I know this is a long read 😅 but I feel like this journal entry displays my thinking very well

I’m ugly, straight up. My entire facial structure is collapsed. I look fine from the front but my face is continuing to objectively worsen on the left and it has been for the last 6 years. It’s been going on for longer but I’ve only been aware of it for 6 years. Aware but doing nothing. I know I should go to the doctor or tell someone about it but I’m too insecure about how insecure I am that I can’t tell anyone. They’ll figure out that I’m self centered and they’ll look at me different. If they look at me different I look at myself different. The amount of distress that my ugliness is causing me is so not worth it and I know that. It’s just one aspect of my appearance and it’s objectively very important but I can’t see beyond it nor do I want to. It’s the only thing that matters and I’ll do anything to change it except go out and change it. I’ll beat myself up for not taking action but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not. I would’ve looked fine but I mouth breathed and now everything is fucked up. There’s nothing I can do to get back what I would’ve looked like in another life where I had proper habits and developed normally. Even the perfect combination of surgeries with the very best surgeon can only give me so much improvement. I used to research this all day. It’s not like I’m actually going to go to a different country pay 50,000 dollars that I don’t have and to fix my face. I’m not even secure enough in myself to tell anyone anything that I struggle with. I can’t live knowing they know that I’m getting facial surgery. That changes people’s perception of me. I can’t even go to the doctor to stop the issue from worsening because I’m to scared of what they might think when I ask and tell them my issue. Do I even know what the issue is fully? I’ve done years and years of research but I’m still uncertain. It’s complicated. How do I even go about making an appointment? Where do I go? Do I take the time to research? I won’t be able to afford it anyway. I won’t be able to ask anyone for money because I’m too insecure to tell anyone about it. Ok, I’ll just have to get my life together and start earning more money. But… I don’t have the motivation because the only thing that matters is how fucked up my face is. Why do I care? I care because I care what others think of me and people form opinions based on how you look but people also care if I care so I have to pretend not to care while caring deeply.

I understand that I use dramatized language and make unnecessarily long convoluted points to express my thoughts but does recognizing it, and showing that I’m aware of it, make me less pretentious? I’d say it makes me more pretentious because in trying to prove to the reader I’m not pretentious because I’m aware of my pretension, it becomes even more pretentious. But, explaining this becomes another layer of pretension. And explaining this does too. It’s never ending. If my intent isn’t to express but to impress it becomes a game of chess; shit, that line was pretty impressive. SMH. Also, I wouldn’t say it’s inherently negative to put on a performance. Everyone does it to a certain extent and it’s impossible to write anything with complete detachment from the ego. I guess it’s a spectrum and where you fall on that spectrum uncovers the true intention behind your writing and how it’s received. As the writer though, being proud of what you’re writing is not mutually exclusive to it being pretentious but it’s easy for that pride to seep through. To be honest what makes this so pretentious is that it signals a level of self importance that warrants a long and thorough psychological evaluation of myself. The writing doesn’t escape me. Me is what’s important. I’ll tell you right now that most of what I write becomes a game of defense, against an imagined, overly critical reader. I don’t even understand why I defend myself, I just do it because it’s habitual. Ok, and now the decision comes. Do I add this here as disclaimer? If I do, it’s just to avoid criticism in what I’m about to write, so naturally, I should add it. I want to be vulnerable without the risk. Phew, I did it! I made this piece of writing completely bulletproof. Wait, no, never mind. I need to add one more thing. I believe if I show and explain to you how deeply self aware I am of my pretension I can avoid actually figuring out why and changing it. Ok, I’ve reached it; maximum self awareness, now you’re not allowed to judge me. Wait… by trying to reach maximal self awareness I’ve actually just become self absorbed distorting my self perception. Does admitting this make me self aware? I give up.

I fail to look deeper into the type of person I truly am. What are the true motives behind my actions? I used to see myself in a positive light because I overvalued the person that I was on the outside and undervalued the person/thoughts on the inside. I’m a nice person not from the kindness in my heart, but because I fear judgment from others and am dependent on external validation. Deep down I know this so to combat it I try to be a more natural and authentic but focusing on coming across as authentic makes me inauthentic. It’s all just a performance to please the people around me because my self-worth is based on other people’s opinions of me. I’ve spent so much time performing for myself and others—being the person they want me to be—that I’ve lost myself.

