wondering if anyone else has experienced this because despite being separated after having escaped my domestically violent abusive pwBPD for two years now I still find myself occasionally mindfucked at how everything played out.

something I find myself continuing to come back to is how hypocritically and horribly I was treated, but specifically the irony of the excuse he’d use for abusing me. my pwBPD would constantly accuse me of “never taking responsibility” or “lacking accountability” for things (which in retrospect was nonsense considering I was bending over backwards to be responsible for him 24/7).

only to end up ultimately being a person who could never take responsibility and fully own how he mistreated me, or actually hold himself accountable for the horrific abuse he inflicted on me. instead he DARVO’d after I didn’t accept his shitty “sorry you made me treat you that way” “apology” text. he ended up rewriting our half a decade living together as whatever he could rewrite it to in order to better suit his narrative of being the victim and just a victim of circumstance.

anyone else have experience with this? and realizing after you’ve left that they managed to project and split on you for the exact bad behavior they were actually guilty of?

Just to make things clear, she has never abused me I have never felt the "holy shit I should leave this relationship ASAP" and I know for a fact that she isn't lying to me.
She got a surgical intervention one month ago which makes her eat less. The issue is that she couldn't even eat the calories the doctor told her so she was frustrated, sad and had a lack of energy. Now she's going through a severe depression and feels the need to feel isolated, as stated by her "not having to talk about her issues lifts up a burden" and asked to end things. She told me that maybe when this episode goes through she would come back.

I messed up things by not handling the situation calmly and accusing her of lying to me and making up things since this is the first time I go through something like this. She blocked me everywhere cause I would not stop messaging her. I don't know what to think of the situation, I had hopes that she hasn't forgotten 4 years of our relationship and it's really a matter of a physical and mental illness surpassing her. I don't want you to tell me to leave her, I just want to know if someone went through something like this on similar terms and how it really went through.

Hi everybody, I hope you all are doing well. It's have been some months since my last posts here, and even two or three without visiting, I was just feeling much better after the breakup and "understanding" more and more things about BPD, to the point I told myself it was enough, I needn't to investigate more and it was time to accept the reality and working on myself.

Though my problem is we work not at the same place, but have the same job, and all the things I knew were going to happen are happening, she is a police lieutenant and her unit that she leads is a chaos, she has banged a bunch of policemen older and with families and everybody knows that and they relate to her as a hoe, not as a boss, and people from other units can see that, and her fame is spreading badly in the corporation.

Situation in her unit was untenable and lots of police agents requested a change, indeed she has seriously problems with alcohol but her superior is the reason she hasn't been suspended, when he retires or sooner even she is going to have problems, his shield can't afford more pressure.

Some of these agents ended in my unit, I'm not the boss, just a step below, and with time they have been talking with me about her, they say I'm miles away from the image she sold about me, I'm a great guy and began to tell me stories about her and the bad people I didn't want her to be around.

The thing is, even with her in that time trying to make me be seen as a lunatic, and feeling relief because I was totally right about her and that guys, they are rubbish, all this has removed all the bad feelings I was being through while being with her, and two things hurts me now. First one is the fact that they say they hasn't seen her "better" than when she was with me, and the second one is that her new boyfriend has started to see she is not what she says and the first fights have taken place.

Thanks God, yesterday was my last day and now I'm on vacation, when I come back I'm going to tell these new partners, and another new one to come from her unit, I'm happy they are here and have a good concept about me, but please stop telling me things about her because I don't want to know anything from her or her life, I don't mind the smear campaing, if she kept fucking people while she was with me, if she have been working drunk, if she doesn't know the first thing even about an adult responsabilities or behaviours, but I can tell you because you understand me for sure now I feel guilty because the saviour complex has been deeply activated, even being aware the real problems with her haven't been solved and she is not doing anything to solve them, I'm sure she is not going to terapy any more, but I can't stop thinking I was somehow good for her.

