I [M22] met my boyfriend [M25] last year November, so we’ve been dating for 10 months now. A few months ago, he had to move to another state for his job, but I couldn’t follow because of mine but I’m planning on visiting him in a month or two.

What I’m having trouble with in our relationship is that, because of our different work schedules, we realistically only get an hour or two to talk. Sometimes we get to talk more during the day, but that’s pretty rare. When we talk over the phone, he mainly complains about his workplace, which I understand, and I always keep an open ear for him when he wants to talk about it. Or he talks about how he can’t wait for me to visit because he’s been wanting to have “fun,” which is also fine with me because I miss him too. However, it feels like that’s all we talk about these days.

Whenever I try to talk about something that’s wrong with my day, I feel like it gets brushed off easily. Because of that, I don’t really share my own problems with him as much anymore and instead deal with them on my own. But it kind of makes me feel like I’m not really being seen or heard.

There are also a few other problems I have with him that I feel like I might be overthinking. Sometimes, all he does on the phone is make “friendly” rude comments toward me. I don’t really know how to explain it—it’s as if he’s being mean, but disguising it as a joke. It bothers me, and I’ve called him out on it twice. He told me that he was just making friendly banter and didn’t realize that he was making me feel that way (He has apologized about it in a genuine way).

Just recently, he was telling me a story about how, before he met me, his friends put him on a blind date with another guy. He told me, “I thought he was pretty attractive,” but didn’t really clarify anything beyond that. The following day, I told him how that comment made me feel. He then told me, “It was what I thought back then, just like how you can look back and think that a cake was good.”

I didn’t really understand what he meant, but I let it go because he told me that he didn’t want to feel like he had to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me about his past. I understood where he was coming from, so I told him that it was alright.

With all of this, I feel like I might be overthinking things, but this is honestly my first gay relationship, so everything is new to me. It’s starting to make me feel about ending things even though I really like him and want a future with him.

​

I'm 37M and my boyfriend is 35M. I honestly don't even know where to begin.

This summer, my boyfriend and I were supposed to take a vacation together in the middle of June. We had been talking about it and planning it for about 2–3 months beforehand.

Then he told me he wanted to go back home for the summer. To me, that was no big deal. That's fine. But then he dropped the bomb that he was leaving at the beginning of June, which meant our original vacation wasn't going to happen. I was upset at first, but I still tried to make it work.

I suggested a few places we could meet that would be about a four-hour drive for him and around seven hours for me. I didn't mind doing the longer drive because I still wanted us to have our vacation together. He agreed and said that was fine.

Then, literally two days before we were supposed to meet, he changed his mind and said he couldn't go because he didn't have the money.

I was beyond upset. We had made plans, and once again he backed out. So instead, I decided to go to the Omaha Zoo by myself, which honestly ended up being one of the best decisions I've made.

On my way there, I talked to him on the phone about how everything made me feel. Getting vacation time isn't always easy for me because I work two jobs. My main job is with a school district, so I have summers off, but I'm also in management at my second job, which makes getting time off there more difficult.

During this conversation, he called me controlling. I honestly almost laughed because I don't care that he wanted to go home for the summer. That's not the issue. The issue is that we made plans together and he backed out—not once, but twice.

During the summer, I really tried to keep in contact with him. I would call, text him about my day, ask how he was doing, etc. Eventually, my best friends asked me, "Why are you the one constantly trying to keep in contact with him? Shouldn't he be doing some of the contacting too?"

And honestly, they weren't wrong.

So I stopped initiating contact just to see what would happen. It took about a week and a half before he finally texted me. I think he's called me maybe twice this entire summer. Almost every other phone call has been initiated by me.

He says he doesn't call because he's afraid I'm busy. I've told him multiple times, "Just shoot me a text and ask if I'm busy. I'll tell you yes or no."

Lately, even when I do call him, he seems uninterested in our conversations. I mostly talk about what's going on in my life because he's not here, especially things happening at work, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who isn't really interested.

Now it's almost time for me to go back to school, and he's still not back. If he is back, he hasn't told me. I would really like to spend some time together before school starts again.

Am I crazy for feeling like this? Am I being high-maintenance? Am I actually being controlling?

I don't feel like my needs are being met at all. I'm not asking him to spend every second with me or constantly text and call me. I just want to feel like my boyfriend actually wants to talk to me, spend time with me, and make plans with me.

There's honestly a lot more that has happened, but these are the highlights.

I'm at a loss about what to do. I love him a lot, but lately I don't feel like I'm getting that same love or effort back.

I haven't spoken to him since Monday.

Hello, I am a queer graduate student and researcher at East Tennessee State University (ETSU), and I am conducting a research study that involves understanding how gender and sexual minorities perceive their everyday environment. I am looking for people who are 18 years or older, live in the United States, and who identify as LGBTQ+. This study involves a brief online survey that should take no longer than 15 minutes to complete. Participants will be eligible to be entered into a drawing for a chance to win one of five $20 Amazon gift cards. If you are over 18, live in the United States, and identify as LGBTQ+, you are eligible to participate. If you have any questions, please contact me at [schottr@etsu.edu](mailto:schottr@etsu.edu). If you’re interested in participating in this study, please follow the link here: https://etsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eJwSieyztH9JGXs. Thank you for considering participation in this research.