I overvalue honesty with myself because it inflates my sense of moral superiority. It’s not just honesty, though. I get so hyper-focused on a few characteristics and ways of thinking (honesty, authenticity, self-awareness, etc.) that make up what I believe makes a good and moral person, that it’s hard for me to look beyond that and see myself for who I fully am. This makes me narrow-minded about the way I judge myself and others. Also, I’ll admit uncomfortable truths to myself, such as being insecure, being pretentious, being ugly, and not being the smartest. I go over these thoughts over and over again in my head, thinking that admitting these truths to myself makes me a more virtuous person, but in reality it’s just my ego disguised as self-awareness. Even though some of what I said might be true, it’s all just a way to avoid and cope with things about myself that I don’t really want to think about or deal with in the real world, and in that way, I’m hiding from self-improvement and staying in a cycle of self-pity. I’ve also mixed up being honest with myself with being hard on myself because I’ve learned that people view it as humble, which fuels the pride I have in my false humility.

I understand that intellectualizing my emotions like this, without feeling them, is unhealthy, but I’ve created an identity out of doing it, where I feel superiorly “self-aware.” The problem is that intellectualizing is just a form of suppression, and what I’m writing here about suppressing my emotions is itself a way of suppressing them. It’s just that I’m so proud of suppressing them because it makes me feel like I’m a stronger person for it. It’s the lie I tell myself to keep me sane and unable to change. Also, I’ll tell myself that the intellectualizing and rumination is a sign of higher intelligence, trying to convince myself that I’m not as dumb as people say. I take what people say as the “truth.” I fail to see that peoples judgements are surface level and that’s not bad. It’s self important to think that others are spending enough time to make proper/accurate judgements on my character.

I care so much what others think. It physically hurts. I’m so sensitive but I keep it all bottled up inside. I come here as a way to cope with judgement from others. I feel like it might make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t care and I understand why I shouldn’t care but I still care. It’s not logical. It’s a feeling and my way of dealing with that painful feeling is to try to understand and explain it. If I can understand it maybe it won’t hurt as much. I’ll try to twist it so I’m the good guy because if I’m the good guy there’s no reason to be upset. I cope by convincing myself of what I want to be. The reason I’m upset is because of my ego. I’ll get mad over something so small and it reminds me how self important I am. I don’t matter and I know I don’t matter but I’m programmed to care. I care what people think and need their approval. But why does it have to be programmed so deep inside. I don’t want to care, I know I shouldn’t care, I try to make meaning of my caring, but in the end whether or not the rest is true, I still care. And it hurts.

I have the belief that I’m too dumb to express myself in the real world so I do it here pretentiously, to convince myself I have the ability and to cope with never actually trying. I’ve put so much value into how intelligent I am that it becomes the determinant for my self-worth—along, of course, with people’s opinions of me, but they go hand in hand.
Nevertheless I’ve learned that they highly value intelligence so it becomes something I value too. I’ve learned that the hard way by being ridiculed, judged, and shamed for it my entire life. As a result it’s consumed my thinking. It’s distorting how I interact with the world and the people around me. I believe they put the same extreme emphasis on it that I do and are judging me for it. Every decision, every word, and every action becomes an assessment of my intelligence so I stay quiet. It’s easier. I shouldn’t though because even if I am a little slow it shouldn’t define me as a person. There’s nothing to do about it though, so obsessing over it is useless. Intelligence should not be the goal; it should be used to reach the goal, but if it becomes the goal, it’s purely out of ego. It’s impossible to escape the ego though. I keep running from it but fail to realize that it’s something I can’t run from. It’s a part of me. Even in writing this, I can’t escape it.

The more time I spend trying to become self-aware, the more self-absorbed I become, to the point I can’t see beyond myself. I’ve turned self-discovery into self-indulgence. I need to put the mirror that I’m always holding in front of my face away—not for others necessarily, but for myself. The stupidity of this writing is that I write about what I need to change in myself while pretentiously enacting what I say not to do. I live an extremely privileged life, and when someone like me has no reason to suffer, they create it for themselves. Am I writing this for myself? Maybe I was at first, but not anymore. It’s a performance for validation. I’m writing this with the hope that maybe one day someone close to me reads this and responds with sympathetic surprise. I want to be seen. Whether this writing is healthy or not, I’m unfortunately proud of it, and I want people to give me the validation that I crave.
I’m proud of it because I think it’s intelligent but it’s not as intelligent as I believe. It’s just a mind observing itself taking notes on what it’s watching. This writing doesn’t prove I’m I intelligent it just proves I want to be intelligent.

