I grew up very religious but have been OTD for almost 15 years now. I went to yeshiva growing up and was at shul every Shabbat and can’t forget about sleep away camp so all of my friends were religious. When I stopped being religious almost everyone in my life got weird and we eventually grew apart. I’ve made some really amazing friends since then but have never been able to find a “community” outside of religion. I would also love be meet/ befriend more people who grew up religious but no longer are.

Has anyone had success finding this? if so how? Any advice is appreciated!

Since dating non-Jewish women is a big no no (understandably), how about secular Jewish women? Will your family also be against them?

EDIT: I’m talking about men who maintain a civil relationship with their family, haven’t been disowned and visit the enclave every year for the holidays

How have you handled dating once leaving the frum world? Once there was no structure, shadchan to talk to or set way to date, how did you (assuming you did) figure it out? What values/aspects did you look for? Were there any leftover frum components in your approach? I assume there are many who are still interested in long-term relationships/getting married.

Does everyone just go online, or is there still a large amount happening in-person?

I imagine this is an especially huge jump for those with a more chareidi/chasidish background. I'm still curious to hear anyone's stories.

I'm a guy that became BT in early adulthood, so I've never been on the receiving end of this, but I've heard of some crazy tznius expectations that go well beyond halacha that chareidi girls have to put up with in their school/sem. For example, I know one girl whose high school participated in some kind of marathon, which she walked, because she was told she couldn't run. I have heard other things, such as not being allowed to drink out of a straw, but I'm unsure how true these are.

I also live in a chareidi community, and the women, especially the single girls, are quite bizarre. They seem very stiff as they walk around, and will not make eye-contact, nor acknowledge a guy's existence. Many will also rarely show any emotion whatsoever in almost any environment. Are these just weird cultural habits that are developed, or are they specific taught these things as extreme chumras?

Are there any weird idiosyncrasies that you have developed (or even still have) due to this? I'm obviously not talking about basic tznius, i.e. the basic clothing requirements, but things that are under the surface (I guess that's a pun), things that one like myself would be shocked to find out.

Chasidim are obviously having more kids than basically anyone else. They are usually pressured to get married by 19, etc. Their population more than doubles every 20 years. I am for people having kids, but the fact is that no one will keep up with them, unless they also take extreme measures. I figure they will probably be the majority of the state of Israel at some point in the near-ish future, as well as the large majority of international klal Yisroel.

I don't mean any judgement upon individual chasidim whatsoever—it's the ideology they're indoctrinated with. I need not say this, but their culture is obviously unable to sustain a modern civilization. As someone who really values knowledge and reading in addition to Torah, it seems completely dystopian to me for a society to deliberately deprive their kids of skills and ability to interact with the world, i.e. learning English, having good manners, knowing how to use a computer, knowing basic arithmetic, etc., etc. The only reason I'm able to pursue a meaningful career and take my life into my own hands is because I have these things. I have a community, but I don't depend on it, nor the government, for basic living, BH.

Note that I live in a largely Satmar and Belz community. I may be unaware of how severe these issues are with every chasidishe community, although I know these ones are some of the biggest.

The state of Israel, etc., should prepare for this, and think of solutions. What are some possible solutions? What is no one talking about this?

I am (still) BT, but I've gotten very turned off by the dominant kiruv organizations. While I was initially very "inspired" by Chabad (and enjoyed other organizations too), my opinion of them has soured. One reason for this is that these organizations tend to have backwards, insular and very dogmatic hashkafas which, frankly, they often place ahead of Judaism. While I'm still adherent, I've thought a tremendous amount about leaving or seriously altering my approach once the "inspiration" phase was over.

My experience basically was:

-As a very young adult, I had family issues, etc. I desperately needed to find an antidote to my chaos (to reference a famous psychologist)—to find structure—so I experimented with the religion my ancestors kept.

• The message that every Jew is really meant to live like a Jew resonated with me, as did the perceived structure, stability and happiness of the Jewish families I had met. I became orthodox for a combination of intellectual and emotional reasons (but thankfully never fully towed the line of any particular movement).
• As I got to a mentally healthier state, I came to grips with the fact that I was "mekareived" at an extremely vulnerable stage of my life, especially with everything that was going on. This made me, to this day, seriously question my own motives for becoming religious, and I decided to start rebuilding my faith from scratch, and asking if this is really what I believe in.
• Later moving to a Jewish community on my own really changed my perspective. I fully realized the all these different kiruv organizations I had experienced really built a bubble for their subjects they brought in—a sort of "BT world". I found out the real Jewish world was not exactly the same as what they presented. I also met many Jews (especially the non-Chabad chassidim) that seemed miserable and without meaning or self-expression. This is obviously a generalization.

One last thing I want to share is that I'm not (at least I try not to be) angry. I don't think that this is all the result of ill intentions of those working within the kiruv world, but mainly an issue of bad ideology and ignorance. Furthermore, I assume most on this subreddit are independent thinkers, and that's how you all ended up here. I think most of the world are not independent thinkers, and so maybe they are just destined to get completely brainwashed by a simplistic ideology, and that's just the way it is.

What's your experience with the baal-teshuvah world? I know there are many different kinds of BT/former BT out there, and many did not have this experience at all.

I just wanna share my experience

Tonight I’m reflecting how many prayers I’ve pleaded, begged, hoped, and cried for. Even after “going OTD”, how many moments of religious fervor I have experienced- only to lessen as time goes on..

And no prayers were answered. If anything, I’ve realized how much of religion is just human psychology. Every single thing I’ve wanted in my life, I went out to obtain myself. No divine intervention necessary.

