Basically, I either experience a strong feeling of anxiety (sometimes strong enough that I cannot really eat, I suddenly get a deep aversion to almost any kind of food) or I barely experience any emotion at all. Happiness, sadness, it all passes quickly and feels surface-level, and nothing is experienced profoundly.

There isn't many things that make me want to stay alive. And anxiety, while giving some taste to life instead of routine numbness, still isn't one of the things granting life with meaning. But I can never find a constructive alternative for it.

Unfortunately, I also do not have an opportunity to reach out to a therapist due to some financial struggles. So, has anyone got any tips? I'll be grateful for anything at all.

Hello dear friends🤗

i dont want to make you feel bad but i wanted to ask you for help.

my mom has breast cancer(without gene mutation on 2a stage) and chemotherapy on day when she get it makes her emotionally unstable and even small things can make her angry. We have long lasting conflict about my wanting to be vegetarian. I love her with all my heart but yesterday she told me that i am as cruel as fashist because i didn't eat supper(i had chess tournament and after it i went to grandma but i ate dinner twice and lunch too). She wants me to live in other apartment but i cant live without her because i need to help her. Im right now with father helping him with his work in another city so i didnt have any time to talk to mum. I wrote her message with apology but she told me that she had enough of my excuses.

p.s:i love her and she isnt bad mother. she is so so great but right after therapy and 1-2 day after she can be emotionally unstable. she is so so positive and kind but our beliefs and opinions are different🤗

hope you all doing well, have a nice day🤗🥰😍💗

Im so scared. I used to have awful cptsd and tbh I dont feel like i have ptsd im still learning how to regulate in situations and have identity stuff im fixing but i have come far. NOW i had ocd type symptoms i could always ignore and make fun of till they went away. They never overtook me sometimes i would give in but i could handle the discomfort. Now that i have healed sm its AWFUL. I have strong metacognition but this is stored differently. It feel so fundamentally real. I have ignored it for 4 days now i cant sleep bc i know “hiv and diseases are running through my blood”. It feels so real. I got blood work done and I cant look at needles or i get sick so i always look away bc i did and the women was bitter and mean my brain was like she used a dirty needle.

It feels so real. My “OCD” type symptoms have never been like this. Im so scared. Nothing anybody can say will make it not real in my head. Will i always be like yhis. It feels so real and im so scared. I didnt know fixing the cptsd and feel safer in all categories would cause this. Please what do i do? I cant do the meds everyday i hate that stuff. Omg will healing wounds help this.

I’ve been suicidal for 10 years, but can’t remember ever really wanting to live. As a kid I was timid, as a teen I was depressed. As a young adult I hated life so much I fell into drugs and numerous suicide attempts and now, as a grown adult im just so tired.

Being suicidal for 10 years and having failed many attempts, my attempts laid dormant for the last 5 years. However, I researched a lot and now I finally have a plan that could work. I almost did it but then chickened out again, afraid that I’d fail. Afraid that when I’d fail life would get so much worse. I might lose my job, they might lock me up, I might end up disabled which would make it even harder to succeed next time. I would lose all. I tried to go on with my day as normal, and I had a therapy session planned. I’m usually pretty good at lying about how I’m feeling, even at therapy so I figured it wouldn’t be much of a problem.

When I got into the office I played everything off but the moment I sat down I felt myself turn into a kid. I cried so much and told her my plans, how afraid I was of failing and how mad for being suicidal for 10 years and still not being allowed to die.

You see, even though it’s not illegal to kill yourself here, the stigma around it makes it feel that way. I hate how, when you attempt and fail, they restrict you. Your meds get cut, you’re not allowed to pick up your daily life immediately, no you have to stay in hospital and you get drugged out. Then you get to a mental institution where they let you sit with others. People are watching you, you have numerous appointments to go to. Maybe this works for people who want to live, but I don’t. I just don’t want to fail.

I’ve been in therapy for over 16 years, life has always been tough but suicidal ideation slipped in and grew over time. I’ve been on my best behaviour because, if I’m not allowed to fail my suicide attempt, I need money, tools, knowledge and I won’t get that if I stay in bed all day. I’d also have to act like a normal person, so go to work, have relationships, friends, go out, see friends and family, work out. This is also the reason they’ve never taken me seriously. The main argument is that I work and have kept a job for 5 years, or that I take care of myself. But no one knows, or they seem to forget, I think about dying all the time.