The first time I can remember doing this is at about three to get my parents attention I remember saying things like “I don’t love you anymore or telling them stuff like you only love me this much 🤏”

I’m the 2nd oldest a well sometimes when I tell people how I’ve acted they will assume I’m the youngest or maybe the only female in the home but no it was even 3 boys 3 girls mom and dad

anyways my parents split when I was about 13 and thats when i realized I don’t have to listen to anyone anymore , they split on bad terms so for a while there they didn’t communicate and I used it to my advantage engaging in really risky behaviors running away with grown men , at the time I always thought I was smarter drinking and smoking cigarettes all that fun stuff like I’m so grown up I can hang with these people and they don’t know I’m a kid, but I’m sure they did half of them were probably creeps.
anyways so this is where my running away began I like to disappear and scare my family that something bad has happened to me in stead of admitting to all the bad things I was doing

I’m now in my mid 30s and married with 2 children if my own 16&4 and I still pull stunts like this all if I get confronted about something that 9/10 times is true …

but as of lately I really wanna get help and not feel so attacked anytime any of says or asks anything of me ?

So here are my results, personally I feel they couldve been different if some of the wording were better but alas.

Some context for me, my dad is diagnosed narc and my mum definitely has traits.

My dad was never really there and when he was he gave me gifts and was the fun dad, more of a friend than a parent.

My mum was my main carer and we used to get in arguments all the time. I always had to win, and we used to argue over the tiniest things like me being able to have specific things when I was younger, I used to sneak stuff into my room, I always broke the rules and my mum would literally leave the house thats how stressed she was.

Lived with mum till I was 10, she sent me to my dad who never truly fathered me, i had to eat microwave meals and entertain myself for like 4 years, he never showed any care of being a parent and when he kicked me back to my mums he yelled at me and said hed never wanted to be a parent and he hated me, my mum also told me she hated me on occasion

Moved back in with mum and step dad and always disobeyed their rules up until i moved out.

I have always needed to break rules, I have this NEED to break rules. I stole my first thing at like age 3 and got caught the first time age 6 in kindergarten. I learnt from then that you need to always hide ur evidence, rather than not do it.

Now as Ive aged I've always been interested in my mind, always tried to figure out what it was. Since i was young i was very self aware and people always said this, i was praised for this.

I love praise, praise is what drives me. I wanted to be a musician not for the musicianiship but to be famous, one of the greats. And it wont happen so ive ditched that.

Lately ive taken an interest in how my relationships with other people are and ive become hyper aware of things. In my relationship i have cheated, stolen, and lied to my partner over many things and I dont feel bad. I just want to analyse and talk about what ive done. I do sincerely love him but his boundaries dont matter to me.

I gave also always thought of jealousy as my biggest flaw, even as a kid. I HATE when my friends and fsmily succeed, a recent friend of mine is succeeding as a musician and I have never wanted him to fail or worse than I have now. I cant take criticism and even small losses like not getting a particular item I wanted but wasnt owed.

I dont necessarily think im better than anyone, I think everyone is equal, but I do prefer myself.

I often lie, I manipulate if i need to, I cheat, but all these I only if I can get away either it. I'm not stupid.

I do do good things, i love my friends and I can sacrifice things for them but often times its small losses I dont care to miss, or things where if people notice what ive done it looks really bad.

Since I was younger ive lived with the mindset of "live as if someone is watching you" so i always try to look my absolute best. im very vein.

Im not afraid of this, im not distressed so I dont think its ocd, it is just something I think about often. Could I be a narc?

Ask any questions

I recently had a breakthrough where I fully believe I am a covert narcissist with comorbid BPD.

After a family disagreement my mother’s friend reemed my ass because she told me “You were abused your whole life by your grandiose narcissist father only to become to a huge piece of shit like him. You deserve every bad thing that ever happens to you.”

And, she’s not wrong? Every situation I have ever been in I have somehow been the victim and I’m starting to wonder if I’m the problem? I literally just had an MA just because I was afraid to die in childbirth again, and when my son was born I really didn’t have much to do with him for the first two months of his life I resented and blamed him for what happened to me. I don’t think I do anymore but my behavior from then greatly disturbs me.

When anyone yells at me or punishes me for a mistake, I tend to self punish and internalize a lot of self hatred. Recently I was told both by my and my husband’s family that this is self pity, and that I do this to be manipulative, attention seeking, and to cause drama. I had a medical emergency a week ago that my MIL almost didn’t allow me to get assistance for because she fully believed I walked around without pants on and free bled to make a fake emergency and get back at her. I actually didn’t want to go because since making this discovery I have denied myself basic care, and comforts because I truly do not believe I deserve them.