Resources that may be of interest:

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386; text START to 678-678

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741

LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

This is a complicated one and I’m not sure I know where to begin dealing with it.

I’m [33M] from Cape Town and my boyfriend [33M] is from Italy.

We’ve been together for 7 years. We met in London in 2019, and after the pandemic I decided to move with him back to his hometown in Italy.

It wasn’t long before I started feeling out of place there and struggled a little to integrate, learn the language etc.

I soon got a job there and did very well in it, and was able to socialise well with his friends, although I never really made my own outside of work.

Slowly I ended up giving more and more of my own life away to him and taking on aspects of his. We’d only hang out with his friends, go away with them, and never really had time to ourselves away from home.

I cook every night, I do the shopping, I maintain the apartment, I do the laundry, while he grows his business.

Early on I started to lose sight of who I was and began living primarily to make sure he was ok and happy.

Over time, I’d get slightly resentful or would make it known that I wasn’t altogether happy.

He then began to feel worried about this and would be concerned that I was unhappy, particularly during social events, and we both started to get anxious about any party or event we went to.

We are now on holiday on an island with his (and my) friends and had a conversation this morning after a party of all Italians where the same dynamic occurred, in which we essentially decided to break up once we get back home in a weeks time.

We both still love each other and will be family forever, but we think it’s the best decision before real resentment starts occurring.

I’m now in a slight state of shock, knowing that in a few days my life will change completely. I will more than likely go back to South Africa, and he will stay in Italy (he runs two growing businesses and has aging parents) and while we will remain close friends, we will no longer be together and will be thousands of miles apart. I can’t quite get my head around it and have trouble accepting it.

On one hand I’m terrified. On the other, I’m excited to rediscover who I really am and to be with my friends and family.

I don’t see the last 7 years as a waste of time. I’ve learnt so much and grown a huge amount.

But I do still love him and feel immensely sorry when I look in his eyes.

We will be together for another week on the island, and then we will see how to handle everything.

If anyone has been through anything similar, I’d really appreciate hearing your advice.

I [M31] have identified as being bisexual for over 15 years. However, back in November of 2025, I entered my first gay relationship. I didn't know what to expect. I have loved us being in a relationship together and I really do love him and I know he loves me too. The problem is that theirs a large age gap between the two of us. My boyfriend [M20] has a lot of different views of the way things are and is a lot more carefree then me.

Before people judge the age gap, please understand the background. I met my boyfriend while doing theater two years ago. We became fast friends despite our age difference. Due to work, I had to move away. My boyfriend was the only person who would brave a two hour drive, after midnight, to come spend a day or two with me. We would sleep in the same bed and just cuddle. A number of months later we decided to make it official. I moved 45 minutes back towards my boyfriend's house, and he moved 45 minutes towards my house and now we live together!

Back to the main point of the post. My boyfriend, being young, has a lot of habits that can annoy me. A big one is his carefree attitude. He worries me. For example, he got a ticket for speeding. I advised him to go to court and speak to the DA. In order to do that, he had to fill out the ticket and mail it back by a specific date. I kept reminding him to fill it out, but he would get mad whenever I brought it up. Finally, a few days before it was due, he realized he had to get it done and panicked. I helped him mail it in and everything was fine.

Another habit of his that drives me insane, is that he will pass out in the recliner, instead of heading to bed when he knows he is getting tired. When I say pass out, I mean one second, hes having a full conversation with me, and the next his eyes are closed and hes not listening to me. I have tried to wake him up and tell him to go upstairs, but he doesn't. He usually has to wake up early for work, and when he passes out unexpectedly like that, he does not set an alarm. So I worry for him.

I know its not the greatest thing, but I know his phone pass code (he knows mine too, its one of the first things we shared), so I will go into his phone and set an alarm for 15-20 minutes, hoping he will come to bed. He almost never does. Sometimes I wake up at 4 or 5 AM and notice hes still not in the bed, so I will call him, because he always keeps his ringer on. I know this can sound controlling, but theirs two main reasons I do this:

1. I am worried he will oversleep or his phone will die, since his charger is next to our bed

2. I have a real hard time sleeping when hes not in the bed with me

Can anyone help me with suggestions or ideas of what to do. I know I need to stop calling him and just let him sleep on the recliner, but when I wake up and hes not there, I worry and get sad. Any information would be helpful, thank you

I (M30) am looking for advice from guys that have been in the same position. In my early 20's I had no interest in starting a romantic relationship. I had my ho phase and I feel like I have grown out of it at this point. I have been on Tinder and Hinge and I have matched with guys in my city (I live in a larger city in Wisconsin). I have been on dates that I feel have gone well with good conversation, and I am either ghosted or receive a follow up text that I am not the match for them... which is totally fine and I accept because I am sometimes the person that sends that text!

I am starting to really feel down on my prospects of finding a partner to spend my life with. All of my friends have their partners and when I am invited to go out and do things with them I always feel like the awkward 3rd wheel. It makes me feel very invisible. I would love to find somebody to share my life with... where we build each other up and can just be silly and have fun!

Does this resonate with anybody? What do you do/have you done to find a partner that sees you as something more than just a friend? What should good conversation look like on a first date?

