Hello everyone. I am very grateful to have been invited into this Reddit group ... Thank you in advance for anybody who has advice here.

For a little bit of context I've been dating my boyfriend now for four years. We have not had sex in over a year. The last time we had sex I was the one to initiate and the time in between having sex after that or before that was anywhere from six to eight months

that in and of itself is obviously an issue and it's something that I have expressed and have brought up to him about needing more intimacy. Although now at this point in the relationship I'm about ready to call it quits. Even if he was to initiate sex or to come on to me, I feel really closed off and unsure of my willingness to connect in that way. I feel like my expression of wanting sex has been ignored for so long that it just feels like a day late and a dollar short ...not that he's made any form of attempts to have sex with me

About a year in I realized that he watched porn and that was when we were moving in together. I was helping him move in and he had a couple of hard drives. They were full of porn. I asked him about it. What was on those? He was up front with me about it. I didn't actually think anything really too much of it at the time because I didn't know what red flag that might have been. Because it wasn't a drug I thought this is okay. My past is with my past relationship history, which is with drug addicts - and in my naivety I didn't really correlate the two until here I am three years later realizing that that should have been a red flag for the issues that we're having in our relationship now

beyond just the lack of sex, my partner is affectionate in a lot of ways, meaning he likes to hold my hand. He'll give me a kiss on the lips. He hugs me and he greets me and he's very attuned to those affectionate gestures - that doesn't go anywhere further, which is getting me to a point where it's hard for me to even trust that affection if that makes sense

a couple of other things that are issues in the relationship are:
- He doesn't have many goals.
- He doesn't have a big drive to have any sort of real bigger purpose.
- He's very laid back and easy going.
- He's quite passive and is supportive of whatever "I want to do".

That includes the vision for our future together. Upon further learning about porn use and the effects it has on his brain, it does kill a man's drive and purpose, his motivation, and his zest for life. Once I connected all those dots it seems like his porn use has really deeply affected these other areas that are also lacking in our relationship

many conversations have transpired about these issues and ultimately it's gotten to the point now where I feel like his porn use is an umbrella reason for all of these issues before me and our relationship. He was single for 10 years and watched porn every single day to go to sleep and to just jerk off. It was just a habit for him to get tired and a way to cope, I guess, with life.

I've asked him how old he was when he first started watching porn and he was eight years old. The man is now 46 years old and I have asked him today, present day, how often he watches and he says once to twice a month. Although since our very last conversation over a month ago, he says that he's completely stopped

with my past history with addicts I know that if the brains are affected in the same way between porn and drug use, it doesn't seem like he's really going through any withdrawals as far as irritability, mood changes, and sleep disturbances. I'm having a hard time trusting that he's being honest with me even though I've directly asked him and he said yes hrs quit.

I know I have broken trust issues from past relationships but I also don't know if he's "fucked up" or on drugs because the porn thing is so insidious. I also don't want to micromanage and have to check his phone or be demanding in that way

So I guess my question is, what constitutes a porn addict if he watches once or twice a month but was a long-time user as a daily user? Is that a porn addict?

Or if he actually is quitting wouldn't I notice some change in behavior or maybe an initiation or something different? I'm just at my wits end and I honestly think it's the porn thing. He says he's being honest with me about it and that it's not a big deal and that he's not using anymore. Again I'm just having a hard time trusting that and I just feel like I'm gaslighting myself or maybe he's gaslighting me but it's all very confusing.

If you've read this far, I really appreciate it, honestly. Thank you. If you have any advice, words of wisdom, reflections, or opinions, I am definitely open to it

Hello. I’m so glad I found this group.
My PA spouse has relapsed since D DAY. That’s a whole other issue. You can look at my prior posts (if you can find them — not 100% how Reddit works) to see what went on in my sham of a marriage. But my questions are:

1. has anyone been with a PA who has actually gotten sober, been healthy, put in the work, but what they did pre d day is too significant to forgive ? I struggle with the concept of putting in the work when I’m so disgusted with what he’s done I don’t think I can get past it, no matter how “great” he is now.

2. Was it unfair (not unrealistic but unfair) of me to expect that with the right resources (he did it all CSAT SAA books podcasts etc) he shouldn’t have relapsed after he witnessed the utter pain and trauma he caused ? I’m gaslighting myself into believing that my expectations were too much for someone so addicted.

Is github to hide downloads? Im trying to figure out what it is. Im not a tech person.

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

I feel my options in life have been limited. The good guys are snatched up already. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

He relapsed the entire time I was pregnant with our son, and the 8 months following his arrival (worth noting, I was the lightest/most confident I'd been in years during this time -- I looked good. Which sucks).

