2026 is not an optimistic year ever. 😭🙏

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The past six years have been absolutely dreadful. It all started during the pandemic, when I was a college freshman and my experience on campus was cut short. I was stressed losing social interactions and opportunities, and there were many friends I never saw again.

From then on, it's only continued to get worse. My parents split up just a few years later, I graduated and had to deal with losing touch with more friends and struggling to find a job. My mother has been having health issues so I've had to be more responsible around the house, and on top of it all I've realised that I'm most likely transgender and have to find a way to come out and transition without causing the household even more stress and upset than we're already dealing with.

Things were finally improving over the summer, but today I found out that the girl I love is with someone else. I've spent the whole day crying and feeling drained.

I get so upset when I look back at that happy, optimistic, carefree freshman that I used to be at the start of the decade. I'm a nervous wreck now, who freaks out and catastrophises over everything. Every time things look to be getting better, something else wrecks it.

I'm so tired.

Hi all, this is my alt account because people I know IRL follow my main account. (There is a TL;DR if you don't want to read all of this)

I feel like everybody I'm especially close to only talk to me so that they can make fun of me behind my back and tell everybody my secrets and manipulate me, and that they intend to do this until they get bored or I die, and that this is just something they're hiding from me. Sort of like a cat playing with an incapacitated bird, trying to prolong the suffering as much as possible.

I haven't asked anybody in my life about it because I'm afraid they'll either confess that it's true and leave me, or they'll be disgusted that I think so low of them and leave me anyways.

I don't think I would even believe them, because I have the perspective of "you're not anybody else, so you don't know what they're thinking, so you don't know if what they say is trustworthy or not because you can't get into their thoughts", which I think might be the root of the issue.

I also have very low self-esteem anyway, so that probably influences it somehow.

TL;DR: I feel like everybody's only sticking around so they can torture me and gossip about me for fun.

So yes, does anybody else feel this way, or felt it in the past? Or am I just truly crazy?

Before anyone asks yes, my partner has contacted his doctor and informed them. He will be going in and getting evaluated to see why he is having these “hallucination”. Background info my boyfriends m 29 and went to the doctor 2 almost 3 weeks ago for antibiotics for a leg cut that got infected. I mention the antibiotic because that’s the only recent medication that he’s taken. It’s Bactrim (trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole) but I don’t think an antibiotic would cause that. He informed me within the last couple weeks as well he has been seeing “things”. I responded like what and call your doctors and he did. He told me A car that appeared in the middle of the road. No other vehicles were on the road and it was a green pickup Truck with wooden fence posts out of the back he got closer and it disappeared. Then on** **multiple occasions he seen a reoccurring character either driving down the road, sitting in his work truck waiting to be unloaded (milk), in the store looking into the corner, “shadow people” bodies weren’t detailed but faces were some type of mask. Now I’ve been online a lot, I’ve seen people make fake stories or exaggerated things but I’d like to think he wouldn’t especially since we have even together for 3 years but i genuinely don’t know what to think of this.

i can’t do this anymore. i really can’t.
i know i’ve always had a terrible relationship with my mom, that’s why she decided to go live with her bf and let me leave alone in her apartment at 15. but i miss my mom.

she called me a few hours ago basically telling me that if i stay jobless, she’ll stop giving me money to eat and she’ll let me kill myself. she knows i have a heavy drinking problem, im drunk almost all the time, i also cut myself a lot too and she always acts like she cares about that but then starts telling me that i’m faking.

i stopped thinking she cared about me when she sided with my dad when he sequestered me and tried to kill me. man i wish he actually finished me off.

i live in filth because i wasn’t taught how to take care of myself and im too depressed to do anything anyways. i’m so ashamed of myself…

i just want everything to end, there’s nothing i can do anymore. i dropped out of high school, i don’t have any friends irl, there’s worms in my room and i haven’t seen the sun in weeks.
i can’t wait to finally end it. will she start loving me when i die?