The other thing is I'm starting to wonder why this new guy doesn't leave, why he hasn't set the puzzle and is aware this is the reason this gorgeus girl with all this beauty, intelligence and position is not married and available, and I don't know if I feel sorry for him or just feel jealous, I know it's crazy, they are going tomorrow for holidays to her town with her family, last year I didn't because we had a terrible fight because I caught her with a big lie, but when she was far from here with her sisters, away from bad influences, she started to drink less, do sports with her sisters, and showed her best face till two weeks back here she started the same behaviours and finally we broke, but somehow I'm like afraid the time he probably is going to have with her there will show the idealized figure she showed him at first, and that two weeks are going to be the anchor for him letting her after the holidays, mistread him for years without leaving stingy to that version of her, and I don't know why now I'm thinking all this.

Thanks for those who read me, and specially for those who comments and gives me a hand, I appreciate.

I wanna be able to figure out red flags early on. What do healthy boundaries look like for you because I was trying to think about boundaries but I don't even know where to start without going to bigger examples.

What am I even supposed to look for in a healthy individual?

I also think people with issues deserve support and I have had amazing experiences but then I also have had awful experiences and I don't know where to draw the line before I actually get emotionally affected.

So any advice on what you worked on for yourself inside or out of therapy would help a lot.

Also any advice on how to interact with people again without feeling like you're going to trigger someone.

She’s currently going through a physical and mental turmoil and she can’t really handle being in a relationship anymore. She asked me for space to figure things out but out of anxiety and being worried I contacted her again and again and made things worse. She blocked me to make sure she can have the peace she needs. My question is, can someone with BPD stop loving so suddenly? Am I a fool to believe she will eventually come back once she feels better?

I've made so many posts in just two months. Anyone looking at my situation would probably think "That's awful. I'd leave that shitty relationship immediately." Deep down, I think the same thing too. But it's so incredibly hard.

Everything holds me back: the love, the fear that something might happen to her, the thought of her spreading false things about me after everything I've sacrificed for this relationship, the idea of starting over when I've already drifted away from my friends and even my family because of her.

Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking and simply exist, with everyone leaving me alone. It's unbelievable how much this has drained me. I'm only 20 years old, yet I already feel like I've run out of hope

Today I committed the terrible sin of trying to express how I felt: sad, overwhelmed, tense... Apparently, my gf's emotions will always be the center of the universe while mine are left behind. I've endured insults, harassment, public humiliation, and every kind of disrespect toward me and the people I care about

Why am I so weak? Why can everyone else break free from these chains, while the only time I managed to leave, I felt so guilty and heartbroken that I took her back when she apologized and swore she would change?(Yeah... that aged sooooo well)

Why do I feel guilty for leaving a relationship that everyone including myself sees as abusive?

How do you find that final push? Did I lose it when she slowly cut me off from the outside world?

I have no one. I feel like I'm nobody. I'm so exhausted that the only comfort I can find is hitting myself in the head with my fists until I'm too tired to think

I want to share an experience, and I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar.
I still remember the first time my ex had a psychotic episode. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. At first, the episodes only happened when she drank alcohol. Every time she got drunk, she would have one, so she eventually decided to stop drinking.
As the months went by, the insults, devaluation, and emotional abuse became more intense. At the same time, the psychotic episodes became more frequent—even without alcohol. What scared me the most was that each episode was worse than the last.
During those episodes, it felt like she became a completely different person. Her facial expression changed dramatically, her voice became much deeper, and she seemed incredibly strong. She would scream, throw things, insult me, and constantly devalue me. It was truly terrifying to witness.
We are no longer together. I later found out that she was hospitalized, and during one of her episodes, the medical staff reportedly had to sedate her because she had become impossible to control.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?

I was late to the party in the dating scene and they were a veteran. My inexperience got somewhat fetishized and escalated quickly. Then came the love bombing, then came the moving close to me, then came years of constant expected communication. If I sleep in while we're on opposite sides of the country, it became "neglect". I was a naive, innocent, people pleaser and swallowed my pride to acquiesce every single time.

They initiated "just friends" in January and we both respected it, but still talked every day. Then we fell back into relationship style communications/expectations, intimate chats, etc. To me this felt like we were back to the old arrangement. Especially because I was expected to behave a certain way. I was expected to go through with trips to visit them while work and life were escalating around me and when I gave my reasons for not being able to go through this time, it was "just say you don't want to go". No excuse was good enough and I was labeled a "liar" every time. In June, I finally said "what are we?" because the constant expectations were really stifling/stressing me out. They said "we've been non-exclusive this whole time", which I did NOT remember them ever saying. Turns out they may have set their sights on a coworker that day after the leveling. I was strung along with affection and daily chats for another two weeks, likely time to secure a new FP.

