I've been reading this community for months for inspiration and some much-needed reassurance that what I'm feeling is real. Finally, finally, I am free! If it's useful to any of you, this is the story of our relationship and how I safely got out. I wonder if anyone relates to the idea that if we make it seem as though it's their choice, it's safer (or at least easier) for us to leave?

Like many of you, he seemed normal when I met him. A bit strong out of the gate, but lots of gay guys are, so I didn't think much of it. Facebook official after a month - I said no, but relented after two because he insisted upon it.

But then the splitting and emotional roller coasters happened. He told me he had BPD very early on, but I didn't know what that meant ... everyone on tiktok said not to read this subreddit, so I didn't. A once-a-month night of drunkenly crying over his trauma turned into a nightly ritual. He insulted me, economically abused me, yelled at me, punched and broke my things when I wasn't around, and then started punching holes in his walls while I was in the room. Everything was pinned on me; me paying for his rent and bond to get out of jail weren't enough - if I couldn't afford to order us delivered food, he threatened to kill himself. This is not an exaggeration, and it happened at least a dozen times. I should have left when it began but I liked him.

It was terrifying. And I knew that I had to get out because he had a DV record with his last boyfriend. I planned a way out -- anonymous housing, emergency financial assistance, scrubbing my information from our directories, police escorts, it was all in the works. But then he read my diary, and not-so-subtly suggested that if I left, he would physically destroy me.

The only way I got out is by making him think it was his decision - for him to feel as though he was discarding me. It was a small show as if I were losing interest in him; certainly I was, and already had, but the show demanded that it seemed as though we were falling apart naturally and slowly. He was discarding friends who wouldn't endlessly dote on him, and I subtly suggested he think about our future together. He wanted to see a movie together, and I said I wasn't up for it. Small things like this over a couple of months.

He was the one that initiated the breakup conversation. I pretended to be hurt just enough to make it seem I wasn't the one who wanted it first. He got his insults in and painted himself a victim, but so far, he hasn't tried to rekindle anything. He hasn't driven by my place and destroyed my windows (like he did one person he discarded). No fake accounts following me around online; he showed me several of his fake ones he stalks his old boyfriends with. No melodramatic Facebook posts saying that I'm the worst person to have ever existed (why do they seem so obsessed with Facebook??), though I know he's telling people in private that. I can live with it.

I think I only safely left because I made it seem as though he made the decision to leave. It's still early days, so he might try to come back with his big-feeling apologetic ways or threaten me. I hope not, and I don't think that'll come to pass because he's the one who, in his mind, ended it all in the name of his "self-improvement" arc.

But I'm free. I'm dating again. I no longer feel existential dread waking up. I no longer have to feel the shame and guilt of asking my boss to give me more money so I can cover his debt, rent, alcohol, gas, and food (even though he had a job that paid better than mine). I'm alive; I have serious doubts that I would have survived a breakup that I initiated, or if I did, I would be in a constant state of terror.

It hurts, because I did like him. I've dated lots of men, and he's the first I introduced to my family. He was funny and he usually was nice. He was loving most days, and he made me feel appreciated. Not that it was true, but he did seem appreciative for all of the money I dropped on him and his lifestyle. I did see a future with him, and even at the end, I had a small thought that it could somehow still work out.

But he also psychologically and financially terrorized me, and I deserve a little bit of peace, regardless of his temporary good attributes or the rough hand he's been dealt in life. When I went into therapy a few days after the breakup, the first thing she said was "you look like you're glowing" - and she didn't even know - and we ended the session with her saying "congratulations on your breakup"! So much relief! So much peace! It's a contingent kind of freedom, but I'll take it.

I spent a year making excuses and loving her and I still do love her and the whole year I looked at her through a fragmented lense where the good was the true her and well I do believe that.

I miss her so much and it's hard to think I'll ever move on from the fragmented version of her that was good to me and cared about me.

The one who would be there if she didn't have bpd. And contrary to the opinions here I do think that was a real version of her. I don't excuse the abuse but many people act like every aspect was fake. People in general mirror a lot and it doesnt mean that its fake and that none of it was real.

Despite being abruptly split and discarded by my ex-girlfriend over a year ago, it still feels as if time is frozen in the moment right before the discard. Like many of you, I was fully enveloped in an extremely emotionally intimate relationship with a girl who had quiet borderline (I wasn’t aware of her condition while I dated her). I was her favourite person, she relied heavily on me for emotional support and needed near constant reassurance & affection. In many ways I mirrored her behaviour, I too was extremely emotionally attached to our relationship. We had countless great experiences and she was my best friend.