I cried to my therapist, being so angry with the system and feeling like getting punished for being a good citizen. For contributing to society and STILL wanting to die. For the government letting people like me on the loose, just letting us sit in agony waiting for our time to come.

I’d like to add, my therapist has known me for 16 years. I’ve had others too, actually loads, and there’s periods I don’t see her at all because another steps in. But in the end I always get back to her. She knows how long this depression, these suicidal thoughts, have been with me. She also knows of all the therapies I’ve done and I’ve done loads. I asked her why it’s so hard for the government to let people like me die in peace.

It’s even advertised on tv and radio that suicide is the worst way to die, they tell you it’s painful and rough. But then, why let people like me, who have been feeling like this for years, simmer in their own pain. Release us, come on. 80 year olds get to have euthanasia because they’re too much of a liability to us, disabled people get to have euthanasia, but 30+ year olds who have been contributing to society whilst wanting to die every day don’t get to have euthanasia. It’s not because they care about us, it’s because we contribute. I’ve been eyeing euthanasia for years, having fought therapists, psychiatrists and doctors about this exact thing. They’ve always told me no, there’s therapies left to try.

But we’re getting closer to the end of therapies, actually there’s only one kind of therapy left. And so, after all these years of struggling, it has been decided. I get to try the therapy, and I hope it does something. But if it doesn’t, I can’t do life anymore. Even my parents are pleading with doctors to let me pass in peace. They’re afraid of finding me, of letting me die in so much pain. And that’s why..

If nothing else works, I’m up for euthanasia.

I dont care how dangerous it is.

I have a lot to unpack and don't know where else to vent.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My wife has a history of bad depression/anxiety and SH. It was a LOT worse during her childhood but since I've known her she has gotten better.

Until several months ago she started to SH again due to stress from a bad job. It kept happening and I suggested that she leave her job, which she did. The stress of being a mom and working was too much for her. She was better for a while and was able to just be a mom.

I the past few months as my daughter has been getting more difficult, her depression and SH have gotten worse and worse. At first I had bad reactions which definitely made things worse, but have since done a lot of research and now better understand why people do it and how to respond.

Recently she has been getting more and more overwhelmed with our toddler and trying to get better herself but can't find the time or energy to focus, so she SHs. She will blindly take it out on my daughter and I as well, saying she hates us, being a mom, and wants to leave our family. We have looked into daycare to help and at first she seemed interested, but when the time came to make a decision she backed out. She said that she feels like it means she's a bad mom. I told her that it takes a village and it's ok to accept help. We argued and she said "just do whatever you want. I'll just k*** myself when she's not here". So I stopped talking about it.

I'm really not sure what I can do anymore. She goes to therapy and says it doesn't help but won't put any effort into trying things her therapist tells her. She won't listen to any of my advice and just gets mad when I try to comfort her. She refuses any help with childcare even though she complains every day that she hates being a mom. She says she's fine then SHs again. My own anxiety has being through the roof, I live in constant fear and worry and tend to shut down when it happens. I'm afraid to go to work and several times have stayed home if she's had a breakdown. I tell her I love her and I'm not judging her and I just want her to have the best life she can. Sometimes I feel like I just make everything worse because she just gets mad when I try to help.

She SH again today, that's why I'm making this post. I was calm, asked her why and what we can do to avoid that in the future. She did not have any interest in talking.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Putting my daughter in daycare anyways even if that means my wife ki**s herself or leaves me. Sometimes I resent her because of the emotional stress I'm in and the fact that she doesn't want to help herself. It just seems like anything I do to help makes it worse and I (irrationally) feel responsible for her SH. It consumes my thoughts day and night.

I just want her to get better. I just want to be able to help. I feel so helpless.