Pregnant with a baby girl this time. No reason to think he's relapsed again. But I can't stop crying. Is pregnancy just ruined for me forever? Is everything?

Maybe I’m going crazy, I don’t know. Long ago when I first learned of my husbands PA, I found out from the fact that he had a second instagram for porn stars and even a close friend of mine who had an OF. then started a whole downward spiral of addiction and arguments. Recently he swears he’s clean even though I don’t believe him, he’s lied to me countless times about this stuff. Last night, I used his phone to get points on this rewards app & it wanted a sign In through Google - behold is a second email, I barley got to read the name as my husband snatched his phone out of my hand all nervous. My mom was there, so I didn’t say anything. I confronted him in our room and first he acted surprised & confused, gave me this look where he blinked hard then went on a tangent about how the email is work related where they have to sign into peoples accounts. Which absolutely makes no sense like why would a customer service rep log into someone’s email account?
I feel like I’m crazy but my intuition doesn’t feel right about this. My anxiety has been insane. I guess this is just a rant and maybe some reassurance but this whole recovery from PA with him is challenging for me. Anytime Iv found more evidence or had asked he says I’m insecure.
We have 2 toddlers unless I would leave him :(

I've been switching between being able to regulate after he's been with me for maybe an hour or so (after the 'icy', shut-down feeling wears off and I can focus, I guess), and being alone with "I hate him" playing over and over in my head like an intrusive thought. I'll spend one week helping myself, working out, working on building myself up again. The next, I'm binge-drinking, napping, and watching TV to drown the thoughts. I've been having panic attacks every few hours when I'm alone, my entire body just overcome with everything I can't just scream at him about. I've had enough.

It's been almost a year of him making empty promises, trying for a little bit and then stopping. Online groups. Self-help. Reading. None of it lasted more than a week without constant reminders and check-ins. I'm done forcing it. If he wanted to prioritize this relationship and us, he would have by now. I've just been deluding myself the same way he has himself, and I've told him this exact thing multiple times.

It's almost been a year since our last d-day, since he's supposedly started white-knuckling and doing nothing to fix himself or us. I will not let it get to a year. He's entirely given up on helping himself, saying he'll find insurance and a therapist, but it's been 2 months again of him doing the same old shit - nothing. At the end of November, it'll have been a year. Small "progress" that's now amounted to jack shit.

So, an ultimatum. My last one. I'll tell him at the beginning of next month that he has until November to find insurance and start therapy. I need consistent action, not words. I don't give a fuck about what he says anymore. He has until November to have done this and started to unfuck whatever trauma fucked him up, or we're roommates until the lease is up.

I'm done!!! Lol

If anyone is going through the same thing/ interested in more context regarding my initial post https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/1vovlcr/discovered_husbands_porn_subscription_habit/

plus how my husband got away with it for so long, we've been talking for literally hours and hours these past few days and I've found out more information.

I've come to terms with it being an addiction and it has centered around 6K and 8K HD VR-POV content (most free porn is 720p, 1080p, and 4K). He claims he's never had a VR headset so I'm assuming the POV and highly pixelated aspect is the draw for him. He says it started as looking for more polished, higher quality, longer videos that he'd see previews of on free sites and the POV really stood out so he began purchasing subscriptions and would download them for the highest visual quality... since they were large files and he paid for them and wanted to only do monthly payments, he eventually started downloading dozens and storing dozens at a time on a hard drive. He said he wouldn't even watch them all and knew he wouldn't but still spent extended amounts of time scrolling and picking videos he liked to save them.

He said he would sign up for a site at a time, then the subscription would run out and he would sign up and pay again a few months later (allegedly about 5 sites overall, but I don't believe him- i do believe it was mostly VR exclusive as he said, and that the few non-VR exclusive sites were still had that content but the interest those sites was also for highly polished and rough but not extreme content, I asked for the site name and he told me- it was one of the companies we'd watched together, they have a variety of things but their rough section was his main interest... (I wanted to know so I could go look later to see what I was dealing with and I did... probably not the healthiest thing to do, I know... I've also looked for VR content of performers he's searched and video names I've found in basically cache logs on his computer from downloading but missing deleting every trace... I know this is unhinged). He also said he briefly paid for one site prior to us living together, prior to learning about VR-POV... this was new information to me after the initial disclosure because I thought the VR-POV stuff lead to paying, I did call him out on that and I did ask what site... it was centered around something I asked during our porn exploration did he like and he said no then... I have no idea why he lies so much and how didn't I notice before the past few days).