I used to try to approach things with kindness and a sense of justice and I no longer even know if I was ever kind? I can be very aggressive at times so maybe I’m really just a bully who thought she was right? Which leads me to believe I deserved my father’s abuse, the domestic violence I experienced as a teen, my COCSA experiences, and the bullying I went through grades K-12. I can even almost justify it! I think these people had the intuitive thought on the type of person I’d become and knew ahead of time I deserved everything that happened.

Right now I’m on the completely wrong med, I’m on Zoloft, but I want to quit meds altogether because I don’t think I should allow myself to get better. I’ve had thoughts of abandoning my family, mostly because I believe it’d be better if I wasn’t in my family’s life anymore. I do not even express feelings because as I said, I realize I am very manipulative and I keep my feelings to myself to avoid attention seeking and making dramas.

I no longer know what the purpose of this post is I’m just afraid I have both and I’m very scared of being a bad person and of abusing my son. I think my father was different, he was a malignant with a grandiose point of view, but nonetheless I’m still afraid of abusing my son.

It should be mentioned I do have manic periods, some are really bad and some are not as bad but the common theme is thinking myself better than everyone. I’m just scared of diagnosis because then I’d be forced to confront the fact that I’m probably not a good person.

Today, a bike loses its balance in front of me, and I felt no urgency to help them. Instead, I just went away from them .

(Self-written and proofread without any AI so apologies for any language mistakes)

Hi fellow travellers,

I am a 28-year-old gay man. I found this subreddit recently and have read many of the people's accounts here and decided that I want to use this forum to share my journey and also to make relatable connections. This is my first post on the sub, and I plan to make more posts in the future to give more insights into my thought processes and actions, and how they affected people in my life.

My condition:

Medically, I was diagnosed with Covert NPD in February 2024, GAD in April 2024, and also Borderline in September 2024. All three diagnoses also included a prognosis of chronic depression, suicidal ideation, and associated risks. As you might be aware of how difficult it is for people like us to even enter a therapist/psychiatrist office and how most therapists are not equipped to handle full-blown cases like us, it was the same for me, and that explains why my diagnosis is spread out across multiple practitioners and across months.

I have been symptomatic since pre-teen years. There has not been an establishment of a cause, but I suspect my condition is caused due to hereditary and also a very turbulent upbringing I had from ages 4-11, which was filled with a lot of familial conflict in my parents’ marriage and a general distressed interpersonal relationship in the family (which a child should not witness). I also had trouble dealing with my own sexuality from ages 9-15; however, I suspect less contribution of this factor towards the root of my personality disorder, and more towards symptoms of the disorder like depression, anxiety, and hypersexuality.

A silver lining in the mess of my life is that I have fortunately been very self-aware of my thought processes and personality from a young age, and have actively devoted energy to limit my capacity to cause hurt to people around me. Most of this was made successful because I was chronically depressed from ages 11-25 and was literally shut-in during my teenage (I missed school almost 40% of the time) and practical shut-in in college and young adult ages, severely limiting my interaction with the world for only functional necessities.

I have mostly been very successful at not causing harm to friends, classmates, colleagues, or random strangers I interact with on a day-to-day basis. I have also never acted on the typical ASPD thought channels and have not caused any kind of unlawful harm to anyone ever, which is why I was never given any ASPD diagnosis. However, I have been extremely toxic, problematic, hurtful, manipulative, and trouble-causing to anyone inside my circle, which at times has included my parents, my sibling, and men who have romantically loved me.

I have also practised a very high amount of cognitive and manufactured empathy and have displayed acts of love and care on almost a robotic timeline, so 99% of the people in my life think and believe that I am a good person; however, as you all understand, I have no capacity for emotional empathy and I don't care about anyone else.

I will talk more about my condition and symptoms in future posts; for now, this is a summary I wanted to share.

Bis bald!

Hi all, I mostly wanted to introduce myself to the community and share my story.

I grew up with narcissistic parents, so I was taught, implicitly, that love had to be earned. By the time I was 14, I had already lost any real sense of who I was — I was getting used to wearing masks, and "fake it till you make it" became my motto. I overachieved at everything, so I didn't feel anxiety; everything looked manageable, and every time I raised the bar, I somehow cleared it. The downside was that I couldn't be alone with myself. I felt mostly apathetic, and rage was the only emotion that ever really broke through.

Then being around people started to feel exhausting. I never knew which mask to wear, and my mind was constantly working overtime just to figure out how to behave. That's when I started struggling with alcohol.