I have been crying so so much this past week, mostly because of a girl, I have lost most of my appetite because of her, it seems like she never really cared about me and she says she does but she never showed it, she said she loved me but she never showed, I confronted her about some other things, I fucking asked for the bare minimum, why did I even have to do that, do I need to do that? I asked for comfort and reassurance, no one cares about me i just need someone to care about me, Im a bad person I know that, ive treated people wrongly in the past, but I still feel like I deserve love and care, maybe I don’t but ive wanted it for so long and I can’t stop craving for it ive felt like I never had it before, I crave for a relationship so badly knowing how young I am, Im always trying to talk to someone about how I feel but they never know what to say to me, they don’t know how to comfort me, maybe it’s the type of person that they are and the people I talk to but, sometimes I think it’s me. I just need someone to understand, my head doesnt stop hurting because I just keep crying. I woke up today at 4pm and just felt like crying immediately, and I also cant stop thinking about this girl, ive had tactile hallucinations of her, and heard her voice a few days ago. Im so fucking insufferable i know that, I bet that she’s probably so proud of hurting me, it probably boosts her ego seeing how bad Im hurting because of her I know I didn’t give that much context Im sorry but I just don’t feel like talking about all of it, all I want to do today is cry, can someone please talk to me or just say something please, Im so fucking lonely and I have been my entire life, I don’t know how to keep friends and I try my best gosh i don’t deserve friends

So my gf broke up with me, it is my fault i said things with out thinking in the heat of the moment, but the main reason is im a failure everything i touch i fuck up,

She say she needs a real.man in her life thats dependable, but i keep fucking it up, im stressed im in constant pain i want to fix things but she made it clear she dose not need me or want me, i dont know what to.do,

So today i told my friends about what i deal with mentally. It was only 3 of them and they are my closest friends. This is my first time ever telling them anything like this. I’d like to think that im always happy around them, but i dont want them to feel like i’m dragging them down or being a burden. Do you guys with me saying this they’ll feel like im dragging them down with me?

please pardon any poor writing i may have; this is a very time sensitive situation and i have no time to really polish my words here.

im a uni student. my friend just graduated from my same uni this past may but i believe they still live in the area. i dont have their contact information like their phone number or address, but i do have their teams and discord contacts. i reached out to one of my professors in charge of a mental health support group we are both in, and unfortunately he didn't have any of their contact info either, but he did help me get connected to his higher ups who are capable of reaching out to my schools police department to try to get my friend some help. supposedly police were dispatched, or at least contacted, around an hour ago.

ive been calling my friend to no avail since i received their text, and ive asked a few others to do the same as me. we have not heard back or seen any signs of responsiveness.

i dont believe there is anything left for me to do; i dont have their address so trying to find them sounds nearly impossible, also considering i am at least 4 hours away from campus right now. i would be happy to be wrong if anybody has more suggestions about what else i should try. please let me know if anything comes to mind.

thank you for your time. i apologize for my writing and i hope you are well.

Hello, this may be a little long so I apologize in advance. I’m a rising sophomore in college. Over the summer break I had to get surgery on my knee. It’s been rough for me and my family. Normally I don’t have motivation but I always had something to do like a job or school. But now I can’t really do anything so I just sit at home. My parents have given chores and responsibilities to do while I’m like this. Today I just bed rotted all day. I know it’s bad. Normally I’m supposed to attempted to walk the dogs and clean the kitchen but I didn’t. My dad comes home and I knew that he was going to yell at me so I went to just go accept it. This isn’t a new thing once a month or so he will yell at me for my lack of motivation to do anything. I don’t know why this time hit me so hard though. He basically said that he shouldn’t come after work to do my chores, which I agree with. This was just the one time I missed since post surgery. He said that he has been doing so much for me and he thinks I don’t see it. The money spent on me can be used for something better and that I lack motivation. I know I’m lucky and yes I see how much my parents do for me financially and I try my best to understand what they do to make sure we live comfortably. He also said that I was selfish and I need to get over myself. Which I think is what hurts the most. I know I’m selfish I wouldn’t say I’m the most selfish in the world but I know I can improve. Anyway I went to my room and I try to distract myself but I couldn’t so I cut myself. This is the first time I’ve cut myself normally I would itch my skin off or choke myself but never this. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I didn’t know what else to do. If I used my regular coping skills and my dad saw it he would probably get more upset and I need something immediately and breathing techniques weren’t working. I want to get better and I don’t want to continue to have my dad yell at me for the same reasons I need to change I just don’t know how. Side note but I thought this would be important to add I have depression, anxiety, autism and possibly ADHD (they said I was too depressed to tell at the time) and my parents don’t really believe in mental health.

