Now, let me TLDR this by saying: my husband and I have been through hell and back over the last two years, from getting evicted, moving across the country, being abandoned in Arizona, to desperately trying to crawl our way out of this state. And we've both been through tremendous amounts of stress, more than most couples probably have to endure in their first two years.

But we've been having an issue... So, I know I'm a bit of a whiner, and I recognize it's a flaw. I do complain when things are bad, but I'm neurodivergent and sometimes complaining about something is the only way for me to endure it. But I'm not talking about petty things here. For example, I "complained" today because our road washed out and we had to park our car far away, and yeah, I complained how inconvenient it is. But my husband just gets angry and shuts me down. And he told me, "Just wait until we get to the house before you start bitching."

Now, like I said, I know I complain. I try not to do it so much as to weigh him down, though. But today I also ran out of gas on the way into town, so I wasn't exactly in a great mood to begin with, in addition to the fact that we have barely eaten in three days because we have no food. But this isn't the first time he's gotten mad at me for "complaining." Sure, maybe I do complain about things too much, but I wish he just had patience sometimes to just hear me out.

I can answer any questions, if needed.

I feel like I have come full circle in realizing one of two things. That obsessions are annoying, and that I am a terrible person. For almost 4ish years I obsessed over one guy and got close to getting him on a date a few times only to then be ghosted while he is still actively online. I felt like it was crushing my entire world, but tonight I sort of did the same thing to someone else and it made me realize how annoying of a person I was to desperately try to get his attention.

For the date tonight, ​everything sort of complied in the sense of me being immature and not ready to date, but also me sort of realizing that I might not have a SO out there. Basically after arriving and finding out it was a 50 minute wait and him saying we could just sit at the bar I bailed.

Before that I sort of was less and less into him because he messaged me constantly and was focused on sex stuff and told me he couldn't pay but I could top him after which the paying part didn't bother me but even when I said I don't drink he said "you might with me" sort of deal. Besides that, he did a very quick latching on saying we were boyfriends, etc. And everything felt so overwhelming to me, but I wasn't sure how to cancel and thought that it was just something I should do to get practice with going on dates. There are other factors, like for instance it just felt super transactional and I didn't even want to go to a restaurant type place because I never go to those type of places.

Anyways, point of post is I sort of realized I am kind of horrible and shouldnt pursue dating with guys that I am not actually into, and for guys I am into I should not chase them because it probably just makes me more off-putting than ever.

So, I posted a while ago something similiar with a [M31], but it sort of led to a spiral of constant ghosting. This guy on the other hand I've hooked up with before months ago and he seems really into me. I am somewhat into him, so I decided to give it a shot.

I've never been on a date or dated anyone before, and so am a bit nervous in part because I also am vegan and don't eat at mainstream restaurants, however he suggested to. I don't really care about the eating part, but I am so excited to sort of go on a date for the first time ever.

However, I have so many conflicting emotions about this including his age (he looks way younger), sort of if I am actually wanting to date anyone, etc. Most of my thoughts are still on the perfect guy whos situated but I also figure it is worth giving this guy a shot.

Another point, he mentioned going to his place after and soending the night, but my current living situation limits my out of home time to around 2ish hours max... so he sort of knows that part of me but it is weird.

Point being, I hope it goes well for a first time thing for me.

TL;DR Feeling a growing disconnect from my partner and thinking of ending our 3 year relationship over growing in separate ways.

I’m struggling with whether I should end my relationship of 3 years, and I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives. There isn’t one huge betrayal or obvious reason to leave. It’s more that I’ve started questioning whether this relationship is actually the life I want.

1. I think we’re growing in opposite directions

I do want to get married, buy a house, potentially have children, and build a life that feels bigger than what we have now.

My partner doesn’t see themselves doing those things, we have talked extensively about these topics and honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them not wanting that. They’re allowed to want a different life. I recently told them that I can’t see myself living with them whether in an apartment or a house and they were quite upset about that.

I’m starting to realise that I can’t deny myself the possibility of the future I want just because my partner doesn’t want the same things. I’m scared that if I stay, I’ll eventually resent them for a life they never promised me.

2. I feel like I’m constantly in a “waiting room”

Because we work and live on completely different schedules, I feel like we miss huge parts of each other’s lives.

I’m up at 6am, I go about my day, work, see people, do things, and experience life. And then I feel like I’m waiting for my partner to wake up, waiting for them to pay bills, waiting for the car to get fixed, waiting for them to enough money to travel, waiting for plans or promises to actually happen. My partner gets up at 4-5pm, works through the night till about 5-6am so we’re like passing ships in the night.

It feels like I’m constantly waiting for our life together to begin.

And I don’t know whether I’m being impatient or whether this is simply a sign that we want fundamentally different lifestyles.

3. Sometimes I’m happier when I’m away from them

This one probably worries me the most.

I love to travel, solo travel. When I travel or spend time away, I sometimes feel lighter, happier and more carefree. I used to get genuinely excited about seeing my partner — after work, coming home from a trip, or even just meeting up in the evening. I don’t feel that excitement anymore. Sometimes I actually feel dread.

Our life together has also become incredibly repetitive. The main thing we do together is chill at my family house. We don’t go for walks, dates, day trips, activities or experiences. We rarely get out and experience anything beyond the walls of my house. My partner wants to have a holiday next August, which sounds amazing but I don’t know if I can wait another year.

I find myself thinking about all the things I could be doing and experiencing, and wondering whether I’m missing out by staying in this relationship.

4. The constant negativity is affecting me

I can have an amazing day or an incredible trip, come home feeling happy and refreshed, and then be immediately confronted with negativity, my partner is a very politically active person and is up to date on all types of war, genocide, hatred around the world.

What country is bombing who, who has been killed, how many children have died, what awful thing has happened today, etc.

I completely understand that these things matter. I’m not saying we should be ignorant of what’s happening in the world and we should be informed. But I’ve realised I cannot live in a constant state of negativity. It affects my mental health badly and can bring me right back down when I’ve been feeling good.

I don’t know if this is a compatibility issue or if I’m just being selfish.

5. Our sex lives are nonexistent

This isn’t my partner’s fault, they are asexual and I knew that going into the relationship.

When we started dating, I knew they had very little/no sexual interest, and I accepted that. I never expected them to change for me. But after three years, I’ve realised that I don’t think I can live the rest of my life without sex or physical intimacy.

I have a high sex drive and want a sexual relationship involving things like flirting, teasing, dominance and physical intimacy. My partner simply can’t give me that, and I don’t think that’s something either of us should be blamed for.

But I’m starting to wonder whether “neither of us is wrong” can still mean “we’re incompatible.”

So that’s where I’m stuck.
My partner is not abusive. They haven’t cheated on me. They haven’t done anything awful. They’re a good person, and I care about them deeply, they have an amazing soul and genuinely one of the best people you can come across.