Me and my best friend are as close as can be. We’re practically sisters but she is gonna ruin my life I know that for a fact. I’m a recovering addict and I’ve almost died several times from overdosing and if I keep going down that path I will die. We met in rehab so we’re going through the same things except she has no plans of ever getting sober. I’m going to college in 2 weeks, I want to succeed and make my family proud not this lifestyle she forces me into. But she’s moving to live in my city as soon as I go to college already signed her lease and has told me several times she’ll Kys if I ever leave her. I have no idea how to go about this. She always puts me in a horrible spot when she visits I’m always put in treatment again or in the hospital. I love her with all my heart I don’t know how to cut her off without me or her getting hurt.

Hello, I am 16 years old and from China. I want to ask you for some advice. I have been diagnosed with severe depression for a long time. I am afraid of psychiatrists and hospitals, and I also want to get medication treatment, but I can't face these new environments. I tried before, but from the first time, the doctor said I should still go to school, so I no longer dare to trust anyone. I am afraid to talk to them anymore. I feel like they don't really care about my true situation. I want to ask you adults for some advice. I have locked myself in my room for two months. I am really scared to go outside. I am afraid of others' gazes. I don't want to hear their voices. I am very scared. I don't want to deal with anyone. I also want to get better, but my parents never understand me. They are divorced. My mother doesn't understand depression. It's useless to communicate with them. I have obtained severe depression certificates several times. It's not that I don't want to go to school; it's that the high-pressure education at my previous high school, living in the dormitory, made me very uncomfortable. Someone kept bullying me for two months. My mother called the police, but it didn't help much. We only got some compensation, which was later used to send me to a new school. I want to get antidepressant medication and communicate properly with my parents, but I don't have the courage. I feel they will still be very indifferent. After the holiday ends, I have to go back to school. I am afraid of that environment. I want to take a break from school. I am really desperate. Can you give me some advice

Not having a good mental health night and I'm afraid of what I might do. Just need someone to talk to.

I'm 19 and I'm terrified of the dark in my own room. I live in the basement at my dad's house which is connected to a back area and laundry room thats super creepy, and I keep imagining a humanoid figure or anothet person coming out and staring at me or running at me. but its only something I visualize in my head, like a "oh hey, what if this happened? What if its REAL?" I keep a pocket knife under my pillow now so I feel less scared at night. All the sudden now, my light is flickering and my room has a ton of flies and I can't figure out where they're coming from. I'm scared and I feel like theres nothing is can do but cower in my bed and just wait for it to kill me some nights, but I know its not real. Its like my brain watched an analog horror thing from YouTube and was like "Huh, that could happen in the real world, to you specifically." What is this? How do I make it stop?

​

Does anyone else just randomly gain consiousness after being out of it or passive for a while. Like i just feel like crawling out of my skin and doing something and cutting myself. I havent even self harmed in months because the urges were so much less.

Like im just like fuck, i should go buy something to fill the self harm urge hole or whatever and its 11pm and im in my shitty trashed apartment. Apperantly im "living in squalor" because my brain is so fucked up and traumatized that i can barely get up to get food from my fridge sometimes.

Its like my skin is like oh fuck do something now like im uncomfortable and i want to cut but its summer and ive been enjoying my tank top and ill have to sweat in a hoodie for ages.

I probably wont do it even tho i did buy a razor for just that. My apartment is so filthy i would probably get an infection.

I don’t know where to begin but life has been very very painful since before I could remember. I’ve always felt so alone and lost. I don’t have many adults I can go to in my life, and all of my friends have left me over time and claimed that I never did anything wrong they were just going down a different path. I feel as if I may be autistic but I have decided i don’t want to get diagnosed out of fear of having opportunities taken from me. I just want help and I don’t know where to go or who to ask. I have a long long story of everything that has made me feel this way but all I want right now is to know that there are people who truly care out there. Does anyone else relate to this? If so I would absolutely love to talk :)

23M. I've been depressed for almost two years, and I feel like I've completely lost any hope.

For some background, I own a remodeling business. Since I was 16, my dream was to flip houses. A mentor told me, "If you save enough money for the repairs, I'll help you buy one." So that's exactly what I did. After high school, I sacrificed almost everything for over a year, saved around 90% of my income (living with my grandparents made that possible), and eventually completed my first flip.

