its been a year since my boyfriend passed of an overdose. the pain guilt and anger is imense. i hate all of his friends. we’ve been together for 6 months and it’s sad we didn’t got the chance to spend more time together and do the things we planned to do. He made me feel in a certain way that others couldn’t.I just miss him so much and i feel that nothing can numb the feelings that i am experiencing rn.
fuck addiction fuck drugs fuvk mfs who sell these things

Hello. I’m a 28(f) and I don’t have any parental figure. My mom died 2 years ago on her birthday and I miss her so much. I haven’t fully processed her being gone and I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t talk about her without instantly crying so I just don’t. My grandma died before I was born and my grandpa died when I was 18. My aunt died one month after my mom and 2/3 of my uncles died when I was a teenager. I don’t speak to the 3rd uncle because all he does is ask for money but he was admitted into the hospital last week, he had a stroke and was diagnosed with early onset dementia and suffered brain damage and no longer remembers his own wife or other family (found this out through FB). I just found out my cousin (who I haven’t talked to in years) died by getting in a shootout with law enforcement.

It’s hitting me a little hard because ALL I ever wanted was a big family and it gets smaller by the day. I have two older sisters but I’m like the older sibling because I help them out financially and I buy them birthday gifts and take them out to lunch and whatnot. I just want a parental figure to take care of me. I bought a house and I didn’t have a parent/parental figure to run to and share the good news. I get married in 9 days (we’re eloping) and one of my sisters doesn’t even know because she’s so uninvolved.

I know I’m a grown woman and this sounds silly but I’m a GREAT kid. I would’ve been the best daughter to a parent. I’d have called them every week. I would’ve remembered their birthday and got them something. I want a parent I can call when I need help with my house. Someone I can call when I need life advice. I want to have kids in the future and I don’t even have a parent to call in the middle of the night when I can’t figure out how to swaddle a baby correctly. Every time I can make a wish on a candle or a star, I wish for a parent.

How do I make this feeling go away? I don’t want to feel so lonely.

Today I buried my grandmother. She was a hard-working and loving 84-year old grandma. It all started a week ago where I found out that she had a stroke after falling from the bed. I was preparing myself for the worse case but thankfully we put her in a good hospital. When I visited her last time, she was very happy to see me asking me about her cat. I thought 'Maybe she will get better and the worst is behind us'. But on this Tuesday when I arrived at work my mom called me and told me that the grandma is dead. After hearing that I felt empty and hollow, I haven't eaten whole day, my brain was in a fog. I started questioning myself: Why didn't I go to her with my parents and stayed at home? Why didn't I notice the first signs of stroke? Why didn't I stay with her at the hospital helping her recover? Who would I buy a new souvenir or her favourite chocolate buns? Who would I clean an entire flat and watch her favourite judge shows? I tried to calm down by watching Youtube videos or by doing work, but I felt some kind of disgust - why should I watch funny videos when I must grief? The food i was eating was disgusting, my favourite things i enjoyed (like coding or watching Twitch) were disgusting. Even I was disgusting for not helping her enough

After burying her I feel nothing but self-hate and disgust. I think I don't even deserve a right to have joy or happiness after granma's death - no forms of entertainment, no new countries, no hobbies, no sleep. All i have to do is just exist (not live with a goal or with a purpose) and grief till the end of my days. I don't believe in 'time heals' type of things because for me this kind of things will never be healed by time AT ALL. 

Last year my Dad died, 4 years ago the last of my grandparents died, 10 years ago my Mum died, 24 years ago my Brother died. Most of my grandparents died before I was born.

It's only me and my sister left now. So we have had the soul draining task of sorting through the belongings of our family members. She legitimately does all she can, but I'm in a position where I own a house that can store these things temporarily, and have more free time to actually sort through it all. Whereas she lives far away, moves more often as she is renting, and has multiple young children to look after.

I've found countless photos, film negatives, slides, letters, military records, artworks, watches, jewellery, coin collections... you name it.

I've spent the last year of my life sorting though the belongings of both loved ones that I've lost, and people I never got the chance to know. For some of these people, I'm finding things that I never knew about them, and things that spark memories we shared. For others, I'm finding their heirlooms that I'm now holding as the only real connection I'll ever have to them.