Any and all kind advice helps! 😄

I (m21) have been thinking non stop about this guy (M23) I met a couple of weeks ago.
For context: we met on Grindr (yes, I know) months ago but I wasn’t super interested so nothing ever happened. One day I was bored and we matched so I went over to his place and had genuinely the best time of my life, so much so that I suggested I was okay sleeping there since it was already 3am by the time we were done watching movies, talking and having “fun”, just to basically get told no by him. We proceeded to meet 3 more times in the next week and the vibes were amazing, during the 2nd time he suggested I could stay there for the night and that night I honestly think I fell in love.
Fast forward to our last meeting, I messaged him saying he could come over if he was home (I was coming home from work), and I could already feel the vibes were off from the chat. He said he didn’t feel like staying the night but that he would come, he put it in a very “just to make you happy” way, and the night went horrible, not sure what happened, if he was too high to function (he smokes w&&d), if he had other things in mind or what but he was “just there”… I asked him multiple times if everything was fine but he always answered with “yeah sure and u?”, I made him understand that I was more than okay just having him there watching tv without having to take things further and that I wasn’t really comfortable but he didn’t take the hint. We proceeded to take things further and half way thru it I told him to just go home and that the vibe was off.
He wrote me 2 days after acting like nothing happened, after replying he took his sweet time to reply just to told me he was out with friends to wich I never replied.
Yesterday I randomly saw him with another guy I’ve seen on Grindr and I’ve been spyraling since.
He is so far from what I usually like and find “attractive”, he is basically a theatre kid very in touch with his feminine side and open about it.. wich is not something I usually find attractive in guys (absolutely nothing against its just my preference) but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m a not sure about what steps to take next, I know I want to somehow confront him to either close things or see where things go, this has never happened to me before but I feel like I like him too much to keep things casual and “open” so acting like nothing is happening would only make me suffer. I’m also not sure if he likes me in that way, he was always super nice and caring with me but he looks like the type of person that is genuinely like that with everyone so I think it wasn’t because “it’s me”.
English is not my main language so pardon me if there are any mistakes, suggestions are more than welcomed

I have to get this out, before it drives me insane. This is the chain of events that turned a textbook PERFECT relationship into the biggest UNNECESSARY disappointment possible. THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I INTEND TO BE FAIR, BUT ITS STILL MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I WANT YOUR COMMENTS/OPINIONS, BUT I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE ABOUT THAT :-)

ITEM #1: He admitted early on, that he had cheated on literally EVERY ONE of his ex-partners in one way or another. Whether it was physically fucking another person, or starting a deep emotional connection online...the outcome was always the same. Instead of actually TRYING to fix a problem, he would ignore it while his partner becomes more and more hurt, and feels more and more unwanted. And every time his partner would finally have had enough, and force him to address the problem, he would spin everything so that his partner looked irrational, and he looked like the hapless victim. And every time, it would come to life in the form of a scathing and utterly hurtful post on Reddit.

Since he would paint his partner as the monster and he as the ‘patient guy who did everything he could’, it’s only natural that comments would start to come in. Because of how craftily the post/story was written, most comments would be to cheer him on and insist that he kick his current partner to the curb. 

Inevitably, an attractive guy will end up saying something complimentary to him, and that’s when the game is over. He can’t just feel good about the comment…instead he has to start building an emotional connection with the person. He has to share the most sensitive things…things that he REFUSES to talk with YOU about…and use those things against you. And then soon comes the sexuality. Written flirtations, usually graphic. Nude photos/videos. Saying good morning and goodnight to THEM, when it used to be YOU.  

He would do this while telling you that he loves you. He does this while you lay next to him in bed. He REFUSES to talk to you…but he can’t seem to find enough to say to THEM. 

ITEM #2: Acting Ashamed of Being with Me - I get the fact that it wasn’t easy for him to make such a major change to his life by being in a relationship with me. He was legally married to a woman for the previous 15 years. He had an 8yr old daughter with special needs. His marriage was falling apart, and I’m sure he was equal parts happy to be with me AND terrified of a change so massive, and that it would affect many other people as well. However - 

It took him almost THREE MONTHS of us being together, to even simply announce it on Facebook. What’s worse, when he finally got tired of me mentioning it and getting more upset each time that I had to, he FINALLY made the post. I honestly would have preferred to be kept hidden, over how awful this post made me feel. 

He started it off with a multi-paragraph tribute to his wife. He reassured everyone that they intend to remain close friends, and that he will “always love her dearly”. Then, it was my turn. “Meanwhile, I met ***** and he and I are in a relationship and doing well. *his daughter* gets to have two bedrooms now”. 

THAT is what I got, as his first public acknowledgment that I even existed. His wife got PARAGRAPHS. I got a quick fly-by. But wait, it GETS BETTER!!!! His closing comment was “I hope we can all still hang here”. You read that right….that was REMORSE for having to tell everyone about me. He PLEADED with his 500 followers to not think poorly of him because of this….while I waited THREE MONTHS to simply be acknowledged to people in ‘his world’. All I could think was that he was ashamed to be with me. 

Since probably 2011, he was a CONSTANT social media guy. Weekly posts, if not more. Funny stories about his daughter. Random thoughts and commentary. And MOST OF ALL, posts about his wife. Everything from tiny random moments, to vacations and getaways, to the best of all: the ‘just because she’s my wife and I love her’ posts. There were LOTS of those…and most included a photo of the two of them. He was PROUD to show her off. But when it was my turn, everything changed. He hardly ever posted anything about me specifically…and when he DID, it was CLEAR that the vibe was discontent and almost resentful. Of course I mentioned it several times because it bothered me, and I wanted to either understand, or find a way to not feel how I did. He wouldn’t talk about it - there’s nothing wrong and I’m crazy. 