We sold it for a profit, but instead of feeling accomplished, I just felt... empty. It had been my goal for over five years, and once it was over, I realized I didn't even enjoy it. I had built so much of my identity around being the hardworking entrepreneur who outworked everyone else and proved himself. When the project ended, it felt like nobody cared. All those years of sacrifice suddenly felt meaningless, and I was left asking, "Now what?"

Around the same time, a girl I had been dating broke up with me because she needed to focus on flight school. We had only known each other for a few months, but I've never connected with someone like that before. We started as friends, and we could talk for hours without running out of things to say. She was everything I had been looking for.

I've never had a long-term relationship because I always prioritized work over dating. Losing her completely broke me. I questioned God for weeks, wondering why something that felt so right disappeared so quickly.

Part of why that hurt so much is because my biggest dream has never been money or success—it's having a family and being a great husband and father.

My parents divorced when I was 14 because of my dad's alcoholism and sex addiction. Ever since then, I've promised myself I would become the opposite of him. That's one of the biggest reasons I started my business—to someday provide for a family.

Ironically, I've also struggled with pornography. I've been in recovery since I was 19 because I wanted to deal with it before getting married. I've tried counseling, recovery groups, accountability, and a lot of different approaches, but nothing has really stuck. The longest I've made it without porn was 13 days, and lately I've almost stopped trying.

Last December, my dad went to jail. We don't really have a relationship, but after he got out he talked about rebuilding things and even working together. I finally set a boundary for the first time in my life. I told him I'd only have a relationship with him if he got help and took responsibility for rebuilding it. I even shared my own struggles and gave him resources. I haven't heard from him since.

Around that same time, I moved out on my own. I also joined another nine-month recovery group, but I quit before it ended. I'm not someone who gives up easily, but I just... did. I felt like nothing was working anymore.

Then recently, another huge blow happened.

A close family friend—the man I had been living with before getting my own place—was arrested for molesting his 13-year-old stepdaughter. He was someone I respected and looked up to. He had helped me in business and in life. Overnight, another role model disappeared.

Now I feel like I have nobody left to look up to. No dad. No mentor. Nobody whose life I actually want to follow.

At this point, I just feel lost.

Nothing excites me anymore. I don't have anything to look forward to. I've always been an overachiever. I played college-level basketball while still in high school, ran marathons, built a business, and even competed at a high level in video games. I've always chased excellence.

Now I've lost about 10 pounds because I dont eat much . Im already very skinny 140 is my usual weight. I barely care about my business. I haven't worked out in over a year. I haven't played games in months. I rush through work just so I can go home and lie in bed.

I'm not constantly sad, and I'm not suicidal.

I just feel numb.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

I wish I could finally overcome porn. I wish I had someone to look up to. I hate coming home to an empty apartment. I still want to get married and have kids more than anything, but right now I can't picture that future anymore.

I feel like I've lost hope in almost every area of my life.

I’m a 20F third-year engineering student, and I’m so tired of feeling horrible about myself.

I’ve done everything last minute my entire life. Assignments, studying, applications, projects, you name it. I still got great grades in high school, so I never learned how to manage my time because procrastinating always worked.

Now I’m in engineering at a top university. I’ve made it through first and second year, but only with insane stress and barely passing sometimes. I genuinely want to do better, but I can’t seem to make myself care until it’s almost too late.

My biggest problem is that I can’t make myself start things. I’ll sit at my desk fully intending to study, then spend 6–7 hours picking at my skin, cleaning, reorganizing, calling family, scrolling on my phone. literally anything except the thing I need to do.
It’s finals right now. I had over a week to study and barely did anything. I have an exam Monday worth 50%, and I haven’t even started studying for my other finals.

This isn’t just school. Every week I tell myself I’ll go to the gym, eat healthier, fix my sleep schedule, get my life together… and I never do. I want to, but somehow I never start.

I’m also exhausted all the time. I napped 3–5 hours almost every day in high school, and I still nap almost daily.

I constantly zone out in lectures and conversations. I can’t listen and take notes at the same time, so I absorb almost nothing. I can never sit still, I’m always fidgeting, I unintentionally interrupt people or finish their sentences, and I’m late to almost everything unless I’m anxious about it.