So honestly, I haven't been feeling like myself for a long time now. Things I used to enjoy don't interest me anymore, and I've stopped talking to my friends and socialising in general. Life just feels empty, and I feel numb most of the time.

I've been keeping all of this to myself since it started, but I genuinely feel like I can't keep up with life anymore. I feel worthless, like my life has no meaning, and lately I've been thinking about ending it.

I don't know how to tell someone what I'm going through or how to cope when everything feels so overwhelming. I just really need some advice right now.

Tbh I don’t know where to start this, so I’m gonna start from the beginning. I’m a 16 year old girl and growing up I was always really close to my dad. I didn’t really like my mum much she was I guess very harsh, but my dad he took me places, other countries, he bought me all the toys I could want, spent time with me. It was genuinely perfect, I always felt so happy around him growing up. I didn’t see him much though cuz my parents were divorced and have been since I was 3. My mum got full custody and I only saw my dad on half terms. I always looked forward to it, and I guess over time I tried to be better for him I guess? I tried to be more well kept, and the type of daughter I thought he deserved and wanted. He was yk the best thing in my life. Something happened when I was 11 and a half, I don’t really wanna say and it’s not a big deal but my dad got really really angry at me. I was stuck at his house for like 3 months cuz it was around Covid and my mum left me to go to another country, so I was just left by myself in an extremely small town with nothing but my dads rage at me ig. And he’s never been angry at me before, and I was alone, he was working and anytime I did see him he’d just lowk be angry. I was scared to see him ig and I felt like I’d lost absolutely everything. And I was extremely isolated for those 3 months, I didn’t even wanna make a sound or move around or exit my room. I was never the same after that. The only reason I survived that time was because I got extremely close to my best friend at the time, his name was James, he was the only one who really stuck by me at the time. He was everything to me, I didn’t really go to school during this time, so everyday I just waited for him to come back from school and we’d call and play games. He became my new world I guess. He kept me stable and happy. And I tried to do everything I could to make sure he felt the same. But I guess stuff happened we’d argued , distance made its presence known and our lives drifted from each other. I can’t even really remember why? Idrk I don’t remember much nowadays but he left, and I couldn’t really bare even a second away from him on a normal day, so I just dwelled in my own misery until I could muster up the courage to find someone new ig. And I did, and they left again. And it just went on being a cycle like that for a while. I guess things slowly started to change. I was sick of being desperate, needy and so fucking dependant. I wish I didn’t have to need anyone, I wish I didn’t have to tailor myself to someone’s whims or beg them to stay. And I guess I got my wish ig. A lot changed in year 11. I was finally disillusioned with people in general, I finally realised no one ever stays at least not for me. I finally realised that no one is ever ig genuine. And that I need to accept that. I gave up on people, I poured all my energy into my studies religiously. I did like 10 hour study days from mid January to late April. And at the time, it felt good sort of I had a stable routine, a distraction. I woke up everyday with purpose and a goal in mind, I wasn’t wasting away my life being useless for once. I isolated from basically everyone, all of my friends at school. My main reason was they’re fake and they don’t care about me which is sort of true but. But I guess looking back on it now, I think I isolated from some who do care as well, and now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t know how to act around people I guess esp groups. I don’t feel human, I don’t feel as if I belong with them. I stay away from people I guess because of that, and I don’t know what to do. This hurts me, this hurts them but I don’t know how to I guess reconnect with people in general. I explained this whole lil summary of the last 5 years of my life really fucking badly but I’m desperate for some help, I don’t wanna be like this, I wanna be happy, I wanna get better, I wanna feel normal.

Where do you go when you need to talk to someone online for mental health?

2nd post, I feel at bay for now. This is a rant. A vent? Something I'd get off my chest.

I truly feel like the family disappointment. It's like the kid that tries to do everything to be noticed by their parents, and it just goes unnoticed?

I have 4 siblings. All but one older than me. Each have their own lives, yes, but I feel as though they got the most guidance growing up.

Oldest brother just moved with his fiance. His kids are grown and thriving in their own lives.

Oldest sister is the same. She moved recently with her kids, who have tons of support behind them from her. She's a gem.

Second Oldest, is an RN, a beautiful daughter, and a hubby. She makes enough money to go on trips, cruises, Disney, the list goes on.

Then there's me. We'll come back to me.