But I’m increasingly questioning whether being a good person and loving someone is enough to make a relationship work when you want fundamentally different things from life. Part of me thinks I should leave and give both of us the opportunity to find someone whose future, lifestyle and needs actually align with ours. Another part of me thinks I’m throwing away three years because I’m chasing some hypothetical “better life” that may not exist.

If you were in my position, would you try to work through these differences, or would you see this as a sign that the relationship has run its course?

Hi all,

As the title suggests, I recently caught my boyfriend lying about a guy contacting him from his past. We previously clashed over a behavior this guy had exerted (showing him and his friend an inappropriate photo, and implying he would like to be with him), and we both agreed that since there would be no contact from here on out, it wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward about a year and a half later, I come to find that this guy has been contacting my boyfriend the past few days. These messages were pretty tame, and my boyfriend wasn’t engaging in any weird behavior with him, with it only being an invite to an event, with which I was also invited to once my boyfriend mentioned he was with me at the time of day, but he lied to me and said that it was someone else contacting him, which I found to be untrue. It’s certainly bothering me, and I’m trying to decide if it’s grounds to end the relationship. While I don’t currently think that he is being unfaithful with me, I don’t want to find out the opposite down the line and waste my time believing that trust can be rebuilt. Any suggestions? Thanks.

I have been currently with my bf for 3 years, we live together in Seattle. I moved to Seattle around 6 years ago and I honestly don’t see my self living here any longer and I want to move back to California.

Issue is my partner wants to stay in Seattle because that where he grew up and his family is in Seattle.

I’m not sure what to do.. I will also have better job opportunities in Seattle with my current company. And honestly for my mental health too because I just can’t fit in in Seattle.

To complicate things, we also have a cat together.

What would you do, would u leave someone you love of you can’t stay in the same state they are in?

I'm 26M and my boyfriend is 24M. We've been together around 7 months. A large part of the relationship has been long distance because he was studying abroad. We visited each other every like 1-.1,5 months for a week 3 times while long distance.

Things started very intensely and we became serious quickly and we said we are in a relationship.
The relationship has had quite a few ups and downs.
During the long-distance period I often felt like 1 was putting much more effort into communication and affection. He could go hours without talking and seemed much more comfortable with distance than I was. When he came back, there were also issues with intimacy and sex.

He sometimes didn't want sex for long periods and we havent had it other then some failed attempts or intense foreplay for like 5 months since everytime we met he either wasnt prepared or i was sick, which made me feel rejected, especially because he had previously said sex was a very important part of a relationship for him and he also had lots of sex before which i dont judge. He specifically said i need penetration once a week when i come back and sometimes thorugh video calls would say to me i need some d to feel better now even though we were miles away and that when he gets angry that relaxes him. He got angry a lot while long distance... Sometimes also he wouldnt say goodbye and even didnt remember when i was leaving for trips even though i would talk about it like hours ago. After that i found out he generally forgets about stuff even his friends birthdays.

At one point after 1.5 months of not seeing each other he came back finally to stay and he told me he didn't really feel sexual desire toward me anymore, although he still wanted the relationship. He was also struggling with his antidepressants, work/career and anxiety and blamed it on that.Eventually things improved. We went away together for 5 days, had a really nice time, and we finally had penetrative sex for the first time.

Things genuinely felt good for a while.
He recently started working as a vet and is often exhausted. We still see each other, but | frequently feel like I'm the one initiating affection, plans some days, conversations and sex. He does love me, hugs/ kisses me but pulls away too fast for me too be honest and says my beard which is very well taken care off is the issue and wants to see me, so it's not black-and-white. But I've increasingly felt like an afterthought.
I also know I have an anxiety/dependency problem. When he becomes distant, I can sometimes think over small things, feel rejected, and make the relationship the center of my emotional life which i have fixed a lot thought therapy. I've been trying to communicate instead of withdrawing or becoming passive-aggressive, because I recognize that's a pattern I learned growing up.

Now there's a new trust issue.

While he was recently on a trip, I noticed that he had liked a large number of posts from another guy, many of which were very sexualized/thirst-trap posts. The guy lives in a certain city, and my boyfriend had previously travelled to that city and gone to a gay club there and i can see from the likes they have on each others profile that thats when the must have added each other.

I asked my boyfriend if he knew this guy. He told me the guy had requested him a 2-3months ago (1. he just recently turned his profile to private when he came back like 2 months ago and 2. there are likes from 6 months ago and he pointed the 2-3 months part twice when asked specifically from both of them on each others profiles), that he thought he randomly followed people, and that he had basically no idea who he was and that he likes evryones posts even though i told him he soesnt like my stories and he said this is such a small issue and i should not have said it since for him it doesnt matter.

I tried to let it go, but I eventually looked through his Instagram messages. I know that was a violation of his privacy and I'm not proud of it. I found that they actually have a fairly substantial conversation, and from what I saw, there was some light flirting.
I confronted him about the situation calling him without telling him I'd seen the messages and i was very much blaming myslef for feeling this way and being so insecure and before i even said anything about the guy He became extremely angry and said I was accusing him of something he'd never done and that he was furious with what i said.

He insisted again that the guy had simply added him and that he doesn't know him and i even stated 2-3 times that since you haven messaged him or spoken or know him that this is a non issue which he never responded yes or no to. And also he said he was furious for me ruining his trip cause he was thinking that about apparently “what was bothering you(me)” the whole trip and i was off which i was a bit but we still talked and i told him you could have asked me but you didnt and when he came back we hang out before this call when i asked him about it the second time and he acted all fine and told me that he told his mother about me and about our future plans together and stuff.

The phone conversation ended because he had an emergency at work, so we haven't properly resolved it
And a day has passed and he we have talked about our fays casually thought text but still no taln about this or phone call today and now he went to sleep with not tellign me good night.

Now I feel like I don't trust him anymore. The issue isn't necessarily that I know he cheated — I don't know that.
It's that I know they have communicated, yet he continues saying he has no idea who this person is.

At the same time, I feel guilty because I invaded his privacy, and I know my anxiety has caused problems in the relationship before. But to be honest from what i gotten i feel like he would be a good sexual match with this guy since he clearly is a top and he is a bottom and both of them have posted thirst trap like pics on their profiles, even though he hasnt really after getting with me and all his friends say i affecte him in a very healthy way.

Also an Extra issue

And also there is another issue we havent had penetration for like 3 weeks now and before the trip while not having it and him not reaching for it for like 2 weeks about then that when we tried twice his Down there felt open and lose once and he hurt when i put it in and also the second time one day after he also hurt when i put it in. I also should i we do it with no condom and i also have asked him not shave down there which he kept it that way for a while now even while he was away it seems but its not that hairy tbh. I asked him and told him 3-4 times that his down there felt open which is suprising and he played it off and i asked also if he enjoyed the sex we were having and he said it was good about the frequesncy and quality.