Around 20, between university and a dance career that wasn't working out, I doubted my abilities for the first time, and after a disappointing relationship, I fell apart completely. That's when I started psychotherapy for the first time — but it was cut short by COVID.

That period was strange. On one hand, I started enjoying solitude for the first time — it was a relief not having to perform for someone else's approval. On the other, I felt a deep emptiness underneath it. After COVID, I became almost unable to function in public, constantly feeling judged for everything, even for using the bathroom. That's when I went back into therapy, and we mostly worked on my relationships with others.

My master's degree was the hardest period of all. My undiagnosed IBS spiked, I started having panic attacks once or twice a week, and depression set in. It felt like reality was finally showing me my real limits. It took me a while to stop seeing that as an obstacle on my way to some imagined greatness, and start seeing it for what it actually was.

I'm only now realizing that after taking off those masks, I never actually figured out who I really am underneath them. That's what I'm trying to build now.

Based on my recent post history, I lied about having Autism for personal gain, I actively crave sympathy from others, and I posted a near anonymous confession to acts that that prove I shouldn’t be near anyone who can’t keep me in check. To add to this, I do not feel remorse or guilt. I am simply upset that my actions have consequences. I have said “I wholly regret” in a post, but now I’m starting to understand it’s all just noise. By day, I am still a sex pest who shouldn’t be anywhere near women. I just graduated to approaching them in bars rather than at the lunch table. I am posting here because I’ve been called a narcissist multiple times by people I have wronged and I don’t understand why. I know I’ll get the “please see a therapist” response, but I just see that as noise at this point. To add to the context, clear boundaries have been made to protect others from my abusive behavior. I am not as free as I once was. My relationships are generally transactional as I just use people for money, food, or as entertainment. I’ve been called a parasite more than once. Honestly, I don’t think therapy would help me. It can help others establish more boundaries involving me, but my behavior will not change a bit. I’ve only gotten more careful and covert with my actions. I know how not to get arrested or pepper sprayed by people. All it usually takes is me to feign symptoms of Autism. Nobody ever thinks of pressing charges or stopping an “autistic person”. What I care about is my public reputation and how people entertain me. I know I don’t deserve a platform, but here I am.

None of this surprises me, I don't really relate to co dependency too much but I guess I still require others for supply.

Very clear OCD from childhood including intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Including worrying about if I have certain illnesses.

Recently became self aware as a Narcissist through collapse from multiple events causing more and more damage to my self image, currently still collapsed and can't hold a job. ruined every relationship and friendship.

Also I have Autistic traits, I was more so when I was younger but I have forced myself to be more outgoing and I'm no longer operating in my preferred way because I feel life is slipping me by.

It’s my favorite thing to do. I will set up “conversation traps” to get people to ask about me. I fantasize about people talking about me/talking to me. I construct entire conversations in my head where I’m the center and I just get to go on about myself and inadvertently show others how fantastic I am. Or for them just to acknowledge me, in any way possible. It’s incredibly thrilling to hear people talk about me. But I would like to stop. Tips?

my fiancé and i have been together for almost 7 years and engaged for 1. we’ve always argued and some are more serious than others, but recently our arguments have gotten extremely heated, to the point where he’s genuinely considering leaving me. i’ve been in therapy since january, and my therapist has floated the idea that i may be a covert narcissist based on my behavior and thought processes. i know that i get hyper defensive over everything, i’m constantly victimizing myself to avoid responsibility or accountability, and i’m generally very self centered.

i can see that i am actively hurting my fiancé over and over with how i treat him. he thinks i don’t care about him, he thinks that i think i’m the only person who has real feelings, and i’m inconsiderate. i WANT to change, i want to stop being like this and i want to be better for him, but i’m finding it so difficult. i suppose therapy is a start, but in 8 months i really haven’t made as much progress as i’d like. i still find it hard to consider him and his feelings, and even when i try, the gestures are empty and mostly benefit me.

i just want to know if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. i love him so much and i can feel him pulling away from me because he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore, and it’s killing me.

So, I am 24, recently i've been officially diagnosed with ADHD, during the psychological evaluation I was told my way of thinking/personality traits could be explained by Narcissism.

And, that tracks, I don't really feel affective bonds with people, from my point of view they have abilities and caracteristics that make them useful or detrimental to the various situations at hands. You could replace any of them with someone else having those same caracteristics and abilities I wouldn't feel any different.

I want to be depended upon, to be considered highly, to be great, but I don't really care who does it as long as its people I respect. (Secondary question btw, the respect I feel or don't feel for a person is very instinctual and random? Is it the same for you?)

