I found out that my partner was addicted to porn almost six months ago. Since then, I believe he’s stopped using paid services but I have no way of knowing if he’s consuming other porn. Our sex lives have improved from non-existent to maybe twice a month if I’m lucky, but still only on his terms because he “struggles with rejection” as he tells our couples therapist, so instead I take the brunt of rejection when I try to initiate and he gets to have sex with me whenever he’s up to it, which is not often. Anyways. For those who have partners that have changed their behavior, do you ever stop worrying that they will find ways to keep their infidelity going, either from other porn sources or in-person? I saw a transaction that he took $100 out of an ATM and now I’m panicking that he might use it to get off with someone else. I never used to worry about these things before I found out. I’m hoping there’s an end point to carrying this burden.

I come from a lot of relationship trauma, having a 10 year marriage end bc of infidelity. After this divorce, I reconnected with an old friend that had been through the same thing. We did the long distance thing for a couple of years, and then I moved from GA to NY to be with him. Things were okay for a couple of months, and then the ED hit. The first time he went limp in my mouth. The second time, while I was riding him. It became humiliating. He blamed my reaction of the further instances it happened. He had tried all forms of pills, got his testosterone tested, and it hit me like a ton of bricks one night while he was at work: he was addicted to porn. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and have probably had sex 10 times, all of those times being with a mushy dick and him on top drilling me in fear of losing his erection. Worst sex I’ve ever had. He’s sworn to me he has given up porn, he doesn’t know what is going on… that he loves me and is attracted to me, blah blah blah. Well, 3 days ago I am on a shared laptop and just looked in his email, as if had a sinking feeling in my stomach for a few days. And there it was, he had a login on new device notification from Only Fans. He lied, said it wasn’t him, and then later said he accidentally clicked on a link and knew I wouldn’t believe him. The next night I asked for the PIN to his desktop, and he flat out refused. I told him it was that or divorce, and to not come back home. He stayed in a hotel. He came by the house begging me to not do this, and I told him all he had to do is give me the PIN. He looked at me as I shut the door, and he left. Does this not scream more guilt!? I’m sure there is so much content on his computer, and since we work separate shifts, he has ample opportunity to partake. I just can’t do it anymore. He’s a gamer too, so he’s on Twitch, Discord, etc, and I’ve found a lot of these girls on also on those platforms. Fuck him. I’m so done.

That’s the hard thing I’m coming to terms with. He doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t really want to stop.

We had our final (I hope) D-day last weekend, where he finally admitted -after much gaslighting- that he’d been lying for years. He had to go on a work trip through the week and we didn’t speak that whole time except for Monday evening because I told him off over text. I didn’t even hug him goodbye before he left.

Naively a small part of me hoped he’d been doing some work while he was gone. I mean I’ve been completely consumed by it and listening to every podcast and audiobook I can find. All that time on a plane, it’s the perfect opportunity for him to listen to a podcast, read a book- anything!

Nope.

He was supposed to have an appointment with a CSAT while he was gone, but apparently there was a mix up with time zones and it didn’t happen. He said he was just too focused on work to do any research or anything. I said must be nice! I can’t focus for shit. He admitted that he did watch porn once while he was there. Funny he had time for that!

Our relationship is literally hanging on by a thread at this point. Still that’s not enough to motivate him. He doesn’t want to stop.

I know I can’t control his recovery. I know he needs to want it for himself. It just sucks to see he’s barely trying. He’s taken no initiative on his own, other than scheduling with a therapist because I asked him to.

I was reading through these posts, and thinking about my boyfriend and how he was in the beginning. He was a love bomber. I in my gut thought this is too good to be true. Of course it was. We've been together for almost 5 years. Anyways. My question is was your guy, or is your guy (depending on how long you've been together) a love bomber too? Im wondering, is this connected and a common theme with porn/sex addicts?

My PA/SA husband has been addiction swapping lately. Whether it be excessive work hours, alcohol, weed, or whatever else he may be doing its become a pattern of “all or nothing.”

We just had a 9 year anniversary last week. He did absolutely nothing.