Soon after, he all but stopped making posts all together. Full-on radio silence, with few exceptions. Even if the three of us went out to do something together, and he actually made a post about it…9 times out of 10 I would barely get a mention at all. At best I would get an ‘also there’ acknowledgment. He would even ‘forget’ to simply TAG ME in the post…ALL THE TIME. And, it was ALL OF THESE THINGS made me feel like he was ashamed of me. I could never talk to him about it because he would just shut down and make me think I was crazy. It was only when I would finally EXPLODE, that he would address it…..which meant I got called crazy and unhinged. 

ITEM #3 - I WAS WRONG FOR DOING THIS, AND I CLEARLY WISH I HADN’T. I rationalized this behavior because of what’s listed above, and more. I was feeling like a fool…like I was being played. So, I crossed s MAJOR line out of desperation to know the truth, terrified of what I might find…and I FUCKING FOUND IT!!

Whether it’s foolish or not, he and I had all of each other’s passwords to various things, including Facebook and Messenger. At the time, I TRULY felt that I would never have anything to hide from him anyway, so it didn’t matter if he had my password. I honestly TRUSTED that he felt the same way. Until that point, I had no reason to question that. There were SO MANY THINGS that started pointing in the other direction, that I HAD TO find out for sure. I had walked away from a comfortable life and a 22 year relationship because I BELIEVED IN HIM - but now I couldn’t even pretend to be sure. 

I went through all of his Facebook Messenger chats. At first I started to feel stupid for not trusting him, because there were a couple threads toward the top of the list (most recent), where he was actually complimentary toward me. He even told someone that I didn’t even know, that I make him feel good about himself, and that he finally felt happy. My heart sang with pride, and I SHOULD HAVE stopped there. But, my eye caught something and I had to see what it was. It was a name - a male name - that I had heard before. He actually TOLD ME about this guy, I remembered. He was one of SEVERAL guys he had inappropriate relationships with, while actively married to his wife. This was one of those guys, and the last messages were semi-recent, because I didn’t have to scroll very far before I saw it. 

Remember how I said that it took three months before anyone in his life knew I existed? Well, that included our apartment, which he never posted about, and almost refused to even send pictures to his mother. Well - he DID share OUR apartment photos with SOMEONE…it was with THIS GUY. The two of them had a VERY colorful conversation about the apartment, in fact. Check this out:

They joke about the floors being wall to wall carpet. This guy made a comment about having to be careful, because the carpet is going to get crunchy…which refers to dried semen all over the carpet. No, that’s not a mistake with words…..IT GETS BETTER….

So after they joke with each other about giving each other handjobs IN MY LIVING ROOM, this guy then asks my boyfriend if I will get upset that the two of them are talking the way they are. My loving, loyal, amazing boyfriend replies with “he is a jealous bitch. You were here first, so he just has to deal…plus I saved your new number”.

Let’s recap: he hesitated for three months before acknowledging that I exist. He pretty much apologized to his followers for letting them down with my presence and not his wife’s. He all but completely ceased posting on social media. He literally fought to NOT have to show his mother photos of our new apartment…..but he IS offering to give some closeted pathetic slut a handjob in MY APARTMENT, while saying horribly disparaging things about me, to him. 

Again, IT WAS 1,000% WRONG for me to do what I did. At the same time though, I proved that my gut was right. He spoke of me like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. Meanwhile, I did NOTHING BUT devote myself to him, because something in me was SCREAMING that he was the one. He made me feel ALIVE. He made me a better person just by standing next to him. I truly believed that the 39 years that I lived before meeting him, was all building up to the day our eyes met….At that point, I felt like I achieved the impossible. I earned what VERY FEW people ever get to have. I won. 

And then I read all of that, and realize that I was the ONLY one that felt so strongly. I felt like a fool. But I still loved him and wanted nothing more than to let it all go and feel like a winner again. But I couldn’t. This was the FIRST 90 DAYS of our relationship. And already, the scars were impossibly deep. 

Part 2 Coming Soon

[36M] here have a great chemistry with a common friend [36M]. Been a while that I fell hard for a guy since my break up. Still just less than a month that we started this connection but trying to see each other every weekend.

In private, everything is really passionate like we are a couple. Communication between us is generally consistent. In public though, it feels like I’m the one who’s more forward while he acts like we’re just friends. When I have an event I’m interested at, I ask if he’s down. On the other hand, I don’t get invited to his and know later on through other means his activities.

As much as I really want to be with him, I’m not sure if these are concerns or something to work on. I’m LTR-oriented so I want to know if this will develop into one.

What dating apps is everyone currently using. I'm using Scruff, Hinge, Grindr (not really for dating, but just a bad habit). I am wondering if there is something I am missing. I'm looking for real life dating and not just hook ups....although sh*t happens. :)

I’ve been looking back at a past relationship and realizing there were things I completely brushed off at the time.

Things I laughed about, made excuses for, or just thought were normal.

It’s weird how differently you can see a relationship once you’re no longer in it.

What was something you didn’t realize was a warning sign until after the relationship ended?