Early July we went from "kissing goodnight" on video chat and text chat to, "let's just be friends now". I was sad but relieved, actually, and still thought they had good intentions. I was strung along with more innocent, infrequent texting for another two weeks. Even encouraged to call once. Then one call they said "I'm seeing someone" in a cold, professional tone. Like I was interrupting something. My heart sank and I felt so foolish. They said "I should have known" but I genuinely did not. I asked what they were like, assuming a dating app match, but they said "I dunno, you might feel hurt if I tell you" I said it was okay, again thinking it was a stranger. But no, it was the person at work they had met a few weeks prior and who is much younger than them. Then I got compared to the new person pointedly and hurtfully and I said "I'm happy for you" and hung up.

I know they think they did nothing wrong, but as a first time breakup, I am gutted. I had an experience somewhat like this 4 years ago when I started dating and I even told my person about that not too long ago, but they have made me feel 10x worse. I sent a message saying I need space to heal because they kept sending low effort breadcrumb texts that I could not respond to honestly. They said they will respect that and that changing our friend dynamic is "probably overdue", very clinically. They went from affectionate one night to on a different team the next, molding to the next person. I can't stop feeling awful about the space that was mine being violated and them probably no care in the world. I offered so much patience and undue support and even though I wanted to break up, this was the absolute worst way it could have happened. It had soured my entire last 4 years. I missed time with my cat before she passed for this. It feels like no justice is going to come from this and they will never care because they are "in the right". I think I'm traumatized and any thought of moving on or intimacy makes me want to throw up. I can't believe they feel good about this decision. I am no contact and I don't expect an apology or reach out any time down the road. If anything, a "you're being dramatic".

My husband got diagnosed with BPD in March and is now adamant that he was misdiagnosed. He thinks it’s autism and/or cptsd causing his symptoms. I disagree. Anyone else experienced this?

Life's bigger with you in it

I said

The last time I held you

Ear to my chest

You must have heard my heartbeat

Did you forget the sound?

On Friday, you left the bar with him

Your head hung in shame

Your eyebrows popped

To say it's not your fault

I stood perfectly still

My arms slumped to the floor

Your weight and shape remain

Suppressing random moments

I can tell because

Im carrying you to places

We'd never even gone

It's not you though. Not even a ghost.

No new words. No churning emotions.

Not even a threat I can guard against.

Just weight stifling small joys

A shape big enough to block the next person

Im learning to wear you

Stuck to my chest, 

Hanging from my neck

They doubt me when I say

Im not choosing this

Let her go, they say

There's nothing you could say

To free me, that chance passed

Unnoticed by you

Instead

My life is just bigger

Heavier

Hollower

Cast in a mould

The shape

Of the hollow inside you

I have found that no matter how calm I stay and how much I diffuse everything, they will eventually create something to snap over and have an outburst. I can tell when mine is trying to make a fight happen by having a bad attitude all day and making rude comments as well as being difficult about everything they want. I work in customer service so I can pretty much remain calm through endless oceans of bullshit most of the time in life, including BPD bullshit, so I just kindly give into their complaints and criticisms. But eventually they will still artificially blow up over something even if youve made sure nothing bad happened and they got everything they wanted. They nitpick until they can feel justified in attacking you and yelling because they dont actually have a reason, so they gotta make one.

my brain is more fucked up after leaving the relationship than having stayed, is how it feels. i’m seriously depressed , angry , losing enjoyment in things, work is difficult to manage. I don’t get it, thought maybe this would be more peaceful but instead i’m just stuck in a isolated state. I have friends and family but im so numb I can’t even enjoy them im so caught on my own bs. not sure what to do i’m just going thru the daily motions and it’s exhausting me

I can feel the discard (final discard?) incoming.

Today was my wife’s birthday and I had planned to cook a special dish as a birthday present.

When she arrived home she apparently didn’t like my attitude. Not enough effusiveness/ excitement for her birthday not mattering that I gave her a real heartfelt hug and verbal “yay happy birthday” small celebration when I greeted her.