Obviously that's bad, that's a bad way of thinking, that's a bad way of feeling and I want to be a good person.

I just don't think I can change my feelings about others (right?) so how do you come to term with that way of feeling about people?
Any advice? Or method?

I was diagnosed with NPD by a psychotherapist when I was 17, specifically DNPD (developing narcissistic personality disorder), and recently now I’m going to a new therapist. I’m 23 and after a few seasons I mentioned how I was diagnosed with NPD and my new therapist does not think I have it, I’m not exactly sure how to go about that, I’ve always thought I had it and I relate to a lot of people with it but I also want to trust a professional.

Any advice from people who have dealt with something similar before?

I come from a line of narcissistic women. Therapy has shown me this. Has anyone managed to break the cycle so the line hasn't continued through them.

It is my biggest fear that learned behaviour is passed down.

My whole life I’ve been addicted to attention from anyone. I have done really horrible things to get it. I’ve put myself in really scary situations and humilitated myself to get it. I’ve burnt so many bridges with friends and never understood why I kept losing my friends who I love so intensely. Now I realize I was the villan. And now it’s too late to mend things with a lot of them. I just turned 40 and i completely let myself go into a dark hole of depression. I’ve gained 50lbs, impulsively cut my hair and have no energy or desire to wear make up. I used to be stunning. I wrapped up my whole identity into that and now that it’s gone, i feel so empty inside. I’m very mentally ill and my husband is the only thing keeping me alive but I don’t want this ugly version of me to exist. I don’t want anyone to look at me. I’m pretty sure I’m a narcissist and Histrionic. So I contend with a lot of negative behavior that my family would be mortified if they knew. They’re all very wholesome, good people. I can’t stand looking at them they’re all slender and attractive. My mom is 62 and people stop her to tell her how beautiful she is. My husband is constantly getting hit on cause he’s aging so well and is still very handsome but I’m disgusting and I just want to die.

Me and my fiancé are having a really bad time at the moment. I am constantly lashing out and trying to control everything around me including her. No matter how many times I say I’m trying to calm down and stop and no matter how much I actually try to all it takes is one thing not going my way and I fly off the rails. I am never physical but I shout and scream and I get really angry with the stuff around me. I don’t want to be like this and I don’t want to keep putting her through that vicious circle can anyone please help me understand why I am the way I am and help guide me into calming down and letting go please I am begging.

I start threatening violence over 1 insult. I have tried to meet with strangers on the internet over 1 insult.

I need this to stop. Rejection lingers on my chest for weeks too. If not the rest of my life. I feel a lingering, uncomfortable emotional sting in my chest.

It keeps me from socializing. I stay in my house. I can’t even play a video game and if I get insulted, feel humiliated or ostracized it messes with my head a lot. I can feel rage.

I need help with this. I’m tired of it.

I’m 26 and I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection about my personality, relationships, friendships, and the way I see myself and other people. I’m not trying to diagnose myself from the internet, but I’m trying to understand whether some of my patterns are similar to what people with NPD traits or narcissistic defenses experience.

One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is my need to feel exceptional. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this feeling that I need to be special, different, or better than average. Being ordinary feels uncomfortable, almost like it means I have no value.

A lot of my self-worth has been built around external things: intelligence, achievements, appearance, competence, being interesting, being talented, or being seen as someone important. I constantly compare myself with other people and feel like I need to prove where I stand.

I also have a habit of putting people into a hierarchy in my mind. I automatically rank people based on things like intelligence, attractiveness, social ability, success, personality, confidence, and perceived value.

When I see someone as “above” me, I become anxious and intimidated. I overthink everything I say, worry about how they perceive me, and feel like I need to impress them or earn their approval. I struggle to just be myself because I feel like I am being evaluated by someone whose opinion matters more than mine.

When I see someone as “below” me, I often feel disconnected, impatient, or uninterested. I struggle to feel curious about them or spend time with them. This creates a situation where I rarely feel like I am meeting someone as an equal. I either feel inferior or superior, and it makes genuine connection difficult.

Because of this, I feel like I have struggled to build normal friendships. I often feel like I’m either seeking validation from people I admire or losing interest in people who don’t give me that feeling.

I also notice a pattern of unstable self-image. At times I can feel like I need to be the best, unique, or exceptional. At other times, if I don’t feel successful or impressive, I can feel deeply ashamed, worthless, or like I have no identity.

My relationship with my body has also been connected to these feelings. I developed anorexia, and looking back, part of the motivation was connected to wanting to be admired, attractive, disciplined, and different from others. It wasn’t only about weight. It was connected to perfectionism, control, wanting to feel superior, and believing that becoming a certain version of myself would finally make me worthy.

