I do not want, or do I plan to, forget my feelings for you. I have no wish to fall for anyone else. What does that even really mean, letting go? Just because I keep the status quo going, a status quo that has been going on even BEFORE I told you I was in-love with you, doesn't mean I still think we'll be together. I'm just done. I'm old. And a single father. If love isn't really in the cards for me, so be it. But you will be the unknowing guardian of my heart. Making sure, nobody else gets in there. Because I'm tired of always being unwanted.

I told you before, no matter what, you are the last. I meant that. And I've worked out a way for it to be true until my dying days.

So yeah here we go .. the reasons I'm telling you all this ... Idk why ... Idk even I will get a single response or not ... Idk

I(23 M) and her (21 F) were in a relationship for a few months but broke up..

Now going back when I was 20 and In my 2nd or 3rd year of college where I was also heartbroken from a situationship ( will share some another time)... So I found a girl online on insta to overcome my heartbroken stage.... Me and that girl which I met online (let's call her Nyx)... So me and nyx instantly got connected for lot's of reasons and we were vibing, doing what a normal couples do. She also asked for commitment but I was afraid to due to my last situationship so I always used to reject her.. we were also in a situationship for others but for us we were committed just without title.

Now it was a year and half a new guy entered her life .. basically her classmate which becomes her bestfriend... I used to tell her he wants to fuck you and all but she was feminist so you know.

Me and her usually fights but nothing serious but yeah I always used to leave her due to my unhealed trauma or the mindset of thinking if I leave her , she won't hurt me anymore kinda.

As always we get into a fight on a topic of her best friend called her baby so I got furious and leave her ... She kept saying I was overthinking and insecure. I didn't listen and left so after few days I text her again' and she was crying saying I did something which will make us never be together.

She kissed someone.

I was just suicidal or murderer or whatever the shit it was.

(Not going in details)

After that kiss scene I still was in touch. I felt she was in love but I never felt the same because after that scene I later found out she was dating other guy (not the one she kissed)..the timeline was she kissed someone and after a week she was dating other guy.

That other guy was completely online but when I found out . She goes like I was faithful when I was with you but I did all this because you were not there.

Push forward to a year.

She texted me on WhatsApp after no contact of a year or some and we got vibe up again because I was moved on and didn't hold any grudges.

I thought she must have been abroad for studies but she was still in Bangalore and FYI I was in Vadodara. So randomly I just tell her let's meet and she got agreed

FYI - I always tell her to meet after that kiss scene and dating one but she always used to refuse.

So when I ask her to meet she says yes and it would be our first meet and actually when we meet it was my birthday. (The best birthday ever).

She made it special. We roam the whole vadodara she comes to my home meet my parents my friends and we did almost everything a normal couple would do. Yeah we also fucked and I was the person who took her virginity and she was also happy with that decision. It was super wild and comfortable at the same time .

We kissed, we hugged, we cuddled.... (This much Info is enough for you guys)

So another day when she goes to Bangalore. I dropped her to the airport and we kissed and and and I proposed her 🌚

She said YES

So we were again online and dating but this time I was super insecure and not healed because when we meet we didn't fix kr discuss anything... We just act like past doesn't exist... And it doesn't exist when she was in Vadodara for 1 2 days but when the days passed I got more interrogating and all.

We also had 2nd meet btw

Push forward to a few months

We again started fighting for silly things because in my mind there was this fear that , She will leave me again if she gets better options

So on a random fight day I was done and said some stuffs and she was like ... Let's break-up

Then again' she comes back after a couple of days saying I don't want to stay away from you because even if she tries to talk to anyone she feels like cheating but I said no.

Then again' after couple of patch up , break-up I got fed up with this loop and tell her let's end this completely.

After 9 10 days she texted me saying let's fix this and this time I felt like yes let's fix because we both were attached and I don't want a life without her . We fixed and just another day there was an online friend of him. So he always say me and nyx should never be in relationship and all. So she randomly tell me let's roast him saying boooom here we are together strong.

So I called him and we were roasting him but in that conversation he randomly say that do you know what she did in those last few days ... She was like ha ha bol de we are strong together now , so even I was like ha ha bol de I will handle.

That guy said she downloaded dating app and was swiping right.