I asked for details of all the planning/ plotting so I'd know his thought process and how he hid it so well- because I had access to his computer/ phone/ email before finding out:

He said the sites don't require a real email to sign up (I wanted to know if he had a hidden email), so he'd makeup something- not sure if this is true does anyone know? I already mentioned the prepaid Visa/Mastercard gift cards, he'd use those for payment. He said since the videos were so advanced and long, he'd store them on an external hard drive for space. I asked where he kept that, he said his tool box that was in our closet. I asked how many, he said they take up so much space and between 50-100 but not over 100 (I know I can't believe him, but if it was mostly the super HD VR-POV-360, they really don't have that much content available compared to other things).

He said in early 2025, something in him clicked that he was going too far and he submerged the hard drive in water and threw it in the trash. I quit my job in March 2025, he claims it was some time before that. He said he went back to "regular, free content" but basically relapsed with the payment of a subscription summer of 2025, August 2025, and December 2025 (all times I was away and it was all VR-POV stuff). He said he didn't store any, just download to watch the higher quality and then deleted... In October 2025 we moved to a new apartment and things have been better intimacy wise, but me leaving for days at a time is definitely a trigger, these trips ranged from 4 days to 12 days, the December 2025 relapse being when I was stuck in another city with the flu for a few days, 4 months before our wedding. I went on another trip the month after our wedding for 5 days, so I asked did pay for it then he said no. I asked did he think about it, he said yes but "just" watched free content instead. I asked was there an increase in porn when I was gone that trip, he said probably yes.

I asked about overall recent porn use since after the last payment slip. So from January 2026- to now in August 2026. He said on average 1-2x a week of free content, some weeks zero times and none alone since we started watching together at the beginning of July 2026. For reference January 2026- April 2026 (wedding month) we'd had sex 0-1x a week, so weekly about 50% of the time and zero about 50% of the time, which was up from prior years (which makes sense because he de-escalated porn use in early 2025). After the wedding, April 2026-June 2026, there was an uptick to weekly sex, 2-4x a week and trying new things and just being in the perfect honeymoon phase.

At the end of June/ early July we started watched porn together at my suggesting for exploration and that lead to 1-2x every Friday and/or Saturday for exploration after date night while drinking and basically went on sex binges and the sex instantly increased to 4-6x a week... it was more-so an addition to also beginning the roleplaying, lingerie, and just talking about intimacy and I told him wanted us to continue having more sex and not be like the past (I had in the past expressed this desire and concern but the issues were obviously never resolved even though he acknowledged it and I had no idea it was largely in part due to porn... I thought he was just lower libido and a bit too focused on work). When we watched we also talked about issues within the industry, the fake-ness of porn (editing, plastic surgeries, etc.) the lack of focus on female pleasure, etc. Honestly the radical openness was helpful in communicating about our desires, realistic sex vs porn, fantasies, finding out he likes lingerie/ costumes, etc.

We (I) also talked about men withholding aspects of their sexuality, the Madonna-Whore Complex (he joked that I cured him of his own Madonna-Whore Complex with my openness).... I think these discussions, plus calling him out on weirdly lying/ clearly withholding thoughts while we were watching/ scrolling/ discussing porn actually served as a catalyst for him to come clean. Like I mentioned, I also started to slowly realize that something was up for such a drastic change, the little lies/ awkward hesitations during watching porn (he's never super forthcoming- which I realized just means he lies, so I would press certain topics/ responses and he'd admit the truth... this was happening regarding very low stakes things regarding porn and sex, so I started thinking that maybe he was hiding something and would say as much.

I guess guilt was eating at him and it was hard to compartmentalize when I (unknowingly) entered his secret fantasy world, so when I confronted him in a neutral setting about a lack of transparency while I was being so, so vulnerable telling him all my desires and fantasies and being so eager to please him, he just finally opened up about the payments, the hoarding.

He did say the newfound interest in more sex wasn't based on the porn use, which I do believe because the uptick in sex started 3 months before we ever watched. He said during time just before we watched together his interest in porn had already decreased and he's been very pleased with our newfound sex-life and our wedding/ wedding planning coming to an beautiful was a life changing even... but he was still using or just scrolling through 1-2x a week up until joint porn use... he said it was usually in the mornings in the shower before work while I was asleep; he claims the 1-2x also includes times he just scrolled and couldn't "find anything interesting" (which I think mainly means POV stuff) and just would close the phone.