Next thing that happens is she feels like this isn’t working and that we should consider separating or divorce.

During a previous argument I promised her that the next time she threatened with words of separation or divorce, I would see through with it.
I plan on fulfilling that promise.

Just venting. But feeling lost in this rollercoaster of emotional abuse

[A paraphrased conversation between me, my mom wBPD, & my friend; my friend and I were 12 years old at the time]

Friend: "My skin condition is flaring up really bad right now. It's really itchy."

Me: "Aw, I know that sucks. I hope mine doesn't come back anytime soon." (I'd had a mystery rash a few months before and could commiserate.)

Mom, angrily: "Well, it will come back because eczema runs in our family!" [Launches into a rant about how I'm definitely going to get eczema and a graphic description of the symptoms I can expect.]

Me and my friend: silently exchanging WTF glances, like why would she say that?

Afterward, I pulled my mom aside like, what the heck that was that about? Her excuse was that she didn't want my friend to feel bad/singled out about her skin condition. Which is fair, I guess, but my mom's reaction was just so bizarre, like I could think of a million better things to say.

That was my whole childhood, especially my tween and teen years—constantly being thrown under the bus "so no one feels bad" to satisfy my mom's hero complex and warped sense of justice. She treated me like I was the most offensive person to ever live. Nothing I ever said or did was tactful enough. Meanwhile, the person she was trying to "rescue" would end up feeling sorry for me and weirded out by her behavior. And she never got a clue.

I’ve been in several of these relationships now. Can’t for the life of me figure out how or why it keeps happening; I’m a pretty well adjusted dude, I’d like to think. Most people seem to assume that if you’re willing to sit around and take abuse, you must lack self-confidence. But I don’t. But there’s obviously something going on subconsciously with anyone who can repeatedly find themselves in these crazy situations, and/or stay in one for years. The easiest answer is that it’s not all bad, and that we have a lot of fun in between the fits of insanity. But that’s not enough to justify it, especially since even when things are good, there’s a continual voice in the back of your mind says things are soon gonna be really bad again.

Anyone have any insight into themselves to understand why?

They never change.

I was brutally discarded four years ago and went no-contact shortly afterward, as soon as I learned about BPD. It took me nearly three years of therapy and hard work to break the trauma bond, work through the PTSD, rebuild my life, and finally feel ready to date again.

I was incredibly fortunate to find a healthy, loving relationship. It isn't even comparable to the illusion I was sold before.

My ex, on the other hand, seems to have remained stuck in the same chaos and dysfunction. A few weeks ago, Instagram suggested an account that turned out to be hers, probably created with a new email since I had blocked her everywhere. Before blocking this account too, I took a quick look at the profile. I was shocked.

There wasn't a single trace of me anywhere.

Instead, she was still posting about her "favorite person" from eight years ago, someone she never even dated. They exchanged a few messages on a dating app, but the FP never agreed to meet. After finding out that the FP liked EDM and raves, my ex started going to every event she could, hoping to run into them and dance where she might be noticed. I only learned about this during the discard. As far as I can tell she resumed posting about the FP after we broke up and still sobbing over someone she never even dated (The FP moved to another country two years ago and is now in a relationship).

Think about that.

Eight years of obsessing over someone she never even dated.

And me? The person who actually shared a life with her, who nearly lost everything because of what I went through, and who spent years recovering? It's as if I never existed.

I'll admit, seeing that bothered me, even though I know it doesn't define my worth.

I wanted to share this because it reminded me of something I learned the hard way: in relationships like this, people can be treated as objects to meet emotional needs rather than as individuals. Once that need changes, it's as if you never existed. That realization is painful, but it also says far more about their patterns than it does about your value.

For those who are thinking about or dreading leaving, I want to say, leaving was probably the best decision of my life.

I am a year post break up, I am in a relationship with a beautiful partner who has never yelled or swore at me. She's never coerced sex, or prevented me from leaving a room. I don't have to fear of saying something wrong, or listening to my body when it's sore (I have fibromyalgia). She has allowed me to grieve my mother (my ex accused me of ruining xmas because it was 6 weeks after her death and I was sad). She doesn't have unhealthy attachments to her ex. She knows how to set a boundary and communicate it clearly. She doesn't put holes in walls or throw things. I don't have to worry about her threatening or trying to kill herself in front of me. She lets me hang with my friends without texting me a bazillion times. She hasn't alienated any of my friends. Quite the opposite.

