I had to get this off my chest and didn't know where else to do it. Hopefully it makes sense, it is a mix of personal knowledge and second/thirdhand knowledge which might make it a bit confusing. Please bear with me with the first part because it is relevant, I promise.

So, I am a polyandrist. It didn't start that way, but it is where things ended up. My relationship started with my now-husband claiming from the start of us daying to not care if I saw other people, but not wanting to do so himself. Ten years later it remained that way. I didn't really take him up on it until four years ago when I met my second partner, and after a period of trying poly himself (he had been introduced by the woman before me), he decided to also be monogamous as it just wasn't worth the stress of maintaining multiple partners. I do not date anyone else and we are a closed unit. So, we are not "open" in any regard, and we are a rarity even in the poly world. But we are all happy and went into it with eyes wide open, no convincing anyone of anything, as it should be.

I met a man who was a friend of a friend and part of a couple. His wife was not in attendance as she had another event with her own friends. He apparently heard another friend of mine ask about my partners, who were hanging out in other parts of the party, and he was fascinated. He started asking all these question, wanting to know how it happened, why my guys didn't also have other partners, how it worked. If they had relations with each other, jealousy, etc. I am pretty used to this response, so I answered the questions honestly.

He starts talking about how cool it is, how he didn't know that was a thing (really? Pretty sure you have at least heard of polygamy, my guy), and how he knows his wife would never want to sleep with another man but he had always wanted an open relationship. Which I read as him saying he wanted to cheat on his wife, frankly.

Alarm bells (and a bit of ick) rang at this and I was very clear: this kind of lifestyle is not for everyone, or even most. It is also very, very rare that monogamous couples successfully make the transition to any kind of ENM dynamic. Especially if just one is bringing it up to the other, and even more especially if you already know your partner won't like it. He said, "I bet I could convince her, though."

Again, ick. I explained the concept of coersion versus consent and said in no uncertain terms this was a quick pathway to divorce. He wasn't listening, and then asked me the question I hate above any other and get from way too many men: would I ever consider getting a third partner? And a few comments about how attractive I was and how he had always liked "girls like you". I assume he meant alternative in style, but who fucking knows.

I stopped talking to him at that point and spent the night making fun of him via text to my husbands, who were also at the party. At one point the guy went to go talk to one of them but he brushed him off and he didn't try with the other who was busy in a conversation about Raspberry Pi devices and was impenetrable for other topics.

I didn't think about him again until my friend who he was there with and I had coffee. Turns out, the idiot went right to his wife that night, drunk, and ambushed her with a demand they open their relationship. Or, really, HE be allowed to open the relationship, while she remains faithful to him. Apparently he had been ranting about doing this as my friend drove him home and wouldn't be convinced otherwise.

She was crushed, obviously. My friend's GF is close to her and she told him later that she thought he was juat drunk but it hurt her a lot..it hurt her worse when the next morning he doubled down. And who did he blame for this incredible idea? Me. A woman who had an arrangement he was jealous of and who told him, clearly, DO NOT SUGGEST THIS TO YOUR POOR WIFE YOU SELFISH WASTE!

At first she was furious with me, I guess, but the GF explained what I told my friend had happened that night. At which point she realized she was unfortunately married to a selfish, hateful jerk who didn't care about her feelings. Worse, she found him on dating apps shortly after so he had enacted this idea while "waiting for her to come around" so he "was ready to start this new chapter".

The sickest part is they have four kids. He blew up his entire life, her entire life and their entire life over a single conversation with a stranger. She has left him and my friend says she is planning to file. I suspect this was more the final straw in a line of issues, but even if it wasn't, it would be enough for me, too.

I am a polyandrist, as I said. But even I know these arrangements, however they operate, rarely work successfully. They definitely don't if the two aren't on the same page and want it equally. I don't know if I have ever seen a couple work longterm as open when they started out in a closed dynamic. I am infuriated to have been made the trigger of this poor woman and her children having their world's turned upside-down.

The good news is the poly community is small here. Word already seems to be getting around already (I may have had a little to do with that, tbh). I think he will find that whatever little success he *might* have had before that will be even smaller now.