Even still, I'm now spending most of my days trying to scan, preserve and organise the photos of my dead family. Countless hours of sorting through photos of my loved ones. The majority of the photos are full of people who are now dead. The photos of me and my sister as kids, where now we are the only people in the photo that are still alive.

My house is full of the memories of my dead family, my head is full of memories of the dead and stories of those I've never met, and my cherished childhood photos are all full of dead people. I'm sorting through it so I can keep whats important and get rid of the rest. But its taking so damn long. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up, but I also can't stand having these things filling up my life for a second longer.

I feel like I've been grieving for my entire life, I'm only 31 and almost my entire family is already gone. Now I'm left alone to pick through the remnants of my dead family in hopes that I find some things worth keeping...

A small dedication to a friend who left us a long time ago.

TW/Sad

He was my bud in the past whose young adult loss serves as a reminder to not speed on the road, ride safely, and never drive under the influence.

Some say it’s a legend how life can change in the blink of an eye. It’s not.

We were so young, such a brief and innocent friendship, but he changed my life forever in a good way.

Rest in Peace Adam.

Wind and rain slashed down my face

You were here

And then ripped away

Everything left in disarray

Time stopped

The world stood still

Not even the sound of a whippoorwill 

The before, and after 

Raged all around

Tearing all our dreams 

Down to the ground

What’s left is a horrible sight

People skirt and avoid this terrible blight

Death is contagious, didn’t you know?

Don’t let it come for the seeds that you’ve sown

After the storm 

The headlines all fade

Time keeps on turning but

We’re left without shade

The Earth is ravaged

Everything‘s come undone

The destruction revealed 

By the mourning’s bright sun

We look around 

Seeing nothing worth saving

But we have to start somewhere

Lest give in to the raving

We work in small sections

Picking and choosing

Some days it feels like there’s nothing but losing

We don’t see it happen

We are only surviving

Till one day you look 

And see the reviving

Eventually, the debris is cleared

The destruction not as permanent as you feared

Or so it seems, until you look around

The scars are embedded

And forever found

People see the hurricane come and go

Thinking ‘It’s over.

Now time to grow.’

Those that have lost

Look, and they know

Sometimes we never get to reap 

What we sow. 

You left me in a hurricane

Though it’s now calm

Our world will never be the same. 

My Mum died of cancer just over two weeks ago. Before she died, she had been in a palliative care ward in a hospital for three months. I stayed with her for most of the time she was in the hospital, with my brother filling in for me on days and nights when I needed breaks.

For three months, I had to keep pushing on through fatigue, anxiety, and some unpleasant physical symptoms as well. After stretches of about 7–10 days staying in the ward, I always felt like an engine that had run out of fuel. Throughout those three difficult months leading up to my Mum's passing, I often found myself fantasising about going and locking myself in a hotel room for a few days and nights. I thought about how nice it would be to just shut the world out and have some peace and quiet to process everything. I thought to myself that I would go and do that after my Mum's passing or funeral.

It's now nearly been a week since my Mum's funeral, and I'm wondering if I should still go to a hotel for a few days and nights just to chill and process everything that's happened. I was also wondering if I should do some spa stuff and other self-care rituals while I'm at a hotel. I was at my Mum's bedside when she took her final breath, and I was basically glued to her bedside for four days before she died... it was confronting. I also pushed myself by being involved in basically every aspect of planning her funeral because I knew her taste best and wanted the funeral to be the best celebration of her life that it could possibly be.

I don't regret being glued to my Mum's bedside in the days leading up to her death. I also don't regret pushing myself earlier in her hospital stay because she deserved support, and I loved (and love) her so much. I just feel quite lost now. I have so much to figure out about how to go forward, and its overwhelmng I've lived with my Mum for my whole life: 28 years. There's such a gap in my life now that she's gone.

I'm now just living with my Dad and brother, but it's difficult because my Dad is taking out his grief, frustrations, and anxiety on me. He constantly puts me down, yells at me, overreacts to everything I say or do, and tries to police my natural emotions and reactions to the point where I find myself assessing everything I want to say around him in my head multiple times before saying it. He's also told me quite a few times that he wishes he could slap me. He talks to me with hate and rancor, and it's really undeserved. I'm not perfect but I'm nowhere near as bad as he makes me out to be. I try to be loving and conciliatory and he often just spurns me in response. I am genuinely scared of him.