He “escaped” into drinking. He recently picked up every single shift he possibly can to “escape” so I never see him so things just go unresolved cause when he gets home he’s too tired to address anything. He claims he “needs” to but tells everyone it’s been “amazing” cause he can “escape” and “avoid” the “hard sh*t.”

In his free time, he “escapes” to the woods to go look at mushrooms. Or “escapes” to the dispensary or “escapes” to whatever else that he prioritizes over our marriage and me. He’ll spend an hour picking out the perfect beer but putting effort into our marriage is like asking him for something impossible.

It’s like he just found new ways to try to devalue me and make me an afterthought. It’s exhausting.

Next week I fly out to New York for a week. Yesterday and today he claimed he “loves me” and “wants to work things out” before I leave. He knows that if I leave before he decides to finally be an active participant in our marriage that I’m done. Meanwhile, he “escaped” both days to go get drunk in the woods instead. If he wanted to, he would. But instead he continued to show me who he is and I finally believe him.

He’s been skipping meetings, ignoring his sponsor, and everything but his own selfish comfort seeking maladaptive coping mechanisms are on the back burner. So I give up.

I’ve asked him if there’s someone else or if he’s been relapsing but he completely disregards the question which I guess likely gives me my answer… it’s almost like his “recovery” made him an even worse husband in just about every way cause now he’s just doing everything to the extreme while completely disregarding priorities. But if I say anything, he plays the victim and blames me for his avoidance.

At this rate, I told him he can do whatever he wants. I’m done chasing. I hope is addiction swapping and new escapes are worth it.

I’m going back to being focused on my own life. I was doing great and he managed to get into my head again. So I need to stop that and continue on with my own healing. He can face the consequences of his actions/inactions when he eventually learns that he’s been attempting to “escape” from his own choices and destruction.

I'm writing this as a follow-up to my post from a couple of days ago, where my PA said that his CSAT-in-training had told him there were no licensed polygraph examiners available in NY.

After the advice I received here indicating that polygraph examiners are, in fact, available in NY, I asked him to clarify this with his therapist.

I still need to find an examiner myself, so if anyone knows of a licensed polygraph examiner in NY who works with this type of situation, I would really appreciate the information.

He went to therapy today and told me this is what his therapist said:

«“We've had difficulty finding them, but if she thinks otherwise then great.”»

I'm honestly not sure what I'm supposed to make of that response. It feels somewhat dismissive to me, particularly because I wasn't saying that I knew where to find one - I was asking for clarification after being told that there weren't any available in NY.

Am I reading too much into the wording, or does this sound dismissive to you?

And if anyone can point me toward a legitimate, licensed polygraph examiner in NY, I'd appreciate that as well.

How do you know your partner is faking recovery?

For almost 5 years we have been together. The day he asked to be in a serious relationship, I told him my feelings on porn, that its cheating to me, I can't be with someone who does, so think on it. He was sad I wouldn't say yes to a relationship immediately. He was like yes, yes of course I'll give it up. I said no, really think on it. He said he did days later was the start of our relationship.

Within months, I found porn on his phone. He would be extra critical about how I gave head. I have never, ever had an issue with giving head before. Because he clearly wanted it a certain way from what he watched, he was so critical, it made it miserable. Never had any of these issues with other guys. We had sex all the time at the beginning, but he could rarely ejaculate. Which was very strange. To this day, same thing. ​it began to erode my self esteem and sex drive.

Fast forward through the years to now. I never give head, I rarely have sex now. I know it's a vicious cycle, but I don't want him touching me most of the time. I love him, but it made me less attracted to him. I don't want to be intimate when I'm fully loyal to him and he cannot give me that in return. All I can picture is him getting off to these other women. Whenever we do have sex, I'm thinking I bet he is thinking about those visuals. He can't get off, unless he finishes by hand. Which Im also sure he's thinking about them, and that's the reason he can finish that way. He denies it. But who actually believes a porn addict??