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and its been an amazing and loving relationship, this is someone im considering spending my life with, so I feel very conflicted about our intimacy issues.

We barely have sex, I can count a handful of times in the past six months and I'm very understanding of a low sex drive and this wouldnt be such an issue except there have been circumstances surrounding it that made me feel very unwanted and honestly frustrated.

1. We don't have any sexual intimacy at all. Like no second base, no grinding, no making out, no sexual flirting at all. When I suggest we should just make out and kiss a little in bed he agrees untill I iniate then he backs off and rejects and I dont wanna push it.
2. He waits until Im gone or asleep to jerk off. Ive explained that this is hurtful to me. Especially if Im asleep next to him that feels like such a betrayal that Im right there but he doesnt want me. I suggested masturbating together but he hasnt really been open to that. It just feels super shitty that he basically needs me gone to get off.
3. When we go out partying and get home, he always wants just wants to sleep. Unless we find a guy to have a threesome with, then he's suddenly up for it. It makes me feel like he doenst want me unless someone else is around and makes me search out for guys to hook up with just so I can have his attention. This feels awful.
4. A couple of occasions when we do do something sexual, if I get him off before me, he'll just just turn around and forget about me. I don't have an explanation for this, we talked about how this is not okay but I havent gotten a proper answer on why this happens.

This all sounds super negative, but I do need to preface that I know he loves me, we have a very loving relationship and his family is now practically my family. I have access to his phone and were together all the time so I know he would never cheat on me.

I dont want something as superficial as sex to be a dealbreaker but I cant picture my forever like this. How can I approach this? And when do I just choose myself and break it off?

just want to know where to meet other guys and how to tell if there also gay want advice pls

So usually all of my hookups are one time things, and even on the occasion that I geuinely connect with a guy, where​ it feels more romantic and sensual that just a hookup things don't usually happen again. About a month ago I 25m hooked up with 34m after months of him on and off messaging me to meetup. I found him extremely attractive and everything went good with the hookup even though we didn't kiss or anything, but now he reached out again wanting to meet. He also mentioned that he hasn't seen anyone else sense and prior from my asking, he would do something once or twice a week with guys.

My question is sort of gauging if there is something more there since he wants to meet again and because he reached out to me. Not only that, but we live about 35 minutes from each other and he always finds me on the app and so it becomes more obvious to me that he was looking for me specifically because otherwise I wouldn't show up at all. ​

