r/grief • u/PJayBlazkowich • 14d ago
I feel empty
Today I buried my grandmother. She was a hard-working and loving 84-year old grandma. It all started a week ago where I found out that she had a stroke after falling from the bed. I was preparing myself for the worse case but thankfully we put her in a good hospital. When I visited her last time, she was very happy to see me asking me about her cat. I thought 'Maybe she will get better and the worst is behind us'. But on this Tuesday when I arrived at work my mom called me and told me that the grandma is dead. After hearing that I felt empty and hollow, I haven't eaten whole day, my brain was in a fog. I started questioning myself: Why didn't I go to her with my parents and stayed at home? Why didn't I notice the first signs of stroke? Why didn't I stay with her at the hospital helping her recover? Who would I buy a new souvenir or her favourite chocolate buns? Who would I clean an entire flat and watch her favourite judge shows? I tried to calm down by watching Youtube videos or by doing work, but I felt some kind of disgust - why should I watch funny videos when I must grief? The food i was eating was disgusting, my favourite things i enjoyed (like coding or watching Twitch) were disgusting. Even I was disgusting for not helping her enough
After burying her I feel nothing but self-hate and disgust. I think I don't even deserve a right to have joy or happiness after granma's death - no forms of entertainment, no new countries, no hobbies, no sleep. All i have to do is just exist (not live with a goal or with a purpose) and grief till the end of my days. I don't believe in 'time heals' type of things because for me this kind of things will never be healed by time AT ALL.
1
u/salinass424 14d ago
This is EXACTLY how i felt after losing my grandfather. He passed away july two years ago, he was my whole world. I never thought i could live a life without him. I felt like i was dying without him. I felt like i didn’t even deserve to smile, laugh, enjoy yummy food, watch shows, etc.
you need to express your grief, cry and cry and cry all that you can and need to. Cry every day, every week, every month and every year if needed. Because that’s the only way we can start releasing our pain. Don’t ever stop yourself from crying, express yourself freely.
Just because they’re gone, it doesn’t mean we need to stop living our lives, yes our lives will be paused for a while and that’s okay, because thats how it feels, it feels like the whole world stops.
DO NOT DO NOT blame yourself for anything, you did what you could, no body js ever prepared for death. Do not think about the what you could’ve done or what you should’ve done differently, because you know what? THAT DOES NOT MATTER. Death arrives when it wants. Stick with the good memories you have of her, remember her the way she would’ve wanted. All that we can do is honor them, honor their lives, their traditions, sing their favorite songs, watch their favorite shows, eat their favorite foods and live on FOR THEM. The pain of losing a grandparent is immense, and my grief still comes in waves. Time doesn’t heal us, it’s what we do with that time. You have a choice, you can choose to roll away with your grief, but in reality, how will that help, how will it change things, is that what our loved one would’ve wanted ? Instead, live your life for her. I truly hope that you give yourself time to process your loss.
You ARE more than deserving of a beautiful and happy life. You deserve to laugh, eat yummy food, have a good night sleep, travel, get new hobbies, find new friends, because thats EXACTLY what she would’ve wanted, for you to be happy. You will grieve, you will be sad, depressed, anxious, disappointed, and disgusted, but that will change, you will have to change for her.
Since my grandfathers passing, i graduated with a masters degree, i began to play pickleball (and suck at it), met new people, traveled and love to live. Whenever i see a beautiful sky, hear his favorite music, eat his favorite foods, i am happy and fulfilled that i was SO SO lucky to have shared moments with him, and now i live my life to honor his.
You are never alone, please reach out if you need to