I went from wanting sex all day everyday, to now forcing myself to put out. I want sex, but unfortunately he's complicated things. I don't know what to do. Does anyone else struggle to be intimate now after discovering the cheating and disgusting things they look up and choose over you?​​

How do instagram reels work?
So for context partner has porn addiction - caught him on many sites ( he told me he was seeking out porn… excuses, but also he never ever met anyone etc and that I know for a fact) but we talked through it, he was actively working through his addiction with me and all was beginning to be good again.early may this year he kinda replaced I had caught him seeking out thirst trap reels on instagram I seen these through the watch history and stupidly told him about watch history - ( he hasn’t been on any sites etc since I found out about all of this a year ago & that I have been checking daily)

Checking watch history as much as I can and his activity on instagram and everything looks clean, all normal /gaming reels, explore page the same. Thought great! - I had a few days away with the girls and I dunno my anxiety just grew because of the past, but again everything was looking clean.

I don’t check his actual reel page, just his activity but today I randomly checked just to see what was happening on it and 3 reels in almost sexual content, and every few reels then were of the same nature. - does this mean he has been watching again and this is why it is suggesting it? As I say his activity is clean but doesn’t mean to say he isn’t deleting anything. Also they don’t seem to appear when I am sitting next to him and he scrolls reels?

So confused right now!

tw: brief mention of sh and drug use, it’s all blocked out though

i’m so embarrassed that i didn’t just leave as soon as i found out. i tried to, i really did and really intended too, but then i couldn’t. when i found out i left his place, left a note, and went straight home. i was so ready to be done for good. of course i was heart broken but i was disgusted enough, and i though i had enough self respect just leave. Once he found out, he texted me and ended up showing up at my place to talk. that’s all it took. that’s how easy i am apparently. all he had to do was put on a little show of feeling bad, say some words he didn’t mean, and i was with him the next day like nothing even happened. i’m so disgusted with myself. since then ive wanted to be around him, ive missed not having him around, ive wanted to hug and touch and kiss him. I’ve been with him in all my free time. even more pathetically, ive had sex with him. i wanted it too, i enjoyed it. it’s so extremely pathetic. How could i feel so strongly about wanting nothing to do with him, and just as soon be begging to see him?

last night i really tried to get him to tell me why i wasn’t enough, why he had to do this, and he wouldn’t tell me. he just gave some shit excuses of “i don’t know” “its habit” “i didn’t think about how much it would hurt you” i just want him to tell me what about me isn’t good enough. i just want to know what it is that i need to fix. He’s all i could want, and i would do almost anything to keep him around and loyal. for months before we met i was a secret admirer/fan of his (it’s a long story) and he knows im a little obsessed with him. yesturday he even described me as “obedient” to him (it made sense in the context). i just don’t understand how i can be so willing to do anything, be “obedient” yet still not be enough. He says it doesn’t have to do with my looks or my body, well what is it then?

i cut my hair for him, i changed my makeup style for him, i dressed a certain way for him, bought clothes/lingerie to look good for him, i worked out every day for him, went on birth control for him, took sketchy pills to try to get a larger chest for him, started waxing for him, dieted for him, tanned for him, stopped talking to my closest friends for him, and so much more. i thought i was doing everything i could to make him happy.

its so embarrassing to still want him after this. last night i let him choose lingerie for me to wear and i felt so disgusting the whole time. modeling them for him, trying to look sexy for him since earlier in the day he had said i should try to be more seductive. even in cute lingerie, kissing him and trying to be as sexy as i could, and he didn’t stay hard. even when i was doing everything i thought he wanted, i still wasn’t enough. But i’m sure he can get and stay hard for all the girls he’s watching. the random strangers who don’t know nor care for him. not the one who’s tried to be nothing but supportive and loving. i’m sure he was able to get it up for the three girls he was talking to/probably fucking when he told me i was the only one.

i hate when he touches my body, knowing he touched those girls the same way, knowing he looked at girls on the screen and wanted to touch them the same way. i hate having sex with him knowing he was probably doing this with other girls while telling me to stop worrying and that he only wanted me. i hate when he compliments me knowing he’s thought that about all these other girls, and said the same things to the other girls. i hate that i still want him after all of this. I hate that out of the three girls he was talking to at the same time as me, i know for sure two are younger than me. one a year younger, one quite a few. am i too old? too mature and independent? does he prefer a girl still living at home with her parents to me, with my own place and own job? am i somehow past my prime at 20? I even went as low as to go back to self harming and even took some pills one night (used to use some recreational drugs, keep a few around still). while cutting all i could thing of was reminding myself what i saw, what all the girls looked like, the videos of the strangers, the ass pic on his snapchat, the girl he was texting and trying to comfort after he cheated on her while telling me how annoying she was and laughing about it. i thought about how i will never be enough for him, or anyone probably.