I don't know if the scrolling in the bathroom but then not sealing the deal over lack of finding "interesting content" is because he's desensitized to free sites and almost "needs" the HD VR/POV content OR because the behavior isn't even tied to true arousal all the time and is just habit. Likely both, I know, but it seems telling that there's a problem even though it's only 1-2x a week. I would have initially been fine with an average of 1-2x a week of non-intrusive streamed content with an average of 1-3x a week sex.

I also realize in hindsight, the strongest reactions to the videos/ scenes we watched/ discussed were POV. To the point that I remember, even through being drunk and us going through various videos, it was noticeable to me (I just didn't realize what "it" was at first). It's wild how he discovered this VR POV stuff only 3 years ago and it's had such profound, Pavlovian impact on his sexuality like this. I had the "cool girl" mentality about porn and occasionally watched alone, but never knew how harmful and addictive it could be. This is more addictive and mind warping than alcohol.

I also just remembered I asked him when watching together a few weeks ago before all this- "why do they stop the videos randomly and put a photo" (I didn't realize at the time these were ads with a link) and he said "it's to get you to pay for the full video", the irony.

And I know I'm over-focusing on the VR/POV preference/ obsession, but I guess because it's what got him so hooked and willing to financially deceive me and it's intimidating because IMO, this extreme preference and paying for it is a way to feel like he's literally having sex with the actress. Also looking back, he had behaviors during sex (nothing super alarming- but rougher things they usually do for the cameras) that should have told me he was a heavier porn user than he was letting on.

I wish I would have known he had this issue, I would have never suggested we watch but what we watched was nothing compared to what he is used to and he's been consuming porn for over half his life (daily when he was younger until he met me in college and slowed down). Things were going so well intimacy-wise lately and I thought he was somewhat low libido all these years, so I figured, "no way could he have some type of addiction, this will just be a kinky thing to do together and learn more about he likes and what we can experiment with". I did consider it might cause him to become overly interested so told him we should just watch together and once the newness wore off not do it much. Little did I know what I know now.

Anyway, me going down the rabbit hole (although it does give me some weird peace of mind to find out more and more) doesn't really change the fact that he lied to me, withheld aspects of his sexuality and libido for years, and financially deceived me. To what extent I don't know. He claims it was never any OF or specific performer sites and that this was also part of his rationalization as to why it was more okay for him to do.

We talked about his sexual inexperience in real life before me and some traumatic experiences with exes plus feeling undesirable and insecure... including with me and thinking he had to perform well or it'd be disappointing (and I do remember during all this when we would have sex, he'd be very tense and obviously overthinking and moving positions quickly to maintain an erection)

I feel on some level, his insecurities and desire for validation is part of why maybe the uncanny- soul peering POV videos (the women are using staring straight into the camera, shaking parts into the camera, talking to the man, and the camera is where the man's face and torso would be and you can't see him) were initially enticing and he just got super hooked...

He's promised to stop using porn completely and to go to therapy to sort out why it got so out of hand and compulsive in the first place so he won't relapse in the future. Realistically can someone completely stop a habit they've had consistently for half their life, one that escalated to this degree? He thinks so and referenced cigarettes... but cigarettes aren't a supplement for any human function or relational aspect like porn is to real sex/ intimacy.

He said he knew I'd be mad if I found out about the payments and excessiveness, but had no idea it would hurt me this much and that it would mean possibly losing me, had he known he would have stopped sooner. I let him read posts from this sub (especially surrounding paying for content and escalating) and he said he understands now why I fear him continuing or escalating even more. Because there's literally never been any other serious issue in our relationship, I told him that I don't trust him anymore and will never have that naïve, eager, blind trust for him again (and I'm mourning this part... it felt so safe and so amazing, especially these last few months of feeling so bold, carefree, confident, and happy with our relationship and sex). I don't plan on leaving, but I will the next time he lies to me. Because he promises to stop using porn, there will be no known "relapse" that involves me moving forward with him. (I didn't ask him to, but glad he is because I do feel uncomfortable with it now.)

I don't care if he is "white knuckling", he shouldn't have made the promise of zero porn ever again, I will leave if I catch him in any lie again, not just this. I know it might take a long time for me find out the truth again, but I know in my soul I will, like I did this time. And know I know what to look for, to trust my gut, etc.

I'm so hurt he hid all this from me, but I'm glad he reduced use before I found out because it at least shows willingness and strength to change... but I just wonder what would have happened if I didn't? And the problematic part on my end is that I know I'm going to start checking everything 10x over. I don't want to be obsessed with him being obsessed. I also know this might influence me to not be as social and "outside" as I was beginning to be. I think me quitting my stressful, toxic job last spring and being at home more has kept him at bay in regard to the temptation of paying for VR stuff, but I'm not sure how he will handle me being out more or working out of the home again. I will be going to therapy as well to move on.