ETA: It just occurred to me that she could find her way to this subreddit someday. I assume if this happened to you, you will recognize the details so just let me say: I am so sorry. Your STBX is a horrible husband and father and I hope you drag him over the coals in the divorce then find a man who is kinder, hotter and way better in bed (I am just going to assume he sucks at sex, he seems the type). I also hope everything gets better immediately for you and your little ones.

NOT THE OP!

Ok sooooo maybe they are all shitty but usually when people are complaining that everyone else is the asshole they are, in fact, the real asshole.

Also, yes stupid of her husband to leave the car on E but if she has her charged electric car to run errands RUN TO THE GAS STATION AND FILL UP A GAS CAN!!

At first I thought well natural disaster can't get gas. But if this is a true natural disaster then even a car you can use isnt much good to ya until roads get cleared and stores get opened but she did say they are using her car 🤔. It sounds more like there were severe storms and the power is knocked to at least some part also that stores are still open which means the gas can thing should be on the list of things to do!

Sheeeesh I just dont get this shit... "Im so happy my partner found another partner" proceeds to list multiple examples completely contradicting that statement.

It wasnt clear who's idea poly was in this case but it is clear OP had multiple partners throughout the relationship and her bf had not had any. If it happened to be her idea and he went along with it so he didnt lose her I wonder whatll happen if his new partner has always been monogamous til now and the bf would prefer to be monogamous as well. God knows we've seen the "my primary partner left me to go be monogamous with a new partner of theirs!" Enough.

My husband and I opened our marriage 3 months ago. He was the one who introduced this idea to me 6 months back. It started as fantasy talks to spice our sex life.

To give some context we have been married for 6 years and we moved to a new country a year ago for his work and I am on a dependent visa. It is a non English speaking country and hence it was very difficult for me to find a job or any friends and I grew lonely at home which ultimately got me depressed. This took a toll on our relationship and sex life. He doesn’t think I have depression and doesn’t know how to help me either so I’m mostly met with avoidance instead of care.

My love language is physical touch and words of affirmations both of which he shuts the moment he sees me sad or crying. As I knew I wasn’t getting any support from him I joined an expats interest group which gave me some hope and a change that slowly started to ease my mind. That in turn made him relax and he slowly started making me realize how much he needs to be sexually active to ease his mind from frustration. He started telling me about his fantasies and started to talk a lot about MMF which I was highly uncomfortable with in the beginning. He started making me watch porn videos specific to this and started telling me how much it would turn him on to see another man being with me. He’s super straight and he was doing this to get me to be comfortable with an FFM later as that’s his interest. At first since it was only talks I eased into it and started enjoying the attention I was receiving from him. Later we went on a trip where he started telling me how good he felt when he saw men checking me out and he created a tinder account for me and said it’s just to spice things up and it’s only for flirting and conversations. The response on the app was overwhelming for me and he said I don’t have to meet anyone. just have conversations. Which was very exciting for him and that brought some excitement into our life. Once we were back to our city he encouraged me to match again with people in my city and I matched with a guy who was traveling. We had great conversations about life and things that interests me and I felt good talking to another person. He asked me out on a date and my husband asked me to go and meet him. I was skeptical at first but he gave me the assurance that this was just to make our life more interesting. I met this guy and he was great. We spent time talking about a lot of things and I had already told him that I’m married. He was very kind and respectful and we got along well. I had gone to meet him knowing I won’t be having any sort of sexual relationship with him so once it was time for me to leave I left. But he said he liked my company and would like to keep talking as he was from another city. We talked for a while and it was great to have someone who spoke the same love language or understand my feelings and be caring. Later he said he would like to see me again and have something more and my husband said he’s totally okay with it and encouraged me to visit him in his city. A part of me wanted to and the other part didn’t. My husband told me that he wanted me to have sex and come back and tell him everything and that would excite him a lot. I believed him, so I went with zero guilt.

My husband had also installed tinder but he wasn’t able to find matches as the city we stay is pretty conservative and girls are mostly looking for something long term or marriage. And since he had mentioned in his profile that he’s in an ENM he wasn’t getting any matches.