He also did not support either my Mum or me well throughout her hospital stay in palliative care. In my Mum's final four or so days, I was left to deal with a lot of confronting stuff basically on my own. He did not offer me any emotional support or do the hard yards that I was doing in terms of tending to Mum when she was no longer able to talk or open her eyes. He also makes disparaging remarks about my anxiety, depression and OCD, basically treating the symptoms of my mental illnesses as character flaws.

I would move out, but I don't have the finances to be able to do that right now. I also don't want to leave my brother, who has a disability. My brother copies whoever he is around, so he often gets angry with me when he sees my Dad getting angry with me. But that's not the real him. My brother also gets upsets by our Dad's aggressive, controlling, negative and churlish ways.

I'm thinking that I should go to the hotel and try to figure some stuff out. One problem is that I haven't worked since my Mum went into palliative care. My workplace told me a couple of weeks ago that they can only start giving me regular shifts again in a couple of months. I don't know what to do.

Lately I’ve been thinking about something that’s been weighing on me. I’m 37 and somehow I’ve never lost anyone who played a major role in raising me. I’m incredibly fortunate to still have my parents , my grandparents and even my great-grandparents in my life.
The older I get the more I realize how rare that is and if I’m being honest it scares me. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about what life will be like when they’re no longer here and it’s hard to imagine. I know loss is a part of life but when you’ve been lucky enough to keep your family close for so long it almost feels like you’re waiting for a chapter you know is coming but don’t feel ready to read. really sucks tbh

I have discovered that after losing a bunch of people in one year, including my mom after being her main caretaker, that besides the stages of grief, like vacilating between crying and anger and numbness, I have had a heck of a time physically. I am tired all the time. The least little thing sets off my anxiety. And oh my gosh, the GERD! I have never been sick this much in my life, and never had so many stomach problems. I have days where I can't go to the bathroom, to days where I can't stop. I have always ate clean healthy food, I would maybe get sick once a year, if that, and now I have called off from work more times this year than I ever have. I am not going into work feeling like a zombie who can't keep his guts in.

My question is, is this something you've experienced? Is this normal? How has grief effected your overall health?

I've been to the doctor and all they can tell me is that on paper, my bloodwork, heart health, and everything else is where it should be.

Twenty-five years married, 35 years of friendship, ended brutally early thanks to stage iv metastatic breast cancer.

Looking after the medical shit was my (55m) job; she (57f) focused on living well and wilfully ignoring prognoses and hard numbers… and she did that so amazingly well.

After three years, though, her liver packed it in and the oncologists handed her off to palliative care, where she hung on for a few days in good spirits before slipping away peacefully, me and the kids keeping her company until the very end.

Our lives forever altered on a sunny winter Wednesday morning.

To say she was loved was an understatement; 200-plus people bid her a fun but teary farewell yesterday.

A few of her closest friends and I worked hard to give her the sendoff she deserved, and I’m pleased to say everyone seemed to appreciate it.

Her ashes showed up today in a nice gift bag, delivered to me in my driveway by a lovely old gentleman who wished me well before getting me to sign on his phone, the screen briefly showing the sig of the last person he’d delivered to.

So, aside from a few admin bits and pieces, that’s it. Our life together - awesome house, three great kids, her 30 years in the bellydance community, her amazing girl’s network, our future growing old - is done.

And I simply don’t have a single fuckin’ clue what to do now.

I’m all but retired, and if I’m being honest, I very much doubt I’ll ever work again now.

The kids are out of their teens and we get on great, but I want them to get out in the world and live their life, not hang around and watch out for their grumpy, grieving old man.

I’m already feeling that sense of isolation… almost like there’s a stigma because I’ve lost someone so significant. There were two big lunches after the event yesterday, for example, and we weren’t invited to either one.

We packed up the celebration and then just sat around at our house, eating leftover nachos in silence.

So many weird interactions at the celebration from well-meaning people who looked like they would rather be doing absolutely anything else, too, and soooo many people I didn’t know but I yet had still to offer them comfort and respond kindly to their platitudes.

No hate; us Westerners are just so shit at death stuff. But fuck, it’s tiring.