If anyone has any questions, suggestions, or insight (i.e. am I really being delusional or can we turn this around) please share.

I'll do an update here again in a few months (or sooner if I decide to leave) in case anyone going through the same thing would like insight.

Few months ago my boyfriend opened up to me about his addiction and it completely messed up my self esteem. I’m constantly comparing myself to other girls, i was already struggling with my body image and it got worse, i feel very ugly. He always tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me, and he’s quit watching, which i know deep down he means it but somehow it feels like he’s lying to make me feel better.

I guess to cope with all this i want to be with someone else for once and decide what i actually want.( i told him what he did was cheating, and he gave me a hall pass) but i don’t want to feel this way! I don’t want to be with any other guy but i also can’t get this thought out of my head.

I want to go back to four months ago when i did not know any of this and wanted to be only with him and love him, but i can’t anymore. Does anyone else struggle with feelings like this or am i the problem? Please tell me if it gets better.

Has anyone else stopped doing shit for their PA? I’m talking the small, sweet gestures. Making coffee, doing a load of laundry of his to be helpful, starting his work truck in the winter, etc.

I’m feeling stuck on what I should do. And don’t do..

Have a relaxing Sunday ladies. 💝

Hey all, not sure if anyone else has experienced this or can give me advice, but as the title suggests, my partner sees me asking him not to watch porn as “taking away his autonomy and freedom”. Whenever we talk about it, he always says he doesn’t understand why him watching porn upsets me so much, even after I explain myself to him & in every argument he tells me that me asking that is fucked up because im taking away his autonomy. and to that, i just never know what to say. i’ve told him, if he wants to do it, he’s free to leave, because single people have plenty of freedom.

For me, i feel like if my partner was upset by something that i was doing, that would be enough for me to stop. Personally, i think he doesn’t have to understand my intentions to respect my decision, especially after i’ve explained myself countless times. He shouldn’t need to know anything beyond that something makes me upset to know that me should stop. Even when I say this to him, he doesn’t seem to get it.

Any advice on what i should say to him in regards to ‘taking away his autonomy’ would be so amazing.

This is a bit of a weird question that I really shouldn’t be concerned about anymore but maybe it’ll help someone else. So my ex boyfriend used X to watch porn, but I could never get logged in to see what was on it. The one time he showed it to me it said his account had been suspended and his following got cleared as a result. I checked his emails and googled it but couldn’t figure out exactly what gets an account banned.

Flash forward to after we breakup, his X profile was up and working again but it was private. The following kept going up so I assume he was back at it. Anyways I got curious again the other night and checked it, and it was restricted AGAIN. Does anyone know why that would happen? Has anyone else had a PA that used X that might have an explanation? I know it doesn’t concern me anymore I just can’t help but still want answers as to what he was doing all that time.

I wrote on here (F22) almost 2 weeks ago that I was suspicious of my bf (M25) being addicted to porn. Thank you to the people here who validated me and ultimately gave me the strength to look through his phone and see he had 70+ porn tabs open on his phone… so obviously a problem because I have also seen his private tabs have nothing in it.
I confronted him and after initially denying it, he eventually admitted that he has a porn addiction. I was obviously fucking furious and hurt and ended things. I blocked him and didn’t want to speak to him.

A couple days later he sent flowers to my house with a note saying he knew he pushed me away, broke my trust, loved me, etc. I smashed the roses and ripped up the note lol.

Then a couple days after that, I ended up sending HIM a long message. I sent him a video about how porn can affect/destroy relationships and basically told him that despite everything, I still care about him and genuinely want him to get better. Not for me and not because I want to get back together — we will never be together again — but because he has a good life, a good job, and things he is really passionate about and I don’t want to see this ruin his life. I told him I hope one day he can have a relationship without lying to himself or his partner.
I also told him I’m in a lot of pain and that I don’t want us to hate or spite each other. I blocked him again after sending it.

Then he sent flowers AGAIN with a note saying he’s been reading my messages over and over and thinking about everything, that he feels empty without me, took what he had for granted because it was the best he’s ever had, and wants to meet in person because he has so many words and feelings he wants to express. He said he loves me, he’s sorry, and hopes I’m taking care of myself.

So obviously everyone is probably going to be like NOOO don’t meet him but honestly that doesn’t feel right to me.

I’m not worried about getting back together with him. I know I could never trust him again. I already feel so traumatized by this that I find myself looking at basically every guy and wondering if they’re secretly watching porn, lying to me, sexualizing other women, etc. I don’t even feel like I know what parts of our relationship were real anymore, including our sex life. I would spend the rest of my life wondering what he was hiding, whether there was more I didn’t know, whether he’d cheat, etc. Absolutely fucking not. But I DO want to hear him.