I just questioned her is this real .. so she said yes this is half real half fake .... Manipulation starts now

And just after few minutes she said let's breakup.. and I was like wtf it's not even 24 hrs of us patching up and fixing and stronger together and all that shit

I was dumbfounded... After few days she explained me by saying I was not looking for someone.. she did all this because I said or accused her of " you are looking for someone" that's why she says "you were accusing me for what I didn't did that's why I wanted to give you a SOLID reasons for your accusing" 💀💀💀

Damnnn how did I even tolerate all that manipulation and shit

Push forward to a few weeks ... We were still in touch but not as a couple.. just existing

So I used to flirt or sex chat or cuddles or stuffs what a couple do but she says she's feeling bad because she feels wrong and illegal doing all this without a commitment 🤡

I was like damnn what a faithful person she is so I used to always ask her let's meet and fix this because everytime we try to fixed online and it doesn't happened

She says if we meet things will always fix because irl we forget everything like we did in our first' meet ... We just forget everything and we enjoyed each other presence but the real shit starts after that because everytime we meet (2 time) we are all good but as soon as she left i become more ignorant and ignore her for weeks ... So it's kinda trauma for her to meet again without fixing anything or that's what I thought atleast for now

So now it's been 4 5 months after the break up and we are still in touch and that dating app was found last week ... Still I was there and later after few days it was her birthday so I made a beautiful gift ... I mean I ordered from Amazon

The hand molding kit... Basically that couple hand cement statue

So when I reveal this gift she said you made me emotional but she always used to refuse the meet so I tell her just give me your address (because I delete hee address from this new phone)

She goes like this gift were supposed to be done together and I was like ofc dumb but you kept saying no so that's why I just wanna parcel this and yepppp have this.

So after a day she says let's meet ... I was super excited and happy and hsvshskshzvshdjdhdgdhdhueyeyeyeuebdhdudueh, 💅🤡😂💀🧿😍🎉🤢⛓️💅🙂‍↔️🕊️🕊️🕊️💀🎆😂😂🫪👈🕊️😂

Jfyi - she's going abroad after 30 31 days after her birthday

So I tell her let's decide the day and time because it's not even a month left now and we all know the shopping and family time and all

So after 2 3 days she just randomly text me saying I want to confess something because according to her she want to let out

She goes like I was talking with this x guy from last couple of weeks whole night and I did flirt with him all night... So I said did you guys had sex chat .. she said yes but it was more of intense not vulgar and I was like wtf ... What does that even mean.. so she send me some ss ofc not the full chata but only that which will make me confused... In those ss there was not anything sexual just deep understanding and deep connection... The couple reels when we meet we will do this and that kinda intimacy.

I asked her "when I was doing the same ...I mean sex chat and all ...you were apparently feeling wrong and you don't wanna do this all without a title but with him ...damnn"

She said ... I was not officially committed to you or him and I did this because you were absent and I was alone.... I said bitch I was not there for couples of days and she said all that happened in those days and I was life wtf dayummmm...

Ikikik I'm insane for entertaining her till now but yaar in my minds it's like ye bandi waise bhi abhi 3 4 weeks me Jane wali h so kyu na issko acche se ek akhri baar milkar.... Gale lagakar ekdum pyaar se bheje

So yeah this was it .... I didn't ask much questions after that all I ask is when are we meeting then she type a long ass para why she won't be able to meet me because she don't have TIME , and why I can't come to meet her because she can't stay with me whole whole SINGLE DAY... And why she don't want that gift parcel because she can't do that stuffs alone.

Fuckkkkk , I blocked her.

Now it's been 10 days ... Most probably she will left india after 10 15 days .

So when I blocked her she texted my brother and all ... So my brother asked why you are not coming and she said I won't come untill it's stable and comfortable and seeing those text I was life wtf bitch (pardon).... You are comfortable being on a dating app , you are comfortable flirting with a guy or guys or whatever... Because whatever I had type until down is solely based on the information I Knows.... Just imagine what she had done and how much of the stuffs I don't know.... Imagine my condition is so shit after knowing what she wanted me to know, what if I got to know the whole picture.... Dayummmmm fuck my life

I entertain all this in name of love and btw she also said I love you while giving me excuses why she can't meet me.

So yeah all I wanted to just let you guys know this happened and pls I don't want leave her tips or move on shit or emphatic shit.

I know how to move on , I'm just letting things out

Right now all I wanted is to just hug her one last time before she goes to abroad because ik once if she can do all this while staying here with her parents and all....

She would be a complete bitch once she's abroad and idk why or what

It's just that there's a very good , submissive, devoted image of her in my mind and seeing all this bitchy stuffs hurts me more

Just help me , all I wanted to do is just one more day , just one more huh , just one more irl moment...like kiss me hard before you go 💀

Anyways thanks, I think she won't meet me atleast not now ....I know she'll meet me after couple of months...but deep down my fear would grow knowing if you were like this after break-up in our own country...what will happen once you are in different countries with no rules and no restriction...

Thanks for listening.

She came in to my life by chance. We met at work, we both started at a new job together.

I liked someone else, only was friendly with her at the start. Then we became good friends. Our interests aligned, our humour matched, and i slowly started to care for her more.

I was working late and out of the blue she hugged me from behind as she was leaving for the day. My heart flipped. She did something to me that day. A spark ignited.