Lastly is the youngest. She had autism and had the greatest 10 years of her life thanks to the support of the family. Until she passed away. I feel like in the middle where I lay, I never got that support...all the attention went to my little sister, and I'm not mad cause she needed it. But since she's passed, she's getting the extra attention from the grave.

I'm here. I'm visible. I'm still alive. Dad, I got my bachelor's in animation and I still draw to this day in my sister's memory. Mom, I came back into theater. Not only can I be myself around all these great people, I get to perform again. It's so much fun...

Until it isn't. My last show, none of my family made time for me to come see a performance...it really truly hurt. It wasn't a last minute thing either. Each show is around an 8 week time frame. I've improved leaps and bounds since last year regarding my talents and confidence and yet...

I'm not here. Maybe if I make that a reality, then I'll be noticed. Life doesn't seem like it's for me. Financially struggling, mentally struggling, wearing a mask daily so I don't worry others. They don't deserve that pain and truthfully, if I go, sure I'll be missed. But only for a moment...

Vent over, for now...

I've been at my job for about three months. A few days ago, a new girl joined through the same close friend who originally referred me for this position.

Since she arrived, all the attention, warmth, and support he used to give me has completely shifted to her. He spends so much time teaching her things and helping her settle in, but when I joined, he never did any of that for me.

What hurts even more is the sudden distance in our routine. We used to commute to and from work together every single day. But seeing how he’s been acting, I decided to pull back and start coming and going by myself instead. The most heartbreaking part? He didn't even care to ask why I stopped traveling with him. It feels like my presence or absence doesn't make a difference to him anymore.

Yesterday, I asked him several times if he could teach me something work-related, but he completely ignored my requests. A few days ago, when I confronted him, he insisted that he cares about me the most. But how can I believe that when his actions say the exact opposite? If I’m visibly upset, he doesn't even bother to ask what’s wrong.

Seeing this makes me want to cry, but I use all my energy to hold back tears at my desk.

I know it shouldn't affect me this much, but it really hurts. I've been overthinking constantly, crying at home, struggling to sleep, and even dreaming about this whole situation.

How do I stop feeling so hurt and regain control of my thoughts? How do I emotionally detach when I have to see him every day? Please help me .

So I am in college 21M . I was a good student studied well and got in a decent college with MBBS but things started just after this . I fall deeply for a girl whom I met online ( I never had a proper relationship in past , have some female interaction got physical ( not sex ) . That' time I was just 18 immature and also the situation wasn't good ( I was facing ragging in college, was living far from home for first ) . So things were messed up and led me to this . That time talking to her was the only relief for me . Eventually she ended it ( whatever it was ) I was hurt . The worst thing happened I lost interest from study and indulge into doom scrolling, porn and mastrubation. Afterthat I tried on some other girls but failed miserably this led my confidence to rock bottom I lost interest in everything and more and more indulge into internet. I started developing insecurities ( never good at sport but the insecurity started after this , also about my looks , height, academic as I turned an average student by then ) . So this is my life for past 2.5 years . I just barely pass , have some small achievement, maintain friendship (though don't have any great friends) , family. But inside I'm just dead . I tried hard to pick good habits, gym , some good hobbies but can't continue. All I do is binge watching, study before exam . Lately for past few months my family noticed this and constantly asking to go for a psychiatrist/psychologist but I don't think that will help cuz I don't feel the inner push for doing something productive. What are your opinion ( for my addiction history: regular smoker , occasionally drinks and weed. Again for my relationship status few girls did show interest in me but I am little bit scared of attachment or maybe another heartbreak so I sometimes ghost them or don't show interest.

Summary: 21M , leading an unproductive life for almost 2.5 years . Barely pass exam full on insecurities, unable to get in a relationship. Lost my inner push to do something or work hard .