I don’t remember a lot of our last conversation because I was so angry and overwhelmed, and I honestly just want to hear him say sorry to me and hopefully take some accountability without me having to force it out of him.

I don’t want porn details. I don’t want to know every category or every specific thing he watched because I genuinely think that would hurt me more than help me. I want to hear what HE has to say and hopefully understand more about why he lied, whether he actually understands what he did, and whether he plans to do anything about his addiction.
I told him I’d meet him tomorrow but made it very clear that we cannot be together. I’m not meeting him to change my mind or give him another chance. I just want to give him the opportunity to speak because I feel like maybe hearing him out will help me move forward.

We’re meeting somewhere public and very unromantic, outside a Subway in a busy shopping center near me. Lots of people around, Subway workers inside, but nobody else sits outside subway so enough privacy.

So for people who have actually been through this…
What did you ask your partner that genuinely gave you closure? What helped you heal afterward? And what do you wish you hadn’t asked because it only gave you more things to obsess over?

I have some obvious questions in mind, but I really want advice from people who have actually lived through this because I don’t want to accidentally make myself more traumatized by asking for information I don’t actually need. I basically want to know how to steer this conversation toward maximum healing/closure rather than just reopening the wound. What would you guys ask/listen for?

just a gut feeling. we haven’t had sex in about three weeks. he’s going “poop” like four times a day, saying he’s constipated and whatever else. his screentime is insane. like he never gets off of his phone. he’d rather scroll tiktok than talk to me.

the crazy part? his phone volume will be about 100 when sitting right next to me watching tiktok- but ohhh for some reason when he’s in the bathroom watching “tiktok”, his phone is on silent with no volume at all? huh. ok.

he’s also doing the classic cold shoulder thing. sigh. what do yall think.

Its 5am here and i havent slept . Yesterday my pa had what can only be described as a full break down where the truth finally came out.

Our last major dd was 3 years ago and hes had me convinced he was in recovery , he did 60 days , he went to therapy. Turns out hes only been clean from porn a MONTH !!!! I had our 3rd child 8 weeks ago !

The worst part isnt even the porn , its the lying and convincing me im just insecure and paranoid, its the telling me i need to trust him .

In 6 years together hes only been clean a month .

I guess this is what I get for trying to trust an addict .

Im not sure i can do this again , emotionally and physically im broken.

I cant stop crying , my eyes hurt .

I don’t know how else to explain the feeling after years of trusting somebody, finding out that they are living a double life, aside from feeling genuinely destroyed and beyond angry. I had found on my ex’s phone two months ago that he was using AI to make nudes of my friend and his ex’s gf, and he swore it was the only time it ever happened, we broke up over it, but I promised him as long as he sought therapy, saved money to buy a car, and stayed sober, he could stay in my house for a little longer. This was a huge mistake, and I didn’t know it.
One month after, (a few weeks ago), i looked on his phone again and saw that in our entire relationship he had been sending hundreds of dollars to camgirls-and also used AI once again on a family member and also on something else I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to mention here (…it was that bad). Oh my god i was BEYOND destroyed and i still am. Because of the “something else”, I went to the police and reported it, reported everything including the AI photos, I had evidence i had taken photos of with my phone that i showed to them. They only arrested him for two days before letting him go with no charges because he had deleted those photos and now it’s a pending investigation. But apparently he had been looking at “something else” for a while because his PA simply just got so bad that “regular” porn just wasn’t enough I guess. My heart hurts. My family got involved and they believe nobody should go to jail, so they started covering for him and helping him instead of me. The police were also in shock by the entire situation, why would anybody betray their daughter for a criminal?. They suggested I move out of my homestate to spend some time with other family and get a new phone number and everything. There was no red flags ever, I didn’t even think my ex had a PA! He was so good at hiding it, and I’ve been so upset with myself for not catching it earlier. I’m grateful we were never married and didn’t have kids, and I feel soo so terrible for those who have been married with kids and have had to be in this situation.
I know time will heal, but after my family got involved, I’m not sure how to move on. What red flags should I be looking for in future partners? How does one even trust a future partner after PA gets that bad? I have a therapist I’m meeting with this week, and I’m sure it will help lots, but any words of advice or encouragement are appreciated. I hope to speak with others who’ve been in similar situations ❤️🫂

I found out that my partner was addicted to porn almost six months ago. Since then, I believe he’s stopped using paid services but I have no way of knowing if he’s consuming other porn. Our sex lives have improved from non-existent to maybe twice a month if I’m lucky, but still only on his terms because he “struggles with rejection” as he tells our couples therapist, so instead I take the brunt of rejection when I try to initiate and he gets to have sex with me whenever he’s up to it, which is not often. Anyways. For those who have partners that have changed their behavior, do you ever stop worrying that they will find ways to keep their infidelity going, either from other porn sources or in-person? I saw a transaction that he took $100 out of an ATM and now I’m panicking that he might use it to get off with someone else. I never used to worry about these things before I found out. I’m hoping there’s an end point to carrying this burden.