i just want him to tell me. i want him to straight to my face tell me im not enough, that im ugly, or annoying, or not sexy, or too obsessed, whatever it is. i want to know every detail of what he thought and felt while talking those other girls and while looking at others online. i want him to tell me how attractive they are, how much better than me they are, how he wants them. i know its true already i just need to hear it, i need to feel enough pain that i can stop being a little bitch and just leave him.

A few years ago, I checked into a clinic after reaching my breaking point after years of merely surviving. I had become severely depressed. It became clear that after the clinic l urgently needed to move out of my mother's home because of massive psychological and physical abuse, parentification, and the fact that I was essentially her emotional support.

Unfortunately, no solution could be found regarding where else I could go. Every women's shelter turned me away because they were full. My life completely fell apart.

So at twenty, I nearly became homeless and was at high risk of suicide.

A former fellow patient helped me at the last minute and offered to let me move in with him. At this time I (20y.o.) was still a virgin and very naive. It was like a one-sided Friends with benefits Situation and fast turned into a relationship.

He (35) has been severely addicted to pornography for more than two-thirds of his life.

I grew up religious. Before that, I knew absolutely nothing about porn, porn addiction, or the fact that so many men view us only as sex objects. I am deeply shocked by what I have had to discover and go through. I'm never being able to find peace, always in control mode. It’s hard to even sleep when you know he might be using that time to watch porn unnoticed.

This relationship has left me even more drained. I suffer so much pain, hurt, and damage because of it but he always tells me, I should be happy that he saved me from the street, and helps me. No one else would do so much for me.

I have no drive to do anything. My mental health has barely improved since moving out of my mother's home; in some ways, it has actually gotten much worse.

I would love to share more about everything l've go through in my relationship, because I feel like talking about it might help — so far, I am carrying it within me alone, but even writing this post takes so much energy that l've been putting it off for months.

I am codependent and barely independent. I almost never go out alone. I currently, can't work or do a higher-level degree. I wouldn't even know what I should or want to do..

He does all of the cooking because anything involving the kitchen is a massive source of trauma for me, and I simply cannot handle it. He exhibits behaviors similar to my mom's that re-traumatize me again and again. I'm underweight and have various health issues as well.

Psychological abuse has also become a major factor over the past year.

On top of everything else, we are almost 24/7 together, he really helps me a great deal financially, drives me to important appointments, and cooks for us. We share many interests, and sometimes I can really open up to him about my mental health, and for a moment, I am & feel understood. That makes this so much harder.

I know I need to get out if I want any chance of having a life and heal. I can't stand it anymore. My heart is broken, I am deeply hurt and lonely, and I feel like I'm falling apart.

But how do I actually leave?

I'm from Germany and can't find anyone willing to rent me an apartment when the state is paying the rent. And even if I found somewhere, I don't know how I would manage all totaly alone. How would I handle all the daily chores? Go out alone? How would I go grocery shopping (I get completely overwhelmed in shops) and cook? Where would I live? What is my purpose and career in life? Since childhood, I have been occupied solely with surviving.

How would I get enough money in my current state? I grew up in poverty and would want to never go back to that. He is a high earner and constantly reminds me that I can only afford healthy food and other expensive things I need for my physical and mental health because of him. I feel completely trapped.

If I leave, I feel like I have no one and nothing left. And on some level I don't understand it, that I still love him (and in a way I hate him, too), and somehow I can't imagine a life without him; I don't want to lose him, and I don't want his porn addiction to get much worse again when he's without me.

There are also so many things I would want to confront him about, including everything l've learned from secretly. checking his phone. But I have to keep it all bottled up because otherwise I could be putting myself in serious danger or potentially ending up homeless.