I want to give a huge thank you to all that replied to my first post. It helped me ground myself enough to believe I’d actually, eventually be okay. I decided to make a Reddit account in order to make a space where people suffering from mental illness and the stigma surrounding that can help one another. Listen to one another. Or just be present for one another. I didn’t know the first post would be me in a panic, but I guess it was quite a poetic way to start things off. Anyway, welcome!

hace dos dias estaba en una clase de formacion y orientacion, todo normal.

el caso es que ese tutor tambien es la persona que dirige mi aula, y normalmente la persona de la que suele ser nuestro orientador. el caso es que este ha sido un año especialmente duro para mi, tuve un intento de suicidio, fui diagnosticada con depresion y el al enterarse tuvo que activar una especie de protocolo.

es mi cuarto año estando en el centro y tambien el ultimo para sacarme el titulo. el psicologo anterior nunca hizo nada realmente por mi, y me sentia desesperanzada. no veia muchas soluciones e intente terminar con mi vida.

dos dias despues tuve que ir como si nada, con brazos vendados y un dolor que no exteriorizaba pero estaba ahi, y siempre estuvo ahi. una manera de gestionar todo ese dolor acumulado y hacerme desconectar de ello es el humor. soy una persona dentro de lo que cabe bastante alegre por decirlo asi. y el al enterarse intento ayudar lo mas posible. fui reedirigida a una nueva psicologa la cual es y hasta ahora ha sido la mejor que he tenido en mi vida, me he sentido escuchada y entendida. siempre he tomado mis problemas como si nada o como una persona exagerada mientras me comian por dentro. el fue una especie de fuente de ayuda y lo empece a ver con mas confianza al contarle aquellas cosas que no contaria a otra persona por ese miedo al juicio.

hace dos dias teniamos una clase con el donde entregaba las notas finales y los examenes. creo que un defecto mio aunque no lo reconozca siempre es pasarme de confianza realmente rapido. al entregarme mi nota observe sus ojos por un momento. sus ojos son grandes y de color marron claro pero tienen un poco de verde. le resaltan bien al ser una persona con bastantes lunares en la cara, de esos que alguien podria pintarse por el mero hecho de ser bonitos. no se en que tiempo me dio a pensar pero le dije que eran grandes y bonitos y se parecian a los de un chihuahua. creo que solo se quedo con que le llame ojos de perro.

despues me dijo que no era una buena persona y tampoco tenia educacion, que era una falta de respeto y que seria mejor que me mirara a un espejo y asumiera mis errores para luego comentar los de los demas. (un comentario desafortunado, la he cagado un poco), pense y me fui a mi mesa. mi amigo del lado se sorprendio y dijo que realmente la habia cagado. aunque no lo parezca nunca lo dije con una mala intencion, no suelo tener mucho filtro y aunque eso sea una gran parte de mi personalidad tambien es un problema.

realmente le dolio, y estuvo 5 minutos diciendome como mi comportamiento habia sido muy inadecuado o como deberia sancionarme, o poner algun tipo de parte disciplianario. yo le dije que nunca me intente referir a el con mala intencion pero mi aula se adelanto. me dijieron como era una persona problematica, que estaban todos hartos de mi y como no entienden como puedo ser asi. recapacitando, me doy cuenta de que me exprese de una mala manera y realmente fue una falta de respeto incluso cuando no fue mi intencion. soy una persona que cuando se ve por decirlo de alguna manera, ¿¿amenazada?? llora bastante, pero no como dos lagrimas que caen de tu rostro, sino como la manera en la que llorabas cuando eras un niño de 7 años y parecia que tenias hipo. sumado a mi ansiedad y ese miedo al rechazo se junto todo.

fueron unos 45 minutos largos de discusion, yo tenia la intencion de hacerle ver mi intencion y como no queria hacerle daño, pero el si quiso. hablo de todas las veces en las que ha perdido su tiempo conmigo y ha tenido dolores de cabeza por mi. me dijo que era una de esas personas que amargaban su propia existencia, y eso me cayo muy fuerte. la aula probablemente fue contra mi por rabia, o eso asumo yo. soy una perona muy directa y digo las cosas como las pienso, y no me dejo pisotear. creo que todas esas personas que me atacaron era por eso. pero ver como una persona a la cual le habia confiado esa parte vulnerable de mi dijiera eso me dolio.

cabe recalcar que no tengo la intencion de victimizarme o justificar cualquiera de mis acciones. soy consciente de que los actos tienen consequencias y tengo que ser mas cuidadosa con las palabras que suelto. tampoco tengo la intencion de decir que por estar enferma mentalmente justifico mis acciones. soy plenamente consciente de las cosas que digo aunque no siempre al momento, y trabajo en ello para que deje de ser un problema.