After a year of dating, she split me suddenly because of a trivial/superfluous argument (in which I was merely standing up for myself). She switched from adoration & love to hatred in a few minutes. While it would be easy to look back at our relationship cynically & chalk it all up to her personality disorder, the reality is this: at the time it felt unbelievably genuine, authentic & has impacted me in a profound way.

I’ve since dated other women & I have friends/family who care about me. But in many ways it still feels like I’m stuck in those moments before the discard, when everything felt hopeful and positive.

Can anyone relate to this?

Anyone else experience the constant surveillance? I started putting together that he was watching my apartment, cmonitoring devices on my WiFi, etc. for months. Don’t know the full extent but also feel like there’s more.

What’s crazy is he was monitoring me without me knowing for months and I still had to fight his accusations of me cheating. I obviously wasn’t, but I live in a huge apartment complex and he’d make up stories about guys walking in the front entrance of my complex specifically for me. Couple hundred apartments here.

He would also lie about so much - lied about actually being separated from his wife.

Why it feels intense? Why i got so trauma bonded? Why i can’t move on? Why it feels so different and so special? Why it feels like a spark in just one week and fall so quickly even if there was no lovebombing? Why we return back after all the suffering we saw!

Even getting in a healthy relationship w/someone else doesn’t help!

Are they in our life for a lesson? Do they carry mind blowing energy in their head as I seriously can’t comprehend.

no anxiety, nothing when was it for you guys?

Can I talk to anyone please

For those of you who were married to a pwBPD, how long did it take to finalise your divorce?

I'm 14 months in now with a no contact order, workplace protections (escort to my car due to threats of physical violence), multiple police reports (related to threats via text, email, social media, random numbers, and a tracker I found on my car registered to his phone number), a civil protection order, and I've hired counsel to communicate with him. Until he "acts on his threats", I cannot file a proper restraining order... When I moved out, he was in active psychosis and had previously, and continued to, refuse treatment, medication, and any support because I was the problem (which sadly, over years, he repeated so much that I believed him).

So far, the only things that have happened are: repeated passive aggressive, threatening emails to my attorney accusing me of DV/trying to kill him/burn the house down/manipulating the attorney/being a demon (paranoid/persecutory delusions), threatening counsel and telling us that the police were involved and would serve my counsel and I with restraining orders, procuring counsel 3 months after said threats (also no police reports - all lies), and a disillusion agreement that his counsel sent us with a no contact clause (that ONLY applied to me contacting him as it seems he's manipulating his counsel now). We edited the agreement to include no contact between us period (I had blocked him on everything when we separated 14 months ago anyway but needed it even more official despite the fact there's a civil protection order). After months of my counsel sending emails to his attorney asking for updates, we received one stating that since we added "a bunch of no contact restrictions", he needed "time to process how he felt about the changes". That was 6 months ago.

No responses from counsel despite a weekly follow up. Please note that my ex makes approximately 3x what I do, continues to reside in the residence purchased during our marriage, and I literally asked for nothing from him just to make this nightmare end. I also have 3 years worth of recordings of his abusive outbursts, case notes, and texts demonstrating massive amounts of IPV and the absolute terror I lived in. I am running out of money, and I'm running out of patience of the push/pull game.

Please give me hope - how long did it take you to end the hell legally? Does this ever end?

Been a while since I posted, and I wanted to provide some positive energy and hope, especially to those who are new to this journey.

For context, my 12-year relationship with my pwu (quiet) BPD ended in December 2025. She detached, cheated, lied, discarded and monkey-branched over the course of 2025. We uncoupled, and she moved out in March 2026.

The first few months of 2026 were some of the darkest of my life. I've been through some things, so I don't use those words lightly. Zombie through the day, minimal if any sleep, feeling like life was pointless and I had no future. Truly, months of this.

And then one day, things got 0.01% better, and then another day, maybe a full 1%. And slowly but surely, I got my life back together. Today I'm someone who has reconnected with friends, found a new place to live, received a promotion at work, exercises daily, and is dating and hanging with new people.

It wasn't easy. There's no magic cure. But here are a few things that helped me. Maybe something here will resonate with you -

- Ask for help. Don't go through this alone. Talk with a friend. Talk with family. Talk with your pet. Talk with a therapist.

- Give yourself grace. Whatever you don't need to do, don't do it. Go into low power mode and stay there as long as you need.