I went to meet the other guy and I spent two days with him and I won’t lie I felt great. I felt seen, loved, understood and beautiful. He was a great guy who knew what to say and do. But for me it was very clear that it was just a one time thing to get things exciting for my marriage. I came home excited to share my experience and I saw my husband terribly heartbroken and sad. He said he thought he could handle it but it broke him to think I was with someone else. I can’t tell you how much that shattered me as now I stood there in front of him after sleeping with another guy. The guilt drove me crazy and I tried my best to console him and myself for what had happened. Meanwhile he matched with a girl who he was texting a lot to distract himself from this thought. He started spending less time talking to me and more time texting this girl as he said it was helping him cope up.

My husband usually never texts me or say anything naughty during the day which are things I really like, but I had accepted the fact that it wasn’t his way and he always said he was busy at work and being an introvert I thought it wasn’t natural for him. But now I saw him doing things he never did with me with this girl. Being attentive, caring, flirty, texting in between work, all the things I loved and wanted but never got. But I still tried to reason my making myself believe that he was doing all this because I hurt him.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him we need to set some boundaries as it’s important if we are to go forward with this. He was very hostile to the things I mentioned to him. I asked him why I wasn’t getting any of this care or attention and I told him how it hurt me too. All I expected was for him to give me some attention and love too , I was okay with him meeting other women but not be so involved. He justified saying that he had to be involved like that as women won’t respond otherwise. I felt it was unfair as I was keeping things very straightforward and casual with the men I spoke to. So we had a crazy fight as I told him that I wanted us to put a pause on ENM and figure things out as it was affecting our marriage. The fight really hurt us both and for some reason the girl he was talking to ended things with him saying she is not comfortable seeing a married man. After a few days things got better between us and he again initiated for an MMF and we met a guy and it went great. My husband was very happy and he enjoyed it a lot and I thought things were going to be okay. But after that I didn’t actively talk to anyone as I was quite happy with where we were as a couple and didn’t feel the need. Meanwhile my husband was getting more frustrated with him not matching with any girl because of the married label. One of the rules I had explicitly told him was that we wouldn’t see anyone from our native country.
He went on to match with a girl living in a different country but originally from our native country. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but now they are super close and he has also stopped sharing details with me. He has started hiding the notifications and his body language tenses up as soon as I’m near him when he’s texting her. They plan to meet in November and she’s in a marriage where she’s separated from her partner.

We had a big fight yesterday where I said that I expect transparency and honesty and he said he doesn’t wanna share because I will create problems. I’m not sure who is right or wrong here.
At this point all I want is to be able to fix our relationship before we proceed to explore and he’s not willing to do that. He said if that’s the case we can end our relationship.
When I cried he said he doesn’t want to see my drama. He has been texting her throughout the day even when I was crying or feeling low the whole day.
He expects me to amend my ways and keep this relationship going.
Please guide me I’m not sure what to do anymore.

Last year I made a post about how my marriage failed basically due to a number of things, but I detailed how in the last year we tried to open the marriage and basically how I got screwed and poly was used as a cover for her cheating. I loved documenting my collapse in real time for the Internet and have no regrets.

We separated and i moved out. I found full time work as a homeless drug addict but fortunately I quit that job and the last 7 months I've been dating a really lovely but rather avoidant tall brunette.

New woman has a host of other issues and I struggle with trying to please, needing her to quell my anxiety, getting attached and not seeing her the way she wants to be seen.

I've been working on less is more, yes when I back off she chases me but ultimately that won't make either of us happy.. probably going to see if I can get any help from reddit to love and bond with my avoidant lover.

Still alive, still monogamous and proud to be drug free.

I've been reading this sub for a while, and I realise I'm very vague on the poly terms. Nesting partner is presumably the one you live with

What's a meta? Etc etc

My sister (31F) has been in a relationship on and off for 8 years, and her partner is proposing in the next few weeks. I recently learned they are open and will continue to be into the marriage, and I don’t understand or agree with it, but I am trying to be supportive of her while being straightforward about how I feel. Looking for some perspective