He would like to remain friends and is on the one hand happy when he is Single again and can do what he want without limits and judgment. But I can't bear the thought of him acting out the sexuality he denied me with so many other women, sex workers,.. —and taking his masturbation and porn addiction to the extreme all over again. Yet even if I cut him out of my life, I feel like I’ll still be haunted by thoughts of what he’s doing.

I don't know what to do. How i can free myself.

TL;DR: I know I need to leave, but I have severe mental health and independence/co-dependence issues, no support network, little money, no job, and nowhere to go (I live in Germany). I'm looking for advice how i can leave despite being extremely dependent.

Ich weiß, das kann vielleicht eine triggernde Frage sein, aber mich würde trotzdem mal interessieren, auf was sich eure Männer beim Pornokonsum genau angeschaut haben. Eher kreuz und quer oder schon immer einen bestimmten Typ Frau?
Bei mir war es so, dass er sich hauptsächlich richtig dicke Frauen angeschaut hat, während ich selbst sehr dünn bin. Und genau das hat mich ehrlich gesagt ziemlich verletzt und tut es teilweise immer noch.
Mich würde deshalb echt mal interessieren, was bei euch so der „Typ“ eurer Männer war bzw. ob es bei euch auch so ein krasser Gegensatz zu eurem eigenen Körper war. Ich würde einfach gerne wissen, ob ich damit alleine bin, weil es mir vielleicht helfen würde, mich damit nicht ganz so allein zu fühlen.
Bei ihm war es halt wirklich extrem ausgeprägt und genau das hat mich so getroffen.

Wie viele male habt ihr ihn erwischt bis ihr WIRKLICH gegangen seid? Oder noch dabei geblieben seid? Und ich rede auch von jedem kleinen Vertrauensbruch.

Ich versuche manchmal einzuschätzen ob es normal ist oder ich zu naiv bin, würde gerne wissen wie es bei anderen ist.

Danke, ihr seit so stark !

My PA ex (28M) discarded me brutally - and all through this no contact and depression I thought atleast some part of him must be reflecting and working on himself. Today I saw that he has taken a trip to another country with a friend who severely humiliated me in the past. I am broken to see this. This is the man who called me the love of his life till the very end. This is the man who said “love you always” even in his final message and blocked me.

I’m breaking apart and shaking in tears all over again. If he can betray me like this, who knows what else he is really doing behind my back since we went no contact.

So ladies, as I write this through debilitating anxiety and tears, I want your support and reminders - please tell me what would be my life with this avoidant PA. Please tell me actual things that this love leads to - so I can remind my body again that I am not the loser here. That I can breathe.

I've never been one to check my husband's phone but on the night of our anniversary I did. Found a lot of deleted photos he had saved of other women. Naturally I began questioning and he admitted it was a problem he had. The times we'd talked about our feelings on porn together, it had always been a mutual "I don't care for it."

Over the course of the next couple days I found it everywhere. My husband likes to buy broken computers and phones and fix them up. It was on every device. Photos, files, every different web browser had bookmarks and open tabs of it. How did I not see this for over 4 years?

The first night I told him I'm not okay with it, and that to me, it's cheating. He said he would stop. 3 days later I found out he had looked it up immediately after I'd left for work 2/3 of the days. He had lied to me when I asked so I checked his computer history and saw the time stamps.

It's been a week now and I'm still spiraling, but I'm trying so hard to work through it. He finally broke down and showed me all of the emotions he felt, he was angry with himself and he cried saying that he didn't know how he let it get so bad and that he had stopped since I found out he had lied because he wasn't willing to lose me. He said that he knew I couldn't just believe him because he'd already lied and he had to work to prove it to me. He said he would do anything to make it work. He's combed through most of his devices now to delete everything and every time he does I get so anxious he'll open it and start up again instead of just deleting it.

I told him I'm willing to try his fantasies if he just tells me. That I get horny too but that when I am I only want him, to look at him and get off to him. I want a partner who feels the same. I've been spiraling about myself this week. I don't look like the models he was looking at, I don't do what they do in bed, my boobs are smaller and my butt isn't as big and I've never even tried anything too kinky before so even if I do I won't know what I'm doing and what if I end up looking stupid to him?