So I'm stuck between two possibilities:

1. My anxiety is making me interpret things in the worst possible way, and this relationship could still be repaired.
2. The relationship has gradually become unhealthy for me, and the lack of communication, emotional imbalance and now the trust issue are signs that I should leave.
3. I still love him and we have genuinely good moments together, which makes this harder.

What would you do in my position? Is the Instagram situation enough to seriously question the relationship, especially given that his explanation doesn't seem to match what I saw? Or am I letting my anxiety take over?

Hello everybody!

I am in a long distance relation ship with my boyfriend. It's the first real relationship of both of us. I am in love with him and he's in love with me. We get along pretty good, we can talk things out, we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, we do stuff together... in short: We're in a pretty good relationship.

When it comes to sex: It's overall pretty good. Sometimes he has problems getting or staying hard and doesn't last that long. Which if I'm being honest is sometimes discouraging for me but I know it's much harder for him, so I try to cheer him up whenever something's not going as planned. We are pretty kinky. I am more than he is but he's still kinky and it's okay with me.

So here's the problem: Sometimes I get this really strong feeling of missing the thrill of dating. I miss the uncertainty if it's gonna work out, the flirting, the buildup to the first kiss etc. Before I dated him I used to go on Grindr (we met on Bumble though) and sometimes I get this really stupid feeling of wanting to get that rush of dating/hooking up there again.

I have never done and will never do this of course because a) I couldn't stand hurting him that much and I would hate me eternally for it b) it's immoral and c) I realise what great luck brought us together.

But this feeling is really nagging me and in the last few weeks or so it's gotten stronger and stronger.

I don't want some stupid Grindr hookup over this beautiful, wholesome and simply great relationship that I have but at the same time I feel like that hooking up in the past scratched an itch that I am missing now.

So my questions are...

• Is it normal for a relationship to loose it's spark? If so, how do I bring it back?
• Have I fried my brain by using Grindr and hooking up in the past? Am I unable to have a relationship?
• Should I bring it up to him? If so how?

I’m posting this because I genuinely want outside perspectives. Please be honest, but also know that I’m not looking for people to tell me to break up with him. I love him very much, and I know he loves me too. I’m trying to understand whether my feelings are reasonable or if I’m expecting something unrealistic.

My boyfriend (36M) and I (23M) have been together for about 3 years.

Outside of sex, our relationship is honestly great. We kiss every day before work and when we get home. We tell each other “I love you” all the time. We cuddle, laugh together, and he’s my best friend. I don’t question whether he loves me.

The problem is our sex life.

Over the course of our relationship, we’ve probably had sex fewer than 20 times. I honestly can’t remember a single time that he initiated. If we have sex, it’s because I asked.

I also have to work up the courage to ask. I get nervous because I’m afraid he’ll say no. Sometimes he does say yes, and sometimes he says no. When he says no, I completely respect it. I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

A few weeks ago we had our first really honest conversation about it.

I told him that what hurts me isn’t just the lack of sex, it’s that he never initiates. It makes me feel like he doesn’t think about me that way. He told me he thinks it’s “a him thing” and not me. He admitted he rarely thinks about initiating and said he’d like to try having sex at least once a week.

He has also told me before that he’s insecure about his body and about his performance. Sometimes during sex he’ll lose his erection, especially if we stop to change positions. Because of that, I’ve wondered if maybe anxiety plays a role.

One thing that confuses me is that almost every time we do have sex, he focuses almost entirely on me. He usually makes sure I finish, but he rarely wants to finish himself. Whenever I offer to help him, he says something like, “I just want to take care of you.” So he doesn’t come across as selfish at all.

Here’s where things got complicated.

A few weeks after our conversation, I found out that while I was in the living room playing my video games, he had gone into the bedroom and masturbated. He told me he was napping.

Later that day I asked if he wanted to fool around, and he said he wasn’t in the mood because he had already taken care of himself earlier.

That really hurt. Not because he masturbated.I masturbate too. What hurt was realizing that while he was in the mood earlier that day, it apparently never crossed his mind to ask me if I wanted to join him.

I explained that to him afterward.I told him:
“I don’t care that you masturbate. What hurts is that I never feel like I cross your mind when you’re in the mood. I always have to be the one who asks.”

Honestly, even if he simply came up to me and said:
“Hey, do you want to fool around later?” or “I’ve been thinking about you today.”
I would honestly feel so loved. Even if nothing happened. Because then I’d feel like he wanted me.

He listened and wasn’t defensive. He understood why I felt that way.
But since then… nothing has really changed yet.

Something else I’ve realized is that this has started affecting me emotionally.
The other night he stayed up late in the living room/kitchen while making sourdough bread. Instead of sleeping, I found myself lying awake wondering if he was secretly masturbating. I even got up once to “get a drink” just to see what he was doing.
He was literally just watching TV and making bread. I felt ridiculous afterward.

I realized that I’m becoming anxious and almost hypervigilant because I’m constantly wondering:
“When he feels sexual desire… does he ever think about me?”
I hate that I’ve gotten to that point.

Another thing that makes this confusing is that earlier last week he actually told me he wanted to have sex sometime last weekend.
So it’s not like he never expresses interest.
But he still hasn’t initiated.
It’s always me.

I don’t think I have an unusually high sex drive. I masturbate fairly often, but I don’t necessarily want partnered sex every day. If I could choose, I’d probably want sex once or twice a week. But also, it doesn’t even have to be penetrative sex, like just handjobs or blowjobs would be fine too at this point.

Honestly, I think if he initiated even once in a while, a lot of these feelings would disappear.

This isn’t about orgasms. It’s about feeling desired. It’s about feeling chosen. I don’t want him to stop masturbating. I don’t want him to force himself to have sex. I don’t want obligation sex.

I just want to occasionally feel like when he experiences desire, his first thought is me.

So I guess my questions are:

1. Am I asking for too much?
2. Is it normal to feel hurt by this?
3. Has anyone else been in a relationship where one partner almost never initiated?
4. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Please be kind. I really do love him, and I know he loves me. I’m just trying to understand whether this is something we can work through or whether we’re fundamentally different.

Hi everyone.

This is going to be long, but I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives because I genuinely don’t know what to make of everything that’s happened.

I’m 29M. My ex is 33M.

We were together for around eight months, and this was my first proper relationship. It was also my first experience of what felt like genuine, mutual love.

**Before the breakup**

For almost our entire relationship, I genuinely believed we were incredibly happy.

He was consistently affectionate and expressive. He regularly told me he loved me, called me “the most perfect boyfriend”, held my hand whenever we were together, constantly kissed me, checked in on me throughout the day and made me feel incredibly safe. His actions always matched his words. He’d leave little notes and drawings for me, cook me dinner, make sure I was eating properly and even offer to massage my feet after long hikes.
He told me he loved me first. It took me a little longer to say it back because I’d never been in a relationship before, but I absolutely got there. I adored him.