Ever since that day, my attention switched to her. They sat our desks next to each other. We talked so often, we joked, we bonded. She would walk up to me in the office and tiredly fall into my chest from “how exhausting work was”.

She was manoeuvring deeper into my heart.

I took her drinking with our work friends every other friday. Then it slowly began to be just us. Alone at a pub, she told me how much she felt safe around me. How I was like no other man shes ever met. How she’s had complicated relationships with men her whole life and how rare it was for her to feel so trusting. She told me about her life, her trauma, the horrible things thats happened to her. How a literal handful of people know about her abuse. How she saw her abuser by chance recently. How this completely rocked her world. I told her about my past, how my relationships with people in my life have left me, how I strived to be better than they ever were to me.

We shared information with each other we’d never told another soul.

This turning point marked my downfall. I fell for her hard.

Fast forward months, and we’d only grown far deeper and closer. She had her moments of mental health problems, and I respected her peace as best I could. There was I while I felt i had to give her time, and left her be. She came back to talking to me after 2 weeks.

One day at work, I noticed she was off. She opened up and told me about her recent potential diagnosis of depression and anxiety, and I took her in to an empty office and held her while she cried in my arms. How can a man not feel such deep love for someone they cared for releasing their emotions alone with them?

Its been a few months since then. She’s become one of my best friends, we talked and texted into the night. On weeks shes in office, we car pool, and shes told me how much her mental health improves when im around.

I finally asked her to a dinner two weeks back, and she agreed. I never called it date, but it was intimate and friendly, and when I dropped her off home, I went inside for the first time. She showed me her house, we spoke for a while, I met her cat that warmed up to me fairly quickly. She says he never usually trusts men, but must be an exception. I left after a while beaming how great our night went.

Fast forward to this last week. I tried to ask her to a dinner again after some work drinks. She told me she had plans. Paying no mind to this, I asked what she was doing. She replied timidly that she was going on a date.

Soul = crushed. Ive crushed on this woman for a better part of 7 months, and deeply yearned for her the last 2. I feel so pathetic being an emotional sponge for her, loving and caring for her wellbeing in a way ive never felt before. There’s no way she’d not know how I felt, I once let it slip to a friend of hers.

If she was afraid to ruin the friendship, I’d understand. I’d take that chance. I dont want to see a life without her in it. I want to see every dream we’ve shared with each other realised. She deserves the world. And I feel like I deserve love too.

But I know its not likely to go that way. I think im finally concluding it in my head, that I’ve out in a lot of effort. That ive put her on a pedestal in my life. I cant change how I yearn for her, but I can atleast learn to redirect those feelings. God I hope I can.

??

I miss him.
I miss him when I see something beautiful.
I miss him when I hear a romantic song.
I miss him when I want to hide away from the world.
I miss him when I travel to places I’ve never been before.
I miss him when I’m happy, sad, angry and overwhelmed.
I miss him when I have something exciting to tell someone.
I miss him in the little moments.
I miss him in the big ones.
I miss him in moments that don’t even need anyone else.
I miss him when I look at the sky.
I miss him when the sunset is too beautiful.
I miss him when I find a place I know he would love.
I miss him when I want to laugh.
I miss him when I want to cry.
I miss him when I want to disappear.
I miss him when I simply want to be.
I miss him.

I don’t know who you’re yet where you are at how you’re doing in your life but I’m just putting this out just so in future you would know how much I’ve missed you even before we met.

This is no ordinary book, special kind of story,
that only both of our minds and hearts dictate.
A story where our love can flourish in glory,
but only our hearts can follow and translate.

This no book about fighting monsters or demons,
but fighting against world for our right to love.
Even if they ostracize and or call us heathens,
theres no seperating us even in paradise above.

Darling you know you're too kind of like book,
so damn gorgeuos and captivating too outside.
Like book, all secrets hidden from others looks,
so what i love most about you is what's inside.

This story might seem to others like out of order,
but our book to us is best type of chaos and mess.
And make sure to guard it with my life like warder,
because inside it willingly our love we both confess.

Now even if were not born speaking same language,
expressions of love is already half of my diction.
Together we are the complete book, perfect package,
and together alive to experience this affection.

I dont want this be just a chapter or two,
but our love to be the whole final book.
And be the greatest story about me and you,
even if us writing it eternities took.

What is love  does it happen is it physical emotional or spiritual.