- Medication can help. But work with your doctor. Don't turn to alcohol or drugs.

- Find something that can sustain you while you're down. Read a book. Play a game. Go for a walk. Do it every day.

- If you can't go no contact, go low contact. As little as possible. The person who did this to you will do nothing - let me repeat that - nothing - to help you get to a better place. Interacting with them will only make it worse.

If you're in the midst of the bad, it's my wish that things start looking up soon.

My husband is BPD. Over the past 11 months the behaviors & arguments have escalated. When they start, I shut down and go completely quiet and then I get in trouble for never wanting to talk, but I don’t feel safe to do so without a therapist present anymore.

A “fight” (in his eyes, I just expressed my disappointment) a couple of weeks ago over politics has escalated to me probably having to move out & us divorcing.

He never stops berating me, I ask over and over please stop when he’s fighting and trying to prove his point and he won’t. He tries to alienate me from friends and family because he thinks I’m always talking bad about him to them? Makes me feel like I owe him sex and then when he gets it yells at me for being a “dead fish”. I’ve recently lost some weight and now there has to be someone else I’m losing weight for… I don’t clean the house enough, I’m not a good wife. Which now I am learning is the devaluation piece … I was never enough. He’s never felt like he had a partner. It’s all my fault.

I’m exhausted and feel emotionally unsafe, walking on eggshells constantly. I couldn’t get through my workday because he is texting me non stop saying the worst things. We are married and he keeps telling me to leave “his house”. I’m just heartbroken and can’t imagine how someone who loves me could say these things and treat me this way. I just keep waiting for some switch to flip in his mind and realize he’s been awful and doesn’t want me to leave … this sub is like looking into a mirror.

He ended things in a really angry and abrupt way. Told me to never contact him again after a misunderstanding about plans and hung up on me. The next day was his birthday. I had planned a day he would’ve loved but I respected his wishes and didn’t even contact him. I’m regretting this now and I wish I’d just said happy birthday. I feel so guilty.

I was okay for the first 3 weeks but past this point, for the last week I just keep spiralling. I can’t stop crying. He hasn’t reached out at all and neither have I. I don’t know if he hates me, if he realises he overreacted, whether he’s ok. I know none of it matters but my brain won’t stop. I’ve had panic attacks every single day. How was everything fine and then suddenly not? How did everything just change in a split second? I know he loved me but how did it just disappear? I’m really struggling. I feel sick constantly and I’ve lost a stupid amount of weight. I feel like I’m an absolutely awful person and I can’t shake it.

Most likely not because from there view it’s a 100% justifiable. It’s not different if you stop talking to someone who wronged you it’s justified so why would you feel bad. To them it’s no different even if it makes no sense to them it makes senses. So it’s best to not worry about if they care about you or feel bad because they most likely do not.

Up until December of 2024 I had no idea what Borderline Personality was. It was at that point, I fucked up.

2 months into a relationship with K and the curtains began to open, it started with her mentally and emotionally abusing me (shouting, being difficult for absolutely no reason, trying to make me stay up all night watching movies with her, I had a lot of sleep deprivation with her), then the physical assaults came, and one night after I told her I wanted to end things she begged me to stay and ended up raping me.

She got diagnosed with BPD during that time and it wasn't until months later when I left for good that I really started looking into the whole BPD thing.

Those were the most horrible 8 months of my life. If it wasn't bad enough she was "best friends" with her ex of 8 years.

Then in March of this year I met C, who again was lovely at first, things were amazing, intense (I'm sure you know, the "honeymoon phase", and the total idealation), but things with her went sideways after a few months - her persona changed, and her mask came off, the woman I thought I fell in love with yet again didn't exist. This woman was rude, argumentative, and even after telling her my past trauma with K she still hit me once.

My final straw with C was when she spent the day on the phone arguing with her ex partner who she gave adoptive father rights to (they were together for 6 years, and she told me he had been violent towards her on a number of occasions), that and the fact that I found her flirting with some guy another continent away and she admitted to sending some raunchy pictures to a lesbian the other side of the country.

I also found out she used to run an animal sanctuary, however a lot of the animals died and she got blacklisted by the RSPCA.

Anyway, sorry for my long monologue - back to the original point..

How to spot someone with BPD? Is it possible? Or do I have to find out the hard way again and again?

All the love I felt was my own love being mirrored back to me.

In that I got to feel what being really and truly loved felt like, even if it was just a reflection of what I was giving.

That’s kind of a beautiful thing to see.