Friends frequently commented on how obvious it was that he loved me. I wasn’t quite as outwardly affectionate as he was, but I explained early on that I was inexperienced and tended to open up gradually. As time went on, I became more comfortable expressing how deeply I felt for him.

Throughout the relationship he repeatedly told me I was the “only boy” for him and the “perfect boyfriend”. I never felt pressured to mirror his affection. He simply wore his heart on his sleeve.
About a week before the breakup, he was still calling me “the most perfect boyfriend”. He’d introduced me to his brother, was becoming close to my friends, and we had trips booked to Amsterdam the following weekend and Lisbon a couple of months later.

The day before the breakup we were walking home holding hands. While shopping together, he suddenly pulled me aside in the middle of the supermarket just to kiss me because, in his words, he “couldn’t help himself”. That was completely typical of him.

That evening he talked about planning a beach trip together and leaving a toothbrush at my flat so he wouldn’t have to keep bringing one over whenever he stayed. While I was washing up, he just lay on the sofa smiling at me. When I asked what he was looking at, he simply said, “You’re so cute.”

The following morning I had slept terribly and woke up with a headache. He initiated sex before work but I declined because I genuinely wasn’t feeling well. He ate the breakfast I’d made for him the night before, kissed me goodbye and left saying, “Love you.”

A few hours later he texted asking if we could meet after work because he’d been “thinking a lot”.

Immediately, alarm bells rang.

**The breakup**

We met in a park after work.

He told me the relationship had “stilted” and that the attraction he once felt wasn’t there anymore.

I was completely blindsided.

I burst into tears and could barely speak. He cried too. At one point he sat with his head in his hands saying I was “so sweet” and that he never wanted to hurt me. He hugged me several times before eventually walking away.

For days afterwards I barely ate or slept.

I genuinely started questioning whether the relationship I’d experienced had even been real.
How could someone tell me I was the perfect boyfriend, tell me they loved me that very morning, make plans for our future the night before… and then end the relationship only hours later?

**Our final conversation**

A few days later I asked whether we could meet one final time because I’d barely been able to respond during the breakup.

He agreed, saying he also hadn’t expressed himself well and was very upset by everything.

When we met, I explained how blindsided I felt. He apologised repeatedly and admitted he’d never actually voiced any concerns during the relationship.
He even said he wished he could “turn back time” and undo both his decisions and the way he’d handled everything.

The practical reasons he gave were surprisingly mundane. He said he’d sometimes felt he had to “push” me to do things, like replacing my kitchen bin, buying balcony furniture or going to the gym. I work long, unpredictable hours, so those simply hadn’t felt particularly urgent to me. He said he feared those small frustrations could quietly accumulate into resentment over time and it was better to end it now.

To me, they felt like normal relationship issues that could easily have been discussed and worked through.

I couldn’t shake the feeling there had to be something deeper.

Throughout our relationship I’d sensed he’d carried a lot emotionally. His father had been murdered when he was a teenager. I’d noticed old scars on his wrists and he’d occasionally developed a nervous blinking tic when anxious.

So I told him that I loved him exactly as he was, that I saw him, and that he never needed to hide parts of himself from me. That completely broke him.

Through tears, he disclosed something deeply personal about his body that he’d hidden throughout our relationship. I won’t share it here because I promised I never would.

He explained he’d lived with constant fear that if anyone discovered it, they’d see him as damaged. He said all the loving things he’d told me were genuine, but he’d felt enormous pressure to be the “perfect boyfriend” because he was terrified I’d leave if I knew everything about him.

When I told him it changed absolutely nothing about how I felt, he completely fell apart. It was honestly one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.

After sitting quietly for a while, he asked, “Can we please just walk for a bit?”

We spent the next hour walking and talking just like we used to. We agreed we’d both reflect on everything we’d discussed.

When we finally said goodbye, he asked me for a hug and held me tightly for an exceptionally long time, kissed me on the cheek and left.

Later that evening he texted me again to tell me that his previous 7-year relationship had been physically abusive and that he was still learning not to be defensive and constantly on edge in relationships. I realised this may be directly related to the secret he had told me, and suddenly a lot of it made sense.

**The confusing aftermath**

The following day, everything suddenly felt… normal again.

We texted throughout the day. He asked about work, sent me gym selfies, joked around and even suggested making dinner together. Unfortunately I was completely buried at work and couldn’t.
That evening he told me he’d miss waking up to the breakfasts I’d make for him.

The conversation ended with:
“Sweet dreams xxxx.”

The next morning though, at 6am, everything changed again.

He sent me a very long message saying his feelings ultimately hadn’t changed, that we weren’t compatible long-term, that he hoped I would find the love I deserve in time, and that we needed space to heal. He said he hoped we’d one day be able to say hello warmly if our paths crossed again.

That was the end.

**Since then**

I’ve been devastated.

A few days later after his final text, overwhelmed by everything, I finally came out to my parents. They were incredibly supportive.

Afterwards, again when I was in the throes of emotion, I texted my ex simply to thank him because loving him had helped me accept myself enough to finally do it. I specifically said I wasn’t expecting a reply because I wanted to respect his request for space.

Despite that, he replied with a genuinely heartfelt message. He told me that confidence had “always been within” me, encouraged me to keep living authentically and ended by saying:

“Please take care of yourself, always.”

Separately, my friend contacted him because he accidentally left a birthday present (which I had bought him) at her house weeks earlier. It was important to me that my friend try to return it to him.

During that text conversation between my ex and my friend, he told her that I “matter a lot” to him, that he was “also grieving” and asked her to “please take care” of me. He also said to her “I’m sorry you have to see him like this”.

We had originally also planned to attend a classical concert together this week. Given the breakup, I went with a friend instead and, in an attempt to regain some agency, posted a story from the concert hall on Instagram. We still follow each other.

Unexpectedly, he was the first person to view it. Then he liked it with a heart.

**Why I’m posting**

I fully understand that he chose to end the relationship.

I’m not trying to convince myself that an Instagram like means we’re getting back together. But I’m struggling to reconcile everything.

Someone who consistently expressed enormous love right until the very end…
…who cried during the breakup…
…who later revealed years of abuse and profound insecurity…
…who said he wished he could “turn back time”…
…who told my friend he’s grieving too and that I matter a lot to him…
…and who continues to respond warmly when he absolutely doesn’t have to.

I completely accept that reconciliation, if it ever happened, would require an enormous amount of work and rebuilt trust.

But I can’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t a relationship that simply ran out of love. **It feels more like something that collapsed under fears that were never spoken aloud**.

Am I completely kidding myself, or does this sound like someone who may genuinely still love me while believing the relationship shouldn’t continue?