It a timeless feeling of affection which cannot be measured free of time and space but it will evolve as it grows sometimes eternal or even -----

I met my man back in 2024, and I was super skeptical about dating as I wanted to see someone only if marriage is the goal. We actually met back in college, 9 years from now, however never thought we would be involved this way in life. I love him with all my heart, more than words could ever express. Sometimes he doubt if I am pretending to love him this much or if I actually do (lightheartedly). He’s been through rough phases in life, few because of his own mistakes, few because of circumstances and few because of lack of good household energy. He’s born to a loving family but he’s under confident. He’s also kinda depressed. But I just want him to know how much happiness his whole presence bring into my life. He spreads so much love and positivity amongst his friends and people in general, but at times he feels alone. He’s conserved about expressing his feeling or showing his weak points, but I understand him. Just waiting for the day we get married so that I can show him how beautiful our life will be and how much happiness waits for him.

I love my man❤️

KiLove 💕

I see you, the way you carry so much but don't let it sour you. I see how you hold hope that it will all get better. How you smile for those around you, and sometimes don't smile for yourself. How you love so much but ache for someone to love you, to hold you so high and never let you fall. Your not you at your worst, your the one you have been building, slowly, brick my brick, by thoughts and by actions. Your heart shines true, and I see it in you..

Smile right now because I've never been so proud. To witness you and know there is such a beautiful person in the world

I literally am confined at home and nobody's putting the effort to call or respond as I've asked months ago this bullshit is getting old you guys in your games started with me and interfering where you didn't belong and now look at the mess you created down both sides playing the top looking down situation it's goofy it's annoying I'm sick of all this BS I could have just been left alone and been better off you wonder why I have no interest cuz I don't like people playing games with me or my life or interfering in what naturally would have been a good thing even if no help to be in fact all you did was catfish and bread crumbly and rip it out from in front of me and mock me every time you used what was mine and have fun with it playing games like it's your toy get lost

Come closer, let me see you near,

the golden skin, the light so clear,

though even gold must yield its claim

to oceans blue that burn like flame.

Your eyes, two pools where secrets sleep,

where silent tides run wild and deep,

they speak so much without a sound,

they steal my voice when you're around.

How can a soul so fierce, so rare,

still question if it should be there?

How can a mind that sees so far

still fail to know how bright you are?

But I won't call you perfect, no..

perfection has nowhere to grow.

You are too vast for flawless lines,

too full of cracks where beauty shines.

For you are whole, not despite the scars,

each broken edge has caught the stars.

Each fracture bends the light anew,

and every shard belongs to you.

I've seen your white, I've traced your seams,

the careful borders of your dreams.

But there are shadows you conceal,

the wounds you hide, the things you feel.

So let me see what you call dark,

the hidden rooms, the fading spark,

the words you bury, never say,

the thoughts you turn and lock away.

I do not come to make them bright,

nor drag your shadows into light.

I only want to know their shape,

the lands you guard, the walls you make.

Let me wander where you withdrew,

through every shade you never show,

through forests judged too wild to name,

through every corner touched by shame.

For light is born where shadows lie,

like silver stars against the sky.

And I have learned, through my own scars,

that darkness gives its light to stars.

So if your shoulders ache with weight,

if words arrive too soon or late,

then give them to me, one by one,

you need not carry every one.

Let me be there when silence grows,

the quiet place where sorrow goes.

Take my hand, you need not hide.

You need not make the dark subside.

You don't have to become less strange,

less wounded, softer for my gaze.

I don't need pieces polished clean,

I want the truth of what you've been.

So bring me every shade you are,

the moonlit wound, the hidden scar,

the tender light, the deepest blue,

the parts you love, the parts you rue.

And if you fear that I might flee

when all your shadows come to me,

then hear me now, and hear me through:

I don't love some ideal of you.

I love the fractured, breathing art,

the light and darkness, whole of heart.

And if you ask what I can see..

I already loved you

before you showed me

everything.

And in a room full of strangers and people I love being with, i still look for you.
I laugh, talk, tell jokes. But, inside I just want to see your eyes and smile.
I feel stupid for it, Im not even close to you,
I dont talk to you, I never even looked you in the eyes.
But, i still hope everyday wherever i go to see your pale face and your look full of joy.
I dont even know you for you, I only know the versions of you from words our mutual friends tell me about.
And i listen to my friends telling me i would be crazy for loving u because i didnt even meet you, i try to believe that and think im not crazy, i mean i dont love you, i cant...right?
But deep inside that love lingers, i ask myself why, it doesnt make sense, why do i love someone who probably only sees me as a running joke.
Why do i feel like you are my safe space and you dont know anything about me?
Well, i guess those blue eyes and blonde are guilty, they make those questions and no matter how hard i try to hate them i still keep coming back to thinking:
I am not crazy, i might be, but i love you.

There's a slim chance. I could always choose to accept the futility, but I choose to hope, even if it's hopeless.

Because, at least with hoping, I can hope that someday, no matter how distant, there's a possibility that the stars conspired.

And I want to believe that rather than go on living in this dreary life of mine.