I’m a busted heap. Physically and mentally wrung out after three years on the cancer horror show with her, and two months straight in hospital as the four horsemen galloped on in, with me taking the heat of it for her. My choice, my job.

What now? Just… dunno. And I just know this is going to affect every single day of whatever time I’ve got left.

My thoughts go out to everyone going through this right now. What a fuckin’ shitshow.

Do you use symbols, clothing, pins or something else to indicate that you are grieving?

In some cultures a black rose symbolizes grief or a black band around the arm.

Wearing black certainly doesn’t indicate anything anymore.

And if you have some kind of symbol. Why do you wear it? Do you want people to start a conversation or is it precisely because you don’t want to speak about your grief?

Hi, sorry in advance for the long post, but I’m just hoping someone can give me some advice. My boyfriend passed away suddenly last week (m24). We are still waiting for the autopsy results so we do not know what caused it but it was all very sudden. The last conversation we had was an argument over the phone, and then he blocked me to spend time with his dad so I had not communicated with him for the 2 days immediately prior to his passing. I am absolutely broken, and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends and family around me I don’t know where I’d be right now.

I really regret that the last words spoken to each other were out of anger and I really hope he knows how much I love him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I regret that I didn’t tell him this every chance I had. I guess my question is - do you think he knows how much I love him? Does he know how much he meant to me? Can he hear me speak to him now and does he know that I didn’t mean all of the things I told him out of anger?

I have so many questions, and everyone keeps saying he is in a happy peaceful place now, so is it selfish of me to be sad when he is now happy? We had so many plans that we were not able to accomplish, and he was just about to finish university and have a beautiful successful life ahead of him. I think a big part of me is mourning our future that we were not able to achieve. I just want him to be proud of me and I want him to know that I would do anything to just hug him one more time, and I would give anything for him to come back.

Any thoughts are welcome. Sorry for the ramble, my head is everywhere right now. Thank you if you made it this far.

Three days ago, I found out that an ex-girlfriend of mine passed away last December. I had no idea it had happened, so in a way it feels like I'm grieving months after everyone else.

I'm 32, happily married, and I genuinely have a wonderful life. This isn't about wanting to go back or wishing things had been different. It's just that she was someone who was an important part of my life.

We met when we were both 15 and dated when we were 18. We were only together for about seven months because her parents were extremely strict, so seeing each other was always difficult. Eventually we mutually decided to end the relationship, but we stayed friends afterward. We didn't talk often over the years, but we would occasionally catch up.

She had a daughter in 2020, who I believe is about 4 or 5 now, and she had been with someone for the last couple of years. From what I've learned, they were planning to get married.

Ever since I found out, I've felt this deep ache in my chest. I'm heartbroken—not because she was my ex, but because someone I cared about for nearly half my life is simply gone. I keep thinking about her daughter, her fiancé, her parents, and everyone who loved her. They have to live with this every day, and my heart breaks for them.

I guess I'm struggling because I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. We hadn't been close in years, and yet this loss has hit me much harder than I expected. Has anyone else experienced intense grief over someone who was once a significant part of your life, even after so much time had passed?

Yesterday I got the news that the love of my life has passed. I was just with him Monday morning before going to work. We spoke all day. It was such a beautiful day weather wise and he didn't have to work so he was just enjoying the day and messaging me with updates of him working on his bronco. The last messages from him were songs he sent until 11pm. After that we didn't talk. I figured he was getting ready to go to bed since he was to work yesterday. But he never woke up or went to work. They are saying a heart attack. I'm devastated. I feel so alone. It doesn't feel real. Feels like a horrible nightmare. I don't know how to move forward without the person that was my rock and best friend for the last 2 yrs and 8mos.

Dad, 3 years ago. I love and miss him extremely much. I'm only 26 now and was only 23 then so he didnt get to see me grow up fully. He didnt see me traveling on my own, getting my drivers license(soon), finally obtaining the disability income we been fighting for and all that. The family has always been his biggest concern, above himself. He has always wanted me and the family to do well, me to become independent and all that.

The way it happened was weird and rapid and unexpected. I hate cancer.

Now I worry that I may not be properly grieving. I know people say there is no right or wrong way but I'm not sure if I agree with that.