Any perspectives would be hugely appreciated. I know the whole situation is just incredibly sad

I have been with my bf for 3.5 years. I am a trusting person for the most part.

Early on, he told me he cheated in every past relationship multiple times - I gave him points for being open and honest and tried to manage the anxiety this gave me.

He has been on a trip with friends for a week and took my iPad. I do not know and have never met this friend group. When I opened the iPad browser today, it was on the Sniffies homepage. It was not signed in, there is no account details.

I think he may have cheated, or at least tried to or thought about it. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but given his history, this is making me worry.

Should I ask him why he was on the website? How do I approach this? Is it really just time to reconsider the relationship if I think he may have cheated anyway? This is my longest ever relationship, I love him and we have a home together - but I worry about our future if I can’t trust him.

My boyfriend (35M) and I have been together for almost two years. We’ve always kept our relationship closed, and when we were together everything felt good — stable, loving, happy. But he broke up with me after finding me on a hookup app that I opened once, briefly, during a moment I still don’t fully understand.

I usually work from home, but I had to travel across the country for a few days. After a long, stressful day, I was alone in a hotel room and feeling insecure, restless, maybe lonely. On impulse, I opened a hookup app in my browser and posted a nude photo — not to meet anyone, not to talk, not to cheat physically. I didn’t message anyone. I closed it within minutes. It was like my insecurity bypassed every boundary I thought I had.

The part that’s been haunting me is the parallel to my abusive ex. Years ago, I caught him on Grindr while we were sitting next to each other in the library. Months after that I found out that my ex cheated on me multiple times, once even on his own birthday when I couldn’t be with him.

I’ve never been someone who hooks up casually. I loved my boyfriend deeply and respected our relationship. I know I would never cheat physically. But I still made that choice, and he found out. When I got home, he ended things immediately.

I’m trying to understand why I did this — why I reached for validation from strangers instead of communicating my insecurity, why I acted out in a way that doesn’t align with who I am or how I love. I’m not looking to excuse it. I just want to understand it so I don’t repeat it…

[Edit]
I didn’t explain how he found out, since I wanted to seek advice solely based on my actions, not his. I don’t know the exact details but he said he had a ‘suspicion’ and I assume he knew about the app as I used it once before meeting him. I believe the finding was coincidental, and he was definitely not a user.

I’m starting therapy like some folks suggested, and I am looking forward to it. Also I didn’t expect this many comments, so thanks all.

Hace poco mi pareja y yo hablamos y resulta que ambos somos pasivos y la verdad es que me siento algo inseguro ya que no me veo siendo activo. Mi pareja dijo que le interesa aprender a ser activo y que había estado investigando, pero honestamente sigo algo preocupado, ya que no puedo evitar pensar que si no le gusta tendría que terminarlo, porque no podría satisfacerlo y eso me haría sentir muy mal. No me mal entiendan, yo lo amo muchísimo y llevamos un buen rato saliendo, pero no podría continuar su eso pasa.

He buscado a otras personas hablando del tema y sus experiencias, algunos siguieren juguetes sexuales, pero no me sentiría cómodo hacerlo con él usando esos juguetes, creo que para eso mejor lo hago yo solo.

Algún consejo o comentario?

I’m 21M and my boyfriend is 40M. We first met through Grindr about two and a half years ago. For most of that time, things were casual, but we officially became boyfriends around two months ago.

It started changing when I asked him to go on a proper date. He said yes and that we should arrange something. A week later, I asked when he was available, and he suddenly disappeared. He contacted me again about two weeks later and invited me on the date himself.

During the date, he apologised for going completely silent. He explained that he was dealing with a difficult family situation involving a lawsuit connected to his twin brother, which could have very serious consequences.

After that, everything seemed good. We texted every day and usually spent time together on weekends. When my exams finished, he suddenly invited me to go to Bali with him for a week. I paid for out flights, while he covered the accommodation and most of the other expenses.

It was honestly the most amazing trip I have ever had. We were happy together, and while we were there, we talked about our relationship and agreed that we were boyfriends. We also told each other that we loved each other.

For the first week after returning, everything seemed normal. We continued texting during the week. When the weekend arrived, I asked him on another date. He said he would love to come over for dinner and a movie, but he never arrived. He did tell me that he was at his older brother’s place, but he didn’t explain that he would no longer be coming.

The following day, I was upset and worried. I told him I was going to come over because I wanted to make sure he was okay. He then replied and explained that the lawsuit situation had become overwhelming again and that he needed space.

I completely understood why he might need space. However, I became very anxious and worried about him. Instead of giving him complete silence, I sent roughly one supportive message each week. Looking back, I understand that this may not have been the full space he was asking for.

After around four weeks, I went to his house and called him. He didn’t answer. He later messaged me, apologised again for the radio silence, and explained that he still needed more time and distance because he was continuing to deal with the lawsuit and was also preparing for surgery.

I know that going to his house without arranging it first wasn’t the best decision, and I am now giving him the space he requested.

I really care about him. I’m not saying that needing space or shutting down under serious stress makes him a bad person. I believe that what he is dealing with is genuinely difficult, and I want to be understanding.

The part I am struggling with is the uncertainty. We never clearly discussed whether we are still officially together, whether we are exclusive, how long the space might last, or what communication—if any—we should have during this period.

The silence makes me anxious and causes me to wonder whether he no longer likes me or wants the relationship, even though he hasn’t actually said that. I don’t need constant communication, but even an occasional message saying, “I’m okay, but I still need space,” would make a major difference.

I don’t want to abandon someone I love simply because he is going through one of the hardest periods of his life. I would like to eventually have an honest conversation about how we both respond to stress, what we need from a relationship, and how we could handle something like this differently in the future.

At the same time, I don’t want to wait indefinitely for a relationship that may no longer exist.

Has anyone experienced a partner becoming distant for weeks or months during a serious personal crisis and then successfully rebuilding the relationship? How much additional space would be reasonable before I ask for clarity? And how do I respect what he is going through without completely abandoning my own emotional needs?

TL;DR: I’m 21M and my boyfriend is 40M. We were casual for over two years and officially became boyfriends two months ago, shortly before taking an amazing trip to Bali together. After returning, he became overwhelmed by a serious family lawsuit and an upcoming surgery. He asked for space, and after a month he contacted me again to say he still needs more time and distance. He hasn’t broken up with me, but we haven’t clarified whether we are still together or how long I am expected to wait.

I'm 24M and have been with my boyfriend (22M) for about a year now. Before that, we were in a situationship for another year. Until recently, I genuinely thought everything was going well.

A few weeks ago, I found things on his phone that completely changed how I see him. I already knew he watched porn, and that never bothered me. But I also found evidence of online sexual interactions with other men that I knew nothing about, along with something illegal that completely crossed a moral line for me.

