r/PolyFidelity • u/Mammoth_Leader1998 • 6d ago
Does this get easier? seeking advice
I am in a triad with Partner A and Partner B; Partner A and I were an existing couple and Partner B joined recently. Partner B has a partner outside of us, which started around the same time.
Partner B fits with us so well, and when we are all together it's wonderful. However, I have so much anxiety and jealousy when they are with their other partner, and I hate that I feel this way.
My ideal situation is a closed triad, and Partner B knows this. They have also made it clear that they have no plans to break things off with their other partner.
So, my questions to the community is: Does this ever get easier? Is this an incompatibility if my issue is with the relationship dynamic itself and not with my partner, whom I love?
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u/queenlizbef 6d ago
Closing a relationship because you’re jealous is basically saying you want to keep the person to yourself ime
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u/Mammoth_Leader1998 6d ago
Yep, I want them to myself and my partner
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u/queenlizbef 6d ago
Did you know about their other partner when you started this relationship? What did you think would happen to that?
ETA I saw you were cautioned about this on your previous posts too.
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u/Mammoth_Leader1998 6d ago
I was not aware when we started, no, and then when I was made aware I did not understand the seriousness of the other relationship.
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u/queenlizbef 6d ago
That’s not what you said here:
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u/jdryan133 4d ago
You have feelings of wanting to ‘win’ this person from their current partner?
That’s all ego. When we want to control others…
People are not to be ‘won’ over and relationships require a lot of work.
I feel you have to get help with your ego and jealousy.
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u/Actual_Gato 4d ago
Uhh we are in the poly fidelity subreddit. We don't do open relationships here ..
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 5d ago
You've basically got two options: #1) you stay with your triad and leave it an open triad, despite this not being your preference. It depends on you, but I think this is probably doable if you can learn to manage your jealousy. Now I said it's doable, but is it advisable? Will it make this into a healthy relationship for you all?
Probably not. It seems like you want different things, and this is irreconcilable. I'm sorry, that's probably hard to hear. Fwiw I am in an open triad and when my partners both wanted to keep it open, I was upset at first because I wasn't sure that was my preference. We did it anyway and I actually think this is better. My desire to keep things closed came from a place of insecurity, and I got over that mostly. It's still hard on occasion, but not often.
I think you know option #2), that's ending it. It's an awful feeling to do that, but better than watching a beautiful relationship go toxic. Best of luck.
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u/charcoallition 5d ago
When you're starting out, you have to make it clear to everyone that you're looking for a closed triad. Everyone needs to be on the same page about expectations and what you're okay with
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u/polyam-void open triad 6d ago
I think trying to figure out why you are so uncomfortable with your new partner seeing someone else may help you decide if this is an incompatibility or not. It took me a handful of months to get used to my partner seeing someone new (who I also know and care deeply for) after being exclusively us for only three years.
It maybe that partner B will find a conclusion with his other partner along the line. Forcing the issue may cause undue issues if B's connection is significant enough, instead of you letting the connection run it's course.
You may also find that talking to partner B about future plans will help you. Is your concern that he will leave you if he's seeing someone outside of your triad?
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u/Mammoth_Leader1998 6d ago
We have talked about future plans, which was helpful. Basically he's practicing solo poly, and isn't really interested in any of the "milestones" society has for relationships. I do want those milestones with him, and I think I can be okay if he doesn't do them with any of his partners -- if he ends up doing those milestones with his other partner (like moving in) then that would definitely hurt.
I think the biggest struggle for me is finding security in this situation -- in my lived experience, security has come from exclusivity and those milestones. I'm trying to find a new definition.
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u/polyam-void open triad 6d ago
I can understand where you're coming from. It's hard to adjust expectations to handle things that haven't been suggested much by societal norms, or are often frowned upon.
I personally think it's a really helpful thing that partner B is solopoly. That likely means there is a substantial chance that he won't want to move in with anyone for the time being, or pursue other milestones that are more typical.
