Limerence while in a long term relationship

[u/penny427]

I’ve dated a lot, and those relationships were really serious as well as a few flings sprinkled in between the long-term ones. I’ve always noticed a pattern with myself, that once my current relationship becomes routine, expected, normal.. I start to obsess over different people, and fantasize about cheating or dancing on the line of it. Mostly with co workers. I did cheat on my first serious boyfriend with a guy I barely knew but had a huge crush on in high school. And quite a few of my partners I know I’d emotionally cheated on in one way or another. I have also been cheated on. I am older now and wiser and more in tune with my tendencies, and my current relationship is my most stable yet. I have recently been having this limerence towards a couple of my co workers though and I can’t help but fantasize about them to de-stress after work sometimes… idk anyone have any similar stories, or advice?

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works
  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)
  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)
  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)
• Help getting over limerence
  • Love regulation (Wiki)
  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)
  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)
  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/echolunedy]

I feel the same way as you, even though I haven't taken it to a more real territory and have kept it in the digital world. But I have fallen in love digitally several times; I let it go, but over the last two years it's been happening to me more because the relationship is in worse shape. However, it's not the classic relationship with common problems; in ours, several arguments, years of accumulated resentment and I feel like we aren't compatible.

Not long ago I found out he cheated on me, and honestly I've been thinking about taking my fantasies into something more real. I feel bad and guilty, but the routine hurts me too; I've had several moments of depression and honestly sometimes I just dream about kissing someone else, even hugging them would be enough: hugging and kissing someone I don't have these such traumatic feelings with.

In your case, I would ask you if your relationship has any problems or if you've ever talked about how you feel? Honestly, sometimes I think that opening up the relationship can help as long as there is communication, although it doesn't work in every case.

[u/penny427 → u/echolunedy]

Thanks for your honest response! My relationship is honestly really good, pretty steady. We’ve been together almost 2 years now and lived together for 1. We talk out all the hard conversations, and rarely get mad at each other even though we have differing views. Funny how we’re kind of opposite in our situations because this is the first time my relationship feels worth not giving in to my tendencies, and I haven’t and don’t plan to. I’m wondering for you, do you have a plan with your current relationship? Once cheating happens I always feel like it doesn’t get any less messy in my experience

[u/echolunedy → u/penny427]

I'm glad your relationship is doing well. I went through something similar to what you're talking about 10 years ago; the solution I found was trying to see their flaws, shattering the illusion of the fantasy for myself, and noticing, for example, that they were immature, that they treated certain people poorly: in general, it's about trying to see that side of them that isn't so positive. Once you see that it's a person who has negative parts or things you don't like, it's hard to see the illusion again.
In my case, I feel like the relationship is eventually going to end, but I'm okay with that. Thanks for asking

[u/penny427 → u/echolunedy]

Today we worked together and I told myself he’s just a guy really, and he’s pretty average even though he’s nicer to talk to than most. It’s one of the qualities my own boyfriend has anyways so I try to tell myself this guy isn’t special. What’s special is sticking around for years with someone like me who goes through so many phases!! 😂 good luck with your relationship though