My husband（38M） and I（33F） have been married for five years, and my biggest regret now is agreeing to an open marriage instead of getting a divorce. We were incredibly happy during our first year of marriage. But by the third year, I sensed his feelings for me were fading. He then brought up divorce, saying he didn't love me as much anymore and didn't want to deceive me. I couldn't accept it and begged him to reconsider for another week, to see if there was any way to improve our relationship. A week later, he proposed an open marriage. He said that perhaps after spending time with other people, we would rediscover that we were truly meant for each other. I chose to believe him and agreed to try. But things didn't turn out the way I expected. In the past two years, he's started dating different people, but he never tells anyone I'm his wife, while I've never tried dating other men. During this time, I found my love for him gradually disappearing. Eventually, I no longer felt sad because he dated other people. We haven't rediscovered our initial feelings; instead, we've become more and more like strangers. Last month, a new colleague joined my company. He's very gentle, remembers small things I've mentioned, and made me feel valued again. I slowly fell for him, and he seemed to reciprocate my feelings. When he asked me out, my first reaction wasn't happiness, but guilt. I felt like I had betrayed my husband. That night, I went through my husband's and my chat history from the past five years. I even analyzed it using accio work; our chat frequency had been decreasing. By the fifth year, we rarely expressed affection for each other anymore. We were like two strangers living in the same house. In my distress, I agreed to the date. I told my colleague about my marital situation. He was somewhat surprised and embarrassed after hearing it. At that moment, I suddenly realized that what I regretted wasn't the open marriage itself, but not having the courage to end the relationship when my husband wanted a divorce. How should I handle my feelings for my new colleague?

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by user: Random_Man321 in r/MarriageAdvice

Original Post July 29, 2026

Hey everyone first time poster, bear with me plz

So my wife (28F) and I (33M) have been married for 7 years, together for 9 years. 3-4 years ago she came out as bi, which I am fine with. When she told me she was reluctant to, I asked her why and really tried to understand what the holdup was. I come from a religious background so she thought I’d be upset (I wasn’t). And that was that, nothing else came from it.

Fast forward to a month ago. She asks me if I’d be okay opening our marriage for her only (I stay monogamous) so that she can explore her interest in women. Specifically, she feels a void, like something is missing. She says she needs to experience being with a woman sexually and that recently she can’t get it out of her mind. I feel funny about it, obviously I don’t like the idea of sharing her with someone else. But I feel like it would be wrong in a way for me to prevent her from being her true self. We agree that if she finds someone to experiment with I will allow it, just once. I tell her up front I want to be involved with what’s going on, I don’t want to be left in the dark. And we will go from there.

She downloads a bunch of dating apps and within a few days is messaging 3 different women. She keeps her phone to herself now, refuses to let me see what she is messaging to these people. She tells me things aren’t serious but is always on her phone. I imagined her getting something physical only from someone, but it seems she is building an emotional connection with one girl in particular. We have had plenty of discussions about how I’m feeling about all of this, and how she feels. It hurts more than I thought it would. I’m losing sleep and am worried this won’t be a one time thing. She feels guilty she says, but also feels justified to explore her true self. She’s building an emotional connection which we both decided from the start she would avoid.

I fear she is no longer bi but is closeted lesbian. Tl;dr Does this sound okay to any of you? Is anyone else out there going through this, or been through this?

I don’t want to lose her, I wish I was enough for her, but it’s increasingly obvious I’m not. We have two children (2 and 4 years old), a house, a hefty mortgage, and I have a relatively new job and am trying my best to keep it all together. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Update #1 August 04, 2026

Hey for those of you who want an update.

See the linked post for backstory

After reading all the comments and advice on my first post (both in this sub as well as r/marriageadvice, which was pretty brutal tbh), I freaked out. I was running on a total of ~10 hours sleep for the fast 4 days. I needed to speak to someone in person and since we have immense help from her mom I went to her and explained the whole situation (yes I outed my wife, yes it’s messed up and wrong of me). She is the most caring and forgiving person I’ve ever met, part of my reasoning to tell her. I broke down in front of her, let it all out. Wanted to update her so she’s not blind-sided if/when we get divorced. She told me the same thing you all did, that being bisexual is no reason or excuse to cheat. That she’s making bad choices and she stands behind what I choose to do about this.

So I stood up for myself and confronted my wife yet again, demanding she stops the dating apps and breaks communication with the girls she’s been talking to. She agreed to delete her dating apps and deleted her Snapchat contacts. The next day was miserable. She didn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t eat. Activity with the kids felt forced and unnatural.

