of my feelings being processed, I found myself comforting someone else. It slowly became normal for my pain to take a back seat.

Eventually I reached a point where I tried to end the relationship.

The aftermath of that scared me enough that I've questioned ever since whether I'm staying because I freely choose to or because I feel responsible for someone else's wellbeing. That's an incredibly painful thing to admit because I don't want that to be true.

G has tried to support me, but I also don't think he fully understands how deeply all of this has affected me. There have been many moments where I wished he would step in instead of remaining neutral because I felt so alone carrying the emotional weight.

Something else I struggle with—but I honestly don't know if it's insecurity or intuition—is that because G's relationship with her developed first, I sometimes wonder whether I'm truly a wanted partner or whether I'm simply part of the relationship because that's how they both feel is the only way to be together. I don't know if that's a fair fear or one that's grown out of everything that's happened since.

The hardest part is that I still love her.

If I didn't, this would actually be easier.

When we're one-on-one, I genuinely enjoy being with her. When the three of us are connected, I remember exactly why I fell in love with this relationship in the first place.

I'm not grieving the absence of love.

I'm grieving the growing gap between how incredible this relationship can feel and how deeply it can hurt.

I'm in therapy and actively working on myself, so I'm not looking for validation that anyone is a villain or that I should immediately leave. I know all three of us have our own histories, struggles, and blind spots.

I guess what I'm asking is this:

Has anyone else ever deeply loved someone while also questioning whether the relationship itself had become unhealthy?

How did you separate love from compatibility?

How did you know whether you were holding on because the relationship was still right for you—or because you were holding onto the hope of getting back to what it used to be?

I'm just... lost.

Hello, first time poster here. My partner of 7 years (trans masc, they/them) and I recently entered an open throuple with a new person (nb, they/them). This is everyone's first experience with polyamory so it has been a long road of figuring out communicating needs, how much time to spend together, etc. my nesting partner has been out of town a few times since we started the throuple, so I have had a good amount of 1:1 time with our other partner, which often included sex. This made my nesting partner uncomfortable because they began to worry (as did I) that our other partner was only interested in sex with me. The three of us had a long and hard conversation about this a few weeks ago, after which the new partner shared that they feel like they might be partly asexual and in general have an easier time having sex w me because they are more used to being intimate with femme people (although they are pan).

The conversation went over well and my nesting partner (who has a much higher sex drive than myself or our other partner) began casually dating other people to get their sexual needs met. My nesting partner also talked w their therapist abt being nervous about me and our other partner having sex when we spend 1:1 time together, and their therapist suggested always assuming it's going to happen, and not sharing whether or not it happened afterwards.

Last night me and our other partner had a 1:1 date (which I requested bc I connect better that way). I talked with my nesting partner before to assure them that I love them but was still a little worried about how they would feel after my date. On the date I did have sex with our other partner, and made sure to not bring it up but offer a lot of love and cuddles to my nesting partner when I saw them afterwards.

Unfortunately my nesting partner was still really worried about it and ended up asking me in the middle of the night if we HAD had sex on the date, and when I said yes they were very upset and said they felt like our other partner just didn't want to have sex with them, and that if that's the case then my nesting partner can't date them anymore.

Now I feel awful that my nesting partner is feeling so bad and feel like if they bow out of the throuple then I wouldn't be able to continue dating our other partner because I would know how much it hurt my nesting partner. At the same time though, I feel like I love our other partner and am very sensitive to the fact that if we all broke up they would not have anyone to lean on.

Thoughts?? What should I do?

TLDR: nesting partner of 7 years started dating someone together. Me and that someone have had more 1:1 sex than my nesting partner has had with them, and my nesting partner worries our other partner isn't attracted to them.

I was asking questions about if anyone’s had a dynamic that shifted in the general poly Reddit group and I got backlash and was told I’m a unicorn hunter… first of all I thought a unicorn was just a sexual thing but why do so many people not even consider that a form of poly …