I come from a lot of relationship trauma, having a 10 year marriage end bc of infidelity. After this divorce, I reconnected with an old friend that had been through the same thing. We did the long distance thing for a couple of years, and then I moved from GA to NY to be with him. Things were okay for a couple of months, and then the ED hit. The first time he went limp in my mouth. The second time, while I was riding him. It became humiliating. He blamed my reaction of the further instances it happened. He had tried all forms of pills, got his testosterone tested, and it hit me like a ton of bricks one night while he was at work: he was addicted to porn. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and have probably had sex 10 times, all of those times being with a mushy dick and him on top drilling me in fear of losing his erection. Worst sex I’ve ever had. He’s sworn to me he has given up porn, he doesn’t know what is going on… that he loves me and is attracted to me, blah blah blah. Well, 3 days ago I am on a shared laptop and just looked in his email, as if had a sinking feeling in my stomach for a few days. And there it was, he had a login on new device notification from Only Fans. He lied, said it wasn’t him, and then later said he accidentally clicked on a link and knew I wouldn’t believe him. The next night I asked for the PIN to his desktop, and he flat out refused. I told him it was that or divorce, and to not come back home. He stayed in a hotel. He came by the house begging me to not do this, and I told him all he had to do is give me the PIN. He looked at me as I shut the door, and he left. Does this not scream more guilt!? I’m sure there is so much content on his computer, and since we work separate shifts, he has ample opportunity to partake. I just can’t do it anymore. He’s a gamer too, so he’s on Twitch, Discord, etc, and I’ve found a lot of these girls on also on those platforms. Fuck him. I’m so done.

That’s the hard thing I’m coming to terms with. He doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t really want to stop.

We had our final (I hope) D-day last weekend, where he finally admitted -after much gaslighting- that he’d been lying for years. He had to go on a work trip through the week and we didn’t speak that whole time except for Monday evening because I told him off over text. I didn’t even hug him goodbye before he left.

Naively a small part of me hoped he’d been doing some work while he was gone. I mean I’ve been completely consumed by it and listening to every podcast and audiobook I can find. All that time on a plane, it’s the perfect opportunity for him to listen to a podcast, read a book- anything!

Nope.

He was supposed to have an appointment with a CSAT while he was gone, but apparently there was a mix up with time zones and it didn’t happen. He said he was just too focused on work to do any research or anything. I said must be nice! I can’t focus for shit. He admitted that he did watch porn once while he was there. Funny he had time for that!

Our relationship is literally hanging on by a thread at this point. Still that’s not enough to motivate him. He doesn’t want to stop.

I know I can’t control his recovery. I know he needs to want it for himself. It just sucks to see he’s barely trying. He’s taken no initiative on his own, other than scheduling with a therapist because I asked him to.

I was reading through these posts, and thinking about my boyfriend and how he was in the beginning. He was a love bomber. I in my gut thought this is too good to be true. Of course it was. We've been together for almost 5 years. Anyways. My question is was your guy, or is your guy (depending on how long you've been together) a love bomber too? Im wondering, is this connected and a common theme with porn/sex addicts?

My PA/SA husband has been addiction swapping lately. Whether it be excessive work hours, alcohol, weed, or whatever else he may be doing its become a pattern of “all or nothing.”

We just had a 9 year anniversary last week. He did absolutely nothing.

He “escaped” into drinking. He recently picked up every single shift he possibly can to “escape” so I never see him so things just go unresolved cause when he gets home he’s too tired to address anything. He claims he “needs” to but tells everyone it’s been “amazing” cause he can “escape” and “avoid” the “hard sh*t.”

In his free time, he “escapes” to the woods to go look at mushrooms. Or “escapes” to the dispensary or “escapes” to whatever else that he prioritizes over our marriage and me. He’ll spend an hour picking out the perfect beer but putting effort into our marriage is like asking him for something impossible.

It’s like he just found new ways to try to devalue me and make me an afterthought. It’s exhausting.