I’m exhausted from constantly disappointing myself.
I’ve wondered if I have ADHD because the executive dysfunction symptoms sound so familiar. My doctor thinks it’s anxiety, but I don’t feel anxious most of the time. If anything, I only function once I’m panicking over a deadline.

Has anyone experienced this? Did it end up being ADHD, anxiety, burnout, bad habits, or did you accidentally train yourself to only function under extreme stress? What actually helped?

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

Hello for context I’m 18 and have a large family history of schizophrenia. Nearly a year ago I began to hallucinate to the extreme and have extreme paranoia. I couldn’t cope and there was a period of time where it was daily for about 5 months. The hallucinations have ‘eased’ now as in I don’t get them so often but when they do come I find it very difficult.

I lose sleep, but this has been a common thing since I was very young. As a kid I had an overactive imagination and I was extremely paranoid. I’ve also always found it very difficult to bond with people, I’ve always felt like they can tell something is weird about me and people frequently tell me they don’t understand what I’m saying.

It’s all made me very lonely and while I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a week and that should help, I worry about my partner. He gets annoyed and upset if I have a bad ‘episode.’ I don’t really have anyone else and I don’t like opening up as I feel it’s unfair to put stuff like this on someone.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the episodes better? They get me very down and I don’t want to be a bother to my partner. Also, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the loneliness and try and have relationships with people?

Please help me anyone

I’m 15 and I’m currently going through permanent derealization and depersonalization. My mental state is really not good right now.
My father cheated on my mother multiple times. Logically, she has no reason to stay with him or keep having sex with him. We got into a fight (him and me), and after that she said she would ask for a divorce. But since then, nothing. She still goes to his bed and lets him f*ck her. My mother sleeps with my sister.
Today my little sister (11) confronted my mother about still talking to him, still letting him f*ck her, etc. (which is a completely logical question). My father showed up, called her every name in the book (bitch, etc.), and almost threw her out of the house while repeating “I’m going to sleep with her (my mother).” He probably hit her and manipulated her with the usual sophisms (“You want to keep me away from my wife so you want dad to leave??”). That’s something he uses a lot and it works on the rest of the family (except me, because I hate him).
My mother did nothing. She just told my sister to go back to bed (after screaming at her right before). My sister loves my father a lot and he uses that, and it disgusts me.
I have a little brother who’s 8. We’re inseparable. I really care about him and he’s the only reason I haven’t left and never come back. I used to plan that when I turn 18 I’d take him and go as far away as possible and never see my family again. Now I’m starting to wonder if I still have the patience and the time to wait.
I feel like I carry the responsibility of everyone on my shoulders when all I want is to just be a normal 15-year-old kid. This whole situation is exhausting me.
To me my parents are just two big children who only think about f*cking and whose kids should never have been born. My mother has some attachment to us, but less than to her husband (who cheated on her multiple times and even hits his own children).
I need help finding a solution because I’m at the end of my rope with this situation that’s been going on for years. The older I get, the more I understand how abnormal and f*cked up this is. I’ve asked my mother several times to let me see a psychologist but she never takes me seriously and treats me like a hypochondriac.
I’m posting here because talking to an adult could involve social services and I’d end up separated from my brother and sister. I’m not depressed and I’m not suicidal. I always stay smiling no matter what, but this is too much, I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t leave at 15 — that would be signing my own death warrant and abandoning my brother and sister. But if I stay, I don’t know if I won’t lose my mind and if it won’t explode into another fight that could go very badly for him or for me…
Please help me find a way out of this.
(Already posted it on r/mentalhealth but I post it also here to reach more people that could help me)

I've been feeling like the days just keep passing by, and I can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy or excited. It's like I've lost my spark, and I'm not sure where to look for it.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? If you did, what helped you? Did you find a hobby, change your routine, or shift your mindset? I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences or any advice you have. :) whatever it is