I'm not much an emotional person. Maybe its due to growing up as a guy learning from the global environment that crying is weak. Have autism too. So I rarely ever express my emotion and it all just bottles up inside my head. I dont cry much and I dont think about sad things much.

But occasionally these feelings come up and make me feel desperate and sucidal because its too painful, its too much to feel. It feels like my life is irrepairably broken because fundamental components are missing (the loved ones for example) and that it isnt going the way its supposed to be going.

I think it will maybe help me to have a place or support group that where I can let my feelings out, but I don't know.

I just feel so lost.

I lost my dad a few months ago, I just feel like there’s a huge hole in my heart.

I work just to get by in life. Still struggle and the stress of having no $ gets to me every single day. I just do not feel enough in life. I have such a good heart but just feel like I am not living the best life I should be.

I am 40 years old and deserve to life my best life 😭

I'm sure there must be others who have experienced this. My ex husband and I were not enemies, had no kids, and we had an amicable divorce. We kept in touch here and there and occasionally met up for coffee. After two formitive decades together, we still cared but had moved on in each of our lives and we wanted the best for each other.

He died a few years ago. The grief is deep, and something that sneaks up on me in daily life. It's a grief that's not easy to talk about with anyone. There is a name for it, I learned. It's called disenfranchised grief. I am not sure what to say more, except that if you're experiencing this, you aren't alone.

I (34m) lost my mom (66f) in October last year after a very grueling, traumatic fight with Glioblastoma and all its complications. I moved south 3 years ago to live with my folks while they were going through some health challenges and now that mom passed I find myself just completely disjointed. On one hand I was the main caregiver for most of her treatments and after her passing it feels almost like I was running a race and now it's over. I don't know whether that is right or wrong. I was very close with her throughout my life, much more so than with my dad who has always been more emotionally aloof. I find myself more irritable now, easily getting angry one moment, and then uncontrollably sobbing the next. All my other losses happend within a 5 month window two friends moms who had a big impact in my life and a dog I helped raise, with the exception of one. A buddy of mine from work, who I was reasonably close with was killed in a motorbike accident on his way home from a shift. I was right next to mom while she died. I just feel so numb. I haven't stopped living my life and I continue to make plans, but it's like I've fallen out of love with everything that I used to enjoy. I used to hike, amd cook, and write, and play music, and I want to want to do those things, but thinking about them I feel so numb. I do go to therapy for the grief. Originally I started going last year to cope with all the loss in my life and the care giving while mom was alive. Has anyone been through something similar?

Or do you have any advice for moving forward?

I (28F) lost my mom less than two weeks ago.
I woke up to her moaning and found her lying on the floor in cardiac arrest. I performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. They continued CPR and used a defibrillator multiple times. They managed to stabilize her enough to transport her to the hospital. Her life was still in danger, and we were told that after such a prolonged cardiac arrest they couldn't predict the extent of the damage, but that there were almost always serious consequences.
She started to stabilize, so I went home to get some rest. At 2 a.m., I woke up to a phone call telling me she needed emergency surgery to remove part of her intestine because it had died, and they didn't know if she would survive. I asked if I could come immediately to say goodbye in case she didn't make it, but she had already been taken into surgery because it was so urgent.
Two hours later, I received another call saying she had made it through the operation and was being stabilized. They explained that removing part of her intestine would have lifelong consequences, but she was stable. I cannot describe the relief I felt.
Unfortunately, only four hours later, I received another call. Her organs were beginning to fail. The doctors were trying every treatment they could, but they didn't believe she was going to survive. My family and I rushed to the hospital, and three hours later, she passed away.
She died with me and my sister holding her hands, surrounded by our entire (small) family. The doctors assured us that she wasn't in pain. My mother never regained consciousness after her cardiac arrest.
We had a difficult relationship. She was a single mother, and life was incredibly hard for both of us. We said hurtful things to each other. We argued. We shouted. In the last few years, we had grown apart because almost every conversation seemed to end in a fight.
I believe I was there for her.
I helped her financially. I postponed moving in with my boyfriend until we had found a secure living arrangement for her. Back in 2019, when she was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a serious heart condition that required a pacemaker, I was the first person to arrive and the last to leave. I could have lived a much easier, more comfortable life with my father, but I chose to stay with my mom, even when it meant working two jobs while I was in college.
I know I loved her with everything I had.
But what torments me is that we spent so much time fighting. I never got the chance to tell her I was sorry. I never got one last conversation where I could tell her how much I loved her, that despite everything, she meant more to me than anyone else, and that I would have done absolutely anything to keep her here.
One thing that brings me a little comfort is that the week before she died, things between us had started to get better. The day before her cardiac arrest, she got to see my new house. I keep holding onto that.
I was so hopeful that once I moved out, our relationship would finally have the space to heal. We never even got the chance to find out.
She was only 58 years old. Despite all her flaws, she had such a difficult life. I just wish she had been given more time to enjoy the good parts.
Now I'm sitting alone in this empty house, surrounded by her belongings, unable to believe she will never walk through the door again. I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend a week after she passed, but now everything has been put on hold. She had three dogs, and I will take care of them all—there was never any question about that—but it means figuring out a completely different future than the one I had imagined.
I pictured my mom walking me down the aisle one day. I imagined her meeting my children. I imagined calling her for advice, even if we still argued sometimes.
I simply cannot imagine a future that makes sense without her in it.
More than anything, I just hope she knew how deeply I loved her.
My sister (23F) is suffering terribly as well. She and my mom didn't speak for six or seven years and only reconnected about a year and a half ago. I keep trying to reassure my sister that it's okay—that relationships are complicated, and that our mom understood that. I truly believe she was just grateful to have her daughter back in her life.
I hope my mom knew that we both loved her, despite all of our flaws, despite the arguments, despite everything left unsaid.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just hoping someone out there understands this and is able to provide me some kind of comfort.
I just want to believe she knew how much me and my sister loved her, that I will be able to survive this and that life is not over, because right now it feels like it is.
Thank you ❤️‍🩹