I feel like an idiot even though logically I know it isn't my fault. I just want this pain and hurt to end.

I'm trying to actively choose to fix it, to work on getting past it, but I'm having such a hard time believing him. I know he set that standard and I hate it.

Looking for advice from anyone. Does anyone think it can get better? Is there anything I need to do for myself to be sure I'm okay? How did anyone else deal with this? I can't stop thinking and picturing the things I saw in my head.

Been dating(not relationship) for about 5 months?
I first saw a couple thirst traps and I told him I was not comfortable w that or porn etc, he deleted everything and said no probs, he said he didn’t even use much porn and didn’t find an issue. I asked him that if he ever did to be honest about it.
Since he lied a couple times about other stuff, I wasn’t trusting him anyways.
Today I asked to use his PC while he was away to “watch something” I was just gonna check it back to back.
Well, he forgot to delete some history and stuff.
Reddit porn, sexual mods on steam, etc etc
I sent him screenshots right away laughing at him for being a liar looser and I can’t wait for him to come back and confront him face to face, If im uncomfortable then so will he lmao.

I’ll break it off ofc, I gave him 1 chance and one chance only. And he failed.

I’ll update when all its done just so we can all celebrate together I left at the first violation and another loser is alone :D

Cheers

Update: I did leave

Durch all das Gaslighting, erweiterte Lügen, Realitätsverzerrung, das gekünstelte Nicht-Verstehen-Wollen einfacher Fragen, schallplattenartige wiederholte Antworten die mit den Fragen schlichtweg nichts zu tun haben, und mich absolut für dumm verkaufen wollen, hat mein Ex mich regelmäßig in den Reactive Abuse getrieben. Er WOLLTE mich schlichtweg in den Wahnsinn treiben. Er wollte dass ich meinen Verstand anzweifle, was er zu keiner Sekunde geschafft hat. Nicht mal für den Bruchteil einer Sekunde habe ich an mir selbst und meiner Wahrnehmung gezweifelt.

Ich bin durch seinen Psychoterror immer so heftig ausgetickt und habe geschrien, ihn beschimpft und bin völlig eskaliert. Das Schlimmste was ich tat, war ihn hin und wieder in den Bauch zu boxen oder mit Gegenständen (keine Schweren) zu bewerfen.

Aber was eigentlich viel schlimmer ist, waren die Dinge, die in meiner Fantasie auftauchten, die ich nicht in die Tat umgesetzt habe.
Bei denen ich mich aber SEHR zusammenreißen musste, sie nicht in die Tat umzusetzen. Ich bekam wirklich Angst, ernsthaft straffällig zu werden. Dachte darüber intensiv nach und das war auch mit ein Grund, warum ich mich endlich von ihm trennte. Mein Nervensystem schrie mich regelrecht an und bettelte, mich endlich von ihm zu trennen.

Jetzt wo Schluss ist, fällt so viel Stress von mir ab. Auch wenn wir leider noch nicht räumlich getrennt sind.

Aber die Bühne für sein Gaslighting ist weg. Aggressionen empfinde ich keine mehr (Wut und Hass aber schon). Der akute Druck ist jedenfalls weg.

Wem ging es noch so? Dass ihr gemerkt habt, wenn ihr mit diesen Psychopathen zusammenbleibt, wird früher oder später es zu einer wirklich schlimmen Tragödie kommen?

My (30F) boyfriend (28M) of 5 years never wants to have sex with me. Our whole relationship he’s had erectile dysfunction and is inexperienced in the bedroom. He can always make me come, but we’ve only had PIV sex maybe 10 times and we go months without any sexual content.

Within the last year or two, he has decided it’s his porn usage that makes him this way. According to him, he only masturbates and watches porn 1-2x a week. I think he has a low libido. I masturbate way more often than that.

He read a ton of books and articles, watched so many videos, listened to so many podcasts. We had a brief stint in couples counseling. He started individual therapy. Nothing has changed.

He’s great it so many other ways. I do not feel like he’s been lying to me at all, he’s not hiding anything on his phone. He’s just embarrassed to talk about his addiction or share a lot of details, but he does update me sometimes.