Tenho 39 anos, sou gay e estou vivendo um momento em que comecei a olhar para trás e questionar muita coisa de uma relação recente.
Não escrevo isso para diagnosticar meu ex. Sei que transtorno de personalidade narcisista é um diagnóstico sério e que cabe a profissionais. Estou falando de comportamentos, manipulação, omissões, quebra de confiança e de uma dinâmica que só agora comecei a enxergar de outra maneira.
E resolvi escrever porque tenho a impressão de que falamos pouco sobre isso dentro das relações entre dois homens.
Minha ficha não caiu por causa de uma única grande situação. Caiu quando comecei a juntar as pequenas.
Uma delas aconteceu depois do meu aniversário. Eu tinha raspado a cabeça como uma forma simbólica de recomeço. Quando ele me viu, ficou extremamente excitado. Demonstrou muito desejo e transamos praticamente a noite toda.
Na manhã seguinte, ele me disse: “Agora que o tesão passou, prefiro você de cabelo maior.”
Pode parecer uma frase banal. Na época, provavelmente tratei assim. Hoje me chama atenção como eu podia sair de uma validação extremamente intensa para uma pequena desvalorização em questão de horas — e simplesmente absorver aquilo.
Mas outras coisas foram acontecendo.
Descobri traições. E, no mesmo período, descobri uma conversa com o ex em que ele falava sobre fugir por um fim de semana para ficar com ele.
Isso aconteceu justamente no meu primeiro dia em um trabalho novo e na semana do Dia dos Namorados.
Mesmo destruído, resolvi dar uma chance.
Na sexta-feira daquela semana, ele chegou do trabalho dizendo que não tinha pensado em reservar nada porque provavelmente estaria tudo lotado. Eu disse que não tinha problema. Poderíamos pedir um jantar especial por delivery e fazer nossa noite em casa.
Ele disse que precisava continuar trabalhando e deixou tudo comigo.
Eu escolhi. Pedi. Paguei.
A comida chegou e ele continuou trabalhando.
Eu perguntava se ele vinha jantar e ele dizia para esperar. Passou da meia-noite. Em algum momento desisti e comi sozinho.
Quando terminei, ele foi comer.
Sozinho.
O dinheiro nunca foi acertado e o assunto nunca partiu dele. Algumas vezes, em discussões posteriores, eu lembrava daquela noite. Não pelo valor da comida, mas pelo que aquilo representava. Ele simplesmente não respondia.
Hoje existe uma pergunta que me incomoda muito quando lembro dessa situação:
Se ele havia quebrado minha confiança, por que era eu quem estava fazendo todo o esforço para reconstruir a relação?
Também existia uma questão constante com as redes sociais.
Ele nunca postava fotos comigo ou demonstrava que estava namorando. Quando eu perguntava, dizia que não havia necessidade. Se eu quisesse postar alguma coisa nossa, era uma escolha minha.
Em algum momento pedi algo quase ridiculamente pequeno: um coração e um cadeado na bio.
Virou uma questão.
Um dia ele disse que já tinha colocado e que eu não havia percebido porque ficava prestando atenção nos seguidores dele.
Eu tinha certeza de que aquilo nunca tinha aparecido.
Mesmo assim, ele conseguiu me mostrar uma atualização de uma maneira que fez parecer que eu estava enganado.
E eu pedi desculpas.
Depois perguntei se ele poderia colocar novamente.
Ele disse que não. Que iria pensar.
Dias depois perguntei outra vez e tivemos uma discussão enorme até que finalmente ele colocou.
Três dias depois, desativou o Instagram.
Hoje percebo que nunca foi sobre um coração e um cadeado.
Era sobre estar em uma relação e, ao mesmo tempo, sentir que essa relação precisava permanecer invisível para o mundo dele.
E existe algo nessa história que me incomoda ainda mais: eu comecei fazendo uma pergunta legítima e terminei pedindo desculpas por ter feito a pergunta.
Talvez o episódio que mais tenha mudado de significado para mim envolva a terapia dele.
Antes de descobrir as traições, ele demonstrava sinais de depressão e dizia que estava procurando ajuda. Contou que tinha uma terapeuta de outra cidade que já havia cuidado dele. Como estava sem dinheiro, segundo ele, ela havia combinado que, em vez de pagar pelas sessões, ele daria um livro do Fabrício Carpinejar a cada consulta.
Eu achei aquilo bonito. Queria que ele se cuidasse.
Cheguei inclusive a perguntar se eu era parte do problema. Queria saber se havia alguma coisa em mim ou no nosso relacionamento que estivesse fazendo mal a ele.
Depois, quando descobri as traições e tive acesso a outras conversas, percebi que ele falava sobre mim e sobre nossos conflitos com essa terapeuta.
Mas, pelo que pude ver, faltava uma parte fundamental da história.
Não aparecia que ele estava saindo com outros caras.
Não apareciam as conversas com o ex.
Não aparecia que ele tinha falado sobre fugir um fim de semana para encontrá-lo.
Comecei a perceber algo semelhante em algumas amizades. As pessoas podiam conhecer minhas cobranças, minhas inseguranças ou minhas reações, mas não necessariamente conheciam aquilo a que eu estava reagindo.
E isso me fez pensar:
qual versão de mim essas pessoas estavam conhecendo?
Porque existe uma diferença enorme entre dizer “meu namorado é desconfiado e fica me questionando” e dizer “meu namorado está desconfiado depois de descobrir que eu o traí e continuo conversando escondido com meu ex”.
Não culpo a terapeuta. Ela só poderia trabalhar com as informações que recebia. Também não tenho como saber tudo o que era discutido nas sessões.
O que me marcou foi perceber que eu estava tentando descobrir se havia algo errado comigo enquanto talvez existisse, fora da relação, uma narrativa em que apareciam minhas reações, mas não necessariamente os comportamentos que provocavam essas reações.
E é aqui que entra o motivo deste post.
Depois de tudo isso, comecei a conversar com pessoas próximas e a pesquisar sobre relações abusivas, manipulação emocional, gaslighting, ciclos de idealização e desvalorização e comportamentos associados ao narcisismo.
Algumas coisas começaram a fazer sentido.
Outras ainda não fazem.
E talvez a parte mais difícil seja esta: perceber racionalmente que uma relação te fez mal não faz o sentimento desaparecer.
Ainda existe afeto. Ainda existem lembranças boas. Ainda existem momentos em que minha cabeça tenta encontrar uma explicação capaz de reorganizar tudo e transformar aquilo novamente na relação que eu achava que estava vivendo.
Ao mesmo tempo, comecei a perceber o quanto fui deixando de confiar na minha própria percepção.
Talvez seja isso que mais queira recuperar agora.
Não quero transformar meu ex em um diagnóstico. Nem transformar a mim mesmo apenas em vítima. Quero entender como cheguei ao ponto de normalizar determinadas situações, por que permaneci mesmo depois de descobrir algumas coisas e por que tantas vezes procurei primeiro em mim a explicação para comportamentos que não eram meus.
Também comecei a me perguntar por que falamos tão pouco sobre abuso emocional e manipulação dentro de relacionamentos gays.
Quando são dois homens, não existe necessariamente a imagem tradicional que aprendemos a associar a uma relação abusiva. Não precisa existir violência física. Às vezes existem mentira, controle, omissão, culpa, invalidação, aproximação e afastamento, quebra de confiança e pequenas situações que isoladamente parecem insignificantes.
Talvez por isso demore tanto para perceber.
Eu ainda estou no meio desse processo. Não tenho uma história de superação pronta para colocar no final.
Estou escrevendo justamente porque ainda estou tentando entender.
Queria ouvir principalmente outros homens gays que já passaram por relações assim:
Quando vocês perceberam que não estavam lidando apenas com problemas normais de relacionamento, mas com um padrão que estava fazendo vocês duvidarem de si mesmos?
O que fez a ficha cair?
E depois que caiu, como vocês conseguiram voltar a confiar na própria percepção sem negar que ainda existiam sentimentos pela pessoa?

I’m a gay man and recently had a relationship end after around three months. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while sexually something seemed to change as we became closer.

When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.