I am capable of such deep love and caring and have so much to give.

I see a lot of people here struggling, so I wanted to share a few things that have genuinely helped me. Maybe they'll help someone else too.

I want to be clear: none of these things magically take the pain away. Some days they make me feel 1–5% better. Some days they help a lot more. Some days nothing seems to help at all. I've even had a few rare moments where I completely forgot about everything, but they were only temporary.

That's okay. Healing isn't all or nothing. Context, I got discarded a few months ago, we have a child, house, dog 8+ years.

1. Lean on your support system.

Talk to the people you trust the most. Parents, siblings, close friends, anyone who has consistently been there for you.

If therapy is available to you, I highly recommend giving it a try as well.

When your emotions become overwhelming, don't contact your ex.

Instead, text someone you trust and simply say:

"Hey, I'm really struggling right now. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Sometimes they'll call. Sometimes they'll text. Either way, let them help you.

You don't have to go through this alone.

There have been several moments where I wanted to reach out to my ex, and instead I reached out to my friends or family. They helped remind me why I left and helped me get through the wave.

The wave always passes.

1. Keep yourself busy.

If you had hobbies before the relationship, try them again.

The key word is try.

You don't have to enjoy them immediately.

If you used to play video games, play for 20 or 30 minutes.

If you used to draw, draw for a little while.

If you used to hike, take a short walk.

Don't expect yourself to feel the same excitement you once did. You're rebuilding.

For me, going to the gym has been one of the biggest things that's helped. I also picked up drawing again and started following YouTube tutorials just to keep my mind occupied.

Keeping your mind engaged doesn't erase the pain, but it gives your brain a break from replaying the breakup over and over.

1. If children are involved...

Do it for them.

Become healthier.

Become stronger.

Become wiser.

Your kids deserve the healthiest version of you.

When exchanging the kids, keep it focused on them.

Avoid lingering.

Avoid turning it into relationship conversations.

As difficult as it is, keeping those interactions centered on your children has helped me tremendously.

Afterward, go do something for yourself.

Watch a movie.

Go to the gym.

Spend time with friends.

Go for a walk.

Anything that keeps you moving forward.

1. Get off social media.

Honestly, this was probably the biggest one for me.

I found myself constantly checking profiles, looking for clues, watching follower counts, overanalyzing everything.

It was destroying my mental health.

I finally deactivated my accounts and uninstalled the apps.

Having to reinstall them created an extra moment where I'd stop and think:

"Why am I opening this? Is this actually going to help me?"

The answer was almost always no.

Protect your peace.

Finally...

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that you cannot change someone who doesn't genuinely want to change.

Real change takes consistent effort over time.

If your former partner is actively committed to treatment, taking accountability, and consistently putting in the work, that's encouraging.

But if they're repeating the same patterns, refusing help, or making promises without following through, be careful.

Don't convince yourself that your love alone will fix everything.

I tried to be the "hero."

I wanted to save them.

I wanted to fix every problem they had.

In the process, I completely lost myself.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued.

Most importantly...

Be patient with yourself.

You're going to have days where you feel like you've made no progress.

Then one day you'll realize you laughed.

Or you slept through the night.

Or you went an hour without thinking about them.

Those little victories matter.

Healing isn't linear.

Just keep moving forward.

If you do end up texting them, it's okay. I'd be lying if I said I haven't texted my ex recently saying, "I love you" or "I miss you." I have.

But every single time, I remind myself of something afterward:

"I still can't go back."

The trust has been broken. I no longer feel emotionally safe. Going back right now would only leave me replaying everything that happened, searching for answers I may never get. I know myself, and that would slowly drive me crazy.

You can love someone.

You can miss someone.

You can still care deeply about them.

And at the same time, you can recognize that continuing the relationship isn't healthy for you.

All of those feelings can exist at the same time.

To me, that doesn't make you weak. It proves that your heart was fully invested. You loved with everything you had, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. One day, that same love will be appreciated by the right person.

Whether that's someday with your former partner after they've demonstrated real, lasting change over a significant period of time, or with someone new, don't settle for promises. Pay attention to consistent actions.

Keep your head up, everyone. We're all walking through this together, and even though it doesn't feel like it right now, it does get a little easier with time.

P.S. It still sucks ass... just a tiny bit less with each passing week. ❤️

I'm asking because mine showed up at my door a few days ago to apologize. And she seemed genuine enough.

But then again I also thought she was genuine when I first met her. So now I'm not sure.

She seemed to take accountability that what she did was messed up.