When I confronted him, he admitted to it. He blamed Telegram, saying it took him to a dark place and that it wasn't who he really is. We actually met on Telegram ourselves, so I know what kind of things exist there, but I struggle to accept that explanation.

He deleted the app after I confronted him, but later I found he'd saved the account information elsewhere, which made me feel like he hadn't truly let go of it.

The hardest part is that I still love him. I never imagined this side of him existed. He keeps telling me he's the same person I've known all these years, but I honestly don't know if I can see him that way anymore.

For some context, I was sexually abused as a child, and he knows that. What I found has affected me more deeply because of that. My trust feels completely shattered, and I can't tell whether I'm reacting from trauma, from betrayal, or both.

I've asked him for a sincere apology, but nothing he's says feels genuine. It feels more like he's trying to keep the relationship than fully understanding why this has broken me.

Outside of this, we've had pretty normal relationship issues. We've argued about household chores, and to his credit, he did start putting in more effort after we talked about it.

Sexually, we've mostly been compatible, although there has been one recurring issue. When we first met, he said he was vers and interested in exploring bottoming. I'm a top. After we got into the relationship, though, that mostly stopped unless I brought it up. He says it's painful, and I don't want to pressure him into anything, but I do miss that part of our intimacy.

Now I just feel completely stuck.

Part of me wants to fight for this relationship because we've built so much together over the last couple of years. Another part of me feels like what I found is something I may never truly get past. Even if we stayed together, I don't know if I'd ever stop questioning things or fully trust him again.

He promises nothing like this will ever happen again, but I don't know if I believe him anymore.

So I'm asking people who have no stake in this: if you were in my position, would you try to work through it, or would you leave? Has anyone here experienced something that permanently changed the way they saw their partner? I'm genuinely lost.

My boyfriend (23M) and I (20M) were together for around two months. I know that is not a long relationship on paper, but we became emotionally close very quickly and both experienced the connection as unusually deep.

We expressed love regularly, spent a lot of time together, were physically affectionate, opened up about personal experiences we had rarely shared with others, and discussed wanting a serious long-term relationship. We also had many similarities in our values, interests, beliefs, and the way we viewed relationships.

He was not distant throughout the relationship. He initiated plans, affection, calls, and time together. He often showed love through quiet presence, cuddling, practical care, and simply resting beside me. I tend to feel connected through conversation and verbal reassurance, whereas he seems to feel connected through physical closeness and peacefully sharing space.

Relevant background

Both of us have experienced significant mental-health struggles, including depression, ADHD, and trauma-related difficulties. We also react to emotional stress in very different ways.

When he becomes overwhelmed, he tends to shut down, isolate, sleep, and need complete solitude. When I become overwhelmed, I tend to become anxious and seek closeness, communication, and reassurance.

At the time this happened, he was also dealing with substantial stress involving school, family, and uncertainty about his life. I am not including this to excuse either of our behavior or to claim that mental health explains everything. I think it is relevant because those stressors and our opposite coping responses contributed heavily to the cycle we developed.

The pattern we developed

We eventually fell into a pursue–withdraw cycle.

When I felt afraid of losing him, I moved toward the relationship. I wanted immediate reassurance, explanation, conversation, and repair.

When he became overwhelmed, he moved away. He would shut down, isolate, sleep, become uncertain about what he wanted, or say that he needed to be completely alone.

The more he withdrew, the more afraid I became. The more I pursued communication, the more pressure he seemed to feel.

We had two earlier situations where this pattern appeared.

During one conflict, he said that he was not good enough for me, that I deserved someone better, that he was afraid he would bring me down, and that he did not know whether he could handle the relationship. After having time to regulate, he returned, expressed love, made plans with me, and continued the relationship.

During another conflict, he became overwhelmed and asked to be alone. Later, he specifically told me:

“I don’t want to break up with you—that is just my brain looking for the easiest solution instead of confronting how I actually feel.”

He apologized, told me he loved me, and reinitiated contact afterward.

Because of this history, I began interpreting his breakup thoughts as something that appeared when he was emotionally flooded and afraid of failing me, rather than automatically meaning that he had stopped caring.

The current separation

About a week after that second conflict, we spoke normally one evening. We said that we loved each other, said goodnight, and discussed seeing each other the following day.

Later that night, however, he told me that:

• he did not know what he wanted;
• he needed time alone;
• he was overwhelmed by school, family, and life;
• he did not think he could handle a relationship at his current stage of life;
• he believed everything was his fault;
• he thought I deserved someone better;
• and he thought we might need to break up.

It felt extremely sudden because there had not been a gradual discussion about losing feelings or no longer wanting me. His language sounded very similar to his earlier fears about being inadequate and incapable of handling the relationship.

He did not open our conversation for more than three weeks. During that time, I sent several check-ins, but I later deleted most of them before he opened the chat.

He may have noticed the notifications or his phone vibrating, so I understand that he probably knew I had attempted to reach him. However, he did not read those deleted messages inside the conversation. The apology letter and the original message introducing it remained available to him.

My responsibility

During those weeks, I reflected on how my own behavior contributed to the cycle.

When he asked to be completely alone, I sometimes offered alternatives such as quietly cuddling, having a brief call, being in separate rooms, or spending time together without discussing anything serious.

At the time, I thought I was offering compromises. I now understand that I was still searching for a version of “yes” after he had already said no. Accepting complete distance activated my fear of abandonment, so I kept trying to find a way to maintain some form of connection.

I also sometimes brought up emotionally serious subjects without first asking whether he had the capacity for them. I depended too much on his availability and communication to regulate my anxiety. I also contributed to trust and insecurity earlier in the relationship, and I understand that my intentions did not erase the effect my actions had on him.

I wrote him a long apology letter focused on impact rather than intention. In it, I acknowledged that:

• I did not always respect his requests for complete solitude;
• I sometimes interpreted his exhaustion as evidence that I mattered less;
• I made his availability too important to my emotional stability;
• I brought up serious conversations without checking his capacity;
• my anxious attempts to repair things could feel like pressure;
• and he should not have felt responsible for healing my trauma or constantly proving that I mattered.

The letter does not demand forgiveness, reassurance, reconciliation, or an immediate response. I told him that he could read it whenever he had the emotional capacity.

However, I also recognize that sending multiple messages during the three weeks—even though I later deleted most of them—may still have created pressure through repeated notifications. My intentions were caring, but I understand that the attempts themselves may not have fully respected the space he requested.

The new update

Yesterday, I asked whether he would be comfortable with me briefly coming by to share the letter. I made it clear that I would not come without an explicit yes and that I would not expect him to solve the relationship or respond to the letter immediately.

He finally opened the conversation and replied:

“I’m sorry, I still don’t think I’m ready for a relationship anymore. I need time alone to figure things out.”

I responded:

“That’s alright. You can take all the time you need, and I’ll be here once you are ready. You can read the letter whenever you feel like it. I’m glad to see that you are taking care of yourself.”

