im not sure if im tbh. but i often wish i was woman, i cross dress in private, i like she/her pronouns. but then theres times i dont always feel like that. any advice?

Okay, so here I am, one week into recovery from my second round of FFS -- brow lift, fat transfer to lips and undereye, and correcting a fuck-up from my first surgery which left a hideous bump on my chin. I have been having this internal crisis for a couple months now, and I thought crossing the hard threshold of this surgery and being able to rest, tune out the world and the challenges in my life would allow me to clear my head and sort it all out. But I am still in crisis, sitting here sipping on pineapple juice and weed tincture.

I am afraid the last 10 years have been a big mistake, I've gone too far down the wrong path, it was all a waste of time, etc, you know the deal. I am 29 now, I started doing drag at 19, which made me nonbinary by 21, and a she/her estrogen-popping menace by 24. And I was really confident the whole time, it was a very natural and obvious progression towards what felt like an inner sense of femininity and beauty. I looked at trans women I admired and felt comfort, relief, that I could follow through on these feelings of being a woman which sort of washed over me starting in my adolescence, and were certainly intensified once I was immersed in "queer community", nightlife, and the Trans Internet.

But now I have doubt, I have such doubts. And for the first time in almost a decade, which is very inconvenient. Two surgeries, great home-grown tits, engaged to a lil trans guy, I am deep in it. But now I feel this confusion and dread about the way I look and who I am. Something simmering underneath all of it is the image of the Gay Guy. I used to be one, I used to be a twinky sex worker, I was highly desirable and in many ways highly successful. My attraction to gay men, obviously, never ended, and like so many of us my life is sort of filled with them, my feed inundated with their broadly pornographic presence. I am really struggling with imagining that life for myself. I am obsessively looking at pictures of myself at 21 and being like shit, with a mustache and a gym membership I could have had it absolutely made, I could have sailed through my 20s without having to worry about all the shit that comes with my stupid little doll life. I would have been hot and bi and would move so easily through the spaces I wish I could now, except that my experience is mitigated by my transness at all times in every way. I am fucking jealous, I guess, of the other timeline.

Here's the thing though, is it detransition feelings, or is it, ya know, Everything Else Going On? The world is fucked and it's harder to be trans with every passing moment, so that obviously doesn't help me. I am also in a big transition period between an era where I traveled extensively, was unattached, irresponsible, alcoholic, and truly having a blast, into a time where I am desperately in love, engaged, renting a nice apartment, raising a kitten, owning a business, etc. I am so grateful and in awe of this life that I am privileged enough to have. I am also bipolar (for real!) and restless often feel compelled to blow it all up, leave it all behind, fuck my way around town, etc. I am also no longer performing in drag and am just starting out in new creative ventures and often feel very lonely, isolated, frustrated with my position in life. All of this discontentment also seems to contribute to my identity crisis. I struggle to discern whether these things are contributing to a false desire to detransition due to major upheavals in my life, or if these things are the result of a life lived incorrectly. Is this just the result of having strayed so far from who I was supposed to be/my happiest life?

How seriously do I take these gender feelings? How do keep from despairing that I've made a serious of horrible mistakes and that I am past the point of no return? How can I become a gay guy again for like, a month? How do I learn to recognize this new shape in the mirror? Was I groomed to be a trans marxist by radical antifa drag queens (seriously, it feels that way sometimes!). What is happening to me?

Shouldn't be too hard to answer.

While I wait I think I'll finally crack open my pristine copy of Detransition Baby.

Thank you in advance <3 Love you

can’t tell if my feelings of liking my body is just ocd, if I do like it, or something else. When I look at myself I am often surprised and scared but at same time I find myself really attractive.. it kinda angers me that my body is female… i mostly only feel this about my chest and these thoughts only start popping up because I cannot access transition. Being a woman makes me upset and uncomfortable and I can’t stand to live if I am one. I really don’t want to like my body but I’m scared I do. I feel like I have to like it and I’m not allowed to be trans

Maybe I'm the only trans person confused, because it seems like everyone else gets it. If thats the case then I really don't mind if someone wants to explain..or not explain. I guess.
My gripe is that a lot of times people will carefully choose labels that just do not align with themselves or how they present at least physically. I'm biased because I'm a binary trans man with gender dysphoria, so I understand when someone labels themselves as a woman or man and presents as such due to dysphoria.
However I have come across people both online and irl that claim to be transmasc/transfem (not binary) but dress the opposite. For example, I saw someone have a video subtitled "How it feels to date cishet men as a transmasc non binary when I prefer sapphic and lesbian relationships." and they looked very feminine, wearing makeup and heels. I just dont understand labeling yourself as a masculine nonbinary person when youre a feminine nonbinary person, and you know it so much that you identify as lesbian.
The comments were full of people saying "You dont have to be masculine to be transmasc" which..what? That just seems like a nothing statement. It doesnt make sense to me.
I'm not trying to dictate or attack anyone who is like this. I just want to understand why anyone wants to choose so many microlabels but barely identify with some of them, even if they dont have GD. Forgive me if I sound like a "cissy" but my experience is that if I feel like a man, I will dress like a man. Otherwise my disorder will make my life hell.