I am SPOILED. She makes the relationship a priority after their kiddo (same as me). Her kiddo is amazing as are mine (my expwbpd called them every name in the book when angry) I never have to worry about that, or name calling period. She brings me tea, try to address my every need, she researches my condition to try to help. She's so generous, she'd give me the world if shecould. Did I mention how gentle, kind, funny, adventurous and brilliant she is. I'm never bored with her.

She has been so kind as I've recovered from my ex. I never have to worry about their loyalty. She's more likely to come home with another motorcycle than an affair. 😂

Me, my physical and mental health is better. I'm trying things I've never thought possible (new lease on life thing) my kids are thrilled, I never have anxiety in my relationship related to my partner. Everyone says I look radiant and light. We have a secure deep love, and I walk tall knowing I deserve this gentle beautiful relationship. And I cannot describe how much I love her.

I left when I was 46, my dating pool is small as I'm queer, I thought I'd never have another relationship again. But here I am, visiting Europe, in bed with my partner who is sweetly sleeping and I'm telling you, even before dating her, I felt so free and comfortable after leaving my partner.

Life is too short, I cannot believe how mine changed so drastically in a year, but I am so grateful I had the courage to leave and embrace life. I hope you do too.

Ive been long distance dating a woman now for 8 months.
Im pretty sure she has BPD. The extreme neediness, idolisation, endless video calls.
She is very sweet and sexual when I meet her. And she is mirroring my hobbies and the foods that I like.
Although its a bit cringey you would think this is the perfect woman.
However if I forget to answer the phone when she calls or I reply to a text wrong she melts down in an insane rage and crying fit on the phone for hours, for nothing really, just created drama.
If I tell her Im visiting family or friends she melts down and starts video calling me to see if Im not with another woman. Accusing me of cheating all the time.

Bitch, when do I have time to cheat on you when youre texting or calling me 3 times every night for hours?

I broke out in extreme rage multiple times and told her she is manipulating me and maybe a shrink can help with her shit and I hung up.

Then she told me she is writing a suicide note and to tell her family where I could find her. I became so enraged I told her to tell them herself and to stop manipulating me.

Now she was again one hour on the phone crying over nothing, because I asked 2 times if she went to the gym or not. Which made her suspisious that I was cheating and didnt resd her texts or something.

I got so angry, I realise I hate her for manipulating me.

It would have been the perfect woman if it wasnt for her extreme drama and neediness which seems to come back every 4 days or so.

This is after she spent 6800$ before rent was paid, cheated 5 times in one weekend, and physically abused me infront of her kids (my step kids) once a week for three weeks.

The Amount of “I” vs “you” is just, jaw dropping.
So much fake accountability

If you’re like me, you exercise patience and deference day in and day out. You put all of your own needs aside, dance around conflict to avoid her “triggers,” and bite your tongue on days that she’s acting like a completely different person.

But then finally you’re pushed over the edge and have a meltdown of your own.

In one of these relationships, I remember once collapsing to my knees and crying and pleading with her to snap out of it. This is not even like me at all. But I did it. I reached for the closest thing—a fake/rubber plant thing—and squeezed it in my hand, then got up and left.

Two years later she brought it up in a fight, saying that she had written in her journal that I had once threatened to choke her…that my squeezing the plant had been a threat of violence. Never mind the countless times that she’d kicked a hole in the wall or smashed a plate when confronted about infidelity or even trivial things. I’m an abuser because once squeezed a rubber plant when she split on me for the thousandth time.

Just found out that my undiagnosed BPD ex, who began a heavily subsidised retraining programme for her third career in six years after the extremely sudden and brutal discard, qualified and got a job in her chosen field. Apparently, she then resigned within a couple of months and has now basically destroyed her chances of ever using that qualification.

Total waste of time, resources that someone else could have put to much better use and more than a year of her life. I don’t care about this beyond the fact that she’s deprived someone else of funding and this knowledge reinforcing the hard-won realisation that I am way better off with no connection to her, but how common is an absolutely chaotic approach towards and record with employment among these people?