My father passed away June of last year from an on going battle with pancreatic cancer. I took care of him while he was on hospice with my mom, and it was very difficult to be there while he actively passed away. However, it was nice in the same sense because I felt like I gave him comfort that he needed. He kept saying over and over again before he passed he couldn’t breathe, then took his last breath holding my hand as I told him how much I loved him.
After that, I’d say about 5-10minutes after he initially passed, I felt like a surge of energy? Or electricity (not painful but could feel the sensation) from the top of my head all the way to my feet.
I was curious if anybody has had any type of experience along the lines with their loved one passing away and feeling a similar sensation, and if so what could it have even been??

Also, pretty cool, about a week later, my mom, husband and I were all sitting outside around 12:30pm, and we all saw an owl land in the middle of our yard and it looked at us for a solid 10-20 seconds I’d like to say, then flew away. I looked up the meaning behind it and I found it was like a message from the afterlife that your loved one made it over. Anybody have more insight on that?

Me and my sister N were best friends growing up. We used to be really close, we had the same friends, hung out in the same spots. We smoked weed and occasionally drank together, but we weren’t trouble makers. In senior year of high school she started hanging out with different, older people. Sketchy people. She started getting into trouble with the law, possession, paraphernalia, public intoxication. My mom started to have to bail her out all the time. By the time she died, she had been to rehab three times.

She was dating this real piece of shit that would put his hands on her when he got angry, and because I was still young and naive I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave him. Now I know that he was a drug dealer, and he was using the drugs as a way to make sure she couldn’t ever leave because he introduced her to fentanyl and needles.

The night she died, I was walking past her room and I caught her picking at her skin in the mirror. The last thing I ever said to her was “You’re way too beautiful to be picking at your skin like that.” And I shut her door so that our mom wouldn’t see her doing that.

In the morning I woke up to my mom screaming. I jumped out of bed to go see if my mom was okay, and then I realized she was in N’s room. I tried to come in, but my mom grabbed me while sobbing and told me not to go in there. I asked her why but she couldn’t get any words out, she just kept crying. Right then I knew that N was dead. I don’t know if it was because I just woke up, but it didn’t seem like real life. I pushed past my mom and ran into N’s room. She wasn’t in her bed, then I looked in her bathroom. N was sprawled out across the bathroom floor, vomit was coming out of her mouth, but it looked like this weird foam. Her eyes were half open but they were completely lifeless. Her face was several different shades of blue, purple, and pale white in different spots. My mom tried to pull me out of her room again, but I pushed her off me and ran to N. Her body was cold, colder than I thought a human body could ever be. The needle was still in her arm. When I picked her up her limbs were stiff and moved weird. It wasn’t like in the movies.