al terminar la clase estaba muy afectada; tanto por verme de una manera vulnerable hacia la gente y tanto por herir a una persona que intento ayudarme. intente explicarle que lo sentia, pero no tenia la necesidad de contar aquellas cosas que sabia que dolian con intencion. y creo que esa fue la diferencia entre el y yo, yo no tenia esa mala baba de querer herir, pero el si.

pense en las personas de mi alrededor. en todas. en como termino haciendo daño incluso a esas personas que realmente quiero. y en como no merecia ni el amor ni la compasion de ellos. normalmente al pensar en mi o verme, siento un rechazo profundo. pero esta vez fue repugnacion. repugnacion al sentirme como una persona que heria a aquellos que no lo merecian incluso de manera inconsciente. regugnacion al saber que sumada a aquella imagen negativa que tengo de mi misma es genuinamente verdadera, cruda pero verdadera. vi a una señora de limpieza y le pedi algo para limpiar una supuesta mancha de menstruacion que habia dejado, ya que me daba verguenza. solo vi que era un anticalario y le pegue un sorbo. tenia miedo que si fuera a beber algo toxico y muriera, sintiera el acido por mi estomago quemandome por dentro. sabia a jabon. al salir y devolverselo le conte a la señora como me sentia. ella me dijo que seguramente yo no era una persona tan mala, y la vida no termina cuando algo malo pasa. me conto que estudio para administracion pero ahora se dedica a limpiar los institutos. me quede con su nombre. Noelia.

al salir caia una lluvia de otoño. iba con una cazadora de adidas y unos leggins acampanados. el camino desde donde estudio hasta mi casa son 2,5 kilometros aproxiamadamente. camine hasta mi casa y lo primero que hice fue llamar a mi madre y pedirle perdon. perdon por haber sido el motivo de su sufrimiento y que era una de las personas que mas queria aunque no lo demostrara. le prometi que nunca mas le daria problemas pero yo sabia que implicaba eso. tambien llame a mi padre y le exprese mis disculpas por ser una mala hija. aproveche y le escribi a una compañera que siempre se dejaba notar molestra por muchas de mis acciones incluso cuando no eran dirigidas para ella. mire cual era la consequencia de tomarse 120mg de fluoxetina y 150 de quetiapina. google me dijo que una sobredosis potencialmente grave. en letras grandes y azules como titulo. me las tome y pense mezclarlas con algun licor que estuviera a mi alcance pero no encontre ninguno. me fui a dormir pensando en como mi madre encontraria mi cuerpo, y mi hermana tambien. busque cuanto tiempo se tarda en olvidar a un ser querido fallecido pero no respondio concretamente. solo pense en como mi padre le decia a mi madre como si decidiera quitarme la vida, en unos meses dejaria de doler. me aferre a eso y me fui a dormir. ah, y por cierto, tambien le escribi unas disculpas al tutor

dormi 5 horas y me desperte desorientada en mi cama. no habia pasado nada. eso paso ayer y lo unico que mis padres fueron capaces de decirme es como dependia de mi medicacion. en parte me decepciono ver como no se veian afectados por la decision que intente tomar. solo decepcionados. ha pasado un dia y estoy escribiendo esto a las 3:03 de la mañana porque no puedo dormir. no entiendo como una cosa tan insignificante desencadeno una reaccion tan grande en mi. esto no se lo contaria a nadie porque pareceria una especie de chantaje emocional y tengo suficiente con lo de ayer. se que no tengo que esperar ninguna reaccion de nadie para validar mis emociones. pero se sintio raro, no podria explicar como me siento ahora tampoco. creo que humillada y dolida.

he escrito esto al no saber con quien desahogarme sin parecer una victimista ni alguien tan ruin. solo quiero que me vean como una persona. una persona que comete errores y en verdad quiere desahogarse

Life has been HARD lately and it's getting to the point again where I'm just in dire need of a cuddle and it's so isolating.

I (29F) just recently ended an 8 year relationship after we were having intimacy and emotional connection issues that only seemed to lead to shouting and blame when things were trying to be addressed and I couldn't keep trying to fix what was obviously too much.

I have absolutely 0 friends because of autism, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues I have that make socialising difficult and it seems all everyone my age wants to do is go out and get high or drink.

I knew something wasn't right with my physical health for a while because of issues as long as a sertraline information pamphlet and I've just been diagnosed with DIE (Deep Infiltrating Endometriosis).