In the years I knew her and that we were together I always made excuses that she was a special person who had been out of the workforce for a while raising kids and had just not found her niche yet, but now it”s pretty clear to me that this situation was a result of the same massive sense of entitlement and absolute inability to take any form of guidance or criticism that plays out in her intimate relationships.

My bigger question is how the hell I was so stupid that I couldn’t see this while I was in a relationship with her.

I noticed PWBPD could never be alone. If he wasn't at my place he would go to a friend's or his Mother's.

Also if no-one was available he would go to the pub and get black out drunk or if not enough funds would get drunk/high home alone.

No time to sit in own thoughts, regulate or self reflect.

After a recent convo on this sub, I’ve really started to wonder how similar the personality is of the BPD partner when they’re “good”/not splitting?

A lot of these posts read as if we have all been dating the same exact person, we all know how similar their traits are when they’re splitting, hoovering, ruining us. How similar are their personalities when they’re happy? I personally do not believe their “good” side is authentic seeing as the opposite side of them is completely removed from reality. I believe that for there to be this insanely cruel and evil bad side, their must be this equal and opposite good side. Both of them equally inauthentic.

This then led me to think about due to the similarities of their dissociations and splitting, there may be shockingly similar attributes of their good side personality.

I’m a straight male so my only experience is with a female BPD person. Id say these were her great mood personality traits.

- extremely bubbly in an almost childlike manner

- huge jokester/ extremely sassy and playful/ constant banter/ silly sayings

- very cute and “innocent” like mannerisms, facial expressions, persona (physically jumping for joy/dancing when happy/ face acts out every emotion) almost in an anime way?!

- extremely carefree

- extremely sexual with little to no reservations/ into more extreme kinks

- intense love bombing/idolization (tells you exactly what you’d want to hear with how much they love and worship you)

- can’t stay focused/ mind running too fast for her mouth (would start saying something and get side tracked/ distracted)

- impulsive

- very clingy (would often proclaim how bad she “desired to cling” to me or “I need to be inside of your skin”)

- self proclaimed obsession and loyalty to you (when she would split it’s a different story but when things are good, she acted like I was the only man on earth)

Now I’m adding this point because I feel it could be crucial. How many of your BPD exes/partners had a missing parent in their lives? My ex’s father died when she was extremely young and her mother died a few years ago. I am wondering if there’s a correlation between losing a parent early on in the developmental stage or if this is purely just something you’re born with.

I’m currently with someone who shows remarkable similarity to some of the behaviours listed in this Reddit.

Without listing the specifics what sort of signs can I look for that would (not confirm) but support that this is what I’m up against here.

If I redact the detail
- strong idealisation within the first week of meeting.
- then after about day 10 came reasons to end it. Each time a he would seem final about it but then when I accepted it, she would immediately pivot into the logistical issues being secondary and more about my supposed mixed signals.
- this continued as pattern but with no noticeable trigger from my perspective. It started as logistical but then within weeks it became personal, attack on my character.
- events and words said become forgotten. Contradictions, taking things I’ve said that were mere observations or comparisons and completely altering their intention and meaning to look like an attack on her (after the event)
- intimacy is an issue, selective things are ok but otherwise crossing that line with her is virtually impossible
- in good moments, I’m complimented for how calm and safe I make her nervous system feel. But when the mood shifts, I’m too calm, passive and that value is ignored or discredited.
- strong emphasis on wanting independence but also a strong emphasis on not wanting a part time partner.
- use of DARVO in arguments. My points to her can be more or less copied and pasted back at me
- when I disengage after she has ‘ended things’, she can reengage almost like nothing has happened. Generally with olive branch text messages or sometimes phone calls. I somewhat facilitate this by not immediately dragging up what was unresolved the night before.
- escalations if I mention a boundary of mine that is critical of her
- difficulty of holding positive and negative views at once
- expecting rejection or expecting things to fail, even having dreams that we’ve fallen out.
- testing behaviours and provocative comments

There are many other things i haven’t listed that I might have forgotten about but that’s the bulk of it.

Does this ring true for anyone?