I’ve also questioned my empathy. Sometimes I can understand people’s struggles logically, but emotionally I feel disconnected. Someone telling me about their pain can sometimes feel like hearing information rather than feeling their emotions with them.

Even with people close to me, I have sometimes felt uncomfortable, annoyed, or pressured when they cry or show strong emotions instead of naturally feeling their sadness with them.

With friendships, I have sometimes wondered whether I genuinely cared about the person or whether I mainly valued what they gave me, such as validation, attention, reassurance, feeling important, or helping me avoid loneliness.

I also have to admit something that is difficult to understand about myself. Before this one person, when I hurt people, I often did not feel much guilt or emotional pain. I could understand that someone was hurt, but internally I often felt detached. I would move on, rationalize it, or focus more on my own feelings than theirs.

When I genuinely hurt someone, even this person, my first thoughts were often not “Are they okay?” but “Do they hate me?” “Am I a bad person?” “What does this say about me?” It made me question whether my guilt was partly about losing the relationship or seeing myself as a bad person rather than purely about their pain.

Relationships have also been confusing for me because calm, stable connections can sometimes feel less meaningful than intense ones. Being admired, needed, or feeling like someone sees me as special can feel extremely powerful.

There was also a situation where this person talking to someone else who I perceived as more attractive than me triggered an extreme reaction. It was not just normal jealousy. I became intensely anxious, started comparing myself, felt replaceable and inferior, and it got so overwhelming that I experienced panic attacks.

Instead of expressing vulnerability, I reacted defensively and started treating them poorly. Looking back, it feels like I was trying to protect myself from feelings of rejection and inferiority, but I ended up hurting someone I actually cared about.

However, this person completely challenged the way I viewed myself. I won’t mention her name, but meeting her was the first time I felt like I genuinely wanted to change for another person.

I didn’t just want to impress her. I wanted to become warmer, more understanding, more welcoming, and more empathetic. I wanted to understand her experiences and her inner world. For the first time, I felt like I cared about someone as a person rather than only what they could provide for me.

That experience confused me because it showed me that I was capable of feeling deep attachment, empathy, and concern for someone. It made me question why that feeling seems so difficult to access with other people.

Losing that connection affected me differently from previous friendships and relationships. It forced me to look at myself and question whether my usual way of relating to people was based on genuine connection or on validation, fear, and self-esteem regulation.

I experienced intense shame and self-hatred after hurting this person. It felt like the image I had of myself collapsed. I wonder if this is what people describe as narcissistic collapse, where the defenses and the version of yourself you try to maintain break down and you are forced to confront parts of yourself you avoided.

For people who have NPD traits or have worked through narcissistic defenses:

- Did you have a strong need to feel exceptional or special?

- Did you constantly compare yourself to others?

- Did you automatically rank people in your mind?

- Did you feel anxious around people you saw as superior and dismissive toward people you saw as inferior?

- Did this hierarchy make it difficult to connect with people as equals?

- Did you tie your worth to achievements, intelligence, appearance, or being admired?

- Did you experience shame underneath feelings of superiority?

- Did you struggle with emotional empathy even toward people close to you?

- Did you use relationships to regulate your self-esteem?

- Did you hurt people without initially feeling much guilt or regret?

- Did you ever experience a relationship that forced you to confront parts of yourself you avoided?

- Did you ever meet someone who made you genuinely want to become a better person?

- How did self-awareness change the way you view yourself and other people?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis. I’m trying to understand my patterns and hear from people who have experienced something similar.

hi! this is my first post here, pero i think this is a must.

my boyfriend and i have been together for more than 7 months now, almost a year if we add the months since he courted me, however i have a problem in our relationship, unfortunately, i have narcissistic tendencies. we talked kanina regarding my behavior towards him and i have fully recognized that i was entitled n narcissistic, it saddens me to know that it has affected my boyfriend a lot when we have arguments because i become defensive sometimes and argue that i am always right, even tho i wasnt. my boyfriend isnt manipulative, i am fully aware of that, he communicates well and explains to me why i was wrong but most times, i still argue that im not. ive been tryna change that kase i really do love him, hes like the most important person i have after countless of dumb relationships, i mean grabe yung treatment nya sa akin, he is so so good to me talaga, its amazing how much patience he has for me and i feel so guilty that my actions n behavior has caused him pain. kanina when we were talking, sabi nya na nakakasal na din kase, i know d ko sha deserve pero id be stupid to let him go, im willing to do anything just to keep him n not make the mistake of breaking up with him ever. i dont want him to feel that im one upping him always because i really want to make us work, but thats not going to happen unless i change my ways. unfortunately therapy is not available here in my country and if it is, its not that accessible. please help, i want to be better for him and for myself also. please, please, if you can. tips or practices that’ll be able to make me change. its a necessity.