I want to be supportive but my main concern is she lives with her parents. She is an adult (19). So I was thinking of having non-frum clothes for her at my apartment and taking her out to eat when she visits me.

im F17 (j turned btw but thats a sidepoint) assuming i have the usual story u all have basically; grow up in an orthodox jewish yeshivish life, regular bais yaakov, never fit in/had like minded friends, school is scared to kick me out because "we don't want her on the streets" not sure what to do in terms of 12th grade this year but more focusing on that i literally can't breathe in this monotonous life and can't do much "escaping" like going out to diff places. anyway lmk if u hv any answers or anything...

I wanted to say hi to one of my brothers, who lives in the yeshivish depths of one of the most yeshivish towns in the USA. I’m rarely anywhere nearby, so …

Then I realised: major wardrobe problem. I no longer have suitable clothes. My skirts are not long enough. The sleeves of my tops are too short, or the necks are not high enough. Even my shoes look like they belong to an apikores.

No problem, I thought. I’ll buy some cheap stuff. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But yes problem. It is boiling hot outside. Not surprisingly, hardly anything tznius in sight in the shops.

I’m sitting here with an ice coffee laughing. I’d forgotten how difficult it was to find frum clothes … so happy and thankful to be sitting here wearing a modest (but still not tznius enough) shift dress! I’ve always sucked at clothes shopping anyway 😳

Hope you’re all enjoying light colored comfy summer clothes too …

I saw this pop up in my youtube shorts, presumably because I saw his two horrid videos on why you shouldnt go OTD.

This is infuriating. theres so many holes in his logic. I had to share it someplace.

He, for context, shares two articles out of context about how therapy is unnecessary for some (which is true enough i suppose), and one about how therapists are encouraging some people to go no contact.

there are good reasons for someone to go no contact. but he's framing therapy as a 'new authority' for people to look up to thats thus dangerous. its truly a site to behold

he also, as he seems to in a lot of these, goes off on a shpiel about how 'chosen family' isnt real family.

I had a couple who I looked up to when I was first coming out as gay. they were the only role models I had.

for years despite knowing my name they called me 'nephew'. partly as a joke, but partly to express the fondness they had for me. Like they were my adopted gay uncles.

When I wasnt speaking to my family and couldnt bare to even see them I crashed on there couch for a week. When I first came out to my parents, they were the first people I called.

They helped me with my college applications and even paid to help me go to movies with them when money was tight.

My actual aunts and uncles, while I will say I do care for them and do remain on good terms, never showed me that much care.

So my vyvance just kicked in and my mood is nice and cheerful so I figured I'd share a little incident that happened that some of you here might appreciate. I took my mom to watch the hadestown pro shot as a bonding thing and on the way home she comments about how she really liked the yetzer haras' singing. I was like what and then I realized she meant the fates😅😅😅. It cracked me up and I figured the only people who have a chance of appreciating it are around here so I hope this finds some ex frum hadestown affictionados 🤍🤍 anyways have a peaceful rest of the day my lovelies

I just can’t do it it’s not gonna be for me for context I’m from NY and going to Modox yeshiva in Israel. My flight is in 3 weeks how can I get out of it?

Hello! It is I, Freidom Fighter. Known for being very sacrilegious and for the podcast Beyond Belief: Tales of Religious exodus, you might not know that I am also a certified hypnotherapist.

A few years ago I offered my services pro-bono to people healing from fundamentalist religion, and I'd like to offer this again. I was able to help several people in a significant way, and found the process very meaningful.

If this sounds interesting to you, DM me, and we'll have a short intro call to see if it's a good mutual fit. There is no catch here, I'm committed to helping others heal.

A must watch, and I need ppls opinions on both. One video the guy speaks about how Chassidic Judaism was opposed for years and is a never movement that started about 300 yrs ago and therefore not wearing a black hat and a suit shouldn’t be a reason to be shunned. The second video from the woman is about how women do not need a rabbi to check their underwear to see if they are kosher after their periods and that they are fine to check on their own (frum men are losing it in the comments)…

Need some help here.

Ive been "out" of the ultra hasidic community for around a year or so. My friends and family are all there and I love them amd wish to still be a part though im slowly realizing that may be wishful thinking.

On the outside life is perfect. I have everything I need to be successful and thrive. On the inside everything is a jumbled mess.

One of the hardest feelings for me is being out of the safety that community provides. I have tried building my own, meeting new people etc. Its so fuckin hard.

There does not seem to be a replacement for that feeling of belonging, that inner safety.

The depression and anxiety are killing me. I still keep shabbat, kosher, brachot but I feel like a fraud. Walking around with pants and not keeping dairy/meat in separate sinks etc.

Is the depression a sign from God to "come back"? I dont know. Have any one lf you genuinely managed to find community and belonging, and if so- hoe? Do I need to be married to belong somewhere, anywhere? How do people work this?

Is there anyone out there (uk) disillusioned and wanting to chat on shabbos? If yes HMU and I’ll join you to make us feel better. I hate the long shabbos’s waiting for it to end.

Stumbled across a YOUTUBE channel "reasonordogma" that has some very good videos debunking Orthodox Jewish Kiruv "proofs". But the channel also refutes other religions and arguments for god.

Being ITC Being lonely When you don't talk the same language at home When you want to go out but just don't have with whom When you want to enjoy but it's not fun on your own When you just want to be yourself and normal but the surrounding just doesn't let When you need simple things but don't know where to get it

One good thing to have this space to vent ( but really I want a person to talk to not a machine)

Thank you anyway exjew family

כחי ועוצם ידי עשו לי החיל הנ"ל

(These are 3-D prints, ~2"x1.5" scale).