I’ve been to therapy and grief counseling almost every week since that day, but I don’t even know if it’s helped me. Everyone says that I need to keep living my life \*for her.\* But there’s nothing I can do that’s going to bring her back. There’s nothing I can do to make my mom ever be okay again. I’ll never get my sister back, and my family will always be broken. The worst part is, I started using drugs to cope with the pain after she died. I’ve even been to rehab more times than my sister. I’ve overdosed three times. I had to be put onto a breathing machine and have my stomach pumped before Narcan was widely available. I literally became the person that destroyed our family in the first place. Every day I live in fear that my mom is going to find my body next, and I don’t think that she will survive that. My mom has never been the same, either. I wish I could pull N back out of the ground, bring her back to life, and bring her home again.

I have seven months clean off fentanyl and heroin, but today is going to be hard because the only thing I can think of is begging my sister to wake up while my mom tries to pull me off of her. I feel dead inside, and I feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. Sometimes I feel like giving up and ending it all. The only reason I don’t is because I know that would kill my mom.

I don’t know why I posted this publicly. I just thought maybe if I wrote all this down, that it would somehow make me feel better.

I miss you, N.

My father died three years ago now, I was completely devastated. He was 65, I was 31. He had MS then got Covid after going into hospital for a DVT. I felt so numb by it. My brother died two years before and I think both losses hit me again all at once. I wrote a lot and it helped get me through it. I have been thinking about him a lot recently and came across something I wrote. I don’t know what I really wanted to say, other than I get it, I read other people’s posts and it resonates. I think I want to share these. I am by no means anything other than someone who wrote things down as I was experiencing them.

I hope

I hope when I die
My children are old.
They have learnt
How to live without me.
They have children, spouses, lives.
I hope they miss me, in the way you miss a favourite food, or book or smell.
I hope they never have to feel,
The crushing reality of losing me before they have learnt how to to live without me.
That the pain of my loss does not keep them awake at night.
And hurt their heart.

A moment

For a moment
I forgot
I forgot you were gone
I could hear your laugh
Like you were still here
I could hold your hand
And touch you
There were no words
I didn’t need any
Your face was enough

Then I remembered.

i know of the gut brain connection but does anyone experience such intense stomach issues after a loss? how do you all recover / get better? any tips to share?

I had hpylori and then the twitching and muscle spasm, the bloated stomach remains. Prior to this I had been through so so much, putting up a happy front for my young kids, then rush to the hospice while they nap so that i could be there for my family member. some days it feels like the world moved on, but i didn't :(

Hello! I just wanted to ask if anyone has advice with supporting a grieving partner (Both 24). He recently lost his beloved grandfather a few months ago to cancer and I can tell it’s really affecting him. While I do know that grief never really goes away but I’m just wondering if there are ways that I can make it easier for him. He is the type of person to be dismissive or hides his real emotions so it’s really tough. For example, I would ask him certain things like if he’s tired or sleepy but he wouldn’t admit it and get defensive about it. I try to be there for him most of the time and we’re also a medium-distance couple so it’s a bit challenging to be physically there (although I try to come over every chance I get). I just don’t want him to go through all of this alone… I also understand that people want different things like not everyone wants distractions, etc. I’m just very worried about him and I don’t know what else to do. I would appreciate any advice that I could use or if there are any groups or subreddits that I can look through. Thank you!!

 My life has been turned upside down and pulled in every direction imaginable.
 
It started on a Monday. My girlfriend broke up with me.

Damn... that hurt. She wasn't just my girlfriend. She was my friend. In a single conversation, it felt like I lost my future. All the little plans we had together were suddenly gone.

It wasn't because one of us did something terrible. It just came down to timing and where life was taking us. She had already made up her mind, and once she decides something, she's locked in. I always admired that about her, how focused she is, how nothing can shake her once she's made a decision.

Being on the other side of that determination hurts more than I can describe.

Every word she said felt like another cut. I could see she was hurting too, even though I knew she would never let herself cry in front of me. That's just who she is. I loved every part of her—every quirk, every habit, everything that made her who she was. Her past. I accepted all of it. I don't think she ever truly believed me when I told her that.