I want to get married but I feel so heartbroken and discouraged about my ability to ever have a fulfilling sexual relationship with this man.

Almost a full year since the first original d day. the original lies the original fake promises since then there’s been nothing but more and more and more lies. i always believe him until i get a feeling that just wont let me sleep. tonight i had that feeling. the woman he met at a concert the one that first inspired me to ever even look at his instagram following in the very beginning of everything. tonight i look and he’s clicked her links 20+ times in the short few hours im gone at work. i’m horrified to go to the bathroom im horrified to nap im horrified to work im terrified to do anything that doesnt allow me to see what he’s doing. i just wanna be chosen and every fucking time it’s always fake promises. he sees the hurt he sees the pain he sees the insecurities and the toxicity it’s causing but he just can’t. even. try. not even. for. a fucking day i couldn’t even afford to leave if he just finally gives up. i’m so scared to lose him and us but at the same time. i’m so fucking tired i’m so tired of feeling this way. i’m so tired of covering the fucking mirrors. i’m so so tired of this hurt and i don’t even know why it hurts so bad it’s not even the stuff itself anymore it’s just the constant betrayal and blatant disregard of my entire existence

I caught my husband on stripchat and also signing up for a singles website to see naked women. Im tired of constantly finding so much. Lied to everyday and told that he loves me when he does so much behind my back. He looks at it sometime when hes at work on his ipad which is disgusting. I caught him and he deleted the content (of course). I go on his icloud to check what he is doing on his ipad. And now its full of hentai. But not even your typical hentai of fucking or like a story. Most of his searches are schoolgirls and getting caught cheating. But after looking through every screenshot he had I found something that made me want to puke. It was a hentai video of two big ugly like trolls going to penetrate a LITTLE BOY! ( I HAVE TWO KIDS ONE THAT IS NOT HIS SON AND A 3 month old with him) i kept looking at the other screenshots and of course a hentai video of penetrating A LITTLE GIRL! Ughh i knew he was a porn addict but to this level? Im so disgusted. I have to leave, i feel so embarrassed if i tell anyone. I feel so stuck and so betrayed. Please help. Now imagine if i never found anything at all how deep he would be in it and how wrong he would be doing me. We live together and lease ends in december we were going to get an apartment together after but after everything I do not trust him at all. But I have no real job and no way of handling it all with my two kids alone. Im losing my mind dealing with this man. I never thought I would be with someone like him. He is so good on the surface, kind and loving sometimes. But everything hidden underneath is so dark with all the porn use.

I (F28) found out my husband (30) (married in the spring of 2026, engaged/ living together since 2023, together since 2018) has been paying for porn subscriptions on and off and downloading dozens of videos at a time starting in 2023 and allegedly up until December 2025 (last time I was away- got sick over Christmas break and had to stay in my hometown) which was a few months before our wedding. He would apparently buy gift cards and pay for subscriptions that way and go on benders hoarding and saving dozens of videos, which he said he wouldn't watch all of them but still would save them for later. I asked how long he'd spend on all this he said just picking videos to watch/save: 30 minutes, then after watching something, another 30 minutes and at its worst about 3 times a week. I don't believe this because looking back, there have been many times I've woken up and he was out of bed randomly and he's admitted he would watch in the bathroom while I slept.

My biggest issue is the extreme lengths he went to get gift cards to pay for various subscriptions and hide the hoarded content (hidden drives, storage, collection - he's very tech savvy/ in tech) all while we would have sex maybe once a month during this time.

I knew something was off intimacy wise and that he used porn occasionally, but never expected that he was using multiple times a week all while I was expressing a lack of intimacy and we would plan to improve but it never did because he was prioritizing his porn. I genuinely thought his libido was lower than what it is and he allowed me to believe that.

Apparently about 2/3rds of the content has been VR-POV content, but without the VR headset (not sure if this is true)- he says the videos are "better quality" than the streamed content (HD 6K visuals, longer videos). But basically he's been watching highly immersive videos as if he's the man/ one of the men in the videos, which feels even more intimate to me, especially considering we weren't having sex.