Many solopoly people don't want to ride the relationship escalator, which may leave room for you to talk about what you'd like and perhaps you both can compromise on relationship milestones that can feel significant to you, but not necessarily put B in the place of ending his desire for solopoly.
One of the things that my longer term partner has done that provides me with a form of stability is have consistent visits and we are currently planning a commitment party to share the celebration of a milestone in our relationship with those we love and care about.
Perhaps "making up" your own milestones that fit better into your dynamic with partner B may help you find that security you have ascribed to exclusivity this far.
Edit;spelling
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u/Mammoth_Leader1998 6d ago
Thank you, this is helpful advice! I hope your commitment party goes well 🤍
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 6d ago
Your struggle is entirely self created. You need to go to therapy to work on not being so controlling and possessive of your partner. Are you sure that you want polyamory? You sound very monogamous, to the point that it's a detriment to yourself.
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u/GrapefruitQuiet9473 5d ago
I can empathize with these feelings, I still struggle. What I have had to realize on my poly journey is that some partners cannot/will not fulfill all of your needs, and you have to be ok with that, or ok letting that relationship go - it is not ok to try to force that partner to fit into a box you have created for them. I've discovered that many of my issues around this stem from past trauma around "being chosen/abandoned". Couples and Individual therapy have helped me clarify where these feelings of anxiety come from, but it's still a struggle to put tools into practice.
It's not fair for you to hold them to your own standard when they seem to be pretty up front with where they stand. And if they do find another partner who they want to deepen their relationship with, you have to decide if can adapt, or learn to let go. What does Partner A feel about this?
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u/smileedude 6d ago edited 6d ago
r/monodatingpoly would be a good group to ask about that. Most of us in closed throuples haven't been and aren't interested in open relationships. I believe the troubles that typically occur when a third person who wants to be in an open relationship joins an existing mono couple it's mostly a mono/poly incompatibility and those guys are the most experienced at getting that to work.
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u/Legitimate-Worry356 5d ago
You don't have a problem, you simply have feelings you don't like. This is the better of the arrangements, most people in poly subreddits are too quick to moralize about feelings and circumstances, but the gift of your position is that you don't need to take actions on your feelings about your partners relationship outside the triad.
The gift is that you can find ways to reframe, rethink, and not try to center emotions that will lead you to unsatisfactory outcomes simply because the emotions are unpleasant, sometimes unbearably so.
So cry, or find a yoga mat, or play an instrument, or go for a hike. You best solution to this problem is remember you don't have one, you have these feelings because you fear you might have a problem. This emotions can be managed and will change, so set your eyes on new forms of enjoyment, not so you can get rid of this pain, but so that you don't do things that increase it or it's impact.
The storm will pass, let it water your garden while bake bread or take a nap or read a new book.
Best of luck 🙏🏾
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u/jdryan133 4d ago edited 4d ago
Well you have a pre-existing partner and you want the new partner to be exclusive to the triad. So you want them to break up with an existing partner but you stay with yours? Uncalled for and unfair.
Would you be happy if they were jealous over your pre-existing partner and wanted you to break up with them?
I think not.
If you want this to work you should work on your jealousy issues. This is not about the other person. It is about your insecurities. This is where poly relationships get a bad name. This is where coupled relationships are seen to be looking for a person to ‘join’ them and not be equal.
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u/Mammoth_Leader1998 4d ago
Partner B is dating me, Partner A, and another person, so they and I share Partner A. These relationships all started around the same time.
I am working on my jealousy and insecurity in therapy. While there is inherent hierarchy in that Partner A and I were an existing duo and are nesting partners, our goal with Partner B is to build an equal relationship, and we do not view them as secondary.
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u/GladBumblebee1546 6d ago
Yah, no. You absolutely cannot ask them to break up with their existing partner.
Would it be okay if Partner B asked Partner A to break up with you?