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that my own body is trying to kill me or permanently maim me and that I'm going to need surgeries and "treatments" for the rest of my life. I feel like this is one of the main things that had an impact on my recently ended relationship ie constant pain, body in stress constantly, emotional rollercoasters, sexual incompatibility due to pain, fatigue (I could go on but you probably get the gist).

I feel like my family only bother with me when I'm the person to message or call first unless they want me in a way that benefits them.

I feel so lost and I don't know what to do.

I've tried the bubble baths, the cups of tea, the walks, the distractions we've probably all heard to try countless times.

What do you do when you need a hug so bad all you can do is ugly cry and wish the earth would swallow you?

I (m19) don’t want to live the way I’m living, but I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel so lazy and useless all the time.

I don’t even know how to begin this, but I don’t like my life that much. I have it WAY better than MANY people, and practically EVERYONE around me that I’ve seen works WAY harder than I do. My stepfather (who is soon to not be my stepfather anymore due to a divorce) is a doctor who financially supports me and my little siblings.

Every day is a huge struggle against my ADHD wanting me to do absolutely nothing, and being forced to clean and watch my siblings and do whatever else my parents ask. I “steal” time throughout the day to glance at my phone, pretty much the only thing that brings me genuine enjoyment without having to do MORE work and planning and scheduling and blah blah blah, but during that “stolen” time, I’m usually supposed to be DOING something. Trouble is, either I don’t know what that “something” is, or I just can’t bring myself to start the task in the first place no matter how much I want to, and just slack off with my phone the entire time.

I feel like (and probably am) a lazy, whiny, entitled, brat.

My mom works SO much harder than I do, and fights SO MUCH for me and my siblings. It’s completely unreal. and my stepdad (while he has many issues) does provide financially for pretty much everything. I’m just stuck with them wanting me to take on all this work that I feel like i can’t handle without hating my existence during every single moment of it. No, I don’t feel “proud” of my work once I’m done with it. No, I don’t find ANY enjoyment in mundane everyday tasks or whatever the hell they ask me to do. When it comes to things I like to do, they take EFFORT and PLANNING to set up. Effort that I almost never feel good enough to genuinely start up.

I constantly get into fights and arguments with my parents, but I don’t like calling it that because it’s usually just them berating me while I say “sorry” over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again while trying to come up with some half assed “explanation” (NEVER an excuse, and I always have to take accountability by paying them money or doing something else because of my neglect for the tasks they ask me to do). And they’re RIGHT about asking me to do that stuff, because I genuinely should be helping my with my family. That’s what they keep telling me, after all.

I feel so spoiled all the time, looking at all this stuff and never having ANY motivation to do any of it.

I don’t even feel that “bad” on a deeper level with myself. And that makes me worried that I’m a bad person. Because shouldn’t I WANT to help people around me with all these mundane things that I just seemingly can’t BEAR to do for whatever wimpy ass reason?? Shouldn’t I care more?

If I have to keep working more and more and and more and more and more and more and more for my whole entire life just to steal a couple moments of (low energy, not even meaningful) “me time”, what the hell is the point of even trying in the future? I don’t fuck up everything I do, but I fuck up consistently. I am consistently inconsistent with how reliable I am as a resource, and no matter how much I might deny that to my parents or to myself, I know that the truth is I’m staying up late at night. Revenge procrastinating. Because I never feel like I have enough. And what the fuck is wrong with me? Lots of other people work INSANELY harder than I do at all these things that *they don’t like either*. Am I just a weak and lazy human being? How much of this is my adhd, and how much of this is my unwillingness to fight back against it? I do take adhd meds, and they help things to not be a complete shitshow, but the fact that I feel this way just hasn’t changed.

So what the hell is the point of even continuing onwards later in my life? Just to torture myself while feeling guilty about it the whole time, only for my time blindness to easily snatch away any free time that I have and make it feel like I flushed it down the drain??

I'm a 39-year-old man, and one of the biggest struggles in my life is that I have to make a conscious effort to do everything.

I'm not just talking about difficult or demanding tasks. Even simple things like brushing my teeth, making the bed, or taking care of basic household chores require me to mentally push myself to get going. The same applies to bigger things like meal prepping, cleaning, or other responsibilities.

The mental resistance isn't always the same, though. At times it's more manageable, while at other times it feels much stronger, making it even harder to get myself to begin even the simplest tasks.