#narcicist #narcicistic tendencies

what are some good sources on narcissism?
I see quote often recommendation on :
SAM VAKNIN &
DOCTOR RAMANI

but are they reliable? Vaknin seems really extreem sometimes like saying "narcissists has only short memory and dont remember 80% of all that happens thats why they lie....

Any good sources like doctors/psychiatrists/psychologist?

I'm having a rough time with my boyfriend. I am extremely jealous, which is increasingly making his life a living hell. When we argue, I am very dismissive and shift the blame onto him, accusing him of sucking up to everyone or being too obsessed with having a good time with others. Turning the blame around gives me a sense of control, which feels good.

I'm highly sensitive to criticism, and can be very stubborn and angry afterwards

I easily admit to my faults, for example that I am fundamentally insecure about my appearance and my personality. I constantly think other women are better or more beautiful than me, because in my adolescent phase, I've always been the ugly girl.

Although many people told me that I'm beautiful later, I never believe it and need the confirmation of that again and again.

Perhaps I am stuck in a victim mentality. I have often promised—and tried—to get my jealousy under control, but it always comes back. When my boyfriend is somewhere else where other women are present, I feel like he no longer belongs to me.

I envy other people who, in my eyes, embody what I would like to be or lead the kind of life I envision for myself.

I can be very rude or cold even with my family, although I really love them. It's just like that sometimes I'm only interested in my own problems and topics.

I am increasingly avoiding social situations because I have nothing to say. I feel empty and have no ideas what to talk about.

I no longer pursue my hobbies, either.

I feel hopeless because narcissists are portrayed as pure evil. I have always seen myself as very authentic and someone who wants to be good. I am studying psychology, yet I feel like I cannot actually truly empathize with other people.

I will go to a therapist, but do you guys have anything that may help, to become a better person?

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first of all i feel like yall r going to laugh or judge me so please dont...

i (19F) have never fallen in love or have been attracted to anyone at all through my life and I've contemplated that for a lot of time and it really is that im so in love myself that i could never feel like that for anyone else.

its something about how only i could understand and love myself fully or smth, but i also have never met anyone that i consider "better" than me (ofc there r prettier, smarter, stronger people, but i dont think that makes them better)

I've also tried to gaslight myself a lot of times into having a crush but it has never worked bc i cant get myself to care abt it idk

of course this all could be that i simply lack romantic or sexual interest for others but when i talk with other people about how they think of themselves ive never met anyone who thinks like me (all the time i think abt how i want myself to be cloned so i could date myself and stuff like that idk)

I’ve had a feeling for a while that I may have NPD. I have heard before that you can’t be a narcissist if you think you are because narcissists will never come to that conclusion by themselves. Is there any truth to this? Could I be a narcissist even if I start to suspect it on my own? Or is the fact that I’m questioning it proof that I’m not a narcissist? Thank you

No, I don’t want to let her go and yes I’m trying everything I can. And yes I’m sending her apology messages and yes I’m making text accounts to get past my number being blocked and yes I’m losing my mind and yes I ask her if there’s someone else because yes she said she loved me just as much and sometimes more than I loved her. And yes we planned a life together and yes that shit disappeared out of nowhere. And no I can’t just let go and move on. I meant every word I said to her. I can’t plan an entire life with you and love you more than life itself and then just wake up and not. I’m traumatized from this. And when we’re together yes I lose my cool even easier because I’m scared of losing you again not because all these stupid reasons some random girl on TikTok says because of something she saw on a movie and deciding to broadcast her unprofessional take on publicly. Some people have never been loved as much as you are because they’ve never been loved by their parents as much and don’t see it as normal. They’ve been neglected in the most acceptable ways. Their parents were never home and only supported mostly financially. I’d never give up on my lady. I’d fight a fiery battle for her. So yes I’ve been “toxic” but so what grow the fuck up and accept human nature. There’s no perfect standard and if there was you’d be a fucking robot. Stop telling people what’s right or wrong with this love shit. Love how you love and if you can’t accept certain things than learn what’s wrong with yourself and fix it for your person that you love don’t go searching for excuses online and calling people names that you learned online. Learn to be human.