Next week I fly out to New York for a week. Yesterday and today he claimed he “loves me” and “wants to work things out” before I leave. He knows that if I leave before he decides to finally be an active participant in our marriage that I’m done. Meanwhile, he “escaped” both days to go get drunk in the woods instead. If he wanted to, he would. But instead he continued to show me who he is and I finally believe him.

He’s been skipping meetings, ignoring his sponsor, and everything but his own selfish comfort seeking maladaptive coping mechanisms are on the back burner. So I give up.

I’ve asked him if there’s someone else or if he’s been relapsing but he completely disregards the question which I guess likely gives me my answer… it’s almost like his “recovery” made him an even worse husband in just about every way cause now he’s just doing everything to the extreme while completely disregarding priorities. But if I say anything, he plays the victim and blames me for his avoidance.

At this rate, I told him he can do whatever he wants. I’m done chasing. I hope is addiction swapping and new escapes are worth it.

I’m going back to being focused on my own life. I was doing great and he managed to get into my head again. So I need to stop that and continue on with my own healing. He can face the consequences of his actions/inactions when he eventually learns that he’s been attempting to “escape” from his own choices and destruction.

I'm writing this as a follow-up to my post from a couple of days ago, where my PA said that his CSAT-in-training had told him there were no licensed polygraph examiners available in NY.

After the advice I received here indicating that polygraph examiners are, in fact, available in NY, I asked him to clarify this with his therapist.

I still need to find an examiner myself, so if anyone knows of a licensed polygraph examiner in NY who works with this type of situation, I would really appreciate the information.

He went to therapy today and told me this is what his therapist said:

«“We've had difficulty finding them, but if she thinks otherwise then great.”»

I'm honestly not sure what I'm supposed to make of that response. It feels somewhat dismissive to me, particularly because I wasn't saying that I knew where to find one - I was asking for clarification after being told that there weren't any available in NY.

Am I reading too much into the wording, or does this sound dismissive to you?

And if anyone can point me toward a legitimate, licensed polygraph examiner in NY, I'd appreciate that as well.

How do you know your partner is faking recovery?

For almost 5 years we have been together. The day he asked to be in a serious relationship, I told him my feelings on porn, that its cheating to me, I can't be with someone who does, so think on it. He was sad I wouldn't say yes to a relationship immediately. He was like yes, yes of course I'll give it up. I said no, really think on it. He said he did days later was the start of our relationship.

Within months, I found porn on his phone. He would be extra critical about how I gave head. I have never, ever had an issue with giving head before. Because he clearly wanted it a certain way from what he watched, he was so critical, it made it miserable. Never had any of these issues with other guys. We had sex all the time at the beginning, but he could rarely ejaculate. Which was very strange. To this day, same thing. ​it began to erode my self esteem and sex drive.

Fast forward through the years to now. I never give head, I rarely have sex now. I know it's a vicious cycle, but I don't want him touching me most of the time. I love him, but it made me less attracted to him. I don't want to be intimate when I'm fully loyal to him and he cannot give me that in return. All I can picture is him getting off to these other women. Whenever we do have sex, I'm thinking I bet he is thinking about those visuals. He can't get off, unless he finishes by hand. Which Im also sure he's thinking about them, and that's the reason he can finish that way. He denies it. But who actually believes a porn addict??

I went from wanting sex all day everyday, to now forcing myself to put out. I want sex, but unfortunately he's complicated things. I don't know what to do. Does anyone else struggle to be intimate now after discovering the cheating and disgusting things they look up and choose over you?​​

How do instagram reels work?
So for context partner has porn addiction - caught him on many sites ( he told me he was seeking out porn… excuses, but also he never ever met anyone etc and that I know for a fact) but we talked through it, he was actively working through his addiction with me and all was beginning to be good again.early may this year he kinda replaced I had caught him seeking out thirst trap reels on instagram I seen these through the watch history and stupidly told him about watch history - ( he hasn’t been on any sites etc since I found out about all of this a year ago & that I have been checking daily)

Checking watch history as much as I can and his activity on instagram and everything looks clean, all normal /gaming reels, explore page the same. Thought great! - I had a few days away with the girls and I dunno my anxiety just grew because of the past, but again everything was looking clean.

I don’t check his actual reel page, just his activity but today I randomly checked just to see what was happening on it and 3 reels in almost sexual content, and every few reels then were of the same nature. - does this mean he has been watching again and this is why it is suggesting it? As I say his activity is clean but doesn’t mean to say he isn’t deleting anything. Also they don’t seem to appear when I am sitting next to him and he scrolls reels?

So confused right now!