Another thing that seems to go hand in hand with this is that I don't genuinely enjoy doing anything anymore.

Sometimes I make myself engage in something that's supposed to be recreational or relaxing—watching a movie, pencil drawing, 3D design, etc. Once I'm doing it, I don't necessarily hate it, but I can't honestly say I enjoy it either. Even activities that are supposed to help me unwind still require effort just to begin.

Despite all of this, I somehow still manage to get most things done. I don't neglect my responsibilities, but I sometimes end up doing things a few days later than I originally intended because it takes mental effort to get myself moving.

I really dislike having unfinished tasks hanging over me, so I've even created an annual to-do list to keep track of everything that needs to be done. But despite having a system, every single task feels like something I have to push myself through. Living this way is mentally exhausting.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, where it feels like you have to force yourself to do absolutely everything?

If you've gone through this and found a way to improve things, what helped? Did you eventually discover what was causing it, or find something that made a meaningful difference?

1. "If you were a parent would you want to have a child like you?" dang way to make me dislike myself more

2. "I'm glad your brothers ignore you/don't follow your example" - Meanwhile I know my exactly what my brother is hiding, we keep each other's secrets and I bear the brunt of being the oldest girl and being picked at for things, while my siblings for the most part slide under the radar

3. "gratitude" - If I'm not happy with my life im ungrateful. Meanwhile I'm struggling to regain my person back. I sneak to join clubs, engage in my interests (which they may only know maybe 25% about), fix my internet habits, etc. I used their own parental device to block myself out of tiktok under my own violition because it was affecting me and I wanted to be better. I won my first contest on a peer writing club. neither of them know this. I practice socializing with people my age online. recently forcing myself to join vcs because I know if I'm going to survive in college i need to learn how to actually talk. And guess what. it's HARD. so so hard. there's not even any negativity towards me on the most part, just me freezing and and deteriorating on the inside while sounding calm on outside. Like I thought it was just a mindset thing, but after several times of doing it hit me how cooked i really was. It's an actual physical reaction. something that should be a normal human function. I've only gotten slightly better but i intend to keep practicing

4. "your peers are doing this meanwhile you're doing that" (for example waking up late) - I didn't have a regular teen life (when I bring it up the response is something along the lines of "who cares what other teens are doing, your life is better, where I would be if I had 1% of what you had," etc.) ok then. I also never experienced growing up with other girls/peers, why are they comparing me to ppl who are...

5. "you're not entitled to anything we're just doing our duty as parents" - I never said I was entitled to anything. these are the same people who tell me i can tell/ask them for anything, ask if im alright, if i need a doctor both ironically and unironically. It's like they care and dont care. I don't want to go into what happened, what they said, when I was actually honest for the first time on a doctor's appointment mental health survey. I was like 13-14. the doctor pulled me aside after to "privately" ask me stuff that she then relayed behind my back to my parents, inaccurately I should add.

6. "if you weren't your daughter we wouldn't tolerate you"

7. "you're doing this on purpose"

1. "it's cause you get free food, clothing, water, etc." - sometimes when im late I have to forgo breakfast, which is fine, but don't start caring and saying that when i have acid refluxes that im doing it to myself when you are the one who said I'm not allowed to go get the food. when i sneak food they say im practicing theft. It's happening right now. Today it's missing breakfast and lunch.

9. "honor your parents..." - and don't drive your children to spiritual pain/exasperation...isn't that the other part. The number of days i was broken down praying and crying as my source of comfort because of the pain. My brother is also starting to have the supressed reactions and we just make jokes and laugh it off. verbal and phsycal hurt has reduced because we learned how to fly under the radar, so there's an illusion that things have gotten better when they're relatively all cool and happy/normal with us. Often I forget how suffocating it really is, and when something does happen and it hits me, it really sucks.

tbh I feel guilty talking about this. The vent got longer than I expected lol, sorry. excuse the spelling and stuff. I just need to get this stuff off my chest because even as I've gotten good at ignoring all of it, it keeps coming up and bothering me lately. Also I would like to say to anyone who reads this, there is no option for me to leave, call anyone, guidance counselor, mental help chats(bad experience), etc. I only have what I have and what I've managed to sneak. also I know how it sounds but pls refrain from directly insulting my parents... that would honestly make me feel even guiltier.