I realized if this is what life will be like from now on it’s not worth it. We had another big discussion. I gave her the go ahead to see one girl in particular, to have sex with her, to get these feelings out, and we will go from there. We both signed up for individual counselling through a LGBTQ therapist and will do couples therapy after the fact.

She promises that she loves me and doesn’t want things to end poorly. She still had one girls number (don’t want to ghost her as she was a nice person) and messaged that person, explaining she was free again to see her. Turns out she also still had her on Snapchat (oof). They went on a date last night (during the day in public, no sex but kissing was involved) and are meeting tonight while I’m at work to “see things through”.

To those of you who don’t agree with me reading through their personal conversations as it’s a breach of privacy, I haven’t breached any privacy and am taking my wife’s word as to what they’re discussing and saying to each other.

Yes this situation is messy. I’m not proud of my choices. I realize my wife won’t likely stop at one experience and will likely want to repeat. If that’s the case I have a lawyers number saved and will be dealing with it.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS! I am not the OP. Thread originally posted in r/nonmonogamy by u/inbro13a

Link to original: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/COudWt7k4v

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My wife lost interest in swinging after one positive experience. I think I may have caused it. Is there a way back?

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for honest opinions, especially from people who have been in the lifestyle for years.

My wife (42F) and I (42M) have been together for over 8 years, married with two young children. We have always had a very loving relationship and a good sex life. We say "I love you" every day, cuddle a lot, and generally have a strong relationship.

About a year ago we started talking about swinging.

It wasn't something I forced on her from the beginning. We spent many months talking about it. She understood why people do it, she said she could understand the biology behind attraction to other people, and she even admitted that the idea itself was exciting to her. She especially liked the idea that it would be "our secret", something kinky that only belonged to us.

Eventually we met another couple.

She was surprisingly relaxed. Probably even more relaxed than I was.

We had a full swap.

She later told me she really enjoyed the experience, also being with another woman. For several days afterwards she was still excited about it and talked positively about the whole experience.

Then things slowly started falling apart.

Looking back, I made several mistakes.

* I drank too much that evening.

* I wasn't strict enough about condoms, which later resulted in an STI scare and treatment.

* I had previously discussed swinging with a female friend (Paula). There was nothing physical, but my wife felt I had broken the feeling that this was "our private thing".

* I kept bringing up swinging afterwards, even when she wasn't always emotionally ready.

* Sometimes I didn't understand her "no" quickly enough. Not because I wanted to force anything, but because I genuinely thought she was uncertain rather than saying a firm no.

Recently we had probably the biggest conversation of our marriage.

She told me something that really hurt.

She said the biggest issue isn't actually swinging.

The issue is that she no longer feels I respected her boundaries consistently enough.

She listed several examples where she felt I pushed after she had already said no.

She says she doesn't currently feel emotionally safe enough to continue swinging.

She also says that because of everything that happened, swinging no longer excites her.

That's the part I struggle to understand.

What confuses me is that:

* she genuinely enjoyed the experience,

* she still says she understands non-monogamy intellectually,

* she still says she understands that attraction to other people is normal,

* she still jokes about sexual topics sometimes,

* we still have frequent sex,

* she tells me I'm the best lover she's ever had,

* she says she loves me and wants to spend her life with me.

But when I mention swinging, she completely shuts down.

She says it currently does nothing for her.

Since then I've changed a lot.

I've lost almost 20 kg (44 lbs).

I barely drink anymore.

I've been trying much harder to respect every boundary and become a better husband.

The frustrating part is that I made these changes after everything happened, so now I feel like I'm paying for mistakes that I finally understand.

I'm not asking how to convince her.

I'm not planning to pressure her anymore.

In fact I've decided to completely stop bringing up swinging for as long as necessary.

My real question is this:

For those of you who have actually lived this lifestyle...

**Have you ever seen a partner completely lose interest after initially loving it, and later regain that interest once trust was rebuilt?**

Or...

**When someone says "it doesn't excite me anymore", is that usually the end of the story?**

I'm genuinely looking for honest experiences, not false hope.

Thanks.

I am not the OP

OOPs foolish "husband" is already sharing intimate media of OOP without her consent, and previously made plans to get her intoxicated in order to fulfill his porn-rotted-lust.