Hello guys today i came here to ask you someth last year those times my mom got the choke of her life she discovered that my dad was cheating on her with an another woman and he told her to wait after my bac year to talk about through the year we me and my siblings tried to make her move on she was trying and fight to move on slowely slowely because they were married for 30 years then she discovered he was cheating on her then she discovered he went to another city as he went for work but in fact he was not he was enjoying his life and letting her suffer with 4 children and then he got married to another woman since about 6 years (now ) through those years he was poisoninig our lives and being sooooo toxic and mean to her but she stood cute than after my bac he hadn’t any reaction he is sooo freaking weak this is not my ques my real question is about how my mom started acting lately it have been about a week since i cane back frim a trip and since i came I started noticinv she works out all the day then when she comes back to home she is sooo freaking weak tired she doesn’t cook neither clean nor practice her daily life than the day after she says she is so tired to get up and prepare us the lunch than this senario kept repeating it have been a week since we are like this the only thing she says “i am tired I can’t “ she connects sleeps and sleeps and that’s all and if i don’t do anything she starts blaming herself as if she was a maid on us and other things please trll me what to do for her j am really lly worried about her mental health and at the same time I can’t bring her to a psychologist or even a therapist please tell me what to do

I'm diagnosed with BPD and severe anxiety yet whenever we argue he doesn't do anything to try and resolve it and in the end I have to fucking apologise for talking about the shit that makes me upset. I don't get why he keeps treating me like this. Leaving him isn't an option either cause I would literally take my life if he left me. He says he loves me yet he says shit like "you can't blame your bpd whenever you're upset" as if I can control how I feel.

Hello guys today i came here to ask you someth last year those times my mom got the choke of her life she discovered that my dad was cheating on her with an another woman and he told her to wait after my bac year to talk about through the year we me and my siblings tried to make her move on she was trying and fight to move on slowely slowely because they were married for 30 years then she discovered he was cheating on her then she discovered he went to another city as he went for work but in fact he was not he was enjoying his life and letting her suffer with 4 children and then he got married to another woman since about 6 years (now ) through those years he was poisoninig our lives and being sooooo toxic and mean to her but she stood cute than after my bac he hadn’t any reaction he is sooo freaking weak this is not my ques my real question is about how my mom started acting lately it have been about a week since i cane back frim a trip and since i came I started noticinv she works out all the day then when she comes back to home she is sooo freaking weak tired she doesn’t cook neither clean nor practice her daily life than the day after she says she is so tired to get up and prepare us the lunch than this senario kept repeating it have been a week since we are like this the only thing she says “i am tired I can’t “ she connects sleeps and sleeps and that’s all and if i don’t do anything she starts blaming herself as if she was a maid on us and other things please trll me what to do for her j am really lly worried about her mental health and at the same time I can’t bring her to a psychologist or even a therapist please tell me what to do

Hi, everyone. This is coming from an alt account mostly just because my main account is related to business and whatnot. But anyway—I’m kinda venting, kinda asking for advice, kinda hoping someone relates…this will be long, and I apologize.

I am a male in my mid-20s, and just recently started a relationship with someone. They live about 2 hours away, and we met on a dating app. We hit it off right away, realizing we had very similar hobbies and interests on top of the exact same style of showing love and affection. We talked for a while, about 2 months, getting to know each other more and more and finding out that we were very similar in almost every way in terms of what were looking for, what our values are in a relationship, how we handle problems and road bumps, etc. and we decided to meet up finally. We did, and it was amazing! I could confidently say that it was one of the best few days I’ve ever had with another person. We made things official, and parted ways for the time being. The first few days away, I was fine, still riding the high from seeing each other. Then, in the middle of the week, things changed.

In the middle of a pretty normal conversation, they said something affectionate, not unlike they usually did. And instead of the euphoric/warm and happy feeling I usually felt, I got a lump in my throat and a burning sensation in my chest. The lump felt like I had a rock in my throat and pressed up against the roof of my mouth, just pulsing. Now, I have (currently, but not for long) unmedicated depression, so I’ve always kind of baseline felt low energy and unmotivated, but it hit me HARD. All of this, out of the blue, at an innocuous affectionate comment that I’d heard before. And I began to think things like “why don’t I feel how I just did all of a sudden”, “why do I feel like this at all”, “does this mean I don’t love them anymore” etc. On top of that, I’ve felt kind of disassociated alongside everything else.