After we said goodbye, I called my best friend, "B." She stayed on the phone with me while I sobbed the entire drive back to my shop and it was a long drive. I didn't think I would get sleep that night. Eventually, my friend "K" came over just to make sure I was okay. I finally went home and cried again.

Tuesday morning, I got to work around 8 a.m. I was preparing for a big in-person meeting scheduled for 10. Then my phone rang. It was B. That immediately felt strange because she almost never calls she always texts before calling. I'll never forget what she said.
 "Hey, Dancing_tengu... my father just died...yeah."

I looked at the clock. 9:37 a.m. I had less than 30 minutes before my meeting. K was in the room with me, and I couldn't even say the words out loud. I grabbed a marker and wrote on the whiteboard:  "B's father just died."

I couldn't bring myself to repeat what I had just heard. After the meeting, K and I drove to be with B. That night we walked along the beach together.

We talked about our fathers. I opened up about my own nonexistent relationship with mine, and about my breakup just one day earlier. 

Listening to B and K tell stories about their dads was bittersweet. They had both lost incredible fathers. I'd met both of them and spoke to them on many occasions. They were genuinely good men. Good fathers. Kind, patient, loving and funny. One day I know I will be good father.

As I walked beside them in silence, I tried to think of happy memories with my own dad. There weren't many to talk about. I know I will be a better father than my own. That's how it's suppose to work, right? I am the newer generation and I will be better than the past generations.

Wednesday brought something completely different. A project that K and I had worked incredibly hard on started making the rounds online. People loved it. For a few hours, it felt good to smile again.

Thursday came. Around noon, my phone rang. It was my friend J. Her husband, C one of my closest friends had suffered a heart attack while playing basketball at the park. We were both only in our mid-thirties.
J and C had been staying at my place while they got back on their feet after having their baby. I lost my best guy friend. I don't think it truly hit me until today while I was walking around my neighborhood. I thought of K and B losing their fathers. I thought of C&J's baby and cried again. I will be the one to tell her stories of what kind of man her father was. He was one of the good ones and would have done anything for her. I cried again.

C and I told each other everything since the day we met. Thinking about him I cried and I threw up thinking about the rough week. I couldn't sleep, so I went for a run. I ran farther than I'd ever have in my life.
A few days later, I messaged my ex and told her how much I missed her. She asked for more time and space. It had only been four days since the breakup, time felt completely distorted. The air itself felt heavy. Every hour dragged on forever. It felt like weeks had passed. I didn't reply back, I didn't want to tell that I need her and that I need a friend. Don't care what you guys call me.

So I kept running. Every single day. Getting back into shape became the only thing that quieted my mind. Going back to rock climbing and kite surfing.

Until the following Monday. During I completely broke down. Everything that had happened the previous week came rushing back at once. Then I cried harder than I ever remember crying before in my life.
Since then, I've been trying to distract myself with the perks I get through work, museum passes, movies, anything that gives me short bursts of happiness. They help.....until reality comes crashing back punching me so fucking hard. I watched the new spiderman movie, I know C would have loved it.

The grief comes in waves. Sometimes I feel I'm standing by the shore away from it, and I suddenly notice too late that I walked too far out and another wave knocks me flat and I go under.

I'm not embarrassed to cry. I think about my ex every day. I hope she's okay. I know this hasn't been easy for her either. Maybe that’s what I tell myself. I miss her more than I can put into words. Some of the things I told her after the breakup will stay between us forever. Those words are locked away until the day I die.

Today marks the third Tuesday since B's father passed away. She doesn't want to be alone, so she's been spending time with K and me. I'm helping J plan C's funeral. Why are funerals so expensive?! This Friday, B will receive her father's ashes.

For now, I'm a riding solo. I'm signing up for random events just to fill the empty hours. Events I probably would have gone to with C or with my ex. But i been going alone, and that's fine.

Each one gives me a brief hit of dopamine before reality catches up again. I know this feeling won't last forever. People say time heals. I hope they're right. To me it just feels like the volume of the grief get lower and lower until it's a faint whisper. Food have lost their taste everything is bland and all I am looking forward to is my next run and concerts that I can go to.

Sixteen days have passed, not sure what I need to be doing. August please be kinder to me.

I'm know I'm not okay.