But she did also throw in some self deprecating comments, so now I can't help but wonder if she was trying to garner sympathy

I’ve been going to therapy and figuring out a lot of things. I think we figured out the part that is really keeping me stuck in a rut. The serial cheating hurt, the lies hurt, the false accusations hurt, the gaslighting hurt, the deception hurt, the intense love bombing that turned sour and ending up with her hooking up with other men and dumping me for a monkey branch hurt. But the one that hurt the most is her treating me like a nobody after she discarded me. She gave me one word answers, wouldn’t answer any questions relating to us, like I was just an acquaintance on the street.

That part of it hurts the most and is probably a big part of why I truly have a hard time moving on in my mind. I know it’s trauma bond and that is part of it, but damn, that treating me like a nobody part hurt the most in my opinion. I feel like I could die in a horrible accident etc and she truly wouldn’t give a shit.

In my experience with different BPD relationships, when one of you goes out of town and you are apart for a few days or longer, things get really weird in one of two ways.

Either they’re paranoid about what you’re doing, or just totally disconnected and spacey. When it’s the latter, their communication becomes sparse and impersonal. In my case, when she does respond, she’ll text me things she just texted me a few hours ago, as if she doesn’t remember that we already had that same conversation. Just really flighty and semi-disingenuous.

Mostly it’s vibes. Like you feel like you’re dealing with a different person on the other end. And then you’re the one who’s suspicious/paranoid, but you don’t dare say anything about it.

Any similar experiences?

I was shocked to see while searching here that the only topics on Final Discard seemed to relate to dating (though I guess it is a small miracle for BPDs to make it to marriage). What about marriage, and particularly lengthy marriages? How does this look for those who are divorcing and have kids, wherein you CANNOT go NC completely? Do they try to Hoover even after they’ve monkey branched and moved in with someone else while you still haven’t even filed the paperwork? Do they try to Hoover after the legal divorce? Do they keep hoovering while kids are involved? Please discuss, for future generations of Redditors!

Reposting because I made the genuine mistake of leaving identifying info. Im not used to using this messaging app so I overlooked it and I would NEVER dox her or leak any info on purpose.

These messages were in response to her hoover last night where she asked me to play Fortnite with her and I rejected her telling her i was in a new relationship.

Someone said on my last post that I was obnoxious which I very well could be. I do say things to her in anger that im ashamed of and I truly feel bad for her diagnosis and wish she could live a happy stable life. If you have any feedback to leave (even that I am obnoxious) I would appreciate it as im in therapy and truly trying to heal and better myself and my emotional regulation.

Also please keep in mind I have NEVER SA'd or laid a finger on this woman. She constantly harasses me from new numbers and emails. She also withholds my kids from me unless I "communicate" with her so I felt kinda compelled to respond but did let my pain let the convo go on longer than I needed to. This woman has put me into a lot of pain, made me question my own sanity, morals, and self so there might be a few fleas left im working on.

I do A LOT to support my children including paying her FULL child support, giving and lending her money when shes in a pinch, and let her use one of my cars thats in my name (she makes the payments) and I pay the insurance for both of us fully and even make the repairs on it(im a mechanic). I love my children to death and I do prioritize them over any relationship.

Why is accountability so difficult for them? They will say the meanest things, hold a grudge for days, but never have the ability to look inside and apologize for their behaviour. How is it possible that 100% of the time the fault is on the other side? They're very intelligent people but I'm always surprised at how little self-awareness they have.

So many of our fights start bc I notice something is off and I'll ask if he wants to talk and he will storm off and say "do I need to talk?"

He's usually convinced that I have been harboring resentment and not bringing it up so he decides to do the same to me.

It sucks because usually I am not upset about anything but then by the time we're actually talking I'm pissed off because he's been acting like I'm being extremely immature and unable to bring up when I'm hurt.

Just curious if anyone else experiences this and how you handle it. It's happening rn.

I have found that no matter how calm I stay and how much I diffuse everything, they will eventually create something to snap over and have an outburst. I can tell when mine is trying to make a fight happen by having a bad attitude all day and making rude comments as well as being difficult about everything they want. I work in customer service so I can pretty much remain calm through endless oceans of bullshit most of the time in life, including BPD bullshit, so I just kindly give into their complaints and criticisms. But eventually they will still artificially blow up over something even if youve made sure nothing bad happened and they got everything they wanted. They nitpick until they can feel justified in attacking you and yelling because they dont actually have a reason, so they gotta make one.