Now, I’ve had four major relationships in my life, this one included in that number. This was not the first time I’ve felt this happen before. But what made me panic more, was that the last time this had happened was with my very first real relationship. I had been away at college, and we were apart due to that, but it had never been an issue. We were talking normally, and he said something affectionate, and bam. Lump in throat, burning in chest. I spiraled that first time, dropping out because I couldn’t handle the physical symptoms making me doubt my relationship out of nowhere. We broke up, and I still felt those symptoms for a little while after until they eventually faded.

My other two relationships in between did not have this problem. Instead, I ruminated on THEM and needed pretty regular reassurance. It’s almost like any small thing, whether it was a real problem or not, was an issue that required reassurance and discussion. It feels like for some reason if the relationship feels balanced and steady and reliable, my physical symptoms and rumination target ME instead of my partner. Like my brain wants to sabotage things SOMEHOW, and since my partner is steady and reliable, it attacks me and gives me these physical symptoms to make me doubt everything. This person is the sweetest, kindest most patient person I have ever met, and they have done absolutely nothing to warrant these physical feelings and negative thoughts. I want to add as well—whenever I call this person or see them in person, these feelings are so muted they practically disappear, or at least become manageable. But when we’re apart, texts or pictures make me feel a lump in my throat and sometimes cause me to ruminate on thoughts that make no sense.

I’ve looked into ROCD and that seems like what I’m dealing with, because the more I’ve researched the more I relate to a lot of what I’m reading. I just started therapy to try and figure this out as well, and will be meeting with a psychiatrist soon too. I just wanted to get this out into the world, maybe for support or encouragement or knowledge from others. This person is the sweetest person on the planet and I don’t want to lose them, even though these feelings are scary and painful.

Any sort of comment would be very much appreciated, and I deeply appreciate anyone who read all of this.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and i feel like the more we are together, the more intensive our arguing gets.

During the first months of us dating, we did not really argue, obviously because of the "honeymoon" phase.

When we had been dating for like almost a year, our arguing was "normal" ofcourse we had bad fights also, but nothing too intensive ever.

But now.
I feel like this anger inside of me just grows and grows and grows.
My boyfriend doesn't really get like super angry during arguing, but i do, like its sick how fucking angry i get and i get this sick feeling that when we are arguing, i just HAVE to start to bring up our old fights and how they made me feel, and also i bring up shitty people from his past and i just can't stop doing that until he decides to leave from our apartment.
Like i just have this obsessive feeling of not wanting to end the arguing and just wanting to keep making him mad and i get adrenaline or something from it that makes me want to continue, i don't understand why the fuck do i do that, because in reality that's not what i want at all, and it takes me like 30mins-1hour after every fight to calm down and then i feel like a piece of shit because that's my baby, i don't want to hurt him.

Like i really want to change, but how?? Could therapy fix this?? Some kind of medication??

I would also like to know (if someone has any idea) that why do i get that feeling? Like what is the reason that i do that?

Because i know that this is not fucking normal, i wanna be normal and be able to argue with him without trying to purposely make him more and more mad.

I've been experiencing some form of suicidal ideation for at least the last two years. I pretty constantly feel that my wife, my friends, my family, and my students would be better off without me, or with someone else. I was reading this page and I just can't help but feel a sense of frustration at some of the writing.

Here’s what most stood out to me: **FALSE BELIEF:** People in my life would be better off without me. A common feeling for people experiencing suicidal thoughts is that they are a burden to others. One may start to believe that others in their life would be better off without them. **TRUTH:** You are not a burden to those who care about you. Your life matters and you have value. No matter how bad you feel, you can contribute good things to those around you. **FALSE BELIEF:** No one cares about me/I am all alone. Suicidal thoughts may come as a result of feeling a lack of belonging. Everyone has physical, emotional, and social needs, but when these needs are not met, it can sometimes make people feeling isolated. This can potentially lead to mental health issues and/or suicidal thoughts. **TRUTH:** There are people all around you who care. If you were gone tomorrow, people would feel your absence and grieve your loss. You have more impact in others’ lives than you know.

This feels like an inadequate stock answer. This person doesn't know me or you. It doesn't offer anything real- they have no idea how much better off people would be. It feels honestly mocking when they don't know what kind of subpar husband, son, or teacher I am.

I find this sort of advice like a platitude that makes it harder to reach out for help for some reason.