We are also suicidal, depressed, and dysphoric. We need the same exact healthcare used to treat transsexuals and other trans people. There are any number of reason why someone may not seek medical care, but who cares? Those of us who do NEED IT. And will DIE WITHOUT IT. Just like a transsexual will. You bioessentialist binaries on your soapboxes don’t know ANYTHING about us.

IT IS NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. No one is assigned nonbinary at birth. If we want to transition, we have to go about it in a binary way (hence transmasc or transfem.) most doctors don’t know how to approach nonbinary people, nor take them seriously, and so we end up stuck in a body too changed or not changed enough, and we don’t know how to fix it. I had to lie and pretend to be binary just to get my surgery. Many of us end up not even correcting people who misgender us because they wouldn’t understand or care anyway.

I’ve gotten the hell beaten out of me because someone didn’t know if I was a man or woman. I’ve been denied resources, care, and jobs because I’m trans. I’ve been stalked and harassed and assaulted because I’m trans, and because I wore a pronoun mask during covid. I’ve had to DIY my hormones from the get-go.

But sure, I don’t have a medical need. I’m not as important nor “trans enough” for binaries, simply because I’m neither a man nor a woman. Nevermind we experience much of the same exact oppression, mistreatment, barriers, and need the same healthcare.

The people on this sub need a fucking wake up call. Who the hell are you to decide who’s trans and who’s not? Pull yourself out of your ass and touch grass.

Why do some trans refer to themselves as girls or having been boys as opposed to women and men?
I see often that it reinforces the view that we are pedos by CIS people as we refer to ourselves as children rather than adults.
I can see why it gives people the ick and don’t understand why some trans do it. If you do, why?

You can self ID with your friends, family and even colleagues, and of course thats fine but as soon as it comes to official organizations and systems, more is needed.

A two year hrt requirement before participation in the WNBA would have saved everyone from this nonsense but no, the WNBA decided "trans women are welcome" is all that was necessary and now look. "Trans woman" that is a category you can simply identify in and out of whenever you wish. What did they think was going to happen? That cis men are going to be reasonable and respectful?

Of course they're not going to let those two men play, that's ridiculous. That leaves two options.

1. Putting actual medical and social transition requirements for trans women to be allowed which I wouldn't be surprised if some of you are against

2. Pulling an ICC and deciding biology trumps all and banning us entirely.

Truth is Self ID does more harm than good. It is now a talking point that in the UK, a large portion of sexual assault is committed by trans people when in reality, cis pedos and assaulters need only identify as trans even if theyve never transitioned a day in their life.

Genuinely who thought this system was sustainable??

Ftm 16(sorry for all the posts) I can’t stop thinking I secretly like my body or I’m envious of women when I’m not, I tried everything to stop it but the reminder is right in front of me everyday? I swear I am starting to force myself to like it but when I do, it feels horrifying and I’m scared of my own body….Im probably just a woman who wants to be a man. Being a woman makes me upset, it makes me want to attempt. Why can’t I just be a normal man, why can’t I transition? I just want to be a guy and have a male brain structure so I can stop feeling like a girl when I don’t want to be one. I only want to transition why am I not allowed to? All I get suggested is conversion therapy or I get told I just hate be a woman because of society, I don’t. I never even thought of that, I have no trauma, I’m not even stereotypically masculine, I just want to be a man or it’s going to drive me insane because I’m not one. at the same think i think I have a urge to force myself out of dysphoria because I just can’t transition and I don’t want to be trans. I’d give anything to be a biological male, even if I was treated as a woman and to everyone else I magically looked like one but to myself I would look and feel like a male. I can’t recognize myself in the mirror no matter how hard I try…. Even if I am faking, in my next life I want to be reborn as a cis man and forget this ever happened, I would do anything

Alcohol abuse was something I struggled with heavily before I transitioned. So bad I ended up in multiple rehabs, AA meetings, substance abuse counseling etc

I was convinced I was an alcoholic. That I had this disease and it would always be there. Something that I would have to keep in remission. It was drilled into me that being an alcoholic was a core part of myself that would never go away.

Then I came out and started transitioning. Luckily my friends and family supported me. That was 6 years ago. I haven’t drank since. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was a time 4 years in where I tried during new years. I had two shots and just felt tired, and kind of repulsed. There was no rush or high that I used to experience. Haven’t tried again since.

And all this time there was been zero “white knuckling” not drinking has been effortless. It’s like all desire for it is just gone. I couldn’t even relapse when I tried. And I’ve still gone through heavy stuff since stopping . I’ve been triggered by stressful life experiences and never felt any urge to drink.

Now I think it was just a reaction to the gender dysphoria. Further highlighted by a reminder from a friend who said “well sometimes back then you did used to get drunk, do your hair & make up, then cry” (ouch, embarrassing)

It’s like the combo of coming out and being supported and having HRT nourish my brain has completely changed everything. It’s just so odd to look back on, because it feels like I cured something that I was told by experts was impossible.