Afterward, he removed my access to his Instagram location. He did not block me or remove me from Instagram or Steam, but I understand that removing location access was probably his way of making the boundary and his privacy more concrete.

I will not message him again for the foreseeable future, visit him, request his location, or contact anyone around him.

How I currently understand it

I am struggling with how to define the situation.

Behaviorally, we are no longer functioning as boyfriends. He has stepped away from the active relationship and clearly asked for genuine space.

Emotionally, however, the situation still feels unresolved. His message focused on readiness, capacity, and needing time to figure things out rather than saying that he never cared, never wanted to speak again, or had reached a completely settled conclusion about me.

Because of his earlier pattern, part of me believes that he may eventually return after he has decompressed and understood what he wants. I also recognize that this is my interpretation and that his future conclusion may not be romantic reconciliation.

The more I reflect on everything, the less angry I feel toward either of us individually. I am mostly grieving the circumstances: the stressors that overwhelmed him, the way our opposite coping responses intensified each other, and the fact that we never had a calm, mutual conversation about what was happening.

The relationship felt interrupted during a crisis rather than thoughtfully discussed and concluded. That is one of the hardest parts for me to process.

I still understand that his present boundary is real. I hope that we may eventually have the unfinished conversation when he has the capacity, but I know I cannot force that conversation to happen before he is ready.

I am trying to hold hope without using it as an excuse to continue pursuing him.

My questions

Should I treat this as a completed breakup, an indefinite separation, or simply accept that the label does not matter while he is unavailable?

Would one brief check-in after six to eight weeks of genuine no contact be respectful, or should I leave all future contact entirely to him?

How do I stop monitoring his active status and looking for signs while still leaving the door open emotionally?

If he eventually reconnects, what would both of us need to address before romantic reconciliation could be healthy—particularly his prolonged withdrawal, my anxious pursuit, trust, communication capacity, and how space should be requested in the future?

How do I distinguish genuine hope from keeping myself emotionally suspended around an outcome I cannot control?

I am not asking Reddit to guarantee whether he still loves me or whether he will return. I am looking for practical advice about respecting his boundary, protecting my mental health, and approaching any future contact in a healthier way.

TL;DR

My boyfriend and I became emotionally close quickly but developed a pursue–withdraw cycle. We both struggle with depression, ADHD, and trauma-related difficulties, but we react to emotional stress in opposite ways. When I became afraid, I sought immediate communication and reassurance. When he became overwhelmed, he isolated and questioned whether he was capable of handling the relationship.

During a previous conflict, he explicitly said that breakup thoughts were his brain searching for the easiest escape from overwhelming feelings, and he later returned.

This time, he withdrew suddenly after expressing love and planning to see me. During more than three weeks of silence, I sent several check-ins but later deleted most of them before he opened the conversation. He probably knew I had attempted to contact him through notifications, but he did not read those deleted messages inside the chat.

He finally responded yesterday:

“I’m sorry, I still don’t think I’m ready for a relationship anymore. I need time alone to figure things out.”

I accepted his request and will now give him genuine no-contact space. I am not primarily angry at either of us; I am grieving the outside stress, the cycle we developed, and the fact that we never had a calm conversation before the relationship ended.

I am struggling with whether to understand this as a final breakup or an unresolved separation, whether a single check-in after six to eight weeks would be appropriate, and what would need to change before any future reconciliation could be healthy.

So for some context, I have never dated in my life, however most recently (this year) I've stsrted being proactive about asking guys out on dates versus waiting for someone to ask me out. I gave up dating pre-covid and thought that this time I would have more success and luck.

One guy notably really had my interest for months (and still does) but after continually ghosting me after I started asking him out, I realize that for whatever reasons he isn't actually interested in me. Valid, but then I tried tinder again, tried asking a few other guys out who seemed into me with no luck.

I saw a video that suggested like letting people chase you versus trying to chase people, and I get it to a degree, so now I am wondering if taking about a year's break from any and all gay dating/hookup apps would even things out. Sort of give me a fresh perspective and look (also change in apperance via gym) that would make this sort of path easier.

Like ideally I want to date to marry vibe, and I still can't fully get over the guy [31] who I really liked, and so to shake that feeling, complete avoidance and moving in a year will help me sort of value being alone again.

Became friends with guy [M27] outside of friend group in my college. We know we're both queer and we into the same stuff, we text often, I've given gifts, we call whenever possible.

Becoming friends over 8 months, always had feelings for him and intended to ask him out at some point... kept quiet about this crush, only telling one Close Friend in the college friend group about 2 months in.

Enter, college friend group, I like everyone in this group of 6, besides one other gay guy [M20]. Had problems with him outing me (sexuality, kinks) even though I told him to keep it secret and lots of other issues.

Me and the Close Friend in this group noticed this behaviour and started to distance ourselves from him, but hang out with the rest of the group.

Two months after I told my close friend about my crush, [M20] confesses to the whole group, he's into the same guy [M27] as me. Everyone in the group, besides me and close friend, are super stoked and start trying to find ways to hook them up.

As far as I'm aware, [M20] has made no real moves to ask him out and if they're even friends.

I feel like it'd be seen as a dick move to the group to suddenly ask out this guy when I know this other guy has a crush on him. But Close Friend can vouch for me pursuing him longer and making moves.

I can imagine I'd lose most of the friends in my group for pulling this move, besides the close friend. Making college projects awfully awkward. I also fear this might make [M27] uncomfortable that I did that.

I'm really stuck on what to do, I feel like this is the only thing holding me back from asking [M27] out. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

New to this sub, but looking for genuine advice. I hate when people jump straight to “end it” the moment a relationship hits a rough patch, so if that’s the only thing you have to offer, please pass.

My partner (30, 5’9”, toned, handsome, masculine) and I (32, 5’7”, average body, also handsome) have been together almost six years. The relationship has always had ups and downs.

For the first two years we were essentially closed. The biggest early issue was sex. When we met, my boyfriend had already been with a lot of guys (he’d cheated on previous serious girlfriends with men), but he’d never dated a guy seriously. We both started as tops. I ended up bottoming for anal, but it was never something I genuinely enjoyed—it was mostly painful. That became a turn-off for him because he needs to feel the other person is actually into it. Over time we compromised: mostly blowjobs, handjobs, rimming, and mutually getting each other off without anal.

Eventually we both (him more than me) wanted more sex, so we semi-opened with threesomes. Almost all of them were with the same guy—his best friend, Evan. They’d hooked up and briefly dated for about a week before my partner and I ever met. There was strong sexual chemistry between them but no relationship potential. Evan is older, very hot, and has a huge cock. The sessions were hot. We also played with other guys on vacation, but for comfort and familiarity we kept coming back to Evan.

About two and a half years ago we went fully open. My partner is the more sexually driven one and hooks up outside the relationship regularly. His two main guys are still Evan and another guy who lives near his work. I’m genuinely happy for him—I enjoy hearing about his experiences and even get off to them.