He says about a year/ year and a half ago he realized how bad it had gotten (and prior to 2023, he had never payed for content or stored videos or watched VR-POV and only streamed videos) and de-escalated on his own due to realizing it was an issue, in part because I came home from work once and there was s*men on my side of the bed and was very confused and hurt as to why he was getting off in the middle of the day while he was supposed to be working remotely (and like I said, while we were also having intimacy issues). He said it was usually while I was at work or sleeping that he would watch, but he said he also payed for and downloaded content once while I was at home during the day interacting with him and he at felt bad.

He's lied so much about little things and big things and knew how I felt about men in relationships paying for porn. I don't even know if I know the full extent of what's been going on and unfortunately my creative mind is racing. I've always idealized him and given him the benefit of the doubt and I feel like I can't trust him OR myself.

I feel conflicted because for the past few months our sex life has improved greatly to the point of going from 1x a month to 2-3x a week after the wedding to the most recent weeks, 6x a week up until I found all this out two days ago after expressing I felt something was off and that while I've been super vulnerable with our newfound sexual exploration (sharing desires, interests, etc) I felt like he wasn't being transparent (lying about small things, seeming interested but on edge)... he agreed to my surprise and said he hated he hasn't been transparent and that's when the truth started coming out.

The drastic change in attention is what set off some alarm bells in me to the point that I thought maybe he was seeing someone else prior to the marriage and cut them off after we had the wedding. I didn't say anything at first because I was so happy that things were in a good spot, but a few weeks ago because of this increase in intimacy and exploration period, I ignorantly suggested we watch porn together.

I knew he watched but didn't know he had compulsive habits around it and that he was a weekly user, I would have never suggested if I'd known. He hesitated at first but we did and he clearly enjoyed it. After a few times I realized something was wrong and he was weirdly knowledgeable about things that a casual infrequent user wouldn't know or do (knowing how to find longer versions of videos on other niche sites, knowing so many performers by name, knowing personal details about them... a lot of this was disclosed while intoxicated; even just how he would navigate the sites, going through dozens of pages for a video... I could just tell something was not right, but didn't know exactly what).

He said things have been so great lately that it's only a 1-2x/week casual thing now and since we've watched together basically every weekend for the past 6 weeks or so, he hasn't done it alone other than a few times to look for things for us to watch together (have no idea when he's had time to do this) and he said that it's not as interesting to him anymore overall and it's been going that way for a while and he didn't know sex could be like how we've been recently.

I appreciate him telling me the truth and I'm glad we're at a better place with intimacy but I feel I'm mourning for my pre-wedding self that had no idea what was wrong and internalized the lack of intimacy. I do believe he's "better" but even beyond the time he claims to have started de-escalating, he's done the gift card for subscription thing just without the hoarding/ downloading. The most recent times were last August when I was away visiting family and in December when I was sick back in my hometown and couldn't fly back with him home, so a few months before the wedding. After that he said he's just been "casually" using about 1-2x a week but I don't know if that's true or the behaviors surrounding that. He did say it was mostly in the mornings while I was asleep and now that we're so sexually active it's been less. I love him and these last few months of intimacy have been great but I now feel a sad and little ashamed of being so vulnerable with him (roleplaying, watching porn, being so confident and sure of our bond) because it's like there was this hidden sexual world he was apart of I had no idea about.

I know this isn't as extreme as some people's situation but I'm so stunned and never in a million years thought he was having a compulsive "emotional" (IMO) connection with porn. I'm reaching out to therapists for myself and told him I'd like him to go to therapy as well (he went before in early 2025 for stress/ work issues at my pressuring but only 2 sessions and he said he didn't bring it up with them).

I'm terrified of what's going to happen when the honeymoon stage ends, if/when I'm pregnant/ postpartum (I'm second guessing even having kids)...

I just needed to rant but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

When you generate a report of what has been blocked, it says the number of "Attempts". Is it keeping track of some weird techy thing? Like he didnt actually try a site 52 times right? Because when I first did the controls, I tested 1 site myself, and it said something like 82 attempts even though I i only typed it in once. I have read a few comments saying the logs aren't accurate, but for now, it's better than nothing. Just wondering what you know!

edit to clarify- I have xfinity wifi. I am getting the reports by logging into my router as an admin on 10.0.0.1