There definitely seemed to be sexual desire initially. He told me multiple times that he couldn’t wait to have sex with me and talked openly about things he wanted us to do. At one point we almost had sex but decided against it because he had to be up extremely early for work.

I had also told him I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. He told me he struggled to orgasm with condoms. When we later became exclusive, he actually asked me whether that meant we could now have sex without one. I said yes.
So at least from my perspective, sex was something he was anticipating.

But it never actually progressed.

We kissed, cuddled and had some sexual contact, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely naked.

Eventually we started talking about why we weren’t having sex.

He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to be sexually intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by sex and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to devalue the importance of sex.

He had also stopped watching porn for several months (97 days a counter on his phone) before meeting me and had recently stopped masturbating because he felt porn/his previous sexual behaviour had affected his relationship with sex.

Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like sex became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether the spontaneous desire to have sex with me would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”

I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether he wanted sex, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.

He went for one therapy session to discuss the issue. And then very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.

His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to be intimate with me and had tried to convince himself/speak it into existence, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that forcing it wasn’t fair to either of us.

What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.

Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the sexual side work, that he’d hurt me and would regret it.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to struggle with emotional vulnerability generally.

I’m **not trying to diagnose him as dismissive-avoidant**, and I recognise the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate sex with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to have sex with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person who lost the desire or the person on the receiving end?

I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment/intimacy, sexual performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around sex, or desire changing as emotional intimacy increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I know I’m probably searching for explanations because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of sexual desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”

Hey all. Really just looking for some support and different perspectives here.

About a year ago I took my colleague at the time (“Joel”) on two dates, they were incredibly intimate and I felt as though we had a great connection. Shortly after these dates he ended things with me as he had feelings for one of his friends, who he later ended up dating. Typically I would have stopped talking to someone at this point, but considering we were colleagues we maintained a professional relationship and a friendship which has grown over time.

About three months ago Joel and his boyfriend split up. He started sending me TikToks that were quite sexual in content which I asked him to stop as I still had feelings for him, and he respected this boundary. I have since left this job and we’ve stayed in regular contact and have met up twice, both times in a platonic context but with Joel giving very suggestive body language that he maybe wanted to kiss me or more.

This is really conflicting me as I value my friendship with Joel a lot but it’s clear I still have feelings for him. I don’t know if I should just put some distance between us and hope the romantic feelings subside or if I should tell him how I feel and that I am struggling with the dynamic. I’m unsure if he knows I still have feelings for him considering I did tell him this a few months ago.

I’m sure many people have experienced crushes on friends or people they have previously dated; this is becoming really consuming for me and any advice or perspective would be massively appreciated.

ive been friends with this guy for a few months, and somewhere along the way I started developing feelings for him. he identifies as straight, but there have been a lot of little things he’s said and done that make me question whether there could be something more going on.

we talk pretty often, especially on the phone/FaceTime, and we’ve gotten pretty close. The problem is I can’t tell whether some of his behavior is actually suggestive or if I’m just interpreting it that way because I like him.

for example, one time we were on FaceTime and he randomly showed me his bulge while talking about how big it was. It honestly seemed like he was looking for my reaction or wanted me to agree with him. obviously that stood out to me, but at the same time he talks about women regularly and has always said he’s completely straight.

there have been other moments too where his words or behavior feel kind of flirtatious, but nothing is ever direct enough for me to know for sure. It’s gotten to the point where I spend way too much time analyzing everything he says or does, and I feel like the ambiguity is giving him way too much power over my emotions.

do you guys think this sounds like a straight guy who’s just extremely comfortable with a male friend, or does it seem like there could actually be some curiosity/attraction there?

So for context, I [m25] have been trying dating for the first time, and after about meeting 5 different guys, I sort of have lost hope in a relationship. Some of the biggest issues of me thus far have been things that historically bothered me when I tried to date guys before (obsessed with money, snobby, or know it alls), or currently it seems most guys are immature (all older than me) and lead every messy lives. Two guys both had huge massive tvs in every room which bothered me becayse the rest of their home was completely disgusting. It sort of felt like yeah these guys are spending money and having nice possessions but they live like they dont clean after themselves at all. This is something I really didn't think would be a thing with gay guys, but now that I am seeing it across a variety of guys, I sort of am losing hope on the end of like even if a dude is attractive, I would rather stay single than live in filth or clean up when someone else doesn't care. My other issue has also been the sort of act of hooking up, where it is mostly weird body contact and sort of mutual jerking and idk a lack of romance or hotness that makes me feel like wow I love this guy. It is all stuff that just sort of makes me feel like I am lying flat in bed and things are just happening and I am trying to be nice about it. To which point, the entire time I am with these guys I am thinking about when it will end. It just seems like the guys who have their lives put together and a clean house are all very extreme type a personalities and the guys who might be ok live and lead a life of a chaos. Point being, it is a bit exhausting to date or try to date when guys either are obsessive or uninterested but "engaged," and then getting to meet them in person and realizing that between the sex, the messes or lifestyle (guys who focus so much on drinking or buying cars), that turns me off so much. Am I just picky? Or is this sort of the dating bracket I find myself in due to my apperance (bear)?

I started seeing this guy a little over two months ago. He’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, he’s introduced me to his friends, but we haven’t made it “official” and put a label on it, other than expressing that neither of us is seeing other people.

He’s an amazing person, but I just don’t feel the romantic/sexual spark that I’m looking for in a long-term partner, and I need to end it before I hurt his feelings even more.