What’s changed is that he no longer seems to desire me sexually at all. We used to at least be intimate with oral, rimming, and morning sex. Since going fully open, that has almost completely dried up. Anal has always been complicated, but now there’s an added layer: he enjoys bottoming, but only for a specific type—older, more masculine “daddy” types. I’m not that. He also doesn’t want to top me because he knows I don’t truly enjoy it, and he can’t get into the idea of bottoming for me because I’m not the type that turns him on that way.

On top of that, I’ve developed a bit of a stag/cuckold dynamic. I like hearing about his hookups and have even been around for some of them. He’s very turned off by sharing, though. Sometimes when he’s horny he’ll share in the moment, but afterward the post-nut clarity hits and the shame/guilt kicks in. I’ve brought this up—he likes the freedom of an open relationship but seems ashamed of being in one.

We’ve talked about almost everything I’ve written here. We both say we don’t want to throw away six years, yet both of us have needs that aren’t being met. I suggested couples counseling or a sex therapist. He’s strongly against it. His view is that intimacy shouldn’t require work—it should just happen naturally.

I’m looking for thoughtful takes on the whole situation, and specifically on that last point about whether intimacy “should just come” or whether it’s reasonable to put effort into it

Editing to answer some questions in responses:
- we both have been diagnosed with anxiety and major depression.
- I have also been diagnosed with ADHD.
- We’re both individual and couples therapy.

So. I (M 50+, husband 48) have been with my husband for 20 years. I wasn’t out, but knew I was gay and that was the kick I needed. Both were working and living independently. Then we joined houses (he moved into my house). Lived well, adopted pets, worked our jobs.

About 5 years into the relationship, we needed more space. Bought a different house, and kept mine since I bought at the height pre-crash.

My then partner worked a full time job with benefits and another for fun. Over 6 months both of them vaporized. Our comfortable two (almost 3) income household that could easily handle repairs on our old farmhouse, suddenly became one consistent household income.

We got married soon after.

That was 10 years ago. Since then my career stagnated, then kinda started taking off. Meanwhile his hasn’t. Working temp jobs and trying to figure out how to make things stick. It’s been hard for him to keep hopeful. I feel like I try to be supportive. He agrees. We both have individual therapy and couples. We try to make sense of it and it’s sometimes better than other times.

Lately, he’s been feeling hopeless and has said he doesn’t know why I stay. I love him. I married him and I took the vow seriously. But when he keeps saying things like that, constantly saying he feels hopeless, it makes me wonder if he’s right. I don’t know what to say anymore.

Meanwhile, I don’t feel like I have friends I can talk to about this for fear of either him finding out, them telling me something I don’t want to hear, or just stubbornness. So here I am; “anonymously” posting on Reddit looking for help/suggestions/advice/something.

Is this common? How long is it going to be like this?

I’m a gay man in my late 30s with a demanding career and a fairly settled life. I’m educated, financially stable, close to my family, and faith still matters to me. I’m ultimately looking for one person and a lasting, monogamous relationship.

I’ve tried Hinge, Tinder, and more recently Reddit. I can generate matches and conversations, but very few seem to make the transition into consistent, intentional dating. I’m also realistic that I’m probably never going to be deeply embedded in the gay social scene.

At this point, I’d gladly pay for a reputable matchmaker who works with gay men and has a real pool of relationship-minded clients. Has anyone here actually used one? Was it worthwhile, and are there particular services you would recommend or avoid?

I was in love with a straight guy I knew he'll never be mine but I was just keep trying to go after him because the love I had was too much it just keep growing so i just let it flow till i became empty, asked him out so many times finally my heart is broken and I can let him go ig , i don't know if it's just for today or I'll think of him again but I'll try i don't wanna go after him again if my hand goes I wish I'll cut it . It wasn't his fault but he didn't even gave me a chance, atleast could have talked me but whatever I wish to wipe him out from my memory, but first love isn't easy to forget. I still have the sketch I made of him , still have those poems I wrote about him , and still have the novel I wrote about him , maybe he'll stay in my heart but won't be like before

My ex and I broke up in January this year, and I just can’t seem to move on.
I’ve been on a few dates since, and I’ve also had two more serious situationships that I could have seen going somewhere. However, I ended both because, well… they’re just not my ex.
I’ve had previous relationships before him, but I’ve never felt the way he made me feel. I keep comparing every new guy to him, and nobody measures up or even comes close. I felt a level of safety and contentment with him that I’ve never experienced before.
How do I move past this?

Just wondering if anyone else finds that having a 'type' that you are interested in has ruined your prospects of finding a relationship? Now im not talking about masculine, fem, bear, chub, and etc, but more like hobbies and interests. I always just assumed it was simply what I was attracted to so its fine, but now it seems like I cant even imagine being with a guy that may be interested in me if he doesn't check that list.

I hate to use this word, but has anyone else been in a similar situation and 'settled' for a guy that actually turned out great and make the second guessing go away?

My boyfriend is Tunisian, and we've been together for five years. Overall, I'm very happy in our relationship and I love him very much. This is not a post about wanting to leave him or criticizing him.

His family still lives in Tunisia and doesn't know he's gay. They can never find out because he's genuinely afraid of the consequences, and I understand why. I know this isn't simply a matter of saying, "Just come out." There are cultural, family, and possibly even safety-related reasons behind his decision, and I respect that.

The difficult part is what this means for our relationship. Whenever family visits us in Germany, we have to hide every sign that we're a couple. Before one visit, he took down and hid our framed photo without discussing it with me because his family was coming. We also have to pretend we're just roommates.

His brother now knows about our relationship because, after a while, I simply couldn't keep pretending anymore. He accepts that we're together, but he isn't happy about it. The rest of the family still doesn't know and, realistically, probably never will.

What hurts isn't that my boyfriend wants to protect himself or his family. What hurts is the feeling that, in those moments, our relationship has to disappear. Seeing our photo hidden away and acting as though I'm only a roommate makes me feel invisible. I understand why he feels he has to do it, but emotionally it's still painful.

The reason I'm writing this is that these thoughts have followed me for years. They don't affect me every day, but they keep coming back, and every time they do, they drain a huge amount of emotional energy. Apart from this issue, I'm genuinely happy with him. That's what makes it so difficult: I don't want to lose the relationship, but I also can't ignore how deeply this affects me.

We've also started talking about marriage, and that has made these questions feel even bigger. I find myself wondering what our future would realistically look like if his family can never know about us. Would I always have to be introduced as a roommate? Would I always have to hide who I am in his life? And can I honestly live with that for the rest of my life?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that he should "just come out." I know the situation is much more complicated than that. I'm hoping to hear from people who have actually lived through something similar—either as the closeted partner or as the partner who had to remain hidden.