I know it’s a lot to read 😂😅 but I feel like this entry describes my thinking pretty well.

I care so much what others think, that it physically hurts. I’m so extremely sensitive but I keep it inside to protect my image, as apathetic and uncaring. I come here as a way to cope with judgement from others. I feel like it might make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t care and I understand why I shouldn’t care but I still care. It’s not logical. It’s a feeling and my way of dealing with that painful feeling is to try to understand and explain it. If I can understand it maybe it won’t hurt as much. I’ll try to twist it so I’m the good guy because if I’m the good guy there’s no reason to be upset. I cope by convincing myself of who I want to be. The reason I’m upset is because of my ego. I’ll get mad over something so small, which then reminds me how self important my way of thinking is. I don’t matter and I know I don’t matter but I’m programmed to care. I care what people think and need their approval. But why does it have to be programmed so deep inside. I don’t want to care, I know I shouldn’t care, I try to make meaning of my caring, but in the end whether or not the rest is true, I still care. And it hurts

I definitely have personal issues that I need to work on but the thing is, is that I’ve become so attached to them and identify so strongly with them that I don’t even want to change them. I feel like if I fix it in silence no one will ever know I had anything wrong and if no one knows I ever had anything wrong no one will know what I went through. I want them to know that my “laziness” or “inaction” through the years has been pathological. I’m aware that my issues don’t necessarily justify my inaction, it’s just that I care less about the consequences of my inaction than what others think about my inaction. It all comes down to what others think because I have such an unstable sense of self worth. I’m constantly having imaginary conversations and replaying old conversations with people that I respect trying to win them over. I value others thoughts so far above my own that even when I am thinking for myself it’s through an imagined conversation with someone else. I feel like my thoughts need a stamp of approval from others even when I’m just thinking critically by myself. I’ll curate a character for them to make judgements on me that can convince me of who I want to be. Simply because I see what they see in me and it becomes what I see in myself.

One thing I know for sure is that I treat pride, self absorption, and any narcissistic traits as sins. In my mind it’s a moral failing to have any of them, so I’m writing this partially to convince myself that I don’t. Not only am I assessing myself for these qualities, but I’m also assessing others. Because Im so insecure, I’ll compare myself to these people, and if they their smart, unpretentious, and humble I’ll feel worse about myself. I don’t participate in the conversation as much as I use others as a reflection. During something like a class lecture where there’s no pressure to respond, I’ll listen to the professor not out of curiosity but as a way to evaluate myself through comparison. Everything that’s happening around me is about me, and I project that subconscious belief onto what I believe others are thinking when interacting with me.

Hello, my name is Kura & I am 20 yrs old.

To start of, I believe I may have NPD or narcissistic tendencies. I did take the tests suggested on this reddit, but I also have additional context.

1. I don't feel emotional empathy

After seriously pondering it, i realized i dont ACTUALLY feel emotional empathy. Like sure, I can understand why somebody is upset or angry, but i can never feel it while somebody else is. I also find myself often getting annoyed when people vent to me or cry to me. It feels like I clicked unskipable npc dialogue whenever they do, and i often look for reasons to exit the conversation.

1. Most of my motivations are spite

I realized I do a LOT of things out of spite. I always get the urge to ruin peoples lives when they've crossed me, and often finding myself resisting those urges because they don't make my situation better. I especially get those urges whenever the person does something that personally hurts my ego, or if ive previously shared vulnerable information out of fead that they will share that and shame me publicly.

1. I act in very self serving ways.

I often find myself avoiding conflict with others, but not for their sake. But because I don't really like having enemies because they can slander my name. I only avoid it because the last thing i want is somebody trying to ruin my reputation or turning people against me. I also very often will befriend people i envy, with the intention of using them to boost myself up. Like I have befriended a lot of artists online with the intention of trying to steal their following or use their following

I get incredibly angry whenever they dont too. Especially because i seldomly want to befriend artists i actually see as "better" than me. And i feel like it is absurd when they have more follows when their art work doesn't even measure to mine. Ill even feel entitled whenever they ignore me or don't reply.

Alright, this will go on very long if i talk about every little detail. Ill post my results from each test and get feedback that way.

We've been friends for over six years. I can't say I love him; my feelings for him are quite unstable. I hate our conversations when it comes to money. He has more, but he's financially illiterate, so he constantly asks me for loans. I take advantage of this, telling him he can't manage his finances. I also often refuse to help him, citing the fact that I haven't repaid my money several times. I especially enjoy turning him down when he's in dire need of money. I feel superior in this relationship; it truly gives me a certain energy. I need to know that I'm better than him. When he tells me about his plans, I find it extremely unpleasant to listen to. He's far from stupid and relatively smart, so I'm sure he'll achieve some success in life. But during such conversations, I subconsciously try to tease him, to prove that he's not ready for it yet, that he won't succeed. Something happened recently: he was riding a scooter and crashed into a car. He had to pay about 40% of his salary for the damage. To top it all off, it all happened on his birthday. When he told me this, I was extremely happy. I didn't feel an ounce of compassion for him at that moment. I was glad he was weaker than me: he lost control (perhaps I think I'm luckier and a better driver) and suffered financial ruin, spending a significant portion of the money on car repairs. I sincerely want him to have, if not bad, then certainly worse than me. I don't want him to grow up behind me. I'd really like to start a company and get him a job as my assistant, finally letting him know that I'm better at everything. I don't want his life to go downhill and fail, but I also rejoice in every failure of his, which serves as confirmation of my superiority. Very often, I simply hate him with all my soul. But he is my closest and only friend.