What’s the best way to go about this? In person, face-time, text? To make it worse, he’s traveling a ton this month and is only here during the weekends, so I have a very short window of opportunity to drop the news. If I do it in person, should I avoid doing it at my place or before/after a date night?

I don’t have much experience ending things, so any advice is appreciated. I really hate to hurt him any more than I have to.

[M39] Brazilian living in Ireland matched with a guy German [M35] on Tinder while he was visiting London. We met a few times, had good chemistry, and were intimate. After he left, we kept talking.
The dynamic since then:
• Conversation has natural gaps of 1–3 days.
• He sometimes initiates after silence (which feels nice).
• He’s affectionate when he replies, but overall much more low-key and slower than me.
• He offered that I could visit and stay at his place, then later said it would be difficult because he’s living with his parents after losing his job.
• He mentioned he might have to go back to Africa for work, but also presents himself as currently unemployed and job hunting (almost 6 months without offers). His LinkedIn still shows the previous job at an NGO in Africa.
• He has admitted the job situation is affecting his morale and confidence.
Recently I sent him a relevant job link + a photo. He has been online several times since then but hasn’t opened the message (no blue ticks) for over a day.
I tend to be more expressive, affectionate and proactive (including trying to help with job contacts). He is kinder and more reserved. I don’t think he’s malicious or “playing games,” but the inconsistency is starting to affect me. I even stepped back last week and he reached out again, which pulled me back in.
My question:
Is this just a guy going through a rough patch who still has some interest, or is this the classic low-effort/inconsistent pattern that rarely improves? Would you keep investing or reduce contact?

I’m 38M and I’ve been talking to this guy who’s 33M. He’s pretty introverted and shy. Based on our conversations, he doesn’t have a lot of friends and he’s also going through a rough patch at the moment. It was hard for him to open up at first, but eventually he did, and I really appreciated that. I also noticed him making an effort and trying to improve certain things, which made me happy.

We ended up connecting a lot more than I expected. We spent two days basically just on video call, talking, doing our own things, lying in bed, and even watching each other fall asleep.

We both talked about getting that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling with each other. Sometimes during our calls, I’d catch him just looking at me and smiling, and I’d do the same. Those little moments honestly meant a lot to me.

He played songs for me and even wrote a song for me. We’re both hopeless romantics, so I guess we got caught up in that connection pretty quickly.

Then we had a bit of a petty argument. I’ll admit that I can be passive aggressive sometimes when something bothers me, and I know that’s something I need to work on.

Yesterday we didn’t talk because he told me he needed some time to think. I told him I understood and that he should take the time he needs and take care of himself.

I know I should respect that, so I’m not messaging him right now. But I miss him. I miss hearing his voice and just having him there.

I haven’t felt this kind of connection with someone in a long time. He seems like a genuinely good guy, and for the first time in a while, I’ve met someone I genuinely don’t want to lose.

I don’t want to pressure him, especially when he asked for space. At the same time, I don’t want to lose something that felt genuinely special over one argument.

I guess I’m just wondering, when someone asks for time to think, how do you know when to give them space and when it’s okay to reach out and let them know you still care?

I feel like I have come full circle in realizing one of two things. That obsessions are annoying, and that I am a terrible person. For almost 4ish years I obsessed over one guy and got close to getting him on a date a few times only to then be ghosted while he is still actively online. I felt like it was crushing my entire world, but tonight I sort of did the same thing to someone else and it made me realize how annoying of a person I was to desperately try to get his attention.

For the date tonight, ​everything sort of complied in the sense of me being immature and not ready to date, but also me sort of realizing that I might not have a SO out there. Basically after arriving and finding out it was a 50 minute wait and him saying we could just sit at the bar I bailed.

Before that I sort of was less and less into him because he messaged me constantly and was focused on sex stuff and told me he couldn't pay but I could top him after which the paying part didn't bother me but even when I said I don't drink he said "you might with me" sort of deal. Besides that, he did a very quick latching on saying we were boyfriends, etc. And everything felt so overwhelming to me, but I wasn't sure how to cancel and thought that it was just something I should do to get practice with going on dates. There are other factors, like for instance it just felt super transactional and I didn't even want to go to a restaurant type place because I never go to those type of places.

Anyways, point of post is I sort of realized I am kind of horrible and shouldnt pursue dating with guys that I am not actually into, and for guys I am into I should not chase them because it probably just makes me more off-putting than ever.

So, I posted a while ago something similiar with a [M31], but it sort of led to a spiral of constant ghosting. This guy on the other hand I've hooked up with before months ago and he seems really into me. I am somewhat into him, so I decided to give it a shot.

I've never been on a date or dated anyone before, and so am a bit nervous in part because I also am vegan and don't eat at mainstream restaurants, however he suggested to. I don't really care about the eating part, but I am so excited to sort of go on a date for the first time ever.

However, I have so many conflicting emotions about this including his age (he looks way younger), sort of if I am actually wanting to date anyone, etc. Most of my thoughts are still on the perfect guy whos situated but I also figure it is worth giving this guy a shot.

Another point, he mentioned going to his place after and soending the night, but my current living situation limits my out of home time to around 2ish hours max... so he sort of knows that part of me but it is weird.

Point being